The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s03e03 Episode Script

Now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman ran away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive - Rodney, don't throw the cans off the roof.
- Yeah? Holy shit, am I drunk.
Oh man.
Can I make a toast? Can I make a toast? - Yes.
- Do it.
- Good toast, Tim.
- Nice toast.
I don't remember.
I don't even remember.
What was I gonna say? Yo, Amy.
What are you guys doing up here? Party.
Partying.
Okay.
Come on, it's the weekend.
Sit on Tim's lap, grab a beer, take your top off.
I'm pretty sober, but thanks.
Get her a Margarita.
What--? We got-- all right, we got just-- we got sour mix.
This is pathetic.
Rodney, don't piss-- don't piss on the roof.
Come on.
- Not in front of Amy.
- Sorry, can't hold it.
- Not in front of Amy.
- I need to clear out some room.
- That's where I lay usually.
- You want a beer and sour mix? Look, I'm ghost-riding my dong, not even touching it.
Where do I begin to apologize? totally wasted.
I know things were said that can't be taken back.
You've got to find some work, Tim.
Omnicorp is not giving me good recommendations.
They keep telling people I tried to titty-fuck someone.
Could we not talk about that? I'm just telling you.
I'm explaining why it's moving slowly.
Have you thought about pine Glen? - Where I used to caddy? - Yeah.
- Have you? - What do you mean, have you? I'm a grown man.
- Are you? - Holy shit.
I just think you getting outside and making some money would be sort of like a confidence booster.
You're really-- you're really talking down to me, both physically and figuratively.
- Hey, Frank, right? - Yeah.
I don't know if you remember me.
I used to-- I used to caddy here in high school.
Oh my God.
Tim, is that you? - You remember.
- How could I forget the greatest caddy who ever slouched on these hallowed fairways? I didn't slouch, but that's great that you remember me.
If ever one man was meant to carry another man's bag.
It was you.
That's a weird way to phrase a compliment.
I can't wait to see you in action again.
You haven't lost it, have you? The ability to walk and carry things? Yeah, you were just born to caddy.
- Well - You had the complete package, kid-- Subservience, lack of ambition, obsequiousness.
Obsequiousness? I don't know what that means.
Well, why would you? You're a caddy.
Welcome home.
This is great.
Wow, a trip down memory lane.
All right, whoa.
What the fuck do you think you're doing? Hey, Uncle Lou? Uncle Lou? You don't call me Uncle Lou.
Give me a hug, you crazy son of a bitch.
Who the hell are you, you call me Uncle Lou? Why? That's your name.
To you my name is Louis.
And these folding chairs here-- they're for senior-level caddies.
You sit on the bench, kid.
- On the bench it is.
- All right.
Although you have to admit I should probably be considered senior level at this point.
I worked here in high school, remember? Whee! Nobody cares.
Listen, don't feel threatened.
I'm just here to get a little exercise.
You're here to caddy for the exercise? Is that what you're telling me? - It's a good workout.
- Jesus Christ, that makes me sick.
- Makes you sick? - That makes me sick.
- Between you and me - Yeah.
- I'm just screwing around here.
- I see.
- Just look at me like I'm one of these high school kids.
- Okay.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Don't compare yourself to us.
Oh.
Why? We've got futures.
You're a loser.
- What do you mean? I'm killing it.
- Are you? I'm in Manhattan making things happen every day.
I don't like your tone.
You're saying to me - that you're above being a caddy - I didn't say that.
that you're some big shot, that you're some big guy.
I just said I'm here for some exercise.
- Excuse me.
- Oh my God.
- You know what you are? - A cool guy? - You are a son of a bitch - I'm a son of a bitch.
a guaranteed son of a bitch.
- You're a piece of shit.
- There you go.
- Who are you? Who's this guy? - You're a piece of shit.
I'm another guy, man.
I'm another caddy.
- I like him.
- He's a fellow caddy.
- This is a good guy.
- I did not expect this kind of reception.
Tim, you're up on the first tee.
Oh great.
Thank you.
Hey, Lou, see who's back? Tim.
Yeah, I saw that, Frank.
No one cares.
