Baskets (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

1 MRS.
BASKETS: Well, what do you think of these two, which one? I think the more expensive one.
[CHUCKLES.]
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to upsell me.
- Good for you, Barb.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, Christine.
- Oh, Maggie, how are you? - Hi.
- Mwah.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey, Joan.
- MAGGIE: What're you doing here? Oh, I'm just getting this photo of Danielle Mana and I in the interview on TV framed.
Did you happen to see the interview? Oh, I'm sorry, my son deleted it before I got to see it.
He wanted to make room for his UFC fight.
[MAGGIE AND MRS.
BASKETS CHUCKLE.]
Joan? Oh, I don't watch television.
Oh, I don't know how you do it because I love television.
I've got to have that thing on 24/7.
I love the patter.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- MRS.
BASKETS: Oh, God.
What are you ladies doing here? Oh, just to get this framed.
We went to "Jazz Under The Stars" at the California Living Museum.
- Yeah.
- The museum features plants and animals - centric to Kern County.
- Does it? Yeah.
Joan's a docent there, that's the reason we got comps.
Yeah, she sure is.
DALE: Mother.
Mom, are you okay? Yeah.
- Uh, Backyard Banking.
- Yeah.
Backyard Banking from the Bank of Bakersfield.
So, let's pass these out.
These are our check cards.
I need you to sign the back of these, if you don't mind, Mom and Chip.
Oh, it's uh oh, it's my own credit card.
Yeah.
You just make a purchase and ding, ding, ding, it shows up right there.
Banking's gone digital in the last few months.
- Where's my card? - No, you don't get a card.
I'd give Linda a card before I gave you one.
- Linda! [SIGHS.]
- [BLEATS.]
Okay, are we, are we done with the-the business part? I wanted to start the clown portion of the meeting.
Uh, I was thinking about doing kind of a a German piece with French clowns, but with a real San Joaquin Valley earthiness, uh, for a real American experience.
The only part of that speech I liked was the word "American.
" So, I don't know what you were talking about.
Uh, boys, can we put a pin in this? I've got a great idea.
You know, it's a special night at the rodeo.
Like "Jazz Under The Stars," but better, fancier, jazzier.
No cowboys.
No bulls.
[OVER PHONE.]
: Just class.
Well, that's fantastic, Christine.
I'd love to be there.
Oh, you can.
I'll fly you out.
Mm, no.
I can fly myself.
Oh, Ken, what's the use of having a business card if I can't put some expenses on it? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, well, let's make this a real business expense.
Do you need any, uh, carpeting for your special night? MRS.
BASKETS: [GASPS.]
What about a red carpet? Oh, this light is so long.
KEN: Say what? MRS.
BASKETS: Oh, this light is so long, Ken.
Geez Louise.
So what kind of night is this, Christine? What's fancier - than "Jazz Under The Stars"? - Hmm.
"Easy Listening Under the Rodeo Moon.
" [IMITATES SNORING.]
No offense, Ken, but that sounds like a snore.
Oh! I got it! Opera! [GROANS.]
A night of opera at the rodeo! Under The Stars.
- What? - You don't know opera? - Yeah, you mean like a soap opera? - MRS.
BASKETS: No, opera.
- Italian opera? Pavarotti? - Opera.
Not Oprah.
No, Oprah's with Weight Watchers now.
- Oh.
- MRS.
BASKETS: Mm-hmm.
Here.
Listen to this.
It's just beautiful.
["LIBIAMO NE' LIETI CALICI" BY GIUSEPPE VERDI PLAYING.]
Imagine that, people listening to the music, losing themselves.
Nobody's gonna appreciate that in Bakersfield.
Well, there's lots of sophisticated people here.
Well, the ilk that I run around with will certainly not appreciate it.
The elk you're running around with? Not "elk," Mom, "ilk.
" It's a word of the day that I learned.
Well, what do you think, Chip? Yeah, I could, uh, I could make sense of this.
I still want to work with the French clowns.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know.
Still also with the San Joaquin Valley earthiness.
I want to include that.
A what? Oh, oh, oh, a San Joaquin earthy thing.
- It sounds fantastic.
- DALE: Yeah.
MRS.
BASKETS: Well, it's settled.
"A Night at the Opera at the Rodeo Under the Stars.
" Hi, I'm throwing an opera and I need the classiest tables you have.
