The Detour (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

1 This USPIS broad how'd she find you? I don't know, really.
I think it was soon after we moved up to Alaska.
I think I saw her at a bar.
Ohh.
Trouble in paradise? - I was working.
- Drinking.
- Waitressing.
- Dancing.
- I was serving deep-fried fish.
- In a thong.
- Okay.
- Okay, all right.
Am I interested in hearing about how you shook your ass for money? Yes, but not in a legal sense.
What did you know about this chick? Not too much, but she knew a lot about us.
Kids, look who it is.
- Hey, Mayor.
- Good morning, Mayor.
- Morning, Fleischers.
- Morning, Mayor.
[Chuckles.]
How great is this town, huh? Look at this the vegetables 3 time the size 'cause of 10 times the sun.
Mmm! [Slow-motion groaning.]
[Gagging, coughing.]
Ugh! Why would you use dirt? - [Muffled voice.]
Water! - Oh, that's a good idea.
Give me water! Fast! [Gargling.]
[Gasps.]
All right! - [Coughing.]
- Mr.
Mayor! Mr.
Mayor! - Give me that! - Don't yell at him! Why are you yelling at him? What do you mean, "Don't yell at him"? I asked for water! [Indistinct arguing.]
I need to find my way into this family.
In past investigations, I have sought out the stupidest member of the organization to infiltrate and extract intel.
In this way, the Parkers pose a unique problem they are all so uniquely stupid.
[Grunting.]
How do you like it, huh?! God! Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
[Tires screech.]
[Rock music playing.]
Edie: Robin Randall, the matriarch of the family, is drunk, as usual.
- I call, "Switch, witch!" - Whoo! Switch, witch! It's called a Chinese fire drill.
You do it in traffic so it has stakes.
- This is just stupid.
- Switch, witch! - Jesus Christ, act your age.
- Yeah! This woman's had more 39th birthdays than a mid-range tapas bar.
[Rock music playing.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
Yeah! Yeah! You want me to call your mom?! Hi! No! No pictures! - [Camera shutter clicking.]
- Shame on you! - No pictures in here! - [Camera shutter clicks.]
- Ugh.
Ugh.
- [Heaving.]
Oh, don't you dare.
No, no, no! Oh, God.
- No! - [Camera shutter clicks.]
- Take that, mailbox! - That's the mail.
I just [Camera shutter clicking.]
Woman: Now it'll get there on time! - Mm! - Mm! - Babe.
- Mm-hmm? - You're home early.
- Mm-hmm.
That's good to see.
What are you wearing? - Hmm? - What is that? Mnh.
Is that a toaster with tits on it? - Mm-hmm.
- Let me guess.
[Ditzy voice.]
It's super gender playful 'cause tits are, like, a social construct anyway.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
You drunk again? - Hmm? Mnh.
- "Mnh.
" So, not shit-faced, but somewhere in between.
Okay.
Hey, oh, oh, oh, guess what.
Narvin gave me a special bottle of pills, and guess what I can do now.
- Hmm? Mmm! - Right? - Mm-hmm.
- What do you say? - Want to take it for a spin? - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know what this stupid moaning thing you're doing is, but I kind of like it.
- Mnnnnh.
- Look at these.
- Jesus Christ, they're big.
- Mm-hmm.
I can get in there with you, I bet.
Check this out.
Oh, my God, look at that.
Oh, my God.
Hey, you know what? These are better then Fundies.
We could market these.
Trust me.
I used to work at Spencer's Gifts in college.
That's where I got bitten by the inventor bug.
These things would fly off the shelves.
Mnh Oh, yeah, I am literally in your pants.
Let's get some.
Ahh! Oh, my God, why would you do that?! [Muffled voice.]
I'm sorry.
It was in my mouth.
- I can see that! - It was just building up so fast.
- Then swallow that.
- Gross.
I don't swallow.
Why not? It's a natural fluid.
It's so salty.
And there's so much of it.
God.
Well, spitting it's insane, okay? Now I'm so messy! Spitting? That's for first dates and nuns.
What's this chick's problem? How hard did you bite your tongue? - Ugh.
- [Spits.]
[Lisping.]
I didn't.
I pierced it.
You what? Why would you do that? Peer pressure mostly.
Um, they said I was a lame-o.
Well, you are a lame-o, okay? But that's why I like you.
But they do say that it makes blowjobs better.
Blowjobs are already pretty good.
But if they can get better - Mm.
- Mm.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- What? I didn't go through with it.
I got scared and I pulled away and the thing was still on there and it tore.
Okay.
So you've got a giant hole in your tongue [lisping.]
giving you a massive speech impediment.
Mm-hmm.
- And blowjobs are staying the same.
- Mm-hmm.
- So much blood.
- I know, but we can put a towel down.
