Wellington Paranormal (2018) s03e03 Episode Script

1 (TENSE MUSIC) We've been in the Paranormal Unit for a while now, eh? - Yeah.
- Reckon we should get our own jackets? We've got our own jackets.
Yeah, but not like the normal police ones.
Like in those US police shows, they have black jackets with the white lettering on the back that, sort of, says the department that they're from.
We could do that for the Paranormal Unit.
- What, like 'PU'? - Yeah.
Like, freeze, don't move! We're the PU! You realise that that spells 'poo'? - GROWLS: We're the PU! - Whose voice is that? - That's my voice.
- Since when? Well, since this morning.
I said, (GROWLS) 'Morning, O'Leary.
How are you?' And you were like, 'Good, thanks.
' (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC) So, we've had some reports of people seeing some very strange things out and about.
As the Paranormal Unit, it's our job to check it out.
Sir, are you the person that reported seeing something - very strange? - It was a giant rat.
I'm terrified of rats.
How big are we talking - cat size? As big as a man! And walking on its hind legs.
Any distinguishing features? I'm just wondering if maybe you've had - a bit too much to drink.
- I don't drink alcohol.
I mean, you've wet yourself.
I literally think you've had too much to drink.
WOMAN: Help! Call the police! Sorry, excuse me, ma'am.
We are the police.
I've just been accosted by a man with absolutely no face.
It was smooth, like a bum cheek.
It's, like, literally my- my worst fear.
- Dave? - Lorraine.
- (MAN SCREAMS) - There's screaming.
Travelling.
- Turned into a busy night.
- Are you OK? I've just been attacked by a shark.
Where did this attack take place? Over there, by the rock shop.
In the CBD? Were you attacked by a loan shark? No, it was a bloody great shark, with teeth and fins, just like on Jaws.
I hate that film! I'm no marine chemist, but I'm pretty sure that sharks need water.
The harbour's miles away.
- It was a bloody shark! - (GROANS) - Hey, Dave.
- Hey, Paul.
- Lorraine, how are you? - Are you OK? I think maybe you're not actually OK.
We're gonna get you some help for that leg.
I'll get a napkin.
(RETCHES) ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME MUSIC) Captions by Able.
So, we've traced all of the victims back to this horror-themed amusement parlour.
They all attended a work event here.
This may lead us to finding the connection between the victims.
Mm.
I mean, this kind of is the connection.
They all came here, and they work together, so there's two connections there.
Yeah, very early days yet, but we're hopeful a pattern will emerge overtime.
- (CHUCKLES) O'Leary.
- What? A mirror? Eh? CREEPILY: Will you marry me? O'Leary! It's a zombie.
Calling for backup.
Full backup.
We need all cars plus a chopper.
We're the PU.
Back it up.
- I'm just an actor.
- She's just an actor.
- She's part of this place.
- Yeah, I know.
- Just going along with it.
- Were you? Yeah.
Cancel backup.
No choppers required.
No cars either.
Anything I can help you officers with? I'm Joe Blakes.
I'm the manager.
- Good evening, Mr Blakes.
- Yes, we've had complaints of people being scared out on the streets after coming to this place earlier this evening.
- Well, scaring's my business.
- People don't complain about getting a burger from a burger joint now, do they? (CHUCKLES) I think that some of your people have been out there threatening and potentially assaulting members of the public tonight.
Well, they've been here the whole time.
I've been watching them like a hawk.
Gary snuck out for a smoke before.
Doubt it was him, though.
His character is not very convincing.
Oh, says you, cliche bride.
- Cliche? - Yes, cliche.
- Gary, what even are you? - I'm a ghoul.
What-? A skeleton pirate? What, you've just raided the props cupboard, - let's be honest.
- Oh, coming from A marriage is not scary.
- It can be.
- Now, now, you sheilas.
What kind of atmosphere are we trying to build in our staff? Well, no one asked you, Colin.
Right.
Let me sort it out for all of you.
You're all under arrest, all right, for assault, public disruption, shark attacks, public urination by proxy.
All right? How do you like that? Plus, arguing in front of us.
Yeah, OK, arrest was certainly a little bit hasty, but we are gonna have to ask all of you to come in for questioning.
OK? And until we've got some more information, we're gonna have to shut this place down.
- On what authority? - PU.
(CHEESY MUSICAL STING) - And by that he means - See that? the police.
Wellington Police.
We're not the PU.
