The Royle Family (1998) s03e03 Episode Script
Decorating
# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (Radio) # Why does it always rain on me? # Is it because # Could Dave not have given you a hand with this, Jim? No, he's under Denise's bloody thumb, isn't he? The lanky streak of piss.
Seen him carrying the baby around all the bloody time? I never, ever picked me kids up.
Unless they fell over.
Me neither.
No, he's a bloody auld woman with that baby.
Twice last week he had the emergency doctor out to Baby David.
Ooh, Denise was bloody fuming.
He woke her up both times, didn't he? No, he's completely under her bloody thumb, lad.
Always has been, Jim.
She says, "Shit," he jumps on the shovel.
Yeah.
No fun going for a pint with the bugger now.
After three pints, he's got the bloody photograph of the nipper out, he's crying his bloody eyes out! Oh! And that bloody farmyard he's making for Baby David.
Ooh! - It's doing my head in.
- I'm sick of that farmyard too, Jim.
Oh, he's bloody terrified of her, always looking at his watch, always on edge.
He's under the bloody thumb all right, he's not a bloody man.
(Door opens) Quick! # Why does it always rain on me? # Hiya! Oh, I tell you what, this is hard work, Barb.
Yeah.
'Ey, you all right, Twiggy? All right, Barb? Werert you getting one of them steamer thingies so you could get it done quick? For 15 pound a day? You put the kettle on, Barb, that'll make enough steam.
Hey, Barb, make my bacon dead crispy, will you? Yeah.
Jim, don't forget you promised me you'd have that done for Baby David's christening.
Bloody hell, Barb, it doesn't even want decorating.
It's spotless.
Jim, you could have moved the table and put covers over me good chairs.
(Sighs) Bloody hell, Barb.
Ah, 'ey, Twiggy, how's your little Lee? What happened with Dixons? I went round there and wised 'em up.
And luckily, they're not charging him now.
Aww.
Wort stop him, though.
Thieving little get.
- He gets that off you, Twig.
- Thanks, Jim, yeah.
(Laughs) That's what this is all about, you know.
I've got to decorate the whole bloody room just for this bloody christening.
Why couldn't we have had it at their gaff? Oh, cos that would mean our Denise would have to get off her arse and do something, wouldn't she? - Hey, I saw Cheryl the other night.
- Where? Outside the chippy, waiting for it to open! (Both laugh) Ooh.
It is common, that wallpaper.
I'll be glad to get that woodchip up.
- Did all right, that, Barb.
Pound a roll.
- Yeah.
(# Lou Bega: Mambo No.
5) # One, two, three, four, five # Everybody in the car, so come on, let's ride # To the liquor store around the corner # The boys say they want some gin and juice, but I really don't wanna # Beer bust like I had last week # I must stay deep cos talk is cheap # I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita # And as I continue, you know they're getting sweeter # So what can I do? I really beg you, my Lord # To me, flirting is just like a sport # Anything fly, it's all good, let me dump it # And send in the trumpet # A little bit of Monica in my life # A little bit of Erica by my side # A little bit of Rita's all I need # A little bit of Tina's what I see # A little bit of Sandra in the sun # A little bit of Mary all night long # A little bit of Jessica, here I am # A little bit of you makes me your man # Aah! # Mambo number five! # Aah! # Jump up and down and move it all around # Shake your head to the sound, put your hands on the ground # Take one step left and one step right # And one to the front and one to the side # Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice # And if it looks like this then you're doing it right # A little bit of Monica in my life # A little bit of Erica by my side # A little bit of Rita's all I need # A little bit of Tina's what I see # A little bit of Sandra in the sun # A little bit of Mary all night long # A little bit of Jessica, here I am # A little bit of you makes me your man # Aah! # Aah! # Trumpet! The trumpet! - # Mambo number five! - # Mambo number five! # Hello, this has been Jeff on the Best Music Mix on 104.
9 FM, with Lou Bega, the choice of Leanne from Peterwood, the classic Mambo No.
5.
If you fancy a night out tonight I tell you what, he's got it sussed there with all the women, hasn't he, auld Mambo? - Too right, Jim.
- (Laughs) Would you like a little bit of Cheryl, Twiggy? You couldn't get a little bit of Cheryl, Jim.
(Both laughing) - Have you seen the size of her belly? - Oh, it's not right, is it? - That much weight on a young girl.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, 'ey.
Hey, that was funny last week, with Dave and the van, getting the police round.
