The Magicians (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Previously, on "The Magicians" I'll send you on an epic quest.
The Tale of the Seven Keys.
My father's dying, and I need you to fix him.
I require someone I trust to accompany you.
I'd like you to meet your daughter.
What? Just say it.
Cancer.
Call it cancer plus.
How long till I die? No, you're not going to, okay? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Holy shit.
As a niff in, you made enemies.
I am here to warn you that one of them seeks you.
- Who? - The lamprey.
What do you want with the lamprey anyway? It's more what the lamprey wants with me.
Well, if you could do magic Yeah, well, I can't.
You're down to an early warning device an alarm, if you will.
[CAT HISSES.]
[ALL GASP.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[SIGHS.]
[LEAVES RUSTLING.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[CAT MEOWS.]
Sorry about this.
[SOFT MEWLING.]
I need your help.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
So, I'm not dead anymore.
[WHIMPERS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Alice? Shit.
Hi, Mom.
So, I'm alive.
Oh, I know.
Quentin called us after it happened, and you're just visiting us now.
I've been meaning to come by Excuse the mess.
All our architectural enchantments collapsed when magic vanished.
But then, you'd know that if you ever called.
[CAT GROWLS.]
Who's she? That's Carol.
That's Carol? Well, maybe you didn't realize that she used a lot of illusion work to keep herself looking thin.
So, now she drinks.
[LOUDER.]
Carol? You remember my daughter, Alice? She used to be dead.
Now she isn't.
And it's only just now that she's decided to visit us.
And she brought a cat.
[CAT MEOWS.]
That priest held a whole island hostage with this key.
Meanwhile, I can't seem to get it to do anything.
Kinda creeps me out every time I pick it up, though.
We need a rabbit.
I need to send a message to King Quentin ASAP.
How close is the nearest island? Beyond Fillory's territorial waters, the islands don't like to be mapped, so sometimes they move.
I'm reasonably certain that the nearest one is somewhere in this general area, Your Majesty.
All hands are on deck! [RUMBLING.]
What's going on, Admiral? Trouble on the horizon, sire.
Pirates.
They're flying the red bones, Your Majesty.
No quarter given.
Well, shit.
Hey, Q.
Did you find Kady? No, I struck out.
Yeah, so did Josh.
I'm at the cottage checking bedrooms now.
[KNOCKING.]
Do you wanna meet me here, or ? No, I I can't.
I have to leave town.
My dad got worse.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Let me know if you need anything, okay? Will do.
I should go.
[KNOCKING.]
Hi.
Can I come in? Please? Give me another chance.
Oh, my God.
He looks terrible.
And getting worse.
I have a ritual that could save him but it requires a lot of magic, so, you can participate, or you can fuck off.
Dealer's choice.
What's the ritual? We're gonna summon a demon.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
[SWORDS CLANGING, MAN GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I I don't understand.
What are the pirates trying to do? Kill us and take our ship.
Are they allowed to do that? I thought father was the king.
He is.
That's why they want to steal from him: He's rich.
You should lock yourself and your family in the royal cabin.
Please, Your Majesty, come with me.
[DISTANT GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
What an odd way to make a living, pirating.
We can make our stand here.
Fray, get behind me.
I won't let them harm you and neither will your father.
Please, Lady Fen, if we fight, they'll kill us.
Plus, are we super totally sure that talking to them won't work? No, pirates take.
That's what they do.
Will you not fight, Father? Your father is a powerful magician, but when magic disappeared Is father a coward, then? Father's a survivor.
That's weird.
Was there always a keyhole right there? [DISTANT SWORD FIGHTING CONTINUES.]
Wait a second.
[DISTANT GRUNTING, FIGHTING CONTINUE.]
[KEY TURNS, CLICKS.]
[MAGICAL SHIMMERING.]
[DISTANT GRUNTING, FIGHTING CONTINUE.]
Mom, can we talk privately, please? Well, I certainly don't have anything to hide from Carol.
We were just discussing how magic is due to come back any time now.
What a cute little kitten.
[CAT HISSING.]
Oh.
[CAT YOWLS.]
- Back off, Carol! - Alice, really? Just stay away from her.
