The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s03e03 Episode Script
That's No Lady, That's My Cousin
Hi, little one.
Of course, you won't make an appearance for about six months now but I thought you'd like to meet your family.
I'm your daddy.
Can you say "daddy"? And here Here is your mommy.
And here is you.
Hello in there.
Mommy, why don't we call the kids down and tell them that you're pregnant? Kids! Kids! Come on down, we have a big surprise for you.
Oh, check it out.
LAPD, The Home Game.
We're making a movie? Here, check it out, Uncle Phil.
Hold on.
I have fallen and I can't get up.
Will.
Kids, come on now, brace yourself.
I have some very important news for you.
Okay, but I'm living with the one who keeps the house.
No.
We're not getting a divorce, stupid.
We're having a baby.
Wait.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You and you? This is serious.
We're having a baby.
Yo, they ain't laughing, y'all.
Okay, I think I speak for everyone when I say: Ew! And I'm not baby-sitting.
I'm not changing diapers.
And I'm not sharing my trust fund.
Let's try this again, shall we? Now, kids, I have great news.
We're going to have a baby! Yay.
Good morning, honey.
Going to the electric chair? Philip, since I got pregnant, I can't stop eating.
But, honey, you got to be careful of what you eat.
Remember, baby, you're eating for two now.
You better watch it, since I could get used to all this attention, you know.
That's fine with me, baby.
Let me take care of you.
No, no, that's all fat.
No, no, all sugar.
No, no, that's all right.
The catering business is so unfair.
I mean, a couple of nuns get botulism and all of a sudden, I'm blacklisted.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's too bad.
So how's the apartment hunting going, honey? Excuse me? Hilary, we've been over this.
With the baby coming, we're going to need the room.
Wait a minute.
I have to move out? Whose fault is it that she's pregnant? Besides, we have three extra bedrooms.
Yes, and we don't want you in any of them.
Philip.
Hilary, honey, what your father's trying to say is you don't live here anymore, honey.
But this is all so sudden.
I mean, like, if I'd only had some kind of warning or something.
Hello, is this on? Where do you expect me to go? I don't have anything saved.
Honey, we'll pay first and last month's rent.
- What about the months in between? - Get a job.
Again? What a week.
First, those damn nuns, now this.
Hey, what's up, Hil? A word to the wise, Will: Stay in high school forever.
Bet.
- Hey, good morning, y'all.
- Good morning.
I just want a sticky bun.
I'm just going to get a sticky bun.
Mom, I look dorky.
Oh, honey, you look adorable.
You're just nervous about your first day at a new school, but don't be, come on.
- You're going to make a lot of new friends.
- What if no one likes me? Just do what Carlton does: Give them money.
Sweetheart, you're going to be all right.
You have a wonderful personality.
Oh, great, now I'm ugly.
You are not ugly.
You are beautiful and you're smart.
And you're going to have a fabulous day at your new school.
Okay? And I'm going to be here when you get home and I want to hear all about it.
Okay? - Hi, guys.
- Hi.
This is a great day.
Little Ashley joining me at Bel-Air Prep.
Hey, I thought you asked Dad to send me to public school.
Merely a trial balloon.
The fact remains that I love you.
But if we run into each other at school, act like we've never met.
Don't acknowledge me, don't talk to me, act like I'm invisible.
If you're not sure how, just do what all the other girls do.
Look, I'm serious.
This is my senior year, and I don't want you tagging along.
I've worked too hard at becoming popular.
And any day now, it's going to kick in, right? Darn tooting.
Hey, look.
I just think it's about time Bel-Air Prep went coed.
There's going to be cute girls everywhere.
Cute, rich girls that know the one thing their parents can't stand is for them to be dating a big black dude.
Will, can I hang out with you until I make some friends? Oh, yeah, sure, Ash.
Just look for the huddle of girls with the chocolate center.
It's a disgrace.
It's a scandal.
It's an outrage! It's the mother of my children.
Carlton, look.
The way to make an impression is to relax, man.
You got to be calm, chill out a little bit.
Hurt me! Hurt me! What's up, baby? The name's Veronica.
Veronica, I likes that.
Great.
Now, I can die.
Hold up, baby.
