Thirtysomething (1987) s03e03 Episode Script
Mr. Right
1 [theme.]
This is it.
Thanks.
Sure, they said they'd be here at noon.
[phone rings.]
- Am I late? - No.
They didn't come, did they? I am not putting these back on hangers.
Actually, I did pack the hangers, though.
Okay, I'll get him for you.
Ethan, it's for you.
Okay, this is the guilt bag things I couldn't afford and never wore.
Hey, what? You're not giving this away, are you? Yes, I am.
Emily Birch gave it to her.
Now, it's Susie Burrows.
Be nice to her, okay? [Ethan.]
Yeah.
They're doing Cinderella as the class play.
He's the Prince.
Susie's Cinderella.
I don't know.
How am I suppose to know? Bye.
I'll be right there.
I love Cinderella.
We were very excited about getting the lead in this until we found out that the Prince had to kiss Cinderella.
Every time the Prince would start to leave before Cinderella tried the shoe on, my heart would seriously stop.
Then he'd see her and they'd live happily ever after and then you'd depressed because you could never be Cinderella because you were fat and she was skinny, which how it is in all fairy tales.
Oh, come on.
Anyone can be a princess.
Oh, yeah, name one fairy tale with a red head in it.
Name one fairy tale that ever came true.
I mean how long did you wait for your prince to come rescue you? What? You mean he's not coming? Did he call? Sophie, want to come meet my friend Melissa? - [cat meows.]
- She's still a little scared.
Meow.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's an adult cat, huh? Is that hissing? Yeah, she's still a little scared.
- [phone rings.]
- Let the machine pick that up.
But there's so many beautiful animals at the pound, Melissa.
There was this little kitty I almost got.
But then I saw Sophie, and we connected.
Right, Sophie? - [cat snarls.]
- Aah.
Maybe she's hungry.
[message beep.]
Hi, my name is Devon Marks.
Your Aunt Loraine gave me your number.
She thought maybe we should get together.
My number is 555-62 Aunt Loraine is dead meat.
Everyone in my family knows better.
Everyone in my life knows better.
But blind dates are so much fun and so stress free.
Yeah, always meet them at the restaurant.
It's much faster to say goodbye in the parking lot with the motor running.
It's bad enough that my family does it to me, but I even started getting things in the mail from you know, like, video dating places? I must be on some mailing list marked pitiful.
Yeah, I get them, too.
Yeah? I mean it's not like I think it's a totally weird thing to do.
Do you? Well, no.
It's just the idea of it.
I'll take one perfect man who's not hung up on his mother or ex-girlfriend to go, please.
- Sophie, dinner.
- [cat snarles.]
You know, I have a friend who met her husband video dating? And she's sort of like us, you know.
She's a really wonderful person.
And he's kind of almost cute.
They have a kid.
They're really happy.
Of course, the kid's hyperactive, but still.
Listen, that might be okay for some people, but I still have faith that I'm going to meet someone.
But, Melissa, if we're sitting here thinking about this, even though we're really not and never would But if we're sitting here thinking about this, there have to be some guys out there that are thinking the same thing.
Cute guys.
With nice arms? That, too.
We're not having this conversation.
No, you're right, we wouldn't I would never do it.
Unless you would do it.
We tell no one.
No.
No, no, no, no.
As long as you have an open mind about it.
Michael, the only men I meet who are willing to make a commitment are married.
I want to support you on this.
I really do.
Give me time.
[laughs.]
Thanks.
All right.
All right, it's not exactly romantic, but neither is praying for a decent movie on cable Saturday nights.
We can't be lucky enough to meet our perfect mate.
I mean, you're out there now, and it's "Hi, I'm Melissa Steadman.
I've been tested.
" That's what it's like in the real world, Michael.
I've been out there.
I know.
I could wait forever.
Or I could try something.
Like this.
Please don't tell anyone.
Even though I know you're going to tell everyone.
What did you put for number 3, "What I want in a meaningful relationship"? Oh, that's good.
Can I use that? - Please? - [knock at door.]
All right, thanks.
Okay, I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
[clock chimes.]
- Melissa? - Yeah.
- I'm Lee.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, you showed up on time.
You're supposed to call first to apologize for not showing up, then miss two more appointments before showing up an hour and a half late for your last chance to get the job.
You going to want me to paint this whole place? Yeah.
Well, just where I screwed up, actually.
Yeah, I tried to do it myself.
Yeah, I can see.
Listen, is there any hope here? Yeah, I'm going to have to remove most of this.
- Do you want the same color? - Yeah.
Oh.
Why? Oh, no, just Well, take a look.
See if there's anything you like.
Oh, okay.
Oh, you a musician? No, I'm a painter.
An artist? No, no, I just needed something to write on.
Oh.
Listen, I want to leave that wall white, but this wall over here, I could take a suggestion.
Well, you know, I don't like to impose my vision on people.
I mean, until I'm sure that they have no vision of their own.
The problem is that you work where you live, and I'd like to find a color that's going to let you get away from that.
Wow, you must get great light here in the morning.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah.
Listen, I was thinking of repainting the bathroom.
Can I show it to you? Yeah.
Oh, this should be easy.
Yeah, well, it's cracking above the shower.
Hey, I use that shampoo.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I've been using that for years.
Well, what's the damage? Oh, there's no damage.
You just used a bad paint.
No, I meant what's it going to cost me? Oh.
Um, a lot.
No.
You know what? I'll just go out to my truck - and write up an estimate.
- Okay.
All right.
So, we take your photos and profile and put them in a book that's alphabetized by first name only.
You look through the men's book and decide whose video you'd like to view.
Then, if you'd like to meet that person, we tell them.
He looks at your video, and, if the interest is mutual, we exchange your phone numbers and last names.
Oh, and anytime you come in, we'll give you a computer read-out of who'd like to meet you and who's responded to your requests.
Okay? Is that clear? [Man.]
Hi.
Hi.
[chuckles.]
Oh, is this on? Oh, no.
We'll just talk a little bit first, and then I'll turn the camera on, okay? Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Um, do On or off? Well On is better.
Off Off is better? - On is more professional.
- Either way.
Well, I could just throw it over my shoulder.
Now, look, I'm just going to ask you a few questions - and, you know, just relax.
- Oh, I'm relaxed.
And try to have fun with it.
I am.
I'm relaxed.
- Will you excuse me a minute? - Yeah.
Hi.
Why don't we start with who you are? - Who I am? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Just tell us your name.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm Melissa Steadman I'll tell you what, Melissa.
We don't need your last name.
- Oh, you don't.
- No.
Hey, Melissa Steadman? Were you in Mrs.
Byler's ninth grade math class? [Man laughs.]
- Yeah.
- How you doing? I'm Gerry Stimmer.
You know, Gerry with a G.
How are you doing? Fine.
I'm fine.
Uh, Ellyn? Hmm? Hi.
