Wilfred s03e03 Episode Script

Wow, Joffrey sure is getting big.
Big or fat? I say fat, but Michael says big.
Either way, it's a problem.
Michael? Oh, I've been seeing a guy from yoga class for the past couple weeks.
We're actually going out again tonight.
It's nothing serious yet.
He's a smart, handsome doctor.
He's great with kids.
Child molesters are great with kids.
What are you saying, Ryan? Do you want me to stop dating? No, of course not.
Look at that.
I'm surprised the little fat-ass missed a morsel.
So do you want me to call you a cab or? Breakfast? Uh, yeah, I've kind of got a bunch of errands to run today, so Ah, shit, my homeboy just saw me.
I better go say hi.
Where the hell did I put those baby wipes? Hey! J- Murda! What's up, little man? Still shitting whenever? Nice! Is she gone yet? Oh, geez.
Hey, sorry about that.
I've been thinking a lot about who should be Joffrey's legal guardian, and I'm leaning towards Dad.
Dad? Yeah, Ryan, despite what you think, Dad is not that bad.
He has been generously supporting me while I look for a new job.
He's he's just a great role model for Joffrey.
He's successful, he's reliable, he's thin.
He's also controlling and manipulative.
Why not me? Honestly, I'm the only guy in your life who's really looking out for you.
You actually want this? Of course.
I love Joffrey.
Okay, well, I guess I'll keep thinking about it, then.
But so you know, it's a huge responsibility.
Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you've got your shit together? I'm good.
I swear.
Ryan, check out this Internet site I found.
It's for people who just want to have raunchy, demented sex, no strings attached.
"Stuffed-Animal-Store.
com"? Look at the expression on that slut's face.
I bet she gives insane trunk.
Ah, dude, check the horn on that freak.
Wouldn't mind sitting on that.
What's going on with you today? I thought you and Bear were married.
We were, but married life's not really for me.
I'm like a tumbleweed, a rolling stone.
Or a freight train that can't stay on the tracks, and it's, like, going off a cliff with, like, and a lot of them die on impact, but there's like, ten that survive, and they're trapped.
And there's this one guy, he's so in shock, he's laughing maniacally, and the flames are closing in, and everyone's, like, sobbing and holding each other, but it's the laughter that's the most disturbing thing of all.
And there's this one lady and her eye is just, like out.
The point is, I'm single again.
Want to come out tonight and get some strange? I'm not really in the mood.
You never are.
I should've called Joffrey.
I mean, that guy's my dawg! I mean, you go out with him, you just know he's leaving the club with two tiny little handfuls of ass.
I'm just worried about Kristen.
Ever since she became a mom, she's been making some questionable choices, like letting a guy she barely knows hang around her baby, choosing my dad to be the legal guardian.
I think I need to be more involved in her life.
You and your sister have a messed up relationship.
It's like you get off on sabotaging each other's lives and then miraculously being there to pick up the pieces.
Come on.
I would never stand in the way of my sister's happiness.
Even if it means she won't need little brother's shoulder to cry on anymore? God, why am I listening to sibling advice from a guy who ate his own sister's ears? Ear.
Ryan, have you seen my We Bought a Zoo Criterion Collection? What do you mean, suck your dick? Bear? Was that you just talking? Okay, first of all, holy shit, that was a spot-on Ryan impression.
Second, what the hell are you doing here? It's over between us.
Must be the pizza.
Kristen.
Where have you been? I tried calling you, like, six times! My babysitter canceled at the last second, so I really need you to help me out, okay? You know, since you're the only guy in my life who's really looking out for me? Plus, you know, it'll give you a chance to see what it'd be like to be his guardian.
Of course, yeah.
Yeah boy! Joffrey's in the house! J- Money, what's popping?! Oh, that's Michael.
You wanted to meet him, right? Yeah, I know.
Hey.
Michael, this is my brother, Ryan.
Oh, hey, Ryan.
Michael.
Hey.
Did you have trouble finding the house? No, I got a GPS thing in my car.
Couldn't wait two minutes, right? I- I've got him.
Oh, it's okay, buddy.
Uncle Ryan's here.
Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
It'll be fine.
Hi there, Joffrey! I'm Mr.
Bear.
Would you like to be my friend? I'd like to be your friend.
Seems like you're not the only one who can do spot-on impressions, eh, Bear? Told you he was good.
Okay, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, and then we'll leave.
Okay.
So where are you planning on taking my sister tonight? Oh, there's this, uh, little Italian restaurant I've been wanting to try.
Gennaro's? Oh, cool, cool.
Is that your Honda out there? Yeah.
Huh.
Not exactly the kind of car you'd expect a doctor to drive.
I'm not really a car guy, so Oh.
Sorry, I've got to take this outside, if you don't mind.
So, Joffs, I was thinking tonight the two of us can go out and maybe try heroin for the first time.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you two were talking.
No, I think it's great that you two are talking.
You're a great listener, and, uh and Bear could use a friend right now.
So three cold ones, then, yeah? Where's Michael? Outside on the phone.
Well, what do you think? He seems great.
