Travel Man (2015) s03e03 Episode Script
48 Hours in Dubai
1 Mini-breaks are 50 shades of cray-cray.
How can anyone be expected to go somewhere new and enjoy themselves without at least a decade to decompress? There's no idea where to go, what to do, or how to eat, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge up.
But let not tears bespoil your cheeks, for I, Richard "Showbiz" Ayoade am about to apply a damp compress of cheer to your beleaguered brow.
Contractually tethered to a TV face to comprise some kind of deathly, ad hoc double act, I'm going to savagely shoulder you through a maxi mini-break.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a 48 hour Emirati excursion in downtown Dubai.
14 million tourists a year bear down on this opulent oasis, flinging coin around like they were in some kind of coin flinging competition.
And helping me in this abject affront to austerity is actor, comedian and institution Johnny Vegas.
You get a really weird buzz in your testicles.
Sure.
Together we will skid around on sand This entire sequence could have been handled by my stunt double! Sightsee like wind-borne chaff, This beats the city bus tour, doesn't it? And blow a bundle on ice.
It's like I've licked the exhaust off a Capri.
That is not the review they are looking for(!) I'm sorry! We're here - but should we have come? The only humane way to get to Dubai is a seven hour flight, calling into question the foundational notion of what constitutes a mini-break.
You all right back there? Yeah.
You bagsied shotgun? Yeah.
You know I suffer from motion sickness.
I'm coming over all Schwarzenegger.
Wow(!) Not for the first time.
So, with me, publicly acknowledged skinflint, raised on Butlins and cheap camping holidays Well, this is like a fancy version of that.
Why Dubai? Why the millionaire's playground? Well, I'll tell you why.
Dubai is one of seven states that make up the United Arab Emirates, a relatively new country created the same year as the year in which 1971 took place.
A tiny fishing village until the '60s, Dubai exploded out of the desert into a high-rise landscape of shiny megastructures, thanks to the discovery of oil, the fuel that brings only joy.
Things in Dubai are, in a very real sense, well massive.
So well massive that the Guinness Book of World Records has a Dubai outpost to cope with the influx.
World's tallest building.
They got that.
Largest shopping centre.
They got that.
Most sand moved with a teaspoon in 30 seconds.
They've done that.
And largest gathering of people dressed as nurses.
They've got that on lock.
Fellas prepared to keep a tight grip on their wad can enjoy a weekend in Dubai for around £800.
But for the benefit of award-baiting TV, Johnny and I are about to spaff 10 times that on hotel rooms alone.
The Atlantis, our sober retreat for the next 48 hours, is situated on the world's biggest man-made palm-shaped island, The Palm.
I mean, how late were those doors? I'm furious.
Ha! I was right next to it.
Look at this comely centrepiece.
As a potter Yes.
.
.
stroke sculptor How do you feel about it? .
.
that's pretty I'm impressed.
A younger, drunker me would want to climb that.
Don't rule it out.
JOHNNY CHUCKLES Well, why don't you go to your suite? To my suite, OK.
One of the 1,500 rooms here and we can meet at the aquarium.
What, in three days' time? In five minutes.
Five minutes? you're expecting me to OK.
Come on.
'Our rooms come with private 24 hour butlers' Hello.
Welcome to your suite.
Someone's broken in already.
'.
.
who have previously pretended to care 'about Kylie, De Niro, Kardashian and Vernon "The Face" Kay.
' If the ceilings were a pinch higher, it'd be perfect.
Johnny's in the three storey Neptune Suite, with its wall of fish.
Oh, my God.
Oh, this is madness.
My personal joint, retailing at over £8,500 a night has five balconies, gold laced toiletries and, mercifully, British standard AC power sockets.
You've got to be moved by this.
I am moved, but I'm trying not to get sucked in to thecommodification of Marine life.
This would be an overly obvious place to rendezvous in a spy film.
THEY LAUGH It's ridiculous.
11 million litres of seawater, of course.
65,000 types of fish.
220kg a day of food.
Oh, God.
The pleasing thing is this is 70 centimetres thick.
That's the only thing I need to take away from here.
I could happily sit with a pint in front of this for three days.
You don't have time.
Right, OK.
There's nothing here that you can't get on a screensaver of any standard PC.
Let's go.
No-one has walked in Dubai since the late '70s, and with dwindling oil reserves, the roads could soon go the full Mad Max - so we opt for an alternate mode of transport.
Come on.
You can do this.
RICHARD SIGHS Why am I? Your entire body language! Why was I made so weak? I'm such a weak person.
It's, erm, it's in the mind.
I've got no constitution.
This beats the city bus tour, doesn't it? Combining two of my favourite types of motion sickness.
Air and sea.
We're airborne.
For a far too long 40 mins, well loop out from the historic heart of Dubai, The Creek, and take in the offshore man-made world, The Palm, and the city's skyline.
