United States of Tara s03e03 Episode Script
The Full Fuck You Finger
Previously on "United States of Tara" Charmaine, I want I have got to get this baby out of me! I'm just blown away by how quickly you've been able to recover from mom telling us about Bryce.
I mean, I don't know.
Do you ever think about him? Like maybe trying to find him? No.
Bryce craine? Who are you? They call me "justice.
" Hey, what's the deal, Larry? Huh? You want to take all my clients? Max You'll take everything I got? Settle down.
Come work with orgalawn.
Sell me your business.
How am I gonna get my mom to sign off on that? You haven't told her yet? No.
I haven't been out to see her in fuck, two years.
We all know that I've been trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life.
This company is called "teach abroad.
" Right now, they are hiring tutors for osaka, Japan.
I don't think so, honey.
Get the fuck off me! If you fuck this up for her, you fuck this up for me, and I need her to do this! Mommy? Japan? Japan.
Go.
Yes, mom.
Mm-hmm.
Mom, it'll take a minute.
I'll knock on the door, you'll open the door, sign three copies of a contract, we'll say something nice to each other, and then in a week, you'll get a check, and our lawn-care business will be history.
No, that does not mean that I'm bringing Tara.
I promise.
Love you, too, Sandy.
Okay, Tara sends her love.
Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm hanging up now.
No, mom, you hang up first.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh, sweet holy fuck.
It's been two years since I've talked to that woman, and in 10 minutes, she turns me into a fucking lunatic.
She's an artist that way.
Oh, God.
Please tell me you're looking at porn.
Well, if porn is a disastrous baby shower, thenYeah.
Big-time porn.
What do you mean? Nobody's gonna come? Well, you'll be there.
I'll be there.
If you can get your mom out of her cave, that makesSix.
That ain't happenin'.
Aren't you supposed to be studying right now? I'm doing both.
I'm being a scholar and a good sister.
And a mom whose daughter is abandoning her in the morning.
I'm having trouble with that.
Yeah, some big changes on oak Avenue.
Come on.
The flighty 19-year-old in Japan.
We are either terrible parents orVisionary parents.
I don't know.
Mm, little of both.
And sleep.
Mm.
"Dear parentals, sibling, and preggie aunt.
"I know we all agreed on a kiss and cry this morning, "but I couldn't do it.
"I wouldn't have made it out the door, "and I wouldn't have been able to say what I wanted to say, "which isThis, that, and the other thing.
"First, the this "thank you for putting up with my shameful ass "this past year.
"I sucked and you ruled, "and your patience has been super-appreciated.
"Second, the that "I love you.
"I don't say that nearly as much as I want to "or as much as you, you, you, and you deserve to hear it.
"You are the best people in Kansas "and, I suspect, the whole world, "but I'll make my final report after I've seen more of it.
"Last, the other thing "a word to my soon-to-be niece.
"I am sorry I won't be there "to see you tear open your mom's junk, "but I promise to be back before you can walk.
"In the meantime, tell Marshall to dump Lionel, "your mom to say yes the next time your dad asks, "and your Uncle and aunt not to worry about me.
"I'm finally using my powers for good! "Osaka Kara skibaru shigeru yol! "Roughly translated I will e-mail you from osaka.
Your daughter, sister, niece, and favorite cousin, Kate.
" Well, that's bullshit! You didn't see her go? I found it on the kitchen table, next to her house key.
The girl wanted out.
What a selfish little don't say it, mom.
Bitch.
Thank you.
I think the letter's sincere.
Well, it doesn't matter if it's sincere.
I'm her mother.
I get a goodbye.
Well, she's taking a big risk, and and and she needs our support, in absentia or otherwise.
We should say something kind all of us.
I'll go first.
Sis, I am completely, utterly, totally impressed.
It's gonna be amazing.
Thank you for doing the dishes last night.
Good luck.
Yachimae.
It means "kick some ass" in Japanese.
Nice.
Tara.
Come back soon.
Don't fall in love.
And I love See? See? This is fucked up.
She wants tears, she can take this from me.
This is a smoke-free facility.
Solicitations inside the terminal building are prohibited.
Where are you headed? Business in Chicago By way of St.
Louis.
St.
Louis? Me too.
Same flight St.
Louis to San Francisco, San Francisco to osaka osaka, Japan.
Oh.
You know, osaka is a lot like Chicago.
It's a real economic juggernaut.
live there, and in the morning, another million commute there for work.
It melts the mind, don't it? I'm going there to teach English.
That's something.
Mm-hmm.
I know that you don't know me, but if you would have met me even a month ago, you wouldn't believe it.
I was an f-u-c-k-I-n-g wreck! Pardon my Japanese.
But now look at me.
Kansas City to kansai international airport.
That's the name of it kansai.
