The Batman (2004) s03e03 Episode Script
A Dark Knight to Remember
Ever since Batbreath got that signal, my lead-time's been chopped in half.
Hurry, ladies, hurry.
That's it, put your backs into it.
Careful, that penguin's pure crystal.
What's that? Oh, no.
The statue, Penguin.
Give it up.
Actually, it would be more fun if he makes us take it from him.
Don't look so surprised.
You knew I'd be back.
I heard you got some backup, Batman.
But no one told me it was your baby sister.
Chop 'em into chum.
When do I get one? Watch them.
You get to do all the fun stuff.
All right, keep the statue.
Batman.
Yes, he's all right.
It's just you and me, girls.
Huh? Master Bruce.
Alfred? Ah, you know my name.
Then it would seem that nasty bump has caused no memory loss.
What happened? Virtually no memory loss.
I'm afraid that your latest nocturnal escapade went somewhat awry, Master Bruce.
But some bed rest shall do you good.
No, no can do, Alfred.
It'll be dark soon, and, well, you know me.
I can't wait to tackle the night.
Ah, yes, yes.
The night which belongs to the Batman.
The Batman? The night belongs to Bruce Wayne.
I'd know that look of yours anywhere, Pop.
You're about to raise the roof on this place.
So commissioner, this must be your lovely daughter.
Brucey, where have you been hiding? Heh.
Gotta run.
Bruce Wayne, he's the man.
I'll get us some punch, Barb.
Bruce Wayne is the man.
Muscles on his muscles.
Rich enough to finance all his gadgets.
And has a jaw I'd know anywhere.
Brucey.
You are so totally the Batman.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Gotham Music Awards.
The next band soared to success with six gold records.
Give it up for Ozzy and the Cobblepots? Oh, yeah Penguin.
All right, Bruce.
Showtime.
You know, I prefer a captive audience.
Cash, gold, jewelry.
Your money's all good here.
I hope the Batman shows.
So do I.
Don't tell me you're gonna change under here? Let's not play hero, commissioner.
I'll leave that to the Batman.
Bat-guano won't be showing up tonight, or ever again.
Yeah, right.
What? That's right, Gordy.
I personally took care of him.
Hello.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't my old pal, Bruce Wayne.
Forget that junk.
We've got Wayne, the human piggy bank.
Okay, so maybe he's not the Batman.
Sorry, hon, duty calls.
As soon as those doors open, what're you gonna do? Go home, lock up, and wait 'til I hear from you.
Good girl.
Penguin's ride had to leave a heat trail.
And with a few items from Barbara Gordon's photography class voilà .
Dah!.
Don't you just love Gotham Zoo at night? No crowds.
Okay, w-w-whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Name your price, Penguin.
I'll cut you a check.
One with lots and lots of zeroes.
Oh, that's very reasonable of you, Wayne.
How do I know this is good? I'll need to see some I.
D.
Maybe Wayne didn't have his costume handy but he's gotta bust out with some butt-kick now.
So, you'll let me go? Uh, yeah, about that I lied.
Eh? The Batbrat.
Oh, ladies? Hurry, Mr.
Wayne get yourself to safety.
I thought he was the Batman? Wayne's no loss, not when I have the chance to exterminate this town's bat population once and for all.
You just left behind the kid who saved you.
Bruce, you're a coward.
Gotham police.
It's been two hours.
Shut it off.
Sir, I am a bit perplexed as to why you did not summon your other car.
And why did you not trounce that troll when he crashed the event in the first place? Because he's a homicidal troll, Alfred.
And how, I ask, is that different from the garbage the Batman faces every night? Well, unfortunately, the Batman wasn't at the party so I couldn't ask him.
I mean, what was I supposed to do? Take Penguin out with my golf swing? Oh, dear.
Your accident.
We must return to the mansion at once.
They say that seeing is believing, Master Bruce.
The Batcave.
How did all this get down here? You built it, sir.
Heh.
Well, th-that's ridiculous.
I'm wealthy.
I run a successful company.
I Why would I want to go out at night dressed like a bat? Because you have a need to save people.
No, no, not me.
I'm not a hero.
I don't have that kind of courage.
Your courage seems to have gone missing with your memory of the bat.
This just in.
Penguin here, with a warning to any future bats-in-training.
I started the week by getting rid of the Batman.
And now I'm finishing it by doing the same to the Batgirl.
So tune in at the stroke of midnight for the final chapter of the Beak beats the Bats.
Master Bruce, it's the clock at the Salty Bird Sardine Company.
Sir, I do not know how else to put this.
The Batgirl is counting on you.
Perhaps it is time to regain your courage.
Perhaps it is time to channel your inner bat.
Nope.
Sorry.
I'm not feeling it.
Sir.
Jolly good reflexes.
Alfred, h-how did I? Apparently, your inner bat is just aching to fly out.
Hopefully this will be like riding a bicycle.
Observe, my dear.
An ostrich egg.
Hard as bone.
Heh-heh-heh.
Tie her up, ladies.
Inner bat, do your thing.
Batman? You're supposed to be pushing up clams.
Well, if he's here to save Batgirl, it's too late.
I'm guessing those weren't the smoke pellets.
Hurry, Batman, you're about to have three sidekicks.
Yeah, what kind of hero are you, anyway? You're a coward.
Regain your courage.
What kind of hero are you, anyway? Like riding a bicycle.
So that's what took you so long? You rode your bike? Oh, no.
Get this cuckoo to Arkham where he belongs.
At least you didn't turn out to be Bruce Wayne.
Dude needs to invest in a serious spine.
I try not to judge.
