The Mighty Boosh (2003) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Come with us now on a journey through time and space.
To the world of "The Mighty Boosh".
"The Mighty Boosh" Come with us to "The Mighty Boosh" "The Mighty Boosh" Come with us to "The Mighty Boosh" - Come on, then.
Let's have it.
- Hm? Every day you're late, every day another excuse.
What is it this time? - What do you mean? - Lego avalanche trapped you? - No.
- No? Your pyjamas turned into nitrogen? You got stuck on the ceiling of your bedroom? Giant kingfisher pecked you under the duvet? Got your, uh, jodhpurs caught on a magic hedgehog? I write 'em down, you know.
What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris, yeah? - I just had a few things to do.
- That's not funny.
It's not going in the book.
Not everything has to be funny.
Sometimes life can take a serious turn.
Colours can fade to black.
- Have you got my script? - Something bad's happened to me.
Nothing bad happens to you.
You're made of sunshine.
Bad things can happen to sunshine people.
No.
Bad things happen to me.
That's how it works.
I've got some bad news.
I don't even know where to begin.
This isn't like you.
What's the matter? What's up? I've felt like there was something wrong for a while but I went to the doctor's.
- Oh, Christ.
- He's confirmed the worst.
- Hey, I'm here for you.
- Do you mean that? Of course I do.
It's me and you all the way.
What's the problem? What is it? Someone's copying me.
You bitch! I thought you were dying.
You said you'd seen a doctor.
I have seen a doctor.
He's a doctor of fashion.
He did a chart of similarities and everything.
There was a 95% match.
- I had to get my face copyrighted.
- Oh, big deal, someone's copying you.
Yeah, it is a big deal! This guy, he's doing his hair like me, walking like me, talking like me.
This is my look! I've been rocking this look since birth! Check out my scan.
Unbelievable! It's like Jesus and John the Baptist.
I was in the wilderness.
I saw myself in robes and a beard.
- I thought, "There's the look for me.
" - We were all in the wilderness.
I mean, it's not even that you stole my look.
You didn't even give me a name check.
Just, "Oh, I had a vision.
" - Everything's up for grabs, John.
- Whatever.
- Where did you get those sunglasses? - Jerusalem market.
Why? No reason.
Why let it get to you? Rise above it.
People will know the diference.
Look, you don't understand how it works.
Look at this.
Well, there you go.
You're on the front cover.
That's not even me! That's him! That's Lance Dior! People know the diference, do they? Unbelievable.
I suppose it is quite a similar look.
Quite similar? It's exactly the same.
He's nicked everything from me.
So people don't know.
But I know and you know - that's enough.
That's not enough.
Don't obsess about your look.
It's what's inside that counts.
I haven't got anything inside.
I'm like a beach ball.
You need to take a leaf out of my book.
Yes, I've got a powerful look going on - yes, indeed.
But inside I've got a rich and fertile inner life.
Charisma.
My stories are legendary.
I'm a raconteur, you know? Raconteur? Your stories are embarrassing.
You've only got that one about the pencil case mix-up, how you went to school and went home with the pencil case of the boy sitting next to you.
Yes.
It turned out to be my pencil case all along.
Because we had the same pencil cases, he'd put his pencils in my pencil case.
That's the twist.
I don't even understand that story.
It's not even funny.
It's not meant to be.
It has resonances beyond humour.
It's bulletproof.
Got me out of many a dificult situation.
When I unleash it, it's like a cruise missile.
This'll cheer you up.
Hello, Vince.
All right, Gary? It didn't really work, did it? Um You like presents, don't you, Vince? Yeah? Just so happens I've got you one.
- That is quite good.
- You're liking that, aren't you? - Wow! - Came from Papua New Guinea.
- Wow! - Never been seen by human eyes before.
- What about the guy who made it? - Blind.
This is well skilled.
Cheers.
I feel much better.
- Easy, Vince.
I'll deal with this.
- How does he do it? Get in the back.
I'll do this.
- All right, Howard? - And you are? Lance.
Yeah.
Meant to pop by earlier, only a frog stole my shoes.
Ha, ha.
It's actually quite good, that.
- Vince around? - I don't know where he is.
I'm not his wife.
Word on the street is you are his wife.
Cook his food, straighten his hair, bake him little cakes.
- Can I help you? - Actually, I've come to see you.
- Me? Why? - I thought I could run some ideas past you.
Test out some looks and some lyrics.
Well, I'm a bit busy.
Thank you.
Oh, right, yeah.
What, got a lot of stocktaking to do? Why is that amusing? It's an important part of retail, a job I take seriously.
When Naboo retires, I'll take over, and then I'll delegate stocktaking to an underling.
