The League of Gentlemen (1999) s03e03 Episode Script

(SHOUTING) ("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME) (LOCK BEEPS) (MAN) I said Wednesday! - Geoff? - I haven't got it.
Go away! Geoff, it's me, Mike.
- What you doin' here? - Can I come in? Yeah.
Come in.
Sit down.
Justshift them grenades.
Er Does it smell in here? - A little bit.
- It's them bins.
I'm scared to take 'em down.
Drink? Yeah, thanks.
Get you a napkin.
There we are.
All nice and posh, look.
So What do you want? I suppose you've heard the rumours in the office? - About Brian getting bummed? - No.
- By who? - Some bin men.
No, it's about the cutbacks they're making in York.
- What about 'em? - You know, don't you, that head office is scaling down injection moulding and putting more resources into absorbents? I know there's a head office.
Right.
Well, the knock-on effect is I've got to let someone go.
- Mike, no! - This is so hard - You can't break up the team.
- I know - Do you want me to tell him? - Eh? Brian.
Less of a blow coming from me.
No, Geoff It's you.
- What? - I'm having to let you go.
- Me?! What have I ever done? - Very little, Geoff - Who's replacing me? Cheryl? - Nobody's replacing Your mum? Oh, she's dead.
Mine's not! - I can talk to Burnley - I'm not goin' to Burnley! What can I say, then? I've been to York on bended knees.
- That's all right, pal.
- I've tried everything.
Don't worry about it.
Job done.
Thanks for comin'.
On your day off.
Do you get extra? No! Just petrol money.
- If there's anything I can - Don't worry about me.
"Always have a back-up plan," they said in TAs.
'Ere we go.
I'll speak to my mate Don in London.
- He says he'd get me work.
- Well, great.
- The London plastics scene - Why would I do plastics? So what you gonna do? Comedy.
- What? - Stand-up comedy.
He runs a big, massive club.
Says he can get me a slot any time.
I'm gonna be famous.
How about that? That's great, Geoff.
- Just don't tell 'em "Mau-Mau".
- Get out! (BEEP) Don, it's Geoff here.
Geoff Tipps from TAs, you remember? I'm on me way to London now to make me fortune.
I've been working on me comedy act.
I'm all set, so get me booked in at your club.
I'll see you tonight.
I'll meet you at London Station at half past or teatime.
I'll see you, anyway.
Go to Euston Square and jump on the Metropolitan Line.
Change at Baker Street, then get off at Kilburn.
In fact, get on the Hammersmith & City Line to Paddington, then get on the Bakerloo Line and get off at Kilburn Park.
Right, and that'll bring me out in London, will it? - You're in London now.
- Oh, yeah.
Er Well, thanks for the lift.
Yeah, good luck with your comedy act.
- Thank you.
- You're gonna need it.
(INAUDIBLE) (MAN) This is Johnny.
He has no friends or legs.
Why do you hate me? I'm no different to you.
I'm stronger than Superman in my own way.
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) How can you be Superman? You can't walk, never mind fly.
- You freeze there.
- Yeah.
I just did.
- What is it? - "But I'm flying" But I'm flying in here.
I can do anything in here.
Go anywhere Be .
.
anyone.
My heart isn't disabled.
You can't take that away from me.
Who says that I can't reachfor the stars?! Dave, should the stick of ignorance be yellow? - I dunno.
- It'd clarify the character, the whole yellow-bellied coward thing.
- What about my character? - It's good, but I'm finding it hard not to hate you.
Maybe if you added a stutter, you'd be more sympathetic? Oh, so being paraplegic isn't quite enough? The play's about all kinds of handicapped.
- It's called "Vegetable Soup".
- I don't think that's right.
Fine.
"Joey and the Wheelies".
Now, this extended improv - (GROANS) I'm not doing that.
- What? Pretending to be disabled all afternoon.
- I'm meeting someone for lunch.
- That's the point.
Real disabled people can't meet for lunch, can they? - Yeah.
- Why do we have to do it? Stanislavsky? Method acting? What's your emotional memory of someone wiping your bum? - Don't ask him that! - We have to get under the skin.
Be grateful it's not my play about eczema - "Scratch Patch".
- Oh, what do we do, then? - You're going to have polio.
Dave, you're going to be deaf-blind, one word.
- You're deaf and blind.
- Why can't Phil be deaf-blind? - Because I've got polio.
- I'll have polio, then.
Right, you've lost your tongue.
You're mute, as well.
- Oh, come on - Mmm-mmm-mmm! You can start with the Getty.
In character, please.
Make sure he doesn't speak.
