The Righteous Gemstones (2019) s03e03 Episode Script

1
[TV STATIC DRONES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
There will come a payday ♪
Hallelujah, what a payday ♪
There will come a
payday someday, someday ♪
There will come a payday ♪
Hallelujah, what a payday ♪
There will come a payday someday ♪
When I laid my work by ♪
I've a home in the sky ♪
For there will come a payday someday ♪
Where no interest comes
due or notes to renew ♪
Oh, there will come a payday someday ♪
Here, I work every
day for such bigger pay ♪
But there will come
a payday someday ♪
And the title's not clear
to the home I own here ♪
But there will come
a payday someday ♪
There will come a payday ♪
Hallelujah, what a payday ♪
There will come a
payday someday, someday ♪
There will come a payday ♪
Hallelujah, what a payday ♪
There will come a payday someday ♪
♪
Our wonderful Lord
gives a home as reward ♪
'Cause there will
come a payday someday ♪
His work cleanly shows
he'll never foreclose ♪
He promised a payday that day ♪
When the door opens wide
with its beauty inside ♪
Oh, what a grand payday that day ♪
With a handshake and then,
"Brother, come right on in" ♪
Hallelujah, what a payday that day ♪
ALL: There will come a payday ♪
Hallelujah, what a payday ♪
There will come a
payday someday, someday ♪
There will come a payday ♪
Hallelujah, what a payday ♪
There will come a payday someday ♪
Yes!
Baby Billy loves you now.
Baby Billy loves you so much.
It's so good to be with all y'all
here at Zion's Landing.
Now, come see me now, 7:00
at the Mangrove Pavilion,
every night.
You gon' love it.
[SCATTERED CHEERS]
Every night.
[BABY CRYING]
- Daddy's home.
- Ugh.
Must be hot out there.
You bet your ass it's hot.
It's hotter than hell,
if I'm being honest.
- [GRUNTS]
- [SIGHS]
If we weren't staying
in this fancy hotel,
I don't think I could do it.
Yeah, the commute ain't bad.
The rest of it's wearing thin,
singing by a fucking pool.
It's a nice pool.
You're doing so well for
somebody who used to be
a famous singer long ago.
What you talking 'bout,
used to be famous?
I'm still famous.
Of course.
Why do you want to play mind games?
Get all in my head?
Baby, you're being silly.
I'm very proud of you, and so is Lionel.
Aren't you, buddy?
Everybody that's famous knows
that true famous people
go through different phases
on the Being Famous Train.
I'm a international-known talent.
I deserve a mainstay,
not singing for a bunch of
basic Christian sun bums.
Yeah.
[BUZZER BEEPS]
That's what I need right there.
My own game show.
Just standing in air
conditioning all day,
looking cool, being charming.
Boy, I bet they knock out
20 of them episodes a day,
printing money.
Bet you a game show host
makes a bunch of money.
Yep.
That pretty girl that hands out prizes,
she makes a lot of money too, now.
I can hand out prizes on TV?
Well, you the prettiest girl I know.
And if Lionel learns how to speak,
he could be our announcer.
And a job for our baby Aimee-Leigh Jr.
when she gets born.
If she's got talent, you bet your ass.
I think we just witnessed
a mission from God.
Is that what that was?
It's time for Baby Billy to be
back on the motherfucking TV.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yay!
Praise ♪
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
Praise ♪
Them feds were everywhere,
jumping out from trees,
behind bushes, screaming and hollering.
So much screaming and hollering.
Motherfuckers got Ruby Ridged.
We made it to the safe house,
but then Pa said y'all called the feds,
and he accused us of helping you.
[MUMBLING] And don't forget about
cutting the tip of Jacob's ear off.
Chew your food.
God gave you teeth for a reason.
Yes, ma'am.
You sure you didn't
tip off the law, Eli?
I could see you doing that.
I already told you no.
I never wanted nothing to do with this.
Well, he thinks you did,
and that's all that matters,
so now we're on his shit list too.