Why would you put a towel down, you Neanderthal? - Come here.
- All right, all right.
- It's been awhile.
- Okay.
- [Groans.]
Wait.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- See? That's what - It hurts so bad.
- Just Okay, just shh.
- I'll just take this off.
- No kissing.
Great.
- No kissing.
- Yeah.
Just this.
That's it.
That's it.
- Oh, God! - What? Oh, yeah, I did that, too.
Why would you do that? I didn't really go through with it.
Oh, so you've got two more giant holes.
Yeah.
One, two, three.
Listen, I'm super happy you've made new friends.
I'm not sure about their influence on you.
But you've been 39 for way too many years to be acting like this, okay? I'm gonna go take a shower, okay? What are you gonna do about that guy? That's been taken care of by this.
God.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You're a shit show.
Go to sleep.
Okay.
Oh, my God, now they hurt so bad.
- Yeah.
- Why do they hurt so bad? I will not make contact with Robin Randall mostly because I cannot imagine spending any time with this pathetic woman.
Ugh.
- 'Cause they're the boobs.
- Ugh.
Stop talking about your tits.
Jared Parker, a.
k.
a.
Jareb Parker, a.
k.
a.
Jareb Parkour.
He's the walking, talking epitome of idiotic burgeoning male privilege.
Against all odds, good things just keep happening to this kid.
[Soft instrumental music playing.]
We were a traditional town, traditional values.
We had the same mayor for 15 years.
[Laughing.]
Llama?! He was not a llama.
He was an alpaca.
[Chuckling.]
Narrator: This is the story of American politics like you've never heard.
[Birds chirping.]
[Mid-tempo piano music playing.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
Big Dong June was an 18-year-old sandy-brown alpaca and mayor of this tiny Alaskan town on the Kenai Peninsula.
During his 15 terms, he increased tourism, by some estimates, up to 4%.
He was so good for this town.
His smile kids loved it.
Really straight teeth, good gums.
He was my best friend.
Narrator: Tragically, Big Dong June's life was cut short by a giant tomato infested with longhorn crazy ants.
Order.
Order.
Hello.
Thank you all for coming today.
As you all know, our beloved mayor, Big Dong June, has passed away.
Yes.
But we are all here today to come up with new ideas for the who the chosen mayor shall be.
Sasha: We cannot have a hereditary dynasty.
We need a real mayor, a two-footed mayor.
Council rebuttal, please.
I would really like to see a Jewish mayor.
[Laughter.]
Straight Jack: Oh, please, let's be realistic.
We need someone who can bring in at least 65 tourists a year to this town, and that's an alpaca.
I think Nigel would make a great mayor.
Let me tell you something.
Shamu's been dead for 50 years, but people still go to SeaWorld to see Shamu.
You know why? Because they didn't replace a majestic orca with a goddamn box turtle! Struck! Next.
Narrator: Some people think democracy's broken.
Our generation is here to take democracy back for the people.
And to do that is to vote.
There's no way we're gonna let our town turn into Man: Holy shit! Hey! That boy just did a backwards flip off here! - A backflip.
- Yeah.
He hopped right up here and did a backwards flip right off there.
That was flippin' amazing.
Did y'all see that? He does it all the time.
You would not believe it.
This young boy jumps up on this 12-foot lectern like one of them African gazelles.
Then he goes and does the most graceful triple-double backwards flip I've ever seen.
It was downright biblical.
When people saw that backflip, the political landscape of this town was changed forever.
All those in favor? - Yea! - Yes! - All opposed? - Nay.
[Gavel bangs.]
The motion has been passed.
The mayor shall be a mammal.
[Spectators clamoring.]
I mean, that furry horse basically did nothing and I mean nothing.
It's a ceremonial position.
The mayor does nothing.
I do nothing all the time.
I mean, it's pretty much my favorite thing to do.
Sometimes I want to invite someone to do nothing with me, but then I realized that's something, so I don't do it.
[Distorted voice.]
So, where I'm looking down here? Here? Which? Which Here? At you.
Okay.
I didn't love the idea of our son becoming a tourist attraction.
You know, he's the kind of You can obscure both of us, right? You You have that ability? [Normal voice.]
Great.
Great.
[Distorted voice.]
Yeah, we, um We're We're private people, you know? We don't like the attention.
[Distorted voice.]
And she is not suggesting that we're criminals by any stretch of the imagination.
[Normal voice.]
No, it's [Distorted voice.]
We're not on the run or anything.
[Normal voice.]
Why [distorted voice.]
would you even bring that up? [Normal voice.]
It's [distorted voice.]
working.
What's working? [Normal voice.]
The The Right? You can cut [distorted voice.]
this out, right? This is Just All in favor for Big Dong Ill.