Don't be ridiculous.
Now, Carol is in a very fragile state You need to listen to me right now.
No, no, no, no.
You listen to me.
Now, you can't just come traipsing back in here without any regard for people's feelings.
Fine.
Where's Dad, then? Look, all I'm saying is, how well do you know this person who gave you the ritual? Look, I'd love to be more cautious, but Penny is gonna die.
So, if you have a better idea right now, I'm all ears.
Okay.
What do you need me to do? I need a goat femur, pencil shavings, and some other stuff for the summoning.
[SIGHS.]
Alice.
Oh, I am so glad to see you.
When we heard, I knew that you would take the time that you need, but Dad, we have to hurry.
There's a lamprey after me.
A lamprey? What did you do to it? It's not important, it but it's after me and anyone connected to me, and, look, I think it's inside Carol right now.
But Carol is with your mother.
And I tried to warn her, but you know Mom.
If I had any magic at all, I'd be able to fight it, but I don't.
So, I need your help.
Now.
Seriously, Tick? What is the problem here? I asked for two simple things.
Pull up the fields, plant some goddamn mushrooms.
If you will allow me to mansplain, Your Highness, the farmers are hesitant because you're asking them to throw out food and replace it with, uh Inedible mushrooms, I got it.
And mansplaining is a bad thing, Tick.
But I'm a man explaining.
Is that not mansplaining? Perhaps you could woman-splain it to me.
It's not me.
It's the fucking fairies.
This is more of their bullshit.
Earthworms, squirrel tongues, and now mushroom fields.
I just need it done.
Okay? The queen will not be pleased.
Are the fairies here right now? They were.
Now they've gone to tell the queen that we screwed the pooch right in the pooper.
That sounds painful.
It is.
Your Highness! We just a received a report from the seagulls that the Muntjac has been captured by pirates.
Two days' sail from After Island.
Son of a twat.
Tick, what is the fastest boat in our Navy? The Morgan Downs, ma'am, could reach the Muntjac in a week.
Without magical assistance, that's the best we can muster.
No, it is not the best we can muster.
Follow me, dickholes.
Queen Margo.
Perhaps you can tell me what's taking so long to plant the mushroom fields.
[NERVOUS LAUGH.]
Mushroom screw-ups are on these chuckleheads.
Meanwhile, I have a real problem.
The High King was hijacked by pirates and I can't help him.
But you can.
I don't see why that's my problem.
You wanna run this kingdom behind the scenes, fine.
But what happens when every jackoff out there gets the idea that Fillory is easy pickings with magic gone 'cause we can't even defend our High King? You think you can't get mushroom fields planted now, see what happens then.
Interesting argument.
I'll tell you what.
I can bring you there via Pegasus, but you negotiate with the privateers on your own.
When do we leave? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
These two need to come with.
[BOTH GASP.]
[MUFFLED WHIMPERS.]
[TAPE STRETCHING.]
Oh, my God Alice! Daniel.
What are you doing? Mom, I don't expect you to understand, but Carol has a lamprey inside of her and if I don't get it out, it'll kill all of us.
An old Sumerian text suggested that parasites like this might be vulnerable to lightning, so - [PANICKED WHIMPERING.]
- Oh, God.
And What are you doing? [MUFFLED SHRIEKING.]
Oh [RAGGED BREATHING.]
Damn it, it's dead.
Quentin, tell her to put that thing down right this instant.
What are you doing here? Your cat exploded.
What did you expect me to do? Not, like, follow me home.
Jesus.
Hold on, your cat exploded? Cats detect lampreys by exploding.
[GRUNTING.]
Ah! All of you, stay away from me! Oh, great.
Now Carol won't come over here anymore.
Honey, I know this really isn't the time, but shouldn't the lamprey have come out of Carol after you shocked her? But the kitten freaked out when it looked at Carol.
Yeah, but Carol is a mess.
Maybe the cat could sense it.
Maybe the lamprey isn't here.
Yeah, well, maybe the lamprey doesn't exist.
The lamprey exists, Mother, and it can track long distances, and it's coming for me.
Why, what did you do to it? You wouldn't understand.
