The Neighborhood (2018) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Okay, Calvin, I know you're not a craft beer man, but I think you might like this one.
It's locally brewed.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Wow, not bad.
Who makes it? Me.
Right upstairs in my bathtub.
Okay, all right.
Come on, Tina, let's go.
Dave just made me drink his bathwater.
Calvin, come on.
Stop.
No.
I-I haven't finished my wine yet.
Dave didn't make this in your toilet, did he? No, this is French.
If anything, it was made in a bidet.
Well, I like it.
Why don't you bring over another bottle tomorrow night and we can hang out? I'd love to, but Dave and I have a date night.
Yeah, that's right.
Tomorrow, I'll be drinking your bathwater.
Well, you two seem extra in love tonight.
Yeah, knock it off.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, well, we're always a little extra lovey-dovey after we see our couples therapist.
Oh, I didn't know you two went to therapy.
Y-Yeah, yeah.
Sorry to hear that.
If they get a divorce, you get Dave.
[MOUTHS.]
Don't worry, we're totally fine.
We just go every now and then for a little tune-up.
Dr.
Chen is great.
She's really helped us communicate.
It's breathed new life into our marriage.
Yeah, uh, speaking of breathing life, I could use some mouth-to-mouth right now.
[TRILLS.]
Okay, all right, I-I don't know if it's them or Dave's bath beer, but I got to throw up.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
- Hey, boys.
- Oh, hey.
Hey, how was y'all night at the Johnsons'? - Tina, can I tell them? - No.
That's none of y Dave and Gemma see a therapist.
Calvin.
I'm sorry, babe, Dave's funky-ass beer went straight to my head.
Oh, wait.
Dave and Gemma see a therapist? I didn't know they was having problems.
Dave and Gemma are fine.
I actually have never seen them so in love.
It was gross.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
And I'm thinking, in fact, maybe you and I should give it a try.
You know? We could always communicate better.
What? Babe, we communicate just fine.
Dad, seriously? She just told you not to tell us about Dave and Gemma, and you did it anyway.
That's different.
I heard her, I just ignored it.
Well, guess what.
We're going.
No, I just said that I don't want to go.
I heard you, I just ignored it.
Hey, honey, how's it going up there? The movie starts in a half an hour.
- GEMMA: I know.
Almost ready.
- Okay, you know we still have to drop off Grover at his sleepover, right? - I know.
Almost ready.
- Okay.
And you know I-I hate to miss the previews.
She knows.
She's almost ready.
- Okay, all ready.
- Okay, great.
Let's go.
I just need to put on my shoes, touch up my makeup and transfer all my stuff into my tiny purse.
Well, then, why'd you come downstairs? To tell you that I'm ready.
I can't believe I let you drag me in here.
- Come on, Calvin, keep an open mind.
- Nah, Tina.
You know what happens when you keep an open mind? New stuff gets in there.
Hi, there.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
- I'm Dr.
Chen.
- Hi.
I'm Tina Butler.
This is my husband Calvin.
Hello.
Okay, then.
If you're ready, how about we jump in? How long have you guys been married? 31 years.
And after all that time together, how would you describe your intimacy? [CHUCKLES.]
: Oh, it's freaky.
Yeah, at least, you know, three or four times a week.
[CHUCKLES.]
Five if it's slow at the shop.
[LAUGHS.]
Actually, I was talking about your emotional intimacy, not your physical intimacy.
But damn.
Well, uh, what do you mean by emotional intimacy? I mean, how often you guys sit down and connect with each other? You know, talk about your feelings, share your vulnerabilities.
Isn't the point of getting married so you don't have to do that? Well, h-honestly, I don't remember the last time we did that sort of thing.
Well, in that case, it sounds like you're using physical intimacy as a substitute for connecting on a deeper level.
I'd like to suggest an exercise for couples who need to rekindle things emotionally.
Okay.
W-What is it? Abstain from sex for a month.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
You serious? Y-Yes.
