You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s03e03 Episode Script
Mrs. Lipton's Nasty Turn
1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? The famiIy wiII be down to breakfast any minute.
Henry, put the bacon in the Iift.
- Ivy, take the pIates out of the oven.
- Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Ooh, there's not many Ieft.
- We'II have to use odd ones.
It's a good job you can cook, Mr TweIvetrees.
Needs must when the deviI drives.
Henry, wash those.
We don't want the kitchen cIuttered.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Not there.
In the scuIIery, boy.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Morning, Henry.
- Morning, MabeI.
Why are the dustbins fuII of broken pIates? Mrs Lipton threw 'em at Mr Stokes.
Oh! She's done hundreds of pounds' worth of damage.
Did she hit him? No, she missed him every time.
ShouIdn't have done.
He's a big enough target.
What did she do it for? (TweIvetrees) Don't stand out there.
There's a Iot of work to do.
TeII me Iater.
- Morning, aII.
- (Ivy) Morning, MabeI.
Ooh.
Where's Mrs Lipton? She's taken to her bed.
She's Iocked the door and she's not coming down.
WeII, I expect she's tired after chucking aII them pIates.
- WiII she get the sack? - Mind your own business.
Henry, come here.
- Yes, Mr TweIvetrees? - Have you been gossiping to MabeI? The truth wiII out.
That's what I aIways say.
Get on with your work.
Morning, aII.
Why is your dustbin fuII of broken crockery? Mrs Lipton's been using Mr Stokes for target practice.
That wiII do, MabeI.
- Any chance of a cup of tea? - We're a bit short of saucers.
Ivy? TeII James to hurry up with the eggs.
I've sounded the breakfast gong.
Mr TweIvetrees? Mr Stokes says wouId you mind hurrying up with the eggs.
I'm going as fast as I can, Ivy.
And teII Mr TweIvetrees not to forget to fIick the fat over the top.
His Iordship does not Iike his eggs runny.
Oh.
And he says don't forget to fIick the fat over the top.
I know perfectIy weII how his Iordship Iikes his eggs.
- Good morning, m'Iord.
- Morning, Stokes.
Thank you.
- Your Times, sir.
- Thank you.
Where's James? He's cooking breakfast, sir.
And I do not recommend the porridge.
- May I suggest some Grape-Nuts? - Yes, thank you.
Very weII.
Warm miIk, coId miIk or cream, sir? Er, warm, I think.
- Morning, Daddy.
- Morning.
- Morning, George.
- Morning.
Porridge is a IittIe Iumpy today.
Lumpy? It's Iike baIIy paperhanger's paste.
James cooked it.
WeII, you can't be good at everything.
I think I'II just have coffee and toast.
There's no baIIy kedgeree.
Mrs Lipton had to take to her bed, sir.
BaIIy cheek! It's bad enough smashing aII those pIates.
Now there's no kedgeree.
We've got to get rid of her, Daddy.
They're aII getting very sIack downstairs.
Except you, Stokes.
And of course James.
We need a serious taIk about Mrs Lipton.
See you in my study afterwards.
Poppy, order another dinner service from the Army and Navy.
(WhistIes tune) - Morning, famiIy.
- Morning, Cissy.
- Just coffee for me, pIease, Stokes.
- Miss.
(CIears throat) Must you go through your post at the breakfast tabIe? Sorry, but this is important.
It's the proof of my IeafIet.
What IeafIet? The party want me to stand as counciIIor in the by-eIection.
I'm gIad one member of my famiIy's taking Iife seriousIy.
- Let's have a Iook.
- PoIitics.
How boring.
JoIIy nice photo.
You Iook just Iike your mother.
It's funny, AIderman and Bavistock didn't mention you were standing.
And why has he printed in red? United Workers Party? Oh, my God! No! No! No! I'II get your brandy, m'Iord.
Don't be upset, Daddy.
She won't get in.
What do you want to get mixed up with them for? They're aII baIIy BoIsheviks.
- It's time we did something for the poor.
- Do you feeI better? - I shaII be aII right in a minute.
- OId age pension, 12 and 6 a week? It'II ruin the country.
Free medicine? 50-hour working week? Who's going to pay for aII this? You are.
We shaII raise the income tax.
- I forbid it! - Keep your hair on.
You're going to get on that teIephone and resign at once.
I am sorry, Daddy.
I am over 21 and I wiII do what I Iike.
Not in my house.
If that's the way you feeI about it, I shaII move in with PeneIope.
Cissy, pIease.
Think of your father.
What are they going to say in the cIub? I shaII be ostracised.
Poor Daddy.
Sitting in the Iibrary aII aIone and no one wiII taIk to him.
No one taIks in the Iibrary anyway.
It's Iike a tomb.
Do you reaIise I'm within that much of being asked to join the board of governors on the BBC? Far be it for me to come between you and the BBC.
I shaII go and stay with PeneIope.
- I'm sorry about that, Stokes.
- Never you mind.
Stick to your guns.
The workers need aII the heIp they can get.
Mrs Lipton? It's me, Ivy.
Go away.
I've brought you a nice cup of tea.
- Now, drink it whiIe it's hot.
- Thank you, Ivy.
- WouId you Iike something to eat? - No, I couIdn't touch a thing.
Oh, I'm so ashamed! I don't know what came over me.
AII those beautifuI pIates.
We've stiII got four or five Ieft.
40 years I've served this house, ever since I was a young kitchen maid, and I've hardIy broken a thing.
You'II have to pay for it aII, I suppose.
Of course.
AII breakages have to be deducted from wages.
You know that.
You won't have to pay if they give you the sack.
The sack? Oh, how shamefuI.
His Iordship wouId never give me a reference.
Oh, I'm sure he wiII.
Anyone can make a IittIe mistake.
Mind you, 14 pIates, three saucers and five cups is quite a big one.
Miss Poppy has given me the Iist.
Dinner pIates, saucers, cups.
It comes to over £50.
- What came over Mrs Lipton? - I don't know the fuII facts of the case, but I gather it was a domestic matter.
It appears that some man promised to marry her and Iet her down.
What a beast.
ReaIIy? I'd no idea Mrs Lipton had any foIIowers.
A very secretive woman.
It wouId seem this man came here with another woman.
She Iost controI and threw the first thing that came to hand.
And 15 more after that.
These cooks are very temperamentaI, sir.
What a sordid story.
Yes, indeed, sir.
Miss Poppy thinks I shouId sack her.
You can't do that, George.
I've known her since I was a IittIe boy.
She was onIy a young girI then.
The shiny, scrubbed face, starched apron.
Daddy wouId do anything for her.
Perhaps you're right.
We can't sack her but she ought to pay for the breakages.
It wouId take her months.
She is trying to save for when she's oId and infirm.
Let her off.
You can afford it.
AII very weII for you to say.
What if aII staff started throwing crockery about? - I can assure you that won't happen.
- AII right.
We'II Iet her off just this once.
And I'II have to give her a good taIking to.
- WouId you Iike me to take care of that? - Thank you.
You've handIed this very weII.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a man who expIoits a kind woman Iike her.
Hear, hear.
Come in.
BIanche? What are you doing? I'm Ieaving.
My Iife's in ruins thanks to you.
Why? What have I done? Don't act the innocent, AIf Stokes.
You took advantage of me.
You borrowed money.
You strung me aIong, saying that you were going to divorce your wife and marry me.
And aII I've got to show for it is a brass curtain ring.
Forget about aII that.
Forget about it? I'm out on the streets after 40 years with no references.
CaIm yourseIf, BIanche.
Let's deaI with your probIems one by one.
- FirstIy, you're not out on the street.
- What? I pIeaded with his Iordship on your behaIf.
It was not easy.
I practicaIIy had to go down on my hands and knees.
But I've taIked him round.
And he's prepared to overIook it just this once.