Wait.
Let me Hi.
I'm Melissa.
Now, Ellyn, is there anything you want to say to that special guy just waiting out there for you? Call me at 7? [giggles.]
Oh, you know, I want that out because I don't want to be funny, you know, 'cause then they expect you to be funny.
And if you're not I am funny.
Or I can be, but I wish they'd You know, I want them to find that out later, you know, when they know me.
Oh, my God, the camera's still on.
Oh, my God, look at the camera.
[Gerry.]
Sure.
It's all coming back to you now, isn't it? Why they used to call me Shecky? [Gerry laughs.]
Well, I think a relationship should bring out the best in you.
- I want to have fun.
- [Man.]
Good.
I want to shine like the sun.
I want to be the one that you want to see.
Uh, Ellyn? I want to knit you a sweater.
I want to write you a love letter.
- Ellyn? - I want to make you feel better.
I want to make you feel free - Thanks.
- All right.
Thank you.
Okay.
I'm ready.
[Gerry coughs.]
Now you're [laughing.]
very bright and perky.
Now, what are you looking for, Melissa, in a relationship? Oh, come on.
Look, look, look.
We all know this is ridiculous.
Isn't it? Um, I'm looking for something I can't find.
It's It's like the lottery.
You know you're not going to win, but you keep buying tickets.
Did Mark Twain say that? [Gerry laughs.]
I think this will Oh, why, he's kind of ugly.
This is too weird.
It's reality.
I know it's reality, but I think reality's overrated.
I got to get out of here.
I feel a serious pimple about to erupt.
Your hormones are showing.
I don't mean to be premature, but I promise I won't make the bridesmaids wear Empire.
He's a journalist.
That's too perfect.
Oh, this hurts.
He's politically active, but is he politically correct? Anti-apartheid Committee, Homeless Relief Fund There is a God.
I never doubted it.
There's got to be something wrong with him.
He can't be real.
Look at that smile.
What a smile.
Don't look.
He's mine.
Go for it, girl.
Tell him you want to meet him.
Oh, no, I can't do that.
Why? Well, I'll just I'll see if he finds me first.
I don't believe it.
He is perfect.
I mean, he seems perfect.
Do you think that's shallow, judging someone basically from their photo? Okay, I'm shallow.
I want him.
Come on, Ethan.
Now, you've got to learn these lines.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- I brought beer.
- Great.
Cold.
And this.
- You brought a loafer? - Yeah.
Commercial.
Beer.
Michael, is this yours? Not mine.
It's not God, I found it in my closet when I was getting stuff to bring over to Nancy's.
I can't imagine whose it is.
Somebody left it.
Elliot, is this yours? My feet are much bigger.
Come on.
Game.
Game.
So did you meet Mr.
Right yet? Yeah, well, I think.
Maybe.
I mean, he has to meet me now first.
- Michael has a big mouth.
- He does.
"Sire, you must return to the dance.
" "I must find her.
" I'm not kissing her.
"She left her slipper.
" I'm not kissing her.
Oh, come on.
All right, you want to forget about this and just practice the dance? You're kidding me, right? No.
I mean, you're not going to get any better if you don't practice.
I'll fake it.
Oh.
He refuses to learn how to waltz.
[both chuckle.]
What kind of bug is that? Dead.
So you're going to be the Prince? Do you know how important the Prince is? Everybody wishes they could be Cinderella so that they can marry the Prince.
I was in love with the Prince for so long until I saw Mark Lindsay with Paul Revere and the Raiders.
Who? Never mind.
Can I come see you in your play? Why does he have to dance with her? Oh, that's the best part.
I mean, when he picks her out of everyone else it's like your heart stops.
It's like he picked you.
I remember he kind of held his hand out to her, you know.
Sort of like Just like Like this.
Okay, I don't know how good I'm going to be at this.
All right, now, let's see.
Step on your left foot.
Right.
Take a little step.
Yeah.
Yeah, again on your right.
2, 2, 3.
Pretty good.
[humming.]
Like you're ice skating.
Yeah.
These are the gentlemen who've requested you view their videos.
Good luck, ladies.
Thanks.
Tennis fanatic who'll do anything for a game.
Stock cars are my passion.
I race them.
Hi, I'm a stock broker.
I was born and raised here.
And, well, I work a lot of hours so I'm feeling the need to eat something very bad for me.
I don't get this.
Not one of these guys is my type, not a single one.
God, I mean, they were nice and all, but Is this the kind of guy I attract? He chose you.
[Interviewer.]
William, what are a few key words that best describe what you're looking for in a woman? - Not me.
- Shh.
Um I guess I'm just looking to meet somebody who's not afraid to get involved.
I mean, I know that Well, I know that we've all been crushed at some point in our lives, but nobody wants to go through that again.
And I know that there are a lot of men out there who feel that the grass is always greener, but I'm not that way.
I believe that Well, I believe that commitment and loyalty are essential to any working relationship.
I guess I'm looking for a best friend.
Sophie, come on.
It's chow time.
[cat snarls.]
Oh, come on, Melissa.
I'm an E.
He probably hasn't even gotten around to the Ms yet.
I'm very happy for you.
Have a nice life.
Your kids will call me Aunt Melissa.
I'll come for Thanksgiving.
No, they won't because you're going to go over there, and you're going to tell him that you want him to see your video.
What if he rejects my video? Worse, what if I have to go out with him? I know.
Those first few minutes you just feel like xeroxing your bio and handing it over.
Love means never having to go on another date.
After William.
You know what? I'm going to redo my video.
I think I came off too serious in it.
Hope has this little red vest that I borrowed.
I'm going to ask her if I can borrow the skirt to go with it.
So you really think I should go for it? Absolutely.
Come on, Hope.
Be home.
Be home.
She doesn't know how good she has it.
Right, the picture-perfect couple.
- [phone ringing.]
- [belches.]
[Janey crying.]
You going to get that? No, just let it ring.
Honey, eat some [rock.]
Moonlight on the avenue God knows they got to you Empty glass, the lady sings Eyes swollen like a bee sting Blinded, you lost your way Through the side streets and the alleyway Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No.
You're kidding.
You got to go.
When the sun is setting, the mountains turn this incredible color.
It's so beautiful.
It's this color.
It's subtle.
I know, but with the light, it's going to be great.
I'm surprised, you know.
You're a photographer.
I would think Well, you got to go.
Want some coffee? No, thanks.
Look, if it's not a problem, I'm going to take off for about two hours.
Oh, it starts.
You'll never be back.
No, look, I'd really rather not go.
It's just this thing.
My brother is having my nephew christened.
I think that stuff is out there totally, but he's really into religion and stuff, so I really got to show.
It's no problem.
I mean, not like, you know, I'm putting it down or anything.
I know you're into religion with the menorah and your books and stuff.
It's a habit.
You get to know the people you work for.
You see what's behind the bookshelf.
