All In The Family s03e04 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew where You were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Hi, Ma.
I just love rainy days, don't you? Yeah.
It was raining on our honeymoon.
Oh, that's romantic-- you and Daddy in your cozy hotel room in Atlantic City in the rain.
Oh, it wasn't so romantic.
Archie was so mad.
He kept saying, "Here we are, stuck in this hotel room for the whole honeymoon.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh, Ma no.
Hey, did I tell you that riddle Tammy told me about the surgeon who couldn't operate? No.
You didn't.
[BELL RINGING.]
Oh, excuse me, Gloria.
The sweet rolls are ready, and Archie hates it when the sugar drips.
Gloria Good morning, Michael, dear.
Never mind the "good morning.
" Look at this.
See that? I'm sick and tired of putting on this shirt every time you wash it, Gloria, and finding there's no button there.
Look at that.
All right, Michael.
Gloria, didn't I tell you to fix it? Didn't I? All right, Michael.
I'm busy now.
I'll do it later.
Gloria, this has been going on for three weeks! Sew it on now! Sew it on yourself! What? Where's it written down that a woman has to do all the sewing? Gloria, you're my wife! What's that got to do with it? You sew it on! Well, I can't.
Why not? You got the sewing kit! Well, I'll go get it for you right now.
No.
No.
No.
Wait a second.
Gloria, I mean, uh, you do it better than me.
You always do it.
That's because I want to, not because you order me to.
Okay, forget it! Ma, could you sew a button on for me? Sure, Mike.
No, you don't, Ma.
He's gonna do it himself.
Oh, I didn't know you liked sewing, Mike.
I don't! I hate it! Forget it! I'll do it! I'll do it! Whatever you're gonna do, Meathead, do it in quiet, huh.
Okay! What's the matter with him? Can't a person get a cheerful "good morning" around here no more? [CHEERFULLY.]
Good morning! Not from you, Edith.
We already seen each other upstairs.
Yeah, but that was lying down.
Remember, Archie? We both woke up together, and we looked at each other, and I said, "Good morning, Archie," and you rolled over.
Edith, where's my regular prune juice? This ain't Sunsweet.
Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
Ferguson's market was sold out, but Sybil Gooley at the checkout stand said this kind tasted just the same.
Well, tell Sybil Gooley I don't drink prune juice for the taste.
I know.
And look at this here.
The eggs ain't runny enough, Edith.
How am I going to dip my toast into a hard yolk? Complaints, complaints First Michael, now you, Daddy.
You men treat us like unpaid servants.
That's what we are to you-- servants.
"Cook this, clean that, sew this.
" Come on.
Will you let me eat? EDITH: Mike, what did you do to your finger? Nothing, Ma.
Did you cut yourself, Michael? Yeah.
I'm just acting silly over that stupid button.
I'm sorry.
No.
You were right.
I was wrong.
Oh, Edith, do they have to be slobbering that way on a Sunday morning here? How did you do it, Michael? I stuck my finger trying to sew the button on.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You, the husband, were sewing something? Yeah.
What's wrong with that? Well, if you don't know, I ain't gonna tell you.
Well, tell me, because I don't know either.
He's the husband.
He ain't supposed to be doing that.
That's the wife's job.
That is nothing but a male chauvinist attitude! Will you tell me something? What is this "male chauvinist" you keep throwing up at me? It's not a "what," it's a who.
You see, there was this Frenchman, and his name was Chauvin, and he was the original chauvinist.
And he was a beautiful piano player too.
MICHAEL: What? Yeah, Chauvin.
Cornel Wilde took his part in the picture and he wrote some lovely songs: I'm always Chasing rain All right! All right.
Put a lid on it, huh.
Ma, that's Chopin.
Chauvin was an officer with Napoleon.
Well, what has a dead frog soldier got to do with me? Everything.
You see, Chauvin was a stupid nationalist who believed that everything French was best, and that women were no good.
Well, who cares? All I'm saying is no self-respecting American husband would do his own sewing.
Oh, what about Dr.
Nelson, the surgeon? He does a lot of sewing.
On people, Edith-- he sews on people.
Well, he must have practiced on something before he started on people.
That reminds me, Gloria-- you were gonna tell me something about a surgeon and you never finished.
Well, yeah.
That was the riddle that Tammy Robinson told me.
I bet you'll never guess it.
Who's Tammy Robinson? Oh, she's the girl that's running the female fair exhibition down at the store.
She's coming over here this morning so we can work on it.
Oh, what's she coming over here for? Can't we have a Sunday in this house with no visitors? What a day this is gonna be.
And look at that rain out there, Edith! I'm sorry, Archie.
Daddy, you've got her saying she's sorry like it's her fault it's raining.
Well, it ain't my fault.
Well, tell us about the riddle.
Okay.
