Weird Science s03e03 Episode Script

You make man? No.
Woman.
Woman? THEME SONG: Weird science! Pictures from a magazine.
Diagrams and charts.
Mending broken hearts and making weird science! Something like a recipe.
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces.
My creation! Is it real? It's my creation! Ooh! My creation! It's my creation! No heart of gold, it's flesh and blood! I do not know.
It's my creation! Ooh! My creation! It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? It's alive! Alive! GIRLS: Farber High School! Yeah! GIRLS: Farber High School! Gary? Hello? Hold on! You ever seen talent like that? She almost never drops it.
COACH: Good job, Alice! She's great, Gar.
So you gonna go with me or not? Sorry, Wyatt, I'm not going with you to the retirement home to see your nana.
I got plans of my own.
GIRLS: Go, Farber! Go, Farber! Go, go, go! [WHISTLE BLOWING.]
COACH: Great job, girls! See you tomorrow! Great double twisty flippy twirly thing.
Thanks, Gar.
I can't believe you're at practice again.
It's, like, so sweet! That's me-- sweet.
Oh, Gary! Did you hear about Rachel and Steve? Uh, no, I didn't.
Oh my gosh! They completely got into this huge fight.
And Rachel told Steve that she was gonna go out with other people.
And Steve totally freaked out.
He was like, no way! And Rachel's like, nu-uh.
And he goes, fine, then I am too.
And she's like, go ahead! And he's all, fine.
And she goes, fine.
And he was all, fine.
And it's so depressing.
Uh, sorry? That's OK.
So, you want to get together after school? Maybe you can come over to my house.
My parents aren't home.
What about nana? Oh, boy, this is a toughie.
See you at 3:00.
I'd go with you, but this is date number three.
And on the second date, she said she doesn't make out till the third date.
I made the cut! [VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS.]
So what did you learn in school today? I learned that friendship is no match for Carla Robinson's thighs.
What do you mean? I have to visit my nana at the retirement home today.
I wanted Gary to go with me, but he bailed.
I don't blame him.
She's my grandma and I don't even wanna go.
You don't wanna go visit your nana? It's not her.
It's where she lives.
The retirement home is so depressing.
All those old people.
I'll go with you.
You will? Sure.
I love old people.
They're interesting.
Think about it, your grandma has lived through two world wars.
She was born before there was televisions or computers.
Don't you think that makes her interesting? I think it makes her old.
You know, in some countries, old people are revered.
So? In some countries Jerry Lewis is revered.
He cracks me up.
(IMITATING JERRY LEWIS) Hello, lady! Hi, nana.
Look who it is.
It's my grandson, Wyatt.
Isn't he handsome? And who is this? Don't tell me, my baby boy has a girlfriend.
She's just a friend.
This is Lisa.
Lisa, my grandma.
Hello, nana.
I hope we're not breaking up the game.
What could be more important than my grandson and his friend? Besides, I'm losing my shirt to these pirates.
[SIGHING.]
So, grandma, what have you been up to? What's that, honey? He asked what you're up to.
Oh, well, they keep you pretty busy around here.
I do a little bit of everything.
You know, I started square dancing every Wednesday.
It sounds like you have a good time around here.
Well, nobody's gone over the wall yet.
Of course, I'd have a better time if I had more visits from my favorite grandson.
I'd come by more, but, you know, homework and chess club, school paper.
You don't have to snow job me, Wyatt.
Oh, that reminds me.
How's Chett? Still at reform school? It was military school, nana.
You say "tomato.
" Anyway, he's home now.
I always said that boy was evil.
Pure evil.
But so handsome.
He does ask for it sometimes.
Once I turned him into a radish.
Well, we better be going.
So soon? Yeah.
We gotta be somewhere.
Youth, always on the move.
I wish I had the energy to keep up.
Come see me again.
I miss your visits.
I miss you, too.
Take care of yourself.
And Lisa, you're a lovely girl.
Stop by any time.
I will.
Thanks, nana.
Your grandma is really sweet, Wyatt.
You should've seen her when she was younger.
She had so much energy.
I just wish we had that Nana back.
That's all.
Hey, could you do that, Lis? Can you help her? I could.
But what do you think your grandma would have to say about it? Are you kidding? Who wouldn't want to be young again? I don't know.
It's just not natural.
You heard her.
She said she wanted to be able to keep up.
Couldn't you at least give her the energy of a young person? A little vitality? One condition-- when the spell wears off, you visit her more often.
Deal.
Nana! Coming, dear.
Well, how do you feel? I feel fine.
Why do you keep asking me that? Where are you taking me? I thought we'd spend the day together.
Aw.
I don't think it worked.
GUY: Heads up! I got it! Nana! GUY: Whoa, good shot! Come on, come back.
Go long, skinny.
Hey, what do you know? I got my old arm back.
