Ted Lasso (2020) s03e03 Episode Script

1
["OUT OF MY HEAD" PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
- Morning.
- Morning. Made you some coffee.
Oh, I don't do caffeine.
Right. Your body is a temple.
Well, I don't know about that.
More like a church in an airport.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Big day for Richmond.
Thought you didn't know
anything about football.
[SWALLOWS] Oh, I don't.
But I know who Zava is.
- Of course.
- [CHUCKLES]
Text me when you get back from Dubai?
["OUT OF MY HEAD" CONTINUES PLAYING]
- Safe flight.
- Thanks. Safe driving.
[COLIN CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
I am a strong and capable man.
[ENGINE STARTS, REVS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Bollocks.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Okay. So obviously Zava's gonna
be moving into our starting lineup.
- Which means, if my maths
- Mm-hmm.
- are corrects
- Mm-mmm.
we're gonna have to sit someone.
- [ROY] Mmm.
- Who's it gonna be?
Well, I think it's gotta be Colin.
Ouch.
Mmm. Colin's a chameleon. He can
change depending on a situation.
Bigger issue is, you put Zava up front,
either Jamie or Dani's gonna
have to drop back to midfield.
So, who do we think will take
the news better? Dani or Jamie?
[COACH BEARD, TED, ROY] Dani.
Yeah. Nah, Jamie's a lot like
my mom's Precious Moments
figurines collection.
I have no idea what that means.
- He's a fragile little bitch.
- Mmm.
Brevity is nice, but sometimes clarity
is the true soul of wit. Thank you, Roy.
Um, it's almost ten o'clock,
we should probably get going.
You feeling okay?
A little bit nervous. Um, had
some diarrhea earlier this morning.
- Mmm.
- Uh, please don't put that in the book.
Oh, I've never been clear on the
spelling, so I probably won't.
D-I-A, double R, H-E-A.
Except in England, you have a silent O,
as in, "Oh, no, you've got diarrhea."
- Ah.
- [TED] I'm in the same boat, Higgy bear.
My tummy's got more knots in it
than Wayne's World 1
and 2 smooshed together.
I don't know why. I've been
around great athletes all my life.
Heck, Roy, you're a great athlete.
Eh, not like Zava.
Oh, come on, don't sell yourself short.
If anything, sell yourself
tall and get it altered later.
No, Zava's different. Just watch.
We can't just watch. We gotta
make this fella part of the team.
- Mmm.
- Coaching a superstar can't be all,
- "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"
- Mm-hmm.
Although, if you ask me, the Nazis
were the real problem in that story.
- Am I right, Coach?
- Yeah. Come on, Mother Superior,
- let's have a little perspective.
- Yeah, exactly, yeah.
Sorry, Roy, I know you don't
like all this musical theater talk
- this early in the morning.
- No, I'll allow it.
I used to fancy Julie Andrews.
Well, I still do, to be fair.
The voice, the eyes,
the way you know she'd tell
you off if you'd been bad.
- [TRENT, TED, ROY, HIGGINS] Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, we gotta do it. All-time
favorite Julie Andrews character. Go!
Fuck it. Maria!
- Resolute as always. Coach, what you got?
- Eliza Doolittle.
Ooh. Audio-only
performance, I love that.
- Professor Higgins.
- Come on you Poppins!
Mm-hmm, same, I'm right there with you.
Trent, you have one? You
don't have to. You got one?
Clarisse Renaldi, Queen of Genovia.
- Oh.
- [IMITATES EXPLOSION]
Fuck yeah, Princess Diaries.
Deep cut. Zagged.
[PLAYERS] Wow. Wow. This is nice.
I can't believe it's really happening.
When I was a boy, I
played in Zava boots,
I slept in Zava boots,
I made love for the
first time to Zava boots.
Think you mean "in Zava boots."
No.
Hey, you know, last
night at the restaurant,
as the painters were finishing up,
I spent a very
pleasurable hour on YouTube
watching Zava's greatest goals.
- By the end, my head was spinning.
- [CHUCKLING]
Though it may also have
been the paint fumes.
The way Zava moves on the pitch
[IMITATES WHOOSHING] Like a panther.
[CHUCKLES] So sexy, eh?
[CHUCKLES] Sound a bit gay, bruv.
Well, I'm gay
[PLAYER] Huh?
- for Zava, I mean.