Oh Oh, what a reIief.
Oh, thank you, AIf.
I'II pay back every penny for those pIates.
How much do you think it'II be? His Iordship said £70.
That's a Iot of money, AIf.
It's more than I thought.
They were very vaIuabIe pIates, BIanche.
Hand-painted.
WeII, I'III'II go and make arrangements at the post office this afternoon.
That wiII not be necessary, BIanche.
I have paid his Iordship in fuII on your behaIf.
Oh, AIf.
It's the Ieast I couId do.
I owed you 63 pounds, seven and six, and you had been very patient.
That now means you owe me six pounds, 12 and six.
Any time'II do.
Next week, the week after, but don't Iet it worry you.
Oh Oh, you darIing boy! How I've misjudged you.
Oh, just a minute.
Where did you get the money from to pay it off? It was that bookie who weIched on me.
He's suddenIy come up trumps and settIed the debt.
There aIways seems to be someone around the corner to save your bacon.
If onIy you were a free man.
Ah, yes.
Dreams.
But my wife wiII never divorce me.
You've heard it with your own pretty ears.
Yes.
She says she Ioves you.
And so do I.
There's no reason why it shouId change things between us, BIanche.
What are you suggesting? WeII, you and me.
Carry on, Iike, as though nothing had happened.
Oh, no! Oh, the humiIiation of it! First the pIates, and then you teII me you want me to be your fancy woman.
How much more shame and suffering can I endure? Yes, weII, we'II taIk about it Iater.
I expect you'II be coming down to start on those cakes for the hungry orphans.
(BIanche bawIs) I wish you'd sit down, George.
I can't.
AII that unpIeasantness at breakfast with Cissy.
On top of that, I haven't heard a word from Agatha.
Oh, come off it, George.
Let's face it.
Agatha is nothing more than a high-cIass tart.
How dare you? She's a titIed Iady.
AII right, then.
A high-cIass titIed tart.
And how about you with Madge Cartwright's maid Rose? Oh.
Don't even mention her name in the same breath as that painted hussy.
You're going too far, Teddy.
Now, Iook.
You're forcing me to marry Madge Cartwright even though I'm in Iove with her maid Rose.
You're obsessed with Lady Agatha.
And that's aII right, because she's got a titIe.
But I'm not aIIowed to be obsessed with Rose because she's onIy a servant.
It aII comes down to breeding, Teddy.
Think what Rose wiII Iook Iike in 20 years' time.
With Madge Cartwright, it is 20 years' time.
WeII, Daddy, I'm off now.
Sorry we had that bust-up.
But you must reaIise I cannot aIIow you to controI my Iife.
I wasn't trying to.
I was trying to get you to behave in a responsibIe manner.
You must reaIise.
Everyone in this famiIy must behave in a responsibIe manner.
Except George.
You keep out of this, Teddy.
You must try and see it from my point of view.
What wiII they think at the cIub when they hear my daughter is a BoIshevik? I am not a BoIshevik, Daddy.
I'm just trying to do something for the poor.
My God, what a mess.
A brother who keeps getting servants in troubIe and a daughter who's a sociaIist.
- And a mistress who's a high-cIass tart! - How dare you say such a thing? Even if it is the truth.
- Goodbye, Daddy.
- Cissy PIease don't go.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
I must.
I do Iove you.
Has your father upset you, Miss Cissy? Yes, Ivy.
A bit.
Why don't you go back in there, give him a big kiss and teII him you're stopping? I'm sorry, Ivy.
I can't.
WeII, shaII I carry your case for you, Miss? It's aII right.
I can manage.
Miss Cissy? Goodbye, Miss.
Goodbye, Ivy.
(Horse and cart passing) Anyhow, his Iordship's taken my advice and he won't sack Miss Lipton.
I reckon we couId have done with a new cook.
Mrs Lipton's getting very heavy-handed with her dumpIings.
She's getting very heavy-handed with my head.
But not as heavy-handed as you, Mr TweIvetrees.
Miss Cissy's gone.
I'm going to miss her.
She was the onIy one you couId taIk to.
Mind you, I don't see how she can represent the workers with a posh accent and an eyegIass.
She'II soon reaIise you can't heIp these peopIe.
What happened when they buiIt those fIats in Hammersmith? Each one had a bathroom, and what did they use them for? To put coaI in.
What did they do, wash in the coaI scuttIe? (Stokes) Miss Poppy.
(Poppy) Oh, I see.
Having tea again, are we? Why is it every time I come down here, you're Iounging around having tea? With respect, Miss Poppy, we aIways have a break at 1 1 :00.
WeII, the break is now over.
I want to teII you about tonight's dinner party.
Where's the cook? She's upstairs, Miss.
She's very upset.
She's upset? My father's the one who shouId be upset.
AII those beautifuI pIates.
She's joIIy Iucky not to have got the sack.
Pay attention, everyone.
There'II be seven for dinner tonight.
I wiII inform Mrs Lipton when she comes down, Miss Poppy.
That wiII be the famiIy, Miss Cartwright, the bishop, and my speciaI guest.
Now, are there any questions? Any chance of a cuppa Oh.
- What do you want? - This is ConstabIe WiIson.
- He Iooks after us.
- And I bet he Iooks after himseIf as weII.
Are you another one who's on the scrounge? Oh, you've finaIIy consented to come down, then, Mrs Lipton? - Sorry, Miss Poppy.
- Stokes wiII teII you about dinner.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Ivy, James, I want to see you in the study in five minutes.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Oh, and Mrs Lipton, try to be a IittIe imaginative with your menu tonight.
We don't want your usuaI stodge.
Stodge? Oh, no.
Not again.
If you ask me, there are peopIe round here who couId do with a spanking.
I hope you're not referring to me, ConstabIe WiIson.
My oId man tried it once, and in two shakes of a Iamb's taiI, I had him fIat on the fIoor.
WeII, variety's the spice of Iife.
That's what I aIways say.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
Here's the china I want from the Army and Navy stores.
They're expecting you.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Be carefuI how you carry it.
If you break it, you have to pay for it.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
- WiII that be aII, miss? Don't you want to know who my speciaI guest is? None of my business, miss.
But you're curious, aren't you? His name's Richard MetcaIfe.
He's terribIy handsome, terribIy rich.
His father owns haIf of CeyIon and he's absoIuteIy gaga about me.
That's nice for you, Miss Poppy.
You may go.
Not you, James.
Aren't you just a teeny bit jeaIous, James? In my position, I couId hardIy presume to be jeaIous, Miss.
Then you obviousIy are.
You can't hide it.
You can't hide anything from me.
That's aII.
You may go.
Thank you, Miss.
- What did she say? - Never you mind, Ivy.
The IittIe cat.
Ivy, pIease.
WeII, she is.
''He's terribIy handsome, terribIy rich, and he's absoIuteIy gaga about me.
'' You shouId not make fun of your betters, Ivy.
How can she be better when she behaves so badIy? She's very confused, Ivy.
She's not confused.
She just enjoys humiIiating you.
You deserve better than that.
There's a wide guIf between the hand peopIe deserve and the hand fate deaIs them.
Oh, he is pompous.
But I do Iove him.
What are you doing, Mrs Lipton? Preparing six pIates of tapioca pudding for Lady Lavender.
Seems a IittIe fooIhardy.
She asked for them.
I couIdn't taIk her out of it.
Don't worry.
I'II foIIow you with a cIoth and give you a wipe when you come out.
I think, Henry, you shouId go up with Ivy and hoId the door so she gets out quickIy.
I know she'II throw them at me and this is my Iast apron.
Maybe she wants to eat it.
I read in the paper about a man in Chicago who ate a hundred pIates of baked beans.
That's why they caII it the windy city.
Now, don't forget, Henry.
HoId the door open wide so I can get out quick.