Now, you see, there's this father and his son, and they're driving along in a car, and the car crashes, and the father is killed.
Oh, that's so sad.
Oh, jeez, it's only a story, Edith.
Anyway, the father is killed, and the little boy is badly injured, so they rush him to a hospital, take him into the operating room.
The surgeon walks in and says, "I can't operate on this boy.
He's my son.
" How come? Well, that's easy.
The surgeon was his father.
Well, he ain't supposed to operate on his own family.
Daddy, I just said the father was killed.
Oh, then it was the stepfather was killed and the surgeon's the real father.
No.
I know! The surgeon was a Christian Scientist.
They never operate.
How could the surgeon be a Christian Scientist, Edith? Them dumbbells don't even allow sickness.
If the father was dead, what's the difference what kind of a religious nut he was? Hey the father was a priest, right? Like a Catholic father.
No, it was a real father and his real son.
HmmLet me get this straight: A father and a son were in a car crash.
The father is killed, and the son is rushed to the hospital.
They bring him to surgery.
Surgeon walks in, says, "I can't operate on that boy.
He's my son.
" That's right.
All right.
Is it a case of mistaken identity? That's wrong.
Of course it's wrong.
Well, how can you be so sure? You don't know the answer.
Well, I know that it ain't the answer.
Well, maybe the answer has something to do with people that come back from the hereafter, like that milk company.
Oh, reincarnation? Yeah! No.
No, that's not the answer, Ma.
You give up, Michael? Yeah.
Yeah.
Michael gives up.
What's the answer? No.
No.
I don't give up.
I bet I get it before you do.
What are you talking about? A quarter you don't.
Yeah.
You're on.
You want to make a bet? Okay.
Sure.
Gloria, don't be telling him the answer.
No cheating here.
Go on, Edith.
Get my coffee and bring it over here, will you? Tammy is so smart to think up a hard riddle like that.
She didn't think it up.
How do you know she didn't? Because riddles ain't thought up.
They come out of newspapers and magazines.
Well, Tammy could have thought it up.
She's a very clever girl.
You know, the whole female fair was all her idea.
"Female fair"? What's that? Oh, it's Tammy's idea for an exhibition on the women's liberation movement.
Ah, good night, nurse.
Another one of them.
You letting your wife get mixed up in that? Why not? Why not-- because I got a feeling that female fairs is run by female fairies.
That's a horrible thing to say about my friend Tammy.
I know a female fairy, and she ain't horrible.
What female fairy do you know? Tinkerbell in Peter Pan.
Yeah I remember when I was a freshman in high school, the senior class put on Peter Pan.
Oh, it was so beautiful, I cried.
I'll never forget how Peter Pan talked to the audience.
Peter was played by Spunky Finch, and she had new braces on her teeth, and as soon as the spotlight hit all that silver wire, oh, it just gave you goosebumps.
Well, anyway, Peter said, "Do you believe in fairies? "Say it quick if you believe.
If you believe, clap your hands!" And then everybody clapped their hands, and Peter said, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" "And now to rescue Wendy!" Oh, oh, oh! I just love theater.
Is the curtain down? Yeah.
Good, because I got the answer to that there riddle over there.
The kid on the operating table was his own double.
What? Double.
Double.
You know what a double is.
They got them in all their stories there, like in that picture, The Prince and the Porpoise.
No, Daddy.
That's not the answer.
Wrong.
Well, any jerk can sit there saying, "Wrong.
" I don't hear you coming up with nothing! Hey, we got a bet that I come up with it before you, that's all.
Aw.
I'd better clear the table.
Oh, I'll help you, Ma.
I'll help you too.
Wait a minute! I don't want all of yous going in the kitchen together there.
She'll be giving him the answer behind my back.
Gloria, don't you say nothing to him in there! I won't say anything, Daddy.
You keep an eye on them two out there, Edith! [DOORBELL BUZZING.]
I don't want no answers being given to nobody before they get them the right way.
See, I don't want no cheating here! Are you Tammy? Yes.
Quick, what's the answer to the surgeon's riddle? Daddy! Shh.
Admit it, you cheated.
What do you know about it? You was out there in the kitchen.
Gloria told me you asked her the answer.
I'll put an end to this thing.
Hey, Tammy, there, did you tell me anything? No, I didn't.
There.
But you asked her.
Case closed.
Come on.
Case closed.
Uh, Gloria, I think we should tell them.
Nobody ever gets it anyway.
No, I'm not going to tell them.
They're always saying men are smarter than women, so let them figure it out for themselves.
Tammy, I made you some coffee.
Oh, thank you.
You know, it's really not a riddle at all.
There's a very simple answer.
Well, maybe that's the trouble.
Maybe it's too simple.
I mean, you're looking at an old riddle guy here.
But I'm used to handling real toughies, you know? Like what? Toughies, like, for instance, knock-knock, who's there? A bandleader's initials.
Oh, I know that game.
You think up the name of a famous bandleader, but you just give the initials, and then the others have to guess who it is.
Yeah.
But you have to have lived a lot to play a game like that.
Oh, you said it.
Because all them big band guys, they was before your time, all yous kids.
That sounds like fun.
May I try? You want to try it, Tammy? Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Wait a minute, and I'll give you one.
Let me think of a good one for you.
Uh P.
W.
Paul Whiteman.
Hey! Look at Tammy! She got it right away here.
That's very good.
I would've said Patty Waghorn.
Who the hell is Patty Waghorn? He led the harmonica hijinks at our high-school hops.
Oh, cut it out, will you? Oh, he was so good.
He could play "Over the Waves" on his harmonica without using his mouth, just his nostrils.
Oh I got a bandleader's initials: T.
D.
Tommy Dorsey.
Tommy Dorsey.
Right.
Hey, Tammy, you're good at this.
You're terrific.
What about me? I got it too.
You're terrific too, Daddy.
Hey, hey.
Thought of a good one.
You two go over there.
Sit down.
Now I got one for all of yous: E.
C.
"E.
C.
" [ARCHIE CHUCKLES.]
Eddie Condon.
Well, Eddie Condon's E.
C.
but ain't the E.
C.
I'm thinking about.
Eddie Cochran? I never heard of him.
MICHAEL: So? Well, if I never heard of him he ain't the right E.
C.
All right.
We give up.
Who is it? Yous all give up? Yeah.
[CHUCKLING.]
Xavier Cugat.
What? What? Xavier Cugat! That's wonderful! ARCHIE: That's pretty good, huh, Tammy? Archie, that's not E.
C.
That's X.
C.
Xavier begins with an X.
Get outta here.
Sure! No human being begins his name with an "X".
I heard it a million times-- Xavier Cugat.
E-G-Z-avier Cugat.
Look it up.
Come on, Tammy.
We'd better get to work.
Okay.
Oh, Mr.
Bunker, may I have one of your cigars? You're gonna smoke a cigar? Oh, no, no.
I'm not gonna smoke it.
I'd like to borrow it for the display board.
Oh.
All right.
Go ahead.
There.
Oh, thank you.
It helps to point up some of the more negative aspects of the male stereotype.
I'm for that.
I love the smell of a good cigar.
Nobody is listening to you, Edith.
You know, Tammy, what I got against yous women libertines there, if you forgive my saying it, is that yous don't want to do the jobs you was meant to do, which is housewives.
And mothballs.
What? I love the smell of mothballs.
I used to hide in closets when I was a little girl just to get a whiff of them.
Why don't you go up to the closet in the attic and enjoy yourself? If you don't want to do that, then do your job-- finish sewing.
Oh, Mr.
Bunker, why does our society take it for granted that women can do no other job? Women can do anything.
Anything left over.
No, no, no, wait a second, Arch.
Women make some of the finest leaders in the world.
Oh, that's the dumbest thing you ever said.
Like who? Well, like Golda Meir.
Bad example, Meathead.
Of course, them Hebes has been ruled by Jewish mothers since time began.
Well, what about, uh Mrs.
Gandhi? I didn't know Mrs.
Gandhi was Jewish.
Archie, what about Mrs.
Gandhi? I mean, she's the prime minister of India.
Who cares about India? Any country that would worship a cow would put anybody in charge.
You see? He's the result of centuries of conditioning.
You gotta listen to what Tammy found in the Bible.
The Bible! Listen to this: "For man is the image and glory of God, but the woman is the glory of man.
" St.
Paul, First Corinthians, That's terrible.
That's beautiful.
It's the Bible.
Wait a minute.
You've gotta hear this one too.
You wanna hear what the orthodox Jew says every morning in his prayers? I can live without it.
"Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, that I was not born a woman.
" Well, like I always say, there's some good in all religions.
What about this from the Koran: "Men are superior to women because God has given them pre-eminence.
" That's really awful.
When I hear things like that, I thank God I'm an atheist.
Listen, Tammy, there, I hope, on top of everything else, you ain't one of them unbelievers, like that Meathead over here.
Oh, no, I go to church, Mr.
Bunker, but I don't have to agree with everything in The Bible.
I don't think that men have the right to control women's lives.
Yeah, like abortion laws.
Abortion! On Sunday! Hey, Arch, she's right.
I mean, why should a man have the right to tell a woman what she can do with her body? Get off the woman's body on a Sunday! Talking about things like that in this house-- abortions and all of that.
Even the president of the U.
S.
of A.
Took time out to say that that was wrong.
Nixon would soon change his mind if he got pregnant.
I ain't gonna stay here and listen to no more of this here garbage.