You have to find other ways of communicating now.
Here we are, Geoffrey.
Welcome to the Salmon of Knowledge.
I was beginning to think you'd got cold feet.
No, I was just sightseeing.
St Paul's and all that.
Ah.
So, you've packed in your wee job, have you? Well, the whole world of plastics is so see-through.
This is where I want to be, in front of that crowd, getting that buzz.
- Is this the way to the stage? - (LAUGHS) This is the stage.
You're on it.
- It's just a room above a pub! - You've got to start somewhere.
I thought it'd be "The Good Old Days".
All hats an' that.
We get some important people in here, directors and such.
- Like who? - Ollie Plimsolls.
Who? Geoffrey, if you want to get your wee face on telly, you've come to the right place.
Oh, no signal! God, I hate London sometimes.
If it wasn't for Starbucks, it'd be, "Bye, England.
You are the weakest link.
" - Do you know what I mean? - I think so.
I think, "Go to India and live on a kibbutz.
" - You mean Israel? - Yeah, but all the bummings That's pretty.
How much is that? 35 squids?! Piss off! You can get these in India for like 1p or something.
Camden's such a rip-off.
I love it.
Can you smell spliff? Anyway, you, how are you? I ain't seen you in the longest.
Isn't Tish your friend any more? Sorry, Tish.
I've been a bit low recently.
I love gay guys! You're so vulnerable, yet unthreatening.
Do you know what I mean? So, how's your love life? - Since Rob and I split up - Oh, before I forget - and I really want to hear this story - can I bum a ciggy? - I don't smoke.
- Oh, that's the other one.
I'm blobbing, so it's like, "Give me nicotine, caffeine.
"Chill out, babe.
" Do you know what I mean? Oh! I love gay guys.
You can talk about blobbing and boys, Iike you're with a girlfriend.
Come on.
Goss, goss, goss! I just find it hard since Robert left.
Oh, darling! Don't! Come here.
Let me give you a snuggle.
Mwah! Me wish you were straight man.
Me would sleep with you and have your babies.
Hey, let's do the Bridget Jones thing - order a bottle of red Chardonnay and slag men off! - I've got to get back to work.
- Oh, boring, boring.
- Is that my moby? - (PHONE RINGS) Oh, it's my friend Scott.
I'd better get it.
Hi, Scott, babes.
He's gay.
You can fuck him.
Where am I? Where are YOU? I'm outside Bruce's at the Lock.
I'm with Phil, the actor.
Yeah, that's him.
Scott saw you die in "Family Affairs".
Oh, don't be nasty, Scott.
That's TV, it adds ten pounds.
He does not! Scott says you look like that queer off "Gimme, Gimme".
OK, have a look, but bring a straight guy for me.
Where are you, then? Oh, I see you.
Hoo-hoo! I'm so jel of you gay guys.
You can sleep with each other.
That's the beauty of Camden.
You can be an individual.
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! This is my friend Phil Oh, shit.
Where's he gone? Gordon Brown taxes the poor Gordon Brown, he's such a bore Biting his nails, decentralizing Wales His budget fails, poor Gordon Brown (APPLAUSE) Schizophrenics there, ladies and gentlemen Your face.
I nearly went! - I know.
It was corpse city.
- A lot of pros in tonight.
- I thought it was more joes.
- No, they papered it.
- Was it papered? - You know who was here? - The one in the black coat? - Yeah.
Jed Hunter.
No! - He did those Greenwoods ads? - "Scoobeev, got any oran doov??" - Yeah! Front row.
- Oh, don't tell me that! You'll be fine.
It's a really friendly crowd.
OK, next up tonight, an old mate of mine.
You're gonna love him.
Give a big hand for Geoff Tipps.
Just sort meself.
God, who's been stood here, bloody Giant Haystacks? Me old mate Don.
(Bummers are deaf.
) Got him! Anyway, I'm Geoff Tipps.
First time in London, the Big Smoke.
You can tell you're in London.
As you drive down the motorway, the cars get bigger.
Not like Royston Vasey.
Even though the cars are small, the blokes think they're driving Range Rovers.
Big blokes driving round in their Reliant Robins, windows down, stubbing fags out on their girlfriends' arms, tattoos, radio blasting out, and it's like No? Not noticed.
Never mind.
Maybe you haven't been to Vasey.
What else? I'm sweating.
People in London, have you noticed them? Well, you are thembut it's funny Not to you, but What was I saying? Oh, yeah, the tubes.
There's a law.
You can't look at anybody.
No smoking, no staring.
"Don't look, I'll turn to stone.
" Medusa's sat there or something.