What? What was that? Dave? Our Dave? - Didrt he say nothing about it? - No.
- Oh, I can't tell you.
- No, come on, Twiggy, tell us.
Oh, I can't, Jim.
He'll go mad if I tell you.
Go on, Twig, I won't say nothing, honest.
Well, all right, I'll tell you, but listen.
Don't let him know you heard it from me.
I won't say a word, Twig.
Come on.
Right, well.
Last week, Dave nipped down to the chemist's round the corner in the van and then walked back home, forgot he bloody drove there.
So the next morning, he gets up, looks out, sees the vars missing, phones the police, saying it's been robbed.
Ten minutes later, the police find the van outside the chemist's where he left it.
The pillock! They nearly did him for wasting police time.
(Jim) Oh, the bloody soft sod.
(Both laughing) - What are you two laughing at? - Dave, the soft sod.
Had the police looking for his van, he'd left it outside the chemist's! The top hat! It's easily done, that, Jim.
I bet the police have a few of them every day.
- (Sighs) - Hey, Twiggy.
Irt Baby David coming on? Have you seen him recently? - Yeah, Barb.
He's smashing.
- Yeah.
It's why we're doing up this room, you know.
For the christening.
Hey, Twiggy, you are still coming, aren't you? Oh, yeah, Barb.
Wouldrt miss that.
Aah.
Hey, you still going out with that girl? What's she called? - Michelle? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, why don't you bring her along? - (Mouths) - You sure about that, Barb? Oh, yeah.
More, the merrier.
- You sure? - No problem, Twig.
Oh.
- (Doorbell) - Ooh.
I'll get that.
- Hiya, Dave.
You all right? - Hi.
- Yeah.
- Oh, come in.
Oh, hello, Baby David.
And, hey, Jim, you watch it.
Don't you say a word about Dave and the van.
I mean it.
Twiggy, don't be worrying.
- It's Dave.
- (Jim) All right, Dave? Where's the van? What? - I said, "How's your mam?" - Oh, she's fine, thanks.
Yeah.
Shall I take him? Hello! It's your nana! Hello, darling.
Your nana! Have you got a smile? Aww.
Come and see your grandad.
And here's Uncle Twiggy.
- Hello! - Hello, Baby Dave.
- Hello! - Aww.
(Chuckling) Come on.
How's Fag Ash Lil? Where is she? She's next door, she's having a look at Cheryl's new, er - scales.
- (Jim) Oh.
Did you, er, drive here? - Yeah, I've come in the van.
- Oh.
Where've you put it? The van, I mean, you know.
Just in case I've got to tell the coppers.
Bet you've told him, haven't you? I told you not to.
(Both laughing) I You're all right, Dave.
Your secret's safe with me, son.
I won't tell a bloody soul.
Are we going for a little drink afters in the Feathers, Twig? Hey, you'd better not, Jim.
You just give us a bloody hand with this scraping and we'll say nowt.
- Ta, Barb.
- Oh, can I have a bacon butty, please? Oh, course you can, Dave.
Oh, Dave.
I'm really sorry the police had a go at you.
Can I have some red sauce, please? Yeah, course you can.
You should have got a steamer for this, Jim.
Bloody hell, Dave, don't you start.
For 15 pound a bloody day? Why do I need a steamer when I've got two big soft melts like you? Come on.
(Radio) # This is my moment # This is my perfect moment with you # There you go.
Got to cook some bacon for your daddy.
I have.
Ah! I have.
Who's this? - Hiya, Mam.
- Hello, love.
- Ah, are you all right? - Yeah.
Hiya, Cheryl.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hey, Baby Davey.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Aww.
You're so gorgeous, aren't you? You're so gorgeous.
He's so gorgeous.
He was so good for me all day yesterday.
- Aah, was he? - Yeah.
Aww.
Hey, Mam, Cheryl's just been showing me her new scales.
Oh, have you got some new scales, Cheryl? - Yeah.
- Aww.
What are they like? - Much more accurate.
- You mean you're lighter on them? - Yeah.
- Aww.
Cheryl? Why don't you just take little Baby David upstairs for a little while while me and Mam have a ciggy? All right.
Do you want to come upstairs with me? - With Auntie Cheryl? - Bye-bye.
- Say bye-bye.
- (Both) Bye-bye.
- Say bye-bye.
- (AIl) Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
- Cheryl? - Yeah, OK.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Aww.
- Here you are.
- Ta.
- You are a good mother, Denise.
- Ta.
