The L Word: Generation Q (2019) s03e03 Episode Script

1
Previously on The L Word: Generation Q
[PULSING, ENERGETIC MUSIC]
[DANI] How'd it go with Nat?
Did she give us permission
to live together?
She didn't say no.
She just said she wants
to know you better.
- Are you dating me or her?
- Oh, my. Daniela
I think I'm gonna go back to school.
[SOPHIE] I mean, wow, that's incredible.
[ANGIE] Are you breaking up with me?
Worst first night of college ever.
[KAYLA] I mean, you're
single and in L.A.
Ooh.
This could be, like, my ho phase.
[SHANE] You and me, let's
open that second bar.
I'll do anything with you.
- Oh, no. You've got the itch.
- What itch?
[ALICE] Things get too real,
you get restless,
- and then you start to, like, wiggle.
- Please. I don't wiggle.
I need to go.
- [ALICE AND BETTE] Yes.
- [BETTE] I need to go! Oh, my God.
[TINA] You're you're
not thinking clearly.
You love it here.
- You love your friends and your job.
- [BETTE] That's true.
That's all true, but I love you more.
Please, may I come with you?
No, they just have
something real, you know.
That would be nice.
[DANIELA] I'm sorry for reacting
the way I did earlier.
- I love you.
-
I don't find trouble, yeah ♪
Trouble finds me ♪
[SIRENS WAILING]
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
You look good,
but we should bring
you in for observation.
[GIGI] Okay. Thank you so much.
[PARAMEDIC] White female, conscious,
presenting with head injuries
- Hi.
- Hey, you.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
- Whoa.
- That's my face.
- Sorry.
- Mm.
I think I might have just
pressed glass into your skin.
You've always been good in crisis.
- Yeah.
- [PARAMEDIC] Sorry, ma'am.
[DANI] Hey, I'm looking
for my girlfriend.
- [PARAMEDIC] Yeah, she's there.
- [DANI] Oh, thank you.
Hey.
Hey, I got here as fast as I could.
Great.
Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
- I am okay.
[NAT] I'll just wait outside.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Sorry.
I'll be right back, okay?
Nat?
[DANI SIGHS]
Uh, thank you for getting here
- as fast as you did.
- Oh.
Yeah, I'm her emergency contact,
so I had a head start.
Oh, well, that's
Which we should change, you know?
- It should be you.
- Right.
- [PARAMEDIC] Only one of you can ride.
- Oh, that-that's me.
Yeah.
[NAT] Well, call me
if you need anything.
I'll be around.
["TROUBLE'S COMIN'" BY RAYELLE]
It's going down, down, down ♪
You can feel it all
around, round, round ♪
Ain't no way to
stop it now, now, now ♪
Better start running ♪
Running, running ♪
[STAGE BELL RINGING]
[ALICE] Can you believe
they let me make this
show a hundred times?
Yes. It's gonna be a great show.
Oh, my God, the dating show segment?
- Yeah.
- Genius.
Thank you. The flowers look great.
And all the contestants
have been vetted, right?
- Yes.
- Okay, 'cause I'm looking for the one.
Right. No cults, no
mixed martial arts and
[ASSISTANT] What do you think?
- Yes.
- [ASSISTANT] You got it.
No improvisers of any kind.
Yeah, that last one's very important.
- [SIGHS]
- What if this really works?
I mean, what if I find my person?
- Oh, my God! Yeah.
- Wouldn't it be amazing?
- Soso and Allyce?
- That's us.
I'm sorry if I'm butchering those.
My coworker Kim here got bit
by a pig at her family reunion
and her thumb hasn't been the same.
- Oh, sorry about your thumb.
- [KIM] Thanks.
- Right, well, I'll see you out there.
- Okay.
Oh.
- Oh! You. Alice.
- Uh, yeah, that's me. [CHUCKLES]
[TAYLOR] Yeah, I mean,
I guess I shouldn't be
surprised given where I am,
I mean, physically
- Oh, in the
- Here. Yeah.
- Yeah. Lines up.
- Yeah.
'Cause the show's called Alice
Hang on.
I can add a little
something special here.
Kim usually does the latte art,
but I'll give it my best shot.
Ta-da.
- Oh, you made a, um
- I can do a heart,
but that just felt a little obvious,
so I went with chaos.
Or a little modern art.
[CHUCKLING] It was nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you, too.
- Good luck on the show.
Oh, are you gonna stay and watch?
[TAYLOR] No, no, no, no.
Um, I'll have to
over-analyze this conversation
- for like two hours, so
- Why? It's going so well.
- [LAUGHS]
- No, you should stay and watch.
It's-it's nice to have
real fans in the audience
and not just confused tourists who think
they're here to see Ellen.
- [CHUCKLING] Sold.
- Okay, great.
[SLOW, WISTFUL MUSIC]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Going to the new bar.
Want to break some shit?
- Uh yeah.
- Yeah?
That actually sounds
like a dream come true.
- [SHANE] Let's go.
- [FINLEY] Holy shit.
- [SHANE] Let's have some fun.