Right? Oh! This little man-made island with terminals and some runways surrounded by water, and Kansas City surrounded by land.
And and me, launched in between the two, like a little nerf football.
It'sFated, magical, isn't it? You said osaka, right? Yes.
We have been able to receive footage from security Skykans flight 484 for St.
Louis, Missouri, now boarding royale class and members of our elite kloudklimbers klub.
Uhhhhhhhhhhh Vanilla bean, pumpkin, pumpkin spice, chocolate.
Chocolate banana, chocolate churro.
There's a little churro inside.
How cute is that! Uh-huh.
I can do the same thing with a red-velvet cake with a little peppermint in the center, kind of like a little fetus in a womb you know, it being a shower and all.
Ooh! That would be fantastic! What do you think? You know, I think I have a class in half an hour.
I'm sorry.
How many people at your party? Around 30.
Less than 10.
No, "no responses" are not nos.
It doesn't matter.
Just get whatever you want.
Can we just move it along? You heard the put-upon sister.
Add it up, Mike.
It's "Michelle.
" I'm finishing my degree, big exams next week, and I am feeling the pressure to ace them all.
Neil's in Missouri looking for work.
The shower is on Sunday.
You promised.
"Oh, my God.
I fucked up your wedding.
Let me make it up to you" that's what she said.
It's been Michelle for over a year.
I know the shower's on Sunday.
I'm here.
I am helping, okay? Am I not helping, Michelle? Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, if your idea of helping is sighing at the florist, grunting at the party store, rolling your eyes every time Mike Michelle Sorry.
Every time Michelle here does his her I'm sorry.
You need to change the box.
I know.
To show me my dessert options, yeah, I mean, if your idea of help is sending out a group e-mail to a guest list that I provided and then following that up with a morning Of passive-aggressive companionship, well, then, yes.
You're helper of the year, Tara.
Cupcakes are a nifty little snack.
But that's all they really are, aren't they snacks? Tell me, what do you have in the way of layer cakes? Fascinating.
Coming.
Coming.
I'm coming.
Is that my maxi-million? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Well, look at that.
Look at you.
Look who went and got even taller.
Same height, ma.
How you doing? Oh, fine.
Fine.
Those the papers you want me to sign? Yep.
Okay, so, can you go put them through the mail slot here? Down here.
Hello, belt.
Hello, pants.
I love getting mail.
Feed me! Feed me.
I do that to the mailman.
He gets a kick out of it.
Some kind of arab fellow.
Oh, I like this pen.
I could use the bathroom, ma.
I think I have the same kind of pen.
I get my pens at target.
Ma, come on.
Give me a hug.
Not so many arabs at the target.
I-I'm not sure why they're all at the post office.
Oh.
You were not that tall last time.
Maybe you're shrinking.
Bones on bones? Bones on bones.
How we doing with the house, ma? Okay.
Here here you go.
Okay, I just got to use the restroom.
There's a good one by the sunoco.
You didn't say you would need the bathroom when you called the other day.
Oh, ma.
See? Same pen.
A handwritten invitation on proper stationery along with a pre-stamped rsvp, licked by the lips and sent off in the mail.
That's how it should have been handled.
An e-mail invitation? Tsk-tsk.
I wouldn't send that to a dog.
I told her it was fine.
But you didn't think it was fine.
Well, no, but, you know, she's got all her school stuff, and I know that's making her happy, and school happens five days a week.
A baby shower comes along but once in a very blue moon.
As I see it, priorities are at 6s and 7s.
I'd rather have Tara.
No offense, I'm sure.
And none taken.
Tara is the sister, I know Even though she's not acting like one at the moment.
Well, Kate leaving probably has something to do with it, too.
Oh, you raise them as best you can, and then they toss you aside, like last season's handbag.
Poor Tara.
Her heart is in pieces.
Well, it's probably good she took a few hours off, then.
Mm.
That's what we think.
"We"? All of us on the inside.
We have an arrangement.
It's like that new film with Jack lemmon and Shirley MacLaine.
We each take the key when we need the apartment.
I get the body when the mother needs help.
You're my helper? Mm-hmm.
If you'll have me.
Ooh, she's kicking.
You want to feel? Oh.
Now, now.
I need to get back to these bags.
She doesn't want to kick for me.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Oh! Ohh.
What time is it? Shit! I'm missing my class, and I'm gonna be late for my study group.
Charmaine, I can't believe this.
You knew I had a class.
Don't you dare! Shit! Shit! Shit! Keys! Fuck! Fuck.
It's an act of God.
I get that.
We have tornadoes here, too.
They're no fun, either.
Yeah, well, I figured that the flight would be delayed, but how long until the school can a month? No! I can't wait a month! No! No, no, no! Universe conspiring against her? Uggggh! Hey, 200 people died.
