The Exes (2011) s03e03 Episode Script

So you don't think I did the wrong thing - by breaking up with Paul? - No.
And you don't think I gave up on love too soon? - No.
- Are you just placating me because you're in a hurry to catch your plane? Abso-freakin'-lutely.
Come on, I'm gonna be late to my great aunt's funeral.
Not that it lessens the grief, but I heard she left me some goodies.
All right, all right.
Go get your funeral swag.
Thanks.
I swear, if they bury her with that giant Ruby she promised me, I'm diving in after it.
Hi, guys.
Can I ask you something? Yes, you did the right thing breaking up with Paul.
No, you didn't give up on love too soon.
And yes, if I hear one more word about this, we're going to take a little trip upstate, and only one of us is coming back.
Come on, you guys.
I'm a woman, I need to vent.
It's what we do.
I mean, after a breakup, we dissect every single moment of the relationship until the sound of our own voices makes us want to scream.
Any chance we're there yet? Holly, you don't get it.
We're guys, we're not listeners.
Our ears were built to hear sports scores and beer ads and our names called out during sex.
That happened to me once.
I had my elbow on her hair.
All right, you guys, look, with eden gone, I really need someone to talk to.
I need one of you to be my woman.
- Oh, not it.
- Not it.
Not it hey.
Looks like we have a volunteer.
Wow, is it crowded in here.
Would you mind if I borrowed this chair? Not at all, or perhaps you'd care to join us? Are you sure I wouldn't be interrupting your conversation? Oh, you are, and bless you.
What he's trying to say is that I just broke up with my boyfriend and he's sick of hearing me yak about it.
Well, of course we have to yak about it.
We need to vent.
It's our process.
- Ah.
- Thank you.
I've only known her she's already a better woman than you are.
Yeah, well, I mean, I broke up with my boyfriend six months ago, and I'm still not done talking about it.
- Ah.
- Well, you know, the best way to get over a guy is to jump right into a new relationship.
Haskell Lutz, jumpable.
Julia sommes, and for some reason, intrigued.
Ah hi hi, jul hi.
Hi, Julia.
- I'm Holly.
- Hi.
And I don't want to scare you or anything but you're my new best girlfriend.
Hoo hoo! Looks like I found the fun table.
Yeah! Hey, let me buy the next round for my two new friends.
- Okay.
- Scram.
- You scram.
- I need a woman.
- I need one worse! - Ah.
Hello.
All right, now, let's check out the talent pool, shall we? Jackpot, jackpot, jackpot! - Hang on, hang on.
- Hmm? How do you know that woman's for you? I just got word from a lower authority.
Your penis? That's who's making your decisions? I trust him with everything but stock tips.
Okay, so you don't care who she is, or what she's like, or about making any kind of emotional connection? Let me check.
No.
Hello.
I couldn't help but notice that you're reading something other than a tweet or a text and I, for one, say bravo.
Sorry, I hope that didn't sound like some slick pickup line.
Nope, not even remotely.
- You mind? - Oh, not at all, have a seat.
So you're reading Hemingway.
Wow, great choice.
You know, I'll never forget the first time I read the sun also Rises.
- Mmm, this is nice.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
This is nicer.
- Phil.
- Hmm? There's something you should know about me.
- Mm-hmm.
- I've had a pretty wild past.
- Me too.
- I guess I'm what you would call "a sexual adventuress.
" Me too.
But I knew I would never meet the right guy that way.
So two years ago I became A recommitted virgin.
Me too! Morning, Haskell.
Don't you "morning" me.
You kept me up all night with your carnal antics.
Your headboard banging, your thumping, your squealing.
It sounded like a haunted whorehouse.
What are you talking about? My date left early last night.
It wasn't me.
Water.
That was you last night? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I had a lady friend over.
And over.
And over.
Wait a sec.
You had sex, and you struck out? Nobody told me it was upside down day.
Easy.
I didn't have sex last night for a very simple reason.
I'm a recommitted virgin.
Yes, that is what we tell ourselves, isn't it? - Recommitted virgin? - Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh, and when did this little spiritual awakening happen? Last night, when I met the most smokin' hot woman on the planet.
Turns out she's a recommitted virgin too.
What are the chances? I know what you're doing.
You're just conning this woman so you can get her into bed.
Oh, good, I thought I'd have to explain that to you.
Phil, have you no shame? A woman has made a choice that allows you to get to know her on a deeper level, and all you care about is sex? You wrecked me last night.
Call me, baby.
Oh, you bet I will You.
