The Ranch (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

- All right, give it a try.
- All right.
[CAR ENGINE SPUTTERS.]
You know, Mr.
Bennett, you don't have to do this.
I can just get Colt to check it.
And as I'm saying that I know why you're checking it.
That's why I like you, Abby.
You're a smart girl.
Except for wanting to marry my son.
- Try it again.
- All right.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
Oh, my God! What did you do? Thank you.
Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Loose battery cable.
Nothing to worry about.
[CHUCKLES.]
Listen I didn't get a chance to tell you how happy I am about your big news.
Oh, it's all right.
I mean, between my mom crying and going for the liquor cabinet, and my dad screaming at Colt and going for the gun cabinet, [CHUCKLES.]
there wasn't a whole lot of time for anyone to sneak in, "Congratulations, Abby.
" It's like looking in a mirror.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're about the best thing that's ever happened to this family.
Thank you, Mr.
Bennett.
Hi, Dad.
And if you can, try to have a girl.
All right, if we're still best friends, you just say nothing and keep walking.
[LAUGHS.]
Knew it! You guys gonna be all right? Oh, yeah, you heard him.
We're still best friends.
Here.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Uh, I got you that for the road.
I know when you're pregnant, you got weird cravings, so I got peanut butter, pickles, mustard, Skoal - Skoal? - Yeah.
You just quit smoking.
So if you get in a bind, you just put a lip in.
[LAUGHS.]
- I'm good.
- Oh, thank God.
That's my last can.
He gives me his last can of chew? Now that is some real hillbilly love - right there, Bennett.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Come here.
Thank you.
Listen, um I've been thinking about the Peterson Ranch, and the baby and everything, and I I have an idea.
What if we ask my parents for some money? Sure.
Yeah, your dad hates me, hates that we're getting married, just found out you're pregnant.
Well, hell, he's probably on his way to the bank right now.
Why don't we just run over his dog? Maybe he'll give us more money.
I know it's a crazy idea, but I'm his only daughter.
My parents would do anything for me.
It's just What Wait, what's wrong? You got that look on your face like when we're at a restaurant and you're trying to figure out how much to tip.
What if instead of asking him for help, you ask him to invest in the ranch? Well, he makes money too.
Everybody wins.
It's like everything my dad hates about T-ball.
That is actually a great idea.
Okay, when you say "actually," it makes it sound like I don't usually have great ideas.
Oh, look at you.
You actually figured that out.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Damn right, I did.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wait.
What? [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Well, all in all that wasn't our worst Easter.
No cops, no deep-fried turkey fire.
You and Colt didn't try to juggle lawn darts.
[CHUCKLES.]
Come on! That year was our best Easter.
Got to ride around in an ambulance, got this badass scar, first time I ever had Oxy.
Sorry, first time I was ever prescribed Oxy.
That was Tylenol.
I took your Oxy.
Anyway, you didn't say much after your brother's big news.
I mean, you know, Abby's awesome, but it's like, it'd be nice to have a holiday where Colt doesn't get someone pregnant.
Now we're supposed to what? Just, like, let him off the hook? No, neither one of you are off the hook.
Just Colt and Abby are pregnant and we'll celebrate that.
You're gonna be an uncle.
Yeah, no, I know.
I'm gonna be good with the kid.
You know, get him ice cream and take him to the movies, get him some badass switchblades.
It might be a girl.
Oh, right.
Well, in that case, no ice cream.
I don't want her to get fat, you know? Rooster, body image is a serious No, you know what? Oh! Oh, no, Maggie, he likes that.
The only way to hurt him is to make fun of his hair.
[CHUCKLES.]
Happy Easter, Mary.
- 'Sup? - [MARY SIGHS.]
Happy Easter.
Darlene brought over her new boyfriend, who is under house arrest.
His ankle bracelet beeped the entire dinner.
Can't believe that idiot doesn't know you pry that shit off and you hang it on your dog's collar before you leave the house.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Yeah, well, ours sucked too.
Abby told us that Colt knocked her up.
