American Housewife (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

1 Franklin and I have a big announcement.
We've decided to run for president and vice president of our class.
Oh, thank goodness.
I thought you were gonna say we were engaged.
Oh, Franklin.
Your bone-dry sense of humor makes you the perfect running mate.
That and I'm counting on you to pull in the peanut-allergy vote.
Taking a leadership role at school is a great idea.
Do you know who you're running against yet? So, far, it's just Todd and Mia Anderson.
But I'm sure a few others will throw their hats in the ring.
I can't wear hats.
My mom said my head shape and size is unidentifiable.
Drink this, Franklin.
You start talking nonsense when your blood sugar's low.
We're so proud of you, Anna-Kat.
You're gonna do great, honey.
She's gonna get killed in the election.
Hell, I'd even vote for Todd and Mia.
I know.
They're friends with everyone.
And she's friends with Franklin.
She has been doing so well lately, and her OCD is really improving.
If she loses this election, she could backslide.
Well, we can't tell her not to run for president.
Of course we can.
Kids are clay, Greg.
It's our job to shape them.
Just like I shaped you.
- What'd you say? - Nothing.
Did you know my uncle was my dad and my dad is my brother? I didn't either until yesterday.
Drink your juice.
Anna-Kat, while Dad and I think that it's great that you want to run for class president, the fact is that president is a terrible job.
- It is? - Mm-hmm.
Maybe there's another office you can run for.
Hmm.
I could run for hall monitor.
Mnh-mnh.
No way.
I'm not raisin' no rat.
There's also Green Chair, the student head of class recycling.
Yes! And since I'm head of the school recycling committee we can get matching reflector vests and pick up garbage together at night, like superheroes.
No superheroes pick up garbage at night.
Yes, they do.
Just don't talk about it.
Before I agree to this Anna-Kat, who is running for Green Chair? No one.
Anna-Kat for Green Chair! Sorry, Franklin, I don't need a running mate anymore.
Green Chair is a single-seat office.
Plus, it probably wasn't the best idea to bring work home with us, anyway.
Who's a good boy? You're a good boy.
Oh, hey, Trip.
Taylor's not home yet.
Yeah, I'm meeting her when she gets back from drama club rehearsal.
Oh, aren't you the good boyfriend.
Look at the ball! Look at the ball.
Look at the ball.
Look at the ball.
Look at the ball.
Good boy.
Watch the ball.
Watch the ball.
Watch the ball.
Here's the ball.
Here's the ball.
Okay, go get it! So fun.
Okay, well - Mom, can you sign this? - Mm? It's a permission slip to apply for a dance scholarship to Deervale Academy.
Isn't Deervale a boarding school? - Like, where you go to live? - That's correct.
If I go there, I'm a shoo-in to get into Harvard.
I'm not sending you to boarding school.
We're not rich idiots who just throw money at people to raise their stupid kids.
We are good middle-class parents.
We raise our own stupid kids.
But aren't you burned out on parenting? Judging by your appearance, you seem very burned out.
I am.
But we still need the next four years to shape you into being a halfway-decent, non-sucky human being.
Don't I get a say in what I want to do? Hold on a second.
I'm recording this.
Ask me that again.
Forget it.
Hey, guys.
Dad, this is Pierce.
We're in the musical together.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Uh, maybe we've already met.
Uh, perhaps you caught me last summer at the Westport Playhouse, where I was the lead in "Phantom of the Opera.
" I was also in a commercial for Gary's Sporting Goods.
I played Boy Excited About His Backpack.
Ah, okay.
You guys are doing "Little Shop of Horrors," right? Yeah, Pierce plays Seymour.
And he's been sweet to rehearse so much with me, even though I'm just in the chorus.
I'm not being sweet.
I mean, Taylor's amazing.
She's got a beautiful voice to match her beautiful face.
My God, Pierce, stop it.
Uh, Pierce, have you met Trip, Taylor's serious boyfriend? Yeah, yeah, we've seen each other around.
Everyone nominated for "Best Eyes" knows each other.
Trip, I-I know we said we'd hang out today, but Pierce said he would help me rehearse this afternoon.
Oh, that's cool.
