The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s03e03 Episode Script

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
Testing.
Is that all right? Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And a little round-headed buffoon.
That is Karl Pilkington.
Right.
It's come to our attention that the allied forces Um, all around the world, in active service, fighting for their country Even though they're in danger, and they're missing their loved ones, they all have one thing in common.
The love of one man, the respect of one fellow soldier.
He's a civilian, but he's one of them.
He isto some ajust a, a little bald-headed fool.
Karl Pilkington.
Karl, what do you think? What do you think of this? It's an honor, isn't it, to do this? Yeah, it's all right.
Yeah.
Brilliant.
Okay, there's people out there, Karl.
They're fighting in Afghanistan, Iraqall over the globe.
They're in a dark building.
They're not breaking radio silence.
Morale often low.
There's one man they can turn to, to cheer em up.
Come on, they want some words of encouragement, some words of wisdom, something to keep them going.
A message to the troops.
Come on.
Go, Karl.
What is it? You're likeyou're like their Winston Churchill.
I don't know what to say to them really.
Do you know any soldiers? Well, yeah.
Me brother was one, wasn't he? Yeah.
But he got kicked out.
Why did your brother get kicked out of the Army? Um Well, there's a few things.
I I think he got a few chances.
I think the final straw was nipping out to get some fags in a tank.
Just think of at.
Just think of that.
Amazing.
Just see thatjust a little corner shop.
Just like the things shaking, jumping off the shelves.
And they're going, "What is this? What is going on?" Twenty Rothmans, please.
Yeah, there was loads of things.
It was that And what else did he do? I think the sergeant wasn't happy that me mum wrote Wrote the sergeant a letter, um, trying to get me brother out of going to Northern Ireland.
What did she say? I love this.
What did she say? She wrote a letter.
Wow.
Like tying to get him out of PE.
Oh.
Yeah, I kn.
Yeah.
It was all like Let's not forget He's got a chestie cough.
Let's not forget your, your mum Is a person who put Typex on a spider so your dad couldn't kill it so she knew, - it was the right spider in case - Oh, yeah Your dad killed the real spider, then thought, I better replace it.
I mean No, actually, it wasn't just that.
Incredible.
That was, thatit was Typex so that when me dad was vac-ing up, or me mum was vac-ing up, it stood out.
It wasn't like, it wasn't like branding a sheep.
- Right.
- It was there so it stood out.
'Cause they used to have like, um, what's her name? Laminate flooring.
Right.
And me dad changed it to darker carpet.
Right.
So all of a sudden you couldn't see it anymore.
I've never heard anything like this.
I don't remember this story.
You Oh, no.
No.
She, she had a pet spider? What do you mean? It was just a spider.
Yeah, yeah Yeah, he kept a, she kept a spider.
They had a spider, but then it became a pet, 'cause it was there all the time.
As opposed to just getting rid of it straight away.
Right? You know, because you didn't clear it, right, straight away, suddenly it's a pet.
- It's, it's - No, it's a house spider, 'cause they live in houses.
You make them welcome.
They get rid of other little bugs, and termites and stuff.
Me brother has left home.
I have left home.
Me sister's gone.
So it's for me mom, isn't it.
She's got a budgie.
There's only so much you can do with that.
It's not as free is it, as a spider.
- Right.
- So she just looks after that one.
- They love to - "Oh I'm so lonely.
"I'm bored of a budgie.
" "Get yourself a spider.
" "They live in holes.
" That's a different thing all together.
She just wrote to the sergeant and said, um Just sort of, you know, "Look "I didn't want him to join the Army.
It was his dad.
"Uh, he didn't get a job.
"His dad told him, if you don't get a job, you're going to join the Army.
"He ended up joining.
He's joined at a bad time.
"He hasn't had enough practice at this yet.
Can you just let him" Surely that's for them He hasn't had enough practice.
Surely that's for them to decide.
No.
Yes, and she's on there going, he can't shoot for toffee.
- Yeah.
Ha - He was all right about it.
The only thing that really annoyed him is Me mum started off the letter by saying, "Hello, Chuck.
" Not appropriate.
Andand he called back though.