- ["PONY" BY GINUWINE]
I'm just a bachelor ♪
I'm looking for a partner ♪
Someone who knows how to ride ♪
Without even falling off ♪
Got to be compatible ♪
Takes me to my limits ♪
Girl, when I break you off ♪
I promise that you won't wanna get off ♪
If you're horny ♪
Let's do it, ride it, my pony ♪
My saddle's waiting ♪
Come and jump on it ♪
If you're horny, let's do it ♪
Ride it, my pony ♪
My saddle's waiting ♪
Come and jump on it ♪
[GRUNTING]
Hey.
[PANTING]
You think I'd be, like, good at school?
[PANTING] What?
You know, like, college.
I don't know. Were you any good before?
- No, not really.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Yes, I love that place.
I'll meet you there. Um
Sorry, can you hold on just one second.
Um, hi. What the hell do the
two of you think you're doing?
We don't start demo until tomorrow.
[SHANE] I know. I know, I know, I know,
but we got a head start, and
look how much we got done.
I mean, check that out.
Come on. Come on, have a whack.
It's a maj stress
reliever. Have a whack.
No, Finley, I don't
want to give it a whack.
All right. Your loss.
Oh, shit! Fuck!
Okay.
- I'm gonna stop the water.
- I got it! I got it!
Finley, go around the corner.
It's not a big deal, Tess.
- Truly. Just calm down.
- You there?
Yeah, actually, can you meet me here?
Great, I'm gonna text
you the address right now.
Okay, bye.
This is exactly why
you should not be
fucking around in here.
- It's just
- [TESS] I have got so much
on my plate already and now, this.
- Tess, it's just an accident.
- You're gonna have to tell Alice
that I can't make it tonight
because I'm gonna be here
waiting for a plumber.
[SHANE] Why? No, no, no.
I can help with that.
Your help is how this happened.
So thanks, but no thanks.
[SHANE SIGHS]
[PANTING] All right, then.
I should just stay out of your way then.
Hmm?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I will.
[SIGHS] Oh, my God.
[SLOW, TRANQUIL MUSIC]
[SOPHIE] Did you get
the chocolate fountain?
[DANI] Yup. Whatever Alice
wants, I'll make it happen.
It's her show. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, leaving now.
- All right, see you there.
- Bye.
Hi and bye.
Have you seen my other
earring? Is it in the bathroom?
I didn't see it.
Mm. I'm sorry. [KISSES]
Just borrow a pair of mine.
Your car's gonna be here at 3:00.
He's usually a little early, so
- [GIGI] Okay.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Not that early.
Oh, it's
Nat.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um
Sorry, what are you
what are you doing here?
Oh, hi. Uh, Gigi just called me.
Oh.
I can't get ready on my own,
and I didn't want you to be late.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Happy to help.
- Right.
- Yeah.
No. Sure, that's great.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah. Um, I will
see you both
- at Alice's show later then?
- [NAT] Oh, yeah.
I will be there.
Margaret Cho is on my bucket list.
- [CHUCKLES] Not to
- Great.
Fuck, just meet.
- Sure. Right. Um
- [CHUCKLES]
- All right. I love you.
- Love you.
Bye!
[DOOR OPENS]
- Hi!
- Hi.
- How are you doing?
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Uh, I feel like shit.
- [CHUCKLES]
- But I'm on a lot of drugs.
- Nice.
- No, I'm good.
Honestly [STAMMERS]
I've had five days off.
I can't remember the last
time I had five days off.
Oh. Well, I actually do remember.
Yeah, it was when you got hand,
foot and mouth from the kids,
and I don't think you went out
in public for, like, a week.
Okay, fine.
Last time was when I
had hand, foot and mouth.
Yeah.
Do you want to talk about
what happened the other night?
No.
- [LAUGHING]
- All right. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, honestly, it was
it was nothing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- Mm. Yes.
[SLOW, SOMBER MUSIC]
Yeah, no, no. It's-it's
good, Mom, I swear.
Jordi's just having
trouble with boundaries
and, like, texting me a lot.
But I'm fine, you know?
I'm-I'm excited for class, you know?
I feel like it's, um
a fresh start, you know?
Okay. I love you.
Yes. Yes, yes, it's on my keychain.
Okay. I love you. Bye.
[SOFT CHATTER]
Hey, y'all! Um, my
name is Samuel Hendrix.
I am your professor.
We're gonna investigate our
own individual creativity, 'kay?
Um, I am a poet,
a songwriter, a lousy piano player
and I wrote a book once.
That therefore qualifies me
to be your Introduction to
Creative Writing instructor.
- Welcome, y'all.
- [CHUCKLING]
- Okay
- [WHISPERS] Fuck me.
So we're gonna
we're gonna jump right in.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Happy 100th.
- [GASPS]
The chart.
- Right?
- Oh!
God, where it all began.
Just a reminder of
your humble beginnings.
I love it. Let's hang it.
Take that down. I can't
stand this picture.
I did your hair for that.
Well, I like my hair. I just
This is better.
- [SHANE] Right?
- [ALICE] Love it!
- Ugh. Oh
- Do you still talk to her?
- No. No, no.
- She was really cute.
Um, Bette and Tina got me
- those flowers.
- That's nice.
- Pretty.