See, Tina? This is why I keep my mind closed.
I know it sounds challenging, but it's helped a lot of my patients.
You can read more about it in my book.
[CHUCKLES.]
You read it.
I'll wait for the movie.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Sweetie, slow down.
I'm in heels.
Well, just kick them off.
The floor is barely sticky.
[EXHALES.]
See, Dave? The movie's just started.
We didn't miss anything.
Well, that's not true.
We missed the previews, and I didn't have time to go to the bathroom or get my jumbo pretzel.
[SHUSHES.]
Sorry.
Sweetie, it's not a big deal.
If you want a pretzel, I'll go get it for you.
Give me your wallet.
I couldn't fit mine in my tiny purse.
Just forget about it.
Let-Let's just sit down.
It's fine.
I don't mind missing a few minutes of the movie.
Well, you say that, but then when you come back, you're gonna ask me what you missed, and then we'll be talking during the movie, and I don't want to be those people.
- Too late, you already are.
- Sorry.
Look, I'm sorry we missed the previews, but we're here now and the movie's just started.
Can you please not ruin date night? Me? I didn't ruin date night.
You're the one who made us late.
Maybe you should give her the silent treatment.
Well, excuse me for wanting to look nice on our night out.
Oh, yes, of course.
'Cause what's more important than looking nice while you're sitting in a dark movie theater? You guys don't need to see a movie, you need to see a therapist.
BOTH: We did.
Can you believe it? We just paid $30 for a book that's going straight in the trash.
[STAMMERS.]
Don't throw that out.
Oh, you know what? You're right.
Dave's got a birthday coming up.
Look, Calvin, I know that you think going to see Dr.
Chen was a waste of time, but I think she really might be on to something with that abstinence stuff.
Not have sex for a month? People could die from that.
Seriously, Calvin.
When was the last time we just held hands and talked about our feelings? Okay, you know what? I can do that.
I feel that we should go to the bedroom and do the wild thing.
Oh, Calvin.
No.
See? Dr.
Chen was right.
We can't even have a real conversation about our emotions without you going straight to sex.
Now, c-come on.
I was just playing.
I mean, of course, unless you gonna change your answer to yes.
Calvin, I know this is gonna be difficult, but we have to do this for the good of our marriage.
Okay.
All right, we can try.
But I think we both know you can't go without all this for a whole month.
No.
No.
No! I gave up Diet Coke cold turkey.
I think I'll be just fine.
This ain't no Diet Coke.
This is real sugar, baby.
All right, Marty, let's hit the gym.
All right, hold on, let me just finish this chapter.
Uh, why are you reading Mom and Dad's therapy book? Because, Malcolm, our relationship is broken, and I, for one, want to fix it.
You wonder why I tell people at the gym we not related.
Now, see? That's your problem right there.
According to Dr.
Chen, when it comes to sibling dynamics, the older one often feels entitled to humiliate and ridicule the younger sibling.
[LAUGHS.]
: Yeah, that's fun stuff, huh? No, man, it's highly dysfunctional and detrimental to my self-esteem.
I'm an adult now, and it's time you started treating me like one.
Oh, you're an adult? Tell that to your Star Wars pajamas.
Dad, hasn't Malcolm been picking on me my whole life? Yeah.
It's some fun stuff, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Man, let's go.
Fine.
But for the record, it wasn't Star Wars pajamas, it was loungewear.
Morning.
Hey.
Morning, babe.
How'd you sleep? Fine.
Even with you trying to seduce me all night.
What? Me? [CHUCKLES.]
I have no idea what you talking about.
Oh, please.
Singing Barry White in the shower, wearing your silk boxers to bed.
You had so much cocoa butter on, I thought I was sleeping next to a dolphin.
Well, uh, instead of fighting it, why don't you let me butter you up and we get all SeaWorld up in here? You know what? I've got a better idea.