This is a bit much for me.
Oy, oy, oy! That's the cluster of islands meant to look like the world, out there.
What, is that man-made? Yes.
It didn't naturally form into a map of the globe(!) How come it doesn't drift, like when you build a sandcastle? I don't know how this works.
I need you to know these things! I know.
I have the brain of a 12-year-old that just asks questions.
I What's that ship doing there? I don't know! What country is that meant to be? Poland.
Do fish know when it's raining? Yes.
LOUD BUMP Oh! Oh, God! Wow! I was not keen on that at all.
And that's the Palm over there, that's where we're staying.
Oh, yeah.
As an engineering feat, it's admirable, but it's The kind of thing Michael Jackson would have done.
Yes.
Yes.
Speaking personally, I could never do this again.
This plane is too small.
It's like a VW van has taken off into the air.
That's my favourite bit of the trip.
What? The landing? It ending.
I may need to use my Seawings complimentary bag and leave them my compliments(!) All I can say is, I feel Craig David would like it here.
After risking our lives for something that could have been more comfortably achieved using Google Maps, we decide to soothe our blackened souls in the secular chapel of consumerism.
Shopping oft tops the list of reasons for visiting Dubai, and the world's biggest mall is an attraction I plan to prowl around like a mighty tiger.
I like malls, do you? I love malls.
I could waste the entire trip putting some serious dents in the credit card.
Yeah.
What can go wrong in a mall? Nothing.
I feel safe, there's no weather.
Time is irrelevant.
As well as a host of high street mainstays M&S! .
.
it's also home to Donald Trump's favourite teashop.
That's £1,000, for 100g.
There's nobody in this world that I love enough to pay that much.
I know I'm right here(!) It's unfortunate.
I'm right here.
Could I afford something this size? That one is 90.
Just for the tin, that's 90? Yes, it's empty.
I've been a fool all these years just throwing out my recycling! I know.
I daren't ask how much for sugar.
Dubai mall has more than 150 food joints, but only Majlis specialises in camel cuisine - which is fortunate, because Johnny and I have been an strict camel-only diets for close to a decade.
Look, this is a camel milk cafe.
You can get camel milk products.
Three times the vitamin C of normal milk.
Closest animal milk to human mothers' milk, which is slightly creepy.
I was going to say, is that supposed to be a benefit, or? Slightly saltier than normal milk, as may be expected.
Salty? You like salty milk, surely? Is it popular amongst the locals or are we just being? The place is packed.
We're lucky to get a seat.
What are you talking about? Were going full hump with a camel sandwich, a camel milkshake and a camelccino.
You haven't thought of the pun for the milkshake, you have gone camelccino but that's camel milk, milkshake.
Yes, this one is a camel.
Camel milkshake? Camilkshake, come on.
I only want 25% of that.
Yes.
OK.
Thank you.
It's a lot like spam.
Camel spam.
It's quite mild.
thought it would be .
.
"capam".
Yeah, I can live with that.
That is saltier, than I would have expected.
How's that camilkshake? That is, actually, that's pretty damn good.
I wouldn't know that was camel.
I don't know what you'd believe that was.
But you'd certainly ask, what kind of meat is this? All right.
Yeah.
Let's leave before they try and get us to pay.
A small man who couldn't stop laughing assured us that no trip to Dubai is complete without heading to the desert - so we're doing exactly what he said, heading 45 mins out of town in search of sandy action.
You wouldn't know to look at me, there is just a tad of adrenaline junkie.
As long as it takes, you know, no more physical exertion than, you know, putting your foot down.
Tourists who love water-scarce topography can ride camels, ski across the dunes or fly over them in a balloon.
It's at this point that the laughing man's chuckles start to have a hollow ring.
My name is Mitch.
Hi, guys, are you ready for the buggies? No.
Yes! Have you done anything to those dunes to make them roadworthy? Nothing at all.
OK.
Why won't people accept that there are some places that they cannot drive? It's man's overwhelming need to conquer the elements whilst on a stag do.
A guided wazz around the dunes costs £125 for a couple of hours of sandy grip-less hell.
I'm not confident about this.
I'm not confident! I'm not confident! It's fine! Whoa! No, no, no! No! That'sno! The only thing I have in common with Jeremy Clarkson is that we are both casually racist.
No! No.
MANIC GIGGLING You've gone out of your mind.
This entire sequence could have been handled by my stunt double.
No, no, no! JOHNNY CHUCKLES Oh I feel trust slipping.
Come on, that was a rush.
That was the same kind of rush as being abducted.
JOHNNY LAUGHS That was brill, come on.
Oh Look at the sand.
Look, I go through life just limping with gout, out there I felt like a sand ballerina.
I was focusing on my own terror, but I'm pleased that you managed to let go.