I also know that you're into some pretty steep lingerie.
Steep? A colloquialism of your generation? Yes, and it will never be as embarrassing as "groovy.
" You know, I'm not 104.
I was 6 when "groovy" hit the big time.
All right.
I got to go.
I'll be back.
[Interviewer.]
So we're just going to try the whole thing over again.
Right, right.
So just relax.
Okay.
Now, Ellyn, I see here from your profile that you work quite a bit.
What do you like to do on your free time? Oh, well, I do work quite a bit, Dan, - but I've cut down recently.
- Oh.
I like to read.
I like to go to movies.
I like to run.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, good, okay.
What would you say If there was a few key words that might best describe who you are, what do you think they'd be? Hmm, hard question.
Hmm, me? I like to have a good time.
I like to dance till dawn and eat my breakfast before I go to sleep.
But you said who am I.
Who am I? Well, I'm the kind of person that wants to share her life with someone.
I wouldn't be here if I wasn't, right? Wouldn't it be nice if it could just happen? Seems like everyone you meet is potentially the one because you got to be a couple, you know.
It's become, like, a crime to be single.
You got to get out there and sell yourself.
It's this pressure, you know.
Hurry up.
All the good men are being taken.
You know, the worst part about being single isn't being alone.
It's the way other people perceive you.
I feel weird because I'm not in a relationship.
[sighs.]
I got a cat.
Did I tell you that? She likes the couch.
[Man.]
I'd like to return these.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
There's someone that I would I would like for someone to You want someone to view your video.
Great.
Yeah.
His name's William, and he's in that book right over there.
We'll just have to get his Okay.
[growling.]
[Elliot.]
Hey, I heard a rumor you pushed Susie Burrows.
She tried to kiss me.
It's in the play, Eth.
Hey, I know it sounds gross, but someday you're going to want to kiss girls.
- Huh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
- Dad.
- Son.
Don't tell your mom this, but you know what? I used to not want to kiss girls, and then I found out it was real easy.
I mean, I used to practice by kissing the back of my hand.
Even dinosaurs had to kiss.
Otherwise, there wouldn't have been new dinosaurs.
There aren't any new dinosaurs.
See, that's not the point, Eth.
See, the point here is that you got a responsibility to the play, so you got to kiss Susie Burrows.
- I don't have to.
- Yeah, you do.
You see, the Prince, if he doesn't kiss Cinderella, they can't live happily ever after.
And because if you don't, your dad won't allow you to watch music videos for a whole month.
You're going to thank me someday, Eth.
I didn't say that, but you're going to thank me.
Here are your proofs.
Oh, thanks for doing them so fast.
Listen, can I ask you something? Yeah.
I have to wear this tomorrow night.
Do you think it's too much of a statement? Uh, that depends on what kind of a statement you're trying to make.
[chuckles.]
It's heavy.
This isn't yours, is it? No.
You're going to fry in this, though.
It's supposed to be really hot tomorrow.
Oh, God, I hope it's not humid.
My hair will frizz.
I'll look like Bob Dylan in drag.
Hey.
Uh, Lee Owens, Gary Shepherd.
Lee's painting my place.
Hi.
Hey, I got the coffee.
Oh, yeah, let's just see.
Yeah, let's try it.
- He hates my coffee.
- She loves change.
You're going to like it.
I promise.
I'm going to get started.
Nice meeting you, man.
Righteous.
So I better I'm going to take off.
Okay.
Good luck.
Thanks.
I like this.
Yeah? You like photography? Have you seen anything of Alfred Stieglitz or Edward Weston? No, never heard of them.
Oh.
But you get people.
It's funny 'cause you seem like you keep to yourself, you know.
I like the way you look at people.
I'm making your coffee.
All right.
Well, I'm going to get started in the bathroom.
So where do I find the stuff that you'd be embarrassed for me to see.
Oh, funny.
All right.
Well, Gary seems like a nice guy.
How long were you guys together? What makes you think we were together? Oh, you know, there's that tension between two people.
Tension? What tension? There wasn't any tension.
Uh, okay.
There wasn't any tension.
What is not resolved, why we have all this heat and humidity for this time of year.
Let's go to Dave Roberts and the AccuWeather forecast.
You're right, James.
Certainly not the time of year to have that kind of a problem.
Your table's ready.
Oh, thanks.
Here you are.
Would it be possible to sit inside? Oh, but the reservation said outside.
Oh.
- Enjoy your meal.
- Okay.
Excuse me.
Melissa.
Right.
I'm William.
Hi, it's good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- Yeah.
I hope you don't mind sitting outside.
I can't stand air conditioning.
I don't mind at all.
Good.
I liked your video.
Yeah, you know, I really liked your video, too.
Thanks.
It's kind of funny.
It sounds like we both have albums out.
You know, because we both have videos.
[chuckles.]
Haven't you noticed that so many of the people you go out with are just totally different from their videos? Well, I just joined, so Oh, right, you're the photographer.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So what kind of photographs do you take? Oh, well, all different kinds.
Some ad stuff.
And I've done a few album covers.
- Album covers? - Yeah.
Really? For who? Well, the last one I did was Carly Simon.
- No kidding.
- Yeah.
I once met Mickey Dolenz at a rally I was covering for the homeless in Washington D.
C.
I think it was Mickey Dolenz.
Now, wait a minute, maybe it was Peter.
Peter, um You know, William, I think that what you do is really fascinating.
I mean, that you have the opportunity to expose things to so many people.
It's really incredible.
Yeah, well, I freelance mostly, you know.
Human interest stories, battered wives, whatever the sociological disease of the week is.
Keeps you in business.
Does Carly Simon really look like that in person because [spoon clanking.]
[no audible dialogue.]
[Woman laughing.]
[William.]
So what do you think? What? Well, can I order for you? The food here is great.
Oh, whatever you suggest.
[chatter.]
[clears throat.]
Hi, my name is Ellyn Warren.
I'm waiting for Dave somebody.
I don't know his last name.
Do you have any Daves? Is anyone sitting in here who looks like they're looking for someone? - No.
- Oh.
Okay.
Okay, well, could I just, you know - Certainly.
- Thank you.
Women still single over 30 Who are they? Where do they come from? What do their family and friends think about their condition? We'll find out how this startling new phenomenon has penetrated into our society because the new old maids are the focus of this edition of Geraldo.
Joining us now, our first guest, Ellyn Warren, suffers from this melancholy condition.
First of all, Ellyn, I want to congratulate you for having the courage to be here today.
Now, tell me about your life.
My life? Well, it's Well, I just started video dating.
So you are becoming desperate? No, I'm not desperate.
Tell me what your parents feel about your current condition.
Well, my parents are divorced.
Divorced.
So obviously your reluctance to get involved has something to do with their failure.
No, I just haven't found anyone I want to get involved with Joining us now, a couple who knows Ellyn quite well.
As you can see, they prefer to remain anonymous.
