The Cleveland Show s03e03 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Happy Halloween.
I'm Gus, filling in for Vincent Price because he's dead.
See? Here in Stoolbend, everyone's busy with my annual Broken Stool Pumpkin Carving Contest, sponsored by Harrison Gourds.
Harrison Gourds-- good lord, that's a good gourd.
Here you go, Cleveland.
One turkey sandwich.
Thanks, Gus.
After eating all day, I could use some food.
I just want to pumpkin you up.
Oh, great to see our old pal Donny.
Say, George Washington Pumpkin Carver, any chance you guys need one more for your team? No.
Okeydokey karaoke.
Guess I'll catch up with you guys later.
Or maybe I'll mustard with you.
Hello? Is this thing Dijon? That guy sucks.
He's almost enough to make me stop coming here.
Although I would miss Gus's hairy turkey sandwiches.
Ew! Tomato.
Check it out, Rallo.
I'm the world's best known water-displacing, corrosion-preventing lubricant.
More like WD-240.
Man, kids don't know how to have fun anymore.
Oh, don't we? Well, I happen to be sleeping over at my boy Walt's tonight.
Oh, yeah, your first sleepover.
Oh, man, we are gonna get into some stuff tonight.
Eat some junk food, watch a couple movies, stay up till, like, So Walt really said "no big brothers"? Yes.
So he specifically You're not invited.
Which is too bad 'cause I gotta feeling That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night Feeling Blah, blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out and just lose it all I feel stressed out, I want to let it go Let's go way out, spaced out and losing all control I gotta feeling Blah, blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night Feeling Woo-hoo.
But again, you're not invited.
So, you and Federline are on a break? Yeah, he's doing SAT prep.
Like I'm gonna put my life on hold two Saturday afternoons a month.
Dang! Who's he? That's the new kid, Edwin Mullins.
He's gorgeous, but apparently none of the girls at Stoolbend High is good enough for him.
Like I care.
Wait, do you think Edwin could be a vampire? Total vampire.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
How do my veins look? Sexy.
Hi, I'm Roberta Tubbs.
I know what you are, and it doesn't scare me.
Oh, sweetie, you have no idea.
He is so into me.
Gordon, get back here, you bitch.
A Walking Dead night-light? A young man is supposed to take comfort in a night-light.
Okay, no need to be scared.
I'm just in unfamiliar surroundings, under the care of strangers.
Aw, hell no! Walt's house? Shavonne, you have got to stop calling.
Our boys are friends, and I'm a happily married Oh, hi, Rallo.
Yep, your mom will be right there.
Donna.
Donna.
Donna.
Donna.
Donna.
Donna.
Donna.
What? Donna! Rallo got scared; he needs you to go pick him up.
Aren't you already dressed? No.
So, I'll just grab you your slippers and keys? Cleveland, go get Rallo.
Ah, I'm going, I'm going.
Cleveland! Already in the car! Bye! So, what's going on, man? How you been? Unh-unh! Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh! No, sir! Too scared to sleep at a friend's house, huh? I guess the tough guy isn't as tough as he thinks.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh-oh, who's opening your window?! Ooh, I hope it's not a ghost! Wait, what are you doing? Hey, sketchy hitchhiker, guess what a baby my stepson is.
He couldn't even sleep over at a friend's house! Really? Swear to God.
Had to call me to pick him up.
What a wuss, right? Hey, I bet he's ticklish, too.
Is he ticklish? Why don't you see, sketchy hitchhiker? Hey, cut it out! Come on, now.
This guy's gross.
His hands are all cut up.
Okay, that's enough.
I'm also ticklish.
Hey, tickle me now.
I said, why don't you throw some tickles my way? Hands on the wheel, armpits defenseless.
All right, then.
Get out! No damn tickles, no damn ride.
And now it's time to announce the winner of the Broken Stool's Day-Before-Halloween Pumpkin Carving Contest, or what some might call "premature ejack-o'-lantern.
" Thanks for the material, Donny, but I'm going off-prompter.
I must be in New York because I'm looking at the Statue of Ad-Lib-erty.
All right, here we go.
This year's winning team is the only guys here I recognize.
Cleveland, Tim, Lester, Holt and Terry for honoring America with their salute to the troops.
Hooray! We win! Noyce.
Yee-haw! Yee-haw! I just said that.
What, we're not allowed to double up? It's just not usually done.
Hey, fellas, why don't we go celebrate at my place? Yay! Hey, Donna, we're gonna go get wasted at Terry's and then have a slumber party.
Thanks! Okay, everyone except Donny, let's go! Damn it, can't get comfortable.
Blanket's so scratchy.
Why would you even buy a blanket this scratchy? Oh, wait.
Donna and I gave it to them as a wedding present.
I had got it free at a Ravens game.
What was that? Is someone climbing in the window? Oh, look at us just laying here, ripe for the mass murdering.
What the hell?! It's okay, those are just Terry and Paul's porcelain cherubs.
Look at their cute faces, so chubby and shiny and Holy! Unh-unh! I got magazines up here.
Boo! I made it till 2:00.
On Halloween's Eve? Unh-unh! Much scarier night tonight.
Last night.
Uh, Donna, you bring the clean underpants? Getting dark, Cleveland.
If you get scared, you can always bail early like you did at your sleepover.
Oh, and that's coming from Mr.
"I'm five, I need my mommy.
" For the last time, stop scrappin', Halloween's happenin'.
It's the one time a year I get to dress up as Michelle Obama and it doesn't look like the creepy obsession that it is.
Figures you'd have a wimpy costume.