I did.
It's a driving experience of my lifetime.
As eve assaults, Johnny demands that I hook him up with some high-end ice, so we slope down to Scoopi, one of Dubai's most recently opened ice cream parlours, to carve up the most costly ice cream on the planet.
You will need to give me your credit card at the end of this.
Why? Because I intend to order this, the Black Diamond.
Madagascan vanilla ice cream, blended with black truffle is frozen live, using a liquid nitrogen method for optimum taste and texture, before the addition of what can very much be described as garnish.
A garnish made from supposedly health-giving 23 carat edible gold.
It's good for your brain, your nerves Right.
.
.
haemoglobin, of your body, it increases.
OK.
A lot of benefits are there.
So maybe why I feel so bad is that I've never eaten gold.
Iranian Saffron and gold sprinkles take this folly to £533 a scoop, but you could claw back some of the cost by ebaying the complimentary Versace bowl.
Are you ready? I'm in, yeah.
You can really taste that gold.
Are you getting that metallic aftertaste? Yeah.
It's like I've licked the exhaust off a Capri.
That is not the review they are looking for(!) Sorry! Well, very good.
You take the bowl.
No, no, no.
It's my gift to you.
No Seeing as you've paid.
What you mean, seeing as I've paid? Remember to tip.
And with Johnny in financial disarray, the fripperies of day one finally fizzle out.
In the second half of this tour de force we vie with vertigo It's so high it's become silly.
.
.
attract a squall of gulls Whoa! Now it's gone a bit Hitchcock.
.
.
and overpay for some tat.
It's not a game show.
I'm well aware of that.
We're halfway through out our near-mythic quest to gut all the goodness from Dubai in just 48 hours.
So far we have been propelled at altitude.
All I can say is, I feel Craig David would like it here.
'Skidded, ungoverned in the desert.
'You've gone out of your mind.
'And exceeded our culinary tolerance.
' What kind of meat is this? By day two, we're as relaxed and untouchable as bankers.
You all right chaps? No peeking.
Yes, I mean you.
We have become so heinously spoiled that we demand that breakfast is brought to us.
Morning.
Please join me on my personal roof terrace immediately.
You're the boss.
See you soon.
Thank you.
You are most welcome.
Ah, best fetch a robe.
Morning, don't get up.
How do.
Your butler let me in, hope you don't mind.
Yes, he's a good man, and thorough.
'In an act that combined faux authenticity with greed, 'we order a full Arabian - four types of cheese, ful medames, or 'beans in sauce, a vegetable platter, omelette, 'fruit and flatbreads.
' When I go back home and my wife presents me with Coco Pops, I'm just going to end up in tears.
You'll have to hit the roof.
Now, by the way, I'm going to have to let you know about some standards of decorum here.
Right.
These are things which are verboten.
Foul language.
OK.
Crude Gestures, that can include the protrusion of your tongue.
And, try and refrain from showing the soles of your feet, because I know that's often how you communicate.
But, they're manicured, they're very well maintained.
I love your feet, you know that.
But, you cannot show the soles of them to anyone here.
OK.
Mmm.
How's that cheese board going down? Amazing.
Well, we can't be too long.
We only have limited time.
Just take the plate with you.
Take a bowl.
I'll take this.
I'll just take a little bit of cheese With a bit of this, all right? .
.
bit of cheese Let's get out.
.
.
bit of cheese Have you got any clingfilm? As our remaining insulin floods through us, plain common sense insists we ascend Dubai's biggest tourist attraction, the Burj Khalifa, holder of eight of Dubai's 149 World Records.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS What floor are we going to? 124th.
It builds that, it builds the tension, doesn't it? Yeah.
Yeah.
The composer is to be congratulated.
'And, what two vertigo sufferers wouldn't want to 'stand upon the world's highest observation deck?' There's something in my brain that's telling me that a gust of wind is going to take me through that gap.
I'm worried my glasses will fall off my nose.
No, don't.
Please, please PLEASE! Oh, whoa I think maybe it?s for this, so you can have a casual look.
Oh, no, no.
I, no, I pigging hate this.
I get a really weird buzzing in my testicles.
Sure.
Not in any sexual Nope, your body language was not telling me that that was a good thing.
Let me hit you with some stats here, Johnny.
Right.
Highest residential apartments, more floors than any building in the world.
Tallest freestanding structure in the world.
World record for vertical concrete pumping.
That's a great one to get.
Now that's 605m.
World's second highest swimming pool.
That must sting.
That's gotta hurt.
And my favourite, the world's highest toilet, which I plan on using.
Yeah, I don't really need you to read out why, up here.
There's a good way to go.
What, are we like two thirds up or something? Yeah.
Oh Oh-oh.
Just, oh.
Who cleans the windows? It's so high, I've gone out the other side of my vertigo.