- Glad they're making it work.
Mm. Tom got me a basket of Bic pens.
- That's odd.
- Well, you know, I turned down
- the marriage proposal.
- Right.
But he's still able to be a good friend.
Or he's still hoping.
[SIGHS]
Honestly, either way is fine.
Is this for me, too?
- What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- This one.
That's just my old hair products.
Oh. Yeah, I don't want that.
I know you don't, but Ivy does.
And I figured I'd give 'em to her, so
Okay.
Do you know where I can find her?
- Yeah. Over here.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
You two really hit it
off the other night.
- No, it was just work.
- Mm.
Where's Tess?
Unfortunately, she's
not able to make it.
So she wanted me to send you her love.
- Well, I'm sorry she's gonna miss it.
- Me, too.
Oh. Real quick
Don't sit in the front.
I don't want to give too much away,
but there is a
lube slip-and-slide.
It might get a little messy.
How do you come up with this shit?
Okay, so, VIPs are gonna hang
- in the Alice lounge.
- Huh.
I got this queer
winemaker to sponsor it.
Um, the list is getting
pretty long though,
so I'm thinking we do
overflow in the greenroom.
All right, that sounds good.
I mean, that'll work.
- Um
- Oh, hey, how's Gigi?
Uh, you know, ribs take a while to heal.
But other than that, she's fine.
Okay. Well, hey, um [CLICKS TONGUE]
when's she's feeling better, why
don't you guys come over for dinner?
- With me and Finley.
- Uh M-Maybe.
- Ouch.
- I said maybe.
- Come on.
- [SCOFFS]
- This bitch.
- Didn't see that coming ♪
Didn't see that coming ♪
There's also, I think,
like, a pipe or something
- rattling in the ceiling.
- Okay.
Could be animals.
- Rats.
- [FINLEY] Uh-oh.
I stopped feeding 'em.
Okay, I'm gonna check everything out.
Okay, great. Thank you. If you
need anything from me, just come
and find me. I'll be here all day.
- Sounds great.
- 'Kay.
Tess, please don't stay here.
I'm the one that broke the pipe.
I know, but
Listen, you shouldn't have
to stay with the plumber.
I-I want to. Really. Please?
[STAMMERS] No, it's fine. My
sponsee's already on the way and
I got the highlighter. I got the book.
- I know the AA deal.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- I can't ask you to do that.
- No, you're not asking.
Please? I want to.
Let me make this right.
Come on. Go be with Shane.
I was way harsh on her earlier.
[SOFT, SOMBER MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[HENDRIX] Next week's gonna
be a deep dive into structure,
so be ready for that.
Also, if you want to
hear some great writing,
my buddy is doing a reading
at the campus bookstore.
Hi, excuse me. Will you
just wait one second?
- Yeah.
- Um, yeah, that's it.
Um, hi.
Uh, I have a quick question for you.
[QUIETLY] Um
it is you, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
knew it was you. [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS] Hi! Um, yes, I just
I wanted to say I'm sorry about
like, kissing you the other night.
Um, just please know that
won't, like, ever happen again.
I had just broken up
with my first girlfriend
who I was in love with,
and my moms are, like,
getting back together, which
is, like, a whole thing.
And it's my It's my
first week of college.
Anyway, I just want you to know
if-if you want me to, like,
drop your class, I totally will.
I'm happy you're in my class.
Okay.
Okay. Great.
- I'll see you next week?
- See ya.
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]
[CHUCKLES]
[STAGE MANAGER] Give Alice five.
[ASSISTANT] I thought
you gave Wardrobe ten.
Yeah, but we got to give Alice
five so she gets here on time.
- Oh, gotcha.
- [SHANE] No, no, it's yours.
Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
- You don't need to thank me.
- Five minutes.
- That was collecting dust in my garage.
- What?
This is literally liquid gold.
Y'all hear that? Nobody touch my shit.
- This is a no-fly zone.
- [HAIRDRESSER] Okay, okay.
[ANNOUNCER] 15 minutes, everyone.
15 minutes till showtime.
All right, I'm gonna go get my seat.
You don't want to hang back here?
This is where all the fun is.
["ALL DIAMONDS" BY NIGHTGAMES]
I'll find a place ♪
For myself ♪
[COMEDIAN] I feel lots
of love here, people.
- [DANI] Okay.
- [COMEDIAN] Uh-huh.
- You know what time it is.
- All right, can I get you
any water or anything? You want some
Oh, I heard there was champagne.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING, LAUGHING]
No, you're I mean, you're
probably busy. I-I could get it.
- [DANI] No, I-I can get it.
- You're so busy.
I will get it.
- You sure? Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How you feeling?
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
- Go do your thing.
- Okay.
Well, the show starts in ten,
if you need anything before then.
[NAT] Oh! I do.
Uh, these are for Alice.
Yeah. I wanted to get her
flowers, but the lady by the side
of the freeway only
had oranges today, so
- there you go.
- S-So you got oranges?
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
- Yep.
- Wonderful.
I'll see she gets these.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I feel like she didn't
think that was funny.
- I wouldn't take it personally.
- [CHUCKLES]
'Kay.
- You got some fluff in your hair.