Oh! You don't even know her name! Even I get a name so I know whose call to block.
Ahh.
So I called Julia to see if she wanted to get together tonight, but it turns out you beat me to it.
Haskell, can I ask a favor? Yeah.
With eden out of town, and this whole thing with Paul, I could really use someone to talk to.
I understand.
A bff - Yeah.
- A confidant, someone who understands the confusing emotions - that you're going through.
- Exactly.
So you'll call off your date with Julia? Not a chance.
Why not, you little cockroach? I'll tell you why not! Because Julia just moved here from Chicago and she doesn't know anybody yet, so I've only got a 36-hour window before she meets a guy with an actual job.
Trust me, I've run the numbers.
So that's how you want to play it, huh? You really think you can go toe-to-toe with me over a woman? That's right, because I've got the one thing that you can't bring to the party Desperation.
Oh, really? I'm a single woman in her 40s who just broke up with a guy who might've been her last chance at happiness.
I am desperation! What time is it? Julia's picking me up any minute.
Wait a minute, you ask your date to pick you up? Well, it saves cab fare.
So what do you think? Does this outfit say, "virgin"? That's my cardigan.
Until the time's right, I don't want to let off any sexual vibe.
Good choice, 'cause nobody's getting laid in that thing.
Phil, you know, maybe this whole nefarious plan is actually an opportunity for you to get to know this woman.
Oh, right, like you're doing with What's her name again? Okay, fine.
I admit, our courtship may have gotten out of the gate a bit quickly, but that's why, tonight, I'm taking her out for a long dinner where we will share all the details of our lives.
Hmm.
Ooh, that's Julia.
- Hello, my d - Hey, baby.
Oh, hey.
What are you doing here? I was supposed to pick you up.
Well, no matter.
I have a lovely evening planned - so that we can get to know - Shh.
Okie dokie.
You're going out with Haskell Lutz.
Be prepared to be spoiled.
Oh, I forgot my Groupon.
Oh.
- Julia! - What? What a surprise! - What are you doing here? - Oh.
- Haskell asked me to dinner.
- That's cute.
Listen, I took your advice.
I got a whole new wardrobe to get over Paul.
- Oh, that's - Yeah, you want to see it? Well, sure, I'd love to sometime.
- Okay, how about now? - But what about Haskell? - Oh, it'll just take a second.
- Uh.
It expired, so I had to white-out the date Julia? What? You know what.
Give me my date back! Sorry, kitty cat.
She's mine now.
Huh? - Look who's here.
- Hello.
Oh, hey.
Holly was just showing me some of her new outfits.
Oh, how de-lovely.
Shall we begin this magic carpet ride? I'm sorry, Holly.
Can we do this another time? Of course, no worries.
Have a nice time.
Are you okay? Oh, yeah, I'll just be here All alone.
No man, no girlfriend, no hope.
See? She's great, let's beat it.
Yeah, you guys go.
You know, I want someone to be happy.
- Maybe I'll just call Paul.
- No! No, that is the worst thing you can do.
Really? Haskell, I'm sorry, I can't leave Holly alone tonight.
Would you mind taking a rain check? - Well, I - Of course he wouldn't.
Would you, you sweet, sweet man? Of course not, my dear, dear friend.
So that's how you're gonna play it, huh? Well, just so you know, from this moment on, there are no rules.
No rules! All right, look.
On the count of three, we'll hang up together, all right? Ready? One, two, three.
No, you hang up.
In the virgin world, that was phone sex.
Still running your game, huh? I intend to close tonight.
I've been around that hot, little body for three days and it's killing me, Stuart! It's killing me! Phil, have you no conscience? For once in your life, why don't you try listening to this instead of Don't you tap that.
And look who's talking.
I'm not the only one whose big dog's driving the bus.
Okay, all right, point taken, but that ends tonight.
- I'm meeting Sabrina - Ah.
Ah.
At the bar, and the relationship will not move forward until I know everything about her and she knows more about me than just my safe word.
So that's why you kept yelling, "creme brulee! Creme brulee!" Are you okay, Stuart? I'm fine.
- Hi, Sabrina.
- Hey, baby.
Hi.
Sit ah! No, uh, no, no.
No, have a seat.
I thought maybe we could talk for a change, get to know each other.
Really? Yes, yes.
Look, for this to work for me, we need to connect on a deeper level.
Oh.
Tell me about yourself.
I want to know the real Sabrina.
Sure.
What do you want to know? - What do you do for a living? - I work in a hospital.
Oh, wonderful.
Doctor, nurse? In collections.
Ah.