So I recommend just slapping the driver down the middle here.
- Good man.
- Nice nice.
Wait, Tim, is that you? Oh.
No.
- It's me-- Paul.
- Do I know you? Yeah, we went to grammar school together and junior high and high school and college.
- Oh, that's right.
- We've known each other for 20 years, come on.
We have known each other our whole lives.
- How's it going, man? - Amazing.
Cool.
So this is your thing? You're doing the caddy thing? Oh, no, I'm not caddying, no - Okay, yeah.
- Not as a job.
But you are our caddy, right? - You're caddying for us? - I'm gonna carry your bags.
- Oh, okay.
- I'm not a caddy though.
I'm still just circulating in the corporate world-- in that whole arena.
Wow, so you threw your hat in that arena.
That's great.
Mm-hmm, Manhattan midtown, that whole-- Oh yeah yeah.
You're flying high.
You're real busy - Suits, keeping-- - And just caddying today.
- Suits and whatnot.
- Busy boy.
Busy boy.
You're a busy busy boy.
Let's tee off.
Let's tee off.
Sure, yeah, and then afterwards, you know, come get a drink with us.
Who knows? There might be something for you at the company.
- You're serious? - Sure.
I'm not really looking, but-- Well, obviously you're busy circulating in the corporate arena.
Yeah, you're circulating in the corporate arena and meanwhile caddying on a Tuesday.
Oh wow, that was exhausting.
Aww, are you tired, baby? - What? - Gonna run home to your mommy, have her change your diaper? None of those things.
Whaa! I'm Tim.
You're one of the more annoying kids I've ever met.
You're just gonna run home, have your mommy change your diaper, aren't you? - You really think I'm gonna do that? - I think so.
I'm not gonna see my mother until the holidays.
- Pussy boy here.
- I don't appreciate that.
- Pussy boy couldn't hack caddying.
- That's right.
Honestly, if you must know, Frank said I'm one of the best ever.
- Bullshit.
- What? Are you kidding me? - He said he wants me back full-time.
- Bullshit.
- I said I've got other opport-- I said I've got-- - Bullshit.
Yeah yeah.
Caddy off right here, right now.
- Caddy off.
- Caddy off? Caddy off, caddy off, caddy off, caddy off.
- Whoa whoa, shut up, shut up, shut up.
- You're grown men.
Shut up.
All right, caddy off.
That's great, gentlemen.
- Caddy off? - A test of our caddying skills.
Sure.
All right, fine.
What do you want to play for? We're gonna play for the same as we always play for.
- What? - A Dr.
Pepper? Loser has to strip naked, fuck the 18th hole.
You're supposed to be the authority figure - in this group.
- Correct.
Okay, go.
That's it.
Wash those balls.
Trent, you won that one.
Tim.
- How many tees? - 72 tees.
And advantage-- Tim.
It's a six-iron.
I'm gonna say it's a seven.
Tim, you're the winner.
Damn you, graphite shaft.
- Down goes the 14-year-old.
- Oh God.
Trent, you disappoint me, son.
Come on.
Hey, I wanted the asshole to lose.
What can I tell you? Could you just make sure Frank's not looking, okay? Just do what you gotta do.
Oh my God, he's doing it.
Really, that's fucked up.
That's not right.
God.
You know what you should do? You should film it.
- You think so? - Yeah.
- That's not messed up? - Do it.
Hey, Trent, smile for the camera.
Oh God, really? That's good.
I got it on film.
That's funny.
- That is funny.
- Fantastic.
I love that.
I tell you what-- send me the video.
My number is 917-555-0193.
You got it? All right, two seconds.
I just sent it.
- Good, then you're fucked.
- What--? What? I got a surveillance video of you making a pornographic video of a minor.
And now I've got a copy of it that you just sent me.
What are you talking about? I'm getting out of here.
I've got a business meeting.
We got you, man.
Making kiddie-porn is one thing, but once you distribute it, you're toast.
I don't think fucking a golf hole counts.
You distributed it.
Don't you understand that? You're a pornographer, dude.
No, you guys all saw as witnesses that's not what happened.
Oh, but we'd all testify against you.
We'd take you down hard, man.