Are you still doing your pelvic floor exercises? I've not had time.
You know, with the baby.
Oh, yeah.
'Ey, irt it good of Cheryl, using up her holidays to look after Baby David? Well, she is his godmother, you know.
- He is her responsibility.
- Yeah.
You know, you will have to spend a full day on your own with him soon.
I know.
But, post-baby fatigue.
What can you do? Oh, come on, Dave, use a bit of bloody elbow grease.
That's more like it.
Are we doing the ceiling and all, Jim? Ceiling, my arse.
Hey, keep your bloody gob shut.
He's gone down.
- Who? - Baby David.
- Aww.
- (Sighs) - Is that bacon, Barbara? - Yeah, I'm making Dave a bacon butty.
- Do you want one? - Yeah, thanks.
- Do you want one, Denise? - Yeah.
Oh, er, no.
No.
Ooh, yeah.
No.
If you make it and she doesn't want it, I'll have it.
(Barbara) Aww.
Thanks, Cheryl.
- Do you know they're stripping the wall? - Oh, I know.
It's for Baby David's christening.
It's only three weeks away, Cheryl.
- Oh! - I'm tired even thinking about it.
And I've got another six pound to lose before I get into a size ten.
Yeah.
Me too.
(Door opens) - Got owt to eat, Mam? - Oh.
"Hiya, Cheryl.
Hiya, Denise.
"Hiya, Mam.
" I don't know, Antony.
- Hiya, Cheryl.
- Hiya, Antony.
- Hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Cheryl.
- Hiya, Denise.
- Hiya, Antony.
- Hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Denise.
- Oh, hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Barbara.
- Got owt to eat, Mam? - No.
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Ant.
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Cheryl.
- Barbara.
- Hiya, Dave.
- No, can I have me bacon butty, please? - Oh! Yeah.
- There you are.
- Thanks, Barbara.
Hey.
You know Darren in there? - You know who he's seeing, don't you? - Who? Big Julie from Argos.
The one who looks like Tina Turner.
Ugh! - Big Julie from Argos? - Yeah.
- How old is she? - Late 30s or something.
About 36, 37.
38, 39.
Something like that.
Bloody hell, she's twice his age.
Darren hasn't even started shaving.
Nothing wrong with that, Jim.
She's a divorced woman.
I wouldn't mind having a pop at it meself.
Oh, bugger off, will you, Twiggy? Big Julie from Argos? Hey, that big bride with our little Darren.
She could have him for bloody breakfast, her.
His spuds have only just dropped and Tina Turner's already got hold of 'em! You're havir that, Dave.
Oh, that was lovely.
Thanks, Barbara.
I don't know how you can eat mayonnaise and ketchup together.
(Radio) # We can take forever, just one minute at a time # Whoa # More than a woman # More than a woman # More than a woman to me # Whoa # More than a woman # More than a woman # (Twiggy) You'll never guess who I saw in the Feathers.
- Who, Twig? - Black Roy and his white wife.
Black Roy and his white wife? I haven't seen him for ages.
- Or her.
How are they? - He's put a right load of weight on.
Has he? The lazy sod.
That's because he doesn't look after himself.
She waits on him hand and bloody foot.
- Who's that, Jim? - Black Roy's white wife.
Anyway, they were telling me they've sorted themselves out with Sky Digital.
Oh, they would have, that bloody pair.
He hasn't been around cos he's been getting his money's won'th.
The tight get.
(Dave) Have they got Sky Digital, then, Twiggy? Yeah.
Have they got all the channels and everything? Yeah, they've got the lot.
- Have they got the movie channels? - Yeah, they've got the lot.
Have they got Sky Sports 1, 2 and 3 channels? - (Jim sighs) - Yeah, they've got the lot.
- Have they got the Discovery Channel? - Yes! They've got the bloody lot! The jammy get! Can't you bloody understand what he's saying? Ohhh, blimey.
Are you still getting Sky Digital, Jim? What's the bloody point? I don't get to watch the bloody box, do I, with all the work I've got to do in this house? Ohhh, blimey.
Oh, Cheryl, I forgot to ask you.
How's your dad's ingrowing toenail? Oh, he still can't get his shoe on, Barbara.
- Aww.
- He's resting his foot on a pouf.
(Antony and Darren giggling) How old are you two? (Dave) Hey, Twiggy, you still keeping an eye out for a car for me? Yeah, Dave.
Only I'm not having a lot of luck in your price range.