Right? And just so you know, if tonight goes how I expect it to, there will be plenty of opportunities for you to babysit.
Okay.
Like, a lot.
Like, overnight.
Oh.
Oh, I get it.
Okay.
Well, call me if you need anything.
Okay.
I won't need a thing.
Oh, uh, Kristen? Thanks for trusting me with Joffrey.
It'll be nice to spend some alone time with him.
Good night.
What the hell? Ah.
No, I get it.
We're divorced now, so you're fair game.
I'm cool with that.
You two have fun.
Look at them.
Flaunting it in front of my face.
Yeah, I hope you used protection.
I wouldn't like for you to catch Bear's semen ants.
Semen ants? That's the technical name for the colony of ants living inside Bear that sustains itself from the nutrients obtained from my semen.
Okay, I'm ending this line of conversation right now.
Oh.
Well, see, that's the thing about semen ants.
No one wants to talk about it.
So how do we ever educate anyone about this epidemic? You know, Obama has semen ants.
He rarely talks about it, but he's got 'em.
Are you gonna try and Google it? Yeah, you won't find it on the normal Internet, but it's all over the deep Web.
I'm not looking up Obama's semen ants.
I'm checking Facebook to see if Kristen is friends with Michael.
There was something off about him.
Good idea.
Find out what you can so we can expose him.
You know, if it wasn't for that Michael guy, Bear wouldn't have even been introduced to that backstabbing Bro Code violator! What do you mean, Joffrey makes love to you the way you deserve to be made love to, gently and tenderly, but at the same time firmly and forceful? Oh, really? Well, I find that hard to believe.
Okay, on the count of three, let's both say our penis sizes.
One, two, three Tiny! Wait, did you just say, "Thick as a brick"? She's not even Facebook friends with him.
How well could she know him? I mean, she's Facebook friends with her high school krump instructor.
Maybe we're wasting our time.
I mean, maybe Kristen has found a perfect guy.
He's tall, good-looking, smart, has the fresh scent of a woman's nether regions, he's got GPS Wait-- the scent of what? A woman's nether regions.
Was the scent Kristen's? No, no, way less pumpkiny.
And also, it was very fresh, like no more than an hour old.
Wilfred, that means he fooled around with someone before he picked up my sister.
If we could find You're making this up, aren't you? And why would I do that? Because, if she breaks it off with Michael, then she won't need me to babysit, which means Joffrey won't be around to steal Bear away from you.
I'm telling you, that guy reeked of nether regions.
And if there's one thing I never lie about, it's guys reeking of nether regions! Wilfred, have you seen the bottle with Kristen's breast milk? Ah Well, well, well, without his precious energy drink, it looks like baby Joffrey won't have the strength to jackhammer Bear for a whole hour again tonight.
Right in front of me, too.
Rude.
Turn down this alley.
There's a shortcut to the CVS.
How do I know what kind of formula to buy? Why don't you ask Kristen? Because I don't feel like explaining that the dog drank her breast milk.
I'm supposed to be proving that I can be responsible, remember? Turn left here.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Wait-- I don't see a CVS.
There's a liquor store Gennaro's? Wilfred! What are you doing?! Wilfred! Is this Michael's car? I sure hope so.
Wilfred! You get out of there! What if someone sees us? Hello, Michael McDerry.
You got his name? Uh-huh.
Uh, check the GPS.
The last address.
I like the way you think, mate.
Hurry! Another woman's name.
See, I told you I wasn't bullshitting.
He was with this non-pumpkiny Gloria chick just before he came to pick up Kristen.
All we have to do now is go to her house and Oh, my God.
What? Is there something else? His middle name is Paul.
So? Don't you see what this means? Paul? Paul the Ball? Oh, man.
We are gonna rip on this guy so bad.
Paul the Ball.
Come on.
"Responsible Insurance"? This is so weird.
What, is he hooking up with his insurance agent? Well, look.
I think we have all the evidence we need.
I say we go back to Gennaro's, maybe split an appetizer, definitely try the cannelloni with walnuts and fried sage-- it's all anyone's talking about on Yelp-- then stab Michael's face three or four dozen times.
But it's not enough evidence, Wilfred.
Ryan, I'm telling you.
Him, his GPS, his steering wheel, all smacking of the fresh scent of nether regions.
Oh, will you stop saying "nether regions"? No one calls it that.
It's weird.
I'm just using the clinical term.
Is everything okay out here? Sorry.
I was just looking for someone.
Who were you looking for? Someone named Gloria.
Come inside.
Now who am I speaking to? No real names.
Say Shabazzleford.
Sha Dave.
Mmm Will Gloria be joining us? I am Gloria.
So, Dave who should we thank for this referral? It's not her, Dave.
I'm sorry.
I- I think I've made a mistake.
I- I should really leave.
Who told you about us, Dave? Oh, there's no need to be nervous.
Michael.
Michael McDerry.
Oh Well, why didn't you say so? Michael's a really good friend of the agency's.
Come on.
Follow.
Whoa.
You know what this place is.
The nether regions have got to be here somewhere.
I'll find them.