Tell me, did you ever think this could happen to someone you knew? We love Ellyn.
We're proud of her, no matter what.
If you're proud of her, why are you keeping your identities concealed? Aren't you embarrassed? It's not like we're embarrassed or anything.
It's just we have a kid, I have this job.
It's like, you know, who knows what people might think.
Ellyn, tell me, when you were growing up, isn't it a fact that you someday dreamed of being married? Well, yes, I did, of course, but I'm sorry.
I have to interrupt you now.
We must take a commercial Oh, but, wait a minute.
I just want to say something to those survivors out there.
Don't give up hope.
It's okay, girls.
- Women Still Single Over 30.
- Wait.
Wait.
The New Old Maids continues.
Stay with us.
Wait.
But [Man.]
Miss Warren.
Dave called to say he'd be about five minutes late.
His last name, as a matter of fact Could you please tell him that I couldn't stay, that I had some emergency? Just make something up.
Anything.
I got to get out of here.
Thanks for dinner.
The food was really great.
Yeah, that fish.
The fish was great, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, and the sauce.
Just everything.
Just the right level of spice.
Yeah.
You know, Melissa, I'm not one of those guys with a lot of smooth moves and great lines.
I just know how to be honest, and to tell you the truth, I'd really like to see you again.
You are so real.
That's kind of hard to find these days.
So could I call you? Yes.
I can't believe you got me to do this.
You're bad.
You've got to call this guy and apologize.
I know.
I will.
I will.
You going to go out with him? Why is it so important to everybody that I'm seeing someone? I think it's because people care and they want you to be happy.
Oh, and I can't be happy unless I'm with some guy? What is it? Nothing.
Just stop feeling sorry for me, Hope, okay? I'm alone, but it's okay.
It really is okay right now.
Nobody's judging you.
People bump into you on the street, the first thing they say to you is, "Are you in love? Are you seeing someone?" No one asks me about my job or my cat.
So how's your cat? Terrible.
She hates me.
Another failed relationship.
It's not my fault.
- Nobody said it was.
- Oh, come on, Hope.
I know you and Michael think that I'm not in a relationship because of something I'm doing.
You know, I hate when you assume what I think.
I have a pretty good idea of what it's like out there.
If I hadn't met Michael, I don't think I'd be seeing anybody right now.
Yeah, it's like no one gets it, you know.
God forbid I'd want to be alone.
You know, I lie sometimes when people ask me if I have any plans for the evening.
I do because if I tell them that I just want to hang out at home, there'll be this long silence and then they'll say, "Oh.
Oh, well, why don't you join us?" Because I don't want to.
I want to be alone.
Well, bitch them out, girl.
Come on.
Come here.
Sorry.
Let's pretend that you have Mad Libs, and I just bought Kotex pretending I'm not the last one to get my period.
I am not making any funny faces.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
[Hope.]
You are so silly.
[both laughing.]
[chatter.]
Honey, I'm home.
What a day, but don't ask.
All right, I won't ask.
Well, that's the thanks I get.
Well, did you get the job? I got the job.
Oh.
Well, you should celebrate.
I should celebrate.
I'll take any excuse to have a good time.
So I got two tickets to Lyle Lovett tonight.
You like Lyle Lovett? Yeah, so do you.
I saw your CD.
What? Are you surprised that I actually appreciate music that doesn't have a name like Scream Blast or Drug Sluts? Are you surprised that I asked you out? Lee, I'm very flattered, you know.
That's never a good start.
Well, is it the age thing? Because we could just tell people you're my mommy.
[chuckles.]
Lee, look That's okay.
I can take a no.
There goes your discount.
It's just that there's this guy Uh, William Aaron? Yeah, he left three messages on the machine.
"Hello, this is William Aaron.
I have to be honest, I had a good time.
" Party guy.
You know, I really don't appreciate that.
I mean, this guy happens to be Well, he's important to me.
Right.
You know, you are completely off base here.
You don't know anything about him or me, so don't try to assume anything.
Come on, Melissa.
If you were hot for this guy, the minute you walked in the door, you would've gone straight for the phone machine.
You still haven't checked the messages.
I was going to.
- Then check them.
- I will.
When will you be done here? Tomorrow.
Completely? Tomorrow.
I have some place I have to be.
Your Royal Highness, maybe the slipper will fit one of my daughters.
Well, where are they? I did say every maiden in the land.
[chuckles.]
Too small.
Still too small.
Come, young maiden.
Would you like to try on the slipper? Don't bother with her.
Just right.
Will you marry me? Yes.
[applause.]
[cat snarls.]
You know, Sophie's really starting to interact with people.
So, what was he like? - He's smart.
- Good.
He's read all seven volumes of Proust.
His pants crease correctly.
And, oh, he's into honesty.
Wow, now for the really important part Did he kiss you? Mm-hmm.
- How does he kiss? - Well-rehearsed.
Don't overreact.
Oh, did I forget to mention that he didn't forget to mention that he wants kids and is looking to make a commitment? Never see him again.
Melissa, what is wrong? I don't know.
I mean, I want all the nauseating stuff I wrote in my profile.
I want to be in love.
I want to make babies together.
I want to take family vacations and fight in the car the whole way.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just don't think that you can go through life with a checklist, you know.
If you try to make everything fit into a plan, you know what you get.
William.
Maybe.
But if you try to force things to go the way you think that they should, you never know what else there is.
I guess that's true.
Is it? I don't know.
Maybe not.
Wow, I got to go.
Yeah, okay.
Um, you got plans for Saturday night? No.
Want to see what's on cable? - Sure.
- Okay.
I'll make pasta.
Great, I'll bring the garlic.
Oh, good.
Bye.
[classical.]
[cat snarls.]
[Man.]
I'm not that way.
I believe that Well, I believe that commitment and loyalty are essential to any working relationship.
I guess I'm looking for a best friend.
Hi.
I'm done.
Just packing up.
Well, let me write you a check.
Is this yours? You're the only one who could've left it.
No, I hate loafers.
They're like old man shoes.
Hmm, if you find the other one, I'll take them.
I could always use them to paint in.
Then I wouldn't have to ruin my tennis shoes.
The place looks great.
How was Lyle Lovett? Well, you missed a great concert.
Yeah? I'm sorry I did.
Are you? Yeah.
So what happened to William Aaron? What is he? A lawyer? - Journalist.
- Impressive.
Not really.
Oh? You missed a spot.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Look, Melissa.
I'm driving up to the Cape this weekend, and I could use some company.
Well, I'm not looking to be just company.
Hey, this wasn't a casual invitation.
I think it would be a big mistake.
Yeah? Then it should be great.
Sometimes things just happen.
What? You want me to say I'm not seeing anyone else? No.
I'm not seeing anyone.
Hey, it's none of my business.
I could be.
Are you scared? Yeah.
Me, too.
So don't worry.