- Oh.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Got it?
Hair's looking healthy.
You finally using new products?
Yeah, actually. It's, uh,
called Grape Jelly by Eli.
Yeah, it's applied by just
flinging it across the table.
- [CHUCKLES]
- It's in high demand.
- I'll try and get you his number.
- [SNORTS SOFTLY]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I saw you when I got hit.
Yeah, I-I can't believe how
fast I was able to get there.
No.
The way they say your life
flashes before your eyes.
I saw you and the kids.
My family.
[SOFT, SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
I'm sure it was just the adrenaline.
- You know? That's all.
- [DANI] Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
[COMEDIAN] What are they? That's right.
Um, she didn't bring you a glass.
No. [LAUGHS]
You know what? That's okay. Actually,
I think I have a reusable straw in here.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- Let's see.
[UPBEAT, FUNKY MUSIC]
Na-na-na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na ♪
Whoo! Let's take it from the top now ♪
- Take it from the top ♪
- Finley?
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Carrie, right?
- Yes, hi.
- Hi, how are you?
- I'm good.
- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you. You, too.
You know, Tess described
you so perfectly.
- Oh.
- She said, "Leonardo DiCaprio
from Romeo + Juliet."
And with the hair and
everything, I totally see it.
Wow, that is weirdly the nicest
thing anybody's ever said to me.
Wow.
God, I must be on some
kind of gender journey, huh?
Yeah. I wouldn't know
enough about that to say.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- So what do we do?
Uh, yeah, sit down.
- Right here?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Wait, so how do you know Tess?
I hit rock bottom. I went on a bender.
That's when Tess became my sponsor.
So, I'm here
to tell you about the
tsunami of depression that
kicked my ass after I found out
that my fiancée got back with her ex.
- Shit. [INHALES SHARPLY]
- Yeah.
Well, we got this puppy to guide us.
- So, silver lining.
- Okay. Right.
- Yeah, it can't hurt, right?
- Yeah.
But, listen, I got
to hit the head first.
I, like, pounded, like, a gallon
of iced tea on the way here.
Course. Uh, the water's out in here,
but right around the corner is Dana's.
Pop in there, there's a bathroom.
Okay, great. And, listen, I got
a free sub with my punch card.
If you want one, take it.
Oh, sweet. Thanks.
What-what is it?
Uh, it's turkey and cheese, no dressing.
I don't like wet bread.
[DOOR OPENS]
Copy that.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Kegel and hold. Kegel and hold.
Don't sneeze.
Oh, no. Don't sneeze. Okay.
Almost there.
Oh, occupied!
- Oh, geez!
- Oh.
- Oh, my, oh
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- No, no, no, no, no, oh, my God.
Oh, my God, let me look at it.
- Oh, it's really coming out.
- Is it? Oh, no.
There's no, um, toilet paper.
- [LAUGHS] You
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, it hurts when I laugh.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, it's in my mouth. I taste the blood.
- What do we do?
- Oh, I have an idea.
- Come here, come over here.
- I need something.
Come over here, come over here.
[MISTY] Okay, it's working.
It feels okay, actually.
- It looks amazing.
- Thank you.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Okay. Um, this one?
- Yes?
- I'm going to take it out,
because it was kind of really bleeding,
so I'm gonna stick a new one in.
- Okay. Right.
- Okay?
Okay, here we go. You ready?
- Go. Gentle.
- Okay.
Don't freak out, don't freak out.
[EXHALES] We did it.
Oh, I can breathe again.
- Not for long.
- You got it?
- I'm going to jam it slowly
- Oh? Yeah, that's nice.
- You okay?
- Not too hard.
- You good?
- That's good.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- Thank you.
- Looks good.
- My name's Carrie.
- I'm Misty.
- It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, yeah.
You do well under pressure.
It's a good thing I know so
much about leaky pipes, I guess.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Holy shit, what the hell happened?
- It's a long story.
- Yes, it is.
Yeah, we're all good, though.
- Yeah, we're good. Yeah.
- Yeah. Don't worry.
Oh, there's, like, no toilet paper
in this whole entire bathroom.
Oh, that's actually my fault.
I, um, yeah, I was supposed to do that.
- [MISTY] Okay.
- Are you sure you're good?
- Yeah, yeah. We're good.
- We're good.
- You're good.
- We're good.
[CLEARS THROAT] Okay
Ooh, la, la ♪
[SOPHIE] All right,
contestants, are you ready?
Here are your microphones, all right?
You're gonna talk into them like this,
- blah, blah, blah.
- [CLATTERING]
- Wait a minute.
- Somebody cut her off.
Where's contestant number three?
[SLURRING] Are these Beyond Beef,
or are these the real deal?
[ASSISTANT] Guys, just be
aware of what's going on.
[MUTTERING] Anybody you don't know.
Mmm [SLURPING]
[GASPS SOFTLY] Fuck my life.
[EXHALES]
[ALICE] You know, I'm much
better with emotional ties.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This feels a little more literal.
[LAUGHTER]
But it does remind me a lot of
a relationship I was in once.
Oh !
- [CHEERING]
- [ALICE] I did it!
Thank you.