Everyone was fighting, and in the commotion I thought my dip cup was the gravy for the mashed potatoes.
Holy shit.
Colt knocked somebody up again? Yep.
- Well, that boy is real good at one thing.
- [ROOSTER SCOFFS.]
- Well, welcome to being a grandma.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Look at us, we're a couple of GILFs.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll buy you a shot? Yeah.
Rooster, get the good stuff from the back.
What's the good stuff from the back? The Jack Daniels that I haven't watered down yet.
It's kind of weird seeing you on this side of the bar.
God, it must be nice to drink at work without having to go out to your car.
What is it with people in this town drinking in their car? I'm not working.
Rooster's just covering for me 'cause I'm helping out at the ranch.
We're stretched a little thin.
If you're looking for someone here, I could really use the work.
Cracker Barrel won't make me full-time 'cause they don't wanna give me health insurance.
And 30% off a chicken-fried steak dinner does not qualify as benefits.
Disagree.
Well, if I could afford to hire someone, you think Rooster would be working here? Oh, no, no.
I'm fine just working for tips.
Come on, it's a bar.
There's guys and alcohol.
I got the girls.
I'll make plenty of money.
Congratulations.
You're hired.
You know what? I'm gonna help Rooster find the good stuff.
Hello.
Mr.
Phillips.
Mrs.
Phillips.
Oh, hi, Colt.
Abby said you might be stopping by.
Hope it's not a big announcement, 'cause I'm all out of Xanax.
Oh.
Look, I know you guys aren't my biggest fan.
But I love your daughter more than anything in the world.
And I'm gonna be the best dad any kid could ever ask for.
We know.
So, you're coming around on me? No.
Right.
Oh, well, I hate to have to do this.
Um, especially after the news about Abby being pregnant.
But, uh, it's, it's kind of why I'm here.
I need to ask a favor.
I bought the Peterson Ranch 'cause it was a good investment.
[STUTTERS.]
And it still is, but I'm gonna need some help if I'm gonna make it through.
Well, if you're asking for money, I'm gonna have to say no.
No, no, no, no.
It won't be a handout.
I'll pay you back in full, with interest, as soon as we get the cattle to market.
[STUTTERS.]
I mean, this is a great opportunity, so I'll give you an hour to decide.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, on Shark Tank, Mr.
Wonderful says you gotta put a deadline on negotiations.
You know what? Take as much time as you need.
We've been thinking about your future, too.
We want you to come here and work at the dealership.
Wait, what? This is a solid business.
You'll have benefits and a stable salary starting at 25K a year.
And that's not it.
You'd also have commission and performance bonuses, plus full medical and dental.
And that's for your whole family.
Wow, that that's a hell of an offer.
And I don't remember the last time I went to a dentist.
And the hours are great, too.
You could have breakfast with Abby and the baby and then dinner with them at night.
Or if you're Chuck, you could use that family time to play golf.
Janice, I bought you clubs.
I've had a dead tooth for about two years.
[STUTTERS.]
That thing's like a Copenhagen storage bin.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
Wow.
Um Um [STUTTERS.]
This isn't the way I saw this going.
I know, it's a lot to take in.
Talk with your family.
But I gotta tell ya, there is nothing I would like more than for someday, all of this, to be yours and Abby's.
Well, I I really appreciate this.
[STUTTERS.]
I'll think about it.
I will.
Uh, thank you.
And who knows, maybe soon, Colt Bennett will be our employee of the month.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, maybe it'd be my picture on the that wall, huh? That's an "In Memoriam.
" But that dead son of a bitch could sell the shit out of a tractor.
[MARY.]
Hey.
Hey, Mary.
I thought we agreed, uh, no more booty calls.
Oh, did we agree to that? Or did you just keep texting me in the middle of the night until I blocked your number? [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, - that's how the dance is done.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
I, um, I just wanted to make sure you're You're cool with me working at the bar, right? Oh, so if I say no, I'm not cool with it, you're gonna quit? Fuck no.
And the dance continues.
[GRUNTS.]
Anyway, good luck concentrating at work when you see me staring all night at you like this.