[clock chimes.]
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA And dance by the light of the moon
This is it.
Thanks.
Sure, they said they'd be here at noon.
[phone rings.]
- Am I late? - No.
They didn't come, did they? I am not putting these back on hangers.
Actually, I did pack the hangers, though.
Okay, I'll get him for you.
Ethan, it's for you.
Okay, this is the guilt bag things I couldn't afford and never wore.
Hey, what? You're not giving this away, are you? Yes, I am.
Emily Birch gave it to her.
Now, it's Susie Burrows.
Be nice to her, okay? [Ethan.]
Yeah.
They're doing Cinderella as the class play.
He's the Prince.
Susie's Cinderella.
I don't know.
How am I suppose to know? Bye.
I'll be right there.
I love Cinderella.
We were very excited about getting the lead in this until we found out that the Prince had to kiss Cinderella.
Every time the Prince would start to leave before Cinderella tried the shoe on, my heart would seriously stop.
Then he'd see her and they'd live happily ever after and then you'd depressed because you could never be Cinderella because you were fat and she was skinny, which how it is in all fairy tales.
Oh, come on.
Anyone can be a princess.
Oh, yeah, name one fairy tale with a red head in it.
Name one fairy tale that ever came true.
I mean how long did you wait for your prince to come rescue you? What? You mean he's not coming? Did he call? Sophie, want to come meet my friend Melissa? - [cat meows.]
- She's still a little scared.
Meow.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's an adult cat, huh? Is that hissing? Yeah, she's still a little scared.
- [phone rings.]
- Let the machine pick that up.
But there's so many beautiful animals at the pound, Melissa.
There was this little kitty I almost got.
But then I saw Sophie, and we connected.
Right, Sophie? - [cat snarls.]
- Aah.
Maybe she's hungry.
[message beep.]
Hi, my name is Devon Marks.
Your Aunt Loraine gave me your number.
She thought maybe we should get together.
My number is 555-62 Aunt Loraine is dead meat.
Everyone in my family knows better.
Everyone in my life knows better.
But blind dates are so much fun and so stress free.
Yeah, always meet them at the restaurant.
It's much faster to say goodbye in the parking lot with the motor running.
It's bad enough that my family does it to me, but I even started getting things in the mail from you know, like, video dating places? I must be on some mailing list marked pitiful.
Yeah, I get them, too.
Yeah? I mean it's not like I think it's a totally weird thing to do.
Do you? Well, no.
It's just the idea of it.
I'll take one perfect man who's not hung up on his mother or ex-girlfriend to go, please.
- Sophie, dinner.
- [cat snarles.]
You know, I have a friend who met her husband video dating? And she's sort of like us, you know.
She's a really wonderful person.
And he's kind of almost cute.
They have a kid.
They're really happy.
Of course, the kid's hyperactive, but still.
Listen, that might be okay for some people, but I still have faith that I'm going to meet someone.
But, Melissa, if we're sitting here thinking about this, even though we're really not and never would But if we're sitting here thinking about this, there have to be some guys out there that are thinking the same thing.
Cute guys.
With nice arms? That, too.
We're not having this conversation.
No, you're right, we wouldn't I would never do it.
Unless you would do it.
We tell no one.
No.
No, no, no, no.
As long as you have an open mind about it.
Michael, the only men I meet who are willing to make a commitment are married.
I want to support you on this.
I really do.
Give me time.
[laughs.]
Thanks.
All right.
All right, it's not exactly romantic, but neither is praying for a decent movie on cable Saturday nights.
We can't be lucky enough to meet our perfect mate.
I mean, you're out there now, and it's "Hi, I'm Melissa Steadman.
I've been tested.
" That's what it's like in the real world, Michael.
I've been out there.
I know.
I could wait forever.
Or I could try something.
Like this.
Please don't tell anyone.
Even though I know you're going to tell everyone.
What did you put for number 3, "What I want in a meaningful relationship"? Oh, that's good.
Can I use that? - Please? - [knock at door.]
All right, thanks.
Okay, I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
[clock chimes.]
- Melissa? - Yeah.
- I'm Lee.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, you showed up on time.
You're supposed to call first to apologize for not showing up, then miss two more appointments before showing up an hour and a half late for your last chance to get the job.
You going to want me to paint this whole place? Yeah.
Well, just where I screwed up, actually.
Yeah, I tried to do it myself.
Yeah, I can see.
Listen, is there any hope here? Yeah, I'm going to have to remove most of this.
- Do you want the same color? - Yeah.
Oh.
Why? Oh, no, just Well, take a look.
See if there's anything you like.
Oh, okay.
Oh, you a musician? No, I'm a painter.
An artist? No, no, I just needed something to write on.
Oh.
Listen, I want to leave that wall white, but this wall over here, I could take a suggestion.
Well, you know, I don't like to impose my vision on people.
I mean, until I'm sure that they have no vision of their own.
The problem is that you work where you live, and I'd like to find a color that's going to let you get away from that.
Wow, you must get great light here in the morning.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah.
Listen, I was thinking of repainting the bathroom.
Can I show it to you? Yeah.
Oh, this should be easy.
Yeah, well, it's cracking above the shower.
Hey, I use that shampoo.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I've been using that for years.
Well, what's the damage? Oh, there's no damage.
You just used a bad paint.
No, I meant what's it going to cost me? Oh.
Um, a lot.
No.
You know what? I'll just go out to my truck - and write up an estimate.
- Okay.
All right.
So, we take your photos and profile and put them in a book that's alphabetized by first name only.
You look through the men's book and decide whose video you'd like to view.
Then, if you'd like to meet that person, we tell them.
He looks at your video, and, if the interest is mutual, we exchange your phone numbers and last names.
Oh, and anytime you come in, we'll give you a computer read-out of who'd like to meet you and who's responded to your requests.
Okay? Is that clear? [Man.]
Hi.
Hi.
[chuckles.]
Oh, is this on? Oh, no.
We'll just talk a little bit first, and then I'll turn the camera on, okay? Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Um, do On or off? Well On is better.
Off Off is better? - On is more professional.
- Either way.
Well, I could just throw it over my shoulder.
Now, look, I'm just going to ask you a few questions - and, you know, just relax.
- Oh, I'm relaxed.
And try to have fun with it.
I am.
I'm relaxed.
- Will you excuse me a minute? - Yeah.
Hi.
Why don't we start with who you are? - Who I am? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Just tell us your name.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm Melissa Steadman I'll tell you what, Melissa.
We don't need your last name.
- Oh, you don't.
- No.
Hey, Melissa Steadman? Were you in Mrs.
Byler's ninth grade math class? [Man laughs.]
- Yeah.
- How you doing? I'm Gerry Stimmer.
You know, Gerry with a G.
How are you doing? Fine.
I'm fine.
Uh, Ellyn? Hmm? Hi.
Wait.
Let me Hi.
I'm Melissa.