Just tell me that one day I'll get to meet the man behind the bat.
Who says I'm a man?
Hurry, ladies, hurry.
That's it, put your backs into it.
Careful, that penguin's pure crystal.
What's that? Oh, no.
The statue, Penguin.
Give it up.
Actually, it would be more fun if he makes us take it from him.
Don't look so surprised.
You knew I'd be back.
I heard you got some backup, Batman.
But no one told me it was your baby sister.
Chop 'em into chum.
When do I get one? Watch them.
You get to do all the fun stuff.
All right, keep the statue.
Batman.
Yes, he's all right.
It's just you and me, girls.
Huh? Master Bruce.
Alfred? Ah, you know my name.
Then it would seem that nasty bump has caused no memory loss.
What happened? Virtually no memory loss.
I'm afraid that your latest nocturnal escapade went somewhat awry, Master Bruce.
But some bed rest shall do you good.
No, no can do, Alfred.
It'll be dark soon, and, well, you know me.
I can't wait to tackle the night.
Ah, yes, yes.
The night which belongs to the Batman.
The Batman? The night belongs to Bruce Wayne.
I'd know that look of yours anywhere, Pop.
You're about to raise the roof on this place.
So commissioner, this must be your lovely daughter.
Brucey, where have you been hiding? Heh.
Gotta run.
Bruce Wayne, he's the man.
I'll get us some punch, Barb.
Bruce Wayne is the man.
Muscles on his muscles.
Rich enough to finance all his gadgets.
And has a jaw I'd know anywhere.
Brucey.
You are so totally the Batman.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Gotham Music Awards.
The next band soared to success with six gold records.
Give it up for Ozzy and the Cobblepots? Oh, yeah Penguin.
All right, Bruce.
Showtime.
You know, I prefer a captive audience.
Cash, gold, jewelry.
Your money's all good here.
I hope the Batman shows.
So do I.
Don't tell me you're gonna change under here? Let's not play hero, commissioner.
I'll leave that to the Batman.
Bat-guano won't be showing up tonight, or ever again.
Yeah, right.
What? That's right, Gordy.
I personally took care of him.
Hello.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't my old pal, Bruce Wayne.
Forget that junk.
We've got Wayne, the human piggy bank.
Okay, so maybe he's not the Batman.
Sorry, hon, duty calls.
As soon as those doors open, what're you gonna do? Go home, lock up, and wait 'til I hear from you.
Good girl.
Penguin's ride had to leave a heat trail.
And with a few items from Barbara Gordon's photography class voilà .
Dah!.
Don't you just love Gotham Zoo at night? No crowds.
Okay, w-w-whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Name your price, Penguin.
I'll cut you a check.
One with lots and lots of zeroes.
Oh, that's very reasonable of you, Wayne.
How do I know this is good? I'll need to see some I.
D.
Maybe Wayne didn't have his costume handy but he's gotta bust out with some butt-kick now.
So, you'll let me go? Uh, yeah, about that I lied.
Eh? The Batbrat.
Oh, ladies? Hurry, Mr.
Wayne get yourself to safety.
I thought he was the Batman? Wayne's no loss, not when I have the chance to exterminate this town's bat population once and for all.
You just left behind the kid who saved you.
Bruce, you're a coward.
Gotham police.
It's been two hours.
Shut it off.
Sir, I am a bit perplexed as to why you did not summon your other car.
And why did you not trounce that troll when he crashed the event in the first place? Because he's a homicidal troll, Alfred.
And how, I ask, is that different from the garbage the Batman faces every night? Well, unfortunately, the Batman wasn't at the party so I couldn't ask him.
I mean, what was I supposed to do? Take Penguin out with my golf swing? Oh, dear.
Your accident.
We must return to the mansion at once.
They say that seeing is believing, Master Bruce.
The Batcave.
How did all this get down here? You built it, sir.
Heh.
Well, th-that's ridiculous.
I'm wealthy.
I run a successful company.
I Why would I want to go out at night dressed like a bat? Because you have a need to save people.
No, no, not me.
I'm not a hero.
I don't have that kind of courage.
Your courage seems to have gone missing with your memory of the bat.
This just in.
Penguin here, with a warning to any future bats-in-training.
I started the week by getting rid of the Batman.
And now I'm finishing it by doing the same to the Batgirl.
So tune in at the stroke of midnight for the final chapter of the Beak beats the Bats.
Master Bruce, it's the clock at the Salty Bird Sardine Company.
Sir, I do not know how else to put this.
The Batgirl is counting on you.
Perhaps it is time to regain your courage.
Perhaps it is time to channel your inner bat.
Nope.
Sorry.
I'm not feeling it.
Sir.
Jolly good reflexes.
Alfred, h-how did I? Apparently, your inner bat is just aching to fly out.
Hopefully this will be like riding a bicycle.
Observe, my dear.
An ostrich egg.
Hard as bone.
Heh-heh-heh.
Tie her up, ladies.
Inner bat, do your thing.
Batman? You're supposed to be pushing up clams.
Well, if he's here to save Batgirl, it's too late.
I'm guessing those weren't the smoke pellets.
Hurry, Batman, you're about to have three sidekicks.
Yeah, what kind of hero are you, anyway? You're a coward.
Regain your courage.
What kind of hero are you, anyway? Like riding a bicycle.
So that's what took you so long? You rode your bike? Oh, no.
Get this cuckoo to Arkham where he belongs.
At least you didn't turn out to be Bruce Wayne.
Dude needs to invest in a serious spine.
I try not to judge.
Just tell me that one day I'll get to meet the man behind the bat.
Who says I'm a man?