- [CHUCKLING]
That's true. Some men have a
charisma that transcends orientation.
[SMACKS LIPS] Uh, Paul Newman,
- Idris Elba, Norm Macdonald.
- [MURMURING]
Zava is definitely one of
those charisma unicorns.
- [MURMURING]
- Okay, you guys have convinced me.
- I'll have sex with Zava.
- [LAUGHING]
Hey, what's up, man?
What the fuck is this?
[DOOR OPENS]
All right, fellas, come on. Showtime.
Let's everybody head out to the pitch.
- [PLAYERS] Let's go.
- Hey Jamie, come on, man.
Hurry up and get dressed.
We don't wanna keep
our newest teammate waiting.
- [PLAYERS] Whoo!
- Let's do this.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- [FAN] We want Zava! Come on!
[CHATTERING, CHUCKLING]
This is what you get.
[BABBLING]
[YAWNS]
Where the hell is he?
Leslie! We do have a
signed contract, don't we?
Of course. We have an e-signature.
That's legally binding.
I think.
I'll make a call.
- His agent hasn't heard from him, but
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
she's tracked his phone
which is currently in Mykonos.
If he has changed his mind again,
I'm going to look like
an absolute arsehole.
Maybe we can try and
cheer them up somehow?
[SIGHS]
Do you want me to take my shirt
off and run across the pitch?
- [STAMMERS]
- You must be Shandy.
[SHANDY, KEELEY GASP]
Shandy's shadowing me for the day.
To get the hang of things, you know?
- It's so nice to finally meet you.
- Mm-hmm.
I'd love to go for a coffee
and pick your brain sometime.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Like, how tall are you?
- Shandy.
- Yeah?
Would you go to concessions and
start selling merch at half price?
- Great idea.
- [KEELEY] Yeah, thank you.
- Oh, oh
- Keep your shirt on.
- Oh, right. Of course.
- [CHUCKLES]
[SHANDY] Bye, babe.
[EXHALES SHAKILY]
- [CHUCKLES] She's a live one.
- [CHUCKLES]
[INHALES SHARPLY] Shit. Now I'm late.
- For what?
- [SIGHS]
Nothing. It's silly. I'll tell
you later. [BREATHES DEEPLY]
I love mysterious Rebecca. [GIGGLES]
Hey, guys. Are we sure that
Zava has the right address?
I'd hate to think he's sitting in
the middle of Virginia right now
waiting on us, you know?
So, I just talked to legal
about Zava's contract.
Uh, an e-signature is 100% binding.
Tiny wrinkle, instead of signing
his name, he signed "You're welcome."
Shit. What are we going to do?
Hey, look, superstars
play by their own rules.
Back in '98, I waited over
three hours for Public Enemy
to take the stage of this
joint called The Cubby Bear.
When a man with a giant clock
around his neck is that late,
it ain't about time.
- He's making a statement.
- Oh.
Right, I'm calling it.
We're going to go upstairs
and figure out what we do next.
Leslie, I want you to talk to
the crowd and tell them something.
Of course, Rebecca. I got this.
Back in uni, my deejay
name was Damage Control.
I didn't know you deejayed.
I didn't actually, but I had
the name ready if I ever started.
- Shit. Right, come on, let's go.
- Yeah.
Welcome to the Dogtrack.
[FAN 1] Who the fuck are you?
[PEOPLE CHUCKLING]
- Uh
- [DOORS OPENING]
I can't believe this is happening.
Why does anyone put
up with this lunatic?
Because as humans, we
adapt to accommodate genius.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Who is the greatest actor alive?
Or was, before he retired.
- Daniel Day-Lewis.
- Tony Curtis.
Oh, you said alive? Jackie Chan.
Wait, you said retired?
Daniel Day-Lewis.
Exactly. When he gets in
character, he stays in character,
and everyone else adapts to him. Ooh!
Did you know, that when he made Lincoln
he actually texted Sally
Field as Abraham Lincoln?
Well, that's ridiculous.
Abraham Lincoln couldn't text.
Exactly. Every time he
looked down at his phone,
his hat would fall off.
Look, this Zava might be a genius,
but he's definitely
a self-absorbed prick.
Your desk is covered in biscuit crumbs.
What the fuck are you doing?
We've waited two hours for you.
Oh, time is a construct, like
gender and many of the alphabets.
Oh, get out of my chair!
This is your manager.