See now, I noticed you noticing me.
So I just want to put you on notice that I noticed you, too.
And? And to let you know that, you know, I might consider letting you be with me.
Is that what passes for a compliment around here? - Look, baby, listen.
- No, you listen.
If you want a shot at being with me maybe you should try talking to me like a human being, okay? Got it? Actually, baby, you got it, but I take donations.
Dag, Will.
You sure have a way with the ladies.
Hey, man, what's your secret? Well, I would like to help you out, my brother.
But, you know, it's a chemical thing.
You drug them? No, no, no.
Look, Kenny, it's instinct.
Like, you know the old saying: "Those who can, do, those who can't, teach"? Well, I can and I do.
That's deep, man.
Slide over here for a second.
I'll give you a few pointers.
Incoming! Well, Carlton, here we have a couple of particularly impressive competitors.
Judges! Will, the judges like her.
They really, really like her.
And let's hear it for the East German team! - Hi, Carl.
- Out of the way, Ashley.
I'm trying to see.
Ashley, watch out! I can't believe how hard it is to find a beachfront place with a pool and tennis court for $500 a month.
I mean, what's happening to this country? It's enough to make me want to vote.
Maybe you should lower your standards a little.
You're not going to be happy until I'm living in a trailer, eating Spam on Ritz.
I mean, that's where this is going, isn't it? Sweetheart, I found a few places that don't look so bad.
I'm beginning to get the idea that you want to get rid of me.
Run with that.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- So how was the first day at school? - Way cool, grand hombre.
Yo, Uncle Phil, it was booming, man.
Tasties everywhere.
I mean, big ones, small ones, short ones, tall ones Black ones, brown ones, rich ones, poor ones, crazy ones.
Well, your aunt and I used to It's not important.
Carlton, I thought you were against girls at Bel-Air Prep.
Well, I'll be the first to admit I had great reservations about it but I've already learned that many of my assumptions about the opposite sex were just plain wrong.
And that was just from 10 minutes of hiding under the bleachers.
Hey, guys.
Come on over here.
You know, that reminds me of my freshman year at college.
Now, for extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Dai/y.
And my first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper Boom Boom LaSalle.
I wonder why they called her that? For some reason, I don't know what, she kind of took a liking to me and so she invited me to go with her and her sister to their dressing room for drinks.
You the man.
Anyway, one thing led to another and before I knew it, this old country boy finished his y oo-hoo and went right home.
Wait a minute, Philip.
Go back to where you finished your y oo-hoo.
Ashley! Ashley, baby, I'm sorry.
- How was school? - School was fine.
- Did you make any new friends? - A few.
I've got to go study.
Well, did some of the boys try anything with you? No, nothing.
Nothing at all.
Uncle Phil, you'll be happy to know that none of the boys tried nothing with me, neither.
There you go noticing me again.
I'm telling you, she wants me.
She senses my raw animal power and is incapable of turning away.
She senses that big, wet, nasty blob of mayonnaise on your cheek and she can't eat till you wipe it off.
- So, yo, you seen Ashley today? - No.
- Me neither.
I wonder where she at.
- I don't know and I don't care.
As long as she doesn't try to sit with me again.
It's kind of hard to impress the honeys when your baby sister's blowing bubbles in your milk.
Will, check out the talent.
She's cool! She's hot! - She's - y our baby sister, man! Ease back, man, ease back.
What do you think you're doing? - Buzz off, short stuff.
- That's it, Ashley.
I want you to I'm ordering you to look unattractive.
Ashley, who did you have for breakfast, some hormones or something? Beat it.
I'm working the room.
Hi, Bobby.
Where'd she learn to walk like that? Yeah, where'd she get that Lee Press-On body? Hurt me! Hurt me! Yo, baby.
You see, I noticed you noticing me.
And I wanted to give you notice that I noticed you, too.
Baby, you float my boat.
I know you better float your midget boat on out of here.
Will, man, ease up.
No, you ease up, man.
What do you think you're doing? The same thing that you do.
I'm just trying to press up this woman.
That ain't no woman, that's my cousin.
I am too a woman, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my business.
Don't you shake your neck at me like that, girl.
- Come on, Kenny.
- Hey.