[ANNOUNCER] Hang tight, everyone.
15 minutes until the next segment.
There's nothing suspicious
about anything you're doing.
What, am I not being discrete?
Uh, no. You'd be a terrible criminal.
Oh, please. I could commit crimes.
Yeah, and not get away with it.
That's just mean. It's
mean and it's wrong.
[QUIETLY] I could kill.
[CHUCKLING] Or maybe pillage something.
- Can I tell you something?
- Mm-hmm.
I keep trying to understand what
I was feeling in that moment.
Like, what it means that I saw you.
Do you think it means anything?
- Are you smizing at me?
- Smizing?
- Smizing? From Top Model?
- [CHUCKLING]
Can you please stop making me laugh?
- My ribs are bruised.
- What? What do you watch?
My ribs are bruised.
Well, stop saying ridiculous things.
You're the one being ridiculous.
Um, actually, you're the
one with a head injury.
You were concussed and now
you're drinking on painkillers,
so I'm pretty sure you're
not thinking straight.
Safe to say.
- We met at 18.
- I know.
- Well, you were 19.
- No, you're older than me.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- I-I always mix that up.
- I know, I don't understand.
- You were 18?
- Yes.
[NAT CHUCKLES]
[GENTLE MUSIC]
[CHUCKLES]
- Dani, Dani, Dani!
- Thank you so much.
- Dani, I need a favor.
- Thank you.
Why don't you carry your own tampons?
- What? No. I
- Hi.
I-I lost a contestant
for the dating game,
and I need someone.
Can you please do it for me?
[STAMMERING] It's in six, six minutes.
No. I have to go get Billie
Jean off the red carpet.
She won't stop smiling for the cameras.
- You do it. You got it. Go.
- God! Why are you the worst?
[SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[ANNOUNCER] All right,
everyone in the audience,
we are gonna start
in just a few minutes.
- Please take your seats.
- [APPLAUSE]
[INTRIGUING MUSIC]
You know, your timing could not
have been more perfect, really.
Well, I'm just glad it's
getting put to some good use.
[IVY] You know, I think I need, like,
a little bit of a revamp.
I've just been on those dating
apps. Like, they're terrible.
- Oh, those dating apps yeah.
- Absolutely terrifying.
Yeah. And I've been out the
game for like two years.
- Two years, huh?
- Yeah.
- I had a kid.
- I know you had a kid.
You mentioned that when I met you.
You don't seem like the type
that wants to see pictures
so I'm not gonna show you.
I'd see, I'd see it if
you'd like to show it to me.
- Oh, yeah?
- I'm not against it.
Okay. [CHUCKLES] She is everything
and she has also sucked me dry.
I just don't feel like
myself all the way, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]
I can relate to that.
I think I need to get back on the horse.
I think you're gonna do just fine.
Hi, guys. I need a favor. Um
Can you get her ready
in, like, four minutes?
- She's not talking to me.
- We'll do it.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, amazing.
- Okay, sit down.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's your name?
- Taylor.
- Hi, Taylor. I'm Ivy, this is Shane.
- Hey, Taylor.
- Hey.
Yeah, we're gonna take
really good care of you.
- Do you have any do's, any don'ts?
- Uh, just no red lipstick.
My mom subjected me to
pageants as a toddler,
so it's very triggering.
Okay. Take it away. Do your thing.
Taylor.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- May I?
Yeah.
[PRODUCER] And we're rolling.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
[ALICE] Welcome back
to my 100th episode.
As many of you know,
I'm currently single,
so I figured what better
way to meet someone,
than on TV in front
of a studio audience?
- [LAUGHTER]
- So to help me out today,
we've brought the original
bisexual comedienne,
a woman who has paved
the way for so many of us,
my first crush, my friend, Margaret Cho!
[CHEERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey!
Thank you!
Oh, this is so exciting.
So, you know how this works,
we have some contestants,
we're gonna ask them some questions.
Alice is gonna decide
amongst three candidates
who's best, right?
Yes, well, you're going to help me.
[MARGARET] I'm gonna be
making some snide commentary
- from over here
- [LAUGHTER]
It's gonna be so fabulous.
- I'm so excited.
- Sounds dreamy.
- Let's start. Okay.
- I love it.
[CHEERING]
Okay.
Contestant number one,
tell me about yourself.
- Hi, Alice.
- Oh.
- Ooh, that is a deep baritone.
- Okay.
- I'm into it.
- I'm from a small town in Montana,
where rush hour is a moose in the road.
Oh, this is gonna be simple.
Um, Ivy, can you grab me
that product in your bag?
Yeah, I just want to see what it is.
No.
Uh, just find a nice
backdrop outside or something.
Get singles, get groups. I need options.
Thank you. Hi.
- Everything looks so good.
- Thank you.
- I'm gonna go home.
- Oh, it's early. Are you feeling okay?
Yes, but I just really want to get back.
- Okay, okay. I'll call you a car.
- No, no, no. Don't worry about it.
Nat's going to take me.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
- What's going on?
- What do you mean?
I mean, what's going
on with you and Nat?
- Nothing is going on.
- Okay.
- We can talk more later.
- No. I'd like to talk about it now.