Thanks, Mama.
How can you hate me more than him?
Blame me for everything.
Everything's my fault!
Because everything is your fault!
Bringing the Gemstones into this?
Now look where we are.
In a mansion, wearing fucking bathrobes?
- [CHOKING]
- Oh, shit!
All right, Chuck, stop your
fussing and your talking back.
Just come home.
We ain't going nowhere with you.
Get that through your head.
We'd rather be homeless
bums living under a bridge.
We would?
Yes, Karl, we would.
[GASPING] Why?
May-May!
Where the heck you think
you're going, dummy?
You heard 'em. Just
like you, they hate me.
Maybe they grew up
smarter than they seem.
Is this how you're
gonna handle your boys?
Just walk away?
If I don't leave, they're going to.
At least here, there's guarded gates
between them and their father.
No, no, you're not
sticking your boys with me.
No, I'm not harboring fugitives.
Now, I'll give 'em some
walking around money
- and send them on their way.
- No, you won't.
They'll get themselves killed.
You keep 'em here. You keep 'em safe.
You're their uncle.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Do you want me to say
"please"? Fine, Eli.
Please, please keep that
wicked man away from my sons.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
♪
She kung fu'd my larynx, Daddy.
My voice is God's gift, dude.
May-May could have ruined
that forever just now.
Yeah, what were you thinking, Daddy?
You won't even help your own kids,
but you'll take in these bozos?
Two fucking fugitives just
roaming around the compound
like damn free-range chickens.
They're not livestock, Jesse.
They're our family, first cousins.
Uh, they're fucking
Montgomerys is what they are.
Fucking savages.
I have zero sympathy for that family.
- Zero.
- Same.
You know what we should do, Daddy?
We should be all "return to sender."
Ship 'em right back
to crazy Aunt May-May.
Mm-kay? Let her deal with it. Bye-bye.
She can't deal. That's why they're here.
Make your cousins feel comfortable.
They're family. Spend
some time with 'em.
Gross.
We don't want to spend
time with them creeps.
- Mm-mm.
- You think I want 'em here?
I'm not asking. I'm telling.
Shit. One of 'em's looking.
Okay, I just saw one of 'em look
and then duck down,
Haunted Mansion style.
Just watch.
- See? There they are!
- Oh!
Fucking Montgomerys.
We see you!
Let 'em watch.
Yeah, fuck y'all.
[LAUGHS]
Sit and spin, bitches.
Go home. Nobody likes you here.
That's what we think
about our cousins, Daddy.
Yeah, we don't like them.
[KNOCKER RAPPING]
BJ. Is Judy here?
No, she's out.
What did you need?
I had something for her.
Here.
If she wants me to explain
how to use it, I can,
or there's also a video included
that can explain it as well.
Is this a board game? We love games.
No, it is the opposite of a silly game.
It's The System, my at-home
relationship counseling kit.
Counseling?
Did Judy ask for this?
No, I was just, um
I was just dropping it by
in case she wanted to take a look at it,
'cause she didn't ask for it,
'cause she doesn't need it.
No one needs it.
There are people that need it.
But there's no specific reason
why I'm bringing it by today.
Well, I'll make sure she gets it.
The System?
That's where they keep the cars, right?
- Think so.
- [CHUCKLES]
Where the fuck do those
honkies think they're going?
Oh, wow.
These motherfuckers.
[DRAMATIC GUITAR MUSIC]
No way.
[LAUGHS]
♪
It's the Redeemer!
- [LAUGHS]
- Whoo!
I can't believe he's still got it.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's so pretty.
Oh, I want to get all up in there.
Get in there, big brother. Get in there.
- Help me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [GRUNTING]
- Yep.
What's it like? What's it like?
- It's amazing.
- [LAUGHS]
- It's fucking awesome!
- Whoo!
Oh, my God!
Chuck, you were born
to drive that thing.
What should we smash?
Everything!