Yeah! Mom and dad are out of town, so no one will be asking any questions.
Again? Well, there's a surprise.
The TV does a better job of raising you than that son of mine.
Nana! What'd she do, tunnel out? How are you, today? Up for a little football? If you think you're man enough.
Ow.
Nana, that hurt.
Come on! I thought you were a tough guy.
All of a sudden, I'm just feeling a little achy.
That's all.
Later, ladies.
Come on, Wyatt.
If we don't hit the road soon, I'm gonna pop.
Let's go eat something big and greasy.
It's been a long time.
Cholesterol be damned! Hey, Wy.
Lisa, this is Carla.
Hi, Carla.
Hi.
And that's Wyatt's nana.
It's so nice to meet you.
Oh! Oh, my back! Oh, Gary, would you be a dear and help me with my chair? Hey, Wy, got any chapstick? Hey, Wy, why are you dragging nana around? Isn't she a little old for fun? I'm not too old to kick your scrawny butt.
Nana, you got a new hearing aid.
That's-- why don't we order? Uh, Carla, order anything you want.
Why are you whispering? I said, order anything you want.
That's OK.
I went before I left the house.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Who wants to dance? Come on! What's with her? I don't know.
The Geritol must be kicking in.
What do you want, Carla? Oh, you go ahead.
I like to wait until 5:00 when the early bird special kicks in.
Um, I'll have some fries and a Coke.
Carla, what are you doing? If you wanted some sugar, all you had to do was ask.
Oh, look at the two of us acting like a couple of crazy kids.
You ever get fresh like that again, and I'll show you what for.
Wee, you're a regular spitfire! What's with the George Burns routine? Huh? [MUSIC PLAYING.]
The problem with movies today is all that filthy language.
It's F this and S that and GD the other thing.
And don't get me started on the nudity.
What the H am I talking about? Lisa, what's happening to him? And Carla? Don't panic.
I believe there might be a slim chance that touching grandma could be hazardous to your health.
-What? -What? Apparently your wish has a side effect.
What wish? Wyatt asked for Nana to feel young again.
Oh! Well, ain't that sweet? Except it seems like every time she touches someone, she steals their youth.
That's what happened to Carla and Gary.
She's right.
I do feel old.
But I never touched Nana.
Honest! But Carla did.
It's like a virus spreading around zapping people's energy.
Well, congratulations.
You just made Letterman's top 10 list of all-time crappy wishes! She didn't say anything about starting a plague! I didn't know! Well, fix it! You can fix it, can't you? Sure.
You just walk grandma back through the doors of the home, then everything will go back to normal.
Round up that cute little grandma of yours.
We're going to the home! Come on, mother.
Let's party! Look at her, she's young again.
I can't take it away so soon.
She took it from me! Just give it a couple more days, Gary.
Please.
What can it hurt? Normally I'd fight you on this one, but it's almost time for "Murder She Wrote.
" That Jessica Fletcher really pumps my pistons.
But you owe me one.
What do you want? Spring for one of those all-you-can-eat smorgasbords? Smorgasbord? Smorgasbord it is.
I think I got a coupon.
OK, Paco, as I'm feeling a little draggy today, I'm gonna need you to keep your blocking real tight.
If I block too tight, I could break a hip.
Rick, you take the handoff.
Something's firing up my corns.
Well, what about Bull? [SNORING.]
I could go for a nice bowl of soup.
Soup goes right through me.
OK, guys, listen up.
We're gonna do the shuffle pass.
How about a little shuffleboard? Shuffleboard goes right through me.
Maybe I better lie down.
OK, ready? One, two, three, break.
I can't believe how much you tipped that girl.
What are you, made of money? She brought me a nice lean piece of meat.
Cut it for me, too.
What are we watching anyways? It's so fast, fast, fast! MAN (ON TV): Is your husband watching? MAN (ON TV): Well, that'll be third down.
[SNORING.]
Well, that's enough TV.
OK, what's next? You haven't taken a break since we left the home.
Aren't you tired yet? Tired? I'm wired! I got more energy than I know what to do with.
You still up for a little action? If that's what you want.
Good, cause I can't sit still.
Go, go, go to Cocomo! Are you having fun, Grandma? Fun? I don't know.
I feel sort of restless, like if we don't get out there, I'm gonna miss something.
I don't know what's happening to me.
Well, I know Wyatt's sure glad to see you so peppy.
Oh, Wyatt's a good boy.
A lightweight, but a good boy.
Let's hit it! [SNORING.]
Woo! All right! Yeah! [INAUDIBLE.]
.
I'll tell you what's sadder.
The sight of all those young, cute girls in tights isn't exactly twisting my lug nuts.
We gotta do something, Wy.
And look at poor Carla.
If she moves any slower, she's going to stop.
Gary, you're right.
