Vikingane (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

1
Jarl Varg deserves to die
in the most gruesome manner
for what he did to my family.
And so it is extremely important
that everyone keep their mouth shut
about our plan.
No bragging about us assembling an army
to overthrow Jarl Varg,
and things like that.
I can't stress enough how important it is
that Jarl Varg does not get wind of this.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
You can definitely rely on me.
I won't say a word to Jarl Varg.
- Good.
- In exchange for a handsome reward,
or my name isn't Vidkun the Treacherous.
That name doesn't exactly
inspire confidence.
What? Hmm?
- Vidkun?
- No, the other name.
Your last name. "The Treacherous."
Okay.
I actually thought you were a leader
that judged people based on their merits,
not their names, but
maybe I was mistaken. Hm.
No, of course not,
but, I mean, it's a special name.
I mean, it's special to be called
"the Treacherous."
Sure.
But most likely I got that name because
I'm so incredibly trustworthy.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Because I've kept so many secrets
over the years
that it's almost overwhelming,
so they gave me this ironic nickname.
It's just that I've never heard about
ironic Viking names before.
Right, okay.
So, I take it you've heard
every Viking name in all of Norway?
- No.
- No, exactly.
Because then we wouldn't
be having this conversation.
Because there's a lot of people
with ironic names.
A lot of people, all around.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And when it comes to
my treacherous-looking face,
- it's mostly the same deal.
- Yeah?
You know, don't judge the book
by its cover, and all that.
So, the fact that I look treacherous
means I'm actually not.
You know, you're absolutely right.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
But anyway, it's extremely important
that no one reveals that I am planning
a large-scale campaign against Jarl Varg.
It has to come as a surprise.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay. I won't let you down, Jarl Bjørn.
I swear
on my honor.
And here's the groom.
- You wanted to talk about something?
- Yes, yes um,
there was something at your bachelor party
that was a bit disturbing.
It got pretty wild. But boys will be boys.
It didn't get wild at all,
but there was something else.
That part about, uh
intimacy with the opposite sex.
Yeah, I know all about that.
- Yeah, but
- Yeah.
- You can never know too much, Orm.
- Oh, yes, you can.
No. And your wedding night is approaching,
and Frøya, you know,
she has, uh, been around.
So, uh
I thought we should have
a refresher course in here.
But
- You want us to go inside and
- Yes. Now.
Yes, it's quite unorthodox,
but, I suppose, as brothers,
it's kind of natural as well,
when you think about it, so
But, maybe then, you can start on me,
and then I'll penetrate you afterwards.
Or are you sexing me first?
- It makes no difference.
- What No, not at all.
- Orm, no, nothing like that.
- No No, I know.
Because that would be very unusual.
I just Because you were No. No, no.
Bygones.
There I am in position.
- Are you comfortable?
- Yes.
So, that's when the sexual interaction
between man and woman begins.
So, now I insert the needle
into the vagina.
- Once?
- No, repeatedly.
Ooh, yeah.
Yes, and that's very pleasing
for the woman.
Then you find a nice rhythm.
Now you can have a chant going in
your head. Then you keep that rhythm.
Like this.
Pay attention now.
You're not paying attention, Orm.
'Cause if you make an arch
with your back now,
it's very pleasurable for the woman.
And then you can look at the woman's face
and see that she's very satisfied.
And you can increase the rhythm.
And that's how you produce
a fountain orgasm, Orm.
But that's more advanced materials.
Yes!
But that's the next step.
You shouldn't go there quite yet.
You should just focus on the geography,
for starters.
Yes, question.
Um, just to clarify,
the sac with balls in it
It's just supposed to dangle there,
aimlessly?
It's not supposed to be inserted anywhere?
No.
Oh, so the sac isn't supposed
to go into the other hole?
- What? No, no, no.
- No?
But they could just as well, right?
I mean, it isn't impossible.
That's more or less a question
of what you're used to, right?
It's simply not how it works, Orm,
I'm sorry.
No, but it could work that way. That's my point.
No, but that's not the point,
because that's not how it works.
No, maybe not in Norway,
but in other countries
it may very well be the norm,
as far as we know.
- I strongly doubt it.
- Yes, but you don't know.
In other countries,
it may be completely unnatural
to sex without sticking your sac
into the back hole.
- No.
- Yes, and then they
have the same discussion there
as we're having now, just the opposite.
That's my point.
But apart from that, it was
interesting.
That's exactly what I was afraid of.
They totally bonded
after that bachelor party last night.
It was a little bit of a bummer
that we missed it.
Speaking of which
have you heard anything else about
the seating arrangement?
We gonna sit together?
We have to sit together, Varg.
I just get so stressed thinking about
small talk with strangers.
I get the impression that everyone
is good at it but me.
Frøya, are you in there?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're still here.
