Tripping the Rift s03e03 Episode Script

(theme music playing) Spaceship Bob: Please remember to put your flight attendant back into her upright position.
(yawns) - Hmm.
- Hmm.
(sighs) - (gasps) - (snoring) - (thwacking) - Chode: Stop playing with yourself.
Why, you want a turn? I'm about to break the ship record.
Give me that thing.
I don't think this trip could get anymore boring.
We could watch one of Woody Allen's new movies.
I stand corrected.
Bob? - (Bob snoring) - T'nuk, will you wiggle the mouse and wake him up? I was on snooze.
What the hell do you want? - Are we there yet? - You asked me that 10 minutes ago.
We now have 29 hours and 50 minutes to go.
I know.
How about a road game? Ooh, anyone up for a rousing set of Slug Bug? - Ow.
- I need something fun to occupy time.
How about l-Spy? Ah, screw you deadbeats.
I'm off to entertain myself.
Is it possible I've seen every free porn image on the net? Wait a minute.
These girls can keep my attention for 15 minutes tops, but there's one that can have me going for days on end Lady Luck.
I'm in for 50 kronigs.
Yeah, 21! Let it ride.
Hi.
How about I let you ride? Chode, are you all right? - We heard - Whoa, Xanadu.
It seems to be in some sort of tacky Earth theme.
(chuckles) "Tacky Earth.
" That's like saying "ice cold.
" Would you guys get lost? Can we get lost here? - Yes, just go.
- Gambling.
- This place is depraved.
- Gus, you're looking at this all wrong.
Depravity is a good thing.
Pick your poison and they got it.
How about the micro-chippendales all-male revue? I understand their hard drives are something to behold.
Chode McBlob, why would you make such a suggestion? You know very well I'm not gay.
Ooh, lookie here.
Fendi and Gucci and Prada, oh my.
I guess a little window shopping wouldn't hurt.
What was that about not being gay? Mmmn.
- (beeping) - Huh? Ah! (gasps) Huh? (Six moans) Oh that feels so good.
Let's splurge and go for the full body massage.
I don't care what it costs.
- (screen rips) - (screen rips) - (screen rips) - Hmm.
(Six moaning) (screen rips) (dance music playing) Ooh, you know what they say about guys with long tongues.
No, what? (giggles) How about a lapdance? I don't know.
I never Money makes me moist.
All you had to say was the magic word "moist.
" (slot machines dinging) (gasps) Oh! Hey, come here often? (chuckles) Oh my god, I loved that show.
Let's see what all the fuss is about.
- (squelching) - (Chode groans) If my money hadn't run out, I'd still be enjoying myself.
Whip, enough with the damn paddle ball already.
(gasps, shudders) Bob, please, are we there yet? No, and if you ask me again, I'll turn the ship right around.
Do you understand me, mister? Hey, Gus, how was your online gambling experience? A den of iniquity if you ask me.
(loud crash) What was that? Whoever smelt it, dealt it.
I'm picking up a problem in the exhaust system.
I guess no one would buy it if I blamed it on the dog? Hey, is that a shot at me? The entire exhaust manifold is gone.
Somebody's replaced it with this drier hose.
Hey, how would you like it if someone poked around in your exhaust? Chode does it all the time.
Are you telling me someone ripped off your exhaust And you didn't feel a thing? - I was on snooze.
- What are you, narcoleptic? - Gus! - What? You told me that story about the guy waking up in a bathtub missing a kidney - was an urban legend.
- Yes, well, I also told you not to fill out that organ donor card.
What if the manifold was stolen by aliens? Ditsy broad, we're the freakin' aliens here.
Hmm.
This is quite a mystery.
What we need is a clue.
You mean like in "Clue" the movie? - There was a movie? - Yeah! It had three endings.
Go talk dull somewhere else.
I've got some deducing to do.
Whip, stay here.
You'll be my assistant.
Hmm.
No fingerprints.
We need one of those fancy lights to check for body fluids.
This was a theft.
Not rape.