We're fucked up.
So what do you want from me? What I want is you to be humble.
You're gonna be my personal caddy for a day.
- Absolutely not.
- Yes.
- I don't have time.
- No? - I've got a full agenda.
- Sure.
- Please don't.
- I tell you what-- That'll make the video go away.
This is ridiculous.
You people are really just messed up on so many levels.
Banana.
- Banana? - Yeah.
- Is that a knock-knock joke? - Banana.
Banana who? - Give me a banana.
- Oh, you want a banana.
- Yeah.
- Oh oh, all right.
Oh yeah.
Mm, oh, God damn it.
That's fucking disgusting.
Mm.
You know what? Here's your keys.
I'll see you around.
- Whoa whoa, kid, kid.
- Talk to you later.
Hey, where do you think you're going? You ain't finished with me yet.
Come on, I gotta meet someone in the clubhouse for a drink.
You know, what you gotta do is you need to get in the truck.
That's what you gotta do.
- I'm not getting in the truck.
- Yeah, you are.
- Just get in the truck.
- I'm gonna die if I get in the truck.
- Get in the truck.
- Where are we gonna go? We're gonna go someplace you're gonna enjoy.
That's the scariest sentence I've ever heard.
Oh my God, where are we? Well, home sweet home is where we are.
All right, let's just do this.
What do you need me to carry? Shh, there's a possum over there.
- Want to feed him? - A little son of a bitch.
- Hand me the gun.
- Oh no.
- Just give it to me.
- I'm not helping you kill a possum, Lou.
Yeah, 'cause that's what caddies do, kid.
- Caddies don't kill possums.
- They hand me the gun.
Oh, I got him! You see that son of a bitch? I got him.
Who are you? I'm gonna go fetch the possum, right, and get started on the stew.
You start chopping that wood for the fire, boy.
You chop it up.
And that's as weird as it's gonna get? And I want you to watch out for the rattlers too.
This place is lousy with them.
How is it we're only What's the deal with that Tim guy? Oh, I don't know.
We grew up together.
I feel sorry for him.
Why? He's just had a stretch of bad luck.
In grade school he killed a bum by feeding him a leftover tuna sandwich that had gone bad.
- You're kidding.
- Then in high school he invited a crack whore to the prom.
She ended up giving hand jobs to everyone in the bathroom.
- Oh.
- But it wasn't a good hand job.
- Oh, I know what you mean.
- Yeah, it was crazy.
I think she bit a kid.
Why would you want to hire a guy like that? I guess I like to give people shots.
But now that he's blown me off, I'm kind of done.
Well, I'm sure he has a great excuse.
Fuck, I love chopping wood.
Oh, that is good exercise.
- Oh, hello.
- Hey.
- Hey you.
- Hey, are you still at the club? - The club? - Yeah, the clubhouse.
- I'm at-- I'm at a house.
- How is it going? Eh, I'm definitely getting exercise.
That much-- that much I can say.
And, I mean, that was sort of the point-- exercise It's a pretty roundabout way to get a workout, but-- - Wait, is that a banjo? - A banjo? No.
Come on in, son.
Vittles are ready.
Let's go.
I gotta go.
Listen, I'm at a country club.
I gotta go.
Okay okay, bye.
Listen, I gotta get back to the club.
No, you don't gotta get back anywhere, 'cause I got some chores I need you to do, just a couple of chores.
- You know what? Enough.
The wood is chopped.
- No, it's not enough.
- - You want the world to know you're a child pornographer? Ow! - Are you okay? - I'm bit.
I'm bit! Oh, Jesus Christ! - Somebody bit me.
- The possum? The possum? No, the rattler.
All right, there's a vial of antivenom in the house.
Go get it, Tim.
Before I do, can I just confirm that you'll destroy the surveillance video? Destroy what? Yes, whatever.
You promise you'll destroy the video I texted you? I promise, Timmy.
I-- I-- - Don't whisper.
- Please, I swear You said you swear? I can't believe that son of a bitch is dead.
Hey, listen, do not be hard on yourself here.
You got him the antivenom as fast as you could.
These snakebites move fast.
Mm-hmm.