How about we sit down and have breakfast together, and enjoy a meaningful conversation? Sorry, I-I can't, babe.
I don't have the time.
I, uh, I got so much stuff to fix around the house.
You know.
Which must be hard on you, because, uh, I know how you love a man that can swing his hammer.
You're ridiculous.
Am I? [SHOUTING.]
Come on, Tina.
I know you want [GRUNTING.]
Tina? Oh! Whoa.
I'm gonna have to ease up on the cocoa butter.
Morning.
What are you doing here? I thought you were picking up Grover from his sleepover.
What are you talking about? Pickup's not for another hour.
Yeah, but I want you to have enough time.
I know if you're even a minute late, your whole day is ruined.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
I can use that extra time to try on five different outfits and transfer my stuff into my tiny wallet.
Why are you being such a jerk about this? It was one movie.
No, no, it's not just one movie.
Okay? It's every time we have a dinner reservation, or go see a concert, or have to be at the airport.
Dave, we have never once missed a flight because of me.
Yes, that is because I have never once given you the correct departure time.
Look, Gemma, the point is, is that Dr.
Chen said that we need to take each other's needs into consideration, and I don't always feel like you do that.
Oh, like you're any better? [SCOFFS.]
I'm the most considerate person I know.
I say "bless you" to people who sneeze, cough, even yawn.
Okay, then why do I always have to ask you to put the toilet seat down? Or stop drinking juice from the carton? Or the thing I hate the most: you never squeeze out the kitchen sponge.
I always squeeze out the sponge.
Oh, really? Okay, I forgot one time.
[SCOFFS.]
Not that time means anything to you.
Well, then I guess neither of us is as considerate as we think we are.
Which is why I don't feel bad doing this.
Sponges live in the ocean, Gemma! They're supposed to be wet! Oh, hey, Calvin.
Don't "hey, Calvin" me.
Because of you, Tina doesn't want to have sex.
What? Even with that tool belt? Your stupid therapist says that we're having intimacy problems and now she's cutting me off for a month.
I remember when Dr.
Chen made us do that, too.
It really put the "no" in November.
Wait a minute.
So you knew about this and you recommended her anyway? Well, I had to.
Gemma was sitting right there, and she loves going to see Dr.
Chen.
Oh, and you don't? Are you kidding? No sex for a month? That could kill a guy.
I know.
I'm already going crazy.
I saw two melons on the counter and I almost had to take a cold shower.
Yeah, the worst part is, is Gemma and I got into a fight and now she wants us to go back today.
Well, if you don't want to go, then don't.
You don't have to do something just because she wants you to.
You know what? You're right.
And just like you shouldn't let Tina bully you into talking about your feelings if you don't want to.
You're right.
Nobody forces me to be a good husband.
Yeah.
Exactly.
You know, what our [QUIETLY.]
: what our wives need to understand is, is that our needs are just as important as theirs.
Damn straight.
Yeah.
And until they do, no matter how mad they get, or how cold and lonely the nights may be, you and I will always be there to keep each other warm.
I was wrong.
You just forced me.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hi, Dr.
Chen.
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
Sorry we're late.
For some reason, I can't seem to be on time for anything these days.
That's okay.
It's no big deal.
Are you sure? Because I'd hate for those 32 seconds to ruin your whole day.
Okay.
This is the kind of stuff that bought me my boat.
Why don't you guys go ahead and tell me what's going on.
Gemma doesn't take my feelings into consideration.
Oh, please.
He's the one who doesn't consider my feelings.
Seriously? Just because I forgot to squeeze out a sponge one time? One time, huh? So when you cleaned up after lunch today, you squeezed it out? Every last drop.
Okay, then, uh, what's this? Great, now you bring your big purse? Okay, obviously you two are having some communication issues.
Gemma, you're unhappy about that disgusting sponge.
Dave, what's something you're unhappy about? Okay, I'll tell you something.
I hate that you make me come to therapy.
