A.N.T. Farm (2011) s03e04 Episode Script

Whoa, Chyna! [Chuckles nervously.]
Before I say anything about how you look, are we at the point in our friendship where I can be honest with you? Or do I need to tip-toe around your fragile ego and tell you that you look great? Lexi's been in the stupid bathroom for, like, three hours and I couldn't get in, okay? Well, don't worry, you look great.
[Door dings.]
[Girls scream.]
We're being attacked by ninjas! Or worst, a couple of Sushi chefs! [Grunts.]
Hello, ladies.
I hope my sparring buddies didn't scare you.
I'm a new student here.
The name is Ticonderoga.
Dixon Ticonderoga.
Chyna.
Parks.
Chyna.
I did that wrong, didn't I? Ooh, ooh.
Ooh.
Doo, doo.
Ooh, ooh.
Ooh.
Doo, doo.
Woo! Everybody's got that thing.
Something different, we all bring.
Don't you let 'em, clip your wings.
You got it! You got it! We're on fire and we blaze, in extraordinary ways.
365 days.
We got it! We got it! You can dream it.
You can be it.
If you can feel it, you can believe it! Because I am, you are, we are Exceptional.
Exceptional! Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional.
Exceptional! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ooh, ooh.
Woo! Excuse me, ladies, while I slip into something a little less comfortable.
So, Dixon.
Are you a maitre d' prodigy? No, I'm training to be recruited by the CIA to be the world's next top secret super spy.
If it's top secret, should you have told us that? [Groans.]
That's why I'm still in training! Well, as you know, practice makes perfect Teeth, and cheekbones.
Thank you.
You know, I believe that looking one's best is of the utmost importance.
Me, too.
Uh, Chyna? [Mobile camera clicks.]
[Screams.]
What are you doing? Oh.
I'm just taking this back.
The ninja and I share clothes.
Hey, don't forget to return that pink miniskirt! Interesting factoid about miniskirts.
While stylish, they also reek of desperation.
Less of a factoid, more of a personal judgment, but interesting nonetheless.
So, super spy, huh? Have you considered a less dangerous career? Like being a musician's husband? Maybe we could discuss it over lunch? Lunch? Sounds great! What are we having? I was talking to Ticonderoga, Dixon Ticonderoga.
Why don't you go hang out with some of your other friends? Depressing factoid, I don't have any other friends.
Make some.
What are you doing? My dad told me when I reached high school age, I'd have to start shaving.
Besides, I want to look my best.
I'm at a new school and want to reinvent myself.
It is an opportunity for you to be rejected by a whole new class of girls.
I'm not interested in any girl but Chyna.
You have to get over her.
Chyna only sees you as a friend.
And frankly, I don't even really get that.
All right, if you're such an expert then, how do I make Chyna to start seeing me as boyfriend material? For one thing, start shaving your face instead of your legs.
Look, if you want Chyna to think of you as boyfriend material, she needs to see you dating someone else.
Now Is there any woman who has ever shown even the slightest interest in you? My Grandma Dottie sends me birthday cards every year.
Anyone who isn't related to you? How about Chyna? Wow.
You are really bad at this.
[Helicopter whirring.]
[Chuckles.]
Wow.
I don't know what's more impressive, showing up for lunch that way or, the fact you have your own helicopter.
You know, I also do traffic for News 650.
By the way, avoid the Dumbarton Bridge.
It's slow and go.
Hey, Dixon.
Ready for lunch? Uh, what is she doing here? I met her in math class.
Thought the three of us could dine together and all get to know one another.
Reed.
Lexi Reed, meet Parks.
Chyna Parks.
Oh, we know each other.
[Chuckles humorlessly.]
[Spy music ring tone playing.]
Excuse me.
Ah.
I have to take this.
It's Ticonderoga.
Mrs.
Ticonderoga.
Code name Mommy.
I can't believe you crashed my date! It's my date.
And let's face it, Dixon's never going to choose to go out with you over me.
I mean, look at me and then look at you.
And then look at me again to get the taste of you out of your eyes.
Okay, that was mean and it didn't make any sense.
Well, maybe this'll be clear.
Hot the road, Chyna, but avoid the Dumbarton Bridge I hear it's crazy busy.
Olive, can you believe that Lexi showed up and ruined my lunch with Dixon? Do you mind? I'm trying to hang out with my new friend, whom I have much more in common with than I do with you.
I know.
So rude.
Maybe Chyna should try to find new friends like we did, Olive.
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry I got rid of you earlier.
It was inconsiderate, and I apologize.
Well, I forgive you.
But I can't speak for Olive.
Yes, you can.
Oh.
Well, then she forgives you, too.
What am I supposed to do? I'm going to lose Dixon to Lexi, and I really like him.
I mean, he's really handsome, and his personality is Well, I didn't really notice his personality, but I'm sure it's very handsome.