I'll hang here until you guys are done.
Your dad and I are playing some catch.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Trip, what do you know about this guy Pierce? Ooh, he was in "Memento.
" He was good in that.
No, Pierce, who was just here.
Do you think he was maybe a little touchy-feely with Taylor? Nah, he seems like a good dude.
Ah, you're probably right.
Here you go, boy.
Ah, sorry, Mr.
A.
I wasn't ready for that.
The dog ate it.
- Guess what.
- Hm? I'm not running unopposed for Green Chair anymore.
Oh, really? Who's running against you? Penny Brown Mueller-Lawton.
I wonder why Penny would run for Green Chair so late in the race.
I might know why.
I'll have, uh Katie, please leave some pastries for the rest of us.
At least I know my bran muffin is safe.
It's the only thing here without frosting.
One bran muffin, please.
That was supposed to keep me regular.
I'll never poop again.
Chloe is obviously making Penny run against Anna-Kat to get back at me.
Penny will definitely beat her and ruin our plans to give Anna-Kat the win.
You need to apologize to Chloe.
Or break into her house and shave her eyebrows while she's sleeping, then tattoo caterpillars where they used to be.
Fine.
Is it okay if I use my employee discount to buy this bracelet? Oh, that bracelet is absolutely gorgeous.
- Mm.
- But it looks so bad on you.
Take it off.
I hate it now! I'm taking that out of your paycheck.
Chloe.
Katie.
Look, I know what I did at Stewart and Kingston's - was childish.
- Yes, it was.
But by any chance, did you make Penny run against Anna-Kat as retaliation? I sure did.
- Hmm.
Respect the pettiness.
- Mm.
I came here to appeal to you, mother to mother.
Would you consider pulling Penny from the election? Anna-Kat really needs this win.
Please.
Maria.
Please slap that muffin from Katie's hand.
- I really don't want to - Maria! I'm so sorry.
Penny's staying in the race.
And not only is she gonna beat Anna-Kat, she's gonna destroy her.
Landslide, bitch! - Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, get ready for a fight, because Anna-Kat is gonna treat Penny the way you treat Maria.
How dare you! Maria, eat that muffin off the floor! Don't worry, Anna-Kat.
Mama is gonna help you win Green Chair and take those Brown Mueller hags down.
Honey, this is a school election between Anna-Kat and Penny.
- Don't make it about you and Chloe.
- It's both, Greg.
This is what happens when you have an enemy.
The hate spreads like a bumpy, itchy, leaky rash.
What kind of rashes do you get, Mama? Anna-Kat, if you want to win this election, you have got to make Penny your enemy, just like Chloe is my enemy.
There's gotta be another way of doing this, Katie.
I like Penny.
She's my friend.
Penny is trying to take something from you.
So now she's your enemy.
That doesn't feel right to me.
It's okay.
Feels right to me.
My mom refuses to sign the application form so I can apply to boarding school.
How am I gonna get her to change her mind? Why don't you make yourself unbearable so they'll be happy to get rid of you? I don't know.
I feel like I'm already pretty unbearable.
Yeah, but you could do better.
And I could come with you to boarding school.
It's a dance academy.
You don't dance.
They'll let me in.
I'm rich.
I don't have to do any of this.
Anna-Kat Otto for Green Chair.
Earth donut hole.
Anna-Kat Otto for Green Chair.
Earth donut hole.
Anna-Kat Otto for Green Chair.
Earth donut hole.
Donut holes suck! Earth crepes for everyone! Bon appétit! Whoo! They stole my happy-face Earth campaign symbol! Yeah, that's what Chloe does.
She takes something that someone else has made great and makes it suck.
She's like a one-woman Pentatonix.
Speaking of Green Chair, you know what else is green? Money! Whoo! Vote Penny Brown Mueller-Lawton! Oliver, are you really betraying Anna-Kat like this? Crepes and money, sister two things I can't resist.
Dude, good job.
You were awful.
What? I haven't started yet.
I was just being regular me.
And since it's my fault that Penny is running for Green Chair, I have to help Anna-Kat win.
But I can't compete with Chloe's deep pockets.