I'm gonna go and wash the taste of it right out of my mouth.
Where are you going, Archie? Down to Kelsey's Bar, Edith, where people still have a little respect for the Sabbath.
And then this guy puts a gun to his head, and says to his wife, "Don't laugh, baby, you're next.
" [ALL LAUGH.]
Hey, that's the funniest one Hey, Tommy, give me a beer, huh? Hey, Arch.
Archie.
Hey, how are you? Hey, do you know any Polish jokes? Are you kidding? I got one living in the house with me.
Tell you what, though What? I got a great riddle for you.
Anybody here good at riddles? A riddle? Ol' Barney here is an expert on them things.
Well, to be honest with you, Arch, the riddle ain't been born that I can't figure out.
That's right.
Well, that's good, because here it is, and it's a toughie.
Now, father and son go out for a drive in the car.
All right, there's a crash.
Yeah.
The father's killed.
Now, they rush the kid to the hospital for emergency operation.
The surgeon comes in, takes one look at the kid and says, "Hold it, hold it.
I cannot operate on my own son.
" Now explain that.
Boy, that kid was lucky.
Did I ever tell you about the nut that operated on me? He left three sponges inside of me-- three.
Even without the gallstones, I was heavier leaving the hospital than when I went in.
Get back to the riddle, huh? Why couldn't the surgeon operate on the kid? A pushover.
Because the son was a son-in-law.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aw, that ain't it.
No.
No? No.
Well, uh.
Oh, then it was his adopted son.
Yeah.
No.
Ahh.
Ah-hah! I got it.
I got it.
Like in them weirdo movies, the dead guy transports himself out of his own corpse.
Hey, Barney, you're slipping.
Wait, wait, wait.
Ah! I got it! This time, I got it.
The kid was illegitimate.
No, no, no.
Is there a trick to it? There ain't no trick to this.
Well, then, I give up.
I don't know.
Well, what do you mean, Barney? You can't figure it out? Well, there's gotta be a first time, Arch.
This is a tough one.
What's the answer? Well, jeez, Barney, I thought you was going to tell me.
You mean you don't know the answer? Yeah, I know the answer.
Well, then what's the answer? The answer Well, give us the answer then.
You knocked the answer right out of my head.
Hey, how do you like a bum like that? [BOTH SHOUTING.]
I'll tell you one thing.
What? Maybe I forgot the answer here, but when I re-remember it-- and I will-- I ain't gonna tell none of yous.
Hey, hey! [SPUTTERS.]
Give us the answer to that one.
You know what we should do, Gloria? We should hit some of those TV commercials as well.
Good idea.
You know that one where that jerk is always criticizing his wife's coffee? Just once, I'd like to see her pour the whole pot over his head.
Right.
Oh, hey, Tammy.
I'm glad you're still here.
I want to talk to you before you get away.
What's the answer to that there surgeon riddle? Should we tell him, Gloria? Oh, no, no, wait a second.
Hey, we still got that bet, right? I got a bigger and a more important bet with some real men down in Kelsey's Bar.
Tammy, Gloria! Archie, I'm glad you're back.
I think I have the answer to the riddle! Really? Yeah.
The surgeon couldn't operate on his own son, right? Right.
Yeah.
But not because the surgeon was the boy's father The surgeon was the boy's mother! You're right! Oh, good for you, Mrs.
Bunker! Why didn't I think of that?! That's wrong! What's the real answer? That's it.
Mrs.
Bunker is right.
Gee, you know, that never entered my head, that a woman could be a surgeon.
Look at the way I've been trained to think.
Like a chauvinist.
Right.
Well, if that's the answer, that's the dumbest riddle I ever heard.
I'll tell you what's dumb, Mr.
Bunker-- that we have all been conditioned to believe that only men can be surgeons.
Aw, what are you talking about? With all the millions of doctors in the world, who the hell ever heard of a woman surgeon? Daddy, there are thousands of women surgeons in the world.
Oh, well, not around here.
Maybe in your oriental countries, where they got that there chinky-puncture or something.
Ma, you were very smart to have thought of that.
Oh, thank you, Mike.
But I'm sorry I thought of it before you did, Archie.
Aw, who cares, Edith? It was a dumb riddle.
It was made up by a woman, it's got a make-believe woman doctor in it there, and I ain't surprised that you got it, because it's a woman's riddle.
I don't want to hear no more about it.
And give me back my cigar.
Oh, my, that was a clever riddle Tammy gave us.
Clever riddle I got a clever riddle for yous.
Oh, good! How long does it take one dingbat to go 20 feet for one beer? How long does it take Oh, never mind! Just go out to the kitchen and bring me back a can of beer.
Oh.
Right away, Archie.
How long does it take one dingbat [.]
ANNOUNCER: All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.