Why don't you just try me? Whatever she did, she did it because she was a niff in.
Oh, God, Daniel, I know she was a niff in.
I thought she was dead for months.
Wait a second.
You thought that Carol had this lamprey in her, and you left me alone with her? I told you to get away from her.
Okay, you are the most selfish daughter on the planet.
Quentin, what's going on with your neck? What do you mean? Honey, I thought I saw Quentin's neck move.
- What? - Wait.
Where did Quentin get to? Shit.
We are very, very lucky Her Majesty the Fairy Queen is so persuasive with the Pegasi.
They can be most quarrelsome creatures.
I smell like a horse fucked a bird.
Actually, it was the other way around.
I'm going to go sun myself up here while you chat with your pirates.
But don't worry.
I got my eye on you.
Who are you lot supposed to be? I'm High Queen Margo the Destroyer, and the entourage.
You brought a fairy with you.
You can see her? Yes, well, most pirates have made a fairy deal at one time or another.
My name is Hoop, Ms.
Destroyer.
I'll take you below decks to meet our pirate king.
My queen, a word before you go? Perhaps you're familiar with my family's reputation around the court as pickpockets? I've heard.
What's your point? Um, only that my skills in this field could be useful to you.
Mm-hmm, I'll keep an eye on my jewels.
Are we done here? Are you suggesting that you could Although her majesty lacks depth perception, she does not lack in depth or perception.
You keep an eye on the pirates.
If anything turns up missing, we'll know they're the culprits.
I shall catch up with you below decks, ma'am.
What on Earth are you doing? I can't afford even the tiniest crack.
When the lamprey is outside the house, it can enter through almost any opening.
Why do you assume the lamprey's even here? Maybe your boyfriend's just looking for attention.
Dad saw his neck move and he's not my boyfriend.
You really saw his neck move? You know, without your optical spells, your vision really isn't what it used to be.
I mean, it looked weird.
We can't risk it.
If the lamprey is in the house, we can't let it sneak back in here and take over one of us.
What if Quentin tries to get back in here himself? We could call the police.
They could come and get him out of the house.
Problem solved.
That's a bad idea.
If it's inside Quentin, who knows what he'll do? They'll end up shooting him dead.
Well, you did say he wasn't your boyfriend anymore.
Okay, but killing Quentin won't kill the lamprey.
It'll end up jumping bodies, and then we're up against a possessed cop with a gun trying to kill us.
I'm gonna need more wine.
I knew I should've bought a gun when magic went out.
No, a gun won't protect us against a lamprey.
That is the only weapon that we have, except the battery's dead.
We need a new one.
There's a car in the garage.
Don't those use some kind of battery? Okay, now what are you doing? The lamprey can enter through almost any orifice, even skin, so I'm going to get that battery and I'm not taking any chances.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You're missing the signs, Julia.
What? I thought you'd be further along.
We're going to have to push you.
What are you talking about? I said thank you.
Oh.
Sorry.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[TOOLS CLANKING.]
[TOOLS RATTLING.]
Alice.
[SQUEALS AGGRESSIVELY.]
[GRUNTS.]
Hey! Don't come any closer or I'll smash your head in! - Alice, come on! - [SHRIEKS.]
[SCREAMING.]
I'm not the lamprey, Alice! How do I know you're not the lamprey! I don't know how to prove it.
I'm just, I'm not it's it's gone! It left! What? Ah.
Ugh.
Why did it leave you? I don't know.
[GROANS.]
I was awake the whole time.
I could feel it controlling me and searching my memory.
It was I just couldn't do anything to stop it.
It's angry at you, Alice.
What did you do to it? I I don't remember.
It's weird.
I could've snapped your neck over there so easy.
And the lamprey didn't want to for some reason.
Well, if it doesn't wanna kill me, what does it want? I am taking our daughter seriously.
Help me finish taping up the windows, won't you? Fine.
But wouldn't it be nice if just once, Alice would come without bringing all of her drama with her? What's with the candy? You gonna summon some kind of chocolate-loving demon to save my ass? The scent of chocolate makes them less likely to eat us.
I hope.
The only nice thing about losing magic? The radio signals in my head went out too.
