Ally Mcbeal s03e04 Episode Script

Richard! Snipach noodle! Morning.
Yes.
Can we talk? Sure.
Have a seat.
What the, uh E-ek-excuse me.
Paula, the, the smoke detector is malfunctioning again.
-Yes, Mr.
Fish.
-Ling, one second.
Do you think I'm stupid? You have your house wired the same as your office.
Wh-wh-what are, what are you talking about? "Hello, Richard.
" "What shall we watch on TV tonight?" "Hey, I love your tie.
" Well, it's "Can we talk?" That thing is voice-activated to go off every time I want to have a conversation! What, Ling? What Ling, that's, that's ridiculous.
Really? Richard, we need to talk.
Okay, that's, uh, that's a coincidence.
How about this one? Marriage.
Well, you know that, that, uh better safe than sorry.
Bygones! ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 µ¿È£È¸ ¹ÛÀ¸·ÎÀÇ À¯ÃâÀ» »ï°¡ÇØÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
Billy, when is our next meeting? You're not coming to the meetings, Richard.
Oh, they like me.
Richard.
Oh, Ally, Ally, uh great.
Risa Helms is here to see you.
Remember the woman whose fiance you slept with right before you stood up at their wedding and ruined it? Yes, Richard, I remember.
Wh-why is she here? Uh, something about making amends or getting even, I'm not sure which.
Richard, I really need to talk to you.
Absolutely.
I'm a little jammed right now.
Let's make some time this afternoon.
Ally, here she comes.
Ally.
Risa.
This is a summons and complaint.
I'm suing you for intentional infliction of emotional distress.
H-h-hello Bugger.
She can't do that! Well, o-o-obviously she cannot do this, right? Well, you did destroy her wedding day.
I was there.
You were vicious! The minister said that if anybody knew of a reason why they shouldn't be married, let it be known! The question goes to your intent: Were you really trying to help her, or did you not want her to marry him because it was the best sex of your life? Excuse me? -Hello, John said that the guy was a really good.
-O-okay! Look.
She already noticed my deposition.
-So I, I, I just need to -She deposed me as a witness.
Me too.
Vicious! I would suggest you get her testimony on record first.
Ah! I'll have to get used to this whole unisex thing.
Sandy, this is Georgia, Richard, Ally, Ling, Nelle, John.
Sandy Hingle, my new assistant.
-Hi.
-Hi.
What? "What"? Yes.
What's the problem? What is she? Nineteen? I interviewed several people.
She was the best.
Oh, I'm sure she was! And what was the criteria? She was the best candidate for the job, Georgia.
Certainly you're not suggesting she be penalized for being attractive? I don't want her working for you.
It is not your decision.
I am your wife.
This is work, not home! Home is going to be hell! Then, I will spend more time at the office! You going to hit me again? I don't think that was in the spirit of what we're trying to accomplish here, Billy.
Well, what are we trying to accomplish? The goal is clear: To develop a greater sensitivity to women, their needs and respect to Yes.
And why have we all come? Because we feel like we're failing.
And who is it that has made us feel like a failure? Our wives! We are here because they emasculated us.
How many of them are going to meetings trying to learn how to be better in bed? Billy We keep hearing that for men the relationship is oriented toward sex, and for women communication.
Why the hell is it that we're out there trying to get better at communicating, while they don't make the slightest effort to improve the sex? And let's be honest.
We're really here because we're not having our needs met! You know what? I've replayed various relationships I've had with different women, and I've polled a few friends about their past girlfriends, and there is one clear consensus: The women that treated us the best were the ones we treated the worst! -All right, Billy.
-No, he's right about that! -We need to take back our lives! -I've heard Let him talk.
He's right.
My wife is a total bitch! They don't like being dominated! Well, why the hell should we? Yeah! Yes! Three hundred people, my wedding day, and one of my bridesmaids announces she had sex with the groom.
Then, she pulls me aside and tells me ,while I'm standing there in my wedding gown, she proceeds to tell me, how good the sex was with Joel, how amazing he was.
It was the height of cruelty.
