The Vicar of Dibley (1994) s03e03 Episode Script
Spring
Right.
Vicar, I believe you have a suggestion.
With the arrival of Geraldine, I'd like to open a creche in the vestry for all children under six, every weekday morning.
And people who have a mental age of under six? Eralso welcome.
Hurray! Yeah! Very well, you have to go through the normal channels check with the council that whoever runs it is qualified at child care.
Of course.
I can have it running in a month so get reproducing everyone.
We'll need a crowd.
Illegitimacy no barrier? Absolutely not.
Put me down for a dozen then, baby.
Moving on, I believe Hugo has an announcement.
Yes, siree! We've fixed the christening for the 22nd.
And Im delighted to say Mr Newitt and the vicar will be godparents.
Mr Pickle, Mr Trot, we wanted you to be godparents too but You probably won't live much longer.
That's right, so we thought you might like to be god-grandparents.
Thank you.
Am I right in thinking that I should get a present? Yes, absolutely right Owen.
Well, I'd like a new suit then, Hugo.
Can't get the pig's blood out of this one.
No, no, no, you get a present for the baby, Owen.
A godparent generally gives a spoon.
Oh - bugger.
As the Vicar is a godparent, I thought I'd ask my friend the Bishop of Mulberry to officiate at the service.
-Good idea.
Now I know the vicar won't like the idea.
-No, I do.
I beg your pardon? I think it's a good idea.
Do you mean you agree? That's the first time you've ever agreed with me.
-Is it? No, no! What about the proposal that we twin Dibley with the red-light district of Hamburg? That was your proposal, wasn't it Jim? If my memory serves me correctly it was tripple turning wasn't it? It was "Dibley", the "Reaper Barn" in Hamburg and the "Bangkok Pussy Club" And I did not agree with it.
-Shame.
-Bitter disappointment.
But on this christening thing David, absolutely, we do agree.
Hey, maybe it's the start of a beautiful friendship.
.
.
Moving on.
I think you're in there, chairmeister.
Oooh! Take her to the "Bangkok Pussy Club" hey.
! Moving on.
.
Babies are meant to look like their grandfathers.
Aren't they? Do you think she looks like Mr Horton? No, not really.
He's much taller, isn't he? Yes.
How are you doing with the breast-feeding then, Alice? It was tricky at first, but then the health visitor explained That I actually didn't have to eat grass like cows do.
Amazing! I know.
I can feed her at any time, any place.
Whip the old booby out and get squirting.
Allways best to put it away again when you've finished.
I know! I keep forgetting that.
It was a bit of a shock when you came for communion on Sunday.
Sorry.
And you know, she's very clever.
She's started saying some words.
At three months? Absolutely! Yesterday, she said "Gue".
You don't think she's just making baby noises Alice? No,no, no, We looked it up - it's a proper word.
G-U-E - it's a violin played in the Shetland Islands.
I think that's a bit obscure for a three-month-old.
This morning, she said "Guerre".
After hours of research, we found it's the French word for war! Incredible! No, literally incredible.
I know! I know! Oh David, Got your favourite person here.
Jeffrey Archer? No! Your granddaughter.
Oh, Hello, Daddy-diddy-do-dos.
Big wet kiss and lick.
Hello, Alice.
Aaaa There you are, you poor thing.
She said a whole word this morning.
Guess what she said.
Help? No.
I'v come to discuss the christening, Vicar.
Any decisions on the baby's names? Oh, Alice? Yes, we've finally decided Geraldine Wendy Nanna Peter Pan Tinkerbell Tiger Lily Captain Hook Crocodile Horton.
That's great.
What about Geraldine Pooh Piglet Kanga Eeyore Tigger Horton? Don't be so childish Geraldine.
Either she changes them or I'll have her sectioned.
Have you done a smelly, Geraldine? No, I have not! I think I'd know! You have, you naughty little whipper.
No I have Oh, right.
Sorry, sorry.
See you in a minute.
I won't have those names Vicar.
I know you'll disagree.
No I agree! You do? -Yeah.
I know what it's like to have a silly first name.
Well Geralidine is not THAT silly.
No not Geraldine, No, my REAL first name.
-Which is? Promise you won't laugh? -Of course I won't laugh! Boadicea.
-Boadicea? Yeah, thanks, thanks.
That is very amusing.
Oh, by the way, I'm having drinks tomorrow, so you can meet the bishop before the service.
-Oh Great! And he can meet the queen of the ancient Britons.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, hardy ha ha ha ha It's nice having a baby in the village again.
It is, it's lovely.
See you tomorrow, your highness.
Shut up! Right.
Baby's botty is as clean as a baby's botty.
Bye, you little gorgeous thing.
You're making me broody, you milky minxes.
Well you better find a husband fast, then hey! Ha ha, yes.
Bye bye, Aunty Gerry.
-Bye! See you later.
-Yeah Aunty Gerry! It's always Aunty Gerry.
Ahh, and how is daddy Hugo this evening? They're through here, Bishop.
Idiot boy! Everybody, I would like you to meet the Bishop of Mulberry, The Bishop is a very distinguished old friend of mine.
Good evening.
Good evening.
I see the little one's asleep, so it's best we all keep it very QUIET so as not to wake him.
I must say, I was delighted when David invited me to officiate at the service.
A christening is something I'm not VERY OFTEN asked to perform.
Oh, the little one's woken up.
Yes, I wonder how that happen.
Oh, Hello, little one.
Oh, you're not very happy, are you? And I know why.
You've just woken up and there are all these STRANGE people here.
Oh, you must be Alice.
Your majesty.
Excuse me.