All's quiet on the psychic front? Yeah.
Could get used to that.
That's one of Mayakovsky's? Damn.
You sure you wanna do this? There's a lot of magic in that.
You sure you wanna waste it on me? I stole it.
It's my call.
You don't owe me anything, Kady.
Of course you'd say that.
You got poisoned trying to help me.
If I didn't try to help you, I I couldn't live with myself.
Guess I should say thanks.
Yeah, you should.
[COUGHING.]
[WHEEZES.]
Julia will be back soon.
I will try not to die.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
I appreciate that.
[SIGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Good job, Tick.
Your praise is everything, but I would also like a country estate.
Don't get greedy.
Queen Margo the Destroyer, my king.
You're the pirate king? As king, I get to be called whatever the fuck I want.
That's fine by me.
I'm here to motherfucking parlay, Ms.
King.
Maybe you and I could, uh, take a private cabin and parlay a thing or two on our own.
Yeah, I'm hot.
You're extremely hot yourself.
But you just took over my goddamn boat, which tells me you're not one to pay attention to a safe word.
What's a safe word? Exactly.
I'm here on business, not pleasure.
But, um you give me what I want, I won't take anything off the table.
Hmm.
Never could control myself around a one-eyed girl.
Well, we've all got a thing.
I need to see High King Eliot.
Now.
Mm-hmm.
My queen! It is I, your High King Eliot [LAUGHING.]
In the flesh.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
So, you think it left the house? Yes, and we need to find out what it really wanted before it comes back.
I have some pre-Christian volumes that might be useful, but I was thinking we might be better off avoiding the Fertile Crescent.
I was thinking Asian myself.
Uh, Stephanie, we really need to stay put here.
But you said it left the house.
Yeah, but it's going to come back, we think.
- Mom.
- Darling I have to go to the bathroom.
There's one right out there.
Don't you think we would've heard it if it had come back inside? Mom, the lamprey is tiny, but it is a powerful magical creature.
Don't underestimate it.
First you said it was inside of Carol, so you electrocuted her.
Then you said it was inside of Quentin, only now he's back, and the creature's gone for some reason.
Am I the only one that this sounds crazy to? Stephanie, sweetheart No, Daniel, don't defend her.
We've both been in this room for God knows how long, and I have to pee.
Are you really gonna stop me from doing that? Just go in the corner, Mom.
I am not peeing in front of your father.
If I had wanted that in my marriage, I would've stayed with Jean Claude.
Ugh, I don't wanna hear this.
No, Alice, mystery is not something you can take back.
And I am not gonna risk it just because you think that you stepped on some creature's magical toes.
I didn't step on its toes.
I murdered its entire family.
I did experiments on them to figure out what kind of magic they had.
That's what I did as a niff in.
Jesus, Alice.
Well, you know, we've all dealt with our share of monsters.
You don't get it.
I did that kind of thing over and over again, okay? The lamprey is not the only creature that wants me dead.
It's just the one who got my number.
So, I wanna be absolutely clear on who the real monster is here.
Excuse me.
That didn't really help.
I know.
I know, it just gets under my skin sometimes.
Okay, I'll go after her.
Just you and your dad keep researching.
My Asian languages are for shit, anyway.
You better tape up.
Yeah.
- Just to be safe.
- Yeah.
So, brass tacks.
You want 3,000 Fillorian Gold Crescents? It's been rough going since magic went away.
I'm crying from my one eye for you.
There is, uh, one more matter.
Our ship, the Sika, is a Deer Class vessel like yours.
- So? - So, it's been a dry voyage.
It's no coincidence we met like this.
The Sika sought out the Muntjac after he scented her.
And now he needs her to submit.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What? Our boat wants to fuck your boat.
And we can't leave until he does.
Deer Class ships are magical creatures of a sort, and as such, they have the same sort of biological urges we do.
Although, our ship is subject to royal command.
Which I couldn't give, but you can.
So, what? I just tell our boat to spread it for their boat and we're done? What are you not telling me? Well, the boat can be upset by the experience.
They're not the same after.
Not the same? Like, how? They become distracted, irritable.