This may not be about Kate.
Do you have any cities that you need English-speaking teachers? Hiroshima? Maybe Kate brings death and destruction wherever she walks.
Any cities that we haven't a-bombed? Hey, your mom uses the half-finger flip.
She uses full.
You? No, I'm full.
Yeah, me too.
Feels better.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, babe, how come you use the half-finger flip? Ohhhhh.
Oh, my God.
Kate! Osaka.
Ohhhh.
Kate killed them.
How was school? There were 20 people in my study group.
They all wanted to be there to see the freak-lady transition.
Did you? Buck wanted out, but I knocked him back.
How was it with Sandy? She signed.
Sold the company.
Marsh and I are gonna go over there tomorrow.
Has it gotten worse? My mother is buried in garbage.
Niigata? Great.
Yes.
You're sending it over right now? You guys are the greatest! Mwah! Oh! Yes! Flying out tomorrow.
Hi, mom.
"Hi, mom"? I'm sorry that I snuck out.
I'm a coward.
I'm sorry.
Hey, maybe you ought to wait the month.
No! It's go or die, dad.
Go or die.
Hey, where is niigata? I don't care.
Somewhere in Japan.
Oh, so you're going to kill again? That's full-finger "fuck you.
" Yours is wimpy.
Hey, this is "fuck you.
" That was just a finger.
Where are you going? To bed.
To sleep.
Perhaps to dream.
Good night, men.
Daughter, you sneak away from me a second time I won't.
I love you.
I have earned my bed.
I have earned my pajamas.
Oh, pajamas are too far away.
Fuck you, pajamas.
Back of head, your best friend The pillow.
Try and hold me down, woman? I think not! Bryce craine! I know you're in there! Open up! Bryce craine, son of Frank craine, born December who the hell are you?! Oh, fuck it.
I'm gonna miss you.
Oh! Pay up, people.
Who bet against me? Oh, everybody.
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Buck won big at the reservation.
Here.
I mean, I don't know if you can use those in Japan, but Okay, do you have your passport? Yes.
We have an address, phone number for you? Mm-hmm.
Yes.
I went over everything with dad.
It's been checked, triple-checked.
Mom, it's okay.
Just make sure you come back soon.
Oh, I love you so much.
I cried the first time.
I'm too tired.
And you smell like a mop factory.
Fair enough.
Ohhh.
All right, family.
Here I go.
Niigata Kara mehru shigeru yol.
Bye.
A note from buck would have been nice.
Well, that's not really buck's style, is it? Not a satisfying answer.
Honey, I got carjack bodyjacked.
I got jacked.
Off to Sandy's.
Get some sleep, mom.
Don't even think about it.
What? I have a test Tuesday.
I have a shower tomorrow.
You promised.
Drop the cards.
Coffee's in the kitchen.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Maxie.
Maxie.
You said you were only taking your things.
I'm just making space, ma.
That's all I'm doing.
What's beaverlamp? Your father's rock-'n'-roll band.
Just would you keep packing? What is that? That's Nancy grace, my new cat.
That means he's ready for his medication.
Glandular problem.
Nancy grace is a he? I named him before I saw he had a penis.
Maxie Don't throw those out.
Your father loves those ducks.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
He's not here.
He's not here now.
Guess what he ain't coming back.
Let go of that duck! You said you were taking your stuff! This is not your stuff! Marsh, would you j I got it.
Grandma? You are going to die in Kansas.
Delayed? If it isn't an earthquake, then it's a problem with the landing wheel.
Flying skykans? Just to Chicago.
Oh, God.
You're beautiful.
"Problems with a landing wheel" is skykans code for "our pilot's drunk.
" And thank you.
What's beyond Chicago? Japan.
Oh.
Teaching English? Yeah.
How did you know? "Get me out of Kansas and my bear dress "before I immolate, see the world, "find my someplace perfect, and never move from that spot.
" I was you once.
Did you find your someplace perfect? Still looking.
Around the world three times, and they pay me to ponder it, be it beach, balcony, or bedroom.
What city in Japan? Niigata.
Oh, dear.
What do you mean, "oh, dear"? I'm sure it's different now.
What? What is that supposed to mean, different? What's in niigata? Oh, hopefully, a swift life lesson and a bullet train back to Tokyo.
* come over here, baby, and talk to me * * sit yourself down on * you really like Christmas, huh? Makes me happier than anything in creation.
People are nicer.
Lights are brighter.
Eggnog.
Who doesn't like Christmas? Jews, maybe? Well, they don't count.
And there are more of us than there are of them, if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
* You're the sweetest thing * Isn't it wonderful? How can they make a tree do that? I don't know.
Batteries, power of Christ.
What was that? I'mSorry that we don't come and visit you more, grandma Sandy.
