Tacoma FD (2019) s03e03 Episode Script

1
Ah.
[SCREAMS]
Uh-huh. And how about here?
[SCREAMS]
Okay.
First, stop doing six months of flossing
the night before you see
me. You can't just catch up.
Agree to disagree.
Second, your wisdom teeth are infected.
- They need to come out.
- What? When?
- Today.
- [CHUCKLES] No, I can't.
Today is the Chili Cook-off at
the station, and I'm the judge.
There's literally chili in those teeth.
They have to come out.
Doc, listen, I've had
these teeth all my life.
They fill out my mouth.
They give me a nice long chew-span.
I told you to do this three years ago.
Well, why didn't we?
You said you were judging
a Pancake Cook-off.
That's because I'm
a great Cook-off judge.
And now they're infected.
Fine. Let's do it.
All right. I'll get you set up
with plenty of pain
killers for post-surgery.
I don't need it. I mean,
it's just oral surgery, right?
It's, like, the lamest surgery there is.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Careful.
You could wake up with
no teeth in your mouth.
What?
- [DRILL WHIRRING]
- [CHUCKLING]
[SLOW-MOTION EVIL LAUGHTER]
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED"]
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
The hunter-gatherers have returned!
And we come bearing
great quantities of meat.
And sour cream.
What are you watching, Cap?
It's this cooking show "Chef U.C.K."
Ooh, I love that show.
Somebody's reliving the glory days.
- Which ones?
- The Chili Cook-off, man.
Just admit it. You retired too soon.
And now there's a new sheriff in town.
Two-time reigning Champion
fighting Granny Smith!
- [CHUCKLES]
- [IMITATING CROWD ROARING]
Okay, okay.
I crushed you at the
Chili Cook-off many times
before I retired.
That was when I was a boy.
Face the man now. You see?
Yeah. Well, my seven Chili
Championships are behind me,
and I like being retired.
You're like Jordan, retiring
at the top of your game.
That's right. Because there
were no more challenges,
and there still wouldn't be.
- Whoa. Whoa.
- Okay.
And this year is gonna
be a little bit different
because I got my uncle's
famous chili recipe,
and I'm gonna blow
y'all out of the water.
It's called wait.
It's called oh, my God.
You should try a memory word-train.
You say a word
and it makes you think
of the next word and so on
until you get back to the thing
you were trying to remember.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I heard that.
So you just, like, say
it like a word-train.
Like, like, chili, chili
Chili dog, dog, doghouse,
housework, work, work
pants, pants pocket
Hey, my car keys. I didn't
even know these were lost.
Thanks, Andy. That works.
Glad I could help, I guess.
In honor of the 25th Annual
A Shift Chili Cook-off,
I got us a little upgrade.
[CHUCKLES]
[ANGELIC CHOIR SINGING]
BOTH: Oh, shit. The Chili Chalice.
[CHUCKLES]
I had them add some effects
down at TakeHomeATrophy.
It was 7 bucks.
50 bucks for insurance, but
we can split that or whatever.
Man, look, Cap, you're
all over this thing.
2016, Chili Wonka.
Chili with a hint of
chocolate to melt your heart.
2015, Chilary Swank,
2014, Winston ChurChili,
2013, Chili Nelson.
Oh, yeah. That one that
gave you the munchies.
But look at this new
blank name space, though.
I had them add another base
so we can add more names to it.
All that empty space after my name
makes the Penisi era look like ages ago.
And I'm okay with because
I'm retired. End of story.
Hey, where's our judge?
Lucy's driving him from
the dentist right now.
The dude just got all
his wisdom teeth removed.
- Is he gonna be able to judge?
- You tell me.
Lucy just went live-streaming
on "Boi-oi-oing."
[BABBLES INCOHERENTLY]
Lower seals! Lower seals!
Hey, it's a safari.
Wanna go on a safari?
They got lions and tigers.
They got rhinoceroses.
They got wildebeests.
Often they have safaris
on the Serengeti.
Have you ever been to Serengeti before?
Man, these videos are so embarrassing.
I'm telling you, that's a
good lesson to young people,
- though, right?
- Yeah.
Stay away from the dentist.
No, that's not the lesson.
I'm gonna get one of
those squirrel suits.
You wear a squirrel suit before?
- No, Dad.
- You can fly off cliffs with 'em.
They're skin tight.
- Super tight. It's skin tight.
- [LAUGHING]
Lower seals! Lower seals!
I don't know why the
seals won't go down.
Wow, you are Boing-ing like crazy.
Lucy, is this real life?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey. Whoo!
- Throw me in the ball pit.