So who's laughing now? I thought you might need a bit of a break.
You know, see some of the high life.
- You're better than this.
- What do you mean? You should be out there.
I hear you're a musical genius.
Thanks for noticing.
I have my moments.
Yeah, it's no secret.
You're going somewhere.
- Am I? - Vince is keeping you back in the shadows.
- Is he? - You should hang out with me, yeah? You fancy laying down some phat beats over my new shapes? Uh I don't know.
It's too soon, too sudden.
I need to think about it.
OK, all right, yeah.
You take your time.
I'll pop back later.
I've got a few things to do.
I've got to get a new coat, actually, from, uh Topshop.
- OK.
- So, see you later.
Bye.
Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
- Pop in any time.
What are you doing? I heard that.
I couldn't help it.
He was charming and he had a sort of sunshiny feel to him.
- I'm the sunshine kid.
- Yeah, but he's got this childlike demeanour.
I was all set to hate him, but now he's gone, I miss him.
- I don't believe this.
- Yeah.
Thing is, we just clicked, and that is something you can't fight.
Chemistry.
Yeah, I've got the dark, fractured, broken, paranoid side to me and he had the light, sunny, simpleton feel.
Together we made one whole person together.
But that's our angle! Yeah, but you're doing the broken, depressed thing now, so I'm not so sure.
But he's asked me to put phat beats down on his new shapes.
I'm tempted, you know.
Are you out of your mind? You've walked right into his trap.
- What? - He's trying to be me.
He's talking like me, walking like me - and I'm always with you.
- So? - You're my accessory, like a belt or a bag.
- Thank you! - I didn't mean it like that.
If I don't talk in fashion terms, I get confused.
- Fair enough.
- He's almost got my look down.
All he needs now is a tall, Northern, jazzy freak with a moustache and no dress sense.
- Is this how you win people over? - I can't express myself.
I haven't got a pencil-case story.
He's driving a wedge between us.
We got history.
We're like Ying and Yang.
Yeah, well, don't worry.
I'm not going to take him up on his ofer.
I don't need him.
I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a futuristic prostitute.
- Thanks, Howard.
- Don't worry.
He's got nothing on you.
I know, but I still feel a bit annoyed.
He's doing my head in.
You know what I always say? It's what's inside that counts, my friend It's not the peel, it's the orange It's what's inside that counts, my friend It's not the crust, it's the filling So if you're feeling blue Because somebody's copying you You don't automatically have to sue The world is big enough for two It's what's inside that counts, my friend It's not the jacket, it's the tailor It's what's inside that counts, my friend It's the moon, not the craters Oooh-oooh - Feeling better? - A bit.
A bit creeped out, but kind of better.
All right.
Uh-oh.
Don't rise to it.
Keep cool, calm and collected, like me, OK? Hi, Lance.
I've considered the ofer.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn you down.
Fine by me, I've already got somebody else.
Hey, there.
Harold Boom at your service, sir.
Comin' at ya like a beam, like a ray.
- I'll come at you! You don't come at me! - Yeah! Howard comes at people, not you! - Shut it, small hair.
- Small hair? - Not heard of Root Boost? - I'm sponsored by Root Boost! We do the big eyes, small eyes.
- What do you call these, then? - You think they're small? - Yes, I do, sir.
- I could fit mine twice in yours, sir.
- Care to prove that, sir? - Want a squint-of? - Yes, sir! - Let's go.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Is that as small as you can go? - I can go smaller.
Do you want face tilt? - Take that.
- Not bad.
Can you still see? - Yeah.
- How many fingers? - Three? - I rest my case.
- Everything's up for grabs.
- My face isn't.
- Isn't it? - No.
Just had it copyrighted.
- See you in face court.
- I got the best face lawyer.
- Who? - Marcus Hofman.
- How do you spell that? - H-o-f-f-m Hey, hey.
Pipe down, little fella.
It's not going to get to face court, is it? - I'll take you to the cleaners tomorrow.
- What? - We got a gig at The Velvet Onion.
- It's our gig! Not any more.
- You can't just do everything we do.
- We can.
And we can do it better.
- Really? - Yeah.
Can you really? Can you? Oh, well, can you do this? Ooh, ooh, ooh, I did a twisty Ooh, ooh, ooh, a tiny twisty Twist 'em up, twist 'em down Twist 'em all around like the cobra Dancing to the music of the pipe, the pipe, the pipe, the pipe of life Ah-ee, ah-ee, ah-ee, ay Carama, sharama, cinema in the night Such a good thing Don't forget to bring popcorn Tony and his paper castle Yeah You can keep that stuf.