Your dad doesn't like coming here, and I don't like to leave.
And I need to be near my things.
And I think he's angry that I didn't come to his wedding.
He thinks I'm crazy.
No, he doesn't.
Mm, yes, he does.
And he's right.
I know it.
Your dad is just like your grandfather.
Best thing he did was get away from me.
Hurt my bones so much when he found himself more of it.
Gregson boys just have to have them some crazy.
That's my mom, you know.
Well, we don't get to choose our parents.
You have such soft hands for a boy.
You're a gay, aren't you? I am.
How is that? It's like Christmas every day.
We invited 53 people, and 6 are coming.
No, not counting family, there's 6.
And how many of them bothered to say no? - I don't know.
- You do know 5.
That leaves 42 "friends" who could not be bothered to respond.
I mean, my math skills are awesome, and I have no-response friends.
Oh, look it's a supermarket.
I mean, if you don't want to come to my shower, fine.
Have the courage to announce it.
Let's get in, and we'll get out.
You expend the energy it takes to open an e-mail, move the cursor to the "no" box, click, and send.
That's all I'm asking.
Yeah, keep on kicking, kid.
Your predetermined life of misery and disappointment is three weeks away.
Mommy's friendless.
Daddy's a jobless fatty.
You'll be fat with no friends, too.
Stop yawning.
Are you gonna save anything? No.
Is it okay if I keep some cassettes? And tapes? Is that okay? Yeah.
Are you gonna tell me about beaverlamp? Average beer band.
Weird name.
battle of the bands.
Yeah, we lost to a rush cover band.
That ought to tell you everything you need to know about beaverlamp.
I found this in the Christmas room.
It doesn't have a name on it, so It's for my dad.
No idea why she thought he liked these things.
Twice a year, on Christmas and his birthday, I'd watch his eyes glaze over, get that goddamn fake smile on, and say, "thanks, hon.
Just what I wanted.
" Bet you all the money I have, the day he left, he took one look at that box, knew what was inside, and said, "fuck this," and took off.
You ever think about taking off? I told them that I graduated early with honors, but I took the g.
E.
D.
I said that I got a 710 on the s.
A.
T.
Verbal.
I got a 510.
Application's a snow job.
I'm a cake-sitter, not an English teacher.
What kind of company doesn't do a background check? I'm probably gonna end up with a bunch of American liars people who are trying to escape their past frauds, embezzlers, mafia hit men.
I'm gonna end up chopped up and stuffed in a mattress, and that mattress is gonna end up in an opium den where businessmen and Mongolian prostitutes are going to have sex on top of me.
Why did she say "oh, dear"? Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Oh! That's my ass.
Okay.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Ma'am, is something wrong? Yes.
That plane is going to Japan.
Actually, it's going to St.
Louis.
Yeah, my bad.
I mean I don't know why I'm bringing her into the world.
I will fail her.
I will ruin her.
Oh, Charmaine.
Tara, she's gonna end up hating me, and she'll run off to Japan with Kate, and we'll rot away in a retirement home, waiting for a nurse to mercy-kill us.
I mean, stay inside.
Go back to being a sperm and an egg, because life and people and everything in between just suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck! Okay, this has been a long day a long weekend, but this is the last stop.
I just want there are 11 people coming to your shower.
I know.
One of them is Neil.
In my gut, he comes home with a job, and he is gonna be a great and loving father.
Just as you, my beautiful heart-first sister, is gonna be a great and loving mom.
And if one day she joins Kate in Japan, you will be proud.
And we will clasp our shriveled hands and die happy, knowing we brought fearless women into the world.
But right now You are going to the produce section.
You are going to place these items in your cart and meet me at the checkout, where we will pray my credit will be accepted.
And when God, in her great glory, answers our discover card prayers we will go back home, go to sleep, and wake up to another in a long line of great goddamn days.
Are you with me? I love you.
Ditto.
Okay.
Coffee.
I can do that.
Tara? Cleanup in aisle 8, tubby! Whoo-hoo-hoo! T? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Tara! You will not do this! Tara? Tara? Tara! It's t! Fuck! And all eight months of you is in my way, so step aside.
Thank you so much.
Buh-bye.
Look, I know I pushed you to this.
All right, it's my fault.
I've been a raging hormonal victim bitch all day.
Yeah, sounds about right.
But I need you, t, to tell Tara to come back.
It's okay.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! It's fat Albert! Why don't you just call a cab? You will not do this! You will not do this to me again! You will come back! You will beam up, you will tesseract, or whatever it is the fuck you do, but you will not do this to me again.
Use a condom next time, bitch! Ow.
Oh! What the fuck? No! Oh, shit.