How can you be so casual at this Because it's so high, it's become silly.
That's why.
I'm going to take you out of here, Johnny.
Justlook at it from over there.
Let's go and use the worlds highest toilet.
Separately.
Right, OK.
Keen to add the instability of water travel to our dizzied frames, we decide to hit the creek.
Oh, hello.
'Wooden abras have been ferrying locals over the creek for a 'mind-boggling 40 years, and at one dirham, approx 18p, 'it's the cheapest way to travel to the oldest part of town.
' Do you like this? I do, yeah.
It seems very un safe.
These boats do look like they could go any minute.
What's that? Oh.
You must pay him.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Are you sure? It's fine.
We'll square it at the end.
Oh, everything's gone a bit Hitchcock.
Look at this, this is gull heavy.
I don't want to be Tippi Hedren here.
What do they want from us? I'm glad I didn't bring fish and chips.
Do we need Bernard Herrmann to score this moment? We're going into old Dubai.
Right, OK.
Some of this is as old as Katy Perry.
A pleasingly swift four-min-journey lands us in the Al Fahidi district, with it's pre-air-con wind towers and labyrinthine streets.
JOHNNY GASPS History! I know.
This is all from the late nineties, I think.
I mean, it's a bit less Dallas.
'All that remains of the old city walls is on display, 'and what a magnificent sight it is.
' 50cm thick, 600m long.
These are impressive stats, aren't they? 2.
5m high.
In the beginning of the 20th century, the wall was demolished to accommodate the expansion of the city and, frankly good riddance, to what is a statistically unimpressive wall.
It hums of Chessington World Of Adventures.
And you say that like it's a bad thing.
Vision of Dubai.
I love that place.
Yeah, but nobody else That's a place where you can dream.
'The only thing left for us to achieve is 'the purchase of some random guff, with which to sanctify our stay.
' How are you with fridge magnets? I like them.
It just says Dubai skyline, doesn't say 'I love', so you're not over-committing.
Yes, you're just ambivalent.
You've just acknowledged that is has one.
This could be pleasing.
Oh, hey now.
Oh, it keeps going.
That's coming home.
That's coming home.
Butane lighter gas.
I like this, yet perhaps it's not the best memento.
It does fill every refillable butane lighter in the world.
OK.
I don't know if you can take that on the plane.
That looks, well, that's literally flammable.
No, but I'll just fill a lot of lighters while I'm here, and then take all the lighters on separately.
If you're getting through that many lighters here, I'm going to recommend you cut down.
So.
These two I'm not sure what you'd call them.
This one's 20 dirham.
Each? Johnny get in here.
How much? One of these, 20 dirham.
What, 20 for one? Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Johnny Johnny does not like the sound of that.
Please, please.
We're on a limited budget.
Say, for 30, 35, them three.
OK.
OK.
Yeah? And then the tea Whoa now.
Now Come on, that's pricey.
I mean, I know my tea, I sell a lot of tea in the UK.
You're taking to Mr Tea.
Trust me.
I mean, not the real Mr T, we couldn't get him.
Both for 40, and I'll do a picture holding the tea for you.
The whole lot for 100.
100? 100 for all? OK.
I don't feel totally comfortable with your energy level at the moment, you seem kind of down about it.
Are you OK with this? Yeah, I'm OK.
I'm going to give you some more money, because because Yeah, but it's not a game show.
I'm well aware of that.
It lacks the ratings, and the razzmatazz.
I know, but you're missing out on the whole ethos of bartering.
OK.
No.
I don't like this.
The man looks down.
So I'm going to leave another 50 dirham.
OK? Because OK.
For everything.
Is that enough, now? OK, I'll give you 100 more dirham.
What are you doing?! No.
'His manly, yet doleful eyes end up costing me close to half a C, 'taking our consolidated weekend spend to ?16,912.
13 - 'a bill which remains unpaid.
' Tempus is as fugit as ever, so we slump down on the hotel's man-made beach to assess our colossal achievements.
Johnny, what activity did you like best? Oh, erm You seemed to like the dune buggies.
The dune buggies, yeah.
That was a hell of a lot of fun.
I loved the boat, you know the river taxi? Yes.
Because that felt like the most authentic thing, and it was something that everyday people were using.
I tell you what I have really enjoyed, I've enjoyed the fact that there are three-pin-plugs here.
Yeah.
That is a joy.
That will accommodate a two-pin.
It will accommodate a two-pin as well.
It's some of the best power socketry I've ever seen.
I'm going to go and have a paddle I think.
Ask the foreman, over there, when they'll be done.
Will you make your own way back, Johnny? Well, no, if you get a spade, and we'll start chucking some sand in and create a bit of real estate of our own.
All right.
I'll get a spade.