Hey, how you doing? I'm
Ted Lasso. [CHUCKLES]
- [STAMMERS]
- My leader,
- I am an empty vessel filled with gold.
- Oh.
I am your rock. Mold me.
[WHISTLES] Well, hey, if you
score goals like you talk,
we gonna be just fine, buddy.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Right. And this is Keeley Jones.
- She handles all our publicity.
- Hi.
- My queen. [KISSES]
- Oh.
My actions today have made
your job much more difficult.
No, don't worry about it. No
such thing as bad press, right?
My integrity disallows me
to agree with that statement.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- [HIGGINS] He's allergic to hummus.
- [SHANDY] Yeah, I know, I know.
- Oh, my God. You're here. [SIGHS]
And you are there.
And this is Leslie Higgins,
our director of football.
Ah.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
[GRUNTS]
[WHISPERS] You are the glue.
Thank you very much.
[GRUNTS]
Ooh.
I will go see the team now.
- [SMACKS]
- Ooh.
Do you even know where you're going?
[ZAVA] I do not!
Are you kidding me? Wowie zowie.
[CHUCKLES] You know what,
maybe I oughta tag along
in case he gets nervous.
Seems like he can be a
little bit of a wallflower.
Mmm.
Great. And now I'm in a rush.
Leslie, tell me, how did
the damage control go?
- Oh, it was a mess, but he was adorable.
- Oh, thank you.
- Who is this?
- This is Shandy. We work together.
- Oh.
- And she's a great friend of mine.
Oh.
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- Hey, did Zava come through here?
- [PLAYERS] He's here? You saw him?
Yeah, he was upstairs just a second ago.
- What? He's here?
- He's here!
- [PLAYER 2] In this building?
- Yes. He should be here.
- Oh, my God. [GIGGLES]
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Okay, maybe we should all
just split up and go
- [GASPS]
- [TED] Oy.
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SOFTLY] He touched me.
He's like an angel.
Why are you downgrading
him? He is clearly a god.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
I will begin by addressing the
most important person in this room.
[MURMURING]
Which of you is the kit man?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, um
Yeah, he usually
[STRAINS, STAMMERS] That's me. Uh
[BREATHES SHAKILY] I'm Will.
Uh, I am [STRAINS]
- Will.
- Yep.
I too worked as a ball boy for a
club when I was just 11 years old.
I'm 25.
Your passion
is why I play.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- [TED] Mmm.
And you.
[SMACKS LIPS] My team.
- My brothers.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Breathe with me.
- Mm-hmm.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
[CLICKS TONGUE] Right
now? Okay, here we go.
- [BREATHING DEEPLY]
- [INHALES DEEPLY]
[ALL EXHALING DEEPLY]
[SNIFFS, EXHALES DEEPLY]
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
- We are now one.
- [PLAYER GASPS]
There is no me.
There is no you.
- There is only the "we"
- Mm-hmm.
[MURMURING]
and the "us."
And the we in us.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
Okay, so
- [CLAMORING]
- [TED] Okay.
Um, coaches, let's,
uh let's go in here,
have a word really quickly,
before he scurries off.
Everybody else, just go ahead and
keep breathing amongst yourselves.
He's so much more
down-to-earth than I imagined.
- Right?
- Wow.
Which one of these is me?
- [WHISPERS] You're the fucking coach.
- [STAMMERS]
Uh, you know what, we were thinking
[STAMMERS] the top right.
- [SCOFFS] Fuck's sake.
- [STAMMERS] Or left, or left, or left.
Whichever one you want really.
I am very excited to be here.
- Oh, hey, we're very excited
- I will see you tomorrow.
Yep.
He's tall.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Rebecca?
- Tish. Hello there.
- Come in.
Come through.
Please make yourself at home.
[CLEARS THROAT, EXHALES DEEPLY]
Yeah, just take a seat. Relax.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Would you like something to drink?
Water? Tea? Or cocktail, perhaps?
Sure, I'll have a White Russian, thanks.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh. Yeah, I'm
afraid I'm fresh out of Kahlúa
- [SMACKS LIPS] Ah.
- after hosting a Big Lebowski
themed birthday party for a colleague.
But would straight vodka suffice?
I was literally just making a joke.
I know. Which is why I made two.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
You have been through a lot recently.
The dark soul of one man just
disconnected you from your own.
And then another beautiful and
worthy soul, in a man half your age,
arrived exactly at the right
time. And the wrong time.