You know, hey, it's easy to beat up on yourself.
I know, believe me.
I've had a lot of people die on me-- a lot of people.
And it's true-- probably if you'd got him the antivenom 30 seconds sooner, he probably would have lived.
You know what? That's true.
That's a fact.
But you did the best you could, right? Mm-hmm.
Then live the rest of your life unburdened.
- All right? That's my gift to you.
- Thank you.
All right, well, I gotta get this dead body to the dump.
Say, has anyone seen Lou? 30 years-- he's never just no-showed.
- No.
- Get the fuck out.
He's not here? - Yeah, it's weird.
- Hmm.
Hey, by the way, you shouldn't let Lou fuck with you.
- What do you mean? - Well, first of all, the security cameras here haven't worked for years.
- Oh.
- And old Lou-- he doesn't even have a cell phone.
He told me he did.
No, he's fucking weird.
It's just part of his job.
And I think he was offended when you said you were caddying for the exercise.
Oh.
You have to admit though, between you and me, it is a good workout.
Yeah, look at the shape I'm in.
No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
Stu is in heaven he's looked so long for heaven, here it is.
That's smoked chipotle right there.
Smoked chipotles what that would sound like if this sausage could talk.
Here, try this-- turkey cilantro.
I'm a turkey cilantro sausage.
- Mm! - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Goodbye.
- Excuse me? - I'm onto you.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Whenever we have free samples here, you walk around here for about an hour with an empty cart and you come and eat all the samples.
And as soon as the samples are out, you leave and you don't buy anything.
I didn't know the gestapo was back in business.
The gestapo was never a business, okay? It was a branch of the military under Nazi Germany.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
- And I am nothing like that.
Okay, s.
S.
, why don't you send me off to the camp - Okay, that's-- - Where I can't eat-- with no rights.
Look at this.
- Uh - This is lunch for him.
This is not lunch.
This is dinner.
- Thank you.
- You know what? Why don't I talk to him? - I'll be able to work this out.
- Why don't you go ba--? There's a spill in aisle 10.
There's nothing in aisle 10 that could possibly spill.
- Oh really? - You don't know what you're talking about.
Stay out of my business.
That guy.
- What a downer.
- Wow.
I'm putting on a good face, but inside I'm really hurt.
Well, listen, let me try and cheer you up a little bit.
I don't hold these events often and I'm very particular about who I invite, - but I feel something special about you.
- Really? How would you like to make sausages your job? Would I be eating the sausages for my job? No, you'd be selling them.
Hmm, almost amazing, but not at all, is what I would say to that.
Okay, you get a case of gourmet sausages if you come to this event.
- I just came in my pants.
- Right? No, literally.
This is not a metaphor.
No no no, I know.
I get it.
I get you.
- Why are we in New Jersey? - Yeah, Stu.
- What? - You said we were going to your friend's party.
- Yeah.
- We're at a radisson.
So the guy is not exactly my friend and it's not exactly a party, but I can guarantee that you are gonna be glad you came.
What? What the hell? Oh man! I'm pumped up, bros! What's up, New Jersey, huh? Let's go, weehawken.
- What the hell is this? - We each get a free case of sausages for showing up, so you're welcome.
If you're here tonight, it's for three reasons: You love cash, you got a big dick, and you love motherfucking sausages! Right? Right? Yeah! Oh man.
I admit, this is a bit bizarre.
I admit that.
Let's rock 'n' roll tonight.
How's everybody doing, huh? You guys want to make some money? Yeah.
You want to get laid? - Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
Who doesn't? Well, what's the best way to do that, huh? Meet somebody that-- meet somebody.
Wrong! Fucking sausages, man.
Say it.
Sausages.
Sausages.
Say "sausages" again.
Sausages.
Sausages.
Say "fucking sausage" from your dick.
Say it from your dick.
- Fucking sausage.
- Yeah, that's better.
That was it.
So much explaining to do, Stu.
There's gonna be a discussion tomorrow.
Oh my God, your dad is killing me with his veiled comments about not having a job.
It's really inappropriate dinner talk.
Just ignore him.
I'm so impressed by bathroom attendants.
- There he is.
- Mm-hmm.