* I only got one face, da-da da-da * * I tried too long to erase * * you know if I left, da-da da-da * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace, da-da da-da * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * if I left you, woman, you know * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * you'd never see me again *
I mean, I don't know.
Do you ever think about him? Like maybe trying to find him? No.
Bryce craine? Who are you? They call me "justice.
" Hey, what's the deal, Larry? Huh? You want to take all my clients? Max You'll take everything I got? Settle down.
Come work with orgalawn.
Sell me your business.
How am I gonna get my mom to sign off on that? You haven't told her yet? No.
I haven't been out to see her in fuck, two years.
We all know that I've been trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life.
This company is called "teach abroad.
" Right now, they are hiring tutors for osaka, Japan.
I don't think so, honey.
Get the fuck off me! If you fuck this up for her, you fuck this up for me, and I need her to do this! Mommy? Japan? Japan.
Go.
Yes, mom.
Mm-hmm.
Mom, it'll take a minute.
I'll knock on the door, you'll open the door, sign three copies of a contract, we'll say something nice to each other, and then in a week, you'll get a check, and our lawn-care business will be history.
No, that does not mean that I'm bringing Tara.
I promise.
Love you, too, Sandy.
Okay, Tara sends her love.
Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm hanging up now.
No, mom, you hang up first.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh, sweet holy fuck.
It's been two years since I've talked to that woman, and in 10 minutes, she turns me into a fucking lunatic.
She's an artist that way.
Oh, God.
Please tell me you're looking at porn.
Well, if porn is a disastrous baby shower, thenYeah.
Big-time porn.
What do you mean? Nobody's gonna come? Well, you'll be there.
I'll be there.
If you can get your mom out of her cave, that makesSix.
That ain't happenin'.
Aren't you supposed to be studying right now? I'm doing both.
I'm being a scholar and a good sister.
And a mom whose daughter is abandoning her in the morning.
I'm having trouble with that.
Yeah, some big changes on oak Avenue.
Come on.
The flighty 19-year-old in Japan.
We are either terrible parents orVisionary parents.
I don't know.
Mm, little of both.
And sleep.
Mm.
"Dear parentals, sibling, and preggie aunt.
"I know we all agreed on a kiss and cry this morning, "but I couldn't do it.
"I wouldn't have made it out the door, "and I wouldn't have been able to say what I wanted to say, "which isThis, that, and the other thing.
"First, the this "thank you for putting up with my shameful ass "this past year.
"I sucked and you ruled, "and your patience has been super-appreciated.
"Second, the that "I love you.
"I don't say that nearly as much as I want to "or as much as you, you, you, and you deserve to hear it.
"You are the best people in Kansas "and, I suspect, the whole world, "but I'll make my final report after I've seen more of it.
"Last, the other thing "a word to my soon-to-be niece.
"I am sorry I won't be there "to see you tear open your mom's junk, "but I promise to be back before you can walk.
"In the meantime, tell Marshall to dump Lionel, "your mom to say yes the next time your dad asks, "and your Uncle and aunt not to worry about me.
"I'm finally using my powers for good! "Osaka Kara skibaru shigeru yol! "Roughly translated I will e-mail you from osaka.
Your daughter, sister, niece, and favorite cousin, Kate.
" Well, that's bullshit! You didn't see her go? I found it on the kitchen table, next to her house key.
The girl wanted out.
What a selfish little don't say it, mom.
Bitch.
Thank you.
I think the letter's sincere.
Well, it doesn't matter if it's sincere.
I'm her mother.
I get a goodbye.
Well, she's taking a big risk, and and and she needs our support, in absentia or otherwise.
We should say something kind all of us.
I'll go first.
Sis, I am completely, utterly, totally impressed.
It's gonna be amazing.
Thank you for doing the dishes last night.
Good luck.
Yachimae.
It means "kick some ass" in Japanese.
Nice.
Tara.
Come back soon.
Don't fall in love.
And I love See? See? This is fucked up.
She wants tears, she can take this from me.
This is a smoke-free facility.
Solicitations inside the terminal building are prohibited.
Where are you headed? Business in Chicago By way of St.
Louis.
St.
Louis? Me too.
Same flight St.
Louis to San Francisco, San Francisco to osaka osaka, Japan.
Oh.
You know, osaka is a lot like Chicago.
It's a real economic juggernaut.
live there, and in the morning, another million commute there for work.
It melts the mind, don't it? I'm going there to teach English.
That's something.
Mm-hmm.
I know that you don't know me, but if you would have met me even a month ago, you wouldn't believe it.
I was an f-u-c-k-I-n-g wreck! Pardon my Japanese.
But now look at me.
Kansas City to kansai international airport.
That's the name of it kansai.
Right? Oh! This little man-made island with terminals and some runways surrounded by water, and Kansas City surrounded by land.