Sorry, how do you know that?
Well, I speak to your
mother once a month
- Ah. [CHUCKLES]
- for the last six years.
So, Rebecca, how can I help you?
I'm not sure you can.
A skeptic. Well, I
shouldn't be surprised.
Oh, because you're
supposed to be a psychic?
Oh, no.
Because your mother was a skeptic.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Are you
familiar with kintsugi?
It's the Japanese art of mending
broken things, uh, with gold.
It [INHALES SHARPLY]
The idea is that
that we embrace the flaws
and the and the imperfections,
and in doing so create something
much stronger and more beautiful.
So
we are going to place
our hands on the bowl.
- Would you?
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
Sorry, what's that
Smells very odd in here all of a sudden.
Thank you.
Let's begin.
[SWALLOWS, EXHALES DEEPLY]
I can see something.
Mmm, it's in your hand. An
object. It's very special.
Is it a bowl?
It's a green matchbook.
Sorry, it's what?
[STAMMERS] A green
matchbook. How lovely.
Sorry, who cares about
a green matchbook?
[SHUSHES, STAMMERS] Now
I can hear something.
Shite!
Oh, for God's sake.
[STAMMERING] No, just
one at a time, please.
I
Shite in wh Shite
in nin Sh Oh
[STAMMERS] yeah,
shite in nining armor.
"A shite in nining armor"?
- [SIGHS] Does that mean something to you?
- Yes, it does mean something to me.
It means you're even more
batshit crazy than I
Shut up, I can hear something else.
It's thunder a
a-and lightning and you.
And you're upside down, an
an-an-and you're drenched.
[INHALES DEEPLY] But you're safe.
Okay, that that's
enough I think for today.
But thank you so much for
your time and for sharing your,
what is it, your gift?
[CHUCKLES] We can just tell my
mum I did the whole session. Yes?
You will have a family.
Sorry, what did you just say?
You're going to be a mother.
Fuck you.
I've always thought you
were completely harmless
because my mum could afford you,
but you are actually dangerous.
And you're fucking cruel.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
- [KEELEY] So, boys, exciting stuff.
- [LAUGHING]
We've got a lot of interview
requests coming in for all of you.
Ooh, ooh. I'd love to get the
word out about the restaurant.
Well, right now the press would like
to focus on Zava joining the team.
- Oh. Yeah, okay.
- [COLIN] Oh.
I would rather talk about
Zava than myself any day.
What do you want us to say?
Well, that's up to you.
Go for it. Say anything.
I would just, you know,
stay positive, light. Right?
Or say something so shocking
your interview goes viral.
Hmm?
- Like you eat your own hair.
- Uh
- No, I
- [PLAYERS] Oh.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- [DOOR OPENS]
Well, uh. Hi, Roy.
Keeley, uh, sorry to interrupt.
No.
Uh, Higgins told me to check
in on some dumb interview shit.
I mean, some important interview shit.
Don't worry, nobody in the
press wants to talk to you.
No, no. That's not actually true.
The press knows that Roy
doesn't love doing interviews.
Yeah, but it's okay. I'll do one
for you if if you need me to.
- Thanks, Roy.
- I'll interview you.
Why'd you dump my friend?
- Ooh.
- Ay, ay, ay.
You're fun.
Who the fuck is this?
This is Shandy. We work together.
- Why?
- She's an old friend of mine.
- That makes more sense.
- [CHUCKLES]
Shandy. I definitely told you about her.
Oh, yeah. Shandy.
You used to eat your own hair, right?
Yeah. I did.
Well, nice to put a face to the hair.
[CHUCKLES]
- Hey, Coach.
- Mm-hmm?
What's today's Wordle?
- Ethic.
- Ethic.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] You're a jerk.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey, Jamie. How you doing?
- Um. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, you can talk to
me as long as you want.
Though I do have a tendency
to doze off around 1:00 a.m.
- What's up?
- [CHUCKLES] Uh, so look Uh.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [STAMMERS] Um.
I know we're all excited Zava's here.
Yeah, I get that. But I know
a lot of players like him,
and they're all just
self-absorbed glory hunters
who only care about themselves.
Mm-hmm.
Uh. Jamie,
don't you think that coming from
you that's a little bit ironic?
Don't know.
But look [STAMMERS] the
point is, we don't need this guy.
I I think we've got
a good thing going here,
and he's already fucking it all up.
