Undateable (2014) s03e03 Episode Script

Should we go to a party tonight? No way! It is Friday night at 8:00, and that is the best time for staying in and watching television.
Let's see what's on NBC.
Yeah, that's not TV, mate.
That's the new security feed.
Good.
For a second there, I thought NBC had really bottomed out.
Are you just going to stare at me all day? You're right, you're right.
*** I'll try to walk away.
Couldn't do it.
You're gonna have to walk away.
Aww, I want you to walk away first.
- No, you walk away first.
- No, you - You walk away first.
- You walk away first.
Uh-oh! Justin's walking away first! Oh, no.
Wait a second, there's a shark in the bar.
Shark attack! Stop it! You know I love "Shark Attack", but not in front of my lady.
How is it that I had a penis in each hand last night and yet, I'm still not the gayest person in this bar? Justin and Candace are so lame now that they're dating, they kept me up all night with their lame sex talk.
She was like, "you're the one that I want, and he was like "tell me more, tell me more" Danny *** that wasn't sex talk.
We were watching "Grease" and singing along.
That would explain why you said you wanted to "rama-lama-lama Justin's ding-ity ding-dong.
" God help me, I can't resist a good "Grease" sing-along.
How do you keep finding new ways to say things that men never say? I can't believe you thought Justin and I were already sleeping together.
We've only been dating two weeks.
We're ladies.
Right, Les? - How long did you and Mike wait? - Let's see, I met him here in the bar, then I walked him to his car.
How long was that? Okay.
Definitely something wrong with the security feed, because now it's just showing a random crowd Whatever they're watching, they sure seem to be enjoying it.
They should probably tell some friends.
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh-oh-oh oh, oh If you're ever feeling lonely if you're ever feeling down You should know you're not the only one when you're down When the world is on your shoulders Love will set you free Oh, Danny.
I feel like we've known each other for years.
Yeah.
I know.
I can't believe it was just 20 minutes ago that we met on Tinder Heeeeey-uh Hahaha.
.
Kids Hahaha - Oh, just got a text from you.
- You don't have to check it anymore.
It said, "don't come home.
" Hi! I'm Candace.
This is Justin.
My boyfriend.
My beau.
My li'l bitch.
Okay, Don't poke me.
Don't poke me in public.
- Stop it! - You guys are really cute.
Yeah you guys, so cute.
Bye.
- When did you guys meet? - Oh, good, you're asking questions! Justin, can I talk to you over here for a second, please? I've always dreamed of this Me with my bae, you with yours.
If this keeps up, four tickets on a Disney cruise, please.
- Hey man, hey, hey - What the? How do you not understand that you're not wanted here, okay? In about five minutes this is going to be my underwear.
Roger that, I get it.
Yah, I got it.
Roger that.
We'll skedaddle.
My ex-boyfriend Trent was the worst.
He tried to get me into bed before he even knew my last name But, Justin, I'm so lucky I met you.
Not only does he know my last name, but this morning when we snuggled under my comforter.
We call it "the secret blanket" He said if we ever got married he would take my last name.
Uh, Haha.
.
Babe Babe, do you not get the meaning of a secret blanket? Ugh, I keep ending up with guys who are like your ex.
Oh, please.
Danny knows your last name, right, Danny? Ah of course, I know Jenny's last name My name's Judy.
Guys, I would like to introduce you to Jenny Judy.
Hey, did you guys read the news? "Playboy" magazine aren't doing nudes anymore.
That's weird.
Does the Internet still exist? Yeah.
I think I'll be fine.
Take it to church! What does that even mean, Shel? It's my new catchphrase.
When I saw myself on the security feed, it made me think, if I was a TV character, I'd definitely have a popular catchphrase.
Danny, are you seriously mad at me for talking to someone? I was just being nice to that girl.
Yeah, but you took away my chance to be very nice to that girl.
I'm not going to apologize for being kind to someone that you don't even care about.
Hmm.
Take it to church! Hey, man.
- Why do you do that? - Why would I do that? Well, I did that because your girl ruined my night last night, so now, anything that makes you happy, like ice cream, - I'm going to ruin that for you.
- Ignore him.
If anyone needs a smile check out that old couple holding hands.
- Aww that makes me happy.
- Oh, does it? Hey, get outta here! Go on! Yeah, yeah, scram! You oldies! Go on, git! That's it! Hey, nobody messes with my customer.
You wanna go, Danny? Say hi to Marvin and Gaye, because we're about to get it on Oh yeah? Well, let me introduce to Ron Funches because he likes to get high.
Yah! Well I hope you like urban percussion troupes who make music with garbage cans - because I'm about to stomp ya! - Really? Well I hope you like when contestants take five random ingredients and then professional chefs jump them, because you're about to get Ahhh! Chopped! - Are they really about to fight? - I think this is the fight.
Don't worry.
When they run out of jokes it just kind of fades out on its own.
You know what? You're - I hope you like - No, you watch out.
Wait.
I have one.
- Well, do you have one.
- I'm, sorry, man, look Could you just talk to Candace, that wasn't cool OK? No problem, Danny, great fight.
What? Five-second rule.
So, I fixed the screen so it's not the security feed anymore.
I'm watching old reruns of "Scrubs", and that blonde doctor is out boozing.
No, that's actually still the security feed.
She's actually just sitting right there.
Can I please just have a drink in peace without getting recognized? Thank you.
Hey, if you don't want to get recognized, why are you still wearing the same costume for - That show ended five years ago? - Because I'm proud of it.
Okay? Trust me, if by some miracle, you keep this silly show on for nine years, you'll still be walking around wearing that dumb leather jacket.
