Becker s03e04 Episode Script

Morning, morning.
Reg, coffee to go, please.
Bob, you're the superintendent of my building.
Why are you here sitting on your ass when I don't have hot water in my apartment? Ah, a riddle.
- Okay, give me a minute.
- A minute? This is not your girlfriend you're talking to.
This is me.
Here you go.
Eat at Wong's, free egg roll.
Here you go.
Eat at Wong's, free egg roll.
Here you go.
Eat at Wong's, free egg roll.
Hey, you.
What the hell do you think you're doing? Nothing.
Passing out coupons from another restaurant, aren't you? No.
Well, yes.
Get the hell out, you little creep.
Well, that took a lot of nerve.
How would they like it if I went over to Wong's and passed out coupons to eat here? You're lucky if you can get the people who eat here to eat here.
- Shut up, Bob.
- Huh, Wong's.
Listen to this, "Free egg roll with every entrée.
" See, that's not a bad deal.
Because that's the trick, you know.
They keep the prices low, but the egg roll's where they get you.
As if you'd ever eat Chinese anyplace but Ming's.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you're a creature of habit.
If you ever varied your precious daily routine, the Earth would wobble out of the solar system.
Yeah, why don't you just exaggerate it about a billion times out of proportion.
You know, she's not that far off, John.
Every morning you park your car, order a coffee and then get the paper.
Then you complain about the parking, insult the coffee and bitch about the paper.
Then he comes to work and complains about all the morons in the diner.
Hey.
Well, I'm with them on that one.
Something to be said for the comfort of a daily routine.
Every day, Bob himself gets up at the crack of noon and brushes his hair exactly 150 times.
With what, a piece of buttered toast? Hey, I was defending you.
I don't need defending, Bob.
I need hot