200 quid isn't much for a car these days, you know.
Mind you, I might have found something.
- Oh, have you, Twig? - Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
It's a smooth, very quiet, nice little runner.
- Ooh, is it? - Yeah.
- There is one little drawback.
- What's that? It's a milk float.
(Jim cackles) Hey, that'd just suit you, Dave.
You'd look bloody great in it.
You could drop me a yogurt off every morning.
Actually, though, it's not a bad idea, that, cos I could get me moped on the back of it.
Why would you wanna do that, Dave? Well, if I wanted to take me moped anywhere, I could get it on the back.
You'd drive the bloody thing there, wouldn't you? Come on, Dave, get a grip, son.
Oh, yeah? You're not doing your community service today, Darren? - I did it this morning.
- Oh.
- How much have you got left to do? - Another year.
Aww.
Well, it'll soon go.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Might make you think twice about doing it again.
Yeah.
How many times have you done it now? Twice.
How many times have you been caught? - Er twice.
- Oh.
- Has it taught you a lesson? - Yeah.
Don't get caught! Nice one.
- Aah! Bloody hell, Jim! - Ah, Jim.
That's bloody terrible, that is.
That's not me, Twiggy.
That's the old wallpaper paste that you're smelling.
It's not, it's your arse, mate.
You want raking out, you, Jim.
I'll tell you what, Dave.
Your ex was in the Feathers and all last night.
- Oh, who? - Beverley Macca.
- Oh.
- She was looking a treat.
High heels, fishnets, short white leather skirt.
Low-cut top, baps out, the lot.
She looked the biz.
Bloody hell.
What's her face like, Twig? I've never managed to look that high up.
Heh! I tell you what, Dave, you slipped up there.
Dumping her for our Denise? I wouldn't mind looking for Luxembourg there, eh? What do you mean? Well, tuning in with the old chapel hat pegs! (Whistles) You know what I'm talking about, Twiglet.
I do, Jim.
Hey.
I know you're not supposed to say this in this day and age, what with the millennium and all that, but you cannot beat a great pair of knockers.
- No.
- Oh, that's true, lad.
Personality doesn't keep you warm at night.
- No.
- You can't play with a personality.
No.
But you can play with a bloody big pair of baps, though! Phwooar.
- Too true, Twig.
- Yep.
Hey, Darren, can you get us any more of them cheap ciggies? - Oh, not any more, Denise, no.
- Aww, why not? Well, me mam got fired from the off-licence.
(Barbara) Aww.
Hey, Darren.
What happened with your Uncle Jack's pub? Oh, he got the money back off the insurance.
And was it him that burnt it down? - Yeah! - Hmm.
(Chuckles) Are you a tit or a leg man, Dave? Like a bit of both, really.
I thought you was more of a tit head! Hey.
I'll tell you who I don't mind being on the box.
What do they call her? You know, the other one.
What's her name? - The auld one.
Helen Mirren.
- Oh, aye.
I know she's knocking on a bit, but she still doesn't mind flipping them out.
- Ooh-hoo! - Who's that? - Helen Mirren! - Her from Prime Suspect.
Oh, her, ooh, she don't mind flipping them.
I'll tell you what.
Everything she's in, they're out.
There's still plenty of life in them knockers.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
- Too true.
(Antony as Ali G) What is the acoustic like in here? Shall we test it? Hear me now! (Both) # Ride the punani, ride the punani # Mm, it's a good acoustic.
- Wicked! Booyakasha.
- Booyakasha.
- West side.
- West side.
- Oh, it's class.
So top.
- Proper top.
Why don't you and Darren go in there with Dad and the lads? No way, he'll have us doing the stripping.
- You're a right lazy get, you.
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
You are.
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
You're a lazy get.
- Antony.
I'm a full-time mother.
Mam, will you tell him? - Antony! - Come on, Darren, let's go in there.
(Jim) He said, "I'll take half a Viagra to stop pissing on me shoes!" (Roars of laughter) - Nice work.
- All right, Ant? - All right.
- All right, Darren? - All right, Twig.
- Hello, Lurchio.
- Hello, Casanova! - (Twiggy) Oh-ho-ho! (Jim) # Simply the best # Better than all the rest # Better than anyone # Anyone I ever met # - (AII laughing) - (Jim) Hey! Hey, killer.
(Dave) I bet you're her (AIl) # Private dancer # Dancing for money # Do what you want me to do # Ha-ha-ha # I'm your private dancer # Dancing for money # Any old music will do # Have you seen her Nutbush city limits? (Cheering and laughter) # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #
Seen him carrying the baby around all the bloody time? I never, ever picked me kids up.