[HORN HONKING MUSICALLY]
Yeah! Whoo!
No, God damn it!
That's private property right there.
Get your greasy, grimy
Montgomery paws off my truck!
Well, sorry, Jesse.
I mean, we just can't
believe you still got it.
We remember you smashing
and crashing stuff
just like it was yesterday.
I bet she still purrs like a kitten.
Don't you talk about
that thing being a kitten!
That's my monster truck.
That's a five-ton wrecking machine, son.
Get out before you break something.
Take it easy, Jesse.
Take it easy? Take it easy.
- Got it, Chuck?
- Take it easy, huh?
Truck just brings back
some fond memories.
You ever take her out anymore?
Ooh, I'd love that!
Oh, please, Jesse?
I never got a chance to drive it.
And you never will, numb nuts.
Just 'cause my daddy says
it's cool for y'all to stay here
doesn't mean we're gonna be cool cousins
all now of a sudden.
We ain't cool cousins,
and we never will be again.
[SNIFFS] You smell that?
Yeah.
You boys need to go shower off or wash.
I smelled your balls
the second I rolled up
in this motherfucker.
Stink worse than my
middle school locker.
That's my boy right there.
Go on and wash.
The little one's mean.
Yeah, you're damn right he's mean.
That's my son.
I make 'em mean.
Mean-ass Gemstones. Damn.
I don't know what it was like
in the little barn or manger
or whatever the fuck you were
born in, but in this house,
on this compound, we respect
people's private properties,
you greasy little animals.
"Porn equals Satan."
I like that one.
These protest signs are tops. [LAUGHS]
Peeps are gonna think twice, honestly.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- Yo.
- Hey, bud.
Check it out, bro.
I wiped out almost the entire inventory
of bullets and butt buzzers
and basically everything else
at the adult emporium off the highway.
And I know you said that
it wouldn't shut 'em down,
but due to supply chain issues,
they won't be able to
restock for a while.
Smart! Yes.
Dang, I am missing out
on all the fun lately.
My cousins are in town.
Daddy's making me hang out with them.
Now I've got to go to
some stupid cousins' night.
Cousins' night. Very interesting.
No, it's not. They are total weirdos.
A complete lack of knowing
how to fit in the world around them.
God, they sound awkward. [CHUCKLES]
Shall I make my sausage dip?
Those inbreds aren't
worthy of your sausage dip.
[BOTH LAUGH]
But, yeah, no, you should make it.
I'll put it in a special container
that'll keep it warm, and
you can carry it with you
to the family event.
[SOFT MUSIC]
Why don't you carry it with?
Keefe, you have to
come to cousins' night.
Come on, come to cousins' night.
[GRUNTS]
I ain't a cousin, though.
I know you're not a cousin.
You're my best dude friend
of a cousin.
Wow, never done a cousins' night before.
Maybe I'll bring some
flames and the swords.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, totes, you should.
But let's keep our expects in checks.
My cousins are kind of diarrhea people.
There is nothing that
we take more seriously
than our marriage.
That's why I created The System,
a program that you can use at home
to help your marriage
better honor Jesus Christ.
Now, when I want to say
something or do something
that would reflect poorly
in the eyes of our Lord,
I take one of these gemstones
and I'll plop it into
this vase container.
Now I know that Jesse is trying.
He almost said something hurtful,
but instead, he let the
gemstone do the talking.
I love my wife.
It's so simple. It works.
Creating The System was
a work of passion for me.
What the fuck are you watching in here?
Horror movies?
No, The System.
Amber dropped it off.
I guess it's something she
and Jesse made and sell.
[SCOFFS] Good luck.
Couples therapy of some sort.
- And trust me
- Couples therapy?
My wife spent a lot of time
No.
More time than I would
have liked her to
Bitch.
Yeah, at first, I was like,
"Wait, Amber, do you
know something I don't?
Why do you think we need The System?"
Exactly. This was, like, very
fucking dumb of her.
Bitch is trying to fuck with me.
Well, how so?