Try to find some common interests.
Hmm Dixon seems like an adventurous guy.
So just show him that you like to do things that are adventurous and dangerous.
- You mean like eating Indian food? - It's not that spicy! Look, if you want Dixon, you need to step up your game.
Olive ain't wrong, honey.
Mmm-hmm.
What about her? If she were my girlfriend, that'll make Chyna notice me.
Sorry, I already got dibs on her.
Fine.
What about her? I got dibs on her, too.
Is there any girl you don't have dibs on? Ah.
Let me see.
Uh no! Tell you what, I'll let you go after Kennedy.
The girl who wants to grow up to be President? Yeah, she's a debate prodigy.
A girl whose talent is talking? [Chuckles.]
No, thank you.
You think she'll go for me? No.
But go for it.
Your pathetic life couldn't get any worse.
Now remember, it's all about confidence.
Hey, Kennedy.
I was wondering if you'd be interested in going out with me? That is a good question, Fletcher.
An important question.
A question that keeps me up at night.
But before I answer that question, I think folks need to ask themselves "As a country, where are we going?" Um to dinner at the Taco Hut.
I think.
I'm confused.
I understand where you're coming from.
There's a lot of uncertainty out there.
That is why you need me.
That is why America needs me! I don't know what's happening! You know, the other day I met a boy in Pensacola, Florida, Jeffrey Burgess.
Jeffrey asked me the exact same question, he said "Kennedy, where do you stand on green energy?" That's not what I asked! I need to know if you'll go out with me or not.
I am not one to succumb to political pressure.
But I am holding a fundraiser to finance my 2032 presidential campaign.
And voters prefer candidates in stable relationships.
My head hurts worse than my thighs, which have some serious razor burn! That sense of humor is going to win me Ohio! I will go out with you.
Kennedy-Fletcher, for a brighter tomorrow! Hey, easy! I also shaved my armpits.
Hiya! Hiya, yourself, handsome.
Hey.
I'm just practicing my karate.
You never know when you might be attacked by lumber.
[Laughs.]
And funny! Hug me! I mean, teach me one of those karate hold moves.
I guess I could teach you some simple martial arts, but you'll need to remove your high heels.
Okay.
And your high heel socks.
[Suction cups popping.]
Oh! Hey, Dixon.
Chyna! What are you doing here? Oh, I was just partaking in one of my favorite hobbies, climbing skyscrapers with a suit made with suction cups from baby-on-board signs.
That sounds dangerous.
Oh, it is, but you know, "Danger" is my middle name.
Of course, I pronounce it "Dahn-zhay".
[Grunts.]
This isn't good.
[Groans.]
Yet, suddenly, it is good.
Chyna Dahn-zhay Parks, you'll pay for this! Or my middle name isn't "revenge"! Pronounced "Ray-vahn-zhay".
Well, I feel stupid.
My middle name is Herbert.
There you are, Chyna! Do you know Kennedy? Just from her lawn signs.
Kennedy's my new girlfriend! That's what happens when you're boyfriend material.
Have you decided who you're going to vote for in 2032? Because I can assure you that my opponent, whoever it might end up being, is woefully unqualified and hates puppies.
I'm dating her.
Excuse me.
I'm Kennedy Van Buren, and I need to go approve some messages.
[Chuckles.]
You have a girlfriend? You heard? I was trying to keep my having a girlfriend on the hush-hush.
Wow, Fletcher.
Look at you.
Mr.
Smooth.
That's right.
I guess I'm kind of a ladies' man.
No, I meant your legs.
They're just so smooth.
Oh, yeah, and congrats on finally getting a girlfriend.
Angus, your stupid plan didn't work.
Okay, you've got to be more specific.
Which plan? I've got a lot of stuff going on.
Check out the bikini I bought for my scuba diving date with Dixon.
It goes perfectly with my new high heel flippers.
Lexi, you can't scuba diving in a bikini.
You have to wear a wetsuit.
Fine.
I didn't mean under your bikini.
I bought this bikini, I'm wearing it.
Now I just have to put my fake eyelashes on the scuba mask.
[Phone beeping.]
Chyna! Lexi has a scuba diving date with Dixon.
She's in the bathroom getting ready.
That should give you a three-hour head start! Hey, Dixon.
I'm ready to go scuba diving! Scuba diving? We're bird watching.
Uh I know.
This is my bird watching outfit.
Anyone can find birds in the sky.
But finding them underwater, that takes skill.
[Bird chirping.]
Look, it's the rare Great-Tailed Grackle! Where? [Harpoon gun fires.]
[Bird screeches.]
Never mind, I see it.
Great news, honey.
I got the results.
Of our history test? I think I aced it.
Our first President was the four-headed guy Count Rushmore, right? I mean the results of the online survey.
Oh, survey? What are you researching? You.
Since we're dating, I asked a representative cross-section of Americans what they thought of you.
