The Thick of It s03e03 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 3
So, we're still going to need jokes on the Peter Mannion section.
Look, Nicola, are you absolutely sure that you want to do jokes? I'm not saying that you're not funny, because obviously you are funny sometimes but Nicola, you strike me very much as somebody that doesn't do jokes.
You strike me as somebody who doesn't do any fucking thing! Did you not say you were busy? Yeah, well, I am.
Yeah.
No, I am.
I'm up against it.
I'm spitting feathers.
"Spitting feathers" means you're thirsty.
No, uh, I'm thirsty as well.
Anybody fancy a pint? - (NICOLA SIGHS) - Joke.
(STAMMERS) Uh, no, I've got to wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
- Where are they? - Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet.
(LAUGHS) It's like being back in college, isn't it? You know, Freshers' Week.
It's just as busy, isn't it? - NICOLA: Stop talking.
- Right, okay.
Oh, dear.
That's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet.
(IMITATING GLENN) "Hello, Julie.
"Would you like to see the Minister's room? "It's very cosy, isn't it? Just right for a little kissy-kissy? "Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? "Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?" Just doing an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
- Liar.
- I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic? No.
But you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
No comment.
It is completely unbelievable that Glenn Cullen would be punched by a member of his own team in full view of passersby.
That's more likely to happen in private, where nobody can see it happening.
Really? Well, if you know all the bloody answers, why are you asking me? But what has he got, right? He's got absolutely nothing.
It's hearsay, right? So I need a flat denial, flat denial, from everyone.
Yes? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
- Yes, good.
And I need you, big man.
(STAMMERS) Why? Because I'm going to invite some hacks up here, going to give them some drinks and I'm going to show them what good mates we are, eh? - Do we have to? - Yes, we do have to do it.
And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend at Prague.
He's going to hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.
Tom, it's like the Cold War all over again.
You don't know who's a spy or who they're fucking working for.
No, I'm not being paranoid.
Who told you that? Yeah.
I'll see you later - at the safe house.
Oh, and here's Malcolm Tucker.
You're live on the Telegraph Party Conference vodcast.
Can you spare us a few minutes? I think that's a no.
- Robyn? - ROBYN: Terri? Where are you and what are you doing? I'm drinking an Americano somewhere between Kenley and Caterham.
I'm on the way to my sister's.
I'm living the dream, Robyn.
What have you done this morning? What haven't I done? You know, that's the better question.
All right, then.
I'm guessing you haven't circulated the briefing note - on the community food clubs.
- You know, I resent that.
Well, what is a community food club, then? I, uh Well, it's a way of bringing, uh, communities together with food.
- You haven't even read it.
- I don't have to have read it to have circulated it, do I? Don't you think it's a bit strange that every time there's nothing going on in the department, you visit your sister? Well, little Miss Bletchley Park, what is "visiting my sister" code for, then? I don't know.
It could be anything.
It could be a tryst.
- My sister? - Well, it could be a girl-on-girl tryst.
See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere.
And it is a fear.
It's everywhere.
We call it the i-Zilla.
No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.
What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers.
Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it? Malcolm, that is not how the internet works.
It's a world-wide, you know, web.
That's where that comes from.
Look, I need you to find the incy wincy fucking spider.
Take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking squash the fucker! Right, can you do that? Malcolm, I've got a lot on Not a problem.
That's a Duggan promise.
Okay, right.
Get out of my fucking sight.
I don't want to see your face.
Get out of here, before I remember your face and how I want to replace it with a fucking bloodstained breeze block.
Robyn, I need a joke.
Something about Peter Mannion.
Can you think of anything? Yeah, but Nicola doesn't do jokes, especially not about Peter.
I mean, that's just like a stupid, mangy tabby cat trying to take the piss out of a really clever leopard that's got really lovely, sleek, thick hair.
I mean, it's just wrong.
I know that comedy is not your forte Okay.
How do you make a paper baby? - I don't know.
- You sleep with an old bag.
Is that as good as it gets? Uh, I'm much funnier after I've had a few Baileys.
I mean, I could always go down to the bar and then All right, Robyn.