- He is lunchmeat.
What's up, Eddie! Hey.
You wanna ride the
rollercoaster with me?
- Oh!
- Whoo.
- Ah!
- [CHUCKLING] Yeah.
- [LAUGHS]
- That's a good one.
- Hey, hey!
- Hey.
- I got an owl box.
- I know.
- You know I got an owl box?
- I helped you put it up.
- I helped you put it up.
- I put it in my backyard.
I have a rodent problem.
You know rodents?
- Yes.
- Owls eat rabbits, gophers,
skunks, moles, monkeys.
Do you have monkeys on your land?
- Yeah, gopher monkeys.
- Gopher monkeys?
Yeah. You ever seen
gopher monkeys before?
No. What do they eat?
Underground bananas?
- They eat rocks.
- A rock monkey?
I wish things could always be this way.
Hey, I saw you on the social media.
- The social media, huh?
- Yeah.
Well, did you see that
I was kind of blowing up?
- You know, there are people
- Hey, hey.
Who don't like those kind of videos.
Did you know I got an owl box?
- Especially dentist ones.
- Hey, I got an owl box.
And this is one of them. I know.
I helped you put up the owl box.
I don't mean to interrupt. Go ahead.
Do you know how hard it is
to get a video to
spring on Boi-oi-oing?
He got me 100 re-bounces.
I mean, if he keeps this up,
he could be the next
Cranberry Juice Guy.
- How come my legs don't go up?
- Did you ask his permission?
Yeah. I mean, of course I asked him.
- You like pickles?
- I love pickles.
- Dill?
- Dill, fried.
- Gherkins?
- How do you not love this?
- Just be careful.
- I got it. I got it.
Nice one, Chief.
- Whoa, who's this guy?
- Andy.
- Is he real, this guy?
- Yeah, he's real.
Yeah. Hey, are you excited
about a little Chili Cook-off?
Oh, it's gonna be super awesome.
- Oh, yeah.
- I've been watching it on TV.
No, we're gonna be doing it here.
No, it's been on ESPN.
I was thinking that maybe
I'd use a recipe from the islands.
- Hawaii.
- Yeah.
But do you like pineapple?
- I like in piña coladas.
- That's great.
- Do you like piña colada?
- I do.
One time when she was 16-years-old,
I caught Lucy drinking piña colada.
Oh, God.
- Such a great story.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
Well, that's all I needed to hear.
- It's got a lot of vitamins in it.
- Great.
Hey, when will I see you again?
- Still gonna be here.
- Lucy! Lucy!
Hey, are we gonna do the
morning meeting today?
- When is today?
- Um, now.
- You don't have to, Chief.
- No, let's do it.
Morning meeting?
That's my favorite thing.
- Oof.
- Be careful, Chief.
[ALL GROANING]
Kinda looks like a Fruit Roll-Up.
Granny, is he supposed to do that?
- No.
- How much more is there?
Almost done. [GROANS]
- Ugh.
- That hurt.
- Oh, God.
- Ugh.
- Good. So that's done.
- Enough of that, right?
Right now I'm gonna open
the floor up to questions.
Hey, if we're doing questions, can I
Yeah, muscles. Go.
If you had to get rid of one
fire fighter out of all us
- Uh-oh.
- Be honest.
- Would it be Andy?
- Hey.
It definitely would not be Andy
because I often use his toothbrush.
[CHUCKLES] He didn't know it,
but, you know, sometimes when
I don't have my toothbrush,
I use his toothbrush.
What did you say?
I find you to be the
most hygienically sound.
What do you mean?
Like, he got the cleanest mouth?
Yeah, he's got a super clean mouth.
Look at him. He's like a
little, round bar of soap.
That is so weird, Dad.
You know what I'm talking 'bout?
I'm gonna change the subject.
- Hey, Chief, I have a question.
- Yeah, go, you in the front.
Will we be getting raises this year?
Will we be getting racist this year?
Young lady, you're
new to this department,
but that's bullshit.
No, no, no. Raises this year.
Braces? Andy could use some braces,
if you know what I'm talking about.
- Whoa!
- That's rude.
Chief, c'mon, you
gotta lay off with that.
What is happening?
Raises! An increase in salary.
Oh, raises.
I'll tell you what, if I were
Andy and I was getting a raise,
I'd use the money to
straighten my teeth out.
- Okay, okay. C'mon, c'mon.
- You know what I'm saying? No offense.
- Is this a roast?
- Chief.
And you, stop putting
lemon in your hair, Ike.
What? I'm not putting I
don't put lemon in my hair.
It makes your hair a weird color, bro.