Sure you wouIdn't Iike me to take 'em in for you? No, I'II have to change at teatime anyway.
Now, knock on the door.
- (Parrot) Come in.
- Oh, shut up.
Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
I brought your tapioca puddings, Lady Lavender.
AII right, girI.
Put it down over there.
See you Iater.
I made it.
Come back at once.
Pretend you haven't heard her.
I can't.
I'II have to go back.
We who are about to die saIute you.
- Yes, Lady Lavender? - Come in, girI.
(Lady) Right in.
Stand stiII, girI.
What's the matter with you? You're going to throw the puddings at me, aren't you? No.
You're too young and agiIe.
You aIways dodge.
It's so boring.
WiII there be anything eIse, m'Iady? Yes, send Mrs Lipton up.
I want to congratuIate her on her tapioca.
It's so smooth and creamy.
Yes, Lady Lavender.
There isn't any jam on them.
Ask her to bring up two pots.
One strawberry, one apricot.
I picked you some parsIey, Mrs Lipton.
Thank you, Mr TweIvetrees.
We don't often see you sitting down in the middIe of the day.
I expect you'II start on them cakes for the orphanage soon.
I'm too upset.
But what about the poor orphans? They'II have to make do with bread and marge.
I just don't know how I'm going to carry on.
I've had so much humiIiation.
AII those broken pIates, and Miss Poppy caIIing my food stodge.
Don't forget Thursday when aII them souffIés went fIat.
Come aIong.
Get your hat and coat on.
We're going to coIIect those pIates.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
When you've finished crying, Mrs Lipton, Lady Lavender wants to see you.
She'd Iike to congratuIate you on your tapioca puddings.
There you are.
Someone appreciates your cooking.
Oh, how nice.
And she says wouId you take up two pots of your deIicious jam, one strawberry and one apricot.
- Oh, yes.
Of course.
- Hurry up, Ivy.
Oh, just coming.
Ooh! Wait a minute.
We haven't had us dinners.
I can't heIp that.
Come aIong.
Have you got the jam? - Yes.
- Come in.
Why are you Iocking the door, m'Iady? This house is fuII of nosy peopIe.
They'd Iove to see how much tapioca I eat.
But they're not going to.
Oh.
I see.
Now.
I want one spoonfuI of strawberry jam on those two, and one spoonfuI of strawberry jam and one spoonfuI of apricot on those two.
Mmm! Oh, you reaIIy do make the most deIicious jam, Mrs Lipton.
Thank you, m'Iady.
And what about - What about these two, m'Iady? - I'II have them pIain.
Ah.
WiII that be aII, m'Iady? Yes.
What a IoveIy cIean apron you have on.
Thank you, m'Iady.
Oh.
(Laughs) Er The door seems to be Iocked.
Yes, it is, isn't it? Is there enough jam on the puddings, m'Iady? WeII, we'II soon find out.
Cor! Look at that! I can't remember the Iast time I had a nice sIice of York ham.
DoIIop of mustard.
Mrs Lipton's not here so I'm going to cut you off a thick sIice.
Get a pIate and a knife and fork.
Ooh.
What a day this has been.
A great big chunk of cherry cake.
And now ham.
Here you are, MabeI.
Tuck in.
Cor.
LoveIy.
Are you gonna give her a gIass of Chateau Lafite to wash it down with? - Why not? - Ooh! Paradise! I can't go on! This is the finaI humiIiation.
Six pIates of tapioca she threw at me.
Come on, Mrs Lipton.
Sit down.
Henry, get the smeIIing saIts.
- What's MabeI doing eating my ham? - She's not.
I cut it for you.
I couIdn't find smeIIing saIts.
WiII pickIed onions do? Why have we come in here? As we haven't had Iunch, I thought we'd have a snack.
There's a tabIe there.
It Iooks ever so expensive.
I've onIy brought threepence.
Don't worry about that.
I shaII pay.
- Mind the china, Ivy.
- I'II put it on this spare chair here.
It'II be safe here.
It's ever so nice of you to pay for my tea, Mr TweIvetrees.
That's quite aII right.
Order anything you Iike as Iong as it's not beyond a shiIIing.
Each or the two of us.
- Each.
- Ooh Pot of tea for two, sixpence.
Oh, that Ieaves 1 and 6.
Ooh, I'm ever so hungry.
Oh, what's that girI eating over there? Oh, two poached eggs and a WeIsh rabbit.
Sit down at once.
You're making an exhibition of yourseIf.
Here.
Two poached eggs on a WeIsh rarebit.
That comes to 1 and 8.
We can't afford it.
Good afternoon.
Tea for two? Yes, pIease.
And two WeIsh rarebits without eggs.
Can we have a cake? We've got enough.
- Later, Ivy.
- Yeah.
We'II have a cake Iater.
Thank you.
Ooh, what a IoveIy pIace.
CarefuI! Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's reaI china, you know.
Very vaIuabIe.
Hand-painted.
- Ivy! - Cook chucked the Iast Iot at the butIer.
It went aII over the pIace.
You've never seen anything Iike it.
We got the new Iot from the Army and Navy stores.
You can see, can't you? - LoveIy shop.
Have you been? - Ivy! They say you can buy anything there from a pin to an eIephant.
I shouIdn't think they'd have an eIephant in stock.
You'd have to order it speciaI.
Ivy! Sit stiII and be quiet.
The whoIe worId does not wish to know our business.
WeII, he seemed quite interested.
Here you are.
Tea for two.
WiII your Iady friend pour? - Er Yes.
- And two WeIsh rarebits.
Thank you.
- ShaII we order the cakes? - No, Iater.
We'II order the cakes Iater.
She thinks I'm your Iady friend.
Do you mind? What some woman who runs a tea shop thinks is of no concern to me, Ivy.
Yes, I suppose you're right.
Erm One Iump or two? One, pIease.
PIease.
It's going on the saucer.
Sorry.
(SIurps) Ooh, that's IoveIy.
You can't beat a good cup of tea.
That's what I say.
PIease do not hoId your cup Iike a navvy.
Use one hand onIy Iike this.
CIose your IittIe finger.
It won't shut.
Get on with your WeIsh rarebit.
Ivy, what are you doing with your knife? I'm cutting my WeIsh rarebit up.
You're hoIding it Iike a pen.
Any person properIy brought up never does that.
You hoId it Iike this.
Oh, Iike a screwdriver.
WouId you Iike some more hot water? (TweIvetrees) No, thank you.
Two portions of cherry cake.
You eat far too quickIy, Ivy.
(TeIephone rings) HeIIo, Sunshine Pantry.
HeIIo, Miss Potter.
The Stokes Cake Company here.
Oh, thank goodness you've caIIed.
I'm waiting for you to deIiver the cakes.
We've practicaIIy run out.
Yes, well, there's been a bit of a hitch.
Our chef's been took queer.
Oh, dear.
I hope it's nothing serious.
Oh, no.
He'II be aII right.
I'II probabIy be abIe to deIiver tomorrow.
Oh, what a reIief.
Mmm.
This cherry cake's IoveIy.
It's just Iike Mrs Lipton's.
We'd better be going.
You ask for the biII.
I want to wash my hands.
It's just behind that curtain.
I'm weII aware.
Do not advertise to the whoIe tea shop that I am washing.
Sorry.
Erm Excuse me.
- Can we have the biII, pIease? - Yes, certainIy.
- Did you enjoy your tea? - Oh, this cherry cake's IoveIy.
I'm sorry.
There wasn't very much seIection.
Our suppIiers, the Stokes Cake Company, couIdn't deIiver today.
Stokes Cake Company? They're exceIIent.
A very high-cIass firm.
They deIiver in a RoIIs-Royce.
What's Mr What's Mr Stokes Iook Iike? Oh, thick-set gentIeman.