What did I say? You know what comes after extreme old age? Nothing.
You're young.
You're old.
Ah! I'm too young to die of old age.
Don't have a stroke, we'll figure it out.
How? Don't have a stroke, we'll figure it out.
Oh, great.
I'm counting on you to save my life, and you're senile.
[THUD.]
-We're too late! -Carla! -What happened? -She's dead! GIRL: Did she faint? Nana killed what's-her-name.
GIRL: It's Carla.
She fell down.
GIRL: We should call a nurse or something.
Carla, my beautiful Carla.
Gary, wait! Listen.
[SNORING.]
Guys, what's going on? What'd she say? Uh-oh.
Yeah, uh-oh.
This thing has gone on way too far.
And-- and it's getting worse every minute.
Grandpira must be stopped.
And preferably before we're worm food.
OK! Don't get so crotchety! You were the one who wanted to fool with mother nature.
Huh? Hey-- hey, where's Nana? We have to get her back.
I don't know where she is.
I came here to see if she was with you.
We'd better find her.
We have to hurry.
Maybe it will be faster if we split up.
Catch you later.
What'd she say? Who? Way to go, beef for brains.
You think you can do better? My grandma could do better.
Chett, can you give us a ride? We have to find Nana.
Your legs broke? You're young.
You should walk.
When I was your age-- Please, Chett.
It's a matter of life and death.
You only hear from 'em when they want something from you.
OK, fine.
You pay for gas.
But let's hurry up.
I don't wanna drive at night.
Thanks, you old fart.
What happened to your jeep? Traded it in for this beauty.
They don't make 'em like this anymore.
MAN: Come on, man! Get off the road! [HONKING.]
I don't want to alarm you, but I don't think I have a pulse.
I don't see her, Gar.
She's not in here.
Oh, wait, there she is! One, two, three-- slow but steady.
We gotta think like a young person.
If I was young again, I'd take better care of my ticker, work out.
Exercise.
That's it.
We gotta go to the gym! It's too late for that.
Not for you, you old fool.
Nana! We've been looking everywhere for you.
Yeah.
Where ya been? I'm sorry I worried you boys.
I've been here for hours trying to burn off some of this energy.
Nana, I know you're having fun, but you have to come with me.
It's really important, OK? OK, Wyatt.
Where are we going? I'm taking you back to the retirement home.
Sure, honey, whatever you say.
I'll race ya! Last one there is a rotten egg! Get her! You found her.
No thanks to you, Lois.
Lisa.
Where have you been anyway? I looked everywhere for her-- Saint-Tropez, Rio, Disneyland.
You never know.
Well, Grandma, this is it.
I hate that I have to send her back here.
I know, Wyatt, but you have to hurry up.
I'm worried about Gary.
Chocolate, cutie? Eh! Home at last, Nana.
Whose turn is it? I forgot.
Figures you would, you wuss.
Who you calling a wuss? You guys stand back.
But we're losing her.
Clear! Stop! Is this, like, a joke or something? Get those freakin' things away from me! Sorry.
God! You feel OK, Nana? Oh, you know, same old aches and pains.
I don't know what happened out there, but I didn't like it.
You didn't? No way.
I felt like a teenager again.
What's wrong with that? All that energy? Too much energy.
It wasn't me.
Being 16 tired me out the first time.
Damned if I'm going through all that again.
You mean, you like being in this place? Well, yeah.
I've earned a little R&R, and I'm enjoying it.
There's no rent, no work, no food shopping.
And just between us, teaching Mr.
Jeffries to tango makes for a pretty hot Sunday afternoon.
And you don't mind being old? There's an old Chinese blessing that says, may you live in interesting times.
I have lived in very interesting times, Wyatt, and I wouldn't trade 'em for anything.
Old age isn't something to be afraid of.
I'm not afraid.
Good.
Then you can come and see me more often.
And bring your friend Lisa.
She's fun.
But tell her to leave her magic at home.
Don't need it.
Oh, Sadie, it's so good to see you! [INAUDIBLE.]
This is ridiculous.
There's nothing but old folks on TV-- "Golden Girls," "Matlock," "Murder She Wrote," "90210.
" I can't get away from 'em.
Haven't you learned anything over the last two days? Some day you're gonna be old, too, you know.
You could be a little more tolerant.
Or I could be young forever.
Lis, if you don't mind, make it so I never get old.
With pleasure.
He's not gonna learn anything from that either, you know.
Yeah, but at least we can finish watching "Murder She Wrote" in peace.
MAN (ON TV): You have an incredible memory, Mrs.
Fletcher.
WOMAN (ON TV): Oh, please.
THEME SONG: Weird science! Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip.
Something different we're making.
Weird science! Ooh! Pictures from a magazine.
Bits and pieces and bits and pieces and-- my creation, is it real? It's my creation! I do not know.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand my intentions?