I'm Frank Pickle, I'm god-grandparent.
Ah, how very unusual.
Not as unusual as the photo of Boyzone in my wallet.
Come and meet the Vicar, Bishop.
Hello.
Ah.
.
David tells me you were at school together.
Yes, that's right we're old chums at school.
Tell me, I don't actually remember.
Did we sleep together? No.
No, we didn't.
My sons are there now.
It isn't the same though.
The bullying's terrible.
Whereas the bullying in our day was excellent, eh? Who was that little creep whose head we used to shave with a blunt razor? That was me.
Oh, sorry.
No, no, all part of growing up, it helped to make me what I am today.
What? Bald? You must be one of those lady vicars.
Yes, I am.
Holy in more ways than one.
Do excuse me.
I'm surprised your judgement tolerating her here.
Actually she's the best vicar we've ever had.
She's a truly remarkable woman.
Ah, I didn't realise you were giving her one! Giving her one? Oh, so you're just in love with her, hey? What do you? What? Oh, Come on, David.
I know that look on your face.
Every time matron came into the dorm in that tiny little pinny Well, Let's meet some of your other charming neighbours, shall we.
Oh, hello! So, can anyone tell me why you're having her baptised on Sunday? You were busy on Saturday.
OK, ok, Let's do it in a different way, shall we.
You imagine I'm Chris Tarrant, Okay.
.
Are you having your daughter baptised because: A - She'll get some nice new spoons.
B - She'll get a wash in a font.
C - It'll make a change from watching the Antiques Roadshow.
And D, that's D - She'll be welcomed into the family of Christ.
I'll phone a friend.
No, no, no, no, no! -50/50? No, It's D Alice, it's D, it's D, it's D! It's tricky though, becouse it will make a change from watching Antiques Roadshow.
We're baptising her to bring her into a Christian, loving family.
Now, remember that God is a father, very much like your own father.
So he's drunk from dusk till dawn? No, well, probably a bit more like Hugo's father, then.
Shouting a lot? Telling me I'm a cretin? No, no, no.
Caning me when I wet the bed? No, I'm thinking more of a loving, gentle father who treasured you and cuddled you when you were little.
I had another father? I don't remember him at all.
No, no, no.
.
Okay, okay, okay.
.
Let's just forget the whole father thing.
I-I don't want to forget him! You better just tell me about him.
.
I'll gonna track him down through hell and high water! No, no, no.
.
Sit down, sit down, sweetheart.
Listen, all you neet to know is that we're having this service so that God can love your little Geraldine exactly the same way you do.
You see? Oh, Is that the time? Excuse me Vicar, I'm fixing up a bouncy castle for the pensioners' tea party.
They love a good bounce, .
.
the over eighties.
Oh, Hugo! O'dear! What? I've got to catch the post to send off for my Blue Peter badge.
Can you take care of little Geraldine for a minute? It'd be a pleasure and a doddle.
Great.
Bye bye, Mummy's baby.
Oh, you wouldn't just change her nappy, would you? Course.
Great.
A nappy and some wipes.
Yes.
Sure? Yes! I'm an world expert nappy-changer! Good! Back in one minute.
-All right.
Hello, little sweetums.
Come on then, darling.
Hello.
Welcome to Aunty Geraldine's house.
There you are.
Let me introduce you to a couple of blokes I know.
That's Jesus.
He's very nice.
And there, more importantly, is Sean Bean.
He's very sexy! So, Come on in and have a look at my kitchen.
Here's my new worktop which doubles up as a special baby-changing area.
There we go, let's get that nappy off.
Phwoagh! God! Argh! What are you eating? It's like Willy Wonker's Chocolate Factory down here! Oh, God! The wet-wipes! Sorry, little one! I'll be with you in a second.
Are you all right, all right, there we go.
Ah, good girl.
Stop crying, stop crying - there we go.
That wasn't too bad a fall, was it? Only three feet.
And the old nappy sort of acted as a cushion, didn't it!? Shame you fell face first.
Let's call it face painting, shall we? Who's a lovely little - brown bear, then? You just lie there and I'll go and find the wipes.
Hello, vicar.
Ah Now.
.
Don't lick that.
That just came out of a baby.
Having a bit of a crisis.
Go straight to the kitchen and wash that off.
That's it, I'll be O'God, I'm sorry! I ment to tell you the baby's on the floor! Hang on! I'll be right with you.
Oh, dear! You've got poo on your shoe.
Take it off.
Give it to me.
There we go.
One soaking wet suede shoe.
Right, why don't you just pop back in here.
Wait there.
There! On the end of the couch.
I'll just get her cleaned up.
Let's have a final inspection of your minky area.
No, no, no! I will be a little longer than I expected, the leaky little thing just weed in my face.
Ooo, .
.
funny wet face.
You said one minute, you irresponsible cow! You've been gone an hour and a half! No, I haven't! How's little Geraldine? Hello! She's um On the floor of the kitchen, covered in wee! No problem with that! Some people are so fussy! What a naughty Aunty Geraldine! So, we didn't get a chance to get acquainted.
How can I help you? I'm from the local council, to check your suitability to start a creche.
Right.
Just coming to see how you deal with.
.
Little children.
Good, excellent.
So, how do you think I did? Well.
.
Apart from greeting me with your hands covered in faeces, and then leaving the baby on the floor for anyone to step on, and then abandoning it to answer the door Yup.
I thought you were pretty damn good! Did you? Did you? Oh! Great! Thanks! So, out of casual interest, how long have you been doing this job? Just started today, actually.
I thought so.
I used to be in libraries.
Shh! This is my big break! -Right.
I think you're going to be superb at this job.