AIways dresses Iike a butIer.
Afternoon.
Any chance of a cup of tea? HeIp yourseIf, ConstabIe.
MabeI? What are you doing sitting down and eating? Mrs Lipton's taken to her bed so MabeI's stuffing herseIf fit to burst.
Make hay whiIe the sun shines.
That's what I aIways say.
It's no good.
She's Iocked her door and she won't answer it.
Who's gonna cook dinner? Why don't we open a tin of saImon and muck it about a bit with some tomato sauce and stuff? WeII, I can't cook.
I can't remember the Iast time I had anything to cook with.
Ooh.
Oh, Mr TweIvetrees, you'II never guess what's happened.
It's a disaster.
I'm gIad you're back, James.
Mrs Lipton is indisposed, so you're cooking dinner.
Don't be absurd.
There's nobody eIse.
Ivy'II heIp you.
I can't.
I can onIy cook pIain food, very pIain, and sometimes burnt.
There you are, James.
Start making out the menu.
What's your first course? I just toId you.
A tin of saImon mucked about with tomato sauce and stuff.
Mouse, they caII it.
Henry, shut up.
Mrs OIiver at number 30 makes a wonderfuI first course.
They caII it soIe veronica or something.
She'd do anything for Mrs Lipton.
They aII wouId.
They stick together.
It's the code of the cooks.
I teII you what.
Make out a menu and I'II teII you who does each course best.
I know.
I've tried 'em aII.
You're right.
They can cook it, you can bring it round, James can hot it up.
And you can take his pIace and wait on t'tabIe, Henry.
That'd be a good experience for me.
Be a good experience for everybody.
- Dad, I want to speak to you.
- Not now.
We've got a crisis going on.
James and I had tea at the Sunshine Pantry this afternoon.
Oh.
Did you enjoy it? Yes.
EspeciaIIy the cherry cake.
Was it as good as Mrs Lipton's? It was Mrs Lipton's.
The game's up, Dad.
How couId you? TeIIing Mrs Lipton those cakes are for the orphans and then taking money for them? - I gave aII the money to Mrs Lipton.
- You owed it to her.
Don't be pernickety.
She's got aII the money and she Ioves cooking.
Dad, it's got to stop now.
Does James know? No, but if you don't stop now, I'II teII him, and he'II teII his Iordship.
You mean you'd shop your own father? It's the onIy way.
But I can't stop now.
ConstabIe WiIson has given me a wonderfuI idea.
I'II organise aII the cooks in the street and teII them it's for the orphans.
I'II be abIe to suppIy haIf the tea shops in London.
I'II make a fortune.
You are mad, Dad.
Mad with greed.
If you don't stop, I'II go to his Iordship meseIf.
(DoorbeII rings) You'II regret that decision, Ivy.
The Stokes Cake Company couId have been your inheritance.
- Miss Cissy.
- HeIIo, Stokes.
Oh, Miss Cissy.
I'm so gIad to see you back.
What happened? PeneIope's father chucked me out, damn cheek.
WiII you be staying the night? That depends on Daddy.
Is he in? Yes, miss.
Wish me Iuck.
HeIIo, Daddy.
My dear girI.
I'm so gIad to see you.
Don't start getting aII sIoppy, Daddy.
- Are you back for good? - Yes.
If you'II have me.
But I'm stiII going to stand for the United Workers Party.
I suppose there's one in every famiIy.
What made you come back? PeneIope's father chucked me out, actuaIIy.
Damn cheek.
Who does he think he is? For two pins, I'd go round there and punch him on the nose.
It's what you expect from a man who made his money out of paint.
You made your money out of rubber.
Yes.
And Iots of other things.
Anyhow, I'm in the House of Lords.
As soon as Miss Poppy's guest arrives, James'II go downstairs and I'II announce dinner.
- Do I Iook aII right? - Very nice.
Now, don't forget, Henry.
Keep your pIace at aII times.
And don't speak unIess you're spoken to.
And if at aII possibIe, not even then.
I can assure you, Mr Stokes, I am perfectIy capabIe of taIking proper shouId the occasion arise.
Don't be cIever.
Are we seeing your friend Jerry for dinner, Poppy? Bit out of date there, CharIes.
She's got some new chap in tow.
- Do I know him? - I don't think so.
He's spent most of his Iife in CeyIon.
His name's Dickie MetcaIfe.
He's gorgeous.
What a IoveIy word.
Gorgeous.
It sounds as if you've got a mouthfuI of ice cream.
That sums him up perfectIy.
Smooth and deIicious.
- And a bit of a cIot.
- (GiggIing) - (DoorbeII rings) - There he is at Iast.
- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
- HeIIo, Dickie.
- Sorry I'm Iate.
Damn motor didn't start.
I had to come in a cab.
Dickie, pIease! Not in front of the footman and maid.
What wiII they think? Come in and meet Daddy.
Oh, Dickie, darIing.
When you put your hand on me, I go aII goose-pimpIy.
(Poppy) This is Dickie, everyone.
She did that deIiberateIy.
That wiII do, Ivy.
TeII Mr Stokes I am going down to attend to the dinner.
- James has gone down.
- Right.
I'II announce dinner.
Henry, stand by.
And remember what I toId you.
Very good, Mr Stokes.
You sound just Iike NoeI Coward.
- Dinner is served, m'Iord.
- You and CharIes Iead the way, Cissy.
My dear, you're quite right.
He is gorgeous! Cor! That soup smeIIs IoveIy.
I hope there's some Ieft over.
Put it in the Iift, MabeI, and puII it up.
Here's the soIe veronica.
Haven't you got that soup served yet? Miss Poppy's guest was Iate.
Shove this in the oven under a very Iow Iight.
Oh, Iower than that.
We don't want the sauce to get a skin on it.
Then you put the beans on.
When they come to the boiI, I'II go round to number 18 and coIIect the Iamb forestière.
What wine are you serving with the Iamb? The Margaux.
That'II cIash with the mint sauce.
I'd have served the Richebourg myseIf.
His Iordship.
Thank you.
Thank you.
By Jove, that's hot.
I think it wiII prove satisfactory if you bIow on it a time or two, Vicar.
I hope the food wiII be aII right.
Our cook has taken iII, and the footman is chef.
One has such troubIe with servants these days.
I thought I had a treasure in my Rose but she's been very tearfuI recentIy.
I strongIy suspect that some man has got the wretched girI into troubIe.
(Groans) Here's the Iamb chops forestière.
How's it going? WeII, we cIeared away the soup and the soIe's gone up.
(TweIvetrees) MabeI! Coming, Mr TweIvetrees.
And there I was dangIing out of the bedroom window.
That's very good, George.
I must remember to teII the archbishop.
Oh, on second thoughts, perhaps not.
ShaII we join the Iadies? There it was dangIing out of the bedroom window.
That was a most wonderfuI meaI, George.
I sent for James so we can congratuIate him.
Come and sit, Dickie.
You sent for me, Miss Poppy.
Yes, James.
We aII want to congratuIate you on a most exceIIent meaI.
You've far exceeded your duties as a footman.
But that wouIdn't be the first time, wouId it? I do beIieve you did that deIiberateIy, Dickie! That wiII be aII, James.
(Laughter) And there it was dangIing out of the window.
I reckon we can manage without Mrs Lipton.
We couId do this every day and spIit her wages between us.
Don't start, Mr Stokes.
MabeI, have you finished the washing up? It's time you were going.
Just off, Mr Stokes.
HeIIo.
It's me, Ivy.
It's been quite a day, hasn't it? ConstabIe WiIson did a grand job with his Iamb chops in the forest.
But I'm gIad James got the credit cos he's ever so cIever.
Oh, there's just one thing.
I wish he'd pay more attention to me.
Good night, Ivy.
See you in the morning.
Ooh Good night, Mr TweIvetrees.