- Chief, you need some water.
- Just man to man, I'm telling you.
Don't use a straw.
The suction can cause dry socket.
Ooh, dry socket. I don't
even know what that is.
What's dry socket?
It's when suction pops a
blood clot inside the wound.
You know what this room
could use? An owl box.
C'mon. C'mon, dude. C'mon.
An owl box, just an owl box.
Do you have an owl box?
How did I not just film all of that?
- Mm.
- Hoo.
- Ah ♪
- Oh, he's back.
[VOCALIZING HIGH NOTES]
This is great, man.
We should have a Chili Cook-off, right?
- Should we?
- That's a good idea. Yeah.
Here's one thing, though.
See that blanks space?
What happened to all
your champion-shipses?
I added a base plate to put
more names for more winners.
Yeah, but all the blank space
makes it look like he's
never won anything before.
[LAUGHTER]
Right? Huh? I'm gonna go have
some pudding out of this, okay?
- Go for it.
- I'll see you later.
Okay, take her easy.
I'll see you guys later. What's up, cup?
All right. [WHISTLES]
You guys, we could still do this.
Chief's gonna be back
to his old self soon.
Is he even gonna be
able to chew, though?
Yeah, he'll be fine in a couple hours.
We should definitely
do the Chili Cook-off.
- We?
- Yeah, we.
If Jordan could unretire, then so can I.
And I'm gonna join this year's Cook-off.
And I'm gonna kick all y'all's asses.
So this is a recipe from
my Hawaiian ancestors,
and Chief says he already loves it.
So I'm excited. [CHUCKLES]
But here is the big story.
Coming out of retirement,
seven-time champion
Captain Eddie Penisi.
That's right, seven
time champion. Seven.
What's it feel like to be back?
It's like putting on
an old slipper. Whoo!
- [POT CLATTERS]
- [LAUGHTER]
Hey, Lucy.
If you're gonna do a
show, introduce the star.
- Come down here.
- Oh, come on.
My apologies. Granny, tell
us what's going down here.
Well, as two-time defending champ,
I'm getting a little creative,
so I will be making a chili
with a zesty cheese base.
[IMITATES BUZZER]
That sounds like a queso.
A chili can be a lot of things,
but it's definitely not yellow.
All right. Ike, what's in your chili?
Uh, it's a mystery. So.
Ooh, he's playing it coy, folks.
No, no, it's actually a mystery to me.
I have no idea 'cause I
don't have my uncle's recipe.
I lost it, so I don't
know what to do with
Ike, you should use
the memory word-train.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Just give me one second.
Recipe, recipe book, book, book smart,
smartass, asshole, whole onion.
Whole onion. That's it.
I got tons of whole onions.
Hope you like it spicy.
All right, Rachael Ray, your turn.
Okay.
I have a recipe and I have
a special ingredient in it
that is going to blow
the tits off this place.
And it's vegetarian.
Vegetarian as in turkey meat?
No. It's a plant-based
beef substitute called
Implausible Meat.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you know who the judge is?
We call him Chief because
he likes chicken and beef.
Well, over the past few
months, I've been mixing
Implausible Meat into
his burgers and meatloaf.
I've reconditioned his
palate and he has no idea.
That's implausible.
Clever girl.
Son of a bitch.
That's cheating.
It's the long game, Granny.
Whatever. You chilennials
can have your fake meat
and your pineapple and your queso.
I just stick to a good,
old-fashioned chili.
Keep It Simple Stew-pid.
I think I know what my Dad likes.
Well, I've known your Dad
since his cholesterol was under 300.
You knew him in the womb? [LAUGHTER]
Hey, Chief, we were
just talking about you.
- Your ears must be burning.
- [GROANING]
Why's everybody standing around?
It doesn't take all day to bake chili.
Oh. I think his anesthesia wore off.
What's that? Fruit in your chili?
- Yeah.
- Hot fruit's disgusting.
But I thought you said you
were gonna like this, Chief.
I'm calling it Beaña Colada.
I never said that.
Fruit should be eaten
at room temperature
and only when your wife tells you to.
Hey, Chief,
remember coming back from
the dentist this morning?
I remember everything.
You guys are lucky
nobody video'd me because
it would be trouble.
There's nothing worse
than those stupid videos
with those pathetic idiots
coming home from the dentist.
- They do get a lot of boings.
- It's an invasion of privacy!
Ow. [SIGHS]
The pain in my mouth is
getting exponentially worse.
And I'm hungry. So we're gonna do
this chili contest in
exactly one half hour.
[GROANING]
Hey, is your dad taking his medication?