Oh yes.
Lucky local kiddies having you in charge.
So what say I'll wash the urine off my face, and we'll have a nice cup of tea.
Great! A new friend for you, Alice.
Whoa! Go on! Hit him! Hit him! Come on, right hook! - Hit him! Oh, come in The door's open! Oh, Good, he's down, good Oh, Hello David.
Hey - Nice hat! -Thank you.
I'm just watching the Jerry Springer Show.
It's.
.
My Mom Won't Let Me Sleep With Grandma.
I was on the side of the son's, but it turns out Grandma been dead for 2 months, so I'm wavering So, Alice is decided to change the baby's names.
-Good.
She's decided to naming her after her grandmother, .
.
and her favourite TV chef.
-Who's that? That's the bad news.
So, What can I do you for? Oh.
.
Nothing much.
I just thought to come around for a chat, that's all.
Is that all right? -Of course.
-What's on your mind? Oh, I don't know.
I've been thinking about things recently - circle of life stuff.
You know.
.
When you first arrived, I thought you were completely and utterly wrong for this village - a disaster.
-Lovely! But you weren't wrong.
You were right.
I thought you were wrong about Hugo marrying Alice.
But you were right.
They're happy.
What can I say, except, correct, I'm great! Yes Sometimes I think to myself, "Have I been a daft, stupid, prejudiced old fool?" No! That's Prince Philip.
I live alone in that great big house.
I think sometimes, "Did I let that scrofulous brother of mine seduce the woman I should have made it my mission in life to woo?" Pardon? Boadicea.
If I may call you that.
No, you mayn't.
.
.
Geraldine.
Just Hypothetically, of course.
Would I ever have had a chance with you? I know you didn't like me at first, but I believe you like me more now.
You have agreed with me on two occasions this week.
David, it's true.
I have grown increasingly fond of you, but Well I think, even hypothetically you'd have to agree that we'd never have made a pair.
Right.
Right.
Though, just parenthetically, can I ask why? I mean, you can't be happy here on your own every night with Jesus and Sean Bone Bean.
.
.
Bean, as your only companions.
I mean, why wouldn't I make better company? Well, okay, let's think about it.
I'm going to be frank because we're just fooling about here.
Well, right.
Right.
Three reasons why you wouldn't be right for me.
Well, One.
.
, you're a Tory.
Doesn't make me a bad person.
Erno.
But it does mean you can watch William Hague on TV and not giggle.
And therefore, you're not the bloke for me.
Secondly.
.
, you can't deny it David, you're a bit mean.
-Mean! Yeah - if you see a beggar on the street, what would you give him? I'll give him a kick and tell him to stop cluttering the highway.
-Exactly!.
.
And what are you worth? About £5 million.
-What!? Allright, what's your other reason? -Sorry, five million quid! -God That's a hell of a lot of Quality Street.
I might reconsider.
No, resist temptation.
The thing is, David, you're very old-fashioned.
You live in a suit - and you'r not exactly romantic.
If you were to propose to somebody, I'd expect you do it, hypothetical or parenthetical, - wouldn't you? Whereas, if ever I were to marry, I'd like someone to woo me properly.
You know, propose to me on one knee.
Not just pop round one evening to check if a deal was possible.
Right.
Right.
As usual.
Alas.
The door was open.
-Owen! You shouldn't just barge in! I might not have my clothes on! All the better! I should go.
-YesumBye.
You can take them off now, if you like.
No! Look, this isn't the right moment.
I need some time to myself.
Message received and understood.
Thanks.
Oh, God! -Ready now? Yes.
-Good.
It's about this godfather business.
Frank says, not only do I have to give the baby a present.
I also have to teach her things.
Well, that would be lovely.
Yeah! Right.
So I could take her on nature rambles when she's older, up to Badger's Copse, where we'd gaze at the bluebells.
and she'd hold my hand and say, "Tell me about the pretty flowers.
" Excellent.
How about teaching her to ride a bike? That too! Great! And slaughtering cattle? .
.
Not.
How about smoking out moles and stoving in their heads with a flat of a spade? Definitely not.
Just nice things.
That is nice! You should hear the squish of their skulls.
-No, no, no, no! I mean, without killing anything.
-Pity.
Yeah, I have got to get on now.
OK.
OK.
Final one.
-Yes? Blowing up toads.
I'll think about it.
-Good! What happened here this evening? It's not like Mr Horton to be late for a meeting.
I wonder where he is.
He's been missing for days.
Really? He disappeared after he spoke to you.
He looked a broken man.
I haven't seen him so lost and bewildered since Mrs Thatcher left Downing Street.
Oh, Lord! What did you say to him? I don't know really It was all a bit confusing.
Well, that is life, isn't it? Full of confusion.
Quite.
I found this gorgeous girl in Thailand.
We snogged well, we more than snogged.
I asked her to marry me.
She said yes.
We got married on a pineapple-strewn beach.
On the first night of the honeymoon, she takes off her clothes, and it turns out she's a bloke called Dwain.
She was just after a passport.
She didn't love me at all.
Well, this wasn't quite as confusing as that! What do you mean, "more than snogged"? Well, Dwain - he used to do this really amazing That's quite enough of that thank you! There are children present.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Evening all.
Before we start the meeting, just a few announcements.
I know they should come last, but heylet's go with the flow! Who is that? I think it's Mr Horton.
First, Hugo, I'd like you to read this.
"This is to certify that David Horton is a member of the Labour Party.
" Let me see that! Very wobbly signature, David.
Yes, I was shaking at the time.
And I brought you this.
£100,000! For the cause of your choice.