- Aye! - Aye! All in favor for Jareb Parker, the boy who flips? - Aye! - Aye! All in favor for Nigel the box turtle? Narrator: After a hard-fought run, the results were in.
It's a tie.
[Distorted voice.]
We really should have voted.
[Distorted voice.]
No, don't tell them we didn't vote.
[Normal voice.]
They're [distorted voice.]
obscuring our identity.
He's not gonna know his parents didn't vote for him.
[Normal voice.]
Who do you think [distorted voice.]
he thinks we are? [Normal voice.]
Well, with the [distorted voice.]
voice modulation and the pixilation, we could be any random townsperson.
[Distorted voice.]
No, we make we make specific references to the fact that he's our child.
[Distorted voice.]
Who is our child? See? Just like that.
The town must deliberate on how we shall break this tie.
The floor is now open.
Sheriff? Coin flip.
Too complicated.
Staring contest.
That's Wasilla's thing.
Thumb wars.
It's the only way.
Alpacas don't have thumbs.
What the [bleep.]
did you say? Say it again.
- Say it again! - Ma'am, excuse me.
Can you Who are you?! - [Bleep.]
you.
- Oh, no [bleep.]
you! Excuse me! [Bleep.]
you! Order! Hey, hey, hey, hey Narrator: Unable to reach a consensus on a contest to break the tie, a referendum was called.
All in favor of back flippin'.
I voted for oat eating.
I mean, alpacas can't do backflips.
I mean, it wouldn't be fair.
And I like oats.
They're like my fifth favorite snack.
It looks like oat eating is our winner.
[Dramatic music playing.]
This is so embarrassing.
Welcome to our democracy.
Alaska-style.
Hey, this is our interview.
Our interview.
- Woman: Faster! - [Indistinct shouting.]
- Good luck, Dong! - Let's go! That alpaca's kicking your ass, son.
[Laughs.]
If I had any money, it'd be on that flippin' boy.
[Shouting continues.]
Narrator: The alpaca was handed a decisive victory, but in an ironic twist, Big Dong Ill would suffer the same fate as his father eating something that killed him.
So, we decided to put the partisan bickering aside for the good of the town and let the boy govern.
I got some pretty big plans for this town.
Now watch this backflip.
Mayor Jareb Parker, a kid who would tell me everything if only he knew anything.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
[Car door closes.]
The girl Delilah I feel like she's up to something, but I have neither the interest nor resources to follow the drama surrounding a 14-year-old girl.
That leaves us with Nate Parker.
I probably didn't need to make a list of four people, but I'm very visual.
Why the hell is milk $10 a gallon? Can't you use your powers to do something about that? What do you want me to do about it? I mean, I'm just a flipping mayor.
Okay, well, the mayor's gonna have to eat his cereal with water 'cause I'm not buying milk for this price.
- Okay.
- Morning, Mayor.
Hi.
[Chuckles nervously.]
We study poli sci at the college, and we had some thoughts about your administration.
Sasha: You could be so much more than backflips.
Like what? Front flips or s-something? - Can we grab - We got to get this.
- Are you sure? That has - Super "D.
" What are you doing here? Dad, this is a friend of mine.
Hey.
I'm Mason.
Hey, Mason.
How are you? Are we doing this? Yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right, sure, man.
[Grunts.]
Good.
A handshake, too.
Okay.
- Doodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle.
- That's long enough.
Pssch! Unh! Nice to meet you, fam! What up? Not much at all.
Yo, I'm looking at this little fool, and he be like, "Er, I'm not so sure about this little brown boy.
" I never said that.
[Chuckles.]
You seem like a nice, stand-up kid.
He is.
That's exactly what he is.
I know.
That's why I said it.
Yo, you don't got to worry about me none.
I don't drink.
I don't do drugs.
I'm saving myself for marriage.
Somehow that makes me trust you less.
[Laughs hysterically.]
Oh, man.
Hey, speaking of a stand-up guy, I got a one-man comedy flow I'm gonna do.
You should pop by and check out my game.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, sure.
I like games.
You better, or you're a racist.
[Laughs.]
Oh, God! J-play.
J.
K.
J-play all day.
D, let's bounce.
Holy shit.
What the hell was that? That's the guy you like? Mm-hmm, but mostly I'm just using him for his car.
I'll let you use our car.
[Objects clatter.]
Stop flipping! - Hey.
- Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss it? No, you didn't.
Apparently it's dope to start an hour late.
- Is that him? - That is him.
- Yeah! - Oh.
Oh! That's That's fancy.
Did you sign off on this guy? Yeah.
I had no choice.
She likes him.
He's harmless.
How many 16-year-olds have enough material for a one-man show? What is he gonna talk about besides video games and jerking off? Our son is the mayor.
Kids are capable of things.
That was an accident.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Show some love! - Make some noise! - [Applause.]