What's a pillar go for? Like, a ten-foot pillar.
Expiration? Zero, eight, 21.
You know, I want opera, like, you know, high notes, low notes, middle notes.
Hey, you know, the notes that can break a glass when you're holding it? I'm putting on an opera at a rodeo.
Can you believe it? [CHUCKLES.]
Mom, I invited some clowns I know from France who said they will do it for free.
But it might be expensive because of the plane tickets.
Well, put it on the credit card.
It's a business expense.
Yeah, I did already.
Okay.
MRS.
BASKETS: Hello, Popeyes? Could I get 18 buckets of shrimp? - I will bid - Hi.
I am here to present you with "A Night at the Opera.
" Oh, I love opera.
- At the rodeo.
- No.
What? - MRS.
BASKETS: That's right.
- Opera? - We're gonna have a real opera singer.
- Oh, my gosh.
I've got to go, I got a million things to do.
- [LAUGHING.]
: Oh, my God.
- Look at this.
- There's free lobster? - My God.
Lobster.
Password.
"WhatTheDale.
" "Over limit warning"? $761 for "miscellaneous staging"? $6,000 for airline tickets from France? Oh, God, that's got to be cancelled.
- - No, tha ow! Oh, hey, Linda? Linda, Linda, Linda, Linda, come on, come on, come on, on, on [GROANS.]
- [BLEATS.]
- Ah.
Sweetie, right there on my L4 and L5.
- [BLEATS.]
- That's the stuff, ah.
Oh.
That feels better.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
MRS.
BASKETS: Hey, stranger.
You need a ride? Well, if you could drop me by my girlfriend's house, - that'd be great.
- [LAUGHS.]
Get in, these guys'll give you a ticket if you slow down out here.
- Oh.
- Mwah.
So nice to see you.
Hey, I'm gonna pick up the French clowns.
They should be here pretty soon.
Thought I was gonna have you all to myself.
Oh, Ken, I've got a million things to do.
Got to pick up the velvet ropes.
I got to get these French clowns.
Hey, are you guys French clowns? I guess not.
Did you see anybody in there that had a funny nose or big feet? Maybe they're still inside.
You want me to go and check? - Oh, could you? You're so nice.
- Oh, stop.
You're already making my opening night jitters go away.
- [KEN CHUCKLES.]
- [RINGTONE PLAYS.]
DALE: Hello? - Dale? - DALE: Hello, Mother.
What time do the French clowns get in? Yeah, no, I cancelled those flights.
- It was too much money, Mom.
- What? I promised people French clowns.
You're spending too much money.
I mean, who's spending the All the money on this lumber? Somebody called about lumber? Well, that's for the stage.
I can't have the opera singers singing in dirt.
That's tacky.
Oh.
Have my pillars arrived? The pillars? Like, to sleep on? Oh, hold on.
I'm getting another call.
Oh, it's Chip.
Hold on, Dale, it's Chip.
- Hi, Chip.
- CHIP: Hey, Mom? There's an opera singer here to see you.
- Oh, good.
- And he needs to see you right away.
He said to get here A.
S.
A.
P.
Those are his words, not mine.
I wouldn't say that.
- I say "ASAP.
" - Oh, God.
I'm on my way.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Damn it, I always miss this light.
[SIGHING.]
: Oh, God, I'm gonna be late.
[GASPING.]
: Oh! Wow.
[OPERA SINGER SINGING.]
Dale canceled the French clowns? Dale said we were going over budget.
But don't worry you can work with their replacement.
This is Sleepy.
He's a sign spinner.
What? Chip, he's very agile.
You should see the flips he does.
- Right, Sleepy? - Yep.
- Do you even know the art of clowning? - Yep.
- Have you ever done it before? - Nope.
MRS.
BASKETS: Just work with him, Chip.
- Okay, Mom.
- It'll be great.
- Fine.
- Ah.
It's mesmerizing.
My boyfriend is gonna be so excited to see Oh, Ken! I left you at the airport.
MRS.
BASKETS: I have no excuse.
I'm so, so stupid.
I'm just a ditz.
One more minute, and I'd have been on my way back to Denver.
I'm sorry.
There's just so much to do on opening night Oh, my God, I got to get the velvet ropes.
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
Thank you, Ken, for helping me with the ropes.
No problem.
I think that's the last one.
Oh, no, there's lots more.