[TED] Hey, Jamie, I hear
what you're saying, man.
But I think we've got to give it
a game or two and see what's what.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah,
no, yeah. Course, yeah.
Well, um, thanks for hearing me out.
Aight. Thanks for speaking your
mind. Please continue to do so.
Yeah.
Oh and, uh And I w
I weren't being ironic, I was
being hypocritical. That's it.
- Is that right?
- Mmm.
- Yes or no?
- [SOFTLY] Yes.
So that was actually ironic.
[ARLO] Good afternoon. There is an
electricity today at Nelson Road,
and the cause of all this
excitement goes by one name, Zava.
Like Pelé, if every
letter was different.
There are more VIPs here
than London Fashion Week.
I assume. I don't know.
This is all 'cause you got Zava, babe.
- You've made Richmond fucking global.
- [CHUCKLES]
[BOTH SQUEALING]
All right. Pop quiz, hotshots.
What do you get when you combine
one of Hugh Jackman's finest film roles
with a fancy-pants
New York City getaway?
Jean Valjean Catskills?
Ooh. No. That's a great answer, Sam.
How do you know about the Catskills?
Uh, Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
- Oh, yeah. That's a good show.
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
Yeah. I respect that. Word.
No, the answer I was
looking for actually
was today's opponents, Wolverhampton.
- Full name, Wolverhampton Wanderers.
- Mmm. Thank you.
- Also known as the Wanderers.
- No.
Also known as Wolves.
Okay. So, our opponents today are
the Wolverhampton Wandering Wolves.
- No.
- Just Wolverhampton or Wolves.
Got it. So when the team known
as Wolverhampton, or Wolves,
is wandering around the pitch today
trying to score some soccer goals,
here's the game plan.
Take it away, fellas.
All right, here's your
starters. Here's your subs.
Now remember, this 4-5-1
is not about dropping back.
It's about getting fucking
service into the box for Zava.
- Got it?
- [SIGHS]
Are you all right?
I am still a strong and capable man.
You're all right.
- All free kicks will be taken by
- Zava.
- [COACH BEARD] All penalties
- [ROY] Zava.
- All corners
- Anyone to Zava.
That's it. You fellas set 'em
up, and our man Zava's gonna
- [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- Well, he's gonna knock 'em down.
Okay? Yeah.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SOFTLY] Okay. Uh, let's
bring it in. Come on. Here.
[ZAVA SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- [SOFTLY] Zava.
- [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- [SOFTLY] Zava. Oh.
- [ZAVA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Am I supposed to hit
the gong or something?
[ROY] What's up with that shit?
- [WHISTLES]
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Mm-mm. No.
- [ISAAC WHISTLING SOFTLY]
- [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE, GRUNTS]
[JAMIE] Okay.
I am ready.
Okay. Nicely done.
Okay. Here we go.
All right. Okay, Captain, why don't
you go ahead and flip it Oh.
Richmond on three. One, two, three.
[PLAYERS] Richmond!
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Ooh. He's strong. [CHUCKLES]
[COACH BEARD] Yeah.
- The Precious Moments figurine.
- Little bitch.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
- How much time we got, Coach?
- Exactly four minutes.
Okay, great.
I'm gonna call Henry
real quick. Wish him luck.
His soccer team starts
the playoffs today.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
- Uh-oh.
- What's wrong?
I can't find my phone.
Shoot, I know where it is.
I left it sitting on my
bathroom sink. Dang it.
That's what you get for
playing Tetris on the toilet.
[GROANS] Yeah, that and numb legs.
You know, that's all right, I'll
persevere. I'll go old school.
[CHUCKLES, GROANS]
- Uh-oh.
- What now?
I can't remember Michelle's
cell phone number.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
- Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
- I think it's just a thing. [MUMBLES]
Well, yeah.
- You okay?
- Yeah. No, no.
I'll just call the house. No, I
No, I'm good. I'll be right out.
Henry, we gotta go! And
don't forget your shin guards!
[HENRY] Okay!
- Thanks again for driving.
- Yeah, no problem.
[PHONE RINGING]
- You still have a landline?
- Yeah. I don't know why.
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Are you gonna answer it?
No. It's probably a telemarketer.
Henry, let's go!
May I answer it?
I have a thing for
messing with telemarketers.
- [CHUCKLES] Knock yourself out.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Watch this.