Don't you watch "CSl: Snozzo," Uncle Chode? Even thieves leave their semen behind.
"MET'1 -MAN"? - What the hell does that mean? - T'nuk: Chode, you'd better get up here.
We've got another problem.
Now don't get upset.
Saying that tells a guy he should be upset.
(gasps, yells) Holy! My command post! My symbol of power! Bob: What got stolen, his chair or his? Who could do such a thing? That's for you to know and for us to find out.
- What? - Us to know and you to find out? - Huh? - Shut up, Whip.
It's time for me to put on my thinking cap.
(dramatic sound bite) I wish someone would steal that music.
This has Darph Bobo written all over it.
(English accent) I disagree, my good Whipston.
He would've been gloating the moment he got his pasty little hands on it.
And he would have started with the exhaust system.
- (hydraulics releasing) - Aha! - What is it? - Hmm.
Some sort of metallic shaving.
Let's get this thing back to the lab and run some tests.
- We don't have a lab.
- I told you the bathroom's the lab.
- Remember? - I thought the bathroom was the interrogation room.
No, you dumbass.
The kitchen's the Mmm.
No, my boy, the kitchen is the conservatory.
- Why are you talking that way? - What was is that, my boy? The tea and crumpets and delight.
(chuckles) I beg your pardon.
Silly of me.
I believe I have taken on the persona of Holmes.
You mean that pornstar John Holmes? You know, if you're going to assist me in these matters, you should try cracking a friggin' book! Huh? Hand me that razorblade.
The one on the stack of magazines.
What magazines? The ones next to the ahh! No! My men's magazine collection! They got 'em all! They were priceless! Hef came to me to do research! I always hoped you were gonna leave them to me in your will.
None of the pages were even stuck together! Do you realize how rare that is? I've gotta get 'em back.
I've gotta find 'em! (gasping) (whimpering) Here, this'll cheer you up something better than pictures in a magazine.
The real thing.
- (moans) - T'nuk: Like those are real.
That Pamela Anderson wannabe's tits are just silicone and helium.
Now these are the real McCoy.
And you get 50% more.
We're trying to cheer Chode up, not make him sick.
It was you! No one else on board Gives a crap about looking at women! Why you little (growls) Come on, Uncle Chode, think! If I stole your porn, you would have found it in my room.
Yeah, he'd be in there right now with a Costco-size bottle of hand lotion and a case of tube socks.
You're right.
I found nothing.
Not even a torn page with a badly-written forum story.
These crimes were performed with incredible precision, the precision of someone or someones who know what they want and where to find it, which leads me to only one conclusion.
- What's that? - It's an inside job.
Oh, us.
Whip, get everyone assembled on the bridge.
Let's see if my superior intellect and cunning Can flush a few quail, huh? If there's gonna be any flushing, Shouldn't we be in the bathroom? Just do it right now, you dipweed! (mimicking Columbo) Sorry I'm late.
I had a little trouble with the car.
Am I still your assistant or one of the suspects, Uncle Chode? Let me think for a moment.
We all agree that you have an uncontrollable urge to stimulate your your little Havana, so you could have stolen my magazines, but it would also have been difficult - to part with them.
- Well, duh.
There may be more going on behind those reptilian eyes than meets the, well, eye.
Which leads us to you, miss.
How does that lead you to me? If you don't mind, miss, I'll ask the questions.
(grunts) I think you considered those magazines a pain, something that rubbed you the wrong way.
- Is there a wrong way? - You got a point.
You were jealous due to the amount of time I spent with them and not you, so you had a motive.
And your access to my quarters - gave you the means.
- Are you kidding? I saw them as a welcome break.
I was gonna buy you a lifetime subscription To "Butts, Nuts, and Sluts" for Christmas.
Really?! That's very generous of you, miss.
And what of you, my three-titted friend? I'm definitely not jealous of your girly mags.
No, but everyone knows there's nothing you'd like more than to take command of this ship.
You're out of your mind.
You may have wanted my position as captain so bad you were willing to steal to get it.
Oh yeah, there's one more thing.