He did call her, and said, "Look, you know, I don't appreciate it "Being called 'Chuck' and stuff.
But I got your note.
"You know, a lot of mothers are in the same boat.
" Sorry, he actually mentioned, "Don't call me Chuck?" Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, he brought it up.
Because it's all about respect, isn't it.
And Well, she's a civilian.
Yeah, but I suppose it's it's respect still.
He's putting his life on the line.
And someone's saying, you know, "All right, Chuck.
" So, uh, so he phoned back and he said presumably What? I mean, if I was him I would have Not only would I have sent him to, uh, Northern Ireland instantly.
Yeah.
I'd have put him in the most dangerous spot.
Yeah.
I mean, as punishment.
To get your mum to write a letter? No.
No He didn't ask me mum to do it.
She did it off her ownb ack.
He was probably horrified, wasn't he? Oh, wow.
Oh, that bit, imagine that.
The sergeant major go, "Attention.
Got a little letter here.
"Let me read it to you.
Hello, Chuck.
" Just reads it out.
And he goes "Pilkington? Come here you horrible little man.
" Imagine him reading out in front of the troops.
I remember sort of looking up to him thinking, "Oh, he's, he's in the Army.
I want to do that.
" And he used to come home quite a lot.
But he used to do me dad's head in, cause he'd turn up with like a wagon With like load of his mates in it just turning up Unsort of, you know, we didn't have any notice.
Just turn up, and he'd bring them all in.
"Come on!" They'd be drinking me dad's whiskey at kick off.
Me dad saying, "Get out.
" Mind the spider.
- And - Don't tread on the spider.
Yeah, he used to just turn up with like half of F-Troop, and they'd just take it over to the house.
And me dad used to be on nights.
So he'd hear all this going on Come down, go, "What's going on? Get out.
" And he's going, "Oh, come on, get out!" And they'd sort of kick off a bit, and I'd see him for a few minutes, and they'd drive off again on the truck.
Not a model soldier then? Uh, well, what's, what's a model soldier? I don't know I mean, I, I always thought it was good when I was younger, and you know, he joined.
I, I was Like, "Oh I'm going to do that when I get older.
"And me dad always said, 'You won't be able to cut it.
' He said, "You can't do it.
" Oh.
And I said, no, I can.
I can.
Look how good, 'cause I used to make me bed really neat.
All right.
So it was mainly housework you were good at? Yeah.
You're probably better off as a mum.
No.
No.
No.
It was like Because it has to be immaculate, doesn't it.
They look for no creases and that.
And I was a bit paranoid with me bed.
Just with the, with the duvet and that.
I used to Duvet, do they have duvets? Well, I don't know.
But just making the bed, pride, in appearance of, of the bedroom.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's sort of like discipline.
- Once, once I made it, - It's all about, yeah No one could sit on it.
I used to get all All stressed out and feel sick if someone came and sat on me bed after I'd made it.
Don't be coming in.
And it was annoying, 'cause that's where the C.
B.
was.
So everyone used to come in, they would go on the C.
B.
and sit on me bed.
They'd be going, don't sit on me bed.
I've made it.
Right.
Why did you used to feel sick? It was a bit of a thing.
I just didn't like it.
O-C-D? A little bit of, yeah.
It's like I've made I've gone to the trouble of making it.
Why would you just come in and sit on it? When I made it? Yeah, but what but hold on though.
You, you do that in the Army.
Sergeant Major comes in and goes, "Pilkington.
" And he just He does it for a laugh.
He turns over your bed.
He pulls out your locker.
He gobs on your shoes, right? He goes, "Start again you cunt.
" What are you going to do? Going to be sick? No, you're going to go "Yes, Sergeant Major.
I'm going to start again.
" No.
I'd say, why, why did you do that? - I'm missing home as it is.
- I'm stressed out.
I'm just trying to make meme, me surroundings as nice as possible.
Teddy's on the floor.
You keep coming in and messing with it.
Can you not do that? "Who are you talking to you little, bald cunt?" Maybe me dad's right then.
Cause he said He said, I mean Me dad sort of said the bed-making is all right.
He said, "But you're not that good with laces.
" Wow.