By pulling, like, junior
high mean girl shit, BJ.
Don't touch anything
else in there, okay?
All this stuff's poison.
It's going back.
Well, I don't think we should be rude.
BJ, our marriage is solid. Okay?
There's there's
nothing to work on here.
So fuck The System, okay?
[GRUNTING]
And fuck Amber too!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Now, every episode starts out the same.
Old Baby Billy, he comes out like that.
I make me some jokes.
Current events. Hot
styles. Nothing edgy.
We're gonna keep it light so
we don't limit our audience.
And then I introduce two families.
I banter with them,
I do some chit-chat,
maybe I kiss 'em on the cheek.
And then one by one, they compete,
doing trivias from the Bible.
Bible.
Sorry, buddy. [GIGGLES]
Hey, buddy.
This right here.
Uncle Baby Billy, isn't
this just exactly the pitch
for "Family Feuds"?
Yeah, did you run this past Daddy?
Why I got to run this by Eli?
Everybody knows y'all running shit,
unless you ain't got purchase power
- or you can't pull the trigger.
- [SCOFFS]
No, no, we got purchase power.
We can pull triggers, homie.
Then I suggest you pull the trigger
on this here hit TV series.
Go on, take it off the market.
It's exactly "Family Feuds."
It ain't no "Family Feud."
This is "Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."
"Bible Bonkers"?
"Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."
- "Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."
- "Baby Billy's Bible"
- Bible Bonkers.
- Bible
- Bunker Baby's
- Baby Billy Bible Bonkers.
Yeah, roll that around in your mouth.
- That's fun, ain't it?
- You know what?
I already know how
I'm gonna vote on this
if we just want to
end this meeting early.
Plus, I got some stuff that
I got to hash out with Jesse.
The hell you got to hash out with me?
What I got to hash out with you
is you tattling on me
to your damn Fembot.
Oh, come on. You're
mad 'cause I told Amber
that you're having an affair
with a man named Stephen?
Affair?
Stephen? Who the fuck is Stephen?
Now you done told two more people.
Jesse, fuck me, man!
He told three.
Lionel's here too now. He heard it.
Look, can we please just
concentrate on my pitch?
Come on, now.
I think my executive vote
is no on "Bible Bonkers."
I don't like it.
Well, that's one thing
I can agree with you on,
you fucking tattletale.
What, you really gonna
say no to this concept?
- Not today, Double B.
- Nah, dog, this ain't it.
Not on our network. This
is not the kind of stuff
- we put on our network.
- Mm-mm.
Y'all can't even see solid gold
when I'm shitting it
right in front of you.
Y'all just piss me off.
No wonder your fucking numbers are down.
You think you can ship
me off to paradise,
make me sing by a pool
all motherfucking day,
getting a suntan, drinking
piña coladas for free,
living in a penthouse?
Huh? No.
I'm a international-known talent.
I deserve more than that.
You haven't seen the last of me.
I mean, you're our uncle.
I'm assuming we're gonna
hear from you again.
You damn right you will.
[DRAMATIC WHISTLING MUSIC]
Let's go. Come on, Tiff.
Okay.
I'm just gonna leave this
here for y'all to study.
- You could take all this.
- Take all that shit.
We don't want it.
Uh, you left your kid here.
Oh! I'm sorry, baby.
[GIGGLES]
Bye, y'all. That was fun.
- Love you, Aunt Tiffany.
- Love you, baby.
- Bye.
- Bye.
"Your people shall be my people.
"And your God, my God.
"And where you die, I will
die, and there will I be buried.
"And may the Lord do
so to me, and more also,
if anything but death
parts me from you."
This week, let's think of Ruth,
think of the commitment
that we have made
to the people that we love.
Until next time, praise He.
ALL: Praise He.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
[DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
♪
Hey, ladies. Thank you.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt your
zombie bitches prayer group,
but I brought something
for your nosy ass.
Oh, my word.
Yeah, my word.
Are you fucking dumb?