Katie, when I used to be a corporate fixer and was working with someone who couldn't outspend the other - Mm-hmm? - I would just have to destroy them.
Okay, wait a minute.
How does Anna-Kat feel about all this? There.
Now people have to stop saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question.
" Well, there's nothing wrong with taking your child's feelings into account.
Oh, we're gonna have to call the "There's no bad ideas" people, too! Keep talking, little woman.
Keep talking.
Anna-Kat is going to feel great when she has that win under her belt.
But how do I destroy Chloe and her adorable daughter? Simple.
When they spend high, you go low.
Full-on smear campaign.
Sling some mud.
How much mud could you possibly drudge up on a 9-year-old? Yeah.
We're gonna have to make some stuff up.
Wussy McFeelings is right.
One more word.
Say one more word, and we're gonna go.
Yeah.
I can take her, right? Mnh-mnh.
She'd squeeze your insides out like you were a Go-GURT.
Love that shirt.
Mm-hmm.
With sweet understanding Sweet understanding With sweet understanding Sweet understanding Sweet understanding Seymour's your man Hey, guys.
Whatcha doin'? Uh, we're rehearsing, Dad.
And afterwards, we're gonna do a couple acting exercises, like a stretch and share.
You stretch and you share something intimate about yourself.
I'm often compared to a young Paul Newman, and I always say "Thank you," but I have no idea who that is.
Cool.
Hey, Taylor, where's your gorgeous, well-bodied boyfriend, Trip? He's coming over tonight.
Great.
Can't wait to see him.
Love that kid.
Okay, Dad, see ya later.
I think I'll do a stretch and share.
I have a collection of Revolutionary sabres that hunger to be unsheathed.
Okay, that was good.
That was good.
But next time, try it from your diaphragm.
A.
B.
P.
Always be projecting.
I have a collection of Revolutionary sabres that hunger to be unsheathed.
- Hear it? - Yeah.
- Great.
- That was better.
Why are you drawing a dinosaur? All I can draw are dinosaurs.
Oh, Franklin, what am I going to do with you? Just love you, I guess.
Oh, those look great, Anna-Kat.
We're throwing them out.
They're too nice.
We need to go low.
Smear campaign is in full effect.
Against a 9-year-old? It's really a smear campaign against Chloe through a 9-year-old.
That makes it better.
Well, that's ridiculous.
The kid you should really be concerned about is Pierce.
I think he's trying to steal Taylor away from Trip.
Mnh-mnh.
Don't get involved.
But you're getting involved with the Anna-Kat thing.
I know, but Anna-Kat is an adorable, helpless little angel.
So is Trip! He can't see what's happening.
He's just like Luthor.
If left to his own devices, Trip would eat chocolate until he died.
Well, Greg, it looks like you have a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" situation.
If you think Pierce is moving in on Taylor, then you need to keep Pierce close.
Watch him, and when he slips up, expose him.
- That's good.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll invite him to dinner.
Then, when he's comfortable, I'll say, "Pierce, do you want some potatoes? Corn? Taylor?" - See if he takes the bait.
- Yeah.
And when I finish, my mom picks me up out of my crib, and she says, "We're gonna get you an agent, honey.
" If you're the lead in the musical, why are you spending so much time rehearsing with someone - who's just in the chorus? - Dad! I just like singing with Taylor.
She's really good.
Is she, Pierce? Is she? 'Cause I got ears, and I ain't hearing it.
Dinner's delicious, Mrs.
Otto.
Thank you, Cooper.
Cooper, you don't have to say that.
Especially when it's not true.
Dinner's gross, per usual, and I'd like to apologize for this food and this house and my mom's taste in men.
Oliver, I don't know what's gotten into gotten into me, but I'm thinking about buying some whimsical socks that make me smile when I open up the drawer.
Well, I happen to think dinner is terrific.
Thank you, Mrs.
Otto.
I couldn't eat another bite.
You know who could eat another bite? Trip.
He could eat all the bites.
Okay, Pierce, let's go upstairs and run lines.
I bet Chloe Brown Mueller makes a nice dinner for her family.
I wish she was my mother.