They gave him pain pills
but he won't take 'em.
- Why not?
- He says he doesn't need them.
Ugh. Why do old, white men do that?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Don't look at me. I love medication.
And I'm not old.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
C'mon, dude, you don't
have to suffer through this.
Lucy brought your medication.
You should take it. Here. Yeah.
I don't need pain meds.
I'm a McConky. McConkys can handle pain.
- You had oral surgery, man.
- So what?
My wife gave birth without drugs.
I think I'm man enough to
handle a little toothache.
- Dismissed!
- [SIGHS]
20 minutes!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SLOW-MOTION LAUGHTER]
Done. With eight minutes to spare.
Figures. Old people love to eat early.
[CHUCKLES] That's cute, Granny.
I remember my second championship.
And I'm on my way to my third.
Hmm. Well, if you do it,
don't forget to thank
the dairy farmers. What?
There's seven minutes left here,
and everyone is up against the clock
except Granny and Cap
seem to be more interested
in slinging zings than chili.
Lucy, stop messing around!
Live in the moment, for God's sake.
Okay.
Why do I still smell pineapple?
- What?
- [GROWLS]
What am I supposed to do?
I already took all the
pineapple chunks out of there.
[GROANING]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Ike. That looks more like sloppy joes.
This is my Uncle Joe's recipe.
How did you even know
we call him Sloppy?
You made sloppy joes instead of chili.
Oh, no.
Sloppy joe, Uncle Joe,
Joe, Joe, Joe Biden.
Biding my time, time's up. I'm fucked.
[GROANING]
[SIGHS]
30 seconds! I need water.
But Chief!
Chief, no!
- [POP]
- [GROANING]
He popped the clot! Dry socket!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[ENERGETIC MUSIC]
Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no!
What the hell are you doing?
I'm totally springing right now.
I'm getting so many re-bounces.
I could be an influencer!
This Cook-off is cancelled! [SCREAMS]
[APP BOINGING]
I like him better
with his wisdom teeth.
[CHUCKLES]
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
I'm actually happy that
the cook-off is over
'cause now I can put some
pineapple back into my chili
and have a great dinner.
I can't believe we did
all this work for nothing.
The dry socket tirade
did get me a shitload more followers.
Implausible Meat even
started following me.
See?
If only there was a way we
could get him to take his meds.
Then he'd be able to judge again.
And I could get so many more followers.
The man won't use medicated lip balm.
There's no chance he's
taking those meds on his own.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey, Dad. Here's some chocolate milk.
It'll make you feel better.
Hey, Chief, brought
your favorite pudding.
[MOUTH FULL] Thank you.
All right, eat it.
- You put it in my mouth?
- No.
You're supposed to rub it on your body.
Ah!
I don't let my wife touch my neck.
What neck? You're like a snowman.
Mm, that's a good chowder.
- May I?
- Hey, take it easy.
No, no, it's good. This will add flavor.
I'm on statins.
[PEANUT BRITTLE TAPS]
I can't eat peanut brittle.
Oh, 'cause you you
don't wanna hurt your teeth.
Peanut brittle! It's peanut brittle!
I know. Sorry.
Idiot!
Don't judge me.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Ah.
- Hey, what's up, dude?
What's in the oven?
Thought the contest was over.
So did I. Then I saw you stirring.
Well, you never know.
Maybe the Chief will
suddenly feel better.
Mm. That's what I thought.
And as you know,
any good firefighter
always stays prepared.
[SNIFFS] Oh, yeah. Who's making steak?
You son of a bitch. You're pivoting.
[GOOFY LAUGH]
- What's up, guys?
- Hey, Chief.
- Okay.
- Hey.
I'm coming over here.
What's up Ike-oroni?
- I'm pretty good.
- The San Francisco treat.
[CHUCKLES] Oops. We good.
[CHUCKLING] Whoo-hoo!
Oh, man, I feel good.
You look good.
My neck smells fantastic. Smell it.
- Huh?
- You wanna smell it?
- Oh, yeah.
- What's it smell like?
Smells like flowers.
- Piña colada, piña colada. Right?
- Yeah, piña colada.
So I'm feeling really good.
And I'm thinking the contest is back on.
- Oh!
- Sweet.
You know what? I liked my
milk and my pudding so much,
I think you should
blend the chilis. Right?
What do you mean? Like in a blender?
Yeah, man. That would be dope.
Don't you think? I mean,
do you wanna chew?
- No, sir. I mean
- Do you wanna chew?
- Don't have to chew.
- Who wants to chew?
- You wanna chew?
- No, it hurts my teeth.
It's too much exercise.