Tim - Take a piss? - Do you admire bathroom attendants? I have nothing against them.
Doing a job they hate simply because they need the work.
- All working hard.
- Tim, do me a favor? Do you have to take a pee? Go in there and watch that guy work.
All right, he's a hard worker.
For 25 years I've had a job I absolutely hate - for a boss who doesn't appreciate me.
- It's true.
You think I do that because it's fun? Doesn't sound like fun.
But I did it, and that guy's doing it.
I tell you what-- it's impressive.
Let's bring that guy out to the table.
We should buy him dinner.
I feel like we should change the subject.
You want to talk about the bread? Excuse me, sir, but your credit card has been denied.
No, I always pay.
That should be good.
- They'd like to talk to you.
- Talk to me? Pardon my reach.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello, is this Tim? - Yeah.
Tim, hi.
This is Irene from Visa Collections.
- Yeah.
- Sir, this is a courtesy call because you haven't paid your bill.
I'm gonna mail it on Monday.
You've made a series of imprudent charges lately.
Let's just start with the recent purchase of a Coney Island all-day unlimited ride fun pass.
Can I-- can I say something? Absolutely, sir.
Go ahead.
- I've got dessert coming.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Can you hang up on her? - She's still talking, sir.
You know, you got the balls to spend money at Coney Island when you can't pay your bills? Were you educated at all? I'm begging you to hang up the phone.
- Wow, you got balls.
- I'll hang it up.
I don't know what that was all about.
Tell me if this sounds like fun though-- you guys want to dine and dash? - You ever do that for fun? - Tim, what's going on? You run away, run down the block.
Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Tim.
Sure.
I like scones.
I like coffee.
I'm sorry, this is awkward for me.
I just-- I have to get something off my chest and I just-- please don't tell Amy I said this, - but I really do-- - You're gay? You're gay? No, I'm not gay.
I just-- I was gonna say I think you should break up with my daughter.
- Break up? - Maybe when you get a job, - you could start dating again.
- What? Why would I break up? You don't have a job, son.
I have a job.
What makes you think I don't have a job? You didn't mention any job last night.
I didn't want to rub it in your face.
You seemed like you were miserable.
You were bragging about how you hate going in and you love taking it up the ass and-- You're not just saying that because I--? - You want to see where I work? - Okay.
Check out this four-color pamphlet.
Oh, sausages.
I make my own hours.
I'm my own boss.
I get to handle the meat all day long-- pure freedom, you know? You know what? I thought you smelled like sausages.
I do, you know.
I want to smell like sausages.
- Oh.
- If they made a sausage cologne, - I'd spritz it on my body.
- I-- I love my job.
I love my job, you know? It sounds like it.
It sounds like you just love sausage.
- I do.
- And I have to say I apologize, Tim.
You feel like a fool? Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Yeah, sorry.
I shouldn't have tried to push my luck.
- Hey.
- Did you get a job? Not that I know of.
Well, my mom just called and said, "tell Tim congratulations on the new job.
" Oh, did I get--? Maybe I did get a job.
Did I get a job? - Okay, what's going on? - All right, you want to know the truth? - Yes.
- Your dad called me and made me meet him.
- He wanted me to break up with you.
- What? He said since I don't have a job, he doesn't want me dating you.
So I lied and said I'm a sausage salesman in the tri-state area.
You know what? That really pisses me off.
- Him or me? - Why would he tell you to break up with me? Oh yeah, right? The nerve.
- I'm calling him.
- I'm calling him.
- I have to confront him about this.
- Let's call the son of a bitch.
- He has no business doing this.
- Fuck that guy.
- This is Richard.
- Dad, you have some nerve.
Listen, I assume Tim told you about our talk.
What do you have against him? I don't get it.
Honey, I have nothing against Tim.
I'm actually glad that he's having some success.
Some success? Guess how much he's projected to make this year, dad.
- $300,000? - Yes.
- I don't know what to say.
- You can say I'm sorry.
"I'm sorry for being a senile old man and I will never question Tim again.
" I'm sorry for being a senile old man and I will never question Tim again.
- How was that? - Thank you.
Oh okay.