Bringing a dang
marriage counseling thing
to my fucking house?
I don't know what you
think Jesse told you,
but my conscience is clean, chick.
This church needs a win, Judy.
The decline is real.
We need people to show up.
We need people to believe in us.
We do not need a scandal.
- End the affair.
- Dummy, I did end it.
You did?
Yes, told him to fuck off.
I love BJ, okay?
I gave him some money.
Hopefully that'll make it kosher.
Well, good.
Then that's that.
That is that, so you don't ever need
to worry about it again.
- Fuck off, Amber.
- Fine.
Fine.
Coming to cousins' night?
Duh. Daddy's making me.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Oh.
You boys got any plans tonight?
Yeah, the cousins invited
us out for a cousins' night.
A cousins' night?
Imagine that.
I'm surprised they want to hang
the way they've been acting.
They don't seem to care for us at all.
Well, they invited y'all
on a cousins' night.
Maybe they're trying.
You know, we really appreciate
you letting us stay here, Uncle Eli.
I don't know where we'd
go if it weren't for here.
You could go live with your mama.
I know she ain't perfect,
but she does love you boys.
Go live with Mama? [SCOFFS]
I don't think there's room
in that utility closet where she sleeps.
Utility closet?
Mama sleeps at the church.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
Oh, how wonderful a
poor man's life could be ♪
If you want to, you can live ♪
That's not hygienic.
There's, like, dead
birds probably in there.
Take your family to church
on Sunday just like me ♪
Oh, how wonderful ♪
You guys! Oh, nasty!
Don't hey! Don't
drink that water, man.
That pond is filthy.
Hey, dummies, that's a trout pond.
Nothing but stink slicks and dead trout.
- The water's great!
- Yeah!
It's nice and crisp.
Come on in!
I feel like I'm up in the zoo right now
watching the gorillas get washed.
About to start throwing
their poo at each other.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, holy smokes.
What's Karl got cooking
under his trunks?
He's got tons of hairs.
Looks like he got a chinchilla
- stuffed up in there.
- [YELLS]
Y'all, look, that's your
family out there, okay?
Why don't you stop making fun of them
and go converse with them?
I don't know what to
say to them weirdos.
Why don't you go converse with them?
Yeah, go hug them while they're wet.
[LAUGHTER]
- Well, well.
- [BABY COOING]
Looks like everybody's getting loose.
How come you not gon' tell
us about cousins' night?
Well, because y'all aren't invited.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Lionel's your cousin, dummy.
How you not gonna
invite your first cousin
to cousins' night, huh?
Cousins' night is about
adult cousins, dog.
- Ain't no babies.
- Hey, Lionel's your cousin,
and you will damn well
treat him like one.
I will not have baby Lionel
miss out on proper cousinship
just 'cause he's young.
Now, we gon' do cousins' night now.
Baby Lionel's eating dirt.
Huh? [LAUGHS]
Somebody's not gonna have
any room left for barbecue.
[LAUGHS]
[SOFT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
[BRASH ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
[GENTLE COUNTRY MUSIC]
♪
Don't you have any help for that?
I don't rely on others.
I do things for myself.
♪
Where do you live, May-May?
[SIGHS] Oh, the Lord takes care of me.
Do you live here?
I can't have you live like this.
Oh, what, are you afraid
of what the world will say
if they found out Eli
Gemstone lets his sister
live in squalor?
You never lifted a finger to help me.
I ain't asking for it now.
Come stay.
You should be with your boys.
Take a lot more than just
time to heal those wounds.
I'm surprised you care about that.
Surprised I do too.
You remember what we practiced?
- Most of the parts.
- Then let's go bonkers.
So Judy tells me your
lives might be in danger.
- That's horrifying.
- [LAUGHING] BJ!
Don't be acting like I'm spilling beans.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm
not supposed to know
y'all are wanted dead.
Judy and I share
everything with each other.
Welcome to cousins' night!