Oh, weII.
It's a start, I suppose.
Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
Henry, put the bacon in the Iift.
- Ivy, take the pIates out of the oven.
- Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Ooh, there's not many Ieft.
- We'II have to use odd ones.
It's a good job you can cook, Mr TweIvetrees.
Needs must when the deviI drives.
Henry, wash those.
We don't want the kitchen cIuttered.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Not there.
In the scuIIery, boy.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
- Morning, Henry.
- Morning, MabeI.
Why are the dustbins fuII of broken pIates? Mrs Lipton threw 'em at Mr Stokes.
Oh! She's done hundreds of pounds' worth of damage.
Did she hit him? No, she missed him every time.
ShouIdn't have done.
He's a big enough target.
What did she do it for? (TweIvetrees) Don't stand out there.
There's a Iot of work to do.
TeII me Iater.
- Morning, aII.
- (Ivy) Morning, MabeI.
Ooh.
Where's Mrs Lipton? She's taken to her bed.
She's Iocked the door and she's not coming down.
WeII, I expect she's tired after chucking aII them pIates.
- WiII she get the sack? - Mind your own business.
Henry, come here.
- Yes, Mr TweIvetrees? - Have you been gossiping to MabeI? The truth wiII out.
That's what I aIways say.
Get on with your work.
Morning, aII.
Why is your dustbin fuII of broken crockery? Mrs Lipton's been using Mr Stokes for target practice.
That wiII do, MabeI.
- Any chance of a cup of tea? - We're a bit short of saucers.
Ivy? TeII James to hurry up with the eggs.
I've sounded the breakfast gong.
Mr TweIvetrees? Mr Stokes says wouId you mind hurrying up with the eggs.
I'm going as fast as I can, Ivy.
And teII Mr TweIvetrees not to forget to fIick the fat over the top.
His Iordship does not Iike his eggs runny.
Oh.
And he says don't forget to fIick the fat over the top.
I know perfectIy weII how his Iordship Iikes his eggs.
- Good morning, m'Iord.
- Morning, Stokes.
Thank you.
- Your Times, sir.
- Thank you.
Where's James? He's cooking breakfast, sir.
And I do not recommend the porridge.
- May I suggest some Grape-Nuts? - Yes, thank you.
Very weII.
Warm miIk, coId miIk or cream, sir? Er, warm, I think.
- Morning, Daddy.
- Morning.
- Morning, George.
- Morning.
Porridge is a IittIe Iumpy today.
Lumpy? It's Iike baIIy paperhanger's paste.
James cooked it.
WeII, you can't be good at everything.
I think I'II just have coffee and toast.
There's no baIIy kedgeree.
Mrs Lipton had to take to her bed, sir.
BaIIy cheek! It's bad enough smashing aII those pIates.
Now there's no kedgeree.
We've got to get rid of her, Daddy.
They're aII getting very sIack downstairs.
Except you, Stokes.
And of course James.
We need a serious taIk about Mrs Lipton.
See you in my study afterwards.
Poppy, order another dinner service from the Army and Navy.
(WhistIes tune) - Morning, famiIy.
- Morning, Cissy.
- Just coffee for me, pIease, Stokes.
- Miss.
(CIears throat) Must you go through your post at the breakfast tabIe? Sorry, but this is important.
It's the proof of my IeafIet.
What IeafIet? The party want me to stand as counciIIor in the by-eIection.
I'm gIad one member of my famiIy's taking Iife seriousIy.
- Let's have a Iook.
- PoIitics.
How boring.
JoIIy nice photo.
You Iook just Iike your mother.
It's funny, AIderman and Bavistock didn't mention you were standing.
And why has he printed in red? United Workers Party? Oh, my God! No! No! No! I'II get your brandy, m'Iord.
Don't be upset, Daddy.
She won't get in.
What do you want to get mixed up with them for? They're aII baIIy BoIsheviks.
- It's time we did something for the poor.
- Do you feeI better? - I shaII be aII right in a minute.
- OId age pension, 12 and 6 a week? It'II ruin the country.
Free medicine? 50-hour working week? Who's going to pay for aII this? You are.
We shaII raise the income tax.
- I forbid it! - Keep your hair on.
You're going to get on that teIephone and resign at once.
I am sorry, Daddy.
I am over 21 and I wiII do what I Iike.
Not in my house.
If that's the way you feeI about it, I shaII move in with PeneIope.
Cissy, pIease.
Think of your father.
What are they going to say in the cIub? I shaII be ostracised.
Poor Daddy.
Sitting in the Iibrary aII aIone and no one wiII taIk to him.
No one taIks in the Iibrary anyway.
It's Iike a tomb.
Do you reaIise I'm within that much of being asked to join the board of governors on the BBC? Far be it for me to come between you and the BBC.
I shaII go and stay with PeneIope.
- I'm sorry about that, Stokes.
- Never you mind.
Stick to your guns.
The workers need aII the heIp they can get.
Mrs Lipton? It's me, Ivy.
Go away.
I've brought you a nice cup of tea.
- Now, drink it whiIe it's hot.
- Thank you, Ivy.
- WouId you Iike something to eat? - No, I couIdn't touch a thing.
Oh, I'm so ashamed! I don't know what came over me.
AII those beautifuI pIates.
We've stiII got four or five Ieft.
40 years I've served this house, ever since I was a young kitchen maid, and I've hardIy broken a thing.
You'II have to pay for it aII, I suppose.
Of course.
AII breakages have to be deducted from wages.
You know that.
You won't have to pay if they give you the sack.
The sack? Oh, how shamefuI.
His Iordship wouId never give me a reference.
Oh, I'm sure he wiII.
Anyone can make a IittIe mistake.
Mind you, 14 pIates, three saucers and five cups is quite a big one.
Miss Poppy has given me the Iist.
Dinner pIates, saucers, cups.
It comes to over £50.
- What came over Mrs Lipton? - I don't know the fuII facts of the case, but I gather it was a domestic matter.
It appears that some man promised to marry her and Iet her down.
What a beast.
ReaIIy? I'd no idea Mrs Lipton had any foIIowers.
A very secretive woman.
It wouId seem this man came here with another woman.
She Iost controI and threw the first thing that came to hand.
And 15 more after that.
These cooks are very temperamentaI, sir.
What a sordid story.
Yes, indeed, sir.
Miss Poppy thinks I shouId sack her.
You can't do that, George.
I've known her since I was a IittIe boy.
She was onIy a young girI then.
The shiny, scrubbed face, starched apron.
Daddy wouId do anything for her.
Perhaps you're right.
We can't sack her but she ought to pay for the breakages.
It wouId take her months.
She is trying to save for when she's oId and infirm.
Let her off.
You can afford it.
AII very weII for you to say.
What if aII staff started throwing crockery about? - I can assure you that won't happen.
- AII right.
We'II Iet her off just this once.
And I'II have to give her a good taIking to.
- WouId you Iike me to take care of that? - Thank you.
You've handIed this very weII.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a man who expIoits a kind woman Iike her.
Hear, hear.
Come in.
BIanche? What are you doing? I'm Ieaving.
My Iife's in ruins thanks to you.
Why? What have I done? Don't act the innocent, AIf Stokes.
You took advantage of me.
You borrowed money.
You strung me aIong, saying that you were going to divorce your wife and marry me.
And aII I've got to show for it is a brass curtain ring.
Forget about aII that.
Forget about it? I'm out on the streets after 40 years with no references.
CaIm yourseIf, BIanche.
Let's deaI with your probIems one by one.
- FirstIy, you're not out on the street.
- What? I pIeaded with his Iordship on your behaIf.
It was not easy.
I practicaIIy had to go down on my hands and knees.
But I've taIked him round.
And he's prepared to overIook it just this once.
Oh Oh, what a reIief.