You're welcome.
- That was pretty good.
- Right? - You're good at lying when you want to.
- Thank you.
We're a good couple when it comes to lying.
$300,000.
Jeez Louise, that is a lot of money.
Let me see here.
You're your own boss.
That's nice.
Dick.
Hey, what are you doing in here? Jerking off to porn, huh? No.
And just to be clear, it's Richard.
You know, Dick-- I don't like that.
It's Richard.
Dick in here jerking his dick.
- I know what's going down, dude.
- Okay okay.
Anybody here see what he's watching in here? - Milfs, secretaries, huh? - No no.
- "Barely legal"? I know how you roll, Dick.
- No.
- I've seen you.
I've seen you in the lunchroom.
- I'm not surfing porn.
- I'm not looking at big-titty pictures.
- What are these fucking pins? - How many pins do you have on your fucking desk? - Just back off, Jerry.
- Jesus Christ.
- Just back off.
I don't like to be disrespected and I don't need to be treated like this.
Hey everybody, don't know if you hear this, but Dick's doing a porn speech if you want to come on in.
- You know what? Shut your mouth.
- Oh.
- Shut your mouth, you young punk.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Shut your mouth.
- Oh oh oh.
You want to talk about porn? I was fucking girls in the butt while you were still in diapers, so shut your mouth.
Okay okay, there's a line, and you just crossed over it.
You didn't just step over it.
You fucking leaped over it.
- Before you even go there - What? - I quit.
I quit.
- No, you're fired.
I'm gonna be selling gourmet sausages, my friend.
I'll be offering the consumer innovative new flavors like smoked chipotle, turkey cilantro.
So suck on that, Dick.
That was really awesome till it turned into a speech about sausages.
Oh man, oh man.
Hold on.
Let me just do-- let me just do one of these.
- Oh wow.
- Wow.
Man, my heart is racing.
When you walked in, I nearly lost my shit literally in my pants.
Right, yeah.
You said that already.
I mean, between your age and the blue suit and your demeanor and your haircut, you must get mistaken for a fed all the time.
Actually never.
Are you afraid of someone from the federal government coming in here? Yeah, man.
I've got a desk full of cocaine here, man.
Yeah, I'm afraid of the feds.
I can see that.
I mean, what--? Yeah.
So what do you want? I'm a little confused, to be honest.
According to these numbers-- I've run them a couple of times-- If I work seven days a week and actually hit all the targets, I'd be lucky to clear $20,000 a year.
Yeah yeah.
You'd be the luckiest fucking guy here to make 20 grand a year.
That'd be great.
I-- I'm sor-- Who here makes 20 grand a year? No one.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little confused.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hey, Rico, you gotta wear a shirt in here, dude.
- I'm so sorry about this.
- Quite all right.
Nobody wears shirts.
It's like this is their little revolution, like if they don't wear shirts, they somehow got one on me.
I'm wasting your fucking time, man.
You don't need this job.
You're obviously way too smart for this, so nice to meet you.
I'm sorry.
I'm totally lost now.
Look look, most of my employees are mostly college kids, man, or ex-cons, okay? They generally can't figure these numbers out.
And even if they do, they don't have a lot of options, 'cause they're ex-cons or college kids.
Right, so what about Tim? My daughter said that he was on track to make $300,000 this year.
I don't know Tim.
I don't have a Tim here.
Who the fuck's Tim? Oh, Jesus Christ.
And he just quit, Amy.
30 years at the firm and he just flipped them the bird and walked out of the office.
- I know, mom.
- I mean, sausages? 300 grand a year for selling sausages? - He had a pension! - I know.
- He is not an animal.
- Mom-- I have to go.
I have a meatloaf in the oven.
Did you tell her I said hi? Why did you have to tell him that you were a sausage salesman? - Wait wait, me? - Yeah.
No, your lie was the offensive lie.
Yeah, but I mean, sausage salesman? Amy, please don't try to pin this on me.
My lies always go off smoothly.
You don't know how to lie.
- You're right.
- Right? - Yeah, I-- - You lost control.
I fucked up.
I like hearing the sound of that.
and brother, if I stepped on a worn-out dime I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.