What, any cause? Ken Livingstone for King of England campaign? If you so wish.
And finally, one, two, three! Geraldine Granger, will you marry me? .
.
David, don't be so silly! I'm not being silly, I've never been so serious in my life.
I think we will be happy.
Well, I'll think about it, I really will.
Go on, vicar! He's a millionaire for Christ's sake! And very fertile.
And strangely attractive in the right light.
No! No, no, no, no, NO! No, Say yes! But I The simple truth is, all this nonsense aside, I love you.
All right, then.
Mummy! At last! Get off me! I can't breathe! Get off! Just think.
In five minutes' time, you're going to be my mother-in-law.
Funny! And baby Geraldine's granny! Good luck, granny.
We're gathered here together, in the sight of the Lord to witness the marriage of this man to THIS WOMAN.
Do you, Boadicea Geraldine Granger? Did he say Boadicea? .
.
Take this man, David Francis Matthew Horton to be your lawful wedded husband? Um Um.
Um.
NO! Don't do it, Geraldine! It's me you love, not him.
Come on, lass.
You're right! Save me, Sean.
Save me, Sean! Save me! No! No, I can't! Hugo.
-Mum! Oh, God.
Thank heavens! Dad's got stacks of laundry.
Can I come in? -Of course! Soon, you'll never have to ask that again.
Umit's just that I've got something to tell you.
Fire away, darling.
-Shall I tootle off? No, no, no, you stay Hugo.
I want to talk to you too.
One big, happy family.
Can't wait for Christmas! # Chestnuts # Yes, all right! It's just that I had a terrible nightmare last night.
I had a nightmare too.
I dreamt you came to tell me - you didn't love me after all, and that you couldn't marry me.
Right What was your nightmare? Well, it wasn't like that.
It was full of big purple monsters all going "Rrrraaaa!" and gouging eyes out.
So, you do still want to marry me? Ah, well that's another thing.
I also dreamt that I was already married to you and I wasn't completely happy.
Ah.
Right.
David, I I'm sorry.
I just got swept away the other day.
I like you, but just because we're the only villagers with a brain, well, apart from you, Hugo You got two, haven't you .
.
it doesn't necessarily mean that we're right for each other.
True love holds marriages together, not truly stupid neighbours with a big dollop of loneliness thrown in.
Yes.
Fine.
As usual, you're right.
If you'll excuse me for just a second, I think I'll pop into my study.
Still, you've made my first mum look like a real stayer.
Sorry, Hugo.
I would, however, like it to be noted .
.
just for the minutes, as it were, that I had the brains to recognise what an extraordinary woman you are and to realise that the man who finally does spend his life with you will indeed, be the luckiest of all men.
Even though, so obviously, it cannot be me.
Still, I'll see you on Sunday.
I'm sure with my friend the Bishop, it'll be an interesting experience.
Yes, indeed.
It's normal for the priest to now go on about the purposes of baptism.
But I don't think of myself as an ORDINARY CLERGYMAN! Fair do's.
So, if you'd like to hand her over, we can all get back to David's for some GENUINELY DISGUSTING sherry.
There we go, oh.
.
, poppet.
O, just one moment.
I wasn't quite sure how deep you'd be popping her in, so I thought I'd take proper precautions.
Geraldine Laa-Laa .
.
Granny AINSLEY HARRIOTT Horston I baptise thee in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Let us all give thanks to Almighty God and pray in silence for the truly wondrous deed that we have done here today.
Total silence, please.
WHO ART IN HEAVEN.
Tiny little fingers.
Excellent.
She will always have God's love.
But let us pray that she may, one day, find something, which in my long experience has been MUCH HARDER to find.
Sane clergyman? No.
The true love of another person.
And finally, from one Geraldine to another, I wish you health and happiness and bosoms the size of basketballs.
You've don't need luck, becouse you got that allready.
You been born to two of the sweetest parents that God ever made.
I just like you to accept a little token of my affections.
Oh, Frank.
You are kind.
These are hand-written copies that I made of the minutes of the last 30 years of council meetings.
I assure you it's gripping stuff.
And what did the godfather bring his goddaughter? As duty demands, I got her a christening spoon.
Well done, Owen! Ah.
Got it at the local Chinky.
I've even engraved it.
To Gerald.
That's all I could fit on.
Here we go.
Just a little gift.
Oh! Oh, Jim.
You really shouldn't have.
Oh no, no, no.
.
.
I'll take it back then.
Cheers.
So, Superman feeling a little bit bored, becouse Spiderman and Batman are on a scuba diveing course.
-Oh, shame.
.
Mmm, so, he don't have anyone to play with.
So, he's flying around and suddenly he sees Wonderwoman naked, spread eagled, on the top of a tall building.
-Oh.
.
she'll catch a cold.
No, no, it's summer.
.
-Well thank goodness for that! Yeah! So, he's allways fancied Wonderwoman, so he think's, - Now is my chanse! And he swoops down and faster than a speeding bullet, - does his business -, and then he flies off again.
Moment's later, Wonderwoman say's, what was that? And the Invisible man climbs off her and say's - - I don't know, but it hurt a lot! -.
I know it's rude, but it's very funny -Yeah.
.
I don't get it? I know, I didn't expect that you would.
Well, Eh.
.
, You seem to be suggesting that superman committed homosexual rape upon the Invesible man.
I just don't find that funny.
Right.
.
In fact, you'll be smudging the reputation of two of the finest super heroes this world has ever known.
I mean, I never actually met them.
Well I might have met the invesible man I wouldn't know .
.
He's invisable But I've heard.
, that they are both, .
.
really nice guys.
Frankly, I think you should be ashamed of your self.