Next week: A Teutonic trip to Berlin with Roisin Conaty.
We're stalled! We're stalled!
How can anyone be expected to go somewhere new and enjoy themselves without at least a decade to decompress? There's no idea where to go, what to do, or how to eat, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge up.
But let not tears bespoil your cheeks, for I, Richard "Showbiz" Ayoade am about to apply a damp compress of cheer to your beleaguered brow.
Contractually tethered to a TV face to comprise some kind of deathly, ad hoc double act, I'm going to savagely shoulder you through a maxi mini-break.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a 48 hour Emirati excursion in downtown Dubai.
14 million tourists a year bear down on this opulent oasis, flinging coin around like they were in some kind of coin flinging competition.
And helping me in this abject affront to austerity is actor, comedian and institution Johnny Vegas.
You get a really weird buzz in your testicles.
Sure.
Together we will skid around on sand This entire sequence could have been handled by my stunt double! Sightsee like wind-borne chaff, This beats the city bus tour, doesn't it? And blow a bundle on ice.
It's like I've licked the exhaust off a Capri.
That is not the review they are looking for(!) I'm sorry! We're here - but should we have come? The only humane way to get to Dubai is a seven hour flight, calling into question the foundational notion of what constitutes a mini-break.
You all right back there? Yeah.
You bagsied shotgun? Yeah.
You know I suffer from motion sickness.
I'm coming over all Schwarzenegger.
Wow(!) Not for the first time.
So, with me, publicly acknowledged skinflint, raised on Butlins and cheap camping holidays Well, this is like a fancy version of that.
Why Dubai? Why the millionaire's playground? Well, I'll tell you why.
Dubai is one of seven states that make up the United Arab Emirates, a relatively new country created the same year as the year in which 1971 took place.
A tiny fishing village until the '60s, Dubai exploded out of the desert into a high-rise landscape of shiny megastructures, thanks to the discovery of oil, the fuel that brings only joy.
Things in Dubai are, in a very real sense, well massive.
So well massive that the Guinness Book of World Records has a Dubai outpost to cope with the influx.
World's tallest building.
They got that.
Largest shopping centre.
They got that.
Most sand moved with a teaspoon in 30 seconds.
They've done that.
And largest gathering of people dressed as nurses.
They've got that on lock.
Fellas prepared to keep a tight grip on their wad can enjoy a weekend in Dubai for around £800.
But for the benefit of award-baiting TV, Johnny and I are about to spaff 10 times that on hotel rooms alone.
The Atlantis, our sober retreat for the next 48 hours, is situated on the world's biggest man-made palm-shaped island, The Palm.
I mean, how late were those doors? I'm furious.
Ha! I was right next to it.
Look at this comely centrepiece.
As a potter Yes.
.
.
stroke sculptor How do you feel about it? .
.
that's pretty I'm impressed.
A younger, drunker me would want to climb that.
Don't rule it out.
JOHNNY CHUCKLES Well, why don't you go to your suite? To my suite, OK.
One of the 1,500 rooms here and we can meet at the aquarium.
What, in three days' time? In five minutes.
Five minutes? you're expecting me to OK.
Come on.
'Our rooms come with private 24 hour butlers' Hello.
Welcome to your suite.
Someone's broken in already.
'.
.
who have previously pretended to care 'about Kylie, De Niro, Kardashian and Vernon "The Face" Kay.
' If the ceilings were a pinch higher, it'd be perfect.
Johnny's in the three storey Neptune Suite, with its wall of fish.
Oh, my God.
Oh, this is madness.
My personal joint, retailing at over £8,500 a night has five balconies, gold laced toiletries and, mercifully, British standard AC power sockets.
You've got to be moved by this.
I am moved, but I'm trying not to get sucked in to thecommodification of Marine life.
This would be an overly obvious place to rendezvous in a spy film.
THEY LAUGH It's ridiculous.
11 million litres of seawater, of course.
65,000 types of fish.
220kg a day of food.
Oh, God.
The pleasing thing is this is 70 centimetres thick.
That's the only thing I need to take away from here.
I could happily sit with a pint in front of this for three days.
You don't have time.
Right, OK.
There's nothing here that you can't get on a screensaver of any standard PC.
Let's go.
No-one has walked in Dubai since the late '70s, and with dwindling oil reserves, the roads could soon go the full Mad Max - so we opt for an alternate mode of transport.
Come on.
You can do this.
RICHARD SIGHS Why am I? Your entire body language! Why was I made so weak? I'm such a weak person.
It's, erm, it's in the mind.
I've got no constitution.
This beats the city bus tour, doesn't it? Combining two of my favourite types of motion sickness.
Air and sea.
We're airborne.
For a far too long 40 mins, well loop out from the historic heart of Dubai, The Creek, and take in the offshore man-made world, The Palm, and the city's skyline.