- What? - No.
- That's not it.
- Let me go ask somebody.
[RINGTONE PLAYING.]
Hi, Chip.
How's Sleepy? CHIP: Well, he wouldn't have been my first choice, but I guess I don't have a say in the matter.
We have a bigger problem.
Your tables and chairs have arrived, and your chairs are too high and the tables are too low.
It looks stupid.
Galdarnit.
I'll be right there.
Dale, I'm just pulling in to the rodeo.
Can you come and help me unload those VIP ropes? DALE: No, I cannot, Mama.
My back is killing me.
- Get Ken to help.
- Ken! [TIRES SCREECHING.]
MRS.
BASKETS: Hey, listen.
You sit tight, and I'll get someone to get all this stuff.
Okay.
- CHIP: Hey, Mom.
- Oh, Chip.
Sleepy and I wanted to, uh, show you Hey, the photographer! - CHIP: Yeah.
- Oh, hey! Uh, Sleepy and I want to show you our new act.
I can't wait.
Oh, I love pictures, don't you? - Yeah.
- Do a funny one with me.
[LAUGHS.]
- I love it.
- CHIP: You ready? - Yes.
Let's see the head act.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- I can't wait.
MRS.
BASKETS: Oh, what a day.
Get the accordion thing.
[SIGHS.]
It's getting better.
That's it? What is this? I'm kind of going for a Pagliacci-type thing, uh, mixed in with a San Joaquin Valley earthiness.
What? I like the sign spinning.
W-Where's the sign spinning, Sleazy? Well, this guy told me we're not corporate monkeys anymore.
CHIP: I [SIGHS.]
thought we were a team, Sneezy.
And by team, I'm your superior.
Aren't I Sneezy's superior, Mom? [SIGHS.]
Here's what we're gonna do.
You're gonna be out on stage, Sleazy.
- Sneezy.
- That's what I said.
You're gonna be with the opera singers, spinning your sign.
Chip, you're gonna be out in front of the house, welcoming our customers, checking their tickets.
Do you have any balloon animals? You know, maybe tie a balloon animal or something? Front of house? I'm not a people person, Mom.
It'll put them in the mood for a good time.
Okay? All right, thank you.
I've got to get the ropes out of the car.
Ken! Oh, God, I left him in the car.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- You want to do this again? - You know, just for fun? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
Yes.
[CHIP EXHALES.]
Well, those tables and chairs look tall and expensive.
What's this? Organic?! [QUIETLY.]
: Oh, my God, what? Excuse me? Hello.
I'm the general manager.
How much are those fireworks, may I ask? They're $500 each.
$500? God.
We should've gotten sparklers.
Sparklers would be fine.
Mom, $500 per firework? We can't put that on the cor [GRUNTS.]
We can't put that on the corporate credit card.
We're gonna have an overdraft charge.
And I'm not gonna put things on my personal credit card, thank you very much.
Well, in the words of Luciano Pavarotti, "I'm a perfectionist.
I want things to be better.
" Who gives a shit what that jag has to say? I'm a perfectionist, and I want it to be better.
We need a big finale.
I think sparklers would've been fine, if we had gotten 10,000 sparklers, that probably would've cost us, what? 250 bucks? Sparklers are not a big finale, - are they, Ken? - No, no.
Fireworks are always a crowd-pleaser.
What do you know about fireworks? MRS.
BASKETS: You know what? Ken saved us $1,000 on the carpet.
I just want to have a finale.
I don't want to have a big, beautiful event, and then people just go, "Good night, see you.
" I want them to be wowed.
Okay, listen, listen.
I'll put two fireworks on my personal credit card, and that's it.
Two.
Gotcha.
Two.
MRS.
BASKETS: Thank you, Dale.
- I'm so excited! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my God, it's amazing! - It is so cute.
- Oh, well, hi, Chip.
- Hey, ladies.
How are you? - Have to do that.
- How are you? - Welcome to "A Night at the Opera," - at the Baskets Family Rodeo - Hi.
where everybody's welcome.
- Thank you.
- Uh, there is, uh, lobster - and crudité in the VIP room.
- Ooh! And vegan food for those with special problems.
- Welcome.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.
- Lovely to be here.
Welcome to the Baskets Family Rodeo, - where everyone is welcome.
- You look so nice.
A special night at the opera.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Chip.