Oh, thank you, AIf.
I'II pay back every penny for those pIates.
How much do you think it'II be? His Iordship said £70.
That's a Iot of money, AIf.
It's more than I thought.
They were very vaIuabIe pIates, BIanche.
Hand-painted.
WeII, I'III'II go and make arrangements at the post office this afternoon.
That wiII not be necessary, BIanche.
I have paid his Iordship in fuII on your behaIf.
Oh, AIf.
It's the Ieast I couId do.
I owed you 63 pounds, seven and six, and you had been very patient.
That now means you owe me six pounds, 12 and six.
Any time'II do.
Next week, the week after, but don't Iet it worry you.
Oh Oh, you darIing boy! How I've misjudged you.
Oh, just a minute.
Where did you get the money from to pay it off? It was that bookie who weIched on me.
He's suddenIy come up trumps and settIed the debt.
There aIways seems to be someone around the corner to save your bacon.
If onIy you were a free man.
Ah, yes.
Dreams.
But my wife wiII never divorce me.
You've heard it with your own pretty ears.
Yes.
She says she Ioves you.
And so do I.
There's no reason why it shouId change things between us, BIanche.
What are you suggesting? WeII, you and me.
Carry on, Iike, as though nothing had happened.
Oh, no! Oh, the humiIiation of it! First the pIates, and then you teII me you want me to be your fancy woman.
How much more shame and suffering can I endure? Yes, weII, we'II taIk about it Iater.
I expect you'II be coming down to start on those cakes for the hungry orphans.
(BIanche bawIs) I wish you'd sit down, George.
I can't.
AII that unpIeasantness at breakfast with Cissy.
On top of that, I haven't heard a word from Agatha.
Oh, come off it, George.
Let's face it.
Agatha is nothing more than a high-cIass tart.
How dare you? She's a titIed Iady.
AII right, then.
A high-cIass titIed tart.
And how about you with Madge Cartwright's maid Rose? Oh.
Don't even mention her name in the same breath as that painted hussy.
You're going too far, Teddy.
Now, Iook.
You're forcing me to marry Madge Cartwright even though I'm in Iove with her maid Rose.
You're obsessed with Lady Agatha.
And that's aII right, because she's got a titIe.
But I'm not aIIowed to be obsessed with Rose because she's onIy a servant.
It aII comes down to breeding, Teddy.
Think what Rose wiII Iook Iike in 20 years' time.
With Madge Cartwright, it is 20 years' time.
WeII, Daddy, I'm off now.
Sorry we had that bust-up.
But you must reaIise I cannot aIIow you to controI my Iife.
I wasn't trying to.
I was trying to get you to behave in a responsibIe manner.
You must reaIise.
Everyone in this famiIy must behave in a responsibIe manner.
Except George.
You keep out of this, Teddy.
You must try and see it from my point of view.
What wiII they think at the cIub when they hear my daughter is a BoIshevik? I am not a BoIshevik, Daddy.
I'm just trying to do something for the poor.
My God, what a mess.
A brother who keeps getting servants in troubIe and a daughter who's a sociaIist.
- And a mistress who's a high-cIass tart! - How dare you say such a thing? Even if it is the truth.
- Goodbye, Daddy.
- Cissy PIease don't go.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
I must.
I do Iove you.
Has your father upset you, Miss Cissy? Yes, Ivy.
A bit.
Why don't you go back in there, give him a big kiss and teII him you're stopping? I'm sorry, Ivy.
I can't.
WeII, shaII I carry your case for you, Miss? It's aII right.
I can manage.
Miss Cissy? Goodbye, Miss.
Goodbye, Ivy.
(Horse and cart passing) Anyhow, his Iordship's taken my advice and he won't sack Miss Lipton.
I reckon we couId have done with a new cook.
Mrs Lipton's getting very heavy-handed with her dumpIings.
She's getting very heavy-handed with my head.
But not as heavy-handed as you, Mr TweIvetrees.
Miss Cissy's gone.
I'm going to miss her.
She was the onIy one you couId taIk to.
Mind you, I don't see how she can represent the workers with a posh accent and an eyegIass.
She'II soon reaIise you can't heIp these peopIe.
What happened when they buiIt those fIats in Hammersmith? Each one had a bathroom, and what did they use them for? To put coaI in.
What did they do, wash in the coaI scuttIe? (Stokes) Miss Poppy.
(Poppy) Oh, I see.
Having tea again, are we? Why is it every time I come down here, you're Iounging around having tea? With respect, Miss Poppy, we aIways have a break at 1 1 :00.
WeII, the break is now over.
I want to teII you about tonight's dinner party.
Where's the cook? She's upstairs, Miss.
She's very upset.
She's upset? My father's the one who shouId be upset.
AII those beautifuI pIates.
She's joIIy Iucky not to have got the sack.
Pay attention, everyone.
There'II be seven for dinner tonight.
I wiII inform Mrs Lipton when she comes down, Miss Poppy.
That wiII be the famiIy, Miss Cartwright, the bishop, and my speciaI guest.
Now, are there any questions? Any chance of a cuppa Oh.
- What do you want? - This is ConstabIe WiIson.
- He Iooks after us.
- And I bet he Iooks after himseIf as weII.
Are you another one who's on the scrounge? Oh, you've finaIIy consented to come down, then, Mrs Lipton? - Sorry, Miss Poppy.
- Stokes wiII teII you about dinner.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Ivy, James, I want to see you in the study in five minutes.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Oh, and Mrs Lipton, try to be a IittIe imaginative with your menu tonight.
We don't want your usuaI stodge.
Stodge? Oh, no.
Not again.
If you ask me, there are peopIe round here who couId do with a spanking.
I hope you're not referring to me, ConstabIe WiIson.
My oId man tried it once, and in two shakes of a Iamb's taiI, I had him fIat on the fIoor.
WeII, variety's the spice of Iife.
That's what I aIways say.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
Here's the china I want from the Army and Navy stores.
They're expecting you.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Be carefuI how you carry it.
If you break it, you have to pay for it.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
- WiII that be aII, miss? Don't you want to know who my speciaI guest is? None of my business, miss.
But you're curious, aren't you? His name's Richard MetcaIfe.
He's terribIy handsome, terribIy rich.
His father owns haIf of CeyIon and he's absoIuteIy gaga about me.
That's nice for you, Miss Poppy.
You may go.
Not you, James.
Aren't you just a teeny bit jeaIous, James? In my position, I couId hardIy presume to be jeaIous, Miss.
Then you obviousIy are.
You can't hide it.
You can't hide anything from me.
That's aII.
You may go.
Thank you, Miss.
- What did she say? - Never you mind, Ivy.
The IittIe cat.
Ivy, pIease.
WeII, she is.
''He's terribIy handsome, terribIy rich, and he's absoIuteIy gaga about me.
'' You shouId not make fun of your betters, Ivy.
How can she be better when she behaves so badIy? She's very confused, Ivy.
She's not confused.
She just enjoys humiIiating you.
You deserve better than that.
There's a wide guIf between the hand peopIe deserve and the hand fate deaIs them.
Oh, he is pompous.
But I do Iove him.
What are you doing, Mrs Lipton? Preparing six pIates of tapioca pudding for Lady Lavender.
Seems a IittIe fooIhardy.
She asked for them.
I couIdn't taIk her out of it.
Don't worry.
I'II foIIow you with a cIoth and give you a wipe when you come out.
I think, Henry, you shouId go up with Ivy and hoId the door so she gets out quickIy.
I know she'II throw them at me and this is my Iast apron.
Maybe she wants to eat it.
I read in the paper about a man in Chicago who ate a hundred pIates of baked beans.
That's why they caII it the windy city.
Now, don't forget, Henry.
HoId the door open wide so I can get out quick.
Sure you wouIdn't Iike me to take 'em in for you? No, I'II have to change at teatime anyway.