[ALICE] Contestant number one,
why don't you tell me
how you spend your days?
I'm a veterinarian for a nonprofit
that rescues animals
from natural disasters.
[AUDIENCE] Aww.
[LAUGHS] He's perfect.
Definitely a serial killer.
[LAUGHING] Agreed.
Okay, let's move on to
contestant number two.
Can you beat the butt-dialing
rescue vet from Montana?
- I'll try.
- [GASPS]
Um, I was born in India,
raised in New York.
Uh, I run a cold storage
start-up for NFTs.
[MARGARET] Oh.
- Cold storage for NFTs?
- I have no idea what that means.
- [LAUGHTER]
- [MARGARET] Number two,
what is the most embarrassing thing
that's ever happened to you?
The most embarrassing thing
that's happened to me was
I threw up in the front car
of a roller coaster, on a first date.
- [AUDIENCE] Ooh
- [MARGARET] Wow.
- [SHANE] Looks great.
- [TAYLOR] I don't know why
I have to be on TV right now, but
All right, we're done. Let's
go, we got to go, we got to go.
- Come on.
- Okay, okay.
Oh, wait, don't forget this.
You want a girl that can
just, you know, really go up
- And down. Yeah.
- And go down.
- [LAUGHTER]
- We like that
[SHANE] All right, good luck, have fun.
- She looks great.
- She does, yeah.
ALICE: Okay, contestant number three.
Same question.
- Number three?
- Don't be shy.
[MARGARET] Don't be shy, number three.
- Okay, go answer the question.
- [MARGARET] Number three?
Okay, okay. What's the question?
Say something funny about yourself.
Um. Something, um I'm, uh
Something funny about me?
I'm from Normal, Illinois.
[ALICE] That's more
of a fact than a joke,
but, okay, I'll play.
What's so normal about it?
[MARGARET] And would I fit in?
Um, uh, the people, I-I
guess, make it normal, um
That voice sounds so familiar.
So, number three, what's
the most embarrassing thing
that's ever happened to you?
I mean, well, this moment
- would have to be up there.
- [LAUGHTER]
And, number three,
who is your hero, and why?
Oh, gosh, um was it animal or human?
- [LAUGHTER]
- Aw, that's so cute.
[UPBEAT, ENERGETIC MUSIC]
- All right, I got one for you.
- What's that?
One time, after a bottle of
Goldschläger, remember that?
One-way bus ticket, Kansas City to L.A.
- Just picked up everything and moved.
- God, I hate moving.
It's like the worst
thing in the world to me.
Yeah, but at least I used to do stuff.
It's like, being sober
makes it harder to make
those moves, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Like, I've got a whole list
of shit I just haven't done.
Really, like what?
I mean, I got this college application.
It's been saved on
my desktop for months.
It's due at midnight,
and I just, like, I
can't pull the trigger.
[CARRIE] Well, you got to do that
or you're gonna regret it
- your whole life, you know?
- [MISTY] Okay. So everything's done.
Um, if you have any problems,
your boss has my info.
Again, I'm-I'm really
sorry about everything.
- Yeah.
- Really, the nose and, you know.
But the tampons worked.
Your nose looks perfect.
[CARRIE] I think it looks
better than when I came in.
- [LAUGHS] It was fun, so
- Yeah.
You know, it was It wasn't good,
but it was good, you know?
- Right. Okay.
- All right.
- Bye. It's, um
- [MISTY] Yeah, sorry.
- Good night.
- You like her.
- I don't know her.
- You ask her out, I'll send in
- my college application.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Deal.
- Wait, what?
- Deal.
No, I was fucking around!
- No, you send that shit.
- Fuck.
Wow, she's doing it. Okay.
[SPUTTERS]
[UPBEAT, ENERGETIC MUSIC]
Okay. [SIGHS]
Holy shit, I did it.
- I did it. Did you do it?
- I did it.
- [SCREAMS]
- I did it!
- [LAUGHING]
- Can you believe it?
- No!
- Thursday night.
- You got a date.
- Well, no.
- It's not actually a date.
- What is it?
I sort of joined her bowling league.
I'm the newest member of
"I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter."
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] You know what?
Playing the long game. I'll take it.
[RADIO PLAYING]
Okay.
Mama, Gloria,
I'm heading out now.
Don't be late, Deb,
I've got a shift at 8:00.
Mama, it's me.
Remember, your sister Deb is in Florida.
Oh, right.
You never should've married him.
[RADIO ANNOUNCER] Speaking
of songs of yesterday,
here's Carly Simon with
her hit, "You Belong to Me."
["YOU BELONG TO ME"
BY CARLY SIMON PLAYING]
[PATTY] This is my song.
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS] She used to blast this song
in the car when she
would drive me to school.
Were you looking for my reaction? ♪
Like, lean out the
window smoking cigarettes.
It would piss all the
other moms off so much.
I believe it.
Carly Simon once bummed
a cigarette from me.
You never told me that. That is so cool!
There's certain things a mother
should never tell her daughter.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Come dance with me, come on.
I would love to.