And don't you shake that either.
I did it.
I found the perfect place, and it's within my budget.
- You did? - That's great, baby.
You guys were right.
I do have what it takes to survive.
And it's true what they say: "You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day" But you give a man a cow and he can eat for a month, maybe more.
Don't, don't, don't.
She's on a roll.
This place has got it all.
Pool, tennis, and full utilities.
And I won't need any more than the $500 a month that Daddy promised me.
- That's an incredible deal.
- Unbelievable, even.
- I think we should see this place.
- Well, if you want to.
- I wouldn't miss it.
I'll get the car keys.
- You're not going to need them.
Why? Is it in the neighborhood? You're getting warmer.
Well, where is it, exactly? I'm going to live in the pool house.
You said I had to be out of the house, but not off of the property.
And with the money that Daddy promised me it will cover my furniture rental.
Philip! Philip, honey.
Honey, we're getting off easy.
- Come on.
- But it's not fair.
She's winning! Baby, I'm telling you.
You've got more moves than a bowl of Jell-O.
And there's always room for Jell-O.
Wow.
Dude sounds like a jackass.
Actually, Will, he sounds like you.
- So, Kenny, when are we going out? - I don't know, baby.
You have to let me check my book, and I'll get back to you.
You see, I want to make sure I can give you my undivided attention.
Actually, Will, he's better than you.
I mean, look at you, you got it going on.
You got sweet hips, lips and fingertips.
But, baby got back! Bye, baby.
Wait a minute! Will.
Will, I know my sister needs me, but that girl was babelicious.
Carlton I think you know what you have to do.
I know.
Still I would have liked to have been there for Ashley.
Hey.
I was so sure looking like this would make me popular.
I mean, what do guys want, anyway? Ashley, look, guys want a girl who's sweet and kind and smart.
Just like you.
Kenny wanted the girl with back.
Ashley, look, Kenny's a special case.
Carlton wanted the same girl.
Well, see, Carlton's a basket case.
What about all the boys in the hall yesterday? - See, Ashley - And all the guys in the beer commercials? - Look, Ashley - And all the guys who ask Hilary out.
Look, all right, okay.
Look, Ashley, I can't lie to you, all right? Some guys don't know what's special about a woman.
Actually, a lot of guys don't know.
Well, really, damn near all guys don't know.
Look, Ashley, there's still some guys that appreciate quality, you know? And you're quality.
You don't got to do all this.
Just work on being you.
I'm telling you, the right guy will come along.
I promise you.
Okay.
Have your people call my people.
We'll do lunch.
Give Mama a kiss, baby.
- I'm really glad you're my cousin.
- Mama know.
Go on, girl.
Veronica you know, I've thought about what you said yesterday and you know, I just wanted to tell you, you was right.
I'm sorry about the way I behaved and I'd be real grateful if I could have your number, so I could call you.
That's really nice.
What did I say? What did you say? Yeah.
You thought over what I said, and I was right.
What did you agree with? Yo, it was deep.
I agreed with all of it.
You have no idea what I said, do you? Wait, hold up, girl, you tripping.
I know what you said.
You, you 'Cause we was right here.
You said that people who live in glass cribs shouldn't throw hard stuff.
No.
"Let your smile be your umbrella"? Come on.
Who cares what you said, baby.
I'm saying I'm trying to be with you.
That's the first honest thing you said to me.
That's like a good thing, right? That's a very good thing.
That's what I'm saying! Write down your number! You can't get it yet.
But I've got your number.
Hey.
Hold up.
Am I as superficial as all those guys I warned Ashley about? I mean could it be that I'm more obsessed with breasts and thighs than Colonel Sanders ever was? Mightn't I be able to look deeper? I mean, to cherish women as full and complete and complex individuals.
And with this new understanding to finally find and keep this true love that eludes so many of us.
Nah! Yo, baby, I know your feet must be tired 'cause you been running through my mind all day.
Come here, girl! How are we supposed to translate Cicero with a bunch of girls glossing their hair, and glossing their lips and messing up lines and just trying to cover it, but not being able to do it.
Now, we got a lot of women in the audience.
Any of y'all ever glossed your hair? Because I don't know.