That divide, in't it? Northerners are generally more friendly than you lot.
For instance, that Reliant Robin stuff I did, they'd cheer, but you lot are like, "Is that the best he??" You need Doris Stokes to get through to you lot.
Is there anybody there? Knock three times! (THREE KNOCKS, WOMAN LAUGHS) Clever London people, aren't you? What do you know about Reliant Robins? Big mistake, Don.
Big mistake.
He said you'd laugh.
I knew you wouldn't.
So, why do you bother? Why bother coming out if you're not gonna laugh? Do you think, "I fancy a quiet night.
I'll go to a library.
"No, I'll go to the Salmon of Knowledge.
Geoff Tipps is on, "Don's mate from Vasey.
" 'Cause it's easy, this.
You could do better.
I'm just crap.
- Get off, then.
- I will! - Hooray! - Oh, fuck off! Where you goin'? Scoobeev! Scoobeev! That it? Seen enough, have you, Mr Director? Can't wait till the end? That shit, am I? Ah, shame! I tell you what, you fuckin' do it, then, Mr Talent-Spotter, Advert Man! Go and make more money! Go on! Oh! Turn the lights off! Get rid of him! Very clever! Are you pleased?! Er, Geoff Tipps, ladies and gentlemen.
(SIGHS) He got a telegram from the Queen.
His jokes are exactly 100 years old today.
(FLY UNZIPS, TRICKLING) (FLY ZIPS, TOILET FLUSHES) (FOOTSTEPS) (WOMAN) Going to bed now, love? (MAN) Yeah.
Night-night.
- (WOMAN) Night-night.
- Night- night.
(MAN AND WOMAN) Night-night.
- (FOREIGN MAN) Reception? - How much is a phone call? - Local or national call? - National.
- £2 a unit.
- Well, local.
- £2 a unit.
- What's a unit? - £2.
- Right.
Go on, then.
(DIALS) (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Don, it's me, Geoff.
- Hiya, Geoff.
- What you doin'? Just having a curry and a glass of champagne.
Sounds good.
Listen, Don, I'm sorry about the other night.
I don't know what went wrong.
It was that Reliant Robin stuff.
- Don't worry.
- Thanks.
You're a good friend.
- Can I borrow some money? - What? Money.
Everything's too dear in London.
This is £2 a unit.
Er Listen, Geoffrey, you need to find yourself a job.
I can't.
I haven't got any skills.
- Well, look.
Can you drive? - That's not a skill.
It is to me.
I just bought meself a car for the wife.
Surprise birthday present.
I need to get it from Ilford.
- There's 50 quid in it for you.
- It's miles away.
(MAN) No, it's not that far.
(WOMAN) And it is 50 quid.
- Go on.
Gi's the address.
- OK.
Right.
Here we are, then.
Disabled people in a world geared to the able-bodied.
- What's your disability? - I've got M.
E.
I'm really tired.
I want to look at the positive aspects of disability.
There may not be any, but there's a lot of negative connotations.
"DISabled", "DOWN'S syndrome".
Why not "UP syndrome"? Because it was discovered by John Langden Down.
Well, he's done a lot of damage.
The first exercise is to cope with everyday situations like shopping.
Dave, you can't see, speak or hear.
Go and buy a cream cake.
You want me to bump into things and make a dick of myself? Partly.
Go with the flow.
Stop blocking the improv.
- You're not taking me in? - Too much hassle.
- Can I help you, love? - Yes, please.
I He can't hear you.
He's deaf-blind, one word.
OK.
Lesley, have you got them Braille menus? Don't help him! He's got to come in for a cake and leave with a sausage roll.
- So he wants a cream cake? - I don't know.
He can't speak.
- He can point at it.
- What are you pointing at? - Cake.
- How do you know what cake is? You could be pointing at a brick.
This is a cake shop.
Is anyone with the bloke in the wheelchair? - Yes.
I am.
- He's fallen onto the pavement.
- He's all right.
Leave him.
- He don't look all right.
Stay there, you.
Don't you sell him anything.
Move! - Cream cake, love? - Yes, please.
- Phil, on your feet.
- Fallen.
- Fallen on the floor.
- Talk properly! - He's just started this.
- If you give me a hand - Leave him! He's only acting! - He's a bloody good actor.
He's not! Get up! This isn't your exercise.
It's Dave's.
- What's happening? - Oh, give me that cake! - Cake! - Is he all right? - He won't get up.
- Help me! No, you stay there all day! I'm sick of pushing you! - You ain't gonna leave him? - He can walk, you idiot! - You're not leavin' him! - Unless you know improvisation, I suggest you keep your fat, broken nose out of it! - Why did you say that? - I don't know.