Now, tonight, you
gon' get a special treat
for cousins' night, because tonight,
we are gonna do a live test run
of "Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."
No, we ain't. What the fuck is this?
No, Baby Billy, we ain't
doing this Bonkers bullshit.
Come on, now, go with it.
Now, you don't think this
is a good idea for a show.
Well, you 'bout to see right here,
'cause tonight's show, you in.
Now let's welcome the Gemstone family
versus the Montgomerys.
Is this gonna be for the TV?
Well, if it's good, it will be, yes.
- Yeah. Let's, uh
- It's not.
Here we go. Come here. Uh, you are?
- Karl.
- Karl Montgomery.
And and what what do you do?
- Lawn care.
- Who-what?
- Uh
- Landscaping.
Oh, you mow grass. All right.
- Yeah.
- Good. Yeah.
Who are you and what do you do?
Chuck. I just work with my brother.
All right. Uh-uh.
Now we coming to the
Gemstone side of the table.
Okay, little weirdo boy
with the puffy muscles,
who are you?
I'm Kelvin. We're not doing this, dude.
Your shit sucks, Baby Billy.
Hey, now, don't use that
kind of language, Judy.
This a family show, now.
You ain't family.
So what do you do?
I run the motherfucking church, stud.
Running the church and running around.
Ooh! [LAUGHTER]
Ooh!
Uh, who are you?
Look, when we're done
with these introductions,
can we just kill it, all right?
This isn't really an
appropriate time to be
doing the damn holy moly
show or whatever this is.
Hey, this ain't no holy moly show.
This is "Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."
The two first-born from each family,
y'all come up here in the middle.
Come on, come up here in the middle.
Come on, Jesse, let's go. You can count.
Baby, just go. Shut him up.
- Get him, big brother.
- Let's go.
Be a good sport.
- Come on, baby.
- It's so lame.
All right, let's go.
Right up here. Come on.
Look, if I get the answers wrong,
it doesn't matter because this isn't
fucking real to begin with, okay?
Just get up there and beat
his fucking ass, Jesse.
Let's go, Jesse.
You got this.
Hit it, Tiff.
[KEYBOARD PLAYING UPBEAT MELODY]
♪
Great job, Tiff. All right.
First question. Here we go now.
- How do we buzz in?
- Hey.
Yeah, these buzzers aren't even real.
I mean, this is stupid.
What the hell are we doing?
Don't be saying, "What are we doing?"
Just buzz in with your fucking mouth.
I'm sorry, there will be
no cursing on this program.
First question, now.
Who got Joseph thrown into
prison by lying about him?
- [BOTH IMITATE BUZZER]
- BOTH: Potiphar's wife!
Potiphar's wife is correct.
Damn, we got to do a tiebreaker.
Second question.
Who else was in prison with Joseph?
[IMITATES BUZZER]
The Pharaoh's cupbearer
and his butler.
- Wrong!
- Mm-mm.
Montgomery's chance to steal.
Fuck. That was an easy one, Jesse.
Damn it.
Pharaoh's cupbearer and chief baker.
Correct.
- Montgomerys have the lead.
- Whoo!
No, they don't have the lead.
Don't cheat, Jesse.
I know that must be
tough for you Gemstones.
I'm not! You know what?
The Montgomerys don't have the lead.
I'm not playing this game anymore.
I don't like fucking
Bible Bunkers Babies!
I'm not doing this!
Game over. Shut it down.
You still the same
old spoiled, sore sport
you were when we were kids.
Hey, can you do me a favor, Chuck?
Why don't you go fuck yourself, okay,
and then go find a family
that actually cares about you,
you fucking Montgomery.
Well, I'd rather be
a Montgomery than a Gemstone.
I thought it was just
your mommy and daddy
that didn't care about
others, but the nuts don't fall
too far from the tree.
Hey, yo, you'd better watch
what you say about our mama.
Take a seat, Judy Gemstone.
The menfolk are talking,
and those kind of chime-ins
are not appropriate.