Maybe it's a new cu/t thing or something, that / don't know about.
Of course, you won't make an appearance for about six months now but I thought you'd like to meet your family.
I'm your daddy.
Can you say "daddy"? And here Here is your mommy.
And here is you.
Hello in there.
Mommy, why don't we call the kids down and tell them that you're pregnant? Kids! Kids! Come on down, we have a big surprise for you.
Oh, check it out.
LAPD, The Home Game.
We're making a movie? Here, check it out, Uncle Phil.
Hold on.
I have fallen and I can't get up.
Will.
Kids, come on now, brace yourself.
I have some very important news for you.
Okay, but I'm living with the one who keeps the house.
No.
We're not getting a divorce, stupid.
We're having a baby.
Wait.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You and you? This is serious.
We're having a baby.
Yo, they ain't laughing, y'all.
Okay, I think I speak for everyone when I say: Ew! And I'm not baby-sitting.
I'm not changing diapers.
And I'm not sharing my trust fund.
Let's try this again, shall we? Now, kids, I have great news.
We're going to have a baby! Yay.
Good morning, honey.
Going to the electric chair? Philip, since I got pregnant, I can't stop eating.
But, honey, you got to be careful of what you eat.
Remember, baby, you're eating for two now.
You better watch it, since I could get used to all this attention, you know.
That's fine with me, baby.
Let me take care of you.
No, no, that's all fat.
No, no, all sugar.
No, no, that's all right.
The catering business is so unfair.
I mean, a couple of nuns get botulism and all of a sudden, I'm blacklisted.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's too bad.
So how's the apartment hunting going, honey? Excuse me? Hilary, we've been over this.
With the baby coming, we're going to need the room.
Wait a minute.
I have to move out? Whose fault is it that she's pregnant? Besides, we have three extra bedrooms.
Yes, and we don't want you in any of them.
Philip.
Hilary, honey, what your father's trying to say is you don't live here anymore, honey.
But this is all so sudden.
I mean, like, if I'd only had some kind of warning or something.
Hello, is this on? Where do you expect me to go? I don't have anything saved.
Honey, we'll pay first and last month's rent.
- What about the months in between? - Get a job.
Again? What a week.
First, those damn nuns, now this.
Hey, what's up, Hil? A word to the wise, Will: Stay in high school forever.
Bet.
- Hey, good morning, y'all.
- Good morning.
I just want a sticky bun.
I'm just going to get a sticky bun.
Mom, I look dorky.
Oh, honey, you look adorable.
You're just nervous about your first day at a new school, but don't be, come on.
- You're going to make a lot of new friends.
- What if no one likes me? Just do what Carlton does: Give them money.
Sweetheart, you're going to be all right.
You have a wonderful personality.
Oh, great, now I'm ugly.
You are not ugly.
You are beautiful and you're smart.
And you're going to have a fabulous day at your new school.
Okay? And I'm going to be here when you get home and I want to hear all about it.
Okay? - Hi, guys.
- Hi.
This is a great day.
Little Ashley joining me at Bel-Air Prep.
Hey, I thought you asked Dad to send me to public school.
Merely a trial balloon.
The fact remains that I love you.
But if we run into each other at school, act like we've never met.
Don't acknowledge me, don't talk to me, act like I'm invisible.
If you're not sure how, just do what all the other girls do.
Look, I'm serious.
This is my senior year, and I don't want you tagging along.
I've worked too hard at becoming popular.
And any day now, it's going to kick in, right? Darn tooting.
Hey, look.
I just think it's about time Bel-Air Prep went coed.
There's going to be cute girls everywhere.
Cute, rich girls that know the one thing their parents can't stand is for them to be dating a big black dude.
Will, can I hang out with you until I make some friends? Oh, yeah, sure, Ash.
Just look for the huddle of girls with the chocolate center.
It's a disgrace.
It's a scandal.
It's an outrage! It's the mother of my children.
Carlton, look.
The way to make an impression is to relax, man.
You got to be calm, chill out a little bit.
Hurt me! Hurt me! What's up, baby? The name's Veronica.
Veronica, I likes that.
Great.
Now, I can die.
Hold up, baby.
See now, I noticed you noticing me.