You belong to me ♪
Tell her, tell her you were fooling ♪
You belong to me ♪
You don't even know her ♪
You belong to me ♪
Tell her that I love you ♪
You belong to me ♪
[SHANE] So you've been
working here how long?
Like six, seven months ish?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Surprised I hadn't met you.
- Well, you didn't look.
- I didn't know.
- Oh, okay.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, it didn't take
you that long to, like,
jump right back in.
- And you did that, so
- No, no, no, no, don't
You can't give me that kind of credit.
I was I was following your lead.
Mm.
["BAD" BY AZURE]
Come with me.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Red wine stained keys, a melody ♪
Suffocation of a broken heart ♪
Violently sweet, till I bleed ♪
Your cigarettes, they
linger on my mouth ♪
Oh, I never should have
let you call me baby ♪
It burns every time I hear it lately ♪
I've come undone ♪
Oh, I never thought I'd
drown in your ocean eyes ♪
A part of me lives on your bedside ♪
I don't know why I want you so bad ♪
Can't get you out of my head ♪
Maybe I'm crazy 'cause I
don't care if you hate me ♪
I don't know why I want you so bad ♪
Can't get you out of my head ♪
Maybe I'm crazy 'cause I
don't care if you hate me ♪
I don't know why I want you so bad ♪
Don't know why I want you so bad ♪
So, what-what is going
on between you two?
- Nothing.
- I can feel it, okay?
On the ambulance, our lips touched.
[STAMMERS] It was nothing.
- It was an accident.
- Are you trying to hurt me?
Of course I'm not trying to hurt you.
Okay, then, what we have is good.
- Why are you doing this?
- We have a good thing.
I'm just
- I'm confused.
- You're confused?
When I got hit
I saw Nat and the kids.
And not me.
I don't know what it means.
That's why I'm telling you.
What are you saying to me right now?
[SIGHS] I don't know, I need time.
Okay. You take your time.
I'm done.
[TAYLOR] And this all
happened in the backseat
of the family Astro van.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, shit. Um, you know what?
Uh, Miss Cho, could you
actually just forget I said that?
Oh, contestant three, I don't
think I can unring that bell.
There's no shame in masturbating
in the back of your family's car
as long as your family's not there.
[MARGARET] No shame at
all, three. No shame.
- For me there is a little.
- [BELL TINKLING]
Oh, you know what that bell means,
we have time for one last question.
- What do you think, Alice?
- I think I'm ready.
- Okay.
- It's very simple.
- [MARGARET] Yes.
- Why do you want to date me?
What's not to love?
Aww!
Smart, sexy and beautiful.
The full package.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
We should do this every episode.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Uh, well, they promised me
a coffee mug if I did the show, so
- [LOUD LAUGHTER]
- The free mug?
[LAUGHING] Wow. What do you say, Alice?
Loveable, full package, free mug.
And unlike women's
reproductive rights in America,
this choice is entirely yours.
- [MURMURED AGREEMENTS]
- [ALICE SIGHS]
I don't know, Margaret.
They're all so dateable.
[AUDIENCE YELLING NUMBERS]
Mm There's one person
that I would like to get to know better.
Contestant three, I choose you!
- [CONFETTI POPPING]
- [CHEERING]
[MARGARET] Contestant
three, come on down.
Two and one, uh, meet
me in my dressing room.
- You.
- It's me.
- [LAUGHS]
- The coffee stand.
Yeah.
- You're funny.
- [CHUCKLES] For a regular gal. Yeah.
[MARGARET] All right.
We're here, we're queer!
And we have love.
- Love is love is love!
- Love it.
Until the Supreme Court
takes that away from us, too.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]
And pee after sex,
everyone, don't forget!
Thank you so much for
having me, Alice, thank you.
Good night, everyone!
Are you okay?
No.
You can sleep on my couch, if you want.
No, I'm fine on my own.
[SIGHS] But you should
really let me drive.
Oh, don't worry, I
only had a couple sips.
I just mean you're a really bad driver.
[DANI] Fuck you! Fuck you!
- [NAT] Whoa!
- [GIGI] Jesus, what is
What is that?
- [GIGI] Can you please drive?
- Fuck you!
- They're my oranges!
- Yeah, go!
- [GIGI] Can you please drive?
- [NAT] Those are a gift!
- Nat, could you please drive?
- [NAT] I spent $20 on them.
I understand, could you please ?
- That was for my ex! Our ex.
- Jesus.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GROANS]
[PANTS]
[SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SLOW, FUNKY MUSIC]
[SOPHIE] so much.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Good job.
- [SIGHS]
- Been feeling defeated ♪
Oh, no ♪
Hey. What the hell happened to you?
This is the second time
that the person I wanted to
marry ran off with someone else.
Ha ha.
Oh orange?
- Yeah. Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
[GRUNTS]
Don't fall down, baby, don't fall down ♪
Don't fall, just ♪
- Hey, you're gonna be okay.
- Mm.
You got this. You'll bounce back.
You [CHUCKLES]
You're the most together person I know.
[SCOFFS] Not anymore.
- Turns out, that's you.
- [LAUGHS]
I don't mm, I don't know about that.
You're crushing at work.
Made it through rehab with Finley.