Did he have to tie your laces? Well, I justjust never been that good.
I can tie them, but they never sort of stay tied for a long time.
I have never seen him tie his laces.
I've realized that.
No.
He always comes indoes Suzanne do them for you? Is he an old manc one of those little manc trainers where they're all tucked in Where you don't see the laces? I tend to just get a good knot on them, and then just leave them And kick them off.
And then they're tied permanent.
So you've got slip-on, laced-up shoes basically? Yeah.
I don't like laces.
Well, they can't be tight enough.
Don't see why laces are good anyway when you're in the Army, especially with boots.
You have boots with like about 60 holes in them.
If you're in a rush if you're in bed, you get out of the bed.
You make the bed.
The sergeant comes in, rips it apart again.
He's going, there's a war.
You go, stop messing with the bed.
And then I'm there trying to put me boots on.
You got 60 laces.
I don't understand why Velcro hasn't been used.
Velcro is ideal for a war situation.
You're in bed.
Siren goes off.
You jump out.
Why do you want boots with loads of laces? Well, that's a thought for the, uh If there's any top brass listening.
How would you cope, Karl, in a war situation? Ignore the, the, the mechanics of being a soldier.
I'm talking about the fear.
I mean, these men and women are brave beyond compare.
Mmm Constantly under duress.
I was told I had good pain threshold.
By whom? Um, a woman at that face rub place I went to.
Right.
Shecause they ask you when you go in.
She said, what's your pain threshold like? I said, I don't know.
Trying to avoid it.
She was going, yeah, but you know, would you say very, very good, medium, or bad? I can't imagine you getting hurt much, because Because there's the signals to the brain.
You've got, you know, it just is dulled isn't it with you? So you don't really Yeah.
But then Suzanne always moans at me when I'm going, "Oh, God.
Me wisdom teeth is aching .
" She's going, "Oh, shut up.
" She said, "You haven't got any wisdom teeth, you dopey cunt.
" No.
She just always goes, "I had it.
I didn't make a fuss.
" But it's one of them things that you can't get through to peoplepain, isn't it? Yeah.
And they don't know what your pain threshold is.
So like I say, I've got brilliant pain threshold.
I'm saying, "Me tooth's hurting .
" She's saying, "Oh, shut up.
" But she doesn't know.
I wish you'd I think I've talked about it before about giving someone the pain that you've got.
So you go there.
Have a feel of that.
I'm in agony here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you've made it up that you've got a high pain threshold.
This isn't, this isn't No.
This is not scientifically proven.
No.
The woman told me.
The woman told me! Well how does she know? Because I haven't got to it yet.
- When I had the face rub - Yeah.
She was sticking electric into me head.
And she was going What sort of place is this? This wasn't a spa.
No, it was.
It's what they do now.
Jesus Christ.
Well, she, she I don't know.
So she just plugged something into the main? She plugged something in and rolled it over Did she have an assistant called Igor? Was it in a castle in Bavaria? She plugged this thing iv, rolled it over me head, and said, is that hurtin? And I was going, no.
She went, Oh right.
And she saidand then by the end of it, she said, look at that.
I had that on full.
I said, what is it? She said, it's an electric current that does something.
And I was going, really? - That does something.
- She's a scientist.
- And, um, yeah.
- She's a maniac.
She saidshe said, now, when you fill out that form, just put you're really good at pain threshold.
Put you're really good at.
.
.
you going to come again? Well, yeah.
Fifty quid, said like, let's try your testicles next time.
So, you know So how was thiswhat was this supposed to be achieving? It was like a face rub.
Why is, why is You've gone in for a facial, and she's testing out what your pain threshold is.
Well, that's what I said.
I said, hang on a minute What you mean? - It's supposed to be relaxing, this.
- Yeah.
Normally have whale noises happening.
Yeah.
And now it's going to be me screaming.
She said, no, no.
It's just you know, we have to ask.
We have to make sure.
'Cause there is a bit of pain.
You know, heat is heat, and it is hot cloths, Um, a bit of a rub.
There are thethere are the thumb screws.
Let's get the thumb screws out now.
And plus all that kidney stone pain that I have.