Unless they fell over.
Me neither.
No, he's a bloody auld woman with that baby.
Twice last week he had the emergency doctor out to Baby David.
Ooh, Denise was bloody fuming.
He woke her up both times, didn't he? No, he's completely under her bloody thumb, lad.
Always has been, Jim.
She says, "Shit," he jumps on the shovel.
Yeah.
No fun going for a pint with the bugger now.
After three pints, he's got the bloody photograph of the nipper out, he's crying his bloody eyes out! Oh! And that bloody farmyard he's making for Baby David.
Ooh! - It's doing my head in.
- I'm sick of that farmyard too, Jim.
Oh, he's bloody terrified of her, always looking at his watch, always on edge.
He's under the bloody thumb all right, he's not a bloody man.
(Door opens) Quick! # Why does it always rain on me? # Hiya! Oh, I tell you what, this is hard work, Barb.
Yeah.
'Ey, you all right, Twiggy? All right, Barb? Werert you getting one of them steamer thingies so you could get it done quick? For 15 pound a day? You put the kettle on, Barb, that'll make enough steam.
Hey, Barb, make my bacon dead crispy, will you? Yeah.
Jim, don't forget you promised me you'd have that done for Baby David's christening.
Bloody hell, Barb, it doesn't even want decorating.
It's spotless.
Jim, you could have moved the table and put covers over me good chairs.
(Sighs) Bloody hell, Barb.
Ah, 'ey, Twiggy, how's your little Lee? What happened with Dixons? I went round there and wised 'em up.
And luckily, they're not charging him now.
Aww.
Wort stop him, though.
Thieving little get.
- He gets that off you, Twig.
- Thanks, Jim, yeah.
(Laughs) That's what this is all about, you know.
I've got to decorate the whole bloody room just for this bloody christening.
Why couldn't we have had it at their gaff? Oh, cos that would mean our Denise would have to get off her arse and do something, wouldn't she? - Hey, I saw Cheryl the other night.
- Where? Outside the chippy, waiting for it to open! (Both laugh) Ooh.
It is common, that wallpaper.
I'll be glad to get that woodchip up.
- Did all right, that, Barb.
Pound a roll.
- Yeah.
(# Lou Bega: Mambo No.
5) # One, two, three, four, five # Everybody in the car, so come on, let's ride # To the liquor store around the corner # The boys say they want some gin and juice, but I really don't wanna # Beer bust like I had last week # I must stay deep cos talk is cheap # I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita # And as I continue, you know they're getting sweeter # So what can I do? I really beg you, my Lord # To me, flirting is just like a sport # Anything fly, it's all good, let me dump it # And send in the trumpet # A little bit of Monica in my life # A little bit of Erica by my side # A little bit of Rita's all I need # A little bit of Tina's what I see # A little bit of Sandra in the sun # A little bit of Mary all night long # A little bit of Jessica, here I am # A little bit of you makes me your man # Aah! # Mambo number five! # Aah! # Jump up and down and move it all around # Shake your head to the sound, put your hands on the ground # Take one step left and one step right # And one to the front and one to the side # Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice # And if it looks like this then you're doing it right # A little bit of Monica in my life # A little bit of Erica by my side # A little bit of Rita's all I need # A little bit of Tina's what I see # A little bit of Sandra in the sun # A little bit of Mary all night long # A little bit of Jessica, here I am # A little bit of you makes me your man # Aah! # Aah! # Trumpet! The trumpet! - # Mambo number five! - # Mambo number five! # Hello, this has been Jeff on the Best Music Mix on 104.
9 FM, with Lou Bega, the choice of Leanne from Peterwood, the classic Mambo No.
5.
If you fancy a night out tonight I tell you what, he's got it sussed there with all the women, hasn't he, auld Mambo? - Too right, Jim.
- (Laughs) Would you like a little bit of Cheryl, Twiggy? You couldn't get a little bit of Cheryl, Jim.
(Both laughing) - Have you seen the size of her belly? - Oh, it's not right, is it? - That much weight on a young girl.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, 'ey.
Hey, that was funny last week, with Dave and the van, getting the police round.
What? What was that? Dave? Our Dave? - Didrt he say nothing about it? - No.
- Oh, I can't tell you.
- No, come on, Twiggy, tell us.
Oh, I can't, Jim.