[IMITATING DONALD TRUMP] Um, hello.
You've reached the
house of Michelle Keller.
Who by the way is doing amazing
things with orange slices these days.
You're gonna be amazed.
It's really spectacular.
How can I help you?
Well, hey, Mr. Former President.
Boy, have I got a bone to
pick with you. [CHUCKLES]
Hello?
Hello?
[NORMAL] Ted.
- Yeah. Who is this?
- This is Jacob Bryanson.
Dr. Jacob?
[JACOB] Yeah. Um, y Ted,
you can just call me Jake.
Dr. Jacob.
Henry, come on!
[WHISPERS] Michelle. Michelle.
- [WHISPERS] What?
- [SOFTLY] It's Ted.
[MICHELLE SIGHS]
Shit.
- [MICHELLE] Hi, Ted.
- Uh, hey. Uh
[HENRY] Found 'em!
Hey, sweetie. Uh, do you want
to talk to Daddy really quick?
- Dad.
- Hey, buddy.
[HENRY] We're playing the Dragons
today, and they're undefeated.
Yeah, well, you know they ain't
gonna be undefeated for long.
Am I right? [CHUCKLES]
Um. Hey, look, I was just
calling to wish you good luck.
[HENRY] Good luck to you too, Dad.
And please tell Zava that many
of my friends' moms like his abs.
Will do.
- Bye.
- [TED] Bye.
Oh, uh, thank you, sweetie. Um
Uh, Ted, just one second, okay?
Do you wanna wait in the car?
- Do you wanna take him to the Thank you.
- [JACOB] Yes. Of course. Come on, bud.
You ever seen a sunroof? Pretty cool.
[CHUCKLES]
Hi. Sorry, uh
Can we chat when we both
have more time? [GRUNTS]
There's a lot to catch up on.
Um, yeah. No, of course.
[CHUCKLES] All good.
I-I'll talk to you later.
[MICHELLE STAMMERS] Ted,
I Good luck today.
Thanks.
[LINE CLICKS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ARLO] The Richmond faithful
return to their beloved Dogtrack
for the first time this
Premier League season,
and surely when they see the
name Zava on the team sheet,
they'll think they've
died and gone to heaven.
[PLAYER 1] Come on!
Let's go! Let's do it!
[ZAVA] Tartt.
What's he doing now?
Yeah?
Get open. I will find you.
[PLAYER] Come on, boys! Come on!
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [CROWD ROARING]
[JAMIE] Let's go, boys.
- [ROY CHEERS]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[ARLO] My word, he's done it!
Zava has scored from the halfway
line seconds into his debut,
and the Dogtrack is
in a state of rapture.
[CROWD CHEERING]
- Yeah. All right.
- He might be pretty good.
- Here we go.
- I could get used to this shit.
- [CROWD CHANTING] Zava! Zava!
- Yes. Yes. Yay.
[ARLO] Bumbercatch with the
cross. It's a tricky one for Zava.
Oh!
- I cannot believe what I just saw.
- What?
[ARLO] Zava with the scorpion
kick, and Burnley feel the sting.
[CHIMES]
[ALL] Om.
[GONG CHIMES]
[ALL] Om.
[SIGHS]
[ARLO] Richmond up 2-nil over Palace,
who have simply had no answer for Zava.
The corner comes in,
And it's that man again!
Zava, with a towering header!
[ARLO] Soaring like an
eagle amongst penguins.
[SIGHS]
- How do you do?
- [ROY] Morning.
I think it's good.
[KEELEY] And then maybe do a
[SHANDY] I think we should put
it in. Do you think we should?
[ARLO] Rojas finds Tartt.
Still seeking his first goal of
the season, is this the moment?
- No, it's Zava again!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[ALL CHANTING] Zava, Zava, Zava, Zava!
[ARLO] He may have stolen
the goal from Jamie Tartt,
but you can't argue with
the instincts of a champion.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ARLO] If you're a Richmond fan,
you've gotta feel that with Zava
everything is going your way.
I got a job!
- [BOTH EXCLAIM]
- [LAUGHS]
Thank you.
I mean, the whole thing
is just crazy, you know.
He was supposed to be
helping us get back together.
You know what I mean?
It always bothered me
the way he'd be like, uh,
"I'm sorry, our time is up."
Sorry, our time is up.
Nah, that's not quite it. It
was a lot more condescending.
It was more like, "I'm so sorry."