[CHUCKLES.]
It looks like you're trying to read a word you don't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know what words I do know? Sex.
Boobies.
Don't you have a girlfriend? No, that's all done.
I gotta be free.
Like a bird in a Lynyrd Skynyrd song.
Oh.
Where was that bird when you were over at my house begging me to get back together? Please.
I was just trying to get in your pants.
That's my move.
Anyway, check this one out.
[GRUNTS.]
Mary.
You're so great.
I miss you so much.
Mm.
Oh, okay, so I'm supposed to be like, "Rooster, you're the man of my dreams.
Take me.
Take me now.
" [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
- You gotta get that? - No, it's just my boyfriend.
- You got a boyfriend? - Is that a problem? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well, I got two questions.
How big is he? And is he a member of any group that ends with the word "brotherhood"? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[MOTOR PUTTERING.]
We need to talk.
Shit.
Did you drink the Gatorade out of my truck? People like you.
Dad, it's me, Colt.
People listen to you.
I don't know why they do, but they do.
You've always been a leader.
Probably why you were a quarterback.
Thank you.
Certainly wasn't your arm.
You throw like a girl.
And we're back.
[SIGHS.]
What's all this about? Ever since I heard that Abby was pregnant, I've been thinking about what the future looks like for the two of you.
Actually, the three of you.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
And there is no future here.
This ranch is a sinking ship.
But you have the potential to do other things.
Things beyond this place.
You telling me to bail 'cause of the mess I got you in? No, this isn't your fault.
And believe me, I wish it was your fault.
[CHUCKLES.]
Whether we bought the Peterson Ranch or not, the writing's on the wall for people like us.
You taught me hard work can get you out of anything.
You've always been right.
Except for DUIs.
Colt, I'm a rancher because I never had any options, but you do.
As a father you want your kids to have a better life than you had.
That never happened around here.
That's never going to happen around here.
Don't do to your kid what I did to you and Rooster.
Abby's dad offered me a job.
I heard.
Take it.
It's I I wouldn't feel right leaving you and Rooster to Did you listen to anything I just said to you? Do you care about Abby and this unborn child of yours? - Of course I do.
- Then take the job.
[SIGHS.]
Will you stop your complaining? You're the one who wanted to get tied up.
Look, when I say I gotta pee, I gotta pee.
Hey, you wanna hang out? I was gonna watch Cops tonight.
See if we know anybody.
Oh! A few weeks ago, I saw my high school math teacher get busted selling pot.
So sad, kids today.
Fucking narcs.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, I can't.
I promised my boyfriend I'd meet him for dinner.
[SIGHS.]
It's cool.
No biggie.
So, uh, what's up with this new guy? Um, well, when we have sex, he doesn't say, "Can you smell what The Rock is cookin'?" Then we know that he's lame.
[MARY CHUCKLES.]
What's he do for a livin'? Well, you're not gonna like it.
He's a badass ninja sex assassin.
I don't recall seeing him at any of the meetings.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Are you jealous? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
You think the guy who just had sex with you is jealous of the guy that's gotta take you to dinner right now? Come on.
We're going to Red Lobster.
Shit.
Cheddar biscuits.
Guy's got game.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
No, I was just trying to figure out what we're doing.
Is this gonna be an everyday thing again, like drinking? Or like a once in a while thing, like brush your teeth? I don't know.
I mean, I just started dating him.
You and I have talked about my relationship with him more than he and I have.
All right, no pressure.
Whatever makes you comfortable.
How about this? When I feel like hookin' up, I'll send you a sexy pic.
And then you send me a picture back of you brushing your teeth.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Phillips.
Oh, please, you're family.
Call me Janice and call Chuck "Mr.
Phillips.
" Colt, you wouldn't believe the day we had today.
We sold a backhoe and a 3 Series tractor to Neumann's Hill.
And the guy who sold these, by the way that's his commission.
Whoo! [CHUCKLES.]
Forget that dead tooth.
I'm gonna have a gold tooth on that.
Whoo! I got somethin' for ya.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
All right, how do I look? Like a young, better-looking Chuck.