Don't worry, the feedback wasn't all negative.
Just in the north, the east, the south, the midwest, the northwest, and the southwest.
The southwest? That's where my Grandma Dottie lives.
Don't worry.
On the whole People found you likeable, just lacking in certain areas, such as masculinity, strength of character, charm, personality, trustworthiness, appearance, and likability.
But a minute ago, you just said I was likeable.
I know.
I was trying to make you feel better.
That's why my likability rating is so high.
Okay, so, the red is negative and the green is positive? No, the green is undecided.
[Beep.]
Kansas is in.
They hate you.
Olive, it was a complete disaster.
I shot a rare Great-Tailed Grackle! Interesting factoid, thanks to you, they're no longer rare.
They're extinct.
Well, how did this happen? Obviously, Lexi set you up.
She told me she and Dixon were going scuba diving, knowing I'd tell you, so you'd show up looking foolish.
I can't believe Lexi.
What kind of a person tries to sabotage someone when you're trying to steal her date? Well, it's payback time! And revenge is a dish best served with music.
I thought it was best served cold.
Okay, you do it your way, and I'll do it mine.
This gift is from Chyna with love.
The boy I had dreamed of came from above.
We fit together like hand and glove.
So I send this gift from Chyna With love! Zap! Ignore that bore.
A boy like you has more in store.
Life will be a chore with that girl next door.
So I implore you to fall for Lexi.
Kisses galore! Zap! Vote for Kennedy.
Vote for Kennedy.
Hey, lover boy.
How's it going? Terrible.
I'm stuck in this relationship with Kennedy and she's trying to change everything about me! Well, I'm having a good day.
I made Angus! We're trying to raise money for my campaign, so I'm going to have to ask you to stop distracting Scott.
Who's Scott? [Sighs.]
I am.
Apparently, research shows that Fletcher is a weak name.
Oh, cool! They agreed with my comment.
Kennedy, I'm starting to wonder if you and I are right for each other.
- Maybe we should break up.
- We should.
If we're quitters! But we're not.
These problems are worth solving.
Will it take work? You bet! Ask not what this relationship can do for you, but what you can do for this relationship! I'm a quitter.
I'm such a quitter that See? I even quit on that sentence.
That's why you have me.
To give you some backbone.
Now, stand up straight and pass out those buttons, Scott.
[Lisping.]
Chyna, you're responsible for this.
Yeah, well I'm still feeling the effects of that electric jolt to my head.
It's making me add extra words to the ends of my sentences spaghetti pelican.
You sound so silly.
Look, Lexi, you need to back off.
Dixon is mine carousel toothpaste! You think he wants you? Are you serious? Completely serious thermostat picnic.
Let's settle this! Put up your dukes! Just don't touch my eyes.
I had my makeup done professionally.
Fine.
As long as you don't mess up my hair, because it took forever to do bedspread pumpernickel.
Fine.
And don't ruin my dress.
It's designer.
Fine.
And I just got my nails done, so don't chip the polish iceberg blueberry.
Hey, I'm cured! That's the name of this nail polish, "iceberg blueberry".
Fine.
No eyes, no hair, no dress, no nails.
Let's fight! I guess we could kick each other.
Are you crazy? These are new shoes! Ugh, how are we supposed to fight? I know a way.
[Grunting.]
Okay.
Now it's on! Get her, Chyna-ninja! [Both grunting.]
[Crowd gasping.]
Hey! Don't pull Lexi-ninja's hair! Ladies, ladies, ladies, please! You two are completely out of control! This whole thing is Chyna's fault! - You started it! - I certainly did not! Then who did? While those two wackadoodles work things out, why don't you go grab us something to drink, doll-face? Olive? You're interested in Dixon? Yes, and I have been from the start.
That's why I told you to try a dangerous sport, knowing you'd make a fool of yourself.
I also arranged for Lexi to show up in a wet suit on a bird watching date.
But you were more than eager to step in and take the fall.
Then all I had to do was sit back and watch the two of you destroy each other.
Of course, I didn't actually sit back.
I sat in an ergonomically correct position because it's better for your posture.
You did all that? Dixon! I can explain.
No need.
You are the most secretive, underhanded, manipulative girl I have ever met.
I'll say! [Chuckling.]
You are just my type! - What? - What snickerdoodle cummerbund? Dang it, it's back fingernail crab cake! So, Olive, how about we take my helicopter and go grab some dinner in Sonoma? I'd love to.
Sorry, Chyna.
I know we're best friends, but interesting factoid, psych! [Lisping.]
Double crossed.
We've been double crossed.
Thanks to Olive, all hope is lost, seersucker trampoline.
She stole our handsome Dixon.
Why did we trust that evil vixen volcano hootenanny? Both: It seems we've both paid the cost.
- We've been double crossed! - Filibuster tangerine! Guys, do you mind? We're trying to have dinner here.