What do you mean, you hate coming to therapy? That's right.
I've hated it since the beginning.
The only reason I agree to come here is because it's important to you.
Important to me? The only reason I come here is because I thought it was important to you.
Wait.
So, you don't like it either? Are you kidding? 30 days without sex? That could kill a girl.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Loving the communication, but let's not lose sight of the fact that you were 32 seconds late.
I feel like such a jerk for freaking out over those dumb previews.
You feel like a jerk? I smuggled a dirty sponge into our therapy session.
I even added extra water to it.
Gem, I'm so sorry.
Me, too, sweetie.
Look at that.
Another happy couple who can see that coming here is definitely worth the money.
When can we schedule your next session? Actually, I think we're good.
In fact, I think we should go home and start making up for that month we missed.
Right behind you.
And you call yourself a doctor? People could have died.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Look, uh, I was thinking, if you really want to try that intimacy thing, I'm willing to give it a shot.
Really? - Aw, thank you, baby.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe.
If you don't want to ride the rocket, don't light the fuse.
[LAUGHS.]
So, I was looking through Dr.
Chen's book and I think we should start off with an exercise called "Soul Gazing.
" Okay, what's that? Well, it's simple.
It's where we look deep into each other's eyes without talking.
It's supposed to open up new lines of nonverbal communication.
All right, okay, let's do it.
- All right, let's go.
All right.
- [SIGHS.]
Here we go.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
That-That's good, baby.
Uh, but a little more loving gaze and less creepy staring contest.
Okay.
You know, I'm not feeling this one.
Uh, let-let's try a different one.
All right.
Well, let's try Oh.
"Uninterrupted Listening.
" It's where we each take turns talking about our feelings for five minutes while the other listens supportively.
Okay.
That sounds easy.
All right.
You go first.
Oh.
Oh, well, oh, all righty.
Um well [CLEARS THROAT.]
I love you.
Okay.
And I love loving you.
And I feel like that's been about five minutes.
Really, Calvin? Seriously? We've been together all this time and that's all you got? Do you know how hurtful that is? You want to talk about hurtful? How about finding out after 31 years your wife doesn't think your marriage is as perfect as you do.
What are you talking about? I love our marriage.
Then why'd you make us go to that couples therapy? I mean, we have the best marriage of anyone I know, but after one minute with that doctor, she made you believe that we don't.
I just thought that it might bring us closer together.
Well, I don't think we can be any closer.
Okay, I may not be able to "gaze into your soul," but when you walk into a room, I can't take my eyes off you.
And okay, I-I may not be able to express my feelings for five minutes, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you every moment of the day.
Really? Damn right.
And I don't need some therapist or a dumb exercise to tell me how connected I am to you, because my heart tells me.
All the time.
See, baby, that's that's all I've been looking for.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I meant every word.
Mmm.
Mm, mm, mm! [BOTH LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
You know, maybe this stuff isn't so bad.
Now that we know I'm so amazing at it.
- [LAUGHING.]
- All right.
Now that I had my time, you want your five minutes? Okay, okay, I just got one more exercise I want us to do.
What? Meet me in the bedroom.
Yeah, bring that cocoa butter.
I want to take a trip to SeaWorld.
Well, you better put on your poncho, 'cause you about to be in the splash zone! Hey.
Let's go, Malcolm.
I've been honking for five minutes and I am not gonna be late for Muffin Monday.
Look, I don't care about that.
We need to talk about this damn therapy book.
Wait, you read it? Yes, the whole thing.
And there is not a single word in here about sibling dynamics.
Yeah, that's 'cause I made it up.
You say what now? Well, I just said that to see if you'd read it, and since you did, I know, no matter how much you make fun of me, you care about my feelings.
Wait, so you tricked me into wasting five hours reading this boring-ass book just to make yourself feel good? Yeah.
Fun stuff, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, you know, sometimes I really hate you.
Yeah, but five hours of reading says you love me more.