And Yeah, but you just were in agony when you had the kidney stones.
You don't, I don't remember you having this triumphant Sure you gave up instantly.
Yeah Winged and winged and winged Yeah, because you have to to get seen.
If I go in there and I'm going, I'm in agony.
And they're going, you don't look like you're in agony.
I'd be out the back of the queue.
So you have to go in and go And they're going, quick, get him in.
So pain threshold is good for yourself, but it's not good for other people.
So you were bullshitting? You didn't feel pain at all? I was in agony, but I can hold it off.
I can sit there and be quiet and have a sweat on.
But if you do that in a hospital waiting room, it will be the little div that's going in with a pan on his head, who's screaming and saying his head's throbbing.
That's what I'm saying.
So to get seen, you have to put onit's like a baby crying.
There's nothing wrong with it.
What is it crying for? It's probably hungry.
Well, I'm hungry.
I'm not crying.
But that's what they use, isn't it, to get attention? Right.
So you're, so you're braver than a baby is what you're saying.
You're braver than a baby.
That's what we've established here.
In some cases, and not in others.
When you fill out the form, can't you Not in others.
Sometimes babies are braver.
When are babies braver? You can chuck them in a pool and they don't panic.
I am rubbish.
Sorry.
Will you leave my baby alone? No, I'm doing an experiment.
Mr.
Pilkington, will you stop throwing children in the pool? - No.
Babies.
- You're, you're barred from this swimming pool from now on.
I mean babies.
It's the same way You can chuck one out of a window, and it can land, and it won't break its back, cause he's No, no.
That's not true.
Do not do that.
Do not do that.
You're a maniac You cannot throw a baby out of a window.
Overhear that.
You're thinking of a cat.
And don't throw cats out.
Don't throw any living thing out of a window.
You can't throw a baby out of the window and it won't break its back.
What are you talking about? No, it's just, there's a certain height It's all about us tensing up.
We tense up, don't we? It's likewasn't there 3omebody fell out of a plane? They passed out, and because they passed out when they landed they were relaxed.
They woke up.
They were like, bloody hell, what happened then? Someone fell out of a plane? That's bollocks.
It's not, honestly.
How far up was the plane? Oh, high up.
It's a plane, isn't it? Well, what's the lowest height that a plane could be at? Oh, well, even if it was at 30 feet, that's a height, isn't it, to fall without Yeah.
Exactly.
But if the plane Was the plane, was the plane just on the runway? No, it was high and up, high and up, it was high up enough Is this where you went for the holiday? We're going to high-up-enough? Fuck me.
Cunt can't even talk.
So, yeah, pain threshold.
I'm very good at it.
So, would you say you've ever been brave? Cause I was thinking before we did this, I can't think of a time when I've ever been brave.
I don't think I've been cowardly.
I've just never been in a situation where I needed to be brave particularly.
And I've always managed to avoid fights, conflicts Yeah.
See I, uh When I was in Sulford, I'd nip to Gregg's to get a pasty.
I heard some bells going off.
I came out, and saw I don't know what that is.
Went over to the car sort of, thinking, "Oh, I can't till I have this pasty when I get home "Cup of tea, nice cup of tea.
Maybe a bit a bread.
" I love the fact that his head was just filled with food, 'cause he was buying food and thinking food.
When he's eating, I'm thinking, I'm eating food.
Food.
Just, just one big globular mess of food cells in his head.
Yeah.
For the, for the duration of the food experience.
I can remember that food thought going on now, and it was probably like But I remember how happy I was.
I'm at the Gregg's, I've got what I want.
I'm on me way home.
This pie is hot.
It's going to be hot when I get home.
It's going to be a nice cup of tea, bread.
These are the things you save And yet you forget really important facts? Yeah, cause he doesn't know why wars are happening.
Yeah.
But he does remember this.
Yeah, but listen This is why I remember it.
Yeah.
Like I said, you forgot the bit that I said.
- A bell going off.
And then what's going on? - Hmm.
I am walking over the road, pop the key in the car.
I turn round.
Bloke comes running out of the post office.
Obviously the bell has gone off.
He's got a big shotgun.
Balaclava on.
And he stops and looks at me.