Let's cut the middleman, right?
Okay, yeah. Who needs a middleman?
Liquefy the bitch. [CHUCKLES]
C'mon, 15 minutes.
Whoa! What's up, man?
What's up? Vertical leap!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SNORING]
Huh?
What are we waiting for?
- You, your honor.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES] Let's begin.
Andy Myawani's, sir, and I'm
presenting to you Beaña Colada.
- That's funny.
- Enjoy.
Beaña Colada.
Mm.
Seems like someone was trying
to hide the taste of pineapple.
And we all know hot fruit is not dope.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
My submission is Mission Implausible.
I don't understand it,
but okay. [CHUCKLES]
Mm oh, my God, this is disgusting.
[LAUGHTER]
Is this that Implausible Meat shit
- that you give me at home?
- You knew about that?
- Yeah. This stuff sucks.
- Ha!
Tastes like a house
plant took a shit.
Implausibly sucky.
Last place! [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
What's this one all about?
- Sloppy Joe's chili.
- Oh, you'll like it.
Pretty good.
If it was a sloppy joe
contest, but it's not.
- No, I guess not.
- Disqualified.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- Thanks for trying it.
Hey, Chiefy.
My entry: Keep It Simple Stew-pid.
All right.
Oh, first of all, you
spelled stupid wrong, stupid.
[SLURPS]
- Steak.
- Mm-hmm.
Medium rare.
Just the way you like it, Chief.
Potatoes. This is delicious, Captain.
Wait. Liquefied steak and potatoes?
Are you kidding me?
Yeah. Well, sometimes
you gotta change your
recipe-nizi on the fly.
Hey, look at that.
Appetizers. Cheese All That.
Oh, yeah, man, that's pretty good.
- Dad, be careful.
- Chief. Chief.
It doesn't matter. Can't feel a thing.
- No!
- These chips are pointy.
- No!
- Oh, gosh.
- Chief.
- C'mon, Chief.
Oh, this is gold.
- You guys want some?
- No.
Okay, listen up.
I am prepared to announce the winner.
And the winner
of the contest
is
Dad. Dad, wake up.
Hey, there he is.
The winner is
Beaña Colada.
- What?
- You hate hot fruit.
- C'mon.
- Want one?
Here you go, little buddy.
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you, Chief, so much.
Thank you, Chief.
- Breathe in, man.
- [CHUCKLING] Wow.
[SIGHS]
[CRYING] Here we are, the champ.
And it started at a
little island in Hawaii.
My ancestors went across
What the hell are you guys doing?
What? What are we doing?
This is how you treat your friend?
- Your father? Your chief?
- Oh, man.
And Lucy, you live-streamed
him like this out to the world?
But it's so hard to go viral.
Vicky, what are you doin' here?
I saw you on the internet.
You're a meme.
What's that supposed to meme?
Mom, please don't.
[QUIRKY DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Who's that guy?
He looks like an asshole.
[CHUCKLES]
[SNORING]
There he is.
Look who's name is on the chalice.
[CHUCKLES] Andy Myawani. Whoo!
Beaña Colada. They even
got the enye in there.
Congrats, Andy.
- Thank you.
- What the hell?
I can't get into my
Boi-oi-oing account.
That's because I shut it down.
- What?
- Oh, no-oi-oi-oi-oing.
Yeah. When I saw the videos you posted
without my permission,
I filed a complaint.
Your account has been
suspended indefinitely.
No, no, no. What
about my new followers?
- They took 'em away.
- No. Dad.
And I am banning all employees
from using B-boi-oi-oing
in the workplace.
I think that's a little extreme.
Pineapple chili. What was I thinking?
Ugh. No more pain meds.
Hey, don't sweat it,
Lucy. Followers shmollowers.
What does social media really get you?
Yeah, it's not like
somebody's in their office
right now saying, "Hey, get
that Lucy McConky on the line.
We need to give her a million dollars."
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, my God. This stuff sucks.
Implausible Meat? Ugh.
Tastes like a house
plant took a shit.
Okay, that's rude.
I really thought Lucy McConky
would be the new face
of Implausible Meat, but I guess not.
She doesn't even have
a Boi-oi-oing account any more.
Oh, what a loser.
Reach out to that
firefighter in Pittsburgh.
The one who made Implausible
Mince Meat Pie for her station.
- She will be, like, so dope.
- Good idea, Becky.
Oh, and she has a cat named Penguin.
Our demo's gonna go insane.
Oh, my God. I would've
never thought of that.
I know. So innovative.
Too bad, Lucy McConky.
You will never know how close you came.
Buh-bye.