Yeah, say somebody gets a new heart and their insurance runs out, I'm that scary voice that wakes them up in the middle of the night threatening to take their house.
Wow, what a job.
I know.
How often do you get to do something you love? Okay, moving on.
How about your personal life? Do you have any kids? Two.
No, three.
Yeah three.
Wow.
And do they live with you? No, God, no.
I fobbed them off on my mother.
Somebody's got to keep her sober.
Okay, I've heard enough.
Sabrina, I've gotten to know you, and don't take this the wrong way, but you are the most horrid, despicable Hello, is that your foot? Uh-huh.
No, no, no, no, no, no, I can't.
I can't, you're a monster.
Uh-huh.
There's a handicap stall in the ladies room.
Why don't we wheel out whoever's in there and get freaky on each other? - To new friends.
- New friends.
- Mmm.
- Refill.
I'll be right back.
- Oof.
- Ahh.
Oh.
I'll take a trim, a heel shave, and French tips.
After all, I am wearing peek-a-boo sandals.
Haskell! How did you get in here? This is women-only.
Oh, well, these days, nobody questions it.
Because if you're wrong, you're a supreme court test case.
Okay oh, sorry, lady, that's my seat.
Was your seat, toots.
Oh, hell no! Excuse me, I'm just gonna steal him away for one second.
Whoa, watch the Polish, watch the Polish.
- Sneaking into a women's spa? - Mm.
You got some set of balls.
I'm serious, close your robe.
Oh.
You think that you can steal my woman and get away with it? Ha! Who looks like the fool now? - Dah! - Man in the house! - Man in the house! - Give me that! Give me that, you! Oh, dear.
Oh oh, my God.
- Ah.
- Oh, oh, oh.
This is an outrage! I want my locker deposit back! And I was promised a beauty bag! Oh, thank God.
Oh! All right, I'll call you soon, bff.
And I'll call you sooner.
Get off of me! Oh, give it up.
This is This is fun.
There's gonna be a big payoff for you at the end of this.
Mittens.
You know, Dana, these past few days have been amazing.
You know, it's so freeing to have sex off the table.
- Phew.
- By now, the old me would've come up with some excuse to take your hand and caress your fingers.
Uh-huh.
The old me would've brushed your hair out of your face so I could look at those beautiful eyes.
Uh-huh.
And what else would the old you have done? Well, the old me would've leaned in for a kiss.
- Oh, I'm so glad we waited.
- Me too! - You're really special, Phil.
- You too.
So sweet, so sincere.
Sincere? Really, Phil? This may be a game for you, but it's not for her.
This is nice.
Stuart's right.
For once in your life, stop being led around by your penis.
Man, don't listen to him.
Huh? Yo, down here.
Have I ever steered you wrong, dog? - Is everything okay? - Yeah, yeah, all good.
- Okay.
- Damn right, it's all good.
Slide a hat on me.
Phil, you can't do this.
She's making you mittens.
You went to church with her Nana.
Church? Nana? Hoo! I have fallen and I can't get up.
Phil? I'm gonna need a minute.
I think I know what's wrong.
- No.
- Oh! No, no, nothing's wrong.
Please forgive me, Phil.
I nearly corrupted you and took away your virginity.
Take it! It's yours! You be strong, for both of us.
You are a good man.
No! No, I'm a bad, bad man! Let me prove it to you! Don't you touch me.
Let's just agree to never let a woman come between us again.
Agreed, and if you still need a girlfriend to talk to, I'm your man.
Thanks, but our little lady's back.
Eden just texted me.
She's back from her aunt's funeral.
Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop, stop! Oh, my God! Wha What the hell is that? I think it's a dog.
It's what my great aunt left me.
I thought you said she was leaving you a giant ruby.
Yeah, she did.
Meet Ruby.
Sit, sit, sit.
Sit.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Or drag me through the streets.
Your call.
Bartender, can I get a double Jack, straight up? Stay close.
Creme brulee! Creme brulee! Ah.
- You okay, Stuart? - When is that woman gonna learn that "creme brulee" means "creme brulee"? I see you're really getting to know Sabrina.
Oh, no, I did.
She's the most vile, repulsive woman I've ever met.
And I can't quit her.
I'm at the mercy of my male parts.
I've become you.
Yeah, well, I've become you.
Got me all in my head, thinking about being a better person, and damn it, I was! - Wait, so you - No, I couldn't.
My conscience bitch-slapped my dingus.
Oh.
I just hope you haven't ruined me for all women now.
Hey, baby.
You with me, Phil? Right behind you, big dog.