You wouldn't know she's never done this before, would you? - I think she's doing very well actually.
- Hmm.
- (NICOLA SPEAKING ON TV) - Mmm.
She's doing terrific.
And actually, no, actually she's great fun to work for.
I mean, contrary to her image, she's actually a very funny person indeed, in person.
Yeah, everyone says that.
It's just no one wants to meet her in person.
- Ah - Come on.
Look, she's the best of a bad bunch, right? But she's not a fucking zombie, is she? - (MOBILE RINGING) - Oh.
Excuse me.
- Hello? - What? This is fun, isn't it? You're such a cunt.
There you are.
There you go with the banter again.
You're a funny fucker.
She has got a sort of, uh, sour-faced kind of Sort of looks like she's gonna She's gonna go in for the world fart-sniffing record, doesn't she? Looks like she's gonna win, too.
Where are you, Terri? TERRl: Yes, I'm on my way home now.
I just want you to know something.
I'm not going to be in tomorrow.
Nicola's given me the day off.
You've got another day off? But that's so unfair! I was talking to Nathan and he tells me that you've been flopping about all day reading Dan Brown.
So you've had your day off, haven't you? What, and you believe him? I mean, he doesn't even wash.
I've got to get going.
But one last titbit for you, Glenn kissed someone.
Glenn? Kissed who? Tell you later.
Bye.
Terri? Terri? OLLY: Honestly, you've got to see this.
Come here.
- What is it? - Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
- No! - Yeah.
NICOLA: Who is she? OLLY: (LAUGHS) I don't know.
OLLY: If she is a she.
I think I can see her madam's apple there.
NICOLA: Maybe they're just taking.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) Oh! OLLY: That's horrific.
I think he might actually have a tiny erection.
Oh, bless.
But you know what, he's had a rotten day.
- Yeah.
- I mean, he deserves a bit of TLC.
There's TLC and quick hand-job in the car park.
I'm not saying that that's what's happening.
This is like the worst porn film ever.
This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special advisor to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy - and they end up fucking.
- (NICOLA LAUGHING)
Look, Nicola, are you absolutely sure that you want to do jokes? I'm not saying that you're not funny, because obviously you are funny sometimes but Nicola, you strike me very much as somebody that doesn't do jokes.
You strike me as somebody who doesn't do any fucking thing! Did you not say you were busy? Yeah, well, I am.
Yeah.
No, I am.
I'm up against it.
I'm spitting feathers.
"Spitting feathers" means you're thirsty.
No, uh, I'm thirsty as well.
Anybody fancy a pint? - (NICOLA SIGHS) - Joke.
(STAMMERS) Uh, no, I've got to wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
- Where are they? - Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet.
(LAUGHS) It's like being back in college, isn't it? You know, Freshers' Week.
It's just as busy, isn't it? - NICOLA: Stop talking.
- Right, okay.
Oh, dear.
That's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet.
(IMITATING GLENN) "Hello, Julie.
"Would you like to see the Minister's room? "It's very cosy, isn't it? Just right for a little kissy-kissy? "Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? "Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?" Just doing an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
- Liar.
- I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic? No.
But you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
No comment.
It is completely unbelievable that Glenn Cullen would be punched by a member of his own team in full view of passersby.
That's more likely to happen in private, where nobody can see it happening.
Really? Well, if you know all the bloody answers, why are you asking me? But what has he got, right? He's got absolutely nothing.
It's hearsay, right? So I need a flat denial, flat denial, from everyone.
Yes? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
- Yes, good.
And I need you, big man.
(STAMMERS) Why? Because I'm going to invite some hacks up here, going to give them some drinks and I'm going to show them what good mates we are, eh? - Do we have to? - Yes, we do have to do it.
And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend at Prague.
He's going to hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.
Tom, it's like the Cold War all over again.
You don't know who's a spy or who they're fucking working for.
No, I'm not being paranoid.
Who told you that? Yeah.
I'll see you later - at the safe house.
Oh, and here's Malcolm Tucker.
You're live on the Telegraph Party Conference vodcast.