- What was that bullshit? - That was crimping, sir.
Low-down and dirty crimping.
Get out.
Think about what you've just seen.
- Yeah, absorb it.
- Crimp virgins.
- See you later.
- See ya.
- Unbelievable! - That was incredible.
- The audacity! - A pair of berks.
- All right? - Hi there.
Well, that was embarrassing.
You know why? You dragged me into a crimp.
Well, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
What can I say? I reached into the dark and I pulled out a crimp.
I panicked.
They're not for members of the public.
They're for me and you on our own at night.
- At least I did something.
- You lost the squint-of.
You should be ashamed.
- Really? - You should be ashamed of your eyes.
- You should think about surgery.
- At least I did something.
I didn't just stand around with my hair looking lustreless.
- What do you mean? - Did you see Lance? - Yeah.
- Big, proud mane like big, strong lion.
- Oh? - You look like a trout with a fringe.
What's the matter? You're supposed to be running the shop.
Yeah! Lance Dior is what the matter is.
- Yeah, and Harold Boom.
- What, these guys? - That's a good look.
- That's our look! They're ripping us of.
True originality always wins in the end.
Get over it.
It's what's inside that counts, my friend It's not the peel, it's the 'nana Yeah, I've done that.
Calm down, all right? Listen to some words of wisdom from Naboo.
Let me tell you the story of the magpie and the peacock.
Many years ago, there was a peacock and a magpie.
I've done a landing.
The peacock had beautiful plumage - very striking, almost fluorescent in some lights.
The magpie was jealous because he was essentially a black-and-white character.
One day, the peacock was fast asleep and the magpie shaved the peacock with some clippers and glued the feathers onto himself with Pritt Stick.
The peacock woke up quickly, realised he was disgusting like a ball bag in the wind.
Oh! My beautiful coat! The magpie moved to the city in his new feathered outfit and quickly became the toast of Camden.
All right, girls? Check me out.
I'm a multicoloured sex machine.
He got a model girlfriend, a sports car and his own chat show.
When the peacock saw the magpie interviewing Kirk Douglas Douglas.
he became very depressed.
Travesty.
But he worked hard and eventually he got his own show.
Good idea.
TV! But he was on digital telly late at night and got poor viewing figures.
The peacock could take no more and put himself in a cannon, firing himself into Duncan Goodhew's back.
The incident was front-page news and the peacock became world famous, more famous than the magpie.
- So you're saying we should kill ourselves? - Just you.
Let me ask you this.
Do you remember Magpie Moments? - No, I don't.
- Exactly.
But Peacock Dreams, yeah? - I've never heard of it.
- Oh.
It was big on my planet.
What was the theme tune? Dah, dah, dah, Peacock Dreams Dah, dah, dah, Peacock Dreams Come on, let's get the box set.
Yeah, thanks a lot for that.
Peacock Dreams - What can we do? It's our gig.
- I thought you were in with The Velvet Onion.
- So did I.
- Go and talk to them.
Who's running this scene? Us or those goons? - Right.
Go to it, sir.
- I will.
Go to it.
That's right.
Shut up, Gary.
Easy, ready, willing, overtime Where does it stop? Where do you dare me to draw the line? You got the body, now you want my soul Don't even think about it, say "No go" Yeah, I'll I'll do anything that you want me to do Yeah, I'll I'll do almost anything that you want me too, yeah But I can't go for that And that's why I can't go for that.
Oh, hey, Vince.
What can I do you for? Grab some plastic.
I thought we were playing the gig tomorrow night.
Lance Dior is ripping me of.
I've been good to you.
I've made you loads of money.
Oh, Vince.
My dear, sweet, naive little prince of a blue boy.
I run a business, and the numbers just don't add up.
Let me explain.
This is the number 2, OK? He runs a cofee shop.
And this is the number 9.
The 9 is a customer, right? One day, 9 goes in and 2 goes: "I don't have a cofee house no more.
I have a knife-fighting academy.
" And number 9 goes, "I want cofee.
" And number 2 goes, "No! I'm going to slice you and learn how to slice others!" And 9 goes, "I can't! I gotta get out of here!" And 2 goes, "I've locked the door!" - What does that mean? - I can't put you on the bill.
This is ridiculous.
Can I borrow your phone? Oh, sure.
- Hi.
Is that Mrs.
Fossil? - Vince! Vince, you can't do this! Vince, my mom thinks I'm a POW trapped in Vietnam.
What'll you do for me? I'll give you a support slot.
That's the best I can do.
I can't take 'em of the bill! Thanks, Fossil.
I knew you'd come round.
Incoming! Stop poking me with a stick! Hello, Mom? Yeah.