He'll go mad if I tell you.
Go on, Twig, I won't say nothing, honest.
Well, all right, I'll tell you, but listen.
Don't let him know you heard it from me.
I won't say a word, Twig.
Come on.
Right, well.
Last week, Dave nipped down to the chemist's round the corner in the van and then walked back home, forgot he bloody drove there.
So the next morning, he gets up, looks out, sees the vars missing, phones the police, saying it's been robbed.
Ten minutes later, the police find the van outside the chemist's where he left it.
The pillock! They nearly did him for wasting police time.
(Jim) Oh, the bloody soft sod.
(Both laughing) - What are you two laughing at? - Dave, the soft sod.
Had the police looking for his van, he'd left it outside the chemist's! The top hat! It's easily done, that, Jim.
I bet the police have a few of them every day.
- (Sighs) - Hey, Twiggy.
Irt Baby David coming on? Have you seen him recently? - Yeah, Barb.
He's smashing.
- Yeah.
It's why we're doing up this room, you know.
For the christening.
Hey, Twiggy, you are still coming, aren't you? Oh, yeah, Barb.
Wouldrt miss that.
Aah.
Hey, you still going out with that girl? What's she called? - Michelle? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, why don't you bring her along? - (Mouths) - You sure about that, Barb? Oh, yeah.
More, the merrier.
- You sure? - No problem, Twig.
Oh.
- (Doorbell) - Ooh.
I'll get that.
- Hiya, Dave.
You all right? - Hi.
- Yeah.
- Oh, come in.
Oh, hello, Baby David.
And, hey, Jim, you watch it.
Don't you say a word about Dave and the van.
I mean it.
Twiggy, don't be worrying.
- It's Dave.
- (Jim) All right, Dave? Where's the van? What? - I said, "How's your mam?" - Oh, she's fine, thanks.
Yeah.
Shall I take him? Hello! It's your nana! Hello, darling.
Your nana! Have you got a smile? Aww.
Come and see your grandad.
And here's Uncle Twiggy.
- Hello! - Hello, Baby Dave.
- Hello! - Aww.
(Chuckling) Come on.
How's Fag Ash Lil? Where is she? She's next door, she's having a look at Cheryl's new, er - scales.
- (Jim) Oh.
Did you, er, drive here? - Yeah, I've come in the van.
- Oh.
Where've you put it? The van, I mean, you know.
Just in case I've got to tell the coppers.
Bet you've told him, haven't you? I told you not to.
(Both laughing) I You're all right, Dave.
Your secret's safe with me, son.
I won't tell a bloody soul.
Are we going for a little drink afters in the Feathers, Twig? Hey, you'd better not, Jim.
You just give us a bloody hand with this scraping and we'll say nowt.
- Ta, Barb.
- Oh, can I have a bacon butty, please? Oh, course you can, Dave.
Oh, Dave.
I'm really sorry the police had a go at you.
Can I have some red sauce, please? Yeah, course you can.
You should have got a steamer for this, Jim.
Bloody hell, Dave, don't you start.
For 15 pound a bloody day? Why do I need a steamer when I've got two big soft melts like you? Come on.
(Radio) # This is my moment # This is my perfect moment with you # There you go.
Got to cook some bacon for your daddy.
I have.
Ah! I have.
Who's this? - Hiya, Mam.
- Hello, love.
- Ah, are you all right? - Yeah.
Hiya, Cheryl.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hey, Baby Davey.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Aww.
You're so gorgeous, aren't you? You're so gorgeous.
He's so gorgeous.
He was so good for me all day yesterday.
- Aah, was he? - Yeah.
Aww.
Hey, Mam, Cheryl's just been showing me her new scales.
Oh, have you got some new scales, Cheryl? - Yeah.
- Aww.
What are they like? - Much more accurate.
- You mean you're lighter on them? - Yeah.
- Aww.
Cheryl? Why don't you just take little Baby David upstairs for a little while while me and Mam have a ciggy? All right.
Do you want to come upstairs with me? - With Auntie Cheryl? - Bye-bye.
- Say bye-bye.
- (Both) Bye-bye.
- Say bye-bye.
- (AIl) Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
- Cheryl? - Yeah, OK.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Aww.
- Here you are.
- Ta.
- You are a good mother, Denise.
- Ta.
Are you still doing your pelvic floor exercises? I've not had time.
You know, with the baby.
Oh, yeah.
'Ey, irt it good of Cheryl, using up her holidays to look after Baby David? Well, she is his godmother, you know.