You look like you belong.
You look like family.
Oh! Well, we should celebrate.
I'm gonna go get some Hostess CupCakes out of the vending machine.
What do you got here? Oh, we just got these in today.
Kids wanna be like their daddies.
And daddies hate to see their kids cry.
Cha-ching.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't take the job.
What? I'm sorry, Mr.
Phillips, I I can't take the job.
Okay, so they come two per pack.
So I got four, so we have an extra.
Oh, shoot, I should've gotten three.
And then we each could've had two.
He doesn't want the job.
What happened? I want my kids to have the same experiences I had growing up.
Throwing a football in the pasture, riding Kitty Cats in the winter, swimming in that river.
You realize you're not just making a bad choice for you, you're making a bad choice for my daughter and my grandchild.
No.
My family is not just Abby and that baby.
It's my mom, my dad, my brother.
Every Bennett who ever worked their hands raw on that ranch.
Except for me.
I I moisturize, use a pumice stone.
I appreciate the offer, I do.
But this wouldn't be the right thing.
You wouldn't know the right thing if it landed in your lap.
You sure about this? Yeah.
Good luck, Colt.
Thank you, Janice.
- Hey.
- [SIGHS.]
You want a drink? I stole a bottle of the good stuff from Mom's bar.
Yeah, sure.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well at least you knocked up the right girl this time.
Yeah.
You know we won't name this kid Rooster, right? Really? That's weird.
Generally, tradition to name the kid after his father.
Hopefully, you won't fuck this up like everything else.
Oh, who's that? Another hot chick comin' for a little Rooster? Mrs.
Phillips.
Oh, nice.
Guess I'm gonna end up being your kid's step-grandfather.
Colt.
Rooster.
Hey, Mrs.
Phillips, I was just talking about you.
Hey, I just wanna say, uh, congrats on the grandkid.
I hope he has Abby's brains and looks.
And Colt's, um [CLICKS TONGUE.]
I don't know, sweet hat collection.
Mrs.
Phillips, how you doin'? I'm doing well, thanks.
Can we talk? Yeah, sure.
Have a seat.
Oh.
Wait, hold on.
There you go.
Can I get you something to drink? Well, maybe just a drop of whiskey.
All right, say when.
Okay, the glass said when, so Look if you came to talk about that job, my mind's made up.
What's this? It's a check.
I'm investing in your ranch.
Oh, my God.
It won't solve all your problems, but but it should help a little bit.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Thank you.
This is, uh This is amazing.
Uh What changed your mind? Chuck ever tell you how he started his dealership? A couple of times.
Said he, uh, used all his savings and opened up that place across from the Caterpillar shop.
Slashed his prices until he ran them out of town.
Usually ends with, "Then I'll run you out of town too, Colt.
" Yeah, that's what happened after he bought the place.
But he wouldn't have been able to buy it if he hadn't had any help.
No bank would touch us.
But he was so passionate about it that my uncle was convinced to help him out.
He had a little bit of money 'cause he never had any children.
He was a confirmed bachelor.
That's what we used to call gay men.
We call 'em roommates now.
You sure you wanna do this? We all need a little help, Colt.
Thank you.
And I will First thing tomorrow, I'll thank Mr.
Phillips, too.
Actually, he doesn't know I'm doing this.
I was hoping we could just keep this between the two of us.
Yeah I'm not sure I love my daughter, Colt.
I would do anything for her.
So would I.
Thank you.
Good Lord.
[CHUCKLES.]
Maybe we don't share that with Chuck either.
Yes, ma'am.
Have a fun drive home.
[FIRE CRACKLING.]
[SPRAYING.]
All right, get those Rain Birds all set.
- I got some of your old artwork.
- Oh.
Good.
My dad's sentimental about that stuff.
- Oh, uh, I grabbed my Xbox.
- Good.
- How much more is there? - That's pretty much the last of it.
We just gotta get the guns.
You see that fire? It is time to get the fuck out of here.
[SOMBER COUNTRY SONG PLAYING.]