Uh, please state your name for the record.
Cynthia Wells.
I'm 24.
But I'm told I can play 14 through to 40.
Would you like to see my profile? - No.
No, that's not necessary.
- I'll just do this side.
Yep.
Maybe you could just sit down.
Um, look, we've brought you in here to find out what you were doing this evening between 9 and 10pm.
Oh, well, I was at the Fear Factory, playing my role as the undead bride.
I channel Lady Macbeth for the character.
'Out, damned spot.
'Out, I say!' She's channelling some kind of spirit.
So we're gonna need a bit more info about this Lady Macbeth.
I believe that's Shakespeare, Sarge.
Yeah, I knew that.
I knew that.
(CLEARS THROAT) Look, I'm telling you - I had nothing to do with these crimes! Come on.
You gotta believe me.
You have to believe me.
(SOBS) Mm.
Mm.
Chills.
Just stunning.
Thank you.
Oh, that scene got me a standing ovation at the Young and Hungry one-act play festival last year.
I actually felt like a real police officer there for a moment.
That doesn't happen very often.
That's a powerful performance indeed.
- Thank you.
- It's scary.
Just in relation to these real crimes - Yeah.
- do you actually have any information pertaining to those? N-No, sorry.
i-I don't.
Look, we've ascertained that all of the victims were connected by way of patronising your business.
People pay good money to come to my business to get scared.
They got scared, so what's the problem? Well, the problem is that you should only be carrying out your business on your own premises, not out on the street.
Yeah, another problem we have is the fact that the victims weren't actually just scared; they were terrified.
OK? Their hair started turning white.
One of them was bitten and had to be hospitalised.
That's right.
And one of the victims wet his pants.
Do you know how horrible it is to wet your pants? - I do.
- Look, I'm very hungry.
I'm wondering if I could have something- - Hey.
You'll get something to eat, all right - when I say so.
I thought it was my turn to be bad cop.
- You weren't doing it.
- I was doing it.
- Were you? - Yeah.
That is his bad cop.
He's actually improved quite a lot.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Sorry, hello- Are we finished? Cos I'm starving.
I really need to eat something right now.
Hey, you're not talking.
What are you afraid of, mate? I think the better question, Sgt Ruawai Maaka, is what are you afraid of? (SCREAMING, WHIMPERING) Get it away! (SOBS) I've always hated spiders - ever since I was 7.
One landed on me in the shower on a certain part of my body, and I was staying at my mate's place, and his mum had to come and rescue me.
It was so embarrassing.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, Sarge.
No.
Admitting your fears is the first step to overcoming them.
I googled that.
I mean, the victims said they all saw something that they feared the most.
Mm-hm.
Interesting.
That's interesting.
My greatest fear is public speaking.
Then it's probably balloons, and then sock puppets.
You're afraid of balloons? Yeah, well, you never know when they're gonna pop.
I just overheard.
Yeah, I'm a bit scared of balloons as well.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
And spiders.
And dogs and cats.
I mean, what are they up to anyway, right? I'm really scared of the dark and enclosed spaces and really open spaces as well.
That's why you'll find that I spend most of my time in door frames, which is ironic, cos I'm kind of afraid of them too.
Flying.
Public restrooms.
Private restrooms.
(EXHALES) Man! Brussels sprouts.
It's like I'm a giant eating a cabbage.
You know? Red-headed guys called Steve.
Denim.
Oh! Double denim.
Double denim's OK.
But I'm scared of reaching my own potential, but I'm also conversely scared of never reaching my full potential.
You know what I mean? I'm scared of cameras.
Um I'm scared of buttons.
Not too scared.
Like, I'm creeped out by it but not really scared.
I'm just- I'm just wondering- Just a thought.
Maybe- Well, certainly for you, it would've been easier if you just listed all the things that you're not scared of.
- You know? - Yeah.
I'm not really afraid of anything.
I'm sure I've seen you afraid of something.
Hmm, I've been, like, cautiously concerned.
Hey, Sarge, sounds like there's a disturbance in Holding Cell 4.
(DISTANT SHOUTING) But that's where we're holding Joe Blakes.
- I might stay here.
- (SHOUTING CONTINUES) - (SHOUTING) - Whoa! Officer, are you afraid of heights? - Only the high ones, Sarge.
- OK.
Uh, uh You guys go get something to help him - some kind of apparatus that we can get him out of there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
OK.
OK.
OK.