Goodby Vicar! Prude
Vicar, I believe you have a suggestion.
With the arrival of Geraldine, I'd like to open a creche in the vestry for all children under six, every weekday morning.
And people who have a mental age of under six? Eralso welcome.
Hurray! Yeah! Very well, you have to go through the normal channels check with the council that whoever runs it is qualified at child care.
Of course.
I can have it running in a month so get reproducing everyone.
We'll need a crowd.
Illegitimacy no barrier? Absolutely not.
Put me down for a dozen then, baby.
Moving on, I believe Hugo has an announcement.
Yes, siree! We've fixed the christening for the 22nd.
And Im delighted to say Mr Newitt and the vicar will be godparents.
Mr Pickle, Mr Trot, we wanted you to be godparents too but You probably won't live much longer.
That's right, so we thought you might like to be god-grandparents.
Thank you.
Am I right in thinking that I should get a present? Yes, absolutely right Owen.
Well, I'd like a new suit then, Hugo.
Can't get the pig's blood out of this one.
No, no, no, you get a present for the baby, Owen.
A godparent generally gives a spoon.
Oh - bugger.
As the Vicar is a godparent, I thought I'd ask my friend the Bishop of Mulberry to officiate at the service.
-Good idea.
Now I know the vicar won't like the idea.
-No, I do.
I beg your pardon? I think it's a good idea.
Do you mean you agree? That's the first time you've ever agreed with me.
-Is it? No, no! What about the proposal that we twin Dibley with the red-light district of Hamburg? That was your proposal, wasn't it Jim? If my memory serves me correctly it was tripple turning wasn't it? It was "Dibley", the "Reaper Barn" in Hamburg and the "Bangkok Pussy Club" And I did not agree with it.
-Shame.
-Bitter disappointment.
But on this christening thing David, absolutely, we do agree.
Hey, maybe it's the start of a beautiful friendship.
.
.
Moving on.
I think you're in there, chairmeister.
Oooh! Take her to the "Bangkok Pussy Club" hey.
! Moving on.
.
Babies are meant to look like their grandfathers.
Aren't they? Do you think she looks like Mr Horton? No, not really.
He's much taller, isn't he? Yes.
How are you doing with the breast-feeding then, Alice? It was tricky at first, but then the health visitor explained That I actually didn't have to eat grass like cows do.
Amazing! I know.
I can feed her at any time, any place.
Whip the old booby out and get squirting.
Allways best to put it away again when you've finished.
I know! I keep forgetting that.
It was a bit of a shock when you came for communion on Sunday.
Sorry.
And you know, she's very clever.
She's started saying some words.
At three months? Absolutely! Yesterday, she said "Gue".
You don't think she's just making baby noises Alice? No,no, no, We looked it up - it's a proper word.
G-U-E - it's a violin played in the Shetland Islands.
I think that's a bit obscure for a three-month-old.
This morning, she said "Guerre".
After hours of research, we found it's the French word for war! Incredible! No, literally incredible.
I know! I know! Oh David, Got your favourite person here.
Jeffrey Archer? No! Your granddaughter.
Oh, Hello, Daddy-diddy-do-dos.
Big wet kiss and lick.
Hello, Alice.
Aaaa There you are, you poor thing.
She said a whole word this morning.
Guess what she said.
Help? No.
I'v come to discuss the christening, Vicar.
Any decisions on the baby's names? Oh, Alice? Yes, we've finally decided Geraldine Wendy Nanna Peter Pan Tinkerbell Tiger Lily Captain Hook Crocodile Horton.
That's great.
What about Geraldine Pooh Piglet Kanga Eeyore Tigger Horton? Don't be so childish Geraldine.
Either she changes them or I'll have her sectioned.
Have you done a smelly, Geraldine? No, I have not! I think I'd know! You have, you naughty little whipper.
No I have Oh, right.
Sorry, sorry.
See you in a minute.
I won't have those names Vicar.
I know you'll disagree.
No I agree! You do? -Yeah.
I know what it's like to have a silly first name.
Well Geralidine is not THAT silly.
No not Geraldine, No, my REAL first name.
-Which is? Promise you won't laugh? -Of course I won't laugh! Boadicea.
-Boadicea? Yeah, thanks, thanks.
That is very amusing.
Oh, by the way, I'm having drinks tomorrow, so you can meet the bishop before the service.
-Oh Great! And he can meet the queen of the ancient Britons.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, hardy ha ha ha ha It's nice having a baby in the village again.
It is, it's lovely.
See you tomorrow, your highness.
Shut up! Right.
Baby's botty is as clean as a baby's botty.
Bye, you little gorgeous thing.
You're making me broody, you milky minxes.
Well you better find a husband fast, then hey! Ha ha, yes.
Bye bye, Aunty Gerry.
-Bye! See you later.
-Yeah Aunty Gerry! It's always Aunty Gerry.
Ahh, and how is daddy Hugo this evening? They're through here, Bishop.
Idiot boy! Everybody, I would like you to meet the Bishop of Mulberry, The Bishop is a very distinguished old friend of mine.
Good evening.
Good evening.
I see the little one's asleep, so it's best we all keep it very QUIET so as not to wake him.
I must say, I was delighted when David invited me to officiate at the service.
A christening is something I'm not VERY OFTEN asked to perform.
Oh, the little one's woken up.
Yes, I wonder how that happen.
Oh, Hello, little one.
Oh, you're not very happy, are you? And I know why.
You've just woken up and there are all these STRANGE people here.
Oh, you must be Alice.
Your majesty.
Excuse me.
I'm Frank Pickle, I'm god-grandparent.