Been going through changes ♪
Oh ♪
Hey, um,
I was just gonna grab my
stuff and go home. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah. Me, too.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Threw it all away ♪
Everyone makes mistakes, yeah ♪
Oh, no, don't fall down ♪
Hey, uh
You want to come over?
Don't fall down, baby,
don't fall down ♪
Um Are you ?
Are you trying to get back
together with me right now?
- [LAUGHING]
- Because, um
No. No, no.
Not a fucking chance.
Yeah. I'll see you at the house then.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
See you later.
Things are gonna get better ♪
Things are gonna get better ♪
I was, like, this close to falling.
[LAUGHING] I was like
- Hey! We did it!
- [CHEERING]
[WHOOPING]
Great job, everybody. Great job.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey!
Are you-are you leaving?
The party's just getting started.
Yeah, yeah, I'm just gonna head home.
You don't want to cash
in on that big date?
[LAUGHS]
- Really, no, it's-it's okay.
- Oh.
I mean, hey, I-I got the free mug.
They threw in two extra T-shirts, so
- Nice.
- I'm good.
Yeah, that's enough.
- Hey, listen
- Yeah?
Really, congratulations on everything.
I mean, you should be
really proud of all of it.
Big chef's kiss for
you and your big night.
Um, you're not regular.
Yes, I am. [CHUCKLES]
Well, so am I.
There's a 45-foot
picture of you outside.
Okay, I've been you.
A long time ago, I dated someone famous
when I wasn't, so I know it's different.
But I'm just a person.
And I like your weird sense of humor.
You know, that's,
that's not the compliment
I think you think it is.
And you're cute.
Well, you know, I can't speak
to that one so much, so
Come on, one date. One regular date.
What do you say? Just
You can keep the T-shirts.
[CHUCKLES]
- I don't know about the mug.
- [LAUGHING]
I cannot believe I missed
Alice in a straitjacket.
- [LAUGHING]
- I know, and that Velcro target?
Oh, my God, that was a hit.
- It was so good.
- [SHRIEKS] I'm sure.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh.
[SOPHIE] Well, um, yeah, I think
- Shane's backstage somewhere
- Hey, Tess.
You showed up.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Yeah. [KISSES]
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh.
I would have been here sooner,
it's just my mom was having this, like,
- really amazing moment
- It's okay, it's okay.
- Yeah, it's okay.
- Okay.
Um
I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier.
All is forgiven.
Yeah.
But I think they wrapped,
didn't they, Sophie?
- [TESS] Oh.
- Yeah, we wrapped.
- [SHANE] Yeah.
- Yeah, but there's
there's a party.
I know, but I'm exhausted.
- Okay.
- Is that okay?
Can we just go home?
That's okay, let's go home.
- You sure?
- Yeah, let's go home.
I'm sorry you drove
all the way over here,
- but is that all right?
- No, it's fine.
Okay.
Thank you, Sophie.
[SOPHIE] Bye, guys, have a good night.
- Bye.
- Bye, Soph.
Bye.
Great show.
Uh
Uh, same-same to you.
'Cause I'd really, really miss ya ♪
So cool, cool, cool, baby, shake that ♪
You're the best in the
room, you don't have to try ♪
Show no fear when you cross the line ♪
Even when it rains,
you bring the shine ♪
- [MICAH] Hey.
- [FINLEY] What ? What'd I say?
Relax, I'm just going to get
something to drink, go to my room,
and you can have your
special night with Sophie.
- You'll be fine.
- Thank you.
- I love you.
- Yeah. You, too. Hey.
Hey, you know, if there's any
leftovers, that steak looks amazing.
It's chicken.
- Oh.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey.
- Hey!
- [CHUCKLES] What is this?
- We're celebrating.
- We are?
- Yeah.
- Your 100th episode.
- Aww.
And [KISSES]
- I applied to college.
- Stop.
- What? [LAUGHS]
- I know.
That's amazing.
- I know.
- I'm so excited for you.
So I thought we could,
you know, celebrate us,
and have a little
romantic dinner, and then,
- you know, maybe after
- Oh, okay.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi. [LAUGHS]
- Hi.
- Hey. Sorry.
[QUIETLY] I tried to call
you. Gigi broke up with her.
Figured I'd come piss in
your hallway for a change.
[FINLEY] Oh.
I mean, if that'd be helpful,
by all means, please do.
Truce?
Now what I really want to do
is pull you into a big old hug.
- You shouldn't do that. Yeah.
- And I won't.
[GASPS] Is that cake?
- Yes, it is.
- [MICAH] I heard Dani.
Which means it's not a date night.
- Not anymore.
- I want some of that cake.
- Wait, you made cake?
- [LAUGHING] No.
I was with the, uh, plumber all day.
But I picked up tres leches,
and I also found out what
the tres leches were today.
Uh, what did you think they were before?
Mmm.
Cow, goat and breast.
- Wow.
- No.
[LAUGHING]
So, you thought they put breast milk ?
Ooh, there's got to be ♪
Something more out there for me ♪
Ooh, I've got to keep my head up ♪
Keep my head up ♪
Ooh, there's nothing like ♪
Rising up after the fight ♪
Ooh, I've got to keep my head up ♪