Bye Bye pretty lady from "Scrubs.
" What I'm trying to say is that my house is Danny's house too.
When he has a girl like Judy over, maybe you don't have to butt in or talk to her so much.
Is that cool? Are we dope? Yeah, totally.
You just want me to keep my big trap shut so Danny can have sex easier.
Right.
Uh oh Huh-uh.
Wait.
- What's happening? - Oh, you're getting your ass handed to you by by 90-pound care bear.
Danny, did you tell Justin to talk to me? Hey, ah, I don't know what you're talking about.
But I think you should listen to your boyfriend.
When are you going to grow up, Danny? - You're a 35-year-old man.
- Hey, I'm 34 1/2, Candace, alright? I'll never say that! I won't say it.
You wanna know something else? - You're middle-aged.
- Ah! Okay ah, all right.
You know what, then? Guess what? You weren't the real star of "Good Luck Charlie.
" The parents were! - Are you going to let him talk to me - Alright! Everybody calm down.
Everybody relax.
Stop, stop, stop stop, stop! Please, please, calm down, okay? This isn't easy for me! Candace is my girl friend and Danny is I mean, Danny is my boyfriend No, no, no.
My point is.
The past is the past.
Nobody cares anymore what happened between me and Candace - and me and Danny and Judy.
- Who's Judy? My God.
The girl you were with last night! - Oh, right Jenny Judy.
- That's no one's name.
Ever.
Never has been.
Hahahahaha, it was fun, we're having fun.
Everybody's happy again.
We're friends, right? Everybody's a team.
We're a team again.
Right? Hands in, please.
Hands in please! Justin told me he's on my side.
He said it under the secret blanket.
I don't think you understand what a secret blanket is.
I'm sorry (***) Danny Did he ever say he was on your side? No.
Actually, no.
You know what? I forgot to bring that up, because, okay, see, the difference between me and you, Candice, he's my boy and doesn't have to use words to communicate with me, okay? Because we have something extracurricular going on, around here I tap into the mainframe, see what he sees in his eyes and that's how he speaks to me.
You know what he's saying right now? Right now he's saying: "oh, Candace is very wrong" and uh-oh, getting a printout.
I'm only 34 1/2.
That's what he said.
Guys, I will not be a weapon that you can use against each other.
I won't be in the middle of this.
Hey, hey, Justin, come to me and show me your loyalty.
Justin, you don't have to do that.
Come to me.
Come over here dude.
Come over here, boy.
Come on, come over here.
You want to go outside.
Want to go for a walk? Come on! Come on.
Come on.
Come! - Hey, hey, hey! - Heel! Don't make me say the four - words you didn't want me to say.
Come on.
- Danny, stop there Shut up, demon You're My Best Frien No.
Stop it.
I want it so bad, but not like this.
I would die for either one of you and you don't see that you're killing me right now! You're mean! Are you laughing? Don't laugh at me.
- I'm not laughing.
- You want me to choose? You want me to choose? Fine.
I choose neither.
You know who I pick? Justin.
He gets me! Nice work, guys.
That's not how you treat someone you care about.
- Whatever.
- Yep.
- I've only got one thing to say.
- I know what it is.
- "Take it to church" - I wasn't going to say that.
Everyone in the bar's going to say it together.
Three Two - One - All: Take it to church! Ah, this bar seems a lot less crowded than that.
Justin, come out.
Seriously.
- Can you come out of there? - I don't want to.
All right.
Danny, look I I will admit most of this was my fault.
I shouldn't have screwed up your night with that girl.
Listen, I I get it.
You know? I realize what you're trying to do.
You're just trying to protect that girl.
No, no, Danny.
I don't care about her.
I care about you.
I ever since I met Justin, everything in my life is better.
I'm kind of hoping that you'd try being with someone you actually care about.
Because I feel it would make you so happy.
That's, a That's really sweet.
You know, I know it's weird, because, you know, you kind of always looked up to me being your hero.
You're not my hero.
Let me finish, though.
Look, I know that it's hard for me to date and find someone and, look, I have a lot of growing up to do in that category, but the truth is, I'm still very young.
I mean, I'm 34 1/2, and I just I feel like I feel like I can, I feel like I can I feel like I can do it.
I just feel like you have to now see me kind of how I how I really am and that kind of embarrasses me.
Danny, I like who you really are.
You OK? No Yeah I'm okay.
Oh, you're oh.
Give me a hug.
Yeah.
Hey Justin, you can come out now.
We made up! - No! I'm still mad.
- I have an idea.
He can't resist a great sing-along.
Summer loving had me a blast Summer loving Happened so fast I met a boy, crazy for me I met a girl, cute as can be Sweetie, just come all the way out.
Only if Danny sings, too! Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far? You have to like it! Tell me more, tell me more like did he have a car Shoo bap bap shoo bap bap, shoo bap bap, yeah! Enough of the "shoo be-baps".
Nobody "shoo be-baps.
" - He's not coming out.
- Justin he's not in here.
- Those summer nights - Tell me more, tell me more You probably should be getting on with your new life, so far away from, so far away from when everything we used to say was wrong is now all right where has the time gone Where has the time gone if you're ever feeling lonely, if you're ever feeling down you should know you're not the only one who's feeling that way now when the world is on your shoulders and you only need me, need me you know love will set you free I took a long and lonely walk up to an empty house that's where I come from where have you come from The more I live the more I know I've got to live without This ain't no sad song, life has to go on If you're ever feeling lonely If you're ever feeling down You should know you’re not the only one ‘cause I feel it with you now When the world is on your shoulders and you’re falling to your knees