It was only meant to My therapist tells me one day I'll get over it.
I'm not so sure.
Do you doubt she was looking after your best interests? You know, at first I believed she was sincere, but now -Risa! -Ally! It's one thing to raise your hand and say, "Wait a second," it's another to say into a microphone that you slept with him.
And then, after we go into a back room to iron things out, we decide to go on with the ceremony.
She does it again, twice.
Whipper? Sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just so awful.
You know what, Ally? I still wish I had gone through with the ceremony.
The fact that he had a last fling, I could have lived with that -- I had one.
But no bride can How could I have ever gone through with the ceremony in that moment, after the things you said? Whipper! What do you think? Nineteen? Twenty? She's young enough to spank.
We need her to sign a waiver on sexual harassment.
Richard, I don't think those clauses are enforceable.
Richard, I need to speak with you.
I have a problem.
Uh, all right.
Can you state it quickly? I guess.
I've been faking my orgasms.
Bygones.
How could you be faking it? Richard, I know it sounds bad, but please don't take it personally.
What? D-don't take it personally? Y-you, you fake orgasms? Only just so you'll roll off and I can go to sleep.
S-so, uh, what y-you're saying is, uh you're not, uh, sexually satisfied? Oh, I'm very satisfied.
Trust me.
It's just that you're not always there at the time.
So, you, uh ? Sometimes.
Richard, I want you to stop taking that Viagra.
First of all, you don't need it.
And second, I think it desensitizes you.
Or you might be happy to go all night -- for me, after ten minutes, it gets old.
So, this is why you, uh, uh, uh fake? Sweetheart, you and I both know that deep down, you're only interested in your own climax.
So, go off the Viagra.
We live in New England.
Be a Minuteman again.
It's colonial! I'll take care of myself.
Settle? Ally, if this ever went to a jury -I was being truthful.
I -You stopped the wedding twice! Then, you tell the bride how great a lover her groom was.
Three hundred people sitting there.
I would say that that could cause some emotional distress.
And I'd say it looks intentional.
I am not going to pay her money.
Ally, I know your heart was in the right place, but we got to deal with how it looks.
A jury could smack you for over a million dollars.
I am not going to settle.
Ally, if you get hammered for seven figures, which is entirely possible, you can spend the rest of your life working for that woman.
You have to settle.
Oh, I can't believe this.
There's one possible thing.
-What? -What? If we could show that her marrying him would have caused her even more emotional pain.
How can we prove that? He'd have to be a witness for us.
If he testifies that he knows the marriage would have been a disaster.
He's not going to do that.
Why would he? He probably won't.
But it's worth asking.
Richard.
Sweetie.
Buttons.
Honey.
Ling, I'm late for a meeting.
You'll need to sign here Okay.
And initial here And one more right there.
Great.
Excuse me.
Sandy, could I have one second with Mr.
Thomas? Sure.
Good meeting with the men this morning? It was okay, if you could call them men.
Billy, I, I don't know what's going on.
Obviously, you're you're going through something.
Whatever it is, let's work on it.
What's going on, Georgia I'm really angry at myself.
Okay.
Why? I think, uh I've allowed myself to become I think I've aspired to be what constitutes the modern idea of an evolved, secure man.
He's, well he's not old-fashioned, I guess.
And, uh I've been denying that I am old-fashioned.
Which means? I want children.
I don't believe in nannies raising kids.
I think the mother should be at home.
And uh I know this sounds terrible, but I want my needs to come first.
That saying, "A man's home is his castle" it's maybe a stupid thing to want, but I do want it, and I'm sick of denying it.
Sick of playing the sensitive male thing.
I'm just sick of it.
Excuse me.
Joel.
I was in the neighborhood, so I How's it going? "How's it going"? -Are you angry? -Angry? Wh-why should I be angry? Just because you ruined my life? I, I didn't Just because the only woman I ever loved says she can't look at me Look.
I was her bridesmaid and her lawyer.
I, I Which means what? Which means I had some duty to her.