Now, Ellyn, is there anything you want to say to that special guy just waiting out there for you? Call me at 7? [giggles.]
Oh, you know, I want that out because I don't want to be funny, you know, 'cause then they expect you to be funny.
And if you're not I am funny.
Or I can be, but I wish they'd You know, I want them to find that out later, you know, when they know me.
Oh, my God, the camera's still on.
Oh, my God, look at the camera.
[Gerry.]
Sure.
It's all coming back to you now, isn't it? Why they used to call me Shecky? [Gerry laughs.]
Well, I think a relationship should bring out the best in you.
- I want to have fun.
- [Man.]
Good.
I want to shine like the sun.
I want to be the one that you want to see.
Uh, Ellyn? I want to knit you a sweater.
I want to write you a love letter.
- Ellyn? - I want to make you feel better.
I want to make you feel free - Thanks.
- All right.
Thank you.
Okay.
I'm ready.
[Gerry coughs.]
Now you're [laughing.]
very bright and perky.
Now, what are you looking for, Melissa, in a relationship? Oh, come on.
Look, look, look.
We all know this is ridiculous.
Isn't it? Um, I'm looking for something I can't find.
It's It's like the lottery.
You know you're not going to win, but you keep buying tickets.
Did Mark Twain say that? [Gerry laughs.]
I think this will Oh, why, he's kind of ugly.
This is too weird.
It's reality.
I know it's reality, but I think reality's overrated.
I got to get out of here.
I feel a serious pimple about to erupt.
Your hormones are showing.
I don't mean to be premature, but I promise I won't make the bridesmaids wear Empire.
He's a journalist.
That's too perfect.
Oh, this hurts.
He's politically active, but is he politically correct? Anti-apartheid Committee, Homeless Relief Fund There is a God.
I never doubted it.
There's got to be something wrong with him.
He can't be real.
Look at that smile.
What a smile.
Don't look.
He's mine.
Go for it, girl.
Tell him you want to meet him.
Oh, no, I can't do that.
Why? Well, I'll just I'll see if he finds me first.
I don't believe it.
He is perfect.
I mean, he seems perfect.
Do you think that's shallow, judging someone basically from their photo? Okay, I'm shallow.
I want him.
Come on, Ethan.
Now, you've got to learn these lines.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- I brought beer.
- Great.
Cold.
And this.
- You brought a loafer? - Yeah.
Commercial.
Beer.
Michael, is this yours? Not mine.
It's not God, I found it in my closet when I was getting stuff to bring over to Nancy's.
I can't imagine whose it is.
Somebody left it.
Elliot, is this yours? My feet are much bigger.
Come on.
Game.
Game.
So did you meet Mr.
Right yet? Yeah, well, I think.
Maybe.
I mean, he has to meet me now first.
- Michael has a big mouth.
- He does.
"Sire, you must return to the dance.
" "I must find her.
" I'm not kissing her.
"She left her slipper.
" I'm not kissing her.
Oh, come on.
All right, you want to forget about this and just practice the dance? You're kidding me, right? No.
I mean, you're not going to get any better if you don't practice.
I'll fake it.
Oh.
He refuses to learn how to waltz.
[both chuckle.]
What kind of bug is that? Dead.
So you're going to be the Prince? Do you know how important the Prince is? Everybody wishes they could be Cinderella so that they can marry the Prince.
I was in love with the Prince for so long until I saw Mark Lindsay with Paul Revere and the Raiders.
Who? Never mind.
Can I come see you in your play? Why does he have to dance with her? Oh, that's the best part.
I mean, when he picks her out of everyone else it's like your heart stops.
It's like he picked you.
I remember he kind of held his hand out to her, you know.
Sort of like Just like Like this.
Okay, I don't know how good I'm going to be at this.
All right, now, let's see.
Step on your left foot.
Right.
Take a little step.
Yeah.
Yeah, again on your right.
2, 2, 3.
Pretty good.
[humming.]
Like you're ice skating.
Yeah.
These are the gentlemen who've requested you view their videos.
Good luck, ladies.
Thanks.
Tennis fanatic who'll do anything for a game.
Stock cars are my passion.
I race them.
Hi, I'm a stock broker.
I was born and raised here.
And, well, I work a lot of hours so I'm feeling the need to eat something very bad for me.
I don't get this.
Not one of these guys is my type, not a single one.
God, I mean, they were nice and all, but Is this the kind of guy I attract? He chose you.
[Interviewer.]
William, what are a few key words that best describe what you're looking for in a woman? - Not me.
- Shh.
Um I guess I'm just looking to meet somebody who's not afraid to get involved.
I mean, I know that Well, I know that we've all been crushed at some point in our lives, but nobody wants to go through that again.
And I know that there are a lot of men out there who feel that the grass is always greener, but I'm not that way.
I believe that Well, I believe that commitment and loyalty are essential to any working relationship.
I guess I'm looking for a best friend.
Sophie, come on.
It's chow time.
[cat snarls.]
Oh, come on, Melissa.
I'm an E.
He probably hasn't even gotten around to the Ms yet.
I'm very happy for you.
Have a nice life.
Your kids will call me Aunt Melissa.
I'll come for Thanksgiving.
No, they won't because you're going to go over there, and you're going to tell him that you want him to see your video.
What if he rejects my video? Worse, what if I have to go out with him? I know.
Those first few minutes you just feel like xeroxing your bio and handing it over.
Love means never having to go on another date.
After William.
You know what? I'm going to redo my video.
I think I came off too serious in it.
Hope has this little red vest that I borrowed.
I'm going to ask her if I can borrow the skirt to go with it.
So you really think I should go for it? Absolutely.
Come on, Hope.
Be home.
Be home.
She doesn't know how good she has it.
Right, the picture-perfect couple.
- [phone ringing.]
- [belches.]
[Janey crying.]
You going to get that? No, just let it ring.
Honey, eat some [rock.]
Moonlight on the avenue God knows they got to you Empty glass, the lady sings Eyes swollen like a bee sting Blinded, you lost your way Through the side streets and the alleyway Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No.
You're kidding.
You got to go.
When the sun is setting, the mountains turn this incredible color.
It's so beautiful.
It's this color.
It's subtle.
I know, but with the light, it's going to be great.
I'm surprised, you know.
You're a photographer.
I would think Well, you got to go.
Want some coffee? No, thanks.
Look, if it's not a problem, I'm going to take off for about two hours.
Oh, it starts.
You'll never be back.
No, look, I'd really rather not go.
It's just this thing.
My brother is having my nephew christened.
I think that stuff is out there totally, but he's really into religion and stuff, so I really got to show.
It's no problem.
I mean, not like, you know, I'm putting it down or anything.
I know you're into religion with the menorah and your books and stuff.
It's a habit.
You get to know the people you work for.
You see what's behind the bookshelf.
I also know that you're into some pretty steep lingerie.