Your name, please? - Martha.
- "Martha.
" Last name, please.
I don't go by first names.
There could be seven Marthas here.
- Chip, come on.
- Okay.
- Hey, Martha.
Sorry.
- What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be back there doing clown stretches and stuff? Mom has me working front of house.
Oh, no, you got demoted.
Well, no, I don't know if that's really true.
Face it, you got demoted.
[SIGHS.]
Mom is being a control freak.
I-I don't know what's happening.
I'm kind of at my wit's end, here.
Well, for what it's worth, you'll probably get just as many laughs as a manservant as you do as a clown.
Welcome to the Baskets Family Rodeo, where everyone's welcome.
Thanks, Chip.
You really are a good whatever you're - Welcome to the Baskets Family Rodeo.
- Okay.
Thank you, ma'am.
[EXHALES.]
[TRUMPETS PLAY FANFARE.]
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Welcome! Welcome to a very special "Night at the Opera.
" ALL: Yay.
Now get out those Costco cards.
Everybody who has a Costco card is gonna get a free pair of Kirkland jeans.
[APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER.]
Also, I'd like to acknowledge some very good friends.
They're here in the VIP section.
Stand up, ladies! Let's hear it for all of them.
Hi.
And of course the carpet came from Denver.
Ken gave us this carpet.
And let's not forget Martha! Martha! Think about Martha.
- Oh.
- Well Well, without further ado, a beautiful "Night at the Opera" in Bakersfield.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE.]
["LARGO AL FACTOTUM" BY GIOACHINO ROSSINI PLAYS.]
[SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
Wonder when the wheels are gonna come off this bus.
Reminds me of that time Mom tried to take over the, uh, Cub Scout troop.
Remember that time she took us into the woods to go camping, then made us call her Mama Bear? - Yeah, but that was fun.
- No, it wasn't.
She barely thought it through, especially the food and drink part.
I had to drink out of a puddle.
That troop was trouble from the get-go, Dale.
The dads bailed on us on that one.
- Mom tried her best.
- [SONG ENDS.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, I got to go pay some people.
Peace out.
[MAN CONTINUES SINGING.]
- Little presents for you.
- Ooh! Uno - Thank you.
- Dos - Tres, cuatro.
- Thank you.
Are you having fun? Oh, so elegant.
- Isn't he good? - He's wonderful.
Oh, well, now you know why I wasn't at cards.
- Oh, of course.
- We understand.
- It was worth it, though, wasn't it? - Yes, it was.
- Enjoy, enjoy.
You're the VIPs.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Christine.
[MRS.
BASKETS SIGHS.]
Don't worry about them.
I think what you've done here is spectacular.
I'm really proud of you, baby.
- It's neat, huh? - Mm-hmm.
At first I thought I was doing it for them and now I realize I I think I was doing it for me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, opera is something else, isn't it? [HOLDING NOTE.]
What language you think that is? Portuguese? So I was on the corner spinning my sign, and this rather large lady, she pulls up in her car waving at me, screaming something about an opera and how they need sign spinners.
So, that's how I got this job.
How did she find you? Oh.
Between her legs.
I'm her son.
Oh.
Hey, look-look at me.
Yeah, looks good.
So the total rental's gonna be $1,050.
That's a bit steep.
Well, I had a two-face holer, but that Christine lady Mm-mm she wanted the seven-holer.
Well, those holes were empty most of the time.
- I don't know if that's a - Doesn't matter.
Still got to pay for them.
You got a credit card? Oh, this is the grand finale.
Oh! There's Sleepy.
Sleepy.
- [MAN SINGING.]
- Oh, he's so talented.
So natural.
[ALL GASPING.]
So pretty! Oh, is that it? Oh, is that it? What do you think, Martha? Don't you think we need more? Uh, yeah, more would be great.
It's your night.
MRS.
BASKETS: Hey! More fireworks.
- But your son, he said only two.
- No.
I'm in charge.
Okay, lady.
[SCOFFS.]
Ah! Did you hear two or three fireworks? - [FIREWORKS EXPLODING.]
- Is that two - [BACK CRACKS.]
- Oh! Ow.
Mother! [HOLDING NOTE.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Oh! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Yeah, howdy.
DALE [OVER PHONE.]
: My mom was out of control.
Is that you, Dale? I need [SIGHS.]
I need your help.
Really?