- He is her responsibility.
- Yeah.
You know, you will have to spend a full day on your own with him soon.
I know.
But, post-baby fatigue.
What can you do? Oh, come on, Dave, use a bit of bloody elbow grease.
That's more like it.
Are we doing the ceiling and all, Jim? Ceiling, my arse.
Hey, keep your bloody gob shut.
He's gone down.
- Who? - Baby David.
- Aww.
- (Sighs) - Is that bacon, Barbara? - Yeah, I'm making Dave a bacon butty.
- Do you want one? - Yeah, thanks.
- Do you want one, Denise? - Yeah.
Oh, er, no.
No.
Ooh, yeah.
No.
If you make it and she doesn't want it, I'll have it.
(Barbara) Aww.
Thanks, Cheryl.
- Do you know they're stripping the wall? - Oh, I know.
It's for Baby David's christening.
It's only three weeks away, Cheryl.
- Oh! - I'm tired even thinking about it.
And I've got another six pound to lose before I get into a size ten.
Yeah.
Me too.
(Door opens) - Got owt to eat, Mam? - Oh.
"Hiya, Cheryl.
Hiya, Denise.
"Hiya, Mam.
" I don't know, Antony.
- Hiya, Cheryl.
- Hiya, Antony.
- Hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Cheryl.
- Hiya, Denise.
- Hiya, Antony.
- Hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Denise.
- Oh, hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Barbara.
- Got owt to eat, Mam? - No.
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Ant.
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Darren.
- Hiya, Dave.
- Hiya, Cheryl.
- Barbara.
- Hiya, Dave.
- No, can I have me bacon butty, please? - Oh! Yeah.
- There you are.
- Thanks, Barbara.
Hey.
You know Darren in there? - You know who he's seeing, don't you? - Who? Big Julie from Argos.
The one who looks like Tina Turner.
Ugh! - Big Julie from Argos? - Yeah.
- How old is she? - Late 30s or something.
About 36, 37.
38, 39.
Something like that.
Bloody hell, she's twice his age.
Darren hasn't even started shaving.
Nothing wrong with that, Jim.
She's a divorced woman.
I wouldn't mind having a pop at it meself.
Oh, bugger off, will you, Twiggy? Big Julie from Argos? Hey, that big bride with our little Darren.
She could have him for bloody breakfast, her.
His spuds have only just dropped and Tina Turner's already got hold of 'em! You're havir that, Dave.
Oh, that was lovely.
Thanks, Barbara.
I don't know how you can eat mayonnaise and ketchup together.
(Radio) # We can take forever, just one minute at a time # Whoa # More than a woman # More than a woman # More than a woman to me # Whoa # More than a woman # More than a woman # (Twiggy) You'll never guess who I saw in the Feathers.
- Who, Twig? - Black Roy and his white wife.
Black Roy and his white wife? I haven't seen him for ages.
- Or her.
How are they? - He's put a right load of weight on.
Has he? The lazy sod.
That's because he doesn't look after himself.
She waits on him hand and bloody foot.
- Who's that, Jim? - Black Roy's white wife.
Anyway, they were telling me they've sorted themselves out with Sky Digital.
Oh, they would have, that bloody pair.
He hasn't been around cos he's been getting his money's won'th.
The tight get.
(Dave) Have they got Sky Digital, then, Twiggy? Yeah.
Have they got all the channels and everything? Yeah, they've got the lot.
- Have they got the movie channels? - Yeah, they've got the lot.
Have they got Sky Sports 1, 2 and 3 channels? - (Jim sighs) - Yeah, they've got the lot.
- Have they got the Discovery Channel? - Yes! They've got the bloody lot! The jammy get! Can't you bloody understand what he's saying? Ohhh, blimey.
Are you still getting Sky Digital, Jim? What's the bloody point? I don't get to watch the bloody box, do I, with all the work I've got to do in this house? Ohhh, blimey.
Oh, Cheryl, I forgot to ask you.
How's your dad's ingrowing toenail? Oh, he still can't get his shoe on, Barbara.
- Aww.
- He's resting his foot on a pouf.
(Antony and Darren giggling) How old are you two? (Dave) Hey, Twiggy, you still keeping an eye out for a car for me? Yeah, Dave.
Only I'm not having a lot of luck in your price range.
200 quid isn't much for a car these days, you know.
Mind you, I might have found something.
- Oh, have you, Twig? - Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
It's a smooth, very quiet, nice little runner.
