Another Period (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

1 Cumulostratus cloud cover moving in.
Barometric readings indicate a rising tropopause.
In anticipation of a visit from the president of the Royal Meteorological Society, I have completed construction on a state-of-the-art instrument that will harness the energy of the weather itself.
I am just so excited to be inducted as an official Thunder Queen of the RMS.
Oh, uh, only lead researchers on a project get inducted.
I'm going to be inducted? No, I am! This is my experiment.
Abortion Deb, you did draw up the schematics.
I designed the equipment and did all the math.
And I paid the $6 application fee.
Which is why I will be supervising the event from a safe distance, preparing for my new title A scheming bitch? Conduct the experiment yourself since you're the lead researcher.
- Hmpf! - Abortion Deb, Cornetta? Girls? Come back! I can't do this without you! Who will hold my poles? Are you almost done with this room? Mayor Cutie wants to take a shit in here.
Sisters.
I have a rare opportunity for you.
Ooh! Invitations to your second funeral? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Imagine the chance to participate in an experiment that will change forever the way we look at weather.
Hortense, apart from the civil rights of poor people, there's nothing more boring than the weather.
Ugh.
I certainly hope you're joking.
[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC.]
For the weather Is my life.
I am Juan Pablo El Castillo, and I have come all the way from Barcelona to meet Hortense.
And to make love to her mind.
Hello, Doctor.
I love the weather! Me too! Except for rain.
And snow.
And gentle breezes.
Yes, uh, we like our breezes rough.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
I want the money, I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine, I got to get it I got to get it, got, got to get it "Another Period" Know what I mean? Know what I mean? You got to know what I mean [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Madam, you've hardly touched your dessert pillars.
Is the croquembouche not towered to your liking? We could add a spire of plum butter to the summit if you prefer.
No, it's not the pillars.
It's just that life has become less sunny since I've discontinued my morphine use.
My God, Madam, I'll inject you straight away.
No, Peepers.
I think not being on morphine is ultimately better for me than being on morphine.
Well, I'm not a doctor, but that sounds like a load of piffle.
I need something to invigorate the spirit.
Some adventure.
Perhaps something involving the great outdoors.
Oh, no, Madam.
At your age, even the lesser outdoors could kill you.
[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING.]
I have an idea.
A pleasure cruise.
Well, if I can't get high, at least I can get on the high seas! [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
I'm sure you get this all the time, but what is rain? When water condenses in the atmosphere What language are you speaking? I can't believe it's finally happening.
Sex with a Spanish male has been atop both of our bucket lists for years.
It's the only thing our lists have in common.
Mine mostly involves technology that hasn't been invented yet, like a mechanical Beatrice.
Mine is to figure out what a bucket is.
[HORTENSE CLEARS THROAT.]
The goal of my experiment is to attract lightning, and then use the energy as a controlled force.
At least there's something out there we can control.
Ladies.
A storm is like a bull wild and unpredictable.
But like a bull, it can be tamed.
Oh, you can tame me if you pull my hair.
Me too! Also, it helps if you call me chambermaid while you pull.
This part's fake.
Yes, and Juan Pablo, as every matador knows, to truly dominate the bull, one must be safe.
That is completely wrong.
- What? - You must be a risk taker.
Yes, well, no disrespect, but what do you know - about bullfighting? - I'm Spanish.
And a professional bullfighter.
And I published a book called "How the Weather Is Like a Bull.
" [BOTH SIGHING.]
It sold 1 million copies.
Yes, well, off to the woods.
Let's just hope no one gets killed.
[SHIP HORN BLARING.]
[BELL DINGING.]
I've never been so excited.
Lady Dodo and myself, all alone for a whole day.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
Well, Lady Dodo, myself, and the captain.
And the deckhands.
And the chef.
And the other guests, and their staffs.
The orchestra, and the electro-technical officer, and the boatswain, and the able seamen, and the ordinary seamen.
But other than that Alone.
This is your cabin, Madam.
One canopy bed, Captain? I suppose I'll be sleeping where I nap like a commoner.
And through here are quarters for your man.
[GASPS.]
My own cot? Is this a pleasure cruise, or a paradise cruise? Now, sir, if you must pass water, you may do so over the side of the ship.
If you have to defecate, you must hold it.
My good man, I always hold it.
The fresh air, the open sea.
We're really roughing it now, Peepers! Not I, Madam.
I fear I may grow spoiled with these lavish accommodations.
[THUNDER BOOMING.]
[THUNDER BOOMING.]
Where is your rain gear? - This is my rain gear.
- I'm not wearing rain gear.
- I'm trying to [BLEEP.]
.
- I need you focused! These two rods will harness the energy of the lightning.
If they are not firmly in the ground, someone could be electrocuted.
Now hold your poles in place, and don't screw this up! Biblioteca Gracias is mine.
He's hot-blooded.
He's not interested in your anemic beauty.
- Can't we both have him? - Of course not! Here's how it goes.
I say what I want, and you acquiesce to my demands.
- [GASPS.]
- He's mine, say it! - He's mine! - He's mine! He's mine! He's mine! [YELLING.]