Steep? A colloquialism of your generation? Yes, and it will never be as embarrassing as "groovy.
" You know, I'm not 104.
I was 6 when "groovy" hit the big time.
All right.
I got to go.
I'll be back.
[Interviewer.]
So we're just going to try the whole thing over again.
Right, right.
So just relax.
Okay.
Now, Ellyn, I see here from your profile that you work quite a bit.
What do you like to do on your free time? Oh, well, I do work quite a bit, Dan, - but I've cut down recently.
- Oh.
I like to read.
I like to go to movies.
I like to run.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, good, okay.
What would you say If there was a few key words that might best describe who you are, what do you think they'd be? Hmm, hard question.
Hmm, me? I like to have a good time.
I like to dance till dawn and eat my breakfast before I go to sleep.
But you said who am I.
Who am I? Well, I'm the kind of person that wants to share her life with someone.
I wouldn't be here if I wasn't, right? Wouldn't it be nice if it could just happen? Seems like everyone you meet is potentially the one because you got to be a couple, you know.
It's become, like, a crime to be single.
You got to get out there and sell yourself.
It's this pressure, you know.
Hurry up.
All the good men are being taken.
You know, the worst part about being single isn't being alone.
It's the way other people perceive you.
I feel weird because I'm not in a relationship.
[sighs.]
I got a cat.
Did I tell you that? She likes the couch.
[Man.]
I'd like to return these.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
There's someone that I would I would like for someone to You want someone to view your video.
Great.
Yeah.
His name's William, and he's in that book right over there.
We'll just have to get his Okay.
[growling.]
[Elliot.]
Hey, I heard a rumor you pushed Susie Burrows.
She tried to kiss me.
It's in the play, Eth.
Hey, I know it sounds gross, but someday you're going to want to kiss girls.
- Huh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
- Dad.
- Son.
Don't tell your mom this, but you know what? I used to not want to kiss girls, and then I found out it was real easy.
I mean, I used to practice by kissing the back of my hand.
Even dinosaurs had to kiss.
Otherwise, there wouldn't have been new dinosaurs.
There aren't any new dinosaurs.
See, that's not the point, Eth.
See, the point here is that you got a responsibility to the play, so you got to kiss Susie Burrows.
- I don't have to.
- Yeah, you do.
You see, the Prince, if he doesn't kiss Cinderella, they can't live happily ever after.
And because if you don't, your dad won't allow you to watch music videos for a whole month.
You're going to thank me someday, Eth.
I didn't say that, but you're going to thank me.
Here are your proofs.
Oh, thanks for doing them so fast.
Listen, can I ask you something? Yeah.
I have to wear this tomorrow night.
Do you think it's too much of a statement? Uh, that depends on what kind of a statement you're trying to make.
[chuckles.]
It's heavy.
This isn't yours, is it? No.
You're going to fry in this, though.
It's supposed to be really hot tomorrow.
Oh, God, I hope it's not humid.
My hair will frizz.
I'll look like Bob Dylan in drag.
Hey.
Uh, Lee Owens, Gary Shepherd.
Lee's painting my place.
Hi.
Hey, I got the coffee.
Oh, yeah, let's just see.
Yeah, let's try it.
- He hates my coffee.
- She loves change.
You're going to like it.
I promise.
I'm going to get started.
Nice meeting you, man.
Righteous.
So I better I'm going to take off.
Okay.
Good luck.
Thanks.
I like this.
Yeah? You like photography? Have you seen anything of Alfred Stieglitz or Edward Weston? No, never heard of them.
Oh.
But you get people.
It's funny 'cause you seem like you keep to yourself, you know.
I like the way you look at people.
I'm making your coffee.
All right.
Well, I'm going to get started in the bathroom.
So where do I find the stuff that you'd be embarrassed for me to see.
Oh, funny.
All right.
Well, Gary seems like a nice guy.
How long were you guys together? What makes you think we were together? Oh, you know, there's that tension between two people.
Tension? What tension? There wasn't any tension.
Uh, okay.
There wasn't any tension.
What is not resolved, why we have all this heat and humidity for this time of year.
Let's go to Dave Roberts and the AccuWeather forecast.
You're right, James.
Certainly not the time of year to have that kind of a problem.
Your table's ready.
Oh, thanks.
Here you are.
Would it be possible to sit inside? Oh, but the reservation said outside.
Oh.
- Enjoy your meal.
- Okay.
Excuse me.
Melissa.
Right.
I'm William.
Hi, it's good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- Yeah.
I hope you don't mind sitting outside.
I can't stand air conditioning.
I don't mind at all.
Good.
I liked your video.
Yeah, you know, I really liked your video, too.
Thanks.
It's kind of funny.
It sounds like we both have albums out.
You know, because we both have videos.
[chuckles.]
Haven't you noticed that so many of the people you go out with are just totally different from their videos? Well, I just joined, so Oh, right, you're the photographer.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So what kind of photographs do you take? Oh, well, all different kinds.
Some ad stuff.
And I've done a few album covers.
- Album covers? - Yeah.
Really? For who? Well, the last one I did was Carly Simon.
- No kidding.
- Yeah.
I once met Mickey Dolenz at a rally I was covering for the homeless in Washington D.
C.
I think it was Mickey Dolenz.
Now, wait a minute, maybe it was Peter.
Peter, um You know, William, I think that what you do is really fascinating.
I mean, that you have the opportunity to expose things to so many people.
It's really incredible.
Yeah, well, I freelance mostly, you know.
Human interest stories, battered wives, whatever the sociological disease of the week is.
Keeps you in business.
Does Carly Simon really look like that in person because [spoon clanking.]
[no audible dialogue.]
[Woman laughing.]
[William.]
So what do you think? What? Well, can I order for you? The food here is great.
Oh, whatever you suggest.
[chatter.]
[clears throat.]
Hi, my name is Ellyn Warren.
I'm waiting for Dave somebody.
I don't know his last name.
Do you have any Daves? Is anyone sitting in here who looks like they're looking for someone? - No.
- Oh.
Okay.
Okay, well, could I just, you know - Certainly.
- Thank you.
Women still single over 30 Who are they? Where do they come from? What do their family and friends think about their condition? We'll find out how this startling new phenomenon has penetrated into our society because the new old maids are the focus of this edition of Geraldo.
Joining us now, our first guest, Ellyn Warren, suffers from this melancholy condition.
First of all, Ellyn, I want to congratulate you for having the courage to be here today.
Now, tell me about your life.
My life? Well, it's Well, I just started video dating.
So you are becoming desperate? No, I'm not desperate.
Tell me what your parents feel about your current condition.
Well, my parents are divorced.
Divorced.
So obviously your reluctance to get involved has something to do with their failure.
No, I just haven't found anyone I want to get involved with Joining us now, a couple who knows Ellyn quite well.
As you can see, they prefer to remain anonymous.