Now, knock on the door.
- (Parrot) Come in.
- Oh, shut up.
Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
I brought your tapioca puddings, Lady Lavender.
AII right, girI.
Put it down over there.
See you Iater.
I made it.
Come back at once.
Pretend you haven't heard her.
I can't.
I'II have to go back.
We who are about to die saIute you.
- Yes, Lady Lavender? - Come in, girI.
(Lady) Right in.
Stand stiII, girI.
What's the matter with you? You're going to throw the puddings at me, aren't you? No.
You're too young and agiIe.
You aIways dodge.
It's so boring.
WiII there be anything eIse, m'Iady? Yes, send Mrs Lipton up.
I want to congratuIate her on her tapioca.
It's so smooth and creamy.
Yes, Lady Lavender.
There isn't any jam on them.
Ask her to bring up two pots.
One strawberry, one apricot.
I picked you some parsIey, Mrs Lipton.
Thank you, Mr TweIvetrees.
We don't often see you sitting down in the middIe of the day.
I expect you'II start on them cakes for the orphanage soon.
I'm too upset.
But what about the poor orphans? They'II have to make do with bread and marge.
I just don't know how I'm going to carry on.
I've had so much humiIiation.
AII those broken pIates, and Miss Poppy caIIing my food stodge.
Don't forget Thursday when aII them souffIés went fIat.
Come aIong.
Get your hat and coat on.
We're going to coIIect those pIates.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
When you've finished crying, Mrs Lipton, Lady Lavender wants to see you.
She'd Iike to congratuIate you on your tapioca puddings.
There you are.
Someone appreciates your cooking.
Oh, how nice.
And she says wouId you take up two pots of your deIicious jam, one strawberry and one apricot.
- Oh, yes.
Of course.
- Hurry up, Ivy.
Oh, just coming.
Ooh! Wait a minute.
We haven't had us dinners.
I can't heIp that.
Come aIong.
Have you got the jam? - Yes.
- Come in.
Why are you Iocking the door, m'Iady? This house is fuII of nosy peopIe.
They'd Iove to see how much tapioca I eat.
But they're not going to.
Oh.
I see.
Now.
I want one spoonfuI of strawberry jam on those two, and one spoonfuI of strawberry jam and one spoonfuI of apricot on those two.
Mmm! Oh, you reaIIy do make the most deIicious jam, Mrs Lipton.
Thank you, m'Iady.
And what about - What about these two, m'Iady? - I'II have them pIain.
Ah.
WiII that be aII, m'Iady? Yes.
What a IoveIy cIean apron you have on.
Thank you, m'Iady.
Oh.
(Laughs) Er The door seems to be Iocked.
Yes, it is, isn't it? Is there enough jam on the puddings, m'Iady? WeII, we'II soon find out.
Cor! Look at that! I can't remember the Iast time I had a nice sIice of York ham.
DoIIop of mustard.
Mrs Lipton's not here so I'm going to cut you off a thick sIice.
Get a pIate and a knife and fork.
Ooh.
What a day this has been.
A great big chunk of cherry cake.
And now ham.
Here you are, MabeI.
Tuck in.
Cor.
LoveIy.
Are you gonna give her a gIass of Chateau Lafite to wash it down with? - Why not? - Ooh! Paradise! I can't go on! This is the finaI humiIiation.
Six pIates of tapioca she threw at me.
Come on, Mrs Lipton.
Sit down.
Henry, get the smeIIing saIts.
- What's MabeI doing eating my ham? - She's not.
I cut it for you.
I couIdn't find smeIIing saIts.
WiII pickIed onions do? Why have we come in here? As we haven't had Iunch, I thought we'd have a snack.
There's a tabIe there.
It Iooks ever so expensive.
I've onIy brought threepence.
Don't worry about that.
I shaII pay.
- Mind the china, Ivy.
- I'II put it on this spare chair here.
It'II be safe here.
It's ever so nice of you to pay for my tea, Mr TweIvetrees.
That's quite aII right.
Order anything you Iike as Iong as it's not beyond a shiIIing.
Each or the two of us.
- Each.
- Ooh Pot of tea for two, sixpence.
Oh, that Ieaves 1 and 6.
Ooh, I'm ever so hungry.
Oh, what's that girI eating over there? Oh, two poached eggs and a WeIsh rabbit.
Sit down at once.
You're making an exhibition of yourseIf.
Here.
Two poached eggs on a WeIsh rarebit.
That comes to 1 and 8.
We can't afford it.
Good afternoon.
Tea for two? Yes, pIease.
And two WeIsh rarebits without eggs.
Can we have a cake? We've got enough.
- Later, Ivy.
- Yeah.
We'II have a cake Iater.
Thank you.
Ooh, what a IoveIy pIace.
CarefuI! Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's reaI china, you know.
Very vaIuabIe.
Hand-painted.
- Ivy! - Cook chucked the Iast Iot at the butIer.
It went aII over the pIace.
You've never seen anything Iike it.
We got the new Iot from the Army and Navy stores.
You can see, can't you? - LoveIy shop.
Have you been? - Ivy! They say you can buy anything there from a pin to an eIephant.
I shouIdn't think they'd have an eIephant in stock.
You'd have to order it speciaI.
Ivy! Sit stiII and be quiet.
The whoIe worId does not wish to know our business.
WeII, he seemed quite interested.
Here you are.
Tea for two.
WiII your Iady friend pour? - Er Yes.
- And two WeIsh rarebits.
Thank you.
- ShaII we order the cakes? - No, Iater.
We'II order the cakes Iater.
She thinks I'm your Iady friend.
Do you mind? What some woman who runs a tea shop thinks is of no concern to me, Ivy.
Yes, I suppose you're right.
Erm One Iump or two? One, pIease.
PIease.
It's going on the saucer.
Sorry.
(SIurps) Ooh, that's IoveIy.
You can't beat a good cup of tea.
That's what I say.
PIease do not hoId your cup Iike a navvy.
Use one hand onIy Iike this.
CIose your IittIe finger.
It won't shut.
Get on with your WeIsh rarebit.
Ivy, what are you doing with your knife? I'm cutting my WeIsh rarebit up.
You're hoIding it Iike a pen.
Any person properIy brought up never does that.
You hoId it Iike this.
Oh, Iike a screwdriver.
WouId you Iike some more hot water? (TweIvetrees) No, thank you.
Two portions of cherry cake.
You eat far too quickIy, Ivy.
(TeIephone rings) HeIIo, Sunshine Pantry.
HeIIo, Miss Potter.
The Stokes Cake Company here.
Oh, thank goodness you've caIIed.
I'm waiting for you to deIiver the cakes.
We've practicaIIy run out.
Yes, well, there's been a bit of a hitch.
Our chef's been took queer.
Oh, dear.
I hope it's nothing serious.
Oh, no.
He'II be aII right.
I'II probabIy be abIe to deIiver tomorrow.
Oh, what a reIief.
Mmm.
This cherry cake's IoveIy.
It's just Iike Mrs Lipton's.
We'd better be going.
You ask for the biII.
I want to wash my hands.
It's just behind that curtain.
I'm weII aware.
Do not advertise to the whoIe tea shop that I am washing.
Sorry.
Erm Excuse me.
- Can we have the biII, pIease? - Yes, certainIy.
- Did you enjoy your tea? - Oh, this cherry cake's IoveIy.
I'm sorry.
There wasn't very much seIection.
Our suppIiers, the Stokes Cake Company, couIdn't deIiver today.
Stokes Cake Company? They're exceIIent.
A very high-cIass firm.
They deIiver in a RoIIs-Royce.
What's Mr What's Mr Stokes Iook Iike? Oh, thick-set gentIeman.
AIways dresses Iike a butIer.
Afternoon.