Duty? That doesn't mean you jump up at a wedding and announce in front of every The minister said to speak now or forever hold your penis.
Peace, peace! What did you come back here for? To get waxed? Look.
Don't flatter yourself.
You weren't that good! That's not what you told her.
I, I told her that because Because why? Because All right, you were that good.
But she told me that you didn't touch her like you knew what you were doing.
Excuse me? A-and I know that you know what you're doing.
So, I figured that you must not have any passion for her.
Wait a minute.
She said that? She said I touch her like I don't know what I'm doing? Get over it, Joel.
If No! I won't get over it! I was about to be married to the woman I loved.
You destroyed that.
I won't get over it.
Why are you here? I was wondering if you would be willing to testify that it was probably best that you didn't marry her.
It it's Don't worry.
Stop telling me not to worry.
Cou-could you stop telling me that! Richard, you were the one that said and I quote: "The sex is good if it's good for me.
" John, to give is to receive.
And if she's not getting, there's a danger she'll stop giving.
Does Nelle always ? Well, I'm not sure.
She makes little sounds: "Ooh, ooh.
" "Ooh, ooh"? That's it? Once she screamed, but she'd been stung by a bee.
Oh.
You know, I'm not sure Nelle's even in favor of them.
Orgasms? Oh, she's big on control.
She doesn't like to let go.
I'm sorry now I even brought it up.
Look.
We're talking about five seconds here, okay? That's how long the big O lasts -- five seconds, sometimes six.
This is so typical of men.
What we want is affection, commitment, companionship, somebody to spend our days and nights with, somebody to make us happy in life.
And instead, you've stayed focused on five to six seconds of a few major muscle contractions! You're a pathetic species! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Richard.
I only wanted to get you off that drug so that we could be a normal couple again and get it over with during the commercial breaks! This will teach me to be open.
I really did screw up.
I, I thought that I did the right thing.
But, but maybe he's not a womanizer.
I mean, he seemed really devoted to her.
Maybe he's just a faithful man who, you know, just had to have me.
I saw that! Well, I take it he won't testify on your behalf ? I think not.
So, he really loves her? Yes.
A-and I'm suddenly thinking that maybe he's not even a phenomenal lover.
Maybe I was just so incredible and, you know, he kept up.
I saw that! What if we broker them back together? Sorry? If he still loves her, getting them back together could save Ally a lot of money.
She could still sue, even if they reconcile.
Yes.
But would she, if we help them reconcile? Nothing to lose.
-Benny, could I have the bill? -Very good, sir.
You didn't drink it.
Sorry? Oh! Uh well, I don't um, drink actually.
Not anymore.
I would sometimes I, uh, I come here and I order one.
Oh.
Why? Well, uh I'm not sure that the explanation will make me seem any less strange than I already do.
But, um I used to have a nightcap at the end of every workday and, uh, they relaxed me.
When I started to feel as if I needed the nightcap, I stopped.
No.
Now I understand why you would stop.
Why come and order them? I was just getting to that.
I, uh, don't miss the drinking.
What I miss is that, um, relaxed sensation that I'd get somewhere between the first drink when I was still stressed, and the third when I shouldn't be driving.
Somehow by ordering a drink and sitting next to it and looking at it, it makes it easier to imagine that feeling.
And imagined relaxation isn't so bad, either.
You're right.
Your explanation makes you seem no less strange.
Yeah.
Well you know, it's really the same principle as taking off your wedding band.
It makes you no less married.
It just makes it easier to imagine feeling like you are.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Richard! Uh Ally here? No.
No, I think she's trying to set up a meeting.
Oh oh! Yeah.
H-her case going to settle? Well, we hope so.
Yeah.
So, how's life with you? Oh, it's just, it's great, yeah.
Business is good now Great.
And how's Thing? Ling.
Uh, she's, she's good.
-Good.
-Right Anything else? No.
Just Oh okay.
Uh, you know uh, listen.
Um, uh, tech-technical question.
Uh, for, for declaratory judgments, do you have to file, uh, a full complaint? Depends.
If it's a legal issue, somtimes you can get away without it.
