The Weekenders (2000) s03e03 Episode Script

It's Tino.
I'm hiding because I
humiliated myself in class,
and I can't let
the other kids see me.
Ever again.
Hey, this is where we hide out
when we humiliate ourselves.
Get out!
Well. The big humiliation
convention must be in town.
Okay, something happened in the
fifth period that will scar me forever.
In English class, we were watching
that Romeo and Juliet play, and
Well, take a look.
I was doing fine.
I even made it through
Romeo taking the poison,
but when Juliet went down, too..
Something inside just turned
on the faucet stuff.
"Let me die!"
Have you seen this play?
Everyone dies.
There ought to be a law against
showing stuff that's sad in class.
But, it got even sadder.
Hey, Tonitini's cryin'!
In case you're wondering,
my life is officially, over.
Tino!
There, there.
I think it's great that you
appreciate Shakespeareenough
to publicly disgrace yourself.
I bet you'd like to rephrase that.
Yep.
Thanks, Tino.
You made such a goon
of yourself today, that
everyone forgot the
time I wet myself in P.E.
Hey, Tonitini.
Can you come to my house?
My mom has to water her flowers.
Some girls like mushy boys, Tino.
Yeah.
Maybe later we can all
play with your dollies.
Why, do I just know I'll still be able to
hear that laughter when I'm 50?
I'm gonna order the Gigabyte.
Click back twice for extra cheese.
Dude.
That's a lot of cheese.
I know.
I love modern technology.
It's okay.
Pay no attention to the smoking crater
that is my life.
I gotta say, T, crying at a movie does
make you seem kinda. delicate.
You cried at the end of
"The Three Nitwits in Space"!
What a kidder!
Don't spread it around.
I'm sorry, Tino.
Thank you.
I mean, I'm sorry I didn't get to see it!
I've never seen a boy cry!
You've got 13 brothers.
You're saying none of them ever cry?
Not after they turn five!
And it's 12.
No.
Right.
Come on.
Cry for me.
So I can see what it's like.
No way.
How about if I read you some poetry?
No.
What if I write some poetry?
No.
If I shoot this rubber band
into your earlobe?
No.
Okay, maybe.
But pain tears don't count.
Don't pick on Tino.
His newfound emotionalism is like the
blossoming of a delicate flower.
"Delicate flower"?
That does it.
Man, he is sensitive.
How could anyone get upset
about something as dumb as that?
The pizza's jammed.
No!
It says replace cheese cartridge.
Curse you, modern technology.
Curse you!
Hey, aren't you going
to complain about the food?
In case you're wondering, it's curry
cactus casserole.
It's fine.
Fine?
Okay, now I'm a little worried.
I think you need some
positive energy therapy.
And what might that be?
That would be a soothing sea salt bath
and an aromatherapy candle.
Wait a second.
It's you.
It's all your fault.
Sweetie, take a cleansing breath
and tell me what you're talking about.
That's what I'm talking about!
All your cleansing breaths and stuff
have made me too sensitive!
Honey.
Playing whale song
CDs all the time,
taking me on "Paint Your
Own Ceramic" outings,
and Mother-and-Son
Jane Austen film nights!?
Tino
You made me an emotional wimp !
I will never feel anything again.
From now on, I have no emotions!
Honey, you sound angry?
Okay, no emotions after that one.
I can't believe "Moon Mania 2"
is finally here!
It's so exciting.
Wait, how is it different from "1" anyway?
It's louder and it costs more.
Cool!
We're up!
Aww!
Oh, man!
I told them fancy video game fellas
that extra noise'd bust somethin' loose!
But do they listen to ol' Josiah?
Noooo, sir, they do not!
What a rip!
We've been waiting all morning.
Whatever.
Yeah, you can't do this to --
What do you mean, "whatever"?
Guys, Tino's broken.
I'm not broken.
I've just decided that
emotions only cause trouble,
so I'm not going
to have them.
Dude! Now I'll never get to see you cry.
Exactly.
But we'll never get to
see you laugh, either.
A small price to pay.
Uh, T. That guy just
ran over your foot.
I know.
It was quite painful.
Sidebar.
Okay, our best friend has
turned into a robot.