Ted, I'm talking about our
session. Our time is up.
Oh, right. Sorry I didn't get
to ask any personal questions.
I was just yammering.
- [VIDEO CALL ENDS]
- [STAMMERS] Ooh. Wow. Gone. Okay.
[CHUCKLES] Gotta respect it.
George, is Ted Lasso
the coach of the year?
What? Writing the name
Zava on the team sheet?
Come on. Gimme a break,
Jeff. That's not coaching.
No. What Nathan Shelley's
doing over at West Ham,
now that is a tactician at work.
Yeah, I like West Ham.
But I love Zava.
Don't we all, mate?
[ALL LAUGHING]
[ARLO] We're in stoppage
time of what has been
an unforgettable contest.
Richmond surely would
be happy with a draw,
but here's Rojas with a chance
to steal an historic victory
over Manchester United.
["SUPERSTAR" PLAYING]
[ARLO] Zava with a God-like
bicycle kick in injury time.
And surely Richmond have won it.
A Zava hat trick bringing
their first ever victory
in the Theatre of Dreams.
[PLAYERS, CROWD CHEERING]
Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Fuck it!
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
[ARLO] And with this
victory over Brentford
that's six wins on the
bounce for Richmond
- in this Zava-fueled miracle streak.
- [CHEERING] Whoo!
[PLAYERS CHEERING]
You ever think your book
would be a fucking fairy tale?
[JAMIE] Come on!
[PLAYERS CLAMORING]
Yo! Yo, yo, yo! Hey! Guys,
guys, guys. Yo, yo. Check it out.
Listen. Tomorrow, everybody
is invited to the restaurant.
[ALL CHEERING]
[STAMMERING] We're still a few
weeks from officially opening.
- So please, lower your expectations.
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING, LAUGHING]
But it's gonna be an open bar!
[ALL CHEERING]
[PLAYERS CHANTING] Zava,
Zava, Zava, Zava, Zava, Zava!
- Okay. Okay. What do I need? Um Hey.
- Hey. Don't serve my food with that face.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
[SAM] Oh, man.
- Hey.
- Sam, this place is lovely.
- Have a great night.
- Aw. Thank you. Nice seeing you.
- Super great place.
- Ah, yeah.
Thank you. I'll come
and catch you, yeah?
- Peace.
- All right. I'll see you later.
- Hello. Um, okay. This is for you.
- [COLIN] Ooh! The smell.
- [SAM] That's for you.
- Nice.
Mate, this is the best moimoi
I've ever tasted in my life.
Aw, thanks, man.
- Look at me. I'm not kidding.
- Hey.
Thank you. Thanks.
Sam [STUTTERS] is Zava coming?
I made him a friendship bracelet.
Oh, well, I invited him.
Uh, I guess we'll see.
Cool, man.
Okay, you guys. Enjoy the food, okay?
- All right?
- Cool, bro.
- Colin.
- Hi, hi.
- [CHUCKLES] Doing good?
- Yeah, you okay?
Boyos, this is my pal Michael.
- Hiya.
- What's up, man?
- World's greatest wingman.
- [SCOFFS] Yeah. Tough gig.
"Hello, young lady. My friend's
a professional footballer.
May I spend all night talking
to your cross-eyed friend
while he hits on you poorly?"
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [INDISTINCT]
[GASPS] Ooh, what did you
decide after Tish's reading?
- Are you gonna go back and see her?
- [SIGHS] No. No, no.
It's not for me. If I wanted to
be scammed out of all my money,
I'd go the old-fashioned route
and become obsessively religious.
- Cheers to that. [CHUCKLES]
- Mmm.
Well, if it isn't Beauty and the Stink!
- Get out! Sassy!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my God!
- [SASSY CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES, KISSES]
Hey, ladies.
- [ALL] Hi.
- [CHUCKLES] Welcome to Ola's.
- Oh, I'm so happy to see all of you.
- Oh, thanks for having us, Sam.
No, thank you for coming. Please,
make sure you enjoy yourselves, okay?
- Absolutely. Thanks.
- Cheers!
[KEELEY] Thank you.
You are such a twat.
- Oi. What can I get you to drink?
- [SASSY CHUCKLES] Uh, champagne, please.
Champagne? Can we get another champagne?
Is Ted here?
Told you.
You want a beer, Coach?
Michelle and Henry went horseback
riding with Dr. Jacob today.