Give it up for "Massan"! I thought you said his name was Mason.
That's how he introduced himself to me.
- Shh.
- Yeah! What up? All right, everybody, listen up.
Listen up.
I met the girl of my dreams.
[Audience awws.]
It was like when Kanye met Kim, when Jay met Bey, when Luke met Leia before they knew.
[Laughter.]
[Chuckles.]
It's a half-joke.
Shh! It's very funny.
- Is it? - It's funny because it's important, and it's important because it's diverse.
Then why aren't you laughing? So, check this.
Friday night, date night.
[Laughs loudly.]
So important.
Nobody's buying that.
So, I jump on my bike, and I ride over.
And I'm ridin' solo not Han.
I'm talking Derulo.
Does he have a recumbent bike? No.
He's got a Miata.
I've got a bike.
And I meet her dad.
And he gives me that look - [Audience groaning.]
- that look all immigrant kids get when all they're searching for is a simple handshake and hello.
That's exactly what I did.
I shook his hand and said hello.
And this guy, Mr.
NPR, Mr.
Kale Salad I hate kale.
But you love NPR.
I do.
You know what he says to me? "Nice to meet you, Tora Bora.
" [Audience groaning.]
- Yes! - Oh, come on.
- Well, that's bad.
- Are you kidding me?! In this day and age?! Nice to meet you, Restrepo Islamabad United 93 9/11! [Audience groaning.]
I never said that.
Who would say that? Nobody, because it's not a sentence.
- So insulting.
- But I'm not stoop to his level because when he goes low, I go fly.
- [Laughter.]
- That's right.
So, I said, "I really care for your daughter, sir.
" She's the bomb.
" And, no lie, this guy be like, "He's got a bomb!" Oh, so now you're racist and you don't get '80s slang.
[Applause.]
I guess I didn't get the E.
O.
on waterboarding 'cause I [voice breaking.]
I was choking on my own tears.
[Audience murmuring.]
Now, out of respect and fairness for my sanity, brothers and sisters, I've left this part of the show - for your apology.
- [Audience murmuring.]
Oh, he's not gonna apologize.
If he said all those awful things, he should.
Delilah, please get out here.
Are you gonna let this douchebag disparage your father like this? Woman: You're the douchebag! [Audience murmuring.]
Shut up! You all know this kid is lying.
Delilah, speak.
Delilah, now! Okay, okay, I guess I should say something.
I, um I think I should just maybe formally apologize to you, Mason Massan, if I offended you in any way.
- Wow.
- [Applause.]
- What are you doing? - I am choosing to support our daughter.
- She likes him.
What am I gonna do? - Well, she shouldn't.
I know she shouldn't, but she does, okay, and I don't want to push her away.
Ha.
No, no, no.
That's not enough.
Is it, folks? Audience: No! No, because he called you "Tora Bora.
" [Audience murmuring.]
I didn't, but okay.
All right.
[Inhales sharply.]
You're right, you know? We We, uh We can do better.
I can do better.
We can all do better, right? And, uh, Mason Massan, next time you drive over to my house on your bicycle, I will definitely not refer to you as a remote mountainous region in Afghanistan.
- Oh, my God, you - Shh.
Look at that.
- Boom goes the dynamite! - [Hip-hop music plays.]
And there's my mark, you lonely, dopey fool.
Your love for your family will be your downfall.
What are you, a snowflake? You're a sweet little snowflake? You keep your mouth shut now? Just a joke! Just confetti! on the mic, make it sound Oh, my, the game is tied 5-5, 10 seconds left on the clock, and The Great One has the puck.
Look out! 3 seconds left! Shoot! 2 seconds left! Shoot it in! One second left! Shoot! Here we go! Half-second left! Quarter-second! [Indistinct.]
Oh, my! Clear the track! Here comes Kumaglak! [Exhales heavily.]
Looking good, Coach.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Do I know you? Oh, hey.
Did you guys just move in next door? I think I just have one of those faces.
Mm, no, I think I know you.
The bar the other night.
You were looking for me.
I was.
I heard that you needed some help, uh, coaching.
- You heard that.
- Yeah, I heard it.
What makes you think that I need help coaching? I mean, I could probably use a little help.
Can you open a bench door? Mm, I think so.
- Okay.
You're hired.
- [Chuckles.]
Just make sure you wear pants, okay? - Pants.
Got it.
- It's cold in here.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Whistle blows.]
Let's go.
She shoots.
She scores.
Whoa! Ugh! [Groans.]
You can skate, right? Oh.
With skates on? Yeah.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Okay, great.
Okay.
Get off the ice.
- [Whistle blows.]
- Okay.
Yep.
I can see your underwear.
It's blue.
- [Whistle blows.]
- Let's get some! Come on!