So I just want to put you on notice that I noticed you, too.
And? And to let you know that, you know, I might consider letting you be with me.
Is that what passes for a compliment around here? - Look, baby, listen.
- No, you listen.
If you want a shot at being with me maybe you should try talking to me like a human being, okay? Got it? Actually, baby, you got it, but I take donations.
Dag, Will.
You sure have a way with the ladies.
Hey, man, what's your secret? Well, I would like to help you out, my brother.
But, you know, it's a chemical thing.
You drug them? No, no, no.
Look, Kenny, it's instinct.
Like, you know the old saying: "Those who can, do, those who can't, teach"? Well, I can and I do.
That's deep, man.
Slide over here for a second.
I'll give you a few pointers.
Incoming! Well, Carlton, here we have a couple of particularly impressive competitors.
Judges! Will, the judges like her.
They really, really like her.
And let's hear it for the East German team! - Hi, Carl.
- Out of the way, Ashley.
I'm trying to see.
Ashley, watch out! I can't believe how hard it is to find a beachfront place with a pool and tennis court for $500 a month.
I mean, what's happening to this country? It's enough to make me want to vote.
Maybe you should lower your standards a little.
You're not going to be happy until I'm living in a trailer, eating Spam on Ritz.
I mean, that's where this is going, isn't it? Sweetheart, I found a few places that don't look so bad.
I'm beginning to get the idea that you want to get rid of me.
Run with that.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- So how was the first day at school? - Way cool, grand hombre.
Yo, Uncle Phil, it was booming, man.
Tasties everywhere.
I mean, big ones, small ones, short ones, tall ones Black ones, brown ones, rich ones, poor ones, crazy ones.
Well, your aunt and I used to It's not important.
Carlton, I thought you were against girls at Bel-Air Prep.
Well, I'll be the first to admit I had great reservations about it but I've already learned that many of my assumptions about the opposite sex were just plain wrong.
And that was just from 10 minutes of hiding under the bleachers.
Hey, guys.
Come on over here.
You know, that reminds me of my freshman year at college.
Now, for extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Dai/y.
And my first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper Boom Boom LaSalle.
I wonder why they called her that? For some reason, I don't know what, she kind of took a liking to me and so she invited me to go with her and her sister to their dressing room for drinks.
You the man.
Anyway, one thing led to another and before I knew it, this old country boy finished his y oo-hoo and went right home.
Wait a minute, Philip.
Go back to where you finished your y oo-hoo.
Ashley! Ashley, baby, I'm sorry.
- How was school? - School was fine.
- Did you make any new friends? - A few.
I've got to go study.
Well, did some of the boys try anything with you? No, nothing.
Nothing at all.
Uncle Phil, you'll be happy to know that none of the boys tried nothing with me, neither.
There you go noticing me again.
I'm telling you, she wants me.
She senses my raw animal power and is incapable of turning away.
She senses that big, wet, nasty blob of mayonnaise on your cheek and she can't eat till you wipe it off.
- So, yo, you seen Ashley today? - No.
- Me neither.
I wonder where she at.
- I don't know and I don't care.
As long as she doesn't try to sit with me again.
It's kind of hard to impress the honeys when your baby sister's blowing bubbles in your milk.
Will, check out the talent.
She's cool! She's hot! - She's - y our baby sister, man! Ease back, man, ease back.
What do you think you're doing? - Buzz off, short stuff.
- That's it, Ashley.
I want you to I'm ordering you to look unattractive.
Ashley, who did you have for breakfast, some hormones or something? Beat it.
I'm working the room.
Hi, Bobby.
Where'd she learn to walk like that? Yeah, where'd she get that Lee Press-On body? Hurt me! Hurt me! Yo, baby.
You see, I noticed you noticing me.
And I wanted to give you notice that I noticed you, too.
Baby, you float my boat.
I know you better float your midget boat on out of here.
Will, man, ease up.
No, you ease up, man.
What do you think you're doing? The same thing that you do.
I'm just trying to press up this woman.
That ain't no woman, that's my cousin.
I am too a woman, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my business.
Don't you shake your neck at me like that, girl.
- Come on, Kenny.
- Hey.
And don't you shake that either.
I did it.