We'll take two shots of whiskey.
[STAMMERS] A single and a double.
A triple. [STAMMERS] Two.
- Weinstein's cock!
- [SCREAMS]
Are you cheating on me?
Yeah, I am.
- With you.
- [BREATHES HEAVILY]
[BOTH MOANING]
Man, y'all's baggage just
matches right up, don't it?
See you in a bit.
What the fuck do you want?
[CLEARS THROAT]
You frowning while we're on a
win streak, that's a bad look.
You frowned your whole career.
No, I never smiled. That's different.
- [GUESTS IN RESTAURANT CHEERING]
- [GUEST] Whoa! Here we go.
- Huh? Good game. Good game. [CHUCKLES]
- [PLAYER] Yes.
For fuck's sake.
There he is, God's gift to
those who have everything.
Best player on the team.
Fuck off.
It's true.
You used to be the best.
Now you're not. It happens.
You thought I was the best?
Yeah. I mean, you still could be
if you weren't such a pre-Madonna.
- Did you just call me a pre-Madonna?
- Yeah.
It's prima donna.
Who the fuck says "pre-Madonna"?
What the fuck does that even mean?
It means before Madonna,
female vocalists didn't
have to work that hard.
Are you mad?
You never heard of Tina
Turner? Fucking Stevie Nicks?
Fuck you. Point is, he's
the best player on the team.
And right now, all you gotta
do is try and keep up with him.
Fuck that. I don't wanna
just keep up with him.
I wanna be better than him.
[BOTH SIGH]
I could train you.
But only if you fucking mean it.
Yeah. I do mean it.
When do we start then?
Right fucking now.
Come on, man.
- So sorry. We'll take care of it.
- [SUCKING TEETH]
We start tomorrow. 4:00 a.m.
Clean that up.
[GASPS] All right.
I'm gonna do a lap.
If Ted's already gone,
I'm telling you right now, I will
be attempting to scale Mount Zava.
- Ooh.
- Adieu. [CHUCKLES]
- Adieu. Good luck. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
[REBECCA LAUGHS]
[SHANDY] Hi. Hello. Hi.
Hi. Hello.
I'm Shandy. I do PR for the club.
It's so great you've come
down here, but don't be a dick.
Show some love on your socials, yeah?
I like your confident
energy. It's off-putting.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
That's really nice.
So how's it going with
Shandy? Is she fitting in?
Yes, she's great. I
love how not shy she is.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[SAM] Wish me luck.
Okay. See you later.
Oi. There are better things
ahead than any we leave behind.
Oh.
Excuse me. One moment.
Hey, hey. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you so much for coming.
Honestly, it means so much to me.
Sam, tell me, where does your
restaurant source its avocados from?
Ah, uh, West African cuisine
doesn't typically
feature a lot of avocados.
Hmm. Not yet.
- [SASSY] Marlboro Man.
- Hey. Look who it is.
- [SASSY CHUCKLES]
- I didn't know you work here.
- Well, how you going?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, I'm doing all right. Yeah.
- Yeah?
Well, my ex-wife's dating
our ex-marriage counselor,
so, you know, that's new.
Wow, that's borderline unethical.
Yeah, well, I mean, it all started
a year and a half after
we were seeing him,
so I guess that's You
ever have anything like that
happen with you and a client?
Ted, I'm a child psychologist.
Right, right. [CHUCKLES]
So, yes. Twice.
Hey, whoa. Classic Sassy. I love it.
- Classic Sass. [CHUCKLES]
- [TED] Classic Sassy.
I got you a surprise.
[CHUCKLES]
What's this?
Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Don't just stand there. Pass them out.
- [CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
Hey.
- What?
- You're being really clingy right now.
I am so sorry.
Oh, hey.
Ladies [CHUCKLES] a little
something to commemorate the evening
and to remind you to come
back again and again, right?
- [REBECCA] Mmm.
- [KEELEY] Thank you.
[CHUCKLES] No worries.
- So chic.
- Mm-hmm.
Green.
It's a green matchbook.
You okay?
- Yes. Another round?
- All right. Yeah. Okay.
- Get another round.
- Can we get another round, please?
- Oh. Oh. Thank you, Sam.
- No worries.
- This place is wonderful.
- Oh.
- Food's fantastic.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Okay, listen, get home safe, okay?
- Okay.
["EVERYBODY KNOWS" PLAYING]