Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s03e04 Episode Script

This wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode Oh, God! - Hello, hello.
- Patsy, darling.
Sit down.
I could be called to that podium at any moment.
Relax, darling.
Have a little of this Stolly for emotion.
PRs' PR.
It won't be the first award, but it's the big one.
I should sit nearer the aisle.
Swap, swap.
Oh, God! So, who else is here? I sent Bubble out with her ear to the ground and a pad.
I want a celebrity count.
- No one to worry about but Elizabeth Hurley.
- Obviously.
I got a whiff of Tanya Bryer, but she's practically in the foyer.
- And there is a possibility of Isabella Rossellini.
- No! Damn.
Damn! Dolce and Gabanna use her now.
I don't know why.
- No, she's far too old.
- Far too old.
- This is the happening table.
- Yes, darling.
Naomi is it! - Right.
Good.
Hello.
- This wasn't easy, you know.
This is the flash-camera situation.
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Thank you.
Patsy Stone, 39, international beauty and style guru.
Edina Monsoon.
Where is Lulu? She's supposed to be here.
I wanted Naomi and Lulu.
I wanted a pot-pourri of A-list visibles, you know.
Claudia Bing, of Bing, Bing, Bing and Bing PR.
- Do you want a drink? - I'm fine, thanks.
She's very difficult.
There's Claudia Bing.
Hello, Claudia! - Who's at her table? - Nobodies.
I know.
But a lot of nobodies.
Many nobodies.
What Channel Tunnel need is a derailment or a small bomb or a suicide.
I can't get any more coverage.
"Train going through hole" is dull, dull, dull.
I need you to mingle with your pad.
Pick up the buzz.
I need to know who's got who, what, when and in what capacity.
Next week's very busy.
I'm launching Erica jong's new book: "Sex With Myself - Sticky Fingers".
Bill's thrilled, he loves huge openings.
He's a very good friend of mine.
I've met him.
I've got to go through my acceptance speech, darling.
- Did you write it, Eddie? - No, Will Self did it.
He's very good.
Go and talk to Naomi, she's looking bored.
Talk to her! Hello.
You all right? Bubble? Where's Bubble? Bubble! - What have you got? What's the buzz? - Two bottles of champagne on table six.
A cigar for the man on table four.
And sticky toffee pudding for tables seven and eight.
I need names, places, concepts, happenings.
Network! Get the buzz! Naomi, Patsy Stone.
I think you're fabulous and worth every penny you get.
You are one in a million and, darling, I should know, you know.
I wish you could see the tragic cases that parade through my magazine.
- "Daily Mail," love.
Is that one of Vivien's? - No, it's my own.
I just have to tell these tragic little wannabies: "Just stick your fingers down your throat, hack off your tits, "and don't come back until you're looking like something!" Yeah, I remember you.
And sticky toffee pudding on table six.
Go out again.
I need more.
I see Alexander over there.
The press was very mean to him, but it didn't do him any harm.
He just sells the same clothes, but with the word "crap" printed on them.
"Crap jacket," "crap shirt.
" He can't keep up with the demand for crap.
- There's Naomi! - Yes, don't rub it in.
The other interesting thing I was about to say I'm just launching a campaign on "Tested for animals".
It's cosmetics using human blubber! - The whales use us as a moisturiser.
- Yes.
Whales use us.
- We should get Naomi to front it.
- I've already thought of that! I'll just check.
Hello! - Did you come here last Tuesday? - Yes, it was fabulous.
- What did you think of the film? - I just went for the party.
- So I did that party, you see.
- It was quite good.
I've never thought japanese finger food sat well in the Atlantic.
Bubble! Walk the steps to the podium.
See how many steps there are.
Squeak, walk the steps.
You can't sit there! That's Lulu.
- She's not here.
- She's very small! Hi! I think we met at Helena's eyelash launch.
Claudia Bing.
- Did we? - I'm organising a liposuction night.
Got a lot of actresses interested.
Jane Seymour's sucking out her own.
- I don't need any.
- We don't want fat people.
A real turn-off.
Also, have you heard of Ozone Eco Scent? - Look at that hair! What is that? - Some gel scraped through the split ends.
- I know! That's not a hairstyle.
- No.
It's a cover-up.
I promise we won't take up any more of your time than we can.
It'll be fun! She's being very difficult.
You do the cigar, and I'll deal with the toffee pudding.
Are you OK? You're not drinking that water, are you? Drink this water.
Me and this water.
This water! - Where are you going? - I need a waz.
Me and this water! Me and Naomi.