Sometimes, they can't sail right.
Some ships have to be put into dry dock, never to sail again.
That sounds like PTSD.
So, these pirates are asking us to let our boat get raped? My queen's words, as always, are coarse, but truthful.
I love this old boat, but if they don't get what they want, the pirates will kill the crew.
[HISSES SOFTLY.]
[GASPS.]
That's a new look for you.
Would you come back with me? It's not safe in here.
Oh, you heard Alice.
She's the monster.
Come on, she's not a monster, she's just conflicted.
What's it matter? It's not safe anywhere.
Did you know we got a tax bill for the house? Apparently, we haven't paid in 30 years.
Enchantment failed, so now we're losing our home.
I mean, what are we gonna do without magic? I mean, get fucking jobs? I don't even know how to do anything.
And Daniel.
There's no place for us in this world.
Sometimes I think Charlie was the one who got off easy.
[SOBS.]
Ah, shit.
[DARK MUSIC.]
[SPEAKING LATIN.]
[SPEAKING HEBREW.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I am Asteroth.
Astaroth, Demon of the Seventh Circle, Great Duke of The Inferno.
Oh, no, I'm Asteroth with an E.
Astaroth with an A is my cousin.
You can totally stand.
The whole kneeling thing's weird.
[SHALLOW BREATHING.]
It's pretty advanced, and it'll be tough to extract.
Though, those are the tastiest.
Can you do anything? Surgery.
But it will hurt.
[DARK MUSIC.]
[SHRIEKING.]
Just, save it, okay? You'd astrally project, too.
[SOFTLY.]
No shame, bro.
Oh, my head is swimming.
I can't read Chinese right now.
How do you read so fast? This isn't fast.
When I was a niff in, I didn't have to rely on my eyes.
This is like running through water.
It's so slow.
What you said to your mother, is that true? What you did to that lamprey's family? When I was a niff in, there was nothing I wouldn't have done for knowledge.
Wait, hold on.
What is it? A description of the life cycle of a magical creature.
It's a parasite similar to the lamprey.
I think I know what it's doing.
So, um, Muntjac? I'm High Queen Margo of Fillory.
Your Liege.
I have a kind of problem.
See, a bunch of pirates boarded you and are threatening to kill the crew if I don't order you to lie with their boat.
Before this, I used to think that pirates were kinda cute in a Johnny Depp sort of way, but the fact is, the real thing is kinda dirty and fucked up in a Johnny Depp sort of way.
Look I could just order you to do it, but you're clearly alive, whatever that means.
You have thoughts and feelings I think.
So, I guess I'm asking What do you wanna do? [SIGHS.]
Maybe I'm an idiot for even asking.
[SIGHS.]
- [WEEPING.]
- There, there.
[SOBBING.]
Gonna be okay.
[SOBBING.]
I mean, look at me.
I'm a mess.
I have to clean myself up.
I do, I have to clean myself [STAMMERING.]
What are you no, no, no, no.
[MOANING.]
Oh.
[GROANS.]
What the hell? Uh, no, she was, um, kissing me, and um, I'm just stop, I'm trying to Oh, please, we're both adults.
You don't get to judge.
Step away from him, Mom.
Stephanie, do you honestly have to make this about you too? Oh, don't psychoanalyze me, Daniel.
Back away, Mom.
- Don't raise your voice to me.
- Oh, God.
Her her neck she's the lamprey.
What? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I saw it.
Her neck moved.
I told you to back the fuck away from him! [SHRIEKS.]
What? The lamprey should leave her body.
Any moment now.
I swear to God, she kissed me.
Shut up, Quentin.
You think she was trying to switch bodies with me? Anything's possible.
The lamprey already took you over.
It doesn't wanna kill us because it wants to lay eggs inside of us.
And then what? And then it hatches and burrows into your brain stem until you die, and then feeds on the carcass.
I don't understand.
The lamprey should've left her by now.
Unless it hasn't left Quentin.
- Oh, God.
- No.
He was trying to kiss her so that the lamprey would jump into her body.
No.
Stay away from me! Quentin I am not the lamprey.
This isn't really a great way to prove that.