No cold feet or anything?
Why would I get that?
No, no reason. No reason at all.
Yeah, Frøya
now you're going to be
one of my closest warriors,
so you're gonna need a little equipment.
Here's the latest in sword,
ax and dagger, yeah.
Not that so much has happened
in that field the last,
let's say 1,000 years, but uh
this is supposed to be the latest.
And then I had leather armor made for you.
I I wasn't quite sure about, um
but, yeah, see if you can use it.
And, Frøya, I had a wedding dress
sewn for you,
because, you know, your clothes are
different.
Okay.
You will look radiant.
Yes. Yeah.
Just, uh one little thing.
Don't go around digging about how Orm is
as a person and stuff like that.
That's my clear advice.
Why?
Um you know.
Lots of envious people talk.
Yeah, that's what I mean. People talk.
- Wow, look at him.
- Wow!
Feels a bit strange, I've never met
the person I'm about to marry.
You've been very fortunate,
to say the least.
- You'll do great, Orm.
- You bet.
I'm just going to be myself.
That's my plan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or I'm thinking,
maybe not be too much yourself?
Good point.
Why not?
I'm saying this only to help you, Orm,
I really want you to understand that.
But you have a slight tendency
to be a little clingy.
Some people sometimes feel that you
could be a little bit intense.
Yes, and very, very suffocating.
You are.
You are intense and clingy
and suffocating.
There, I said it.
The cat's out of the bag.
- Orm
- And you, too, Hildur, by the way.
When I think about it,
you have a very clingy personality.
Orm, it was just well-meaning advice.
"Don't be yourself."
- Worst advice ever is duly noted.
- Orm!
By Thor and Odin.
This is a veritable bonanza
of powerful people.
Oh. Well
Just one glance at the power elite
and my clit pops to attention.
Well
- Is this seat available?
- I think there are some seats here, yeah.
So, then, we are at the wedding.
- What?
- Yeah.
- We are at the wedding.
- Oh, yeah, we are at the wedding.
- Yeah, that's true.
- Yes.
I have to hurry and rub one out now.
Yeah!
Well, it's been a while.
Maybe that would be a little exciting.
- Mm.
- A little "daring" and
improper, even.
Come on, let's go.
You just stay put, Olvar.
This is something I have to do on my own.
Yeah
So, uh, what's your connection
to the bride and groom?
- Uh. We know the groom.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we're from Norheim.
- From here.
You're from here?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You enjoy living in Norheim?
Yeah, it's, uh it's nice.
- Mm.
- Sure.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, I just had time to
look around a little
before things started up here, so
And it looks real nice.
- Yeah, it's
- In good condition, and it's
You know. Yeah. I guess "good condition"
is the way to put it.
- Yeah, I guess you can say that. It's
- Yeah.
Although, it's a little exposed
to the elements, but
Yeah, that's why we live up here
in the north.
This country is an acquired taste.
- A what?
- An acquired taste.
Yeah Yeah.
Okay.
I have to be allowed to joke a little bit.
Oh, that was You were joking!
- I was joking.
- Yeah, okay, I didn't get it.
I like joking every now and then.
So much is serious and miserable
in these Viking times.
- Yeah, that's true.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You can't help but complain.
Isn't that what they say?
I don't know, is it?
- I'm sure it is, since you say it.
- Yeah. It is.
That was a joke, too.
- Okay.
- Wow.
Can I have some more to drink?
He is perfect.
She is perfect. What I just said, she is perfect.
That's why I keep going on about
our vision
being the most important sense.
I mean, we register up to 80%
of impressions
through our eyes.
And if other senses, like the sense
of smell or the sense of taste,
should stop working, the eyes are
what best protect us against danger.
The eyes rule,
they are indispensable.
Sorry for interrupting, but does anyone feel
like getting blóted?
Anyone feel the call?
Tina?
But blóting, what is it, exactly?
You're sliced open and drained of blood.
And then the Vikings use that blood
to decorate the bride and groom,
and then they feed your body to the pigs.
- It's very honorable, just so that's said.
- Mm.
I mean, it doesn't sound
all that honorable,
to be sliced open and bled out
like some kind of party trick.
Well, when you put it that way,
it's not very tempting,
but it's a lot more than that.
You get to be the center of attention
at the party for a brief moment.
Maybe you can find some meaning in that.
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm pretty sure that God's plan for me
does not include being sacrificed
in some ritual.
Can't we just go democratic
and vote on it?
Yeah, I think that's fair.
Yeah, that's mega-fair.
I mean, then it could be any one of us.
So, everyone in favor
of sacrificing, um
Vegard, raise your hand.
Okay, I actually reserve the right
to disagree with the majority here.
Yes, but the motive of each individual
weighs the same
in collective decision-making.
Good point,
and we have to have decision equality.