We're talking about natural thinking.
So if you come to that next week Yes, I will! I found it fascinating.
I always thought psychology was, well, not very interesting.
But you make it Anyway I hope I didn't drag you out of your way to bring me home.
Completely.
It was just great to find somebody interested.
Most of the students are thinking wheelbarrows.
If you remember the analogy I used.
Whereas you have the potential to be a thinking limousine! I don't know about that! A real Rolls Royce brain.
- You don't live here on your own? - My mother is out for the evening, luckily.
Well I'd better be going.
Would you like a tea or coffee or something? - Well What've you got? - Oh! Everything! Pats! What took you so long? Where have you been? - I ran into little jason Donovan.
- Oh, my God! - Is he still standing? - Gorgeous! And now, the award for multimedia networking technique - No, this isn't mine! - To be presented by Lulu.
Lulu! She's with me! - Who is it? - It's Lulu.
She must have got back from Germany.
She's been on tour.
Thank you.
I'm literally off the plane from Australia.
- My new single is out next week.
- Why she telling us this? The winner is Mike Steward! Well done! Lulu! Sing "Shout"! Oh, damn! She's gone.
- Naomi, can I sit here? It's closer for me.
- No, I'm presenting it.
The PRs' PR Award is going to be presented by Naomi Campbell.
That's you! - Relax, Eddie.
It's a good buzz.
- Is it a big buzz? A huge buzz! Move the table closer.
Pick and lift! And the winner if I can open this envelope of the PRs' PR Award is: Claudia Ping! I accept this totally.
I have a great team who'll all be thrilled.
Thank you.
I know this award is chiefly due to the success of my Stop Dumping campaign.
"Stop dumping and make the world a better place.
" Tonight the world couldn't smell sweeter.
I'm thrilled! - Pats.
- It was the wrong buzz.
We're going! We're not staying here.
Come on, darling.
Bye! It frightens me! - I mean, how did that bitch win?! - She probably bribed the judges.
I chose those judges! Come on.
I'm going home! "Stop dumping"! I thought of that.
It's getting late.
Don't get me on to logic bubbles.
I'll be here all night.
Would you like another tea? Raspberry? - What was that I had before this one? - One of Mum's.
- And before that? - The fennel.
OK.
I'll try the raspberry.
- I'm not keeping you up, am I? - No.
I was just thinking it's so true what you were saying about critical thinking.
The western disease.
- You have an eyelash.
- Have I? Where? On your cheek.
I can't see it.
- Which cheek? - Shall I? Yes, please.
Thank you.
- Here.
- Thank you.
- Being cuticle - Cuticle? Sorry.
I mean critical destruction.
Yes, one hypothesis doesn't necessarily make a better one.
- How's the raspberry? - Lovely.
- Are you all right? - I don't think I can manage the passion fruit.
- Oh? - Look, I - I should be going.
- Oh! What is the point of winning if it's not popular? - Nobody likes her.
- Everyone I know hates her! It's just that she's not a woman's woman, you know.
She's not a man's woman, she's not a woman.
- Whereas we, you see - We are anybody's.
They are imports.
They are not important! - Of course they're not, darling.
- I don't know what is happening.
Of course they're not, darling.
- I think I should go.
- This is somebody's subjective view! - Just because they're - I know where the door is.
jealous, because I'm unconventional and successful.
Of course they are, babe.
- Oh, God! I piss better ideas than Claudia Bing.
- You do! - You're back early, Mum.
- Don't ask how it went, darling.
It was a monumental bloody cock-up of global proportions! - I take it you didn't win.
- That award had your name on it.
Of course it did.
I bought it, I sponsored it.
It is the Edina Monsoon PRs' PR Award.
- Then why did you open it up to competition? - Because I am a fool.
- No! Because the bitch cheated.
- The bitch cheated! What did she do? Some work? - Shall I hit her for you, Eddie? - No, muzzle yourself.
I'm sorry, Mum, but I've never seen what you actually do.
PR! - Yes, but - PR! I PR things! People.
Places.
Concepts.
- Lulu! - Lulu! I PR them! I am, and if you've heard of me, I have PR.
I make the fabulous, I make the crap into credible.
- I make the dull into delicious.
PR, darling, yet they would honour some pea-brained hypocritical woman! Well, you all sound the same.
And awards don't matter.
Thank you, darling.
They don't, do they? - Awards, Pats, don't matter.
- We've been here before.
I just, you know I just want one! I just want one, darling.
I need one.
My career is on the road to failure.
I just need one.
It's the only thing that seems to mean anything.