Those gold-colored metal shavings were produced when your accomplice scraped his leg on the chair while he was lifting it, right, Gus? Oh, that.
I got it from the stall door in a public restroom.
I was kneeling down to look at a curious hole - in the stall wall - That's evidence in an entirely different case.
Well, as far as "MET'1 -MAN," that would only refer to Six or Gus.
T'nuk couldn't meet a man and Whip wouldn't want to.
What about the exhaust system? - Why don't you ask Bob? - Are you suggesting I stole my own exhaust system? No, but you should be able to tell us who did.
I told you.
I was on snooze.
- I can sleep through anything.
- As can I.
Well, that's funny, miss.
A lot of people use humor to cover their guilt.
So this is it? We all did it.
It was all a mad conspiracy to (normal voice) Okay okay.
So I didn't get it right, but that was all part of my plan! - See, I was stallin' - Till you grew a brain? (all chuckle) No.
I needed time, time for the translucent micromanatic sulfa crystals to take effect.
What's that, some kind of truth serum? No, it's a dye I dusted my magazines with to protect them.
Once touched, it takes about 45 minutes to turn the thief's hands and anything he's touched a neon guilty green.
Oh.
(chuckles nervously) See? Wasn't me.
The only green is a bit of copper petina robot age spots.
(chuckles) - (coughs) - There couldn't have been.
- I was bluffing.
- Gus, why? Okay, yes, it was me.
You'd think that even you could've figured out That it wasn't "MET'1 -MAN," but "MET'L -MAN.
" It's my screen name.
You see, I've got money problems.
I've been selling various items around the ship on ebay And for more than I thought I would.
They're one of the few things on the ship that are worth anything.
Let's sell you piece by piece and see what we get.
You mean right now some stranger is ogling my girls?! I'll kill you! - Gus, why do you need money? - Well My, how invigorating! I feel so alive! Well, for a machine.
Woo-hoo-hoo! Ha ha! Oh yes, yes! I can't lose.
Hoo-hoo! Wonderful! Ho ho ho! Muah! Hmm.
Woo-hoo! Oh yes! Yes! Ah.
You gotta be sitting on a pair of ladies.
Well, the stool was a little short.
(all gasp) I haven't got the money, but you don't have the cards.
How much you need, eh? Looks like I'm about Heck, we'll spot you.
That's awfully nice of you gentlemen.
You're looking more and more like my own personal ATM.
There's no way you're fence-hopping this pot.
Looks like you're a retarded pitbull, won't let go once you catch the slightest bit of a hand.
Pay up.
Man: I think it's you - who needs to pay up, eh? - (gasps) Gus: How was I to know those two were members of the Falsetto crime family? I've been selling various things to - Pay your debt?! - Not exactly.
Just the interest.
There was nothing aboard that could cover my original marker.
What happens if you don't pay? (loud thud) I'll give you three guesses.
Oh hey there.
These are the guys?! Okay, everybody, relax! We'll just jettison Gus into space And they can pick him up.
We're no worse for the wear.
- Chode.
- All right, all right.
Bob, get us the hell out of here.
Oh, uh, I guess this would be a good time to tell you I also sold off the dylithium crystals.
So, Gus, are you gonna hop on the grenade here, or do we have to hold you on it and throw you down until it explodes?! - That won't be necessary.
- No disrespect, but you don't look like you belong to a tough Italian crime family.
We're not Italian, eh.
Jeez, that's totally stereotypical, don't you think? - So what are you, the Russian mob? - Nope.
The gang of Brazilian street toughs known as "The Red Command"? Uh-uh! We're from the center of the universe, eh.
- Coreolia? - No, Toronto.
I thought Michael Moore said there was no such thing as crime in Canada.
Jeez, of all people, you're gonna believe that hoser? He is pretty much right about everything, isn't he? Shh.
The Patriot Act.
Anyhoo, we're here for our money, eh.
- (all gasp) - Where is it? You know the rules.
- You gonna kneecap him? - There's you go again with that Italian stuff, eh.
No, we'll just shoot him, then you! Okay okay, let's all just settle down.
Gus, get these fine gentlemen their money.
- Chode, l - Don't play games, buddy.
Go get their money.
You know, the money I left in the bathroom taped behind the toilet tank? Bathroom? Toilet tank? Hmmph.
Sounds like that scene out of "The Godfather.
" (groans) Oh jeez.
Stan, can you like believe these guys? Jeez, we might be from Toronto, but we're not stupid, eh.
Barry, Stan, what's the hold up? My wife's expecting me for supper.
If I'm late, there won't be any whoopie-making for another month! Pardon the racy language in mixed company.
- You gotta be the accountant.
- Jeffery's the boss.
The boss, huh? Anything I can do to keep this guy out of cement overshoes? Hmm.
Straight-up trade.
Gus's marker for your extensive men's magazine collection.
- How'd you know? - Are you kidding? There are entire chat rooms dedicated to it.
Well, what do you say? (chuckles) You really think Gus's life is worth all that? You have a point.
Besides, Gus here sold it on eBay to keep up with his payments.
So shooting him would actually be doing you a favor.
- You have no idea.
- Excuse me, - I do have feelings.
- Not for long.
- (gasps) - Chode, do something.
Oh, all right.
Hold on.
There's gotta be something we can do to spare this guy's life.
- He made an honest mistake.
- He knew what he was doing.
That's just it.
He didn't.
It's the first time he's been in a casino, online or otherwise.
This guy thinks a vice is using butter instead of margarine.
What did you have in mind? How do I know you won't pull any funny business? Here, let Gus stand over there with you and your friends while we play.
If you think I'm dealing from the bottom of the deck, you shoot him and we're done.
- Whose side are you on? - Relax, Louise.
We're just gonna play a gentleman's game like a couple of gentleman.
I'll start off with Gus's fingers.
You won't cut off any of Gus's fingers.
I see that bet with the screen on the bridge.
- HD? - And Dolby digital.
- Check.
- I'm in for one astronaut pen.
The kind that writes upside down? Uh-uh.
This is more of a specialty item.
You know my weakness, Mr.
McBlob.
Well played.
I won't break Gus's legs and you have my word he won't be buried in a shallow black hole.
Hmm.
- I'm going all-in.
- (all gasp) I don't want your ship, Mr.
McBlob.
I wasn't talking about the ship.
I was talking about Six here.
Which one is Six? - That one? - I don't think so.
Can't blame a guy for trying.
I don't believe this.
Gus is more important to you than me? You're the one who told me to do something! Look, I heard you talk about the lack of nookie from the cookie? Six here can help you forget you were ever married and that's after the first five seconds! Chode, I don't know if I can let you do this.
- You want to be dead? - Okay, good point.
(groans) All in.
Gus for Six! - And 50,000 kronigs? - Yeah yeah, whatever.
I've got jacks and sevens.
Well, I'm sorry to say that doesn't beat a flush! Ho ho, hooray! (all cheering) (kissing) Chode: Well, I must admit that wasn't a bad way to kill some time.
Don't talk to me, you pig.
It's times like this you find out who your friends really are.
Relax, Six, you weren't going anywhere.
He was beat from the get! I had Gus stand over with his goons, not just to reassure him that I wouldn't pull a fast one, it was so I could see the cards - in the reflection of Gus's chest.
- Oh.
But Gus isn't free.
I won his marker.
That means now he owes me.
And we're gonna chalk it all up to a lesson learned.
What do you think this is, a after school special? Ooh.
- (loud moaning, thumping) - Yes, is this Bjorn's House of Porn? Oh, Bjorn.
Love a man who answers his own phone.
Anyway, I am looking for the entire first and third years of " Mothers, Jugs and Swedes," and also March of the fourth year.
Oh you do.
Good good.
And as to condition? Kept under the mattress of a little old man for years? Good.
You wouldn't happen to also have year seven of "Round Mounds," would you? Tits McGee has those in stock? That's M-C-capital G-double E? (moaning, thudding continues)