And not even a cool, laser-blasting
kind of robot!
More like a fire hydrant with legs.
You gotta fix him.
Yeah, we have to show him
that it's okay to have emotions.
How are we gonna do that?
Tino, it says on the internet that
Chum Bukkit just broke up!
Whatever.
Look, a baby dolphin caught in a tuna net.
Whatever.
I spilled my Chug-a-Freeze
Whate --
Okay, that wouldn't be all that sad
even if I had emotions.
Sure it's sad!
I ruined a $20 blouse!
Whatever.
Plan B.
If we can't make him sad,
let's make him angry!
Hey, T!
I busted your game thingy.
Whatever.
Oops.
Goodness.
Was this your prized Chess trophy?
Whatever.
You know what?
Fractal Man could beat up
Captain Dreadnought.
Whatever.
Scooter the Happy Pony could beat up
Captain Dreadnought!
You're probably right.
A small bundle of twigs could beat up
Captain Dreadnought !
One, never knows.
You know what?
Forget you, Tino.
I never really liked you, anyway.
Nice try.
But you left your script
on the coffee table, Olivier.
"Fogue-ret you, Tino."
"Ah never, ruly, liked you."
"Call me Wagg."
My handwriting's getting better,
don't you think?
Okay. I'm calling off Plan B.
I wish you'd have said that before I went
upstairs and busted Tino's computer.
Whatever.
Leftover cactus curry casserole?
Honey, I know you're mad at me.
I'm not mad.
Mad is for people with emotions.
Okay, fine.
I admit it.
I've tried to help you
stay in touch with your
feelings because without
them, your life would stink.
Trust me, you'll be greatful
when you're older.
The ol' "someday you'll thank me"-speech.
Number 23 in the big book of parental
cliches.
Ooh, an emotional response.
Uh-uh ahh.
Sarcasm is not an emotion.
No.
In your case, it's a way of life.
Check out Dot Cardigan.
Gee, I sure wish I could afford to buy
tons of nice things like her.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
If only I had money like Dot Cardigan!
Right, Lor?
I don't think money is so import --
Ow!
Why'd you do that?
I see.
You're trying to make me, envious.
Forget it.
I have no emotions,
and I like it that way.
Alright, show of hands!
Who gives up on Tino?
Right.
We're gone.
Call us when you come to your senses.
Whatever.
Excellent move, kid.
Yeah, I gave up that whole
"having feelings" thing years ago.
Best decision I ever made.
Really?
Haven't had one sad day since.
Not even when my wife left me.
Yeah.
See, I knew I made the right
Your wife?
Yeah, she said I was too cold,
took the kids, and the dog.
House, car, toaster,
linen, shoes, shoelaces.
Isn't that kind of terrible?
Nah.
Then I lost my business 'cause
I didn't care what happened to it,
and now I can't hold down a job
because I don't relate to people so good.
But I haven't had a single sad day.
Or a single happy day.
Anyhow, way to go, kid!
Feelings are for suckers, right?
Um, excuse me.
Think I just came to my senses.
Guys?
Wait up.
Guys?!
Hey, you never said you were married?
I wasn't.
His mom paid me 20 bucks
to tell that story.
And she'd give me some curried cactus
casserole.
Sweet.
Oh, it's good to have the old,
emotional Tino back.
Sure is!
You said it.
It's good to be back.
Oh, wait.
Did Chum Bukkit really break up!?
No, I
Oh! Those poor baby dolphins.
I'm sorry about your blouse,
but you broke my Chess trophy!
And my game thingy!
And my computer!
Actually, I just unplugged
And Captain Dreadnought
could beat Fractal Man,
Scooter the Happy Pony,
a small bundle of twigs,
and your daddy!
Oh, yeah.
How do you like them apples?
Why did we want his emotions back?
I cannot recall.
Mom, I'm sorry I got mad at ya.
I knew you'd come around.
Yeah.
Well anyway, thanks.
Life would be pretty
bad without feelings,
even if they do get you
in trouble sometimes.
I'm glad you think so, because you may
have some feelings about this yummy dinner.
Leftover, leftover,
curried cactus casserole.
My feelings: nausea.
Later days.