This is a bit much for me.
Oy, oy, oy! That's the cluster of islands meant to look like the world, out there.
What, is that man-made? Yes.
It didn't naturally form into a map of the globe(!) How come it doesn't drift, like when you build a sandcastle? I don't know how this works.
I need you to know these things! I know.
I have the brain of a 12-year-old that just asks questions.
I What's that ship doing there? I don't know! What country is that meant to be? Poland.
Do fish know when it's raining? Yes.
LOUD BUMP Oh! Oh, God! Wow! I was not keen on that at all.
And that's the Palm over there, that's where we're staying.
Oh, yeah.
As an engineering feat, it's admirable, but it's The kind of thing Michael Jackson would have done.
Yes.
Yes.
Speaking personally, I could never do this again.
This plane is too small.
It's like a VW van has taken off into the air.
That's my favourite bit of the trip.
What? The landing? It ending.
I may need to use my Seawings complimentary bag and leave them my compliments(!) All I can say is, I feel Craig David would like it here.
After risking our lives for something that could have been more comfortably achieved using Google Maps, we decide to soothe our blackened souls in the secular chapel of consumerism.
Shopping oft tops the list of reasons for visiting Dubai, and the world's biggest mall is an attraction I plan to prowl around like a mighty tiger.
I like malls, do you? I love malls.
I could waste the entire trip putting some serious dents in the credit card.
Yeah.
What can go wrong in a mall? Nothing.
I feel safe, there's no weather.
Time is irrelevant.
As well as a host of high street mainstays M&S! .
.
it's also home to Donald Trump's favourite teashop.
That's £1,000, for 100g.
There's nobody in this world that I love enough to pay that much.
I know I'm right here(!) It's unfortunate.
I'm right here.
Could I afford something this size? That one is 90.
Just for the tin, that's 90? Yes, it's empty.
I've been a fool all these years just throwing out my recycling! I know.
I daren't ask how much for sugar.
Dubai mall has more than 150 food joints, but only Majlis specialises in camel cuisine - which is fortunate, because Johnny and I have been an strict camel-only diets for close to a decade.
Look, this is a camel milk cafe.
You can get camel milk products.
Three times the vitamin C of normal milk.
Closest animal milk to human mothers' milk, which is slightly creepy.
I was going to say, is that supposed to be a benefit, or? Slightly saltier than normal milk, as may be expected.
Salty? You like salty milk, surely? Is it popular amongst the locals or are we just being? The place is packed.
We're lucky to get a seat.
What are you talking about? Were going full hump with a camel sandwich, a camel milkshake and a camelccino.
You haven't thought of the pun for the milkshake, you have gone camelccino but that's camel milk, milkshake.
Yes, this one is a camel.
Camel milkshake? Camilkshake, come on.
I only want 25% of that.
Yes.
OK.
Thank you.
It's a lot like spam.
Camel spam.
It's quite mild.
thought it would be .
.
"capam".
Yeah, I can live with that.
That is saltier, than I would have expected.
How's that camilkshake? That is, actually, that's pretty damn good.
I wouldn't know that was camel.
I don't know what you'd believe that was.
But you'd certainly ask, what kind of meat is this? All right.
Yeah.
Let's leave before they try and get us to pay.
A small man who couldn't stop laughing assured us that no trip to Dubai is complete without heading to the desert - so we're doing exactly what he said, heading 45 mins out of town in search of sandy action.
You wouldn't know to look at me, there is just a tad of adrenaline junkie.
As long as it takes, you know, no more physical exertion than, you know, putting your foot down.
Tourists who love water-scarce topography can ride camels, ski across the dunes or fly over them in a balloon.
It's at this point that the laughing man's chuckles start to have a hollow ring.
My name is Mitch.
Hi, guys, are you ready for the buggies? No.
Yes! Have you done anything to those dunes to make them roadworthy? Nothing at all.
OK.
Why won't people accept that there are some places that they cannot drive? It's man's overwhelming need to conquer the elements whilst on a stag do.
A guided wazz around the dunes costs £125 for a couple of hours of sandy grip-less hell.
I'm not confident about this.
I'm not confident! I'm not confident! It's fine! Whoa! No, no, no! No! That'sno! The only thing I have in common with Jeremy Clarkson is that we are both casually racist.
No! No.
MANIC GIGGLING You've gone out of your mind.
This entire sequence could have been handled by my stunt double.
No, no, no! JOHNNY CHUCKLES Oh I feel trust slipping.
Come on, that was a rush.
That was the same kind of rush as being abducted.
JOHNNY LAUGHS That was brill, come on.
Oh Look at the sand.
Look, I go through life just limping with gout, out there I felt like a sand ballerina.
I was focusing on my own terror, but I'm pleased that you managed to let go.
I did.
It's a driving experience of my lifetime.