By the way, Dave, I feel like I need to be candid with you: We absolutely forbid the involvement of children.
But I am more than happy to watch over the baby while you and your dog realize your very own unique, special fantasy.
No So you just let me know when you see something you like, okay? She's here.
Are you sure? Positive.
Are you chewing gum? No.
Dogs can't chew gum, Ryan.
Shit.
Kristen.
How's dinner? Ryan, where the hell are you? Where is Joffrey? Is Joffrey okay? R- Ryan? Ryan! Oh Hey, guys.
Uh, sorry to scare you like that.
How come you're back so early? Someone broke into Michael's car.
Oh Oh, God.
You took Joffrey out without his hat? He could've gotten pneumonia.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think about it.
.
I actually did think about it, but I wanted Joffrey to catch pneumonia, 'cause, well dude's a dick.
That was so irresponsible, Ryan.
It is pretty cold out there.
Really? You're the last person that should be passing judgment on anyone.
Excuse me? I know what you've been doing at Gloria's.
What? Who's Gloria? Yeah, Michael, who is Gloria? She's just, um You know what? I'd rather not talk about her.
Oh, because you don't want to tell Kristen about the illegal brothel that you've been frequenting? I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Michael was with a prostitute right before he picked you up for your date tonight.
Ryan, what the hell are you talking about? Are you insane? No, it's it's true.
But-but it's not what you think.
The prostitute was a patient.
Patient? Michael's a gynecologist, Ryan.
Yeah, I do pro bono work for an organization called Safety First.
Most of the women are illegals.
They're scared, uneducated, and they don't have access to health insurance.
So I perform free blood work, Pap smears.
In fact, earlier tonight, I had to make an emergency visit because one of the women was suffering from an infection of the nether regions.
You know, I have to say, the fact that you snooped around and secretly gathered all of this information about me, it makes me very uncomfortable.
Michael, I hope you know I had nothing I- I think I'd better leave.
Well, Ryan, you were right.
I guess I was letting a crazy person hang around Joffrey: you.
No You can obviously forget about the legal guardianship.
Kristen, wait.
Oh, my God.
Are those ants? Not just any ants.
Ugh! Oh, you love Joffrey now? Look at his hairline! It's only gonna get worse.
You tattooed his name on the inside of your lower lip?! Gah! If I can't have you, no one will! Just let it happen.
Into the light.
Shh Oh, hey, Ryan.
What's up? "What's up?" Thanks to your little love triangle, my sister isn't speaking to me.
Hey, I'm a victim here, too.
If Bear hadn't messed around with one of my best friends, none of this would've happened.
Nobody messed around with anybody.
Bear is a stuffed animal, and Joffrey is a baby.
The relationship between Bear and Joffrey is very real.
And he's not a baby where it counts! Okay.
You want to play this game? You say you want Bear to meet someone else, but the second Bear actually does, you freak out and start interfering and sabotaging.
You talking about me and Bear or you and Kristen? What? Ryan we're a crazy pair.
Sometimes, when you think you're looking out for Jesus! Why won't you die?! Ryan, aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend? This bear is for Joffrey.
What's up, Responsible Insurance? Huh? Oh, you know, from earlier.
The insurance company we went to, and then in the back room they were running the prostitution ring? And since you're offering the new bear to Joffrey, you're sort of running your own quasi-prostitution Whatever.
You don't get it.
No, I get it.
What are you doing here? Hi, Kristen.
Your brother Ryan sent me over to say he's sorry.
Can we talk? Only if you promise never to do that voice again.
Maybe on some level, I'm worried that if you find happiness with someone, you won't need me anymore.
Ryan, you're my brother.
I'll always need you.
And so will Joffrey.
You know, in case you haven't noticed, you're not the only one who needs to feel needed.
I guess we both have some issues we have to work out.
And then I said, "What's up, Responsible Insurance?" Exactly! Thank you! Would it help if I called Michael and apologized? Nah, don't bother.
I doubt it would've worked out anyway.
He drives a Honda.
And he's so pale.
Anyway, that's the last time I let Dad set me up.
Dad? You said you met him at yoga.
Well, yeah, well, I lied.
I figured you'd freak out if you knew Dad was involved.
But here is the truth, Ryan: Dad met a wonderful guy, and he thought he'd be perfect for his daughter.
And I know you think Dad's always up to something, but it's not true.
He isn't out to get you.
In fact, he was the one who convinced me to let you babysit when he had to cancel at the last minute.
Dad was the original babysitter? Yeah.
Why? Well, this is a surprise.
Let me be clear: I'm not calling to say hello or to catch up.
I just have one thing to say.
All right, well This is a strange way to open our first conversation in over a year, Ryan, but go ahead.
I know what you did.
Okay.
What did I do? Setting Kristen up with Michael, offering to babysit, canceling at the last minute and advising her to call me.
You knew I'd screw things up with Kristen.
You wanted me to, so that she'd give you the legal guardianship, and not me.
It was a giant manipulation.
Do you realize how crazy that sounds? I'm not the bad guy, Ryan.
Just stay out of my life.
Ryan, wait.
It was good to hear your voice, son.