- Ow! - [GRUNTS.]
[BOTH YELLING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
He's on my bucket list! My bucket list! [GAGGING.]
[COUGHING.]
[GRUNTS.]
No, no, no, no! Don't cross the lightning rods! Are you insane? You'll both be electrocuted.
- [GRUNTS.]
- No! Give it! Ladies, please - [GRUNTS.]
- Stop! Give.
Me.
That.
- Pole! - [SCREAMS.]
[BOTH GASPING.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! We've killed him.
And against all odds, it had nothing to do with the weather! [GASPING.]
[LADIES LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
I think I'm I'm actually I'm actually okay.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
[LIGHTNING ZAPPING.]
[SCREAMING.]
What does "okay" mean in English? [CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
And if we are very lucky, we may even see whales.
Majestic, clever creatures, whales.
With emotions and language.
Complex social ties.
As God as my witness, nothing feels better than killing a whale.
Harpoons will be available on all decks.
[THUNDER BOOMING.]
[EERIE MUSIC.]
Sweet merciful Poseidon.
A sea twister.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
Everyone, return to your cabins at once.
What about the lifeboats? Do you have any idea what happens to a 12-foot boat when it's crushed by a 30-foot wave? - Well, of course not.
- No one does! No one's ever lived through it.
We are not long for this world.
- [THUNDER BOOMING.]
- Now [PLATE SHATTERS.]
Panic! [ALL SCREAMING.]
We must get you to safety! - Oh.
- This way! This way, quickly.
Quickly! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We killed him.
My science killed him.
What are we going to do? I had a story like this read to me once! It was called "Slipper Beauty," and it says to tongue him till he comes back to life.
You don't tell me twice.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
[MOANING.]
Well, you must not be his true love because he's not coming back to life.
- No! - You're not doing it right! Get off! [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[MOANS.]
- I want - [GROANS.]
[BOTH STRAINING.]
No, no! Stop it! Stop it! [BOTH GROANING.]
We need a real plan! Ooh, Hortense, taking it all the way.
- Impressive.
- No! I am just trying to pick him up.
- But he's stiff.
- That makes two of us.
What are we going to do? We'll probably go to prison for life.
Of course, a rich person's prison is better than the most extravagant poor person's vacation, but still.
We have to get rid of the body.
[THUNDER BOOMS.]
[CLANGING AND CLINKING.]
- Oh! - Whoa! Oh, Peepers.
[SOBS.]
I don't want to die.
I'm frightened.
- Hold me? - Anything for you, Lady Dodo.
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
Hamish, we saw a gopher in the raspberry bushes.
Got it.
- Where's the corpse? - In the woods.
By the servant burial heap.
- Hmm.
- You've done this before? Of course.
What else did you think I did around here? You've done this before? What's that now? Could you just make it look like an accident? No, I'm going to make it look like an intentional homicide and leave a trail of clues all leading back to you.
Of course I'm going to make it look like an accident, you dumb ox! Now act like you've done this before.
I haven't! Any more notes from the expert, then, before I go out there and clean up your stupid mess? Just get rid of him! I'll pay your standard rate in the morning.
You have done this before! What's that now? Get the [BLEEP.]
out of my shed.
[THUNDER BOOMING.]
[SOBS.]
Hold me closer.
Yes, Madam.
[WHIMPERING.]
Now kiss me.
What? [THUNDER BOOMING.]
Kiss me, damn you.
Madam [STAMMERS.]
[GASPS.]
Take me, Peepers! How would you like to be taken, Madam? Any way! Every way! Just tell me what to do.
Me tell you what to do? Madam, I cannot.
I'm ordering you to order me.
[GASPING.]
- Lady Dodo - Yes? Get that ass in the air.
[GASPS.]
Say those words to me Just say you love me Oh, honey, won't you say Just say you love me I needed you Just say you love me Oh, honey, won't you say Just say you love me Oh, come on, won't you say Ooh [THUNDER RUMBLING.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
Dodo, I'm bleeding.
[GASPS.]
Peepers.
- Don't tell me - Yes.
It was my first time.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[YELLING.]
[CRYING.]
[WAILING.]
What's wrong? What's wrong? I forgot my dream.
Don't you hate it when that happens? There's something in your bed, sir.
[SHRILL YELLING.]
I'll get the police! I'll get the police! Frederick, you old dog.
[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING.]
Good morning.
- We're alive? - Yes! The storm veered off course at the last moment.
But the captain said that the ship was breaking apart.
Yes, I'm told he always says that, but [SMACKS LIPS.]
We are safe and sound.
Speaking of which, you made a sound that was positively jaguar-ian last night.
[GROWLS.]
Well, now I thought we could start the day with a bit of shuffleboard, and then begin our lives as we've always dreamt: together.
Together? Yes! Just as we said we would whilst in the throes of lovemaking and believing we were about to die.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay, sweet Frederick.
We'll be asking you a few questions, won't we? And remember to be honest, as lies bring cries to the baby Jesus' eyes.
You killed the foreign fella, didn't you, Frederick? What? No.
Don't play dumb with us, you pockmarked son of a bitch.
Ya murdered him.
Right did.