Ah, how very unusual.
Not as unusual as the photo of Boyzone in my wallet.
Come and meet the Vicar, Bishop.
Hello.
Ah.
.
David tells me you were at school together.
Yes, that's right we're old chums at school.
Tell me, I don't actually remember.
Did we sleep together? No.
No, we didn't.
My sons are there now.
It isn't the same though.
The bullying's terrible.
Whereas the bullying in our day was excellent, eh? Who was that little creep whose head we used to shave with a blunt razor? That was me.
Oh, sorry.
No, no, all part of growing up, it helped to make me what I am today.
What? Bald? You must be one of those lady vicars.
Yes, I am.
Holy in more ways than one.
Do excuse me.
I'm surprised your judgement tolerating her here.
Actually she's the best vicar we've ever had.
She's a truly remarkable woman.
Ah, I didn't realise you were giving her one! Giving her one? Oh, so you're just in love with her, hey? What do you? What? Oh, Come on, David.
I know that look on your face.
Every time matron came into the dorm in that tiny little pinny Well, Let's meet some of your other charming neighbours, shall we.
Oh, hello! So, can anyone tell me why you're having her baptised on Sunday? You were busy on Saturday.
OK, ok, Let's do it in a different way, shall we.
You imagine I'm Chris Tarrant, Okay.
.
Are you having your daughter baptised because: A - She'll get some nice new spoons.
B - She'll get a wash in a font.
C - It'll make a change from watching the Antiques Roadshow.
And D, that's D - She'll be welcomed into the family of Christ.
I'll phone a friend.
No, no, no, no, no! -50/50? No, It's D Alice, it's D, it's D, it's D! It's tricky though, becouse it will make a change from watching Antiques Roadshow.
We're baptising her to bring her into a Christian, loving family.
Now, remember that God is a father, very much like your own father.
So he's drunk from dusk till dawn? No, well, probably a bit more like Hugo's father, then.
Shouting a lot? Telling me I'm a cretin? No, no, no.
Caning me when I wet the bed? No, I'm thinking more of a loving, gentle father who treasured you and cuddled you when you were little.
I had another father? I don't remember him at all.
No, no, no.
.
Okay, okay, okay.
.
Let's just forget the whole father thing.
I-I don't want to forget him! You better just tell me about him.
.
I'll gonna track him down through hell and high water! No, no, no.
.
Sit down, sit down, sweetheart.
Listen, all you neet to know is that we're having this service so that God can love your little Geraldine exactly the same way you do.
You see? Oh, Is that the time? Excuse me Vicar, I'm fixing up a bouncy castle for the pensioners' tea party.
They love a good bounce, .
.
the over eighties.
Oh, Hugo! O'dear! What? I've got to catch the post to send off for my Blue Peter badge.
Can you take care of little Geraldine for a minute? It'd be a pleasure and a doddle.
Great.
Bye bye, Mummy's baby.
Oh, you wouldn't just change her nappy, would you? Course.
Great.
A nappy and some wipes.
Yes.
Sure? Yes! I'm an world expert nappy-changer! Good! Back in one minute.
-All right.
Hello, little sweetums.
Come on then, darling.
Hello.
Welcome to Aunty Geraldine's house.
There you are.
Let me introduce you to a couple of blokes I know.
That's Jesus.
He's very nice.
And there, more importantly, is Sean Bean.
He's very sexy! So, Come on in and have a look at my kitchen.
Here's my new worktop which doubles up as a special baby-changing area.
There we go, let's get that nappy off.
Phwoagh! God! Argh! What are you eating? It's like Willy Wonker's Chocolate Factory down here! Oh, God! The wet-wipes! Sorry, little one! I'll be with you in a second.
Are you all right, all right, there we go.
Ah, good girl.
Stop crying, stop crying - there we go.
That wasn't too bad a fall, was it? Only three feet.
And the old nappy sort of acted as a cushion, didn't it!? Shame you fell face first.
Let's call it face painting, shall we? Who's a lovely little - brown bear, then? You just lie there and I'll go and find the wipes.
Hello, vicar.
Ah Now.
.
Don't lick that.
That just came out of a baby.
Having a bit of a crisis.
Go straight to the kitchen and wash that off.
That's it, I'll be O'God, I'm sorry! I ment to tell you the baby's on the floor! Hang on! I'll be right with you.
Oh, dear! You've got poo on your shoe.
Take it off.
Give it to me.
There we go.
One soaking wet suede shoe.
Right, why don't you just pop back in here.
Wait there.
There! On the end of the couch.
I'll just get her cleaned up.
Let's have a final inspection of your minky area.
No, no, no! I will be a little longer than I expected, the leaky little thing just weed in my face.
Ooo, .
.
funny wet face.
You said one minute, you irresponsible cow! You've been gone an hour and a half! No, I haven't! How's little Geraldine? Hello! She's um On the floor of the kitchen, covered in wee! No problem with that! Some people are so fussy! What a naughty Aunty Geraldine! So, we didn't get a chance to get acquainted.
How can I help you? I'm from the local council, to check your suitability to start a creche.
Right.
Just coming to see how you deal with.
.
Little children.
Good, excellent.
So, how do you think I did? Well.
.
Apart from greeting me with your hands covered in faeces, and then leaving the baby on the floor for anyone to step on, and then abandoning it to answer the door Yup.
I thought you were pretty damn good! Did you? Did you? Oh! Great! Thanks! So, out of casual interest, how long have you been doing this job? Just started today, actually.
I thought so.
I used to be in libraries.
Shh! This is my big break! -Right.
I think you're going to be superb at this job.
Oh yes.