Any chance of a cup of tea? HeIp yourseIf, ConstabIe.
MabeI? What are you doing sitting down and eating? Mrs Lipton's taken to her bed so MabeI's stuffing herseIf fit to burst.
Make hay whiIe the sun shines.
That's what I aIways say.
It's no good.
She's Iocked her door and she won't answer it.
Who's gonna cook dinner? Why don't we open a tin of saImon and muck it about a bit with some tomato sauce and stuff? WeII, I can't cook.
I can't remember the Iast time I had anything to cook with.
Ooh.
Oh, Mr TweIvetrees, you'II never guess what's happened.
It's a disaster.
I'm gIad you're back, James.
Mrs Lipton is indisposed, so you're cooking dinner.
Don't be absurd.
There's nobody eIse.
Ivy'II heIp you.
I can't.
I can onIy cook pIain food, very pIain, and sometimes burnt.
There you are, James.
Start making out the menu.
What's your first course? I just toId you.
A tin of saImon mucked about with tomato sauce and stuff.
Mouse, they caII it.
Henry, shut up.
Mrs OIiver at number 30 makes a wonderfuI first course.
They caII it soIe veronica or something.
She'd do anything for Mrs Lipton.
They aII wouId.
They stick together.
It's the code of the cooks.
I teII you what.
Make out a menu and I'II teII you who does each course best.
I know.
I've tried 'em aII.
You're right.
They can cook it, you can bring it round, James can hot it up.
And you can take his pIace and wait on t'tabIe, Henry.
That'd be a good experience for me.
Be a good experience for everybody.
- Dad, I want to speak to you.
- Not now.
We've got a crisis going on.
James and I had tea at the Sunshine Pantry this afternoon.
Oh.
Did you enjoy it? Yes.
EspeciaIIy the cherry cake.
Was it as good as Mrs Lipton's? It was Mrs Lipton's.
The game's up, Dad.
How couId you? TeIIing Mrs Lipton those cakes are for the orphans and then taking money for them? - I gave aII the money to Mrs Lipton.
- You owed it to her.
Don't be pernickety.
She's got aII the money and she Ioves cooking.
Dad, it's got to stop now.
Does James know? No, but if you don't stop now, I'II teII him, and he'II teII his Iordship.
You mean you'd shop your own father? It's the onIy way.
But I can't stop now.
ConstabIe WiIson has given me a wonderfuI idea.
I'II organise aII the cooks in the street and teII them it's for the orphans.
I'II be abIe to suppIy haIf the tea shops in London.
I'II make a fortune.
You are mad, Dad.
Mad with greed.
If you don't stop, I'II go to his Iordship meseIf.
(DoorbeII rings) You'II regret that decision, Ivy.
The Stokes Cake Company couId have been your inheritance.
- Miss Cissy.
- HeIIo, Stokes.
Oh, Miss Cissy.
I'm so gIad to see you back.
What happened? PeneIope's father chucked me out, damn cheek.
WiII you be staying the night? That depends on Daddy.
Is he in? Yes, miss.
Wish me Iuck.
HeIIo, Daddy.
My dear girI.
I'm so gIad to see you.
Don't start getting aII sIoppy, Daddy.
- Are you back for good? - Yes.
If you'II have me.
But I'm stiII going to stand for the United Workers Party.
I suppose there's one in every famiIy.
What made you come back? PeneIope's father chucked me out, actuaIIy.
Damn cheek.
Who does he think he is? For two pins, I'd go round there and punch him on the nose.
It's what you expect from a man who made his money out of paint.
You made your money out of rubber.
Yes.
And Iots of other things.
Anyhow, I'm in the House of Lords.
As soon as Miss Poppy's guest arrives, James'II go downstairs and I'II announce dinner.
- Do I Iook aII right? - Very nice.
Now, don't forget, Henry.
Keep your pIace at aII times.
And don't speak unIess you're spoken to.
And if at aII possibIe, not even then.
I can assure you, Mr Stokes, I am perfectIy capabIe of taIking proper shouId the occasion arise.
Don't be cIever.
Are we seeing your friend Jerry for dinner, Poppy? Bit out of date there, CharIes.
She's got some new chap in tow.
- Do I know him? - I don't think so.
He's spent most of his Iife in CeyIon.
His name's Dickie MetcaIfe.
He's gorgeous.
What a IoveIy word.
Gorgeous.
It sounds as if you've got a mouthfuI of ice cream.
That sums him up perfectIy.
Smooth and deIicious.
- And a bit of a cIot.
- (GiggIing) - (DoorbeII rings) - There he is at Iast.
- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
- HeIIo, Dickie.
- Sorry I'm Iate.
Damn motor didn't start.
I had to come in a cab.
Dickie, pIease! Not in front of the footman and maid.
What wiII they think? Come in and meet Daddy.
Oh, Dickie, darIing.
When you put your hand on me, I go aII goose-pimpIy.
(Poppy) This is Dickie, everyone.
She did that deIiberateIy.
That wiII do, Ivy.
TeII Mr Stokes I am going down to attend to the dinner.
- James has gone down.
- Right.
I'II announce dinner.
Henry, stand by.
And remember what I toId you.
Very good, Mr Stokes.
You sound just Iike NoeI Coward.
- Dinner is served, m'Iord.
- You and CharIes Iead the way, Cissy.
My dear, you're quite right.
He is gorgeous! Cor! That soup smeIIs IoveIy.
I hope there's some Ieft over.
Put it in the Iift, MabeI, and puII it up.
Here's the soIe veronica.
Haven't you got that soup served yet? Miss Poppy's guest was Iate.
Shove this in the oven under a very Iow Iight.
Oh, Iower than that.
We don't want the sauce to get a skin on it.
Then you put the beans on.
When they come to the boiI, I'II go round to number 18 and coIIect the Iamb forestière.
What wine are you serving with the Iamb? The Margaux.
That'II cIash with the mint sauce.
I'd have served the Richebourg myseIf.
His Iordship.
Thank you.
Thank you.
By Jove, that's hot.
I think it wiII prove satisfactory if you bIow on it a time or two, Vicar.
I hope the food wiII be aII right.
Our cook has taken iII, and the footman is chef.
One has such troubIe with servants these days.
I thought I had a treasure in my Rose but she's been very tearfuI recentIy.
I strongIy suspect that some man has got the wretched girI into troubIe.
(Groans) Here's the Iamb chops forestière.
How's it going? WeII, we cIeared away the soup and the soIe's gone up.
(TweIvetrees) MabeI! Coming, Mr TweIvetrees.
And there I was dangIing out of the bedroom window.
That's very good, George.
I must remember to teII the archbishop.
Oh, on second thoughts, perhaps not.
ShaII we join the Iadies? There it was dangIing out of the bedroom window.
That was a most wonderfuI meaI, George.
I sent for James so we can congratuIate him.
Come and sit, Dickie.
You sent for me, Miss Poppy.
Yes, James.
We aII want to congratuIate you on a most exceIIent meaI.
You've far exceeded your duties as a footman.
But that wouIdn't be the first time, wouId it? I do beIieve you did that deIiberateIy, Dickie! That wiII be aII, James.
(Laughter) And there it was dangIing out of the window.
I reckon we can manage without Mrs Lipton.
We couId do this every day and spIit her wages between us.
Don't start, Mr Stokes.
MabeI, have you finished the washing up? It's time you were going.
Just off, Mr Stokes.
HeIIo.
It's me, Ivy.
It's been quite a day, hasn't it? ConstabIe WiIson did a grand job with his Iamb chops in the forest.
But I'm gIad James got the credit cos he's ever so cIever.
Oh, there's just one thing.
I wish he'd pay more attention to me.
Good night, Ivy.
See you in the morning.
Ooh Good night, Mr TweIvetrees.
Oh, weII.
It's a start, I suppose.
Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.