And and me, launched in between the two, like a little nerf football.
It'sFated, magical, isn't it? You said osaka, right? Yes.
We have been able to receive footage from security Skykans flight 484 for St.
Louis, Missouri, now boarding royale class and members of our elite kloudklimbers klub.
Uhhhhhhhhhhh Vanilla bean, pumpkin, pumpkin spice, chocolate.
Chocolate banana, chocolate churro.
There's a little churro inside.
How cute is that! Uh-huh.
I can do the same thing with a red-velvet cake with a little peppermint in the center, kind of like a little fetus in a womb you know, it being a shower and all.
Ooh! That would be fantastic! What do you think? You know, I think I have a class in half an hour.
I'm sorry.
How many people at your party? Around 30.
Less than 10.
No, "no responses" are not nos.
It doesn't matter.
Just get whatever you want.
Can we just move it along? You heard the put-upon sister.
Add it up, Mike.
It's "Michelle.
" I'm finishing my degree, big exams next week, and I am feeling the pressure to ace them all.
Neil's in Missouri looking for work.
The shower is on Sunday.
You promised.
"Oh, my God.
I fucked up your wedding.
Let me make it up to you" that's what she said.
It's been Michelle for over a year.
I know the shower's on Sunday.
I'm here.
I am helping, okay? Am I not helping, Michelle? Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, if your idea of helping is sighing at the florist, grunting at the party store, rolling your eyes every time Mike Michelle Sorry.
Every time Michelle here does his her I'm sorry.
You need to change the box.
I know.
To show me my dessert options, yeah, I mean, if your idea of help is sending out a group e-mail to a guest list that I provided and then following that up with a morning Of passive-aggressive companionship, well, then, yes.
You're helper of the year, Tara.
Cupcakes are a nifty little snack.
But that's all they really are, aren't they snacks? Tell me, what do you have in the way of layer cakes? Fascinating.
Coming.
Coming.
I'm coming.
Is that my maxi-million? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Well, look at that.
Look at you.
Look who went and got even taller.
Same height, ma.
How you doing? Oh, fine.
Fine.
Those the papers you want me to sign? Yep.
Okay, so, can you go put them through the mail slot here? Down here.
Hello, belt.
Hello, pants.
I love getting mail.
Feed me! Feed me.
I do that to the mailman.
He gets a kick out of it.
Some kind of arab fellow.
Oh, I like this pen.
I could use the bathroom, ma.
I think I have the same kind of pen.
I get my pens at target.
Ma, come on.
Give me a hug.
Not so many arabs at the target.
I-I'm not sure why they're all at the post office.
Oh.
You were not that tall last time.
Maybe you're shrinking.
Bones on bones? Bones on bones.
How we doing with the house, ma? Okay.
Here here you go.
Okay, I just got to use the restroom.
There's a good one by the sunoco.
You didn't say you would need the bathroom when you called the other day.
Oh, ma.
See? Same pen.
A handwritten invitation on proper stationery along with a pre-stamped rsvp, licked by the lips and sent off in the mail.
That's how it should have been handled.
An e-mail invitation? Tsk-tsk.
I wouldn't send that to a dog.
I told her it was fine.
But you didn't think it was fine.
Well, no, but, you know, she's got all her school stuff, and I know that's making her happy, and school happens five days a week.
A baby shower comes along but once in a very blue moon.
As I see it, priorities are at 6s and 7s.
I'd rather have Tara.
No offense, I'm sure.
And none taken.
Tara is the sister, I know Even though she's not acting like one at the moment.
Well, Kate leaving probably has something to do with it, too.
Oh, you raise them as best you can, and then they toss you aside, like last season's handbag.
Poor Tara.
Her heart is in pieces.
Well, it's probably good she took a few hours off, then.
Mm.
That's what we think.
"We"? All of us on the inside.
We have an arrangement.
It's like that new film with Jack lemmon and Shirley MacLaine.
We each take the key when we need the apartment.
I get the body when the mother needs help.
You're my helper? Mm-hmm.
If you'll have me.
Ooh, she's kicking.
You want to feel? Oh.
Now, now.
I need to get back to these bags.
She doesn't want to kick for me.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Oh! Ohh.
What time is it? Shit! I'm missing my class, and I'm gonna be late for my study group.
Charmaine, I can't believe this.
You knew I had a class.
Don't you dare! Shit! Shit! Shit! Keys! Fuck! Fuck.
It's an act of God.
I get that.
We have tornadoes here, too.
They're no fun, either.
Yeah, well, I figured that the flight would be delayed, but how long until the school can a month? No! I can't wait a month! No! No, no, no! Universe conspiring against her? Uggggh! Hey, 200 people died.
This may not be about Kate.
Do you have any cities that you need English-speaking teachers? Hiroshima? Maybe Kate brings death and destruction wherever she walks.