I need it now, before the menopause drags me into her gaping jaws.
Before my creative hormonal oil-well dribbles to a halt.
Before my bottom becomes a patchwork quilt of monkey glands, darling.
The menopause can be a very exhilarating and positive time for a woman.
And the curse is a blessing and childbirth is painless! No! Unless that gaping hole on my mantelpiece is filled pretty soon, I might as well just lick this light switch and do us all a favour.
Aha! Aha! Who was that man? What? Who, who, who? This man here! I came down the stairs, there was a man.
Who? Just my psychology lecturer.
- Psychology lecturer? - He just dropped me home.
Oh, yeah! Look at you.
I thought you were acting a little weird.
- Mum, I am not acting weird.
- Obviously not acting.
If you'd shown any talent in that direction, I'd have sent you to stage school, darling.
With any luck, Roman Polanski would be interested.
She was never young enough for him.
And then we'd never have heard the word uni-bloody-versity.
- I'm off to sleep on what's left of my career.
- What's new? What is new, darling, is that if I don't come up with an idea soon, you can say goodbye to uni-bloody-versity, to this sink, to this house, to you, old Smugs.
Some of us have to work for a living, we can't all be liggers.
Not you, not you.
- Morning, Saffy.
- Morning.
Ready for breakfast.
Now, what do I need? Brainfood.
Vegetable juice and prune juice, that should get something moving.
Something big is going to happen today.
It's going to be a fabulous day! - Are you here today? - I've got to nip into the shop and on to the office for a brainstorm.
- I didn't know you still had the shop.
- Yes, but the supply has dropped off.
India's had it, been there.
Africa's dried up completely.
It's ridiculous.
Thank God for Grozny! If it wasn't for that lovely Russian army advancing, flushing out those gorgeous heirlooms in my direction, I don't know what I'd do.
In the shop I've got this fabulous little samovar with an old woman still attached to it! Gripping on for dear life.
I had to lure her off with dry breadcrumbs so I could get a decent price.
- Mum.
- Shush! Oh, God! It tastes foul, so it must be doing me some good.
Oh, actually, no! Yes, it's working.
I can feel myself thinking better.
Think, think, think.
Strap on the crampons and steer to the summit of my career, darling.
I'm off.
Mum? Change.
What? Oh! What's that? Oh, my God! It's my Westwood bum-bag.
Get it off! Take it off! - Much longer, Tony? - I think I'm ready to try something.
Before lunch? Let's not rush it, Tony.
We've got two days.
I'm trying to spend some money.
- Why not shoot on motion-control cameras? - Is that expensive? Do it.
- What do you want me to do? - Did your car pick you up on time? I have to check.
You got flowers last night? And were they lovely? - Yes.
- And have you been offered everything? You know the product, Ozone the Eco Scent.
This is just a dummy.
In this promotion, you're an insert.
And you say something like: "I plugged my hole with Ozone.
"I want to plug your smell-hole".
Pierce and Colin are doing a rewrite.
Pierce and Colin are the creative team responsible for MILK and BEEF.
- How long will this take? - Sit tight.
Have a coffee.
- Tony wants an emotional-controlled camera.
- Two! Did you get into that global database today? And? I've got a meeting with a computer database tonight.
- What? - He'll be wearing a red rose in his buttonhole.
And if compatibility strikes, who knows? Wedding bells are not out of the question.
And there's a questionnaire.
I put you down as casual, sporty, with no pets.
- Hello! Can I assist? - I just popped by to say congratulations.
- Is Naomi here? - Yes, but she is behaving very badly.
- What's that? - Lacroix watch.
Didn't he send you one? Tony's got a problem! Hi, Naomi.
It's Eddie Monsoon.
I'm starting a global integrated tele-satellite projection system.
The whole world is our screen.
Imagine: Your face on the Gobi desert.
I just need you.
- Have you seen a menu? - Yes.
Just the idea of you is enough.
Thank you.
Say yes.
That's lovely.
- Will we see you tomorrow? - Well, I'm launching something huge.
I just can't bear the idea that one day some inexperienced, clumsy, spotty youth will get his hands on something so precious.
I would love to gently open that flower.
Hello, Gerard! How's your wife? And how's the new house, dear? We miss you up our end, you know.
But I did see your sister the other day.
On that Saga tour of Sizewell B.
It was very good, dear.
They allowed us to push the buttons.
Is he getting fresh with you? Oh, dear! If you take my advice, Gerard, you'll play it cool.
There's nothing so unattractive as a frisky old person.
I know.