Lucky local kiddies having you in charge.
So what say I'll wash the urine off my face, and we'll have a nice cup of tea.
Great! A new friend for you, Alice.
Whoa! Go on! Hit him! Hit him! Come on, right hook! - Hit him! Oh, come in The door's open! Oh, Good, he's down, good Oh, Hello David.
Hey - Nice hat! -Thank you.
I'm just watching the Jerry Springer Show.
It's.
.
My Mom Won't Let Me Sleep With Grandma.
I was on the side of the son's, but it turns out Grandma been dead for 2 months, so I'm wavering So, Alice is decided to change the baby's names.
-Good.
She's decided to naming her after her grandmother, .
.
and her favourite TV chef.
-Who's that? That's the bad news.
So, What can I do you for? Oh.
.
Nothing much.
I just thought to come around for a chat, that's all.
Is that all right? -Of course.
-What's on your mind? Oh, I don't know.
I've been thinking about things recently - circle of life stuff.
You know.
.
When you first arrived, I thought you were completely and utterly wrong for this village - a disaster.
-Lovely! But you weren't wrong.
You were right.
I thought you were wrong about Hugo marrying Alice.
But you were right.
They're happy.
What can I say, except, correct, I'm great! Yes Sometimes I think to myself, "Have I been a daft, stupid, prejudiced old fool?" No! That's Prince Philip.
I live alone in that great big house.
I think sometimes, "Did I let that scrofulous brother of mine seduce the woman I should have made it my mission in life to woo?" Pardon? Boadicea.
If I may call you that.
No, you mayn't.
.
.
Geraldine.
Just Hypothetically, of course.
Would I ever have had a chance with you? I know you didn't like me at first, but I believe you like me more now.
You have agreed with me on two occasions this week.
David, it's true.
I have grown increasingly fond of you, but Well I think, even hypothetically you'd have to agree that we'd never have made a pair.
Right.
Right.
Though, just parenthetically, can I ask why? I mean, you can't be happy here on your own every night with Jesus and Sean Bone Bean.
.
.
Bean, as your only companions.
I mean, why wouldn't I make better company? Well, okay, let's think about it.
I'm going to be frank because we're just fooling about here.
Well, right.
Right.
Three reasons why you wouldn't be right for me.
Well, One.
.
, you're a Tory.
Doesn't make me a bad person.
Erno.
But it does mean you can watch William Hague on TV and not giggle.
And therefore, you're not the bloke for me.
Secondly.
.
, you can't deny it David, you're a bit mean.
-Mean! Yeah - if you see a beggar on the street, what would you give him? I'll give him a kick and tell him to stop cluttering the highway.
-Exactly!.
.
And what are you worth? About £5 million.
-What!? Allright, what's your other reason? -Sorry, five million quid! -God That's a hell of a lot of Quality Street.
I might reconsider.
No, resist temptation.
The thing is, David, you're very old-fashioned.
You live in a suit - and you'r not exactly romantic.
If you were to propose to somebody, I'd expect you do it, hypothetical or parenthetical, - wouldn't you? Whereas, if ever I were to marry, I'd like someone to woo me properly.
You know, propose to me on one knee.
Not just pop round one evening to check if a deal was possible.
Right.
Right.
As usual.
Alas.
The door was open.
-Owen! You shouldn't just barge in! I might not have my clothes on! All the better! I should go.
-YesumBye.
You can take them off now, if you like.
No! Look, this isn't the right moment.
I need some time to myself.
Message received and understood.
Thanks.
Oh, God! -Ready now? Yes.
-Good.
It's about this godfather business.
Frank says, not only do I have to give the baby a present.
I also have to teach her things.
Well, that would be lovely.
Yeah! Right.
So I could take her on nature rambles when she's older, up to Badger's Copse, where we'd gaze at the bluebells.
and she'd hold my hand and say, "Tell me about the pretty flowers.
" Excellent.
How about teaching her to ride a bike? That too! Great! And slaughtering cattle? .
.
Not.
How about smoking out moles and stoving in their heads with a flat of a spade? Definitely not.
Just nice things.
That is nice! You should hear the squish of their skulls.
-No, no, no, no! I mean, without killing anything.
-Pity.
Yeah, I have got to get on now.
OK.
OK.
Final one.
-Yes? Blowing up toads.
I'll think about it.
-Good! What happened here this evening? It's not like Mr Horton to be late for a meeting.
I wonder where he is.
He's been missing for days.
Really? He disappeared after he spoke to you.
He looked a broken man.
I haven't seen him so lost and bewildered since Mrs Thatcher left Downing Street.
Oh, Lord! What did you say to him? I don't know really It was all a bit confusing.
Well, that is life, isn't it? Full of confusion.
Quite.
I found this gorgeous girl in Thailand.
We snogged well, we more than snogged.
I asked her to marry me.
She said yes.
We got married on a pineapple-strewn beach.
On the first night of the honeymoon, she takes off her clothes, and it turns out she's a bloke called Dwain.
She was just after a passport.
She didn't love me at all.
Well, this wasn't quite as confusing as that! What do you mean, "more than snogged"? Well, Dwain - he used to do this really amazing That's quite enough of that thank you! There are children present.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Evening all.
Before we start the meeting, just a few announcements.
I know they should come last, but heylet's go with the flow! Who is that? I think it's Mr Horton.
First, Hugo, I'd like you to read this.
"This is to certify that David Horton is a member of the Labour Party.
" Let me see that! Very wobbly signature, David.
Yes, I was shaking at the time.
And I brought you this.
£100,000! For the cause of your choice.
What, any cause? Ken Livingstone for King of England campaign? If you so wish.