Tell me, did you ever think this could happen to someone you knew? We love Ellyn.
We're proud of her, no matter what.
If you're proud of her, why are you keeping your identities concealed? Aren't you embarrassed? It's not like we're embarrassed or anything.
It's just we have a kid, I have this job.
It's like, you know, who knows what people might think.
Ellyn, tell me, when you were growing up, isn't it a fact that you someday dreamed of being married? Well, yes, I did, of course, but I'm sorry.
I have to interrupt you now.
We must take a commercial Oh, but, wait a minute.
I just want to say something to those survivors out there.
Don't give up hope.
It's okay, girls.
- Women Still Single Over 30.
- Wait.
Wait.
The New Old Maids continues.
Stay with us.
Wait.
But [Man.]
Miss Warren.
Dave called to say he'd be about five minutes late.
His last name, as a matter of fact Could you please tell him that I couldn't stay, that I had some emergency? Just make something up.
Anything.
I got to get out of here.
Thanks for dinner.
The food was really great.
Yeah, that fish.
The fish was great, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, and the sauce.
Just everything.
Just the right level of spice.
Yeah.
You know, Melissa, I'm not one of those guys with a lot of smooth moves and great lines.
I just know how to be honest, and to tell you the truth, I'd really like to see you again.
You are so real.
That's kind of hard to find these days.
So could I call you? Yes.
I can't believe you got me to do this.
You're bad.
You've got to call this guy and apologize.
I know.
I will.
I will.
You going to go out with him? Why is it so important to everybody that I'm seeing someone? I think it's because people care and they want you to be happy.
Oh, and I can't be happy unless I'm with some guy? What is it? Nothing.
Just stop feeling sorry for me, Hope, okay? I'm alone, but it's okay.
It really is okay right now.
Nobody's judging you.
People bump into you on the street, the first thing they say to you is, "Are you in love? Are you seeing someone?" No one asks me about my job or my cat.
So how's your cat? Terrible.
She hates me.
Another failed relationship.
It's not my fault.
- Nobody said it was.
- Oh, come on, Hope.
I know you and Michael think that I'm not in a relationship because of something I'm doing.
You know, I hate when you assume what I think.
I have a pretty good idea of what it's like out there.
If I hadn't met Michael, I don't think I'd be seeing anybody right now.
Yeah, it's like no one gets it, you know.
God forbid I'd want to be alone.
You know, I lie sometimes when people ask me if I have any plans for the evening.
I do because if I tell them that I just want to hang out at home, there'll be this long silence and then they'll say, "Oh.
Oh, well, why don't you join us?" Because I don't want to.
I want to be alone.
Well, bitch them out, girl.
Come on.
Come here.
Sorry.
Let's pretend that you have Mad Libs, and I just bought Kotex pretending I'm not the last one to get my period.
I am not making any funny faces.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
[Hope.]
You are so silly.
[both laughing.]
[chatter.]
Honey, I'm home.
What a day, but don't ask.
All right, I won't ask.
Well, that's the thanks I get.
Well, did you get the job? I got the job.
Oh.
Well, you should celebrate.
I should celebrate.
I'll take any excuse to have a good time.
So I got two tickets to Lyle Lovett tonight.
You like Lyle Lovett? Yeah, so do you.
I saw your CD.
What? Are you surprised that I actually appreciate music that doesn't have a name like Scream Blast or Drug Sluts? Are you surprised that I asked you out? Lee, I'm very flattered, you know.
That's never a good start.
Well, is it the age thing? Because we could just tell people you're my mommy.
[chuckles.]
Lee, look That's okay.
I can take a no.
There goes your discount.
It's just that there's this guy Uh, William Aaron? Yeah, he left three messages on the machine.
"Hello, this is William Aaron.
I have to be honest, I had a good time.
" Party guy.
You know, I really don't appreciate that.
I mean, this guy happens to be Well, he's important to me.
Right.
You know, you are completely off base here.
You don't know anything about him or me, so don't try to assume anything.
Come on, Melissa.
If you were hot for this guy, the minute you walked in the door, you would've gone straight for the phone machine.
You still haven't checked the messages.
I was going to.
- Then check them.
- I will.
When will you be done here? Tomorrow.
Completely? Tomorrow.
I have some place I have to be.
Your Royal Highness, maybe the slipper will fit one of my daughters.
Well, where are they? I did say every maiden in the land.
[chuckles.]
Too small.
Still too small.
Come, young maiden.
Would you like to try on the slipper? Don't bother with her.
Just right.
Will you marry me? Yes.
[applause.]
[cat snarls.]
You know, Sophie's really starting to interact with people.
So, what was he like? - He's smart.
- Good.
He's read all seven volumes of Proust.
His pants crease correctly.
And, oh, he's into honesty.
Wow, now for the really important part Did he kiss you? Mm-hmm.
- How does he kiss? - Well-rehearsed.
Don't overreact.
Oh, did I forget to mention that he didn't forget to mention that he wants kids and is looking to make a commitment? Never see him again.
Melissa, what is wrong? I don't know.
I mean, I want all the nauseating stuff I wrote in my profile.
I want to be in love.
I want to make babies together.
I want to take family vacations and fight in the car the whole way.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just don't think that you can go through life with a checklist, you know.
If you try to make everything fit into a plan, you know what you get.
William.
Maybe.
But if you try to force things to go the way you think that they should, you never know what else there is.
I guess that's true.
Is it? I don't know.
Maybe not.
Wow, I got to go.
Yeah, okay.
Um, you got plans for Saturday night? No.
Want to see what's on cable? - Sure.
- Okay.
I'll make pasta.
Great, I'll bring the garlic.
Oh, good.
Bye.
[classical.]
[cat snarls.]
[Man.]
I'm not that way.
I believe that Well, I believe that commitment and loyalty are essential to any working relationship.
I guess I'm looking for a best friend.
Hi.
I'm done.
Just packing up.
Well, let me write you a check.
Is this yours? You're the only one who could've left it.
No, I hate loafers.
They're like old man shoes.
Hmm, if you find the other one, I'll take them.
I could always use them to paint in.
Then I wouldn't have to ruin my tennis shoes.
The place looks great.
How was Lyle Lovett? Well, you missed a great concert.
Yeah? I'm sorry I did.
Are you? Yeah.
So what happened to William Aaron? What is he? A lawyer? - Journalist.
- Impressive.
Not really.
Oh? You missed a spot.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Look, Melissa.
I'm driving up to the Cape this weekend, and I could use some company.
Well, I'm not looking to be just company.
Hey, this wasn't a casual invitation.
I think it would be a big mistake.
Yeah? Then it should be great.
Sometimes things just happen.
What? You want me to say I'm not seeing anyone else? No.
I'm not seeing anyone.
Hey, it's none of my business.
I could be.
Are you scared? Yeah.
Me, too.
So don't worry.
[clock chimes.]
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA And dance by the light of the moon