-That's what I thought.
-Yeah Oh, and when we were together, di-did you reach orgasm? -What? -Never mind.
I Richard? Thing has been faking them.
Oh And you're crushed? Well, I mean, if a man isn't good in bed and rich, what is he? Richard, you really don't have anything to be insecure about.
Honest? You could put me into orbit by just diddling my wattle.
Well, I mean, that's different.
I'm, I'm good with necks.
Yes, you are.
Hey, well, i-it's good to see you.
Yeah.
You, too.
If you love her as much as you say you do, what's not to try? She's willing to meet? Yes What time? Eight o'clock.
Oh, here Ah, here's the address.
Okay.
Great! Good, I'll, I'll see you tonight.
I did, I just, uh A-assuming that you do love her like how could you you know, w-with me? I don't know.
You're the only woman I've been with besides Risa in the last six years, and, and I had no intention of having any last thing before I went down the aisle.
So, what happened? I don't know what.
I, I really can't explain it.
I saw you looking at me, and I instantly Do you ordinarily have sex with strangers? No.
First time ever? Yes.
As for not touching Risa the way I touched you -- that's, that's true.
The truth is, that was the first time I didn't feel a little inhibited when making love.
I-it was the most incredible Sex.
We weren't making love, as much as we were Y-yeah.
It was Anyway, what happened in that car wash never happened before and it'll never happen again.
That's good.
Uh, so, um, eight o'clock? Yeah.
¢ÜThere's a new man in town, and he's not putting down ¢ÜThere's a new man in town, and he's not putting down ¢ÜPeople listen up, there's something like What have you done? You like it? No.
Y-you look like Billy Idol.
Well, I'm just plain Billy.
Okay.
Clearly, you're losing your mind.
No, I'm not.
What is going on? I sat in the room listening to all those men apologize for who and what they are, and it made me realize I've been doing it my whole adult life! -And you are? -A guy's guy! And you've been acting like? A woman's guy.
A wussified piece of wet toast woman's guy.
Well! There's a new man in town, Georgia! I hate the new man! Why did you have to say anything? Because I can't take it anymore! Nobody asked the women if they like Viagra.
Why do you think Liddy Dole was running for President? Anything to get out of the house.
Well, Ling, you don't tell a man he doesn't please you in bed.
Better to deceive him? Yes, or to tell him what you want that'll make you satisfied.
I want him to stop.
You don't even like having sex with him? I like it for about ten minutes.
After that, I fake having 'cause when he thinks that's happening, he gets it over with on his end, and I can still watch Nightline.
Okay.
Why didn't you just continue faking it? Because I hate ending my day on a lie.
Plus, I'm getting a little polyp on my throat.
The doctor thinks it's from irritation, he doesn't want me to scream.
I could go, "Ooh, ooh," like you, but Ooh ooh? John told Richard that's the sound you make, "Ooh, ooh.
" Really? What else did he say? And on a hot summer night you'd be drowned out by a lone cricket.
Oh, great.
This is why I'm against honesty.
Hello? Hello? Joel! You, you're early.
It's, it's, it's only 7:30.
Oh.
Well, uh, come on in.
Can I get you anything? Nope.
Fine.
I can't believe she's open to this.
I can't even get her to return my calls.
Well, Renee and Whipper are bringing her over.
I promise.
You know, I, I didn't figure you for a lawyer when we, you know met.
Really? What did you think I did? I don't know.
Uh, horseback-riding instructor Excuse me? Well, I figured nature or art, you know, something with soul to it.
Well, lawyers can be very soulful people, you know.
Well, so what? Your, your dad, one? He, he make you to law school? He certainly did not.
I went to law school because my boyfriend did.
You two aren't together anymore, huh? Uh no.
But uh, actually we, we work together.
But, but why? What? How do you know we're not together anymore? Well, uh well, you made love like you're not with anyone, like, uh like you hadn't made love in five years or a hundred.
Oh, well, I get plenty.
Uh, y-you made love the same way.
I mean, I, I could say two hundred years.
Forever.
But I already told you why.