He's there with a big gun in his hand, and he's looking at me.
And I just I wasn't scared.
I just was thinking, does he want me pie? I remember thinking, if he said, if he said, "I want that.
" I'd have to give it up.
So a man with a gun I told Suzanne.
She said, no, he was probably thinking about nicking your car.
He's got your key What, he didn't have a car ready? He came, he had the balaclava, No.
He legged it.
He had the balaclava, the gun, and goes fuck me, I forgot the car.
In the end he sort of ran off down the back alley.
I love the fact that you He looked over at you for a split second, and you thought the might be interested in your pie.
Was there other people around? Were you sure this happened, and you weren't reading a comic book? No, it happened.
And so he looked you in the face? - Yeah.
Though his balaclava, - He saw you.
he made eye contact.
I looked at him.
Everything sort of stopped for a minute, and then he just sort of legged it off down the back alley.
And he, what, what did hewhat did you say to the police when you Obviously wit I didn't.
I didn't.
I just went.
Well, you were a witness to a crime.
I had me pie.
And like I said, it was warm.
It's not going to stay warm forever, is it? But when they, whenwhen it was on crime watch a few weeks It wasn't.
That's what was weird.
I said to Suzanne, oh, let's watch, like, Ground Reports, tonight.
See if I'm on the telly or anything.
Nothing.
Didn't even get reported.
Why would you be on the telly if you just ran away? Just in say CCTV or something like that if I was involved in it.
They went, this happened today in Tulford outside of Gregg's.
Are you this man with the pie? I wanted to make sure I was well out of this one.
Because Suzanne sort of said, "Oh, should you get involved?" But you shouldn't get involved, because then I'm at I'm at risk, aren't I? Nobody was killed.
Well, there you are.
We're back to bravery again, aren't we? Yeah.
Yeah, I have bravery.
Go on then? Next door but one, there's a fellow there.
He, uh, he likes a drink.
He came home late one night, banging on the door.
Obviously forgot his key.
He was trying to kick the door in.
I looked out the window going, who's that? Thinking someone's breaking in, right? I see it's him.
Now I saw all the curtains twitching.
They just went back to bed.
Now I kept an eye on him.
He kicked so hard, he fell back, dropped his curry, landed in the road.
- Dropped his curry! Oh, God.
- Right.
Why didn't he get a pie from Gregg's, cause that lands and it's still fine? So, anyway, he passes out.
Right.
Yeah.
Curry all over the shop And in the road.
- Cars come down that road.
- Yeah.
- Sometimes pretty fast.
And it's night time.
- Yeah, of course.
- Could get his head squashed.
And like I said, - Yeah.
Yeah.
curtains are still a twitching, no one's a helping.
I, I go out there, and I go, you all right? You all right? And he's, he's totally off his head.
He's obviously had a, you know, a right skin full.
And he's going, "Oh, where am I? Where am I?" I'm going, you're outside your house, but you've got to get off the road, cause yore going to get squashed.
So he's like, oh, and he could hardly move.
So I sort of picked him up, sat him on the pavement.
So I picked up the curry and stuff.
Suzanne came out.
What's going on? I said, oh, look at him.
He's in a right state.
Anyway, he's sort of coming round a little bit.
Um, In the end I said, where's your keys? Got him in his house.
Job done.
But that's not bravery.
There's was no threat you.
It's just put yourself out a bit for two minutes.
It is bravery because he's He's out of his head.
He could have thought I was attacking him, and he could have swung at me.
Now the good thing is He's lying in the road unconscious covered in curry.
- This, this is not a threat.
- It is a threat.
I'm out on the street late at night.
Someone could have come around the corner and thought I was mugging him.
- And what do they do? - And they would have attacked me.
Why would they attack you? That Because they think well hang on, what are you doing? People don't ask questions, cause you're not allowed to, like with the sergeant.
They chip in straight away.
I know what's going on here.
No you don't.
You don't know the full story.
He's pissed up, and there's curry all over him.
It isn't, it isn't blood.
It's masala.
You hear about this all the time.
Misunderstandings.
Now, I helped him.
The day after he remembers.
He comes round, and he gave me some mince meat that he had left over.