Any cities that we haven't a-bombed? Hey, your mom uses the half-finger flip.
She uses full.
You? No, I'm full.
Yeah, me too.
Feels better.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, babe, how come you use the half-finger flip? Ohhhhh.
Oh, my God.
Kate! Osaka.
Ohhhh.
Kate killed them.
How was school? There were 20 people in my study group.
They all wanted to be there to see the freak-lady transition.
Did you? Buck wanted out, but I knocked him back.
How was it with Sandy? She signed.
Sold the company.
Marsh and I are gonna go over there tomorrow.
Has it gotten worse? My mother is buried in garbage.
Niigata? Great.
Yes.
You're sending it over right now? You guys are the greatest! Mwah! Oh! Yes! Flying out tomorrow.
Hi, mom.
"Hi, mom"? I'm sorry that I snuck out.
I'm a coward.
I'm sorry.
Hey, maybe you ought to wait the month.
No! It's go or die, dad.
Go or die.
Hey, where is niigata? I don't care.
Somewhere in Japan.
Oh, so you're going to kill again? That's full-finger "fuck you.
" Yours is wimpy.
Hey, this is "fuck you.
" That was just a finger.
Where are you going? To bed.
To sleep.
Perhaps to dream.
Good night, men.
Daughter, you sneak away from me a second time I won't.
I love you.
I have earned my bed.
I have earned my pajamas.
Oh, pajamas are too far away.
Fuck you, pajamas.
Back of head, your best friend The pillow.
Try and hold me down, woman? I think not! Bryce craine! I know you're in there! Open up! Bryce craine, son of Frank craine, born December who the hell are you?! Oh, fuck it.
I'm gonna miss you.
Oh! Pay up, people.
Who bet against me? Oh, everybody.
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Buck won big at the reservation.
Here.
I mean, I don't know if you can use those in Japan, but Okay, do you have your passport? Yes.
We have an address, phone number for you? Mm-hmm.
Yes.
I went over everything with dad.
It's been checked, triple-checked.
Mom, it's okay.
Just make sure you come back soon.
Oh, I love you so much.
I cried the first time.
I'm too tired.
And you smell like a mop factory.
Fair enough.
Ohhh.
All right, family.
Here I go.
Niigata Kara mehru shigeru yol.
Bye.
A note from buck would have been nice.
Well, that's not really buck's style, is it? Not a satisfying answer.
Honey, I got carjack bodyjacked.
I got jacked.
Off to Sandy's.
Get some sleep, mom.
Don't even think about it.
What? I have a test Tuesday.
I have a shower tomorrow.
You promised.
Drop the cards.
Coffee's in the kitchen.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Maxie.
Maxie.
You said you were only taking your things.
I'm just making space, ma.
That's all I'm doing.
What's beaverlamp? Your father's rock-'n'-roll band.
Just would you keep packing? What is that? That's Nancy grace, my new cat.
That means he's ready for his medication.
Glandular problem.
Nancy grace is a he? I named him before I saw he had a penis.
Maxie Don't throw those out.
Your father loves those ducks.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
He's not here.
He's not here now.
Guess what he ain't coming back.
Let go of that duck! You said you were taking your stuff! This is not your stuff! Marsh, would you j I got it.
Grandma? You are going to die in Kansas.
Delayed? If it isn't an earthquake, then it's a problem with the landing wheel.
Flying skykans? Just to Chicago.
Oh, God.
You're beautiful.
"Problems with a landing wheel" is skykans code for "our pilot's drunk.
" And thank you.
What's beyond Chicago? Japan.
Oh.
Teaching English? Yeah.
How did you know? "Get me out of Kansas and my bear dress "before I immolate, see the world, "find my someplace perfect, and never move from that spot.
" I was you once.
Did you find your someplace perfect? Still looking.
Around the world three times, and they pay me to ponder it, be it beach, balcony, or bedroom.
What city in Japan? Niigata.
Oh, dear.
What do you mean, "oh, dear"? I'm sure it's different now.
What? What is that supposed to mean, different? What's in niigata? Oh, hopefully, a swift life lesson and a bullet train back to Tokyo.
* come over here, baby, and talk to me * * sit yourself down on * you really like Christmas, huh? Makes me happier than anything in creation.
People are nicer.
Lights are brighter.
Eggnog.
Who doesn't like Christmas? Jews, maybe? Well, they don't count.
And there are more of us than there are of them, if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
* You're the sweetest thing * Isn't it wonderful? How can they make a tree do that? I don't know.
Batteries, power of Christ.
What was that? I'mSorry that we don't come and visit you more, grandma Sandy.
Your dad doesn't like coming here, and I don't like to leave.
And I need to be near my things.
And I think he's angry that I didn't come to his wedding.