Officer Roy, is it? - WHIMPERS: Yeah.
- OK.
You're fine.
You're fine.
Whatever you do, don't look down.
OK? Just stay- Here! Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Just stay with me.
- Stay with me.
Yeah, yeah.
- Sarge, you go down.
- What? - You go down.
No, I'll go down.
- I'll go up; you go down.
- Don't push me in.
- OK, go, go, go.
- You're good.
You're good.
- Use your shoulder.
- You can do it.
- Reach! - Good teamwork.
OK, it's on the toilet.
- Climb across! - I can't! - Come on.
- 'Course you can.
- You've got this.
Look at me.
- No, look at me.
- That's good.
That's good.
- No, look at her.
- Look at me.
- Take your time.
Look at me.
- Don't look down.
- Remember, look at me! - Up, up, up, up, up, up.
- Come on.
I've got ya.
- You've got him.
- Go, go, go.
- (PANTS) Great.
Great work.
Great work.
Hey, you know something that really helped me is a proverb found on Google.
It is admitting your fears is the first step in overcoming them.
It's from Google, so you know it's a reputable source.
- I told you that.
- Yeah, he did.
- That was me.
- Hey! He's getting away! In pursuit! Did you see a suspect run past here? - Centipedes.
- What? This way.
This way.
- It's the tiger bats.
- Tiger bats? (GRUNTS) Officer Yee, did you see a suspect come through here? - No, but I saw Darth Vader.
- What? He said he found my lack of faith disturbing, - and then he ran out.
- What?! - WAILS: I'm sorry, Sarge! - He's gone, I can't see him anywhere.
- Darth freaking Vader.
OK.
Take a look at this.
This is a still image of Joe Blakes from his interview.
Here, he looks like he's in his 40s, hair going grey.
- Mm-hm.
- OK.
Here, he looks like he's in his 20s.
OK? Side by side.
Yeah, but, I mean, he can make himself look like anything.
Yes, but only what you fear.
Remember when we had him in custody and he kept asking for something to eat? I don't think he was hungry for food.
I think what we're dealing with here is possibly superhuman metamorph who feeds on fear by turning into what scares you the most.
And that's not all.
I cross-referenced hospital files with his customer records, and it turns out that several of his patrons suffered heart failure from fatal amounts of adrenaline in their bodies.
Literally scared to death.
That literally just scared me to death.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Do you know what the word 'literally' means? I actually don't.
I've been peppering it into my conversations to make myself sound more elegant.
Minogue, don't ever misuse the word 'literally'.
- Not on my watch.
- Easy.
All right.
I want you two to find this thing before it terrifies the entire city.
- Oh, except for me.
- (SCOFFS) Uh, Minogue, it's it's night-time.
Oh, I think he thinks they make him look a little bit cool.
I don't think they make me look cool.
All right? - Oh! - (EXCLAIMS) Is that you, Parker? (TENSE MUSIC) I used to be afraid of back seats, especially in station wagons.
You know in the Volvo where it faces the back? It's like, 'Oh my God.
That car's coming straight for me!' You know? I'm still actually a bit afraid of station wagons.
And SUVs, especially those mini SUVs.
You know the ones I'm talking about? It doesn't make any sense.
It's like a tall dwarf.
It's so weird.
It freaks me out.
You know? Now, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - now, that is a scary movie.
Like, why-? That evil queen, like, why is she so mean? You know? I mean, I get it; she's not the fairest of them all, but she's still pretty fair if you ask me.
Parker, are you terrified of silence too? I am, actually.
I mean, when I was little, when there was silence round the dinner table, you knew- - RT: Car 4, this is Comms.
We have a report of a woman being attacked in Glover Park by a giant snake with a human face.
- Over.
- Copy, Comms.
On our way.
Giant snake.
I think it's the shapeshifter, Minogue.
Oh, the shapeshifter, yeah.
(SIREN WAILS) - WOMAN: Help! - That's the woman - from earlier tonight! - Affirmative! Ma'am, are you OK? What's happened? I saw this- this giant snake, and it had the head of You know that rapper Post Malone? - Yep.
Congratulations.
- Now's not the time, Minogue.
Well, he had an autotune voice.
Autotune.
It was going like 'Eeeeee!' I can't do it, but it was really freaky.
That's incredibly bad luck.
You know, twice in one night.
- Yeah.
- Did-? There's no need to be alarmed.
OK? That wasn't a giant snake.