Anything else would be madness.
Yes.
But I have the right
to be a bit disappointed. Thank you.
Where was I?
The eyes. When you wake up in the morning,
what's the first thing you do?
You open your eyes.
Orm.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
This is exciting, no?
- A brand-new chapter in life, and all.
- Yeah.
You look, uh pretty strong, I must say.
- Very
- Yeah?
Muscle arms and all.
To me, that's very appealing.
- Yeah?
- Oh, yes.
Well, I guess I've always been a tomboy.
Me, too.
- Hm?
- Or what is it they've always said?
Uh, a a
a girl boy.
Yeah.
Here
is a gift from me to you,
wishing you all the best and a happy
long marriage.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.
Exciting. Can we open now?
Yes, please.
Wow.
Toothies.
- From human?
- Yes, this is an assorted selection.
Here, we have a peg leg.
A redhead.
Midget. A Mongoloid.
And a hooker.
- Orm, don't you like them?
- No, no, no. I like them.
I like them, uh, very much. I enjoy teeth.
Oh, that's very good.
It would be so sad if
this wonderful gift
only collected dust.
No, no, no, uh
it's a fantastic gift.
And we both appreciate it, uh, immensely.
I'm pleased with that.
- Is this from Jarl Bjørn?
- Yes.
That's a fantastic gift.
Unfortunately he couldn't be here,
but I hear he's a wonderful man.
- He's alive?
- Yes.
It looks to me like you're
getting a bit thin up top, Varg.
Male pattern baldness!
Male pattern baldness!
Male pattern baldness!
Varg, you have a receding hairline.
- Thick hair is more important
- Than a thick cock.
No one can love a bald man.
It appears I have work to do.
Dear friends,
only one item remains
for this marriage to be complete.
The sacrifice of a slave.
Please promise me
that this marriage will last.
Otherwise, this feels kind of pointless
from my perspective.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Yeah, sure, marriage, uh, is for life.
Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause I'm sacrificing my life here.
So, it would be nice to know
- that it's actually worth it.
- Yes, yes, yes.
But enough about that,
and enough about you.
Yeah, sorry.
Woo-hoo!
Just imagine, Frøya, from now on
it's just you and me
for the rest of our lives,
every day and every night.
- Imagine that.
- Yes. Every morning when you wake up,
I'll be there, and every night
when you go to bed, I'll be there.
And, yeah.
Well, uh, it may be a good idea
to have some time alone, too.
Or maybe not. I'm thinking more like
every meal together
and every vacation together.
And your friends are now my friends,
and my friends are yours. And then,
we can have hobbies together as well,
so we get even more time together.
Do you crochet?
- No.
- No.
What about your knitting?
That's almost just the same.
- No.
- No?
No Uh, songs and poetry,
is that maybe a common passion?
- No.
- No.
Or pine cone animals, do you make those?
- No.
- No?
Do you collect pearls?
- No.
- No? Do you collect ordinary seashells?
- No.
- No.
But no matter what, I know you're
gonna love those things very soon,
- and no matter what, we'll be inseparable.
- Yes.
- We'll be like peas in a pod.
- Yes.
We'll be like those twins
that are connected from birth,
that we haven't given a specific name yet.
Just
Did anything happen while I was gone?
Well, they got married.
It was a beautiful ceremony.
- Full of tears and
- Sorry, I kind of lost myself out there.
- Yeah.
- The hours just flew by.
I had to go for a double.
Right.
But I still have tons
of sexual tension in my body.
Well, I'm at your service.
Can you give me some bread?
I'm starving. I have to Mm.
There you go.
Stop it!
- Hund.
- We were just talking here,
but I was just taking a little breather
from talking.
- We are leaving.
- Are you okay?
I feel great.
Huge plans of vengeance
are growing inside me.
Come.
- Everything okay, Varg?
- Yes.
I'm taking 10% of all the presents.
You're taking presents?
Yes. Taxes. Standard procedure.
And Odin knows,
we need all the taxes
we can get these days.
Okay.
Anything in particular going on?
Dark clouds are on the horizon, Olav.
War
is brewing.
I see, but, um
aren't we pretty much at war all the time?
Yes, but a little bit bigger war
than before.
A little bit bigger war is brewing
than before, Olav.
Let's see. Let's see.
There we are No.
No, wait, wait.
Is it supposed to be impossible
to find your own pee stick?
No, it shouldn't be.
No, but it's There!
There it was, the little rascal.
Let's see. Let's see.
- Am I inside you now?
- No.
There! I am inside.
Fabulous.
What a feeling.
- Wonderful.
- Still not inside me.
What?
Then I must ask you to double-check,
because I am absolutely certain
that I am actually inside of you.
No.
No. Turn around.
-Then there. Like that.
-Woo!
Like that. Like that!
That was something else.