He thinks I'm crazy.
No, he doesn't.
Mm, yes, he does.
And he's right.
I know it.
Your dad is just like your grandfather.
Best thing he did was get away from me.
Hurt my bones so much when he found himself more of it.
Gregson boys just have to have them some crazy.
That's my mom, you know.
Well, we don't get to choose our parents.
You have such soft hands for a boy.
You're a gay, aren't you? I am.
How is that? It's like Christmas every day.
We invited 53 people, and 6 are coming.
No, not counting family, there's 6.
And how many of them bothered to say no? - I don't know.
- You do know 5.
That leaves 42 "friends" who could not be bothered to respond.
I mean, my math skills are awesome, and I have no-response friends.
Oh, look it's a supermarket.
I mean, if you don't want to come to my shower, fine.
Have the courage to announce it.
Let's get in, and we'll get out.
You expend the energy it takes to open an e-mail, move the cursor to the "no" box, click, and send.
That's all I'm asking.
Yeah, keep on kicking, kid.
Your predetermined life of misery and disappointment is three weeks away.
Mommy's friendless.
Daddy's a jobless fatty.
You'll be fat with no friends, too.
Stop yawning.
Are you gonna save anything? No.
Is it okay if I keep some cassettes? And tapes? Is that okay? Yeah.
Are you gonna tell me about beaverlamp? Average beer band.
Weird name.
battle of the bands.
Yeah, we lost to a rush cover band.
That ought to tell you everything you need to know about beaverlamp.
I found this in the Christmas room.
It doesn't have a name on it, so It's for my dad.
No idea why she thought he liked these things.
Twice a year, on Christmas and his birthday, I'd watch his eyes glaze over, get that goddamn fake smile on, and say, "thanks, hon.
Just what I wanted.
" Bet you all the money I have, the day he left, he took one look at that box, knew what was inside, and said, "fuck this," and took off.
You ever think about taking off? I told them that I graduated early with honors, but I took the g.
E.
D.
I said that I got a 710 on the s.
A.
T.
Verbal.
I got a 510.
Application's a snow job.
I'm a cake-sitter, not an English teacher.
What kind of company doesn't do a background check? I'm probably gonna end up with a bunch of American liars people who are trying to escape their past frauds, embezzlers, mafia hit men.
I'm gonna end up chopped up and stuffed in a mattress, and that mattress is gonna end up in an opium den where businessmen and Mongolian prostitutes are going to have sex on top of me.
Why did she say "oh, dear"? Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Oh! That's my ass.
Okay.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Ma'am, is something wrong? Yes.
That plane is going to Japan.
Actually, it's going to St.
Louis.
Yeah, my bad.
I mean I don't know why I'm bringing her into the world.
I will fail her.
I will ruin her.
Oh, Charmaine.
Tara, she's gonna end up hating me, and she'll run off to Japan with Kate, and we'll rot away in a retirement home, waiting for a nurse to mercy-kill us.
I mean, stay inside.
Go back to being a sperm and an egg, because life and people and everything in between just suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck! Okay, this has been a long day a long weekend, but this is the last stop.
I just want there are 11 people coming to your shower.
I know.
One of them is Neil.
In my gut, he comes home with a job, and he is gonna be a great and loving father.
Just as you, my beautiful heart-first sister, is gonna be a great and loving mom.
And if one day she joins Kate in Japan, you will be proud.
And we will clasp our shriveled hands and die happy, knowing we brought fearless women into the world.
But right now You are going to the produce section.
You are going to place these items in your cart and meet me at the checkout, where we will pray my credit will be accepted.
And when God, in her great glory, answers our discover card prayers we will go back home, go to sleep, and wake up to another in a long line of great goddamn days.
Are you with me? I love you.
Ditto.
Okay.
Coffee.
I can do that.
Tara? Cleanup in aisle 8, tubby! Whoo-hoo-hoo! T? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Tara! You will not do this! Tara? Tara? Tara! It's t! Fuck! And all eight months of you is in my way, so step aside.
Thank you so much.
Buh-bye.
Look, I know I pushed you to this.
All right, it's my fault.
I've been a raging hormonal victim bitch all day.
Yeah, sounds about right.
But I need you, t, to tell Tara to come back.
It's okay.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! It's fat Albert! Why don't you just call a cab? You will not do this! You will not do this to me again! You will come back! You will beam up, you will tesseract, or whatever it is the fuck you do, but you will not do this to me again.
Use a condom next time, bitch! Ow.
Oh! What the fuck? No! Oh, shit.
* I only got one face, da-da da-da * * I tried too long to erase * * you know if I left, da-da da-da * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace, da-da da-da * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * if I left you, woman, you know * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * I wouldn't leave a trace * * you'd never see me again *