It was actually a shapeshifter.
- What? - It feeds on human fear, - if you can believe that.
- Oh! OK.
Had my hands over my eyes.
- Sir, are you OK? - No.
You look like you're freaking out too, mate.
- Have you seen something? - Mm.
- Yeah, what was it? - It was an iceberg.
- You saw an iceberg? - Yeah, and it was melting.
And there was two polar bears on it, a mother and a cub.
And- And the cub looked up at the mother like, 'Our home.
' ls one of your biggest fears climate change? - Mm.
- That's a fear for all of us.
- I'm freaking out about it.
- It's a big issue.
Um Which way did this floating iceberg go? Well, it kind of drifted sedately, eroding down Cuba St.
Cuba St.
That's the Fear Factory.
OK.
Go.
- They didn't help us.
- Mm.
- Doors open by themselves.
- Oh, it's automatic doors.
JOE BLAKES' VOICE: Welcome, officers.
Won't you come in? Come in and face your fears.
Um, guys, there's, um, some underage drinkers just over there.
I might just I might just stay here to make sure that they don't cause a ruckus.
Will you guys be OK without me? Probably not.
Yeah.
There's nothing in there that can scare me.
(SCOFFS) Well, this could be it.
This could be the shapeshifter here.
Isn't it better if we stick together? We're gonna keep in radio contact the whole time.
OK? - (RADIO CLICKS) - Copy that.
We don't need to be on the radios yet, cos we can still see each other and hear each other.
I'm practising, cos often we run out of battery.
This is why we run out of battery.
- In.
- In.
(LOW, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) It's the PU.
We know you're in here.
(CHEESY MUSICAL STING) JOE BLAKES' VOICE: Scared of something, Officer Minogue? This way.
O'Leary, I think the splitting up thing was a bad idea.
Look, just keep walking through and looking for the guy.
I just heard him, so he must be in here.
Is it filthy where you are? There's certainly a lot of detritus on the ground, sort of autumnal-type detritus.
Just leaves where I am.
O'Leary, what can you see now? Just some, uh, really cheap plastic skulls.
Not his best work.
Certainly not scary.
Can see a cupboard or doorway.
I'm going to enter it.
Eugh! Ugh! Closing! Closing! Mind fingers.
Mind fingers.
Have you found someone? Not someone, but I've found about six people's arms.
Uh, I've found a doorway, Minogue.
Has it got 'exit' over it? Uh, that's a negative.
That Wall's moving.
JOE BLAKES' VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Officer Minogue.
Public speaking.
To sock puppets.
(FEEDBACK WHINES) Is everybody having a good night tonight? - We were.
- (LAUGHTER) They hate me.
(EXCLAIMS) Move, move, move! (BALLOONS POP) Let's go this way.
Oh, no, no, no.
Maybe this way.
(GRUNTS, PANTS) O'Leary.
- That's strange.
- I'm back here again.
(WHEELS SCRAPE, CHORTLING) (LOW, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) It's locked.
I mean, nothing in here's scared me tonight.
(DRAMATIC NOTE) It's a, um a photograph of me when I was younger.
So, this, uh, looks like a very weird, unsanitary version of my mum's kitchen.
Hello, my little sugar bum fairy.
Mum.
You can't be here.
Says who? I can be anywhere I like, darling.
- No, you can't.
- Am I embarrassing you, dear? Not as embarrassing as that day when you forgot to wear your bra at the athletics day.
OK, I chose not to wear a bra that day in solidarity with my flat-chested friend.
Mr Driscoll, your shotput coach, he didn't know where to look.
OK, look, Mum, why are you in that cupboard? I mean, you actually are embarrassing me a bit now.
- That's nothing.
- What about that time when we were at church? I think you were about 12 years old.
And you sneezed and a little shart came out, didn't it, dear? - Mum, that's- I do not re- - The smell! Gagging.
- (LAUGHTER) - (EXCLAIMS) I think that's the guy that was heckling me before.
Let's just get outta here.
When you're older, an old lady, sometimes you'll get a little bit of hair, but not at your age.
OK, Mum, maybe just stop it.
OK? I'll stop it.
I'll stop it when you stop this police nonsense.
- MINOGUE: O'Leary! - We just wanted a nice, girly job for you.
Perhaps a receptionist or a typist.
- MINOGUE: O'Leary! - I had high hopes for you as a beautician.
Your father and I are very disappointed.