(LAUGHS) Go on, my son! I'm outside the hotel.
I'll drop it off this avvy.
(DON) Good man.
I owe you one.
Actually, the wife works down in Threadneedle Street, not too far from your hotel.
Why don 't I meet you about four? Yeah, all right.
Don 't let anyone see you.
It's a surprise, remember.
- Geoff? - Gotta go.
I 'll see you later.
- Mike, what are you doin' here? - I 'm lookin' for you.
- What's all this wit' car? - I've just picked it up.
- What you doin' here? - Bloody 'ell! I can't believe you've actually done it.
Don't sound so surprised.
Greasy fingers.
You've not been here a week.
There can't be this much money in stand-up comedy.
Yeah, butthere is in adverts.
- You're not doin' an advert?! - I am.
With that, erNed Huntem, that directs them Greenwoods ads.
Not, "Scoobeev! Anybody godany bokle oran doov??" Yeah.
So, if you'll excuse me, Mike, this is London.
I've got loads to do.
That was me agent faxing some e-mails.
So So What? You've got an agent? Yeah.
Agent, promoter, the lot.
I told you I'd get on telly.
How come they've got you staying in this shithole? They've put me here to write.
You get all the paparazzi otherwise.
You come to places like this to avoid the publicglaze.
- I even get a pseudolin.
- Oh.
Your key, Mr Tipps.
Obviously, he knows from my credit cards an' that.
- What do you want, anyway? - It's irrelevant, really, now.
What? I came to offer you your job back.
- Checking out today, sir? - Yeah, I think so.
What? It's Brian.
He's done a runner, so I'm a man short.
- Oh, well, I - Jesus! As if you care now! Look at you! - I know.
- Your bill, sir.
- You know the pathetic thing? - What? I was gonna give you a company car.
- You were? - Brand-new Polo.
- GLX? - Yeah.
Anyway, when can I see your act? Are you on tonight? Yeah, I am.
Well, no.
I am, but they've papered it, so it's more Joe than trade.
Well, we'll have to wait till you're on telly, then.
Don't forget your bill.
Jesus! How much?! Hoo-hoo! Different world, innit? There you go.
See you, pal.
Don't forget us if you come back up north.
Ta-ta, Geoff.
So, you're a famous man, then, Mr Tipps? No.
You see these big blokes in their Reliant Robins - one arm out the window, radio blasting out, stubbing fags out on their girlfriends' arms What else? Oh, the tubes.
The tubes! There's like a law on the tubes.
No smoking.
No staring.
"Don't look at me.
I'll turn into stone!" Medusa sat there or somethin'.
And what about the price of beer? £5.
80?! £2.
10 in Vasey Con Club! (APPLAUSE) You know, ladies and gentlemen, it's funny you're laughing now, because the first time I did this act, it absolutely bombed.
The car bomb exploded just after rush hour, but miraculously no one was seriously injured.
The police have confirmed that there was no coded warning and no terrorist group has admitted to the attack.
The Bank of England is nearby on Threadneedle Street (DON) The wife works on Threadneedle Street.
It's not far from your hotel.
(REPORTER) We know that an Audi TT like this one was bought in Ilford by a man in his forties.
- Police issued this photofit.
- (MAN) God, he's ugly! - Shut up! - Police want to question him.
(GASPS) Oh! Fat nose?! (BUZZER) - (MAN) What? - Is Don there? It's six o'clock in the morning.
I know, but I 'm a man and I want to talk to Don! Don's gone.
He resigned two days ago.
Now piss off! Oi! That's our van! Dave! Phil! Quick! What the? Someone! Someone's stealing Bessie! (MUMBLES) - (MIKE) Who is this? - (MUMBLES) - It's me, Geoff.
- Geoff! How's it goin'? I'm all right.
I'm back in Vasey to write some material, and I was justprepondering upon that, umproposition.
That open vacancy, would that still be a valid consideration? - What you on about? - Can I have me old job back? I'd be delighted.
Brian's gone completely AWOL now.
Good.
I need to lay low for a while.
I was talking to that Lenny Henry.
It's always the best way to get new ideas.
- Hey, we saw you on the telly! - What?! We had the sound off, 'cause we were having our tea, - but it did look very funny.
- (GEOFF) Oh, no! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS IN PAIN) (SIRENS WAIL) Mike, I can still work on Monday.
Don't try and talk.
You have serious facial injuries, Mr Tipps.
- We'll have to operate.
- But he's an actor! When we've finished, his own mother won't recognise him.
Oh, good!