What kind of son are you? All this woman does is cook for you and care for you, and you disrespect her like this? I would cast him out.
It's the only way he's going to learn, Mrs.
Otto! The only way.
I know what you two idiots are up to.
Well, guess what.
I'm not signing any paper to any boarding school, no matter how obnoxious you act.
Oliver, for the last time, you're not going anywhere.
Don't you want Oliver to be the best Oliver he can be? Cooper, don't you have five homes? Seven.
One on each continent.
Go to one of them.
- You're ruining my life.
- Meh.
But tomorrow, we start ruining Penny's life.
Hold on.
Could we back up a minute? You have a house in Antarctica? You ever see "March of the Penguins"? They marched right by our place.
Oh.
Oh! - Ew.
Is that fur? - No way.
Oh! Oh, no! - Come on! - No! Freeze! My office.
Now.
Oh! Oh! Ladies, things have clearly gotten way out of hand with this Green Chair election.
So, in lieu of Franklin, do you know why you're here? No.
Fair enough.
As I was saying, in lieu of a better solution, I'm going to get rid of the Green Chair position.
Principal Ablin, I understand that you're just trying to do damage control here, but it's not fair to punish the girls for the bad decisions made by their mothers.
Yeah, this is all Katie's fault.
She threw away my bran muffin.
Well, I guess we can say that you two are a couple of bad moms.
Did you happen to see that movie? I caught it on a flight.
Delightful.
Principal Ablin, what's really not fair is that we're damaging the Earth just because my mom and Mrs.
Brown Mueller are enemies.
The Earth has enough enemies pollution, plastic.
It needs all the help it can get.
So, if you agree to keep Green Chair, then Penny can have it.
Are you sure you want to just give the position to Penny? Yes.
Anna-Kat, that is a very diplomatic and selfless thing to do.
I'll accept your proposal.
I have an idea.
Let's do it together.
We can be like Green Co-Chairs! Don't be insane! You don't have to share your title.
What has she ever given you? Lice? No.
That was me.
Ugh.
You're weird.
Penny, I know where this kindness nonsense is coming from.
I should have never let you give that homeless person a granola bar.
One thing today proved is that, no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to turn Anna-Kat into a bad person.
She is who she is.
Oliver's a pain in the butt, - but he sure is driven.
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe not signing that form is us just getting in the way of Oliver becoming who he really is.
Why is he all alone? I think we're super late picking him up.
We're not the best parents.
He's probably hungry.
Did you bring him a snack? I did, but I ate it.
Oliver, I need to say something to you.
I know you ate my post-ballet, pre-dinner snack again.
I make no apologies for that.
If Deervale is something that you really want and ballet is something that you really enjoy, then we need to let you be who you are and not who we want you to be.
I signed your permission slip.
Thanks.
And the biggest reason I don't want you to go away to school is because I'd miss you so much, and I am not ready to let go of any of my babies just yet.
Even though I'm unbearable? When you do go, that'll certainly take the sting out of it.
Honey, we need to talk.
I am sorry for the mess that I made of the Green Chair election.
I just wanted you to win so badly, I made it all about my rivalry with Chloe Brown Mueller.
It's okay, Mama.
I know you were just looking out for me, in your own weird way.
That's right.
And the best part is, you got the win all by yourself.
I guess you don't need enemies to motivate you, like your mom.
But to be clear, just because you and Penny are not enemies doesn't mean I won't be archenemies with her mommy.
You are who you are, Mama a very scary person who I'm glad is on my side.
Watch this.
This time, I'm gonna catch it in the air.
Okay.
Uh, hey, Mr.
A, I gotta bail.
I told Pierce I'd grab some food with him.
Later! Bye, Mrs.
A.
It's not the same.
Where is he going? He's going to hang out with Pierce.
I guess I was wrong about him.
He's not trying to steal Taylor away.
He just wants to hang out with Trip.
- Interesting.
- What? You were right about Pierce.
He is trying to break up Taylor and Trip.
How? Pierce is keeping Trip, his enemy, close.
And when the time is right, he's gonna swoop in and steal Taylor from him.
I knew it.
This Pierce kid is a real snake in the grass.
I'm a fan.