O'Leary! O'Leary! That's not your mum.
Your real mum thinks you're awesome.
She's always telling me how proud she is of you.
Really? I just made it up to make you feel better, but pretty much the vibe I get from your mum when I talk to her.
- Thanks.
Thanks, Minogue.
- Are you gonna stop this police nonsense now? - You're not my real mum.
- Whoo! You're not my real mum! You're not my real mum.
(SHAPESHIFTER CACKLES) MINOGUE: Go, go! Go go! (EXCLAIMS) More balloons.
- Which way did he go? - That way.
Going that way.
O'Leary, I don't think we should be splitting up.
Oh! Requesting assistance, O'Leary.
Being attacked by a sock puppet.
Why are you afraid of sock puppets? Well, what are they? Are they-? Are they feet? Are they hands? Are they faces? - Help me, O'Leary! - Yeah, assisting.
Creepy.
That one's licking me.
Excuse me.
Get your tongue off my partner.
SHAPESHIFTER: I wouldn't do it that way, darling.
- Ugh! - What? A sock-puppet version of my mum? Trying to get us both, O'Leary.
From the back, dear, your hair's very short.
I wish you'd grow it a little bit longer.
Look, it's just a sensible haircut.
OK? I do look lovely.
State of your fingernails, girl.
They're so short.
They're stronger than they look, O'Leary.
Why don't you play netball in the weekends, dear? They wear nice skirts.
This one's tickling my inner thigh.
Eugh! Parker, what's going on? Minogue and O'Leary are there- in there, pursuing the 'shipeshafter', and I'm out here doing an equally important job guarding the door in case the shi- shar - 'sharpshafter' comes out.
- Good.
O'LEARY ON RADIO: Calling for backup! Calling for backup! - Officers under attack.
Over.
- Copy that, O'Leary.
Right.
I'm going in.
- I'll do it.
- (BOTTLE THUDS) Hey, hey, hey! Stand down.
It's far too dangerous in there for you, Parker.
You stand down right now.
I've gotta face my fears sometime.
If not now, then when? OK.
SHOUTS: Noooo! MAAKA: That's bravery right there.
See that? You see that? That's New Zealand Police.
Behind my knee, it's playing around with my groin.
- Which one? Which knee? - This one.
This one.
Well, it's good to see you touching a man finally.
- You're on your own, Minogue.
- Ugh! (PARKER SHOUTS) Guys, did you call for backup? Get these socks off me, Parker! Your personal ones or the ones harassing you? - This one! - OK.
Get off him! Leave him be! Oh.
Great.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) JOE: Mmm.
You look delicious.
Thanks.
Now what are you scared of? Where do I begin? Um (BARKS, PANTS) (MIAOWS) (PLANE ENGINE ROARS) (TOILET FLUSHES) (CAR HORN BEEPS) (ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF) JOE: Too many fears.
Can't control.
Aah! (OBJECTS PATTER ON FLOOR) Parker, your proliferation of illogical fears has overwhelmed the shapeshifter.
And now look at him - - just buttons.
- Thanks, Sarge.
- Good work, Parker.
- Oh, I'm scared of hands.
So, sometimes in order to beat your fears, you've gotta face your fears.
We've contained the fear beast, and he'll be placed under arrest in this jar.
But I guess at the end of the day, I mean, Officer Parker did a really great job.
Yeah, I'm just glad that my crippling fear of almost everything helped us apprehend the 'shipshafter'.
Yeah, and I guess the real lesson here was there's nothing to fear but fear itself.
- And sock puppets.
- Spiders.
- Hands.
- Balloons.
- Open-mouth chewing.
- Public speaking.
- Brussels sprouts.
- Ghosts.
And, obviously, you know, the biggest fear for everyone - - being embarrassed by your mum.
- Yeah.
- By your mum.
- Yeah, my mum.
Hey, when you guys see that tape there, do you ever think it reads 'Crime scene, do not enter, police, ' as in, do not enter, us.
- Do you ever see that? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Actually, yeah, every time.
- Exactly.
- You get there, and you're like, 'Oh.
Can we go in or can't we go in?' - That's right, Sarge.
You'll often tell us to go to a crime scene, and we get there and that tape's there.
We just get in the car and go home, don't we, O'Leary? - MAAKA: Semantics of it.
- MINOGUE: Mm.
- PARKER: Yeah.
- O'LEARY: Who designed it? MAAKA: Buggered if I know.