I love this.
Where do you live? This is amazing.
Oh, my God.
Oh God.
So the thing is, it goes to show that I put myself out.
He appreciated it.
He said, "You're right, you know, the way cars come round here, "Oh, I'd I'd had a bit of a week, you know? I'd had a lot to drink.
"Good on you.
" And no one else chipped in.
Now it is bravery, kind of No.
Cause no one else went out there and helped.
You didn't even know about that.
It's only cause you just asked.
It was ages ago.
I don't shout about it.
I don't want an award.
Have a go hero.
I don't want any of that.
I just There's no have-a go-hero about it.
Did you, did you take the mince meat? Yeah, I did.
Yeah.
It was good stuff.
Yeah.
That's better than awards in a way, isn't it? I told him that.
So it depends.
I think there's different ways Fucking mince meat.
I love that.
I was, uh I was saved by a, a bald man.
Slaughtered my finest pig and mince the meat and send it to him.
What about phrases from the warry days? What about things like, um, "Careless talk costs lives.
" What did you make of that? Careless talk? I suppose just busy chatting in a trench rather than No it doesn't.
It doesn't mean that.
Have another go.
"Careless talk costs lives.
" They used to have posters up all over in London and other cities.
Careless talk Costs lives.
There was another one.
There's another saying that means the same that might give you a clue.
The walls have ears.
Yeah.
But that just means, uh Don't be slagging someone off, because someone will hear it, pass it on.
And then they'll end up fighting their own instead of who they should be fighting.
Well, no.
You're almost there.
No But think about what you mean when It's not about gossip.
It's not about Well, in a way it is.
But it's very specific gossip.
It's aboutmuch more important tittle tattle.
Careless Whispers? No.
That's, that's, that's George Michael.
Say again.
What's the first one again? "Careless talk costs lives.
" I don't know.
I imagine it being like a Don't go shooting your mouth off about things you know About the war effort, cause there might be a German spy in the pub, disguised as a barmaid.
Oh, you're lovely, Tracy.
She's goin yeah, I am, Karl.
What do you know about the war? No, that's true, that does happen.
I remember Me brother being in the Army.
Hehe yelled the same thing.
What? He was told, he was told not to 'Cause he liked the women and that.
And he was told, listen - One of them might be a German spy? - Yeah.
Said don't, don't be going out with German women, 'cause they're quite muscley and Could be a man? Could be a gang of them.
No.
And they'll do you in.
Sorry.
Your brother was told.
Don't go out with a gang of German women, 'Cause they're quite muscley, and they might do you in.
Yeah, because it's all part of the thing.
They sort of go out, like you say, pretending they're just like women out on the night.
'Cause he washe was in Germany for a bit.
He was posted over there.
- Right.
- And Apparently they target like British soldiers and that.
And like I say, he, he liked his women.
He'd just go along with it thinking this is good.
Um, you know, achtung, baby, or whatever.
- And U2.
- Hey, achtung, baby.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, achtung, baby.
- Yeah.
And then, you know, got him in a headlock and, you know, Good night, Vienna.
Hold on.
Good night, Vienna.
Oh.
Why, why would thewhy are these random German women just killing Helpless British blokes.
Whatwhat's the reason for this? It was a proper thing.
I remember him telling me Telling me mum, saying, "Oh, God.
I had a right dilemma.
Met some women, German.
Couldn't go with them though, cause we were told" "That they might be, you know, might be trouble.
" Really, yeah.
Honestly.
That's, that's a fact.
So British soldiers were getting beaten up by German women.
This is not true.
Can't be.
Why? If you're caught off guard, you're just thinking, oh, you know, out with the ladies.
And then they suddenly turn on you.
It's a shock.
- But, but why are they beating him up? - It's a surprise element.
It'syou're presumably talking about the Cold War.
Because he's a soldier.
- Yeah, but we were - Yeah, but they, they they were allies then.
Well When your brother was stationed in Germany, he wasn'tit wasn't occupied Germany.
We hadn't invaded.
It wasn'tit wasn't the German resistance.
They were stationed there because we're all in it together now.
I don't know then.
There was just a problem with German women.