- Ooh, is it? - Yeah.
- There is one little drawback.
- What's that? It's a milk float.
(Jim cackles) Hey, that'd just suit you, Dave.
You'd look bloody great in it.
You could drop me a yogurt off every morning.
Actually, though, it's not a bad idea, that, cos I could get me moped on the back of it.
Why would you wanna do that, Dave? Well, if I wanted to take me moped anywhere, I could get it on the back.
You'd drive the bloody thing there, wouldn't you? Come on, Dave, get a grip, son.
Oh, yeah? You're not doing your community service today, Darren? - I did it this morning.
- Oh.
- How much have you got left to do? - Another year.
Aww.
Well, it'll soon go.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Might make you think twice about doing it again.
Yeah.
How many times have you done it now? Twice.
How many times have you been caught? - Er twice.
- Oh.
- Has it taught you a lesson? - Yeah.
Don't get caught! Nice one.
- Aah! Bloody hell, Jim! - Ah, Jim.
That's bloody terrible, that is.
That's not me, Twiggy.
That's the old wallpaper paste that you're smelling.
It's not, it's your arse, mate.
You want raking out, you, Jim.
I'll tell you what, Dave.
Your ex was in the Feathers and all last night.
- Oh, who? - Beverley Macca.
- Oh.
- She was looking a treat.
High heels, fishnets, short white leather skirt.
Low-cut top, baps out, the lot.
She looked the biz.
Bloody hell.
What's her face like, Twig? I've never managed to look that high up.
Heh! I tell you what, Dave, you slipped up there.
Dumping her for our Denise? I wouldn't mind looking for Luxembourg there, eh? What do you mean? Well, tuning in with the old chapel hat pegs! (Whistles) You know what I'm talking about, Twiglet.
I do, Jim.
Hey.
I know you're not supposed to say this in this day and age, what with the millennium and all that, but you cannot beat a great pair of knockers.
- No.
- Oh, that's true, lad.
Personality doesn't keep you warm at night.
- No.
- You can't play with a personality.
No.
But you can play with a bloody big pair of baps, though! Phwooar.
- Too true, Twig.
- Yep.
Hey, Darren, can you get us any more of them cheap ciggies? - Oh, not any more, Denise, no.
- Aww, why not? Well, me mam got fired from the off-licence.
(Barbara) Aww.
Hey, Darren.
What happened with your Uncle Jack's pub? Oh, he got the money back off the insurance.
And was it him that burnt it down? - Yeah! - Hmm.
(Chuckles) Are you a tit or a leg man, Dave? Like a bit of both, really.
I thought you was more of a tit head! Hey.
I'll tell you who I don't mind being on the box.
What do they call her? You know, the other one.
What's her name? - The auld one.
Helen Mirren.
- Oh, aye.
I know she's knocking on a bit, but she still doesn't mind flipping them out.
- Ooh-hoo! - Who's that? - Helen Mirren! - Her from Prime Suspect.
Oh, her, ooh, she don't mind flipping them.
I'll tell you what.
Everything she's in, they're out.
There's still plenty of life in them knockers.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
- Too true.
(Antony as Ali G) What is the acoustic like in here? Shall we test it? Hear me now! (Both) # Ride the punani, ride the punani # Mm, it's a good acoustic.
- Wicked! Booyakasha.
- Booyakasha.
- West side.
- West side.
- Oh, it's class.
So top.
- Proper top.
Why don't you and Darren go in there with Dad and the lads? No way, he'll have us doing the stripping.
- You're a right lazy get, you.
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
You are.
- No, you are.
- No, you are.
You're a lazy get.
- Antony.
I'm a full-time mother.
Mam, will you tell him? - Antony! - Come on, Darren, let's go in there.
(Jim) He said, "I'll take half a Viagra to stop pissing on me shoes!" (Roars of laughter) - Nice work.
- All right, Ant? - All right.
- All right, Darren? - All right, Twig.
- Hello, Lurchio.
- Hello, Casanova! - (Twiggy) Oh-ho-ho! (Jim) # Simply the best # Better than all the rest # Better than anyone # Anyone I ever met # - (AII laughing) - (Jim) Hey! Hey, killer.
(Dave) I bet you're her (AIl) # Private dancer # Dancing for money # Do what you want me to do # Ha-ha-ha # I'm your private dancer # Dancing for money # Any old music will do # Have you seen her Nutbush city limits? (Cheering and laughter) # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #