Trollied (2011) s03e03 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right! I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Can she stop that now? Boom! Red hot deals.
Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of two-for-ones.
We have fresh produce .
.
delivered daily.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right! Remind me what this is about, again? Well, according to Richard France, it is a "shooting range for idea bombs".
Right.
To be honest, Julia, I do find him very hard to follow.
Sometimes I think that Richard France might actually be from France! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, Gavin, that's very good! I thought of it last week, I've been meaning to say it for some time.
It's a disgrace, a bloody disgrace.
Oh He's broken the butcher's code.
Here we go again.
Rule one.
Don't touch another butcher's knife.
Rule two.
Never grass on another butcher unless he's broken rule one.
Rule three.
Don't jack your job in and run off to Newquay.
You're right, Kieran shouldn't have left like that, but it's done now.
I don't know why you're defending him, he dumped you.
In fact, he dumped me, too.
I was not dumped! We were just mates.
Down in the mouth? No Heartache behind the eyes? Yeah, he dumped on you, all right.
And he's taken a giant dump on me.
Hey, hey, hey! Morning, G-Force.
All set for your starring role? I hate to be negative first thing in the morning - I hate to be negative any time of day - but I'm still not sure that I should be the one manning the customer suggestion tent.
Customer Suggestion Tent? Boring! Come on! Let's have a name with some pizzazz.
I have a very hectic schedule.
I am the store manager, after all.
I hear you, Gavster.
And nine times out of ten, I'd say reach into the beehive and pull out a drone.
I have no idea what you just said.
People are desperate to give us their ideas, yeah? People want to unzip their brains and spray ideas into our faces.
Well, that just sounds borderline offensive.
And who do we want to soak up this ideas shower? Maybe Leighton could The guy with the most absorbent ears in Valco.
Bla-la-la! The guy who sits in The Ideas Fort! Want you back, want you back, Want you back for good! Welcome back! Woo-hoo! You daft cow! Oh, careful! Me tits are red raw.
Little bugger's got teeth now.
It's like putting your nips in a vice.
Awww! And I've got piles.
Awww! And he's puked all down me back and in me hair.
Ugh! I thought you'd left me and all, Margaret.
It's not like you to be late.
Oh, Andy.
Oh, I've been running around like a scoppa diddle this morning.
And then I came in and I saw Gavin camping! In the shop! And I says to him, "What are you camping in the shop for, Gavin?" And he says, "I'm not camping, Margaret", and then he says, "Well, I really must get on.
" Oh, and that reminded me I were late, so I've come rushing over here and now I'm in a right state, Andy, I really am.
Whoa, whoa, calm down.
What's the matter, love? I've not got me ring on.
What? It's being cleaned.
It was supposed to be ready this morning, but it's not.
Why are we whispering? If fellas see I'm not wearing it, they'll think I'm available.
I told you.
Hello, hello! Hello, Anna! I thought you did your shopping yesterday? Oh, we are at work, remember! I need to use the computer in your office, my laptop is broken.
I tell you, for someone with such impressive hand-eye coordination, she's a real butterfingers.
You've not spilt coffee on it again? Nail varnish.
The man in PC World, he say it was the worst thing you can spill on a laptop! So, I can use your office, yeah? Oh, yes, but you must be quick.
Like a quick brown fox! Oh! I'm not sure that foxes actually growl Never mind.
Er, now, Julie, will you show Anna how to log in? Anna, will you just look away when Julie types in my details? Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle you-know-where! Oh! Nothing below the waist, remember? That's not what he said this morning.
Ooh, bit thirsty there, Colin? Just lining me stomach.
Going to cane it tonight.
Oh, big night out, is it? Me mate's birthday.
She's really looking forward to meeting him, aren't you, Lis? Yeah.
Yeah.
Meeting each other's friends, that's a big step.
My ex-wife hated all my friends.
Apart from my best friend Mike, who, of course, she ran off with.
Still, you know what they say, Colin, if you're in love with a beautiful woman, you'd better watch your friends! Well, I'm sure that your friend, erm, what's his name? Two Dicks.
I'm sure that Two Dicks is not like that.
Come on, guys, there's people waiting there.
Oh, my God, there's no need to shout! I didn't.
Just cos you're missing your boyfriend, no need to take it out on us.
He's not my boyfriend.
Er, not now he's left.
Colin.
What? Be a mate and let Lisa serve some customers.
What have you become? A monster.
You know, I remember when I had MY first breakdown.
I used to suffer from terrible mood swings.
Bloody hell! I'm fine! That's what I'm talking about.
Amazing to think it's just water but like, really, really cold.
Can you pass me a lemon? Sorry, mate.
Crap throw.
Why did you drop that? It was perfectly good, that.
I can't catch.
Why not? I don't know, it's my hands.
They just don't like surprises.
Mental! Right, I'm going to teach you.
OK, hands out, like this Just keep your eyes on the lemon as it leaves my hands, and This reminds me of a game I play with Gavin.
I hide and he runs to catch me.
Oh, he's like a wild stallion when his blood is up.
Right, you can look now.
Coming, ready or not! Don't be too long.
Gavin likes to keep this room available at all times.
What is it you're doing, anyway? I want to update my Como se llama? My resume.
Oh, right, your CV.
Make-up girl, florist Dentist? People like a little exaggeration.
It's fun! Hey, maybe I should apply for a job here? If there is a suitable vacancy for which you're actually qualified then I'll let you know.
Julie, you are a wonderful friend! Oh! Oh, no.
That's too much.
Fishy Feet? You put your feet in a fish tank, and tiny carp come and nibble all the tough bits of skin off.
We could put it by the odour eaters in aisle six.
Well it's a health and safety nightmare, Leighton.
Ah, but it's also a 12 mega-tonne mind grenade.
Have you been talking to Richard France? Mmm.
Mr France said if I come up with a hundred suggestions, he'll take me to Head Office.
I could even work there! Just be careful what you wish for, Leighton.
I mean, Head Office, it's another world.
There's no seating plan on the third floor, people just go round "hot-desking".
It's anarchy.
I'm loving that fish idea, Leighton.
How many's that now? Oh, erm, that's 68, Mr France.
Nearly there, buddy! Keep going and remember There's no such thing as a bad idea! God, I love that kid.
Thanks, love.
It's like a red rag to a bull! Lusty little devil.
You just need to give off the right air.
Here's a look I've perfected over the years.
You see? It says, "Yes, you may admire me from a distance, "but my heart is closed for business so don't even" Hello, Andrew.
Sarah, blimey.
How are you? Good.
And you? Erm, yeah, great.
You've left the lid off the hummus pot there, Margaret.
I don't think I did, Andy.
Please go and stand over there, Margaret.
Right-o.
Nice cover unit.
Reinforced Perspex? With a silicate coating.
What you doing back in Warrington? Oh, me Auntie died, so I'm just back to sort stuff out.
Didn't know if you'd still be working here.
Well, I keep trying to leave but they keep promoting me.
I'm head butcher now, so that's good.
Lovely marbling, by the way.
Especially on that sirloin.
Well, I can see you're busy.
Just wanted to say hello.
Goodbye, Andrew.
No, I will not give you a kiss! I said quiche.
I know what I heard! M-O-R-I Yes, I know how to spell Morrisons, madam.
I'm just not sure why we'd want one in our Valco store.
But I like Morrisons.
Don't I get a chocolate? No.
You've been stood there ages, Andy.
Is anything the matter? Ah, it's nothing, Margaret, you don't need to know my troubles.
Righty-o.
But, er, since you asked That woman who was here before, she's an ex-girlfriend of mine.
I broke her heart when I ended it.
I'm just worried I might've bought back some painful memories.
For her, obviously.
Was it a long time ago? Oh, long, long time ago.
Well, she'll be fine, then.
I wouldn't worry.
Well, I wouldn't say fine.
I was the love of her life.
She's probably forgotten all about you by now.
Yeah.
Well, let's hope so, eh? Well, she definitely didn't look bothered.
Not one bit.
Thank you.
Next! Forget it.
Take that, go on, on your way.
Right, take two.
Go on, keep going.
Eyes on the lemon, son, eyes on the lemon.
Yes.
Oh, unlucky, Ray.
Here we go.
Come on, let's do this.
This is the one, this is the one.
Unlucky.
Come on, Ray.
Come on, Ray! Yes! Yes! All right? Yeah.
Erm Oh, yeah, what are you wearing tonight? You what? You're not going to wear that horrible purple top, are you? You know, the one that pushes your tits out like that.
Yeah, I am.
Why? Why don't you wear it with the buttons done right the way up to the top? Why? It's Two Dicks.
You don't know what he's like.
Aw, you worried I'll get off with him? Bang it up your arse.
If you ask nicely.
You've got a nasty little mouth, baby.
Watch I don't make you wash it out.
Five minutes, warehouse? Make it ten.
I need a shit after this pie.
Gavin, I don't mean to stir, but, erm, Anna's still here.
Oh, what an idiot! I know! What does she think this is? A cyber cafe? I meant me.
I've over-sharpened my pencil and the point's broken.
I know Anna can be a little vibrant, but that's what I love about her.
I do hope that you'll like her, Julie.
She's very fond of you.
Oh, and me her.
I'm just thinking of your reputation, Gavin.
Not a very good "eg" to the troops.
Oh, yes.
You're right.
Oh! I need a much higher HB than this, way too brittle! Gavin, are you all right? You seem very ruffled.
Some of these suggestions, Julie.
Look "Beanbags in the magazine area!" I mean, this isn't America! Why don't you take an early lunch? I think you're probably low on blood sugar.
Oh, I think you're right, Julie.
Things always seem better after a medium-sized jacket potato.
No, I didn't say we were in love, I said we had a thing.
A thing? You know, a "thing".
Oh, nice! Yeah, we used to work together on the meat counter.
I've never known a woman cut a brisket like her.
I tell you, you could look at it on the slab and you'd swear it'd been done by a bloke.
How could you resist? Are you talking about your lady friend, Andy? Oh, he were in a right state, Katie, you should've seen him.
I was just worried about her.
I haven't seen her since I broke her heart.
Oh, what happened? Well, she was offered a job in Scarborough, and she didn't know whether to take it or not.
So I asked her to marry me.
You asked her to marry you? Andy Richmond, the lone wolf? I was just doing it to be nice.
Thank God she said no.
So, let me get this straight.
You asked her to marry you, she said no and then she left? Close shave, eh? Lucky escape from the old Well, that's funny, you'd think it would be Andy that were heartbroken, what with her turning him down and that.
But it's not, it's her.
Yeah.
You would think that, Margaret, wouldn't you? Yeah, watch the lemon, Ray.
Yeah, lovely, Ray.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes! Yes, Ray! Whoa! Yeah, yeah! Oh, Ray! Oh, yeah! What's wrong with you? No, no, no There you go.
You're a natural.
Thanks.
That felt really good.
Suppose we should get on with some work, then.
Chuck us that cloth, will you? Sorry, I can't.
What? I can't throw.
Don't forget to let us know your suggestions for improving Valco.
Why not drop in to the Ideas Fort and have a chat to our manager? You're in there.
With Ideas Bomb dot com? Nah.
Why not? He's fit.
Too cheesy.
I bet he'd wash it if you asked him.
That's so wrong! Oh, Anna, you're not still here? Have you seen this singing cat on YouTube? He sings the Bee Gees! You haven't seen Richard, have you? I really need to find him.
Oh, my warrior is angry.
Your face is like forged steel.
Come see this, it will make you feel so much better.
No, no, no, Anna, now is not the time! Oh, no, no, don't be like that! You watch the singing cats, I think about forgiving you.
Oh, very good! Oh, yes! Well, I very much enjoyed that.
Now I do really need to go and find Richard.
Goodbye, my love.
I can assure you, Richard, that we have never been that intimate before on Valco premises before, Richard.
That's not what I've heard.
Now, Richard, look.
I don't want to wave my badge in your face, but I just think that this whole suggestion thing has just got way out of hand.
Gav I know.
I know what you're going to say That you are a star? I know this really wasn't your thing, but you gave it a go, and I, for one, think you're a top bloke.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, Richard.
That's very kind of you.
Hey, you're the sheriff of this store, right? And if you've had enough of the Ideas Fort, then it's gone.
I really do think it's for the best, Richard.
Just let me have all the ideas you got today, and then I can run them over to Martin in the morning.
Martin? Martin? As in Martin Shell? We've got a working brunch at head office tomorrow.
He wants to rap about the best suggestions.
It's no biggie.
Is that the cat that sings the Bee Gees? Yes! Come and see! I love this! Martin Shell is no fool, and as soon as he sees those ideas he's going to blow the whole thing out of the water.
And as Richard says, I am the sheriff of this store, and I'm sure that that counts for something.
"You're the best goddamn sheriff this side of Warrington!" "Well, er, thank you there, pardner.
" "Why, Sheriff Strong, you're so rugged!" "I hope you don't put me across your knee and tan my behind.
" Gavster, one more ideas bomb for you.
Yeah, I think it would've landed by now.
Now, I know you're understaffed at the checkouts.
Oh, don't tell me, you're going to put robots on the tills? No, not robots.
Anna.
Anna?! Hashtag wow factor! She's incredible! Richard, could you just please do me a favour and just don't mention this to Anna? You know, she's very headstrong Isn't it fantastic? Richard said there are vacancies! Yeah, just hold on a minute there, darling, we really need to talk about this.
I know what you're going to say, but it is not your decision.
Julie does the hiring.
Don't you, Julie? Well, sometimes, yes So, if Julie wants me to work here, then will you let her decide? Well, you are the deputy manager, Julie.
So if it's OK with you, then Will you marry me? There you go.
Wear that till yours come back from cleaners.
No rapscallion will bother you any more.
Oh, Andy, you are clever.
And now that we're wed, time for our first dance.
Oh! Awww, sweet! Sarah.
Did you, er, forget something? Yeah.
I forgot to say that reinforced Perspex covers can sometimes make the meat sweat, so you should check your ventilation.
Well, obviously.
And also, do you fancy a pint after work? Er Well, I'll just leave my number and I'd love to.
Well, I'll be in the car park.
He was always a good dancer.
Just doing it for her.
Maybe she can get some closure.
No, fuck off.
What? No, Lisa, you're not wearing that.
What? Fix it.
Are you taking the piss? Yeah.
You're so annoying.
Fix it.
Fix it! I am! Look at those! I know.
Touch 'em.
Kiss 'em.