If you're not the lamprey, then put that down, okay? Okay, so there's only one way for me to prove that I'm not the lamprey, and when I do it you'll know what to do.
[GROANING.]
[GASPING.]
Oh, bravo.
Nicely done.
You got me.
I'm gonna give you one chance to leave my dad.
Or what? You'll kill me? You killed my family.
That wasn't me.
I don't remember what I did as a niff in.
Alice, I know you're lying.
Your father could always tell.
That little twitch you get.
You murdered every one of my children because you were seeking knowledge.
So, what did you learn by torturing each one of them to death, hmm? I wanna know.
I wasn't seeking knowledge.
When they died, they made pretty little lights.
And when they died slowly, the lights got even prettier.
It's funny the things you can sense from the inside.
That one still loves you.
And your father has a weak heart.
He'll die if you try to shock me.
You don't know that.
You really wanna risk it? And I'm sorry I wasn't able to lay my eggs into her.
[LAUGHING.]
Since I know how much you hate her, it's crueler to leave her alive.
Well, thank you for finally being honest.
I'll let myself out.
[WHIMPERS.]
[GROANING.]
[GAGGING.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[COUGHS.]
Thank God.
Kill it, Alice.
[SCREECHING.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
Congratulations.
Jesus Christ.
What did you do? I was moved by your speech to the Muntjac, coming to her defense.
So, I decided to intervene.
We got what we needed from these pirates.
What? You stood up to them.
You were a queen.
That's who I need you to be.
The next time they don't plant a field of mushrooms for you, remember this room.
Now there's the matter of your lying to me.
Did you think I wouldn't be a queen with you? Time to give it back.
It's my eye.
It was, but you made a deal.
Tick, Gillen, come here.
Someone has stolen something from me.
Which one of you was it? They didn't do this.
I did.
Fine, we do it your way.
Thrimble dimble pickle plum, catch a human by the tongue.
[INAUDIBLE.]
You may go.
What did you do? There is a song he does not like, so I put it in his ear, where it will never leave.
He will slowly go mad, then he will not be of much use to you.
My eye.
[SQUISHING.]
The eye can never be fixed.
But you can't spy on me anymore.
Do you think this is the only way to know what you're doing? You have a week's sail back to Whitespire to think about what you've done.
[GASPING.]
Thank you, Your Highness, for not telling her about me.
Shut the fuck up, Tick.
[RETCHING, COUGHING.]
What the hell did you put in that? It should kill any of the eggs left inside of you.
Did you drink it all? Mmm [RETCHES.]
When you left Brakebills, you said that you couldn't forgive me.
Was that real? Didn't it feel real? I thought it might've been that thing you do where you push me away in order to protect me.
From the lamprey, or I mean, I could tell you were fine with things just going on the way they were, it's just, sort of sleeping together, or whenever There were two of us doing that, Alice.
It wasn't just me.
Yeah, I know.
[CHUCKLING.]
I I know that, and it felt good, I'm not saying that it didn't, and I'm not mad at you, Q.
I'm just I'm not that girl anymore.
And I can't ever be her again.
I don't know how.
I know that I have said this before and that it probably sounds ridiculous.
I just wanna help.
I really mean it.
Yeah, I know.
I know you do.
I just I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know what I want.
That's okay.
It's confusing.
I lived this whole other life, and a part of that is still who I am, whether I like it or not.
But when you look at me, all I see is that Alice reflecting back in your eyes.
The old Alice, like like that's who you want me to be.
She's gone.
[WEAK LAUGH.]
It's just it makes it too hard, Quentin.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Alice! Daniel! Alice! Daniel! Oh, my God.
[INAUDIBLE.]
[INAUDIBLE.]
[FLESH SQUISHING.]
I think I've got it.
Ooh, it's juicy.
I'll save it for later.
I'll close the wound.
It may take him some time to heal.
Thank you.
Penny? Penny.
Penny? [PANICKED BREATHING.]
Penny.
No.
Penny, come on.
I'm sorry.
You called me too late.
No, no, no, he can't.
No, come on, Penny.
Don't don't, come on.
[SOBBING.]
No.
No.
[WEEPING.]
Shit.