Judy, keep your earrings on, girl.
Why is she taking them earrings off?
'Cause we finna fight, boy.
Please, Judy, no, don't fight.
No, there ain't gonna be no fight.
There's just gonna be a 187.
I'll cut you from fucking
stem to sternum, you bitch.
- Oh.
- Come on, I'll kill you.
- Stick him, Jesse.
- I got a knife too.
- Oh, my Lord.
- Y'all play too much now.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Jesse Gemstone, you put that knife away.
I'll put my knife away
when he puts his knife away.
Well, I ain't putting my knife away
unless he puts his knife away.
Well, then I guess we're keeping
the fucking knives out!
You just gonna circle each other,
or someone's gonna do a stabbing?
Get your bitch.
You big bitch.
Oh, my God. Guys, he's choking.
No, not him. Him!
[CHOKING]
- Karl?
- Oh.
- Karl?
- Spit it out.
Come on, Karl. Come on.
Spit it out, Karl!
- Spit it out!
- Hit him!
Hit him harder!
Karl, come on, Karl!
- Heimlich his ass!
- Lick his what?
Hurry up! He can't breathe!
- Guys, he don't look so good.
- Oh, my God.
I can't get my arms around him.
He's too big.
Jesse, bend him over the table!
- Karl, don't die!
- Get him! Ram him!
- Ah!
- Yes!
- [GRUNTING]
- Come on, he's gonna die!
He can't breathe!
We got to do it at the same time!
- Okay!
- On on on three!
Three, two, one!
[GASPS]
[COUGHING]
- Karl?
- BJ.
- [COUGHING]
- Karl?
Oh!
- Are you okay?
- Uh
Chuck, I was so scared.
I couldn't breathe.
That's why we're always saying,
"Chew your food."
- I'm sorry, Chucky.
- It's okay, buddy.
I'm sorry. I won't do it again.
You're okay now.
[BOTH SOBBING]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Hey!
- Cousins.
- Hey.
Hey.
It was nice hanging out
with y'all tonight, cousins.
And and no one thinks less
of you because you choked,
Big Karl.
- Thanks, guys.
- Where y'all going?
Just walking back to our daddy's?
We ain't got nowhere else to go.
Well, let me give you a ride.
Okay.
Cool.
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]
I think it's a great idea
even if nobody else does.
Oh, I appreciate the support, baby.
But they gon' buy "Bible Bonkers" now.
There will come a payday.
Lionel's asleep in the back.
You think maybe I can get some ass?
[LAUGHS]
There's a road right up here.
Can we get some waffles
after we get some ass?
- You bet we can.
- [LAUGHS]
Turn your radio on ♪
Heaven's glory shared ♪
I smelled the meat that
came out of your cousin.
It wasn't the sausage
dip that choked him.
It it was poultry.
Gross, Keefe.
And no, I didn't think
it was your sausage dip.
- That stuff's too good.
- [LAUGHS]
And your fire dance was lit.
Easily the best part of 'tis eve.
You never disappoint.
Good eye tonight, Beej.
Helped save cousin Karl's
life, you dang hero.
I'm not a hero.
I'm an optometrist.
We see everything.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
- Come here.
- Oh.
Getting a hug ♪
From my beautiful wife ♪
We're gonna be
having hot sex tonight ♪
Oh, this feels so good.
♪
Listen to the songs of the fathers ♪
And the mothers and the many friends ♪
Gone on before, turn the radio on ♪
- Turn the radio on ♪
- Turn the radio on ♪
Turn the radio on ♪
Some eternal morning,
we shall meet them ♪
Over on the hallelujah shore ♪
Yeah, get that spot over there.
- Yes, ma'am
- Turn your radio on ♪
- Turn your radio on ♪
- Turn your radio on ♪
And listen to the music in the air ♪
- Turn your radio on ♪
- Turn your radio on ♪
[BOTH HOWLING]
[ALL HOWLING]
Turn your radio ♪
On ♪
♪