Oh yeah.
Tell me again? So, I guess you're hoping if, if we get back together, she'll drop the lawsuit? Yes.
But we wouldn't be doing this if you both didn't want to get back together.
And, and you, you do want that, right? Yeah, yeah.
Well, she's, she's the best woman I've ever met.
You know, best.
You know, I know this sounds crazy, but I really don't want to be in a room with you.
I mean, not alone.
I don't know if it's some spell or Can I wait outside? Sure.
Is it, is it my imagination? Or was I getting the same signals? I'm not sending any signals.
A-are you kidding? I-if I don't settle this lawsuit, I I don't mean to send anything.
I-is there a lobby or a waiting area? You can, uh, sit out here at my, uh, assistant's desk.
¢ÜHey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister ¢ÜHe met Marmalade down in Old New Orleans ¢ÜStruttin' her stuff on the street ¢ÜShe said, "Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?" ¢ÜHey hey, gitchy gitchy yaya dada ¢ÜGitchy gitchy yaya here ¢ÜMocha chocolata yaya ¢ÜCreole Lady Marmalade Is it animal attraction or something? I, I, I don't know.
Ally.
Oh god.
Do you realize we've made love twice, that's the first time I've said your name? Yeah.
Funny.
Ally! Whipper! Renee is on her way up with Risa and her attorney.
Great! Um, this is, uh um, Joel.
Joel, this is Whipper.
Hi.
What? Did you take the stairs? Sorry? Uh, you just look a little flush.
Flush? Oh, I, uh guess I'm a little nervous.
Oh, it's, it's a good look! My ex used to get a look just like that right after sex.
Sorry.
That went down on the wrong windpipe, Life Saver, it, it went down on the wrong windpipe.
I, I swallowed the wrong thing.
Way.
Oh god.
-We're here! -Oh! Good.
Well, let's get it on! No, the, the, the meeting, sta-start the meeting.
What's wrong? N-not-nothing's wrong.
We're, we're, we're just about to reunite two lovers and it makes me a little, makes me a little giddy, COME ON! ¢ÜWhenever I'm with him, something inside ¢ÜStarts to burning, and I'm filled with desire ¢ÜIt'll be a devil in me,or is this the way love's supposed to be? -Make it a foursome? Sure.
¢ÜI can't keep from crying, it's tearing me apart ¢ÜWhenever he calls my name so slow, sweet and plain Is something the matter? No.
It's just, seeing you dance might arouse me to the point where I can't control myself, and I'll explode right there on the floor and go, "Ooh, ooh" with no cricket to drown me out.
How dare you mimic the sound I make in bed? Do you want to know what you sound like? -Uh, I do.
-Richard! -Go away! -Let's go.
I, I was just sharing with Richard.
I wasn't disparaging you.
Ooh, ooh? N-no, but no.
Richard was, was telling me about his problems with Ling, and, and men, sometimes they share secrets about And, but he, no, he's my best friend.
Look.
I, I don't want him to be your best friend, okay? John, and I, and I certainly don't want you telling him secrets about our intimacy! Look.
You know, I, I, I need some space tonight.
I'm going home.
Coming? She's in need.
Krispy Kreme The thing is, women talk.
But they don't like it when men talk.
Don't feel bad, John.
At least you know she's serious about you.
Well, how so? She's starting to dictate who you can have for friends.
Does you wife do that? Oh boy.
Would she object to your saying what? Probably.
She objects to everything.
Ah.
Well, that would explain her current expression.
Georgia I'm going to find Richard.
You want me to leave you.
I beg your pardon? When you do go for therapy, your shrink is probably going to tell you this is about you not liking your life.
Then, third or fourth session, he'll crunch it to your not liking your marriage.
And when he or she figures out, you are too nice a guy to ever leave your wife.
He'll realize that you are doing all this to get her to leave you.
Georgia, that's ridiculous.
I love you.
Yeah.
Loving somebody, that doesn't mean that you just get over the pain and the distrust.
But, Risa, you did the same thing I did.
And it was wrong.
It was also meaningless.
And you think mine was it? I don't even know her.
Did you think it had meaning? The way she talked about it.
Yeah, yeah, sure, it, it was great sex.
-B-but that's all it was -Come on! -You don't make love like that! -Ally! -Ally! -Okay.
You're right.
You're right.
Well, maybe you and she ought to get married.
You think about that, Joel? Risa, she's not the mother of my children.
Then, tell me this.
When I had my little bachelorette fling, it was purely physical.
The man didn't even have a face to me.
Did she have a face? I won't lie, Risa.
She had a face.
And thethe truth isand thetruth is, before you got here tonight Windpipe.
Sorry.
Uh, Joel, can I speak to you for a second? -Ally! -What? Ally! Oh, it'll take one second.
What's a lousy second when they have a whole lifetime together? Are you about to tell her what we just did? I don't know.
I just feel I should be honest.
That honesty would be the end of it, Joel.
Trust me, as a woman.
If she hears that it happened again, it's over.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Okay.
No.
Just, uh, one, one, um more thing.
At the risk of losing a million-plus dollars and having to work the rest of my life out of bankruptcy: Are, are you sure that you and me, well, you know, aren't, uh, right forOh, god.
Ally, you're a lawyer, I'm a manager at a car wash.
Well, that doesn't mean.
I mean, we seem pretty compatible.
Yeah, physically.
I didn't even go to college.
I, I was justI mean, are you sure that it isn't worth seeing if? Well, we were so compatible, Joel.
Ally, I really do love her.
Okay, okay okay.
We should go back.
Yeah.
Uh, just, just one, one last kiss.
Sorry.
No.
That's okay.
Just, just hold on.
-Ally! -Sorry Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You know, you, you go, and, and I'll wait for you Stop it! I said every plaintiff has a duty, I mean, just like, you know, this to do what he's supposed to do.
Oh, on your third drink already.
Well, hello.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Uh, I was just about to leave, but well, I guess maybe I could stick around and not drink one more.
My treat.
What uh, uh, what brings you here on a Friday night? Maybe the same as you.
I came to sit next to something I know I can't really have.
My name is Georgia.
That's a beautiful name, Georgia.
Mine's George.
George, you'll note my wedding ring is on.
I don't want you to get any wrong ideas if I buy you a drink.
Well, I'm old enough to be your father.
So, if I were going to make a move on you, it'd take the form of a lecture.
If it made sense, I'd accept a lecture.
Okay.
Uh pick a topic.
I'm very well-versed.
Actually I'd like to dance.
A dance I could accommodate.
We're just glad things worked out.
Thank you.
I know you are.
Yes.
Goodbye, Ally.
I hope to never see you again.
Yeah.
Uh, have a great life, Risa.
Bye.
Goodbye.
-Hey.
-Whip, hey.
You didn't come to my office this morning looking for Ally, did you? I miss you, too.
I adore Ling.
You know, sometimes You know, many women have looked me in the eye and said, "Richard, the problem with you is there's no there there.
" Ling is the first to say it referring to my penis.
She has no idea how to nurture you.
Where is she now? Uh she's with Nelle.
Nelle's upset about something.
So she, uh, she's uh, with her.
And you're upset about something.
Why isn't she with you? Uh, we settled Ally's case.
Oh, yeah! Come on down to the bar with us.
I'll buy you a drink.
You're a great lady, Whipper.
I'm sorry I never said that enough.
Do you ever miss it? -What? -You know ? Oh, goood! It's even more creased than before! Go to it! Uh, no no no no, I can't, I, uh, you know, I can't, I can't Richarrrd, go to my wattle.
It's wrong.
Yes, it is.
It would be very bad.
Are you a bad boy? No.
You look like a bad, bad boy Bad boy Richard Richard ¢ÜLove will abide, take things in stride ¢ÜSounds like good advice, but there's no one at my side ¢ÜAnd time washes clean love's wounds unseen ¢ÜThat's what someone told me, but I don't know what it means ¢Ü'Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine ¢ÜAnd I think I'm gonna love you for a long, long time