Can I have some Turkish delight? Of course, child.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Stop! First, we're gonna need you to draw how you killed the man on that sheet of paper.
Aye, a hand drawn picture is always the crown jewel of a coerced confession.
Fine.
Okay, okay.
This is where I shot the man.
And then I smashed his legs with a hammer.
No.
No! No, stop it! Put the candy down.
Listen, that man was smashed about the head.
So you need to draw a lead pipe smashing his head.
All done.
Very good, Mr.
Vice President.
Yes, sir, enjoy the candy, okay.
Now draw me a naked lady.
That'll be nice for later.
Give her a penis.
Prove it, babe Prove it, baby Why would that idiot Hamish put Juan Pablo in Frederick's bed? I know.
That's my favorite place to sleep.
Are we really going to do this to our brother? Wait, that's our brother? Sorry, I'm really bad with faces.
Yes.
What? I'm an asshole when I'm nervous.
You must be nervous a lot! And you.
You're really going to do this to Frederick? Normally I'd say no, but he sent me to a nunnery, so having him hang for a murder he didn't commit - only seems fair.
- Someone's going to jail for this body, and it's not going to be me.
Surely they're going to find us out.
- Should I burn my clothes? - You know, that's probably a good idea from a fashion perspective.
Your clothes look so bad when you're wearing them.
- Please do.
- Really.
You just dress terribly.
Burn everything now.
Your face matches your little lace thing, and it feels like you kind of, like, threw up lace, and then you just left it there, and then you're, like [RETCHING.]
All the way down, and you're, like, "This is my wardrobe forever.
" Commit suicide.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Well, I was thinking we should probably keep our love secret at first, at least until you've told the girls, and in time, I hope they can come to think of me as their father.
As for the house, I will continue to run it.
Naturally, we'll need to find a new butler eventually.
As for the wedding, I think we should keep it simple.
Elegant, of course.
I was thinking an "Arabian Nights" theme.
Peepers, we need to talk.
Oh, I could talk the day away with you, my darling.
People say things when they're about to die.
I'm certain you also said things you didn't mean, and I think maybe it's best if we just kept things casual.
[GASPS.]
Casual? Yes! - Yes, of course! - Ah.
Casual.
What is a butler, if not casual? Think of it, a butler marrying his mistress.
- Absurd.
- Ooh! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I'm back.
How are my angels and Hortense? [OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION.]
Mother! You'll never guess what happened.
I killed a man with a lead pipe, and then we slept together.
We've got the confession right here.
- I can't - Shh, shh.
Frederick, did you kill anybody? - No.
- I need to know the truth.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? I didn't do it.
Well, then why did you say all of the things? How did you come up with it? - Guessing.
- What do you mean guessing? I guessed.
Frederick, that's not something to guess about.
Buenos días.
[ALL SHRIEKING.]
Am I wet here? I'm wet here.
Did no one check his pulse? No, I did.
I told his heart beat once for alive, and twice for dead, and it did twice.
[GASPING.]
Wait, now I'm confused.
Did I kill him or not? Someone tell me! [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
Oh, how was the cruise? Wonderful.
Thank you, Garfield.
Oh, that's good.
[CHUCKLES.]
Actually, it wasn't wonderful.
Oh? I met a lady.
Oh, what a lady.
I grew enamored with her.
Bewitched.
And I thought she was enamored with me, but it turns out my feelings for her were just mirages.
What shall I do? Shall I chase after her like a hound chasing a fox, or does one have pride and wait upon one's roost, like the cock crowing at the morn? I've never been anything but there for her, you know? And now she just treats me as if I am just somebody that she used to know.
Somebody.
Well, your problem is that you're looking for comfort and support in the arms of a woman.
That's like going to the latrine for drinking water.
It might quench your thirst, but you'll end up with listeria.
The thing to do is move on.
But how do I do that, sir, when she's right When she's right Oh-ho-ho! There you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
- I'm here.
- Doctor.
Prepare me something so that I shan't feel my face.
- Allow me, Madam.
- Oh.
No, no, no.
I don't need you, Peepers.
You know, I I'm thinking of it, and perhaps you should try a melon.
You know, the simplest relationship I ever had was with a cantaloupe named Luther.
You wanted to see me, sir? Come in.
Come in.
Well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it.
I'm leaving Bellacourt.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Another harbor cruise? No! This time, I'm leaving for good.
But but - But why? - Never mind why, - you impudent bug! - Oh.
You are the head butler now.
[SNIFFLES.]
No.
Responsibilities of the great house have fallen upon your shoulders.
- [GASPS.]
- May you join the top stair of the downstair life.
Ah, your lapel! Yes, my lapel.
[CRIES.]
I've ripped it as sign to signify the end of my tenure here in Bellacourt.
And now your tenure begins, boy.
Remember what I told you.
Dead eyes.
Dead eye.
That's it.
- You're ready.
- I'm your, just my old friend.
No tears.
Dead eyes.
Dead eyes, dead heart.
Now there's silver to be polished.
Go ahead, buttle boy.
You're the head butler now.
I'm the head butler now? I'm the head butler now.
Dead eyes, old boy.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]