What are you, the Bride of Frankenstein? No, man, I'm celebrity murderer Phil Spector.
I show up to court like this.
Ooh! And that's a lot tougher than a leprechaun.
Leprechaun?! I am the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, the most fearless of all collegiate mascots.
Trick or Trout! Go fish.
Wait, we don't want fish, we want candy.
Unless they're Swedish fish.
"Horgy borgy bork bork bork.
" Annoying much?! No candy for anyone! Daddy, your Robin Williams-esque friend is ruining Halloween.
Yeah, Brown.
Too scared to shut this chump up? Hardly.
Donny, get lost.
Take a hike.
See that? Fearless.
Oh, yeah? Watch what I'm not afraid to do! Wa-wa-wa-wah-wah- wah-wah-wah-wah! Rallo! Ha! You only made it halfway.
Watch this.
Wa-wa-wa-wah That's it! I had my tubes tied for a reason.
I don't want to be raising any more babies! But We're done.
No more trick-or-treating! I'll just buy candy.
Ow! Ow! Hey, Edwin, I know your vampire senses can pick up that I'm in danger.
Uh-oh, I'm falling off this cliff.
You better save me! Help, Edwin! I am drowning! Come save me, my belove Who are you? I'm Caleb.
And you are lucky I was out here taking a dip under the full moon, missy.
Full moon? Now I have to decide between a vampire and a werewolf! The movies say this is how to get a boyfriend! Why are we driving through this spooky neighborhood? We buying another foreclosure? Isn't this the old McCafferty place? As in, "I dare you to ride your bike up to the old McCafferty place"? Yes, because it's time to end your silly rivalry.
You're both going to prove you're brave by getting through the scariest night of the year in the scariest house in town.
Hop out, tough guys! Time to grow up.
See you in the morning if you survive! Yeah, then maybe we'll all get brunch! It, it's nice.
I don't know.
Seems a little Scooby-Doo to me.
inks! See, there's nothing to be afraid of.
You blew me off one too many times, Cleveland.
Who's hacky now? Still me.
Well, good death, Rallo.
I mean, good night.
See you in heaven.
I mean, in the morning.
Well, I won't be able to sleep till you go find out what that noise is.
Fine, I'll go.
But you get nothing for Christmas ever again.
You're bluffing.
Dang! You know how I cherish the smile on a child's face on Christmas morn.
Man, if I were watching this, I'd be yelling at myself to get the hell out of here.
Ah! Nice work, Miss Donna! A sound-effects CD and a rubber spider, and they're shaking like a couple of bitches.
Well, thank you for hooking up the Webcam! I hope you never abandon me in an emotionally scarring location to prove a point.
Well, just don't cross me, Junior.
Tonight's gonna be fun! Yes! Yes, it is.
When we return, Cleveland Jr.
dies, but Donna lives, and she and Cleveland begin the painful process of starting anew when The Cleveland Show Halloween ExtravaGHOULza continues! Wait, Rallo, I think I see a g-g-g-g- guest room! Let's go sleep in there.
Yeah, go in there! Walking Dead night-light! Here's Donny! Yah! I'm sorry.
Is Cleveland home? No.
Oh, what the hell.
I'll just kill you! Yah! Yah! Aw, who are we kidding? All right, on three, let's say exactly what want to do right now.
One, two, three! I want to get the hell out of here, go home, order a pizza, watch Yo Gabba Gabba and go to bed.
Me, too! Me, too! But we can't go home now.
You're right.
Your mom and Junior will tease the dickens out of us.
Can we say that? Oh, okay.
They'll tease the dickens out of us.
Ow, right in the dickens! You get a haircut? No, I got 'em all cut! Leave Miss Donna alone, crazy comedy man! You know, you can't really blame Tiger for wanting to spice things up a little.
Still, there could've been one black woman.
Look at us.
Stalling with semi-topical small talk because we're afraid to go home.
You're right.
Let's at least be brave about being cowards.
Hard-to-place ethnic, take us home! Hey, I yem fram Flatka.
I once drive Kate Hudson.
Pee-ew! It's so hard having a vampire and a werewolf in love with you, you know? Look at the two of them, eyeing each other across the room, mouthing "I want to fight you so hard.
" I can't take it anymore! Ew! Your boob totally mushed my elbow! Oh, good, she's back.
Look, we're just gonna have to settle this like I assume Eclipse.
I missed that part because I was in a screaming match with an old lady who told me to get off my phone.
Anyway, you two have to fight over me.
Winner takes Roberta.
But neither of us wants To lose me, I know! But this is how it has to be.
Oh, I can't stand to watch them fight.
Anna, tell me who's winning.
Uh, they're not fighting.
But the werewolf is on top.
Oh, my God, the werewolf and vampire are gay! News flash! You know, Roberta, for the record, most gay people are not monsters.
But most monsters are gay! Well, we couldn't make it through the night.
Oh, hey, Donna.
All right, let fly the jabs and japes.
Sorry to be such a drag! Hi, Daddy.
What the hell?! Time for my axe to make your body spray blood.
"Axe Body Spray"? I don't know what that is.
Something the kids are using! Yah! I hate black people! Figures.
So, your husband and five-year-old son just killed a guy.
Pretty brave, huh? I was right.
Tonight was a pretty good night.
I gotta feeling I know that we'll have a ball That tonight's gonna be a good night If we get down and go out and just loose it all That tonight's gonna be a good night I feel stressed out, I just want to let it go Let's go way out, spaced out and losing all control That tonight's gonna be a good night I feel stressed out, I want to let it go That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night Let's go way out, spaced out and losing all control Feeling, whoo-hoo.