Can you spare us a few minutes? I think that's a no.
- Robyn? - ROBYN: Terri? Where are you and what are you doing? I'm drinking an Americano somewhere between Kenley and Caterham.
I'm on the way to my sister's.
I'm living the dream, Robyn.
What have you done this morning? What haven't I done? You know, that's the better question.
All right, then.
I'm guessing you haven't circulated the briefing note - on the community food clubs.
- You know, I resent that.
Well, what is a community food club, then? I, uh Well, it's a way of bringing, uh, communities together with food.
- You haven't even read it.
- I don't have to have read it to have circulated it, do I? Don't you think it's a bit strange that every time there's nothing going on in the department, you visit your sister? Well, little Miss Bletchley Park, what is "visiting my sister" code for, then? I don't know.
It could be anything.
It could be a tryst.
- My sister? - Well, it could be a girl-on-girl tryst.
See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere.
And it is a fear.
It's everywhere.
We call it the i-Zilla.
No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.
What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers.
Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it? Malcolm, that is not how the internet works.
It's a world-wide, you know, web.
That's where that comes from.
Look, I need you to find the incy wincy fucking spider.
Take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking squash the fucker! Right, can you do that? Malcolm, I've got a lot on Not a problem.
That's a Duggan promise.
Okay, right.
Get out of my fucking sight.
I don't want to see your face.
Get out of here, before I remember your face and how I want to replace it with a fucking bloodstained breeze block.
Robyn, I need a joke.
Something about Peter Mannion.
Can you think of anything? Yeah, but Nicola doesn't do jokes, especially not about Peter.
I mean, that's just like a stupid, mangy tabby cat trying to take the piss out of a really clever leopard that's got really lovely, sleek, thick hair.
I mean, it's just wrong.
I know that comedy is not your forte Okay.
How do you make a paper baby? - I don't know.
- You sleep with an old bag.
Is that as good as it gets? Uh, I'm much funnier after I've had a few Baileys.
I mean, I could always go down to the bar and then All right, Robyn.
You wouldn't know she's never done this before, would you? - I think she's doing very well actually.
- Hmm.
- (NICOLA SPEAKING ON TV) - Mmm.
She's doing terrific.
And actually, no, actually she's great fun to work for.
I mean, contrary to her image, she's actually a very funny person indeed, in person.
Yeah, everyone says that.
It's just no one wants to meet her in person.
- Ah - Come on.
Look, she's the best of a bad bunch, right? But she's not a fucking zombie, is she? - (MOBILE RINGING) - Oh.
Excuse me.
- Hello? - What? This is fun, isn't it? You're such a cunt.
There you are.
There you go with the banter again.
You're a funny fucker.
She has got a sort of, uh, sour-faced kind of Sort of looks like she's gonna She's gonna go in for the world fart-sniffing record, doesn't she? Looks like she's gonna win, too.
Where are you, Terri? TERRl: Yes, I'm on my way home now.
I just want you to know something.
I'm not going to be in tomorrow.
Nicola's given me the day off.
You've got another day off? But that's so unfair! I was talking to Nathan and he tells me that you've been flopping about all day reading Dan Brown.
So you've had your day off, haven't you? What, and you believe him? I mean, he doesn't even wash.
I've got to get going.
But one last titbit for you, Glenn kissed someone.
Glenn? Kissed who? Tell you later.
Bye.
Terri? Terri? OLLY: Honestly, you've got to see this.
Come here.
- What is it? - Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
- No! - Yeah.
NICOLA: Who is she? OLLY: (LAUGHS) I don't know.
OLLY: If she is a she.
I think I can see her madam's apple there.
NICOLA: Maybe they're just taking.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) Oh! OLLY: That's horrific.
I think he might actually have a tiny erection.
Oh, bless.
But you know what, he's had a rotten day.
- Yeah.
- I mean, he deserves a bit of TLC.
There's TLC and quick hand-job in the car park.
I'm not saying that that's what's happening.
This is like the worst porn film ever.
This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special advisor to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy - and they end up fucking.
- (NICOLA LAUGHING)