I've seen "Cocoon".
- Where's Eddie? - Isn't she with you, dear? I was beginning to think you were attached at the hip.
Try Patsy.
She's more your type.
- I've been trying to explain.
- A drink, Patsy? What? - Don't do this.
- Just get out! I'm home! Idea - had, career - saved.
Crack open the Bolly.
Fabulous, Eddie! Well done, well done! It's a fabulous idea.
I'll present it at the industry do tomorrow.
Will you come? - Yes.
Free lunch, I'll come.
- Mum? Shush.
I'm just going to absorb my lovely launch speech.
- Mum, I need to speak to you about Gerard.
- Shush, I'm meditating.
- Mum, he is bothering me.
- Is he mad? - No, he's married! - With four boys, dear.
I think I left my briefcase.
Go on! Stop bothering my daughter, all right? - Cheers, Eddie! - Yeah, well - Thanks, Mum! - Too many people here already.
Don't look so confident.
You're next, you know.
Yes, you! And with my friends at BMBB and their friends at BMDD, we have worked out the importance of brand identity, more so than many of our rivals.
Testing, testing.
which was once perceived as no more than misshapen blobs of sweet additives, but with new packaging, is now produced as a trendy confectionery, the profits of which for the next three months will go to the Africa Baby Fund.
"Is it a gimmick?" I hear my colleagues cry.
No.
It would only be a gimmick if it was for two months.
In conclusion, I would like to say: Why change the world when all you need is to change people's perception of it? Where is my speech? Where is that waiter? The waiter had my speech.
Where is the waiter that had my speech? It was here a minute ago.
It was here! Hi, hello.
Where is it? It was just here.
Why are we waiting?! - Come on, let's just go! - I can't just go.
I was going to make a Testing, testing.
I was going to make a speech.
But I can't be bothered any more! You know, this used to be like fun, you know.
I'm even bored with the fun bits now.
These bloody lunches and launches, you know, and some no-career celebrities and party desperados.
What for? It's all column inches in some crap tabs and mags.
There has to be a little bit more than that, doesn't there? I had a speech about projected integrated global telly network system, bloody system.
But if that's what the world is coming to, I don't want to be in it.
I don't want to be in some sort of cyber-space, hyper-virtual bloody reality, exchanging e-mail with some old-aged bloody hippies with too much information.
What kind of reality is that? With a 13-amp plug on the end of it.
That can be unplugged like that.
Let's go.
No, I'm not going yet.
You! Yeah, you sit there Velcroed to some bloody ad-man over there! You know, those kings of bastardisation who just taken anything that was ever real and genuine and honest, and attached it to a toilet-cleaner! Whereas I, yeah I, like a bird on the wire.
Like a drunk in a midnight choir.
I have tried, yeah, in my way, to be free.
Like a bird on the wire - Go for it, Eddie.
- Like a drunk in I've tried in my way to be free Yeah, you can laugh, but I don't want more choice.
I just want nicer things.
And you, take that look off your face.
Sitting there with your whales and your cancer and AIDS and starvation.
Skimming the profit off the whole of human misery.
Labelling us all with this global guilt.
It may not all be great, but it ain't that bad, you know.
Come on, world, cheer up.
It may never bloody happen! We're going.
Come on, darling.
Where is my speech? The waiter took it.
It would have been there at the table.
Wait, he's in the kitchen.
Let's go to the kitchen! - Good speech, Eddie.
- They're a bunch of bastards, aren't they? Where are we going, Eddie? If it was cleared away by the waiter, it'll be here somewhere.
Eddie! Eddie?! Hello? Hello, sweetie.
Huh? Really? Yes.
Well, darling, I knew that would happen.
That's fabulous.
Tell her I'll be right there, darling.
Hang on.
Oi! Boatie.
Where are we going? Landfill? Landfill.
Ostende? Darling, it's landfill in Ostende.
Get me a cab for Ostende.
See you later.
Hello, darling.
Well done, Mum.
I heard about your speech.
I'm very proud of you.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- "Cheer up, it may never happen.
" I know.
It's fabulous, isn't it? "Cheer up, it may never happen.
" Got me the Prozac campaign.
Listen, where is Bubble? Bubble? Yes, we're launching it this week.
I want huge billboards.
Depressed? Don't be! Unhappiness is an unnatural state.
Especially round council estates and hospitals, darling.
Before the lunch.
All right? Coming into the office, don't panic.
Come on, darling.
There's a sniff of joan Collins around Harvey Nicks.
There's this fantastic shop down there.
We'll go there first.