I found the perfect place, and it's within my budget.
- You did? - That's great, baby.
You guys were right.
I do have what it takes to survive.
And it's true what they say: "You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day" But you give a man a cow and he can eat for a month, maybe more.
Don't, don't, don't.
She's on a roll.
This place has got it all.
Pool, tennis, and full utilities.
And I won't need any more than the $500 a month that Daddy promised me.
- That's an incredible deal.
- Unbelievable, even.
- I think we should see this place.
- Well, if you want to.
- I wouldn't miss it.
I'll get the car keys.
- You're not going to need them.
Why? Is it in the neighborhood? You're getting warmer.
Well, where is it, exactly? I'm going to live in the pool house.
You said I had to be out of the house, but not off of the property.
And with the money that Daddy promised me it will cover my furniture rental.
Philip! Philip, honey.
Honey, we're getting off easy.
- Come on.
- But it's not fair.
She's winning! Baby, I'm telling you.
You've got more moves than a bowl of Jell-O.
And there's always room for Jell-O.
Wow.
Dude sounds like a jackass.
Actually, Will, he sounds like you.
- So, Kenny, when are we going out? - I don't know, baby.
You have to let me check my book, and I'll get back to you.
You see, I want to make sure I can give you my undivided attention.
Actually, Will, he's better than you.
I mean, look at you, you got it going on.
You got sweet hips, lips and fingertips.
But, baby got back! Bye, baby.
Wait a minute! Will.
Will, I know my sister needs me, but that girl was babelicious.
Carlton I think you know what you have to do.
I know.
Still I would have liked to have been there for Ashley.
Hey.
I was so sure looking like this would make me popular.
I mean, what do guys want, anyway? Ashley, look, guys want a girl who's sweet and kind and smart.
Just like you.
Kenny wanted the girl with back.
Ashley, look, Kenny's a special case.
Carlton wanted the same girl.
Well, see, Carlton's a basket case.
What about all the boys in the hall yesterday? - See, Ashley - And all the guys in the beer commercials? - Look, Ashley - And all the guys who ask Hilary out.
Look, all right, okay.
Look, Ashley, I can't lie to you, all right? Some guys don't know what's special about a woman.
Actually, a lot of guys don't know.
Well, really, damn near all guys don't know.
Look, Ashley, there's still some guys that appreciate quality, you know? And you're quality.
You don't got to do all this.
Just work on being you.
I'm telling you, the right guy will come along.
I promise you.
Okay.
Have your people call my people.
We'll do lunch.
Give Mama a kiss, baby.
- I'm really glad you're my cousin.
- Mama know.
Go on, girl.
Veronica you know, I've thought about what you said yesterday and you know, I just wanted to tell you, you was right.
I'm sorry about the way I behaved and I'd be real grateful if I could have your number, so I could call you.
That's really nice.
What did I say? What did you say? Yeah.
You thought over what I said, and I was right.
What did you agree with? Yo, it was deep.
I agreed with all of it.
You have no idea what I said, do you? Wait, hold up, girl, you tripping.
I know what you said.
You, you 'Cause we was right here.
You said that people who live in glass cribs shouldn't throw hard stuff.
No.
"Let your smile be your umbrella"? Come on.
Who cares what you said, baby.
I'm saying I'm trying to be with you.
That's the first honest thing you said to me.
That's like a good thing, right? That's a very good thing.
That's what I'm saying! Write down your number! You can't get it yet.
But I've got your number.
Hey.
Hold up.
Am I as superficial as all those guys I warned Ashley about? I mean could it be that I'm more obsessed with breasts and thighs than Colonel Sanders ever was? Mightn't I be able to look deeper? I mean, to cherish women as full and complete and complex individuals.
And with this new understanding to finally find and keep this true love that eludes so many of us.
Nah! Yo, baby, I know your feet must be tired 'cause you been running through my mind all day.
Come here, girl! How are we supposed to translate Cicero with a bunch of girls glossing their hair, and glossing their lips and messing up lines and just trying to cover it, but not being able to do it.
Now, we got a lot of women in the audience.
Any of y'all ever glossed your hair? Because I don't know.
Maybe it's a new cu/t thing or something, that / don't know about.