No, I'm fine, yeah.
Hey, did Donnie get that package? I know it was a bundle of sticks but I don't have much to work with.
Oh! Argh! Future sailors We're future sailors Electronic castaway Digital stowaway Cyborg sea dog, tell me what you dream of Future sailors Oh, yeah Future What are you doing? The sign says "closed".
- Come to spy on what the next look is? - Why don't you run along, sir? - I hear you're supporting us tonight.
- Hope you don't do this nautical nonsense.
- It's way of the mark, sir.
- What's this "sir"? I end things with "sir".
- Do you now, sir? - Yes, sir.
- I do too, sir.
- No, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Three bags full, sir.
Stop this.
What do you mean, "way of the mark"? Have you been living on Planet Don't Know What's Going On? - No, I've been living upstairs.
- Fair do's.
Listen, got a little tip for you guys.
The future's dead.
Retro's the new thing.
Everyone's looking back.
Get with the programme.
Really? How far back? '70s? '60s? - '50s? - Don't be ridiculous, Howard.
Work it out yourselves.
You're the trendsetters.
We'll see you tonight.
We've got better things to do than stand about in your crap shop looking at you two silicone berks.
We're doing a pilot for BBC3.
Going to be on at 2 a.
m.
- That's our slot! - Was.
Look, forget them, OK? Focus.
Block them out.
They can't tell us what we are.
We know what we are, and what we are is sailors heading towards the future.
They can't blow us of course.
We've got compasses.
- And they're neon.
- Yeah! Two, three, four Future sailors Oh, yeah Robot starfish Cylon admiral Circuit-board sea I don't know.
I'm not feeling it, Howard.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I feel stupid.
What are we going to do? We need something innovative.
You're the master of new looks.
- Maybe I should have a think about it.
- Just do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, why not? All right.
I've still got it.
I'll show you some stuf.
Huh? Voodoo tennis player.
Come on.
Hm? Um maybe.
All right, that was the first go.
World War II transsexual? I think you may have gone insane, Vince.
Got it.
Bollywood lollipop man, huh? Bollipop man.
Ow.
That is not good.
I don't believe this.
Thanks, guys.
It's all Lance Dior's fault.
I've got fashion block.
He's really rocked my confidence.
- What are we going to do, Howard? - Calm down.
We have to be logical, OK? If it's the past that's in, maybe I should step up, huh? - You? - I'm from the past.
- We all are, Howard.
- Not as far back as me.
I've got an idea.
- Really? - Retro's all about looking back into the past.
What if we were to look further back into the past than anyone has looked before? Bring it down now Smash it up now We are looking backwards We are running backwards Running through time into the past Taking retro to its logical conclusion - Did anyone have a pencil case at school? - No way.
I had a pencil case and it was very similar to the boy's who used to sit next to me.
- And, um, there was a mix-up - You're shit! The Boosh have really lost their touch.
But now here's an act that's going to save the day.
The Flighty Zeus! Future sailors We're future sailors Digital deck hands Nautical nano beings Future sailors We're future sailors - Sorry.
We're not open.
- It's me.
Vince.
- You're frightening me.
What's happening? - Last night was humiliating.
- What have you got on? - I'm leaving Shoreditch.
I've got a job in Rumbelows as junior manager.
I can take you on.
Whoa there, now.
This is a minor setback.
A minor setback? They destroyed us.
Let's not panic.
There's another gig tonight.
Now, I say we get back on the horse They're ahead of us every step of the way.
We can't beat them.
Don't give in.
I've never seen you like this.
I've been thinking.
All we need to do is find something that only we do, something that no one else does.
What, you mean like when we run around in our vests and pants and throw satsumas? That's not going to work on stage, is it? Something else.
- Howard, it's over.
- What's the matter? All my mates were there last night.
They're well shallow.
I'm out of the loop now.
That's your problem.
It's your friends.
You need real friends, friends like mine.
Yeah? People like Lester Corncrake here.
How are you doing? You all right? You're a disgrace, Howard.
You're no longer welcome at the Stoke Newington Jazz Club.
- Rumbelows? - Yeah.
- I'm going to miss this place.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we had some crazy times here.
- Remember that time we did that jigsaw? Puzzle piece, puzzle pie, find the piece of missing sky Put it in the wrong place, jam it in the bear's face Canadian landscape with the sky-faced bear The jigsaw times - Wait.
I've got an idea.
- What? - Let's do one of those funny songs.
- Crimping? - Yeah.
Why not? - That's a bit crazy.
- Why? - No one's done it before.
Exactly.
That's why we should.
It'll be genius.
- I don't know.