As eve assaults, Johnny demands that I hook him up with some high-end ice, so we slope down to Scoopi, one of Dubai's most recently opened ice cream parlours, to carve up the most costly ice cream on the planet.
You will need to give me your credit card at the end of this.
Why? Because I intend to order this, the Black Diamond.
Madagascan vanilla ice cream, blended with black truffle is frozen live, using a liquid nitrogen method for optimum taste and texture, before the addition of what can very much be described as garnish.
A garnish made from supposedly health-giving 23 carat edible gold.
It's good for your brain, your nerves Right.
.
.
haemoglobin, of your body, it increases.
OK.
A lot of benefits are there.
So maybe why I feel so bad is that I've never eaten gold.
Iranian Saffron and gold sprinkles take this folly to £533 a scoop, but you could claw back some of the cost by ebaying the complimentary Versace bowl.
Are you ready? I'm in, yeah.
You can really taste that gold.
Are you getting that metallic aftertaste? Yeah.
It's like I've licked the exhaust off a Capri.
That is not the review they are looking for(!) Sorry! Well, very good.
You take the bowl.
No, no, no.
It's my gift to you.
No Seeing as you've paid.
What you mean, seeing as I've paid? Remember to tip.
And with Johnny in financial disarray, the fripperies of day one finally fizzle out.
In the second half of this tour de force we vie with vertigo It's so high it's become silly.
.
.
attract a squall of gulls Whoa! Now it's gone a bit Hitchcock.
.
.
and overpay for some tat.
It's not a game show.
I'm well aware of that.
We're halfway through out our near-mythic quest to gut all the goodness from Dubai in just 48 hours.
So far we have been propelled at altitude.
All I can say is, I feel Craig David would like it here.
'Skidded, ungoverned in the desert.
'You've gone out of your mind.
'And exceeded our culinary tolerance.
' What kind of meat is this? By day two, we're as relaxed and untouchable as bankers.
You all right chaps? No peeking.
Yes, I mean you.
We have become so heinously spoiled that we demand that breakfast is brought to us.
Morning.
Please join me on my personal roof terrace immediately.
You're the boss.
See you soon.
Thank you.
You are most welcome.
Ah, best fetch a robe.
Morning, don't get up.
How do.
Your butler let me in, hope you don't mind.
Yes, he's a good man, and thorough.
'In an act that combined faux authenticity with greed, 'we order a full Arabian - four types of cheese, ful medames, or 'beans in sauce, a vegetable platter, omelette, 'fruit and flatbreads.
' When I go back home and my wife presents me with Coco Pops, I'm just going to end up in tears.
You'll have to hit the roof.
Now, by the way, I'm going to have to let you know about some standards of decorum here.
Right.
These are things which are verboten.
Foul language.
OK.
Crude Gestures, that can include the protrusion of your tongue.
And, try and refrain from showing the soles of your feet, because I know that's often how you communicate.
But, they're manicured, they're very well maintained.
I love your feet, you know that.
But, you cannot show the soles of them to anyone here.
OK.
Mmm.
How's that cheese board going down? Amazing.
Well, we can't be too long.
We only have limited time.
Just take the plate with you.
Take a bowl.
I'll take this.
I'll just take a little bit of cheese With a bit of this, all right? .
.
bit of cheese Let's get out.
.
.
bit of cheese Have you got any clingfilm? As our remaining insulin floods through us, plain common sense insists we ascend Dubai's biggest tourist attraction, the Burj Khalifa, holder of eight of Dubai's 149 World Records.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS What floor are we going to? 124th.
It builds that, it builds the tension, doesn't it? Yeah.
Yeah.
The composer is to be congratulated.
'And, what two vertigo sufferers wouldn't want to 'stand upon the world's highest observation deck?' There's something in my brain that's telling me that a gust of wind is going to take me through that gap.
I'm worried my glasses will fall off my nose.
No, don't.
Please, please PLEASE! Oh, whoa I think maybe it?s for this, so you can have a casual look.
Oh, no, no.
I, no, I pigging hate this.
I get a really weird buzzing in my testicles.
Sure.
Not in any sexual Nope, your body language was not telling me that that was a good thing.
Let me hit you with some stats here, Johnny.
Right.
Highest residential apartments, more floors than any building in the world.
Tallest freestanding structure in the world.
World record for vertical concrete pumping.
That's a great one to get.
Now that's 605m.
World's second highest swimming pool.
That must sting.
That's gotta hurt.
And my favourite, the world's highest toilet, which I plan on using.
Yeah, I don't really need you to read out why, up here.
There's a good way to go.
What, are we like two thirds up or something? Yeah.
Oh Oh-oh.
Just, oh.
Who cleans the windows? It's so high, I've gone out the other side of my vertigo.
How can you be so casual at this Because it's so high, it's become silly.