And finally, one, two, three! Geraldine Granger, will you marry me? .
.
David, don't be so silly! I'm not being silly, I've never been so serious in my life.
I think we will be happy.
Well, I'll think about it, I really will.
Go on, vicar! He's a millionaire for Christ's sake! And very fertile.
And strangely attractive in the right light.
No! No, no, no, no, NO! No, Say yes! But I The simple truth is, all this nonsense aside, I love you.
All right, then.
Mummy! At last! Get off me! I can't breathe! Get off! Just think.
In five minutes' time, you're going to be my mother-in-law.
Funny! And baby Geraldine's granny! Good luck, granny.
We're gathered here together, in the sight of the Lord to witness the marriage of this man to THIS WOMAN.
Do you, Boadicea Geraldine Granger? Did he say Boadicea? .
.
Take this man, David Francis Matthew Horton to be your lawful wedded husband? Um Um.
Um.
NO! Don't do it, Geraldine! It's me you love, not him.
Come on, lass.
You're right! Save me, Sean.
Save me, Sean! Save me! No! No, I can't! Hugo.
-Mum! Oh, God.
Thank heavens! Dad's got stacks of laundry.
Can I come in? -Of course! Soon, you'll never have to ask that again.
Umit's just that I've got something to tell you.
Fire away, darling.
-Shall I tootle off? No, no, no, you stay Hugo.
I want to talk to you too.
One big, happy family.
Can't wait for Christmas! # Chestnuts # Yes, all right! It's just that I had a terrible nightmare last night.
I had a nightmare too.
I dreamt you came to tell me - you didn't love me after all, and that you couldn't marry me.
Right What was your nightmare? Well, it wasn't like that.
It was full of big purple monsters all going "Rrrraaaa!" and gouging eyes out.
So, you do still want to marry me? Ah, well that's another thing.
I also dreamt that I was already married to you and I wasn't completely happy.
Ah.
Right.
David, I I'm sorry.
I just got swept away the other day.
I like you, but just because we're the only villagers with a brain, well, apart from you, Hugo You got two, haven't you .
.
it doesn't necessarily mean that we're right for each other.
True love holds marriages together, not truly stupid neighbours with a big dollop of loneliness thrown in.
Yes.
Fine.
As usual, you're right.
If you'll excuse me for just a second, I think I'll pop into my study.
Still, you've made my first mum look like a real stayer.
Sorry, Hugo.
I would, however, like it to be noted .
.
just for the minutes, as it were, that I had the brains to recognise what an extraordinary woman you are and to realise that the man who finally does spend his life with you will indeed, be the luckiest of all men.
Even though, so obviously, it cannot be me.
Still, I'll see you on Sunday.
I'm sure with my friend the Bishop, it'll be an interesting experience.
Yes, indeed.
It's normal for the priest to now go on about the purposes of baptism.
But I don't think of myself as an ORDINARY CLERGYMAN! Fair do's.
So, if you'd like to hand her over, we can all get back to David's for some GENUINELY DISGUSTING sherry.
There we go, oh.
.
, poppet.
O, just one moment.
I wasn't quite sure how deep you'd be popping her in, so I thought I'd take proper precautions.
Geraldine Laa-Laa .
.
Granny AINSLEY HARRIOTT Horston I baptise thee in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Let us all give thanks to Almighty God and pray in silence for the truly wondrous deed that we have done here today.
Total silence, please.
WHO ART IN HEAVEN.
Tiny little fingers.
Excellent.
She will always have God's love.
But let us pray that she may, one day, find something, which in my long experience has been MUCH HARDER to find.
Sane clergyman? No.
The true love of another person.
And finally, from one Geraldine to another, I wish you health and happiness and bosoms the size of basketballs.
You've don't need luck, becouse you got that allready.
You been born to two of the sweetest parents that God ever made.
I just like you to accept a little token of my affections.
Oh, Frank.
You are kind.
These are hand-written copies that I made of the minutes of the last 30 years of council meetings.
I assure you it's gripping stuff.
And what did the godfather bring his goddaughter? As duty demands, I got her a christening spoon.
Well done, Owen! Ah.
Got it at the local Chinky.
I've even engraved it.
To Gerald.
That's all I could fit on.
Here we go.
Just a little gift.
Oh! Oh, Jim.
You really shouldn't have.
Oh no, no, no.
.
.
I'll take it back then.
Cheers.
So, Superman feeling a little bit bored, becouse Spiderman and Batman are on a scuba diveing course.
-Oh, shame.
.
Mmm, so, he don't have anyone to play with.
So, he's flying around and suddenly he sees Wonderwoman naked, spread eagled, on the top of a tall building.
-Oh.
.
she'll catch a cold.
No, no, it's summer.
.
-Well thank goodness for that! Yeah! So, he's allways fancied Wonderwoman, so he think's, - Now is my chanse! And he swoops down and faster than a speeding bullet, - does his business -, and then he flies off again.
Moment's later, Wonderwoman say's, what was that? And the Invisible man climbs off her and say's - - I don't know, but it hurt a lot! -.
I know it's rude, but it's very funny -Yeah.
.
I don't get it? I know, I didn't expect that you would.
Well, Eh.
.
, You seem to be suggesting that superman committed homosexual rape upon the Invesible man.
I just don't find that funny.
Right.
.
In fact, you'll be smudging the reputation of two of the finest super heroes this world has ever known.
I mean, I never actually met them.
Well I might have met the invesible man I wouldn't know .
.
He's invisable But I've heard.
, that they are both, .
.
really nice guys.
Frankly, I think you should be ashamed of your self.
Goodby Vicar! Prude