- At some point, no one had done jazz before.
- That is true.
- When Lenny Kravitz stepped up on stage and played those first few chords, people must have thought he was mental! It was before then, but I know what you're saying.
- You're saying we should crimp.
- In sync.
Crimping in sync! That's what I'm thinking.
- Let's do it! - Come on! Ooh, we're the crimpers! Ah-ee, ah-ee, ah-ee, ay Carama, sharama, cinema in the night Such a good thing, don't forget to bring popcorn Tony and his paper castle - What was that?! - It's called crimping.
- It's the new thing.
- I want to crimp.
Wow! They've invented a new genre! - I'm going to kill 'em! - Is this a joke? Without our buddies, we wouldn't have invented crimp, so please welcome Canoo and Umbrollo.
This is bullshit.
His turban's not even on straight.
Easy.
Remember Peacock Dreams.
Peacock can suck my arse.
This is war! - This is a travesty, sir! - Oh, look.
It's the shiny charlatans.
We've been crimping for years - at night in our room when no one's looking - but we have been doing it.
We started crimp.
We studied crimpology.
He did, but I studied fashion at Saint Martins.
Still, you can't do this! We'll take you down.
We're the originators of crimp.
- Prove it! - We don't believe you! We will prove it.
We'll crimp you silly.
- We'll crimp you sensible.
- We'll crimp you into next week.
- We'll crimp you back to '82.
- We'll blast you with our crimp pump.
That's big talk.
Sounds like a challenge.
Perhaps it is a challenge, sir.
Well, is it a challenge? Y Yes.
Fair do's.
Holy shit sauce! Hey, everybody! Looks like we got ourselves a crimp-of! Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan Rachnid The spider provider Don't get caught in his web Lamb dhansak, lamb dhansak, lamb dhansak In his rice anorak Cook, cook, cooking in the kitchen Bitchin' about bacon Someone took the last slice, that's not nice Oh, spooky, spooky, spooky, spooky monkey Sitting in my flat, he's a primate junkie Sweeping up, sweeping down, sweeping all around town Here come Mr.
Broom Broom, ooh, ooh Here come Mr.
Broom Broom, ooh, ooh Pork pie, shiny eye, the champagne paedo Chapati, chapati, chapati, basmati Chapati, chapati, chapati, basmati Chapati, chapati, chapati, basmati Chapati, chapati, chapati, basmati The freaking mole, the vole, the hamster And that completes the top 100 most dangerous animals In Wales That was incredible.
We're finished.
That was of the scale.
We can't beat that.
Maybe there is a way.
A four-way crimp.
- No, it's impossible.
- It can't be done.
- Maybe it can.
- Four minds working as one.
Ah-ee Crimpety crimpety, now now Crimpety crimpety, ask me how Crimpety crimpety, humble pie Crimpety crimpety Boing, ding, bonk bonk, ting Crimpety crimpety, ping pong Sugar man, light source, why did you come to me? Put me in a coma, I woke up in the future Robot man, can't you help me find my way? Ba ba-da ba ba ba bam I can't understand the things you say Tube mouse, I love you so I took you from the underground and brought you home I put you in my jacket pocket, took you to the meeting Put you in my jacket pocket, took you to the meeting Put you in my jacket pocket, put you in my jacket pocket Put you in my jacket, put you in my jacket Jean Claude Jaquettie with his jacket on Jean Claude Jaquettie with his jacket of Jacket on, jacket of Jacket on, jacket of Ooh, ooh, ooh, I did a twisty Ooh, ooh, ooh, a tiny twisty Crimpety crimpety, now now Crimpety crimpety, ask me how Crimpety crimpety, you will pay Crimpety crimpety, out my way Boing, ding, bonk bonk, ting Crimpety crimpety, fuck you! Ah, we were amazing.
We are the kings of crimp.
- Oh, yeah.
- We are going places.
Yeah.
Where exactly can you go with crimping? - Where can't you go? - Yeah.
- Where can you go? - Not sure.
Yeah Nowhere, really.
- Shall we open up shop? - Yeah.
And so the moral of the story is that What's happening in here? You can't come into space pretending to be me.
- What's happening? - Things have changed.
I'm the new moon, and I'm going to eclipse you.
Ha, ha! Oh, really? Well, we'll soon see about that, my friend.
Jupiter! Jupiter, I need your help.
I am Jupiter.
I will munch you up, you impostor! Argh! Argh! Ooh! Yeah.
And the impostor, he got munched down like a KitKat.
I'm the moon, the original moon.
Bye.
Future sailors We're future sailors Electronic castaway Digital stowaway Cyborg sea dog, tell me what you dream of Future sailors