That's why.
I'm going to take you out of here, Johnny.
Justlook at it from over there.
Let's go and use the worlds highest toilet.
Separately.
Right, OK.
Keen to add the instability of water travel to our dizzied frames, we decide to hit the creek.
Oh, hello.
'Wooden abras have been ferrying locals over the creek for a 'mind-boggling 40 years, and at one dirham, approx 18p, 'it's the cheapest way to travel to the oldest part of town.
' Do you like this? I do, yeah.
It seems very un safe.
These boats do look like they could go any minute.
What's that? Oh.
You must pay him.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Are you sure? It's fine.
We'll square it at the end.
Oh, everything's gone a bit Hitchcock.
Look at this, this is gull heavy.
I don't want to be Tippi Hedren here.
What do they want from us? I'm glad I didn't bring fish and chips.
Do we need Bernard Herrmann to score this moment? We're going into old Dubai.
Right, OK.
Some of this is as old as Katy Perry.
A pleasingly swift four-min-journey lands us in the Al Fahidi district, with it's pre-air-con wind towers and labyrinthine streets.
JOHNNY GASPS History! I know.
This is all from the late nineties, I think.
I mean, it's a bit less Dallas.
'All that remains of the old city walls is on display, 'and what a magnificent sight it is.
' 50cm thick, 600m long.
These are impressive stats, aren't they? 2.
5m high.
In the beginning of the 20th century, the wall was demolished to accommodate the expansion of the city and, frankly good riddance, to what is a statistically unimpressive wall.
It hums of Chessington World Of Adventures.
And you say that like it's a bad thing.
Vision of Dubai.
I love that place.
Yeah, but nobody else That's a place where you can dream.
'The only thing left for us to achieve is 'the purchase of some random guff, with which to sanctify our stay.
' How are you with fridge magnets? I like them.
It just says Dubai skyline, doesn't say 'I love', so you're not over-committing.
Yes, you're just ambivalent.
You've just acknowledged that is has one.
This could be pleasing.
Oh, hey now.
Oh, it keeps going.
That's coming home.
That's coming home.
Butane lighter gas.
I like this, yet perhaps it's not the best memento.
It does fill every refillable butane lighter in the world.
OK.
I don't know if you can take that on the plane.
That looks, well, that's literally flammable.
No, but I'll just fill a lot of lighters while I'm here, and then take all the lighters on separately.
If you're getting through that many lighters here, I'm going to recommend you cut down.
So.
These two I'm not sure what you'd call them.
This one's 20 dirham.
Each? Johnny get in here.
How much? One of these, 20 dirham.
What, 20 for one? Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Johnny Johnny does not like the sound of that.
Please, please.
We're on a limited budget.
Say, for 30, 35, them three.
OK.
OK.
Yeah? And then the tea Whoa now.
Now Come on, that's pricey.
I mean, I know my tea, I sell a lot of tea in the UK.
You're taking to Mr Tea.
Trust me.
I mean, not the real Mr T, we couldn't get him.
Both for 40, and I'll do a picture holding the tea for you.
The whole lot for 100.
100? 100 for all? OK.
I don't feel totally comfortable with your energy level at the moment, you seem kind of down about it.
Are you OK with this? Yeah, I'm OK.
I'm going to give you some more money, because because Yeah, but it's not a game show.
I'm well aware of that.
It lacks the ratings, and the razzmatazz.
I know, but you're missing out on the whole ethos of bartering.
OK.
No.
I don't like this.
The man looks down.
So I'm going to leave another 50 dirham.
OK? Because OK.
For everything.
Is that enough, now? OK, I'll give you 100 more dirham.
What are you doing?! No.
'His manly, yet doleful eyes end up costing me close to half a C, 'taking our consolidated weekend spend to ?16,912.
13 - 'a bill which remains unpaid.
' Tempus is as fugit as ever, so we slump down on the hotel's man-made beach to assess our colossal achievements.
Johnny, what activity did you like best? Oh, erm You seemed to like the dune buggies.
The dune buggies, yeah.
That was a hell of a lot of fun.
I loved the boat, you know the river taxi? Yes.
Because that felt like the most authentic thing, and it was something that everyday people were using.
I tell you what I have really enjoyed, I've enjoyed the fact that there are three-pin-plugs here.
Yeah.
That is a joy.
That will accommodate a two-pin.
It will accommodate a two-pin as well.
It's some of the best power socketry I've ever seen.
I'm going to go and have a paddle I think.
Ask the foreman, over there, when they'll be done.
Will you make your own way back, Johnny? Well, no, if you get a spade, and we'll start chucking some sand in and create a bit of real estate of our own.
All right.
I'll get a spade.
Next week: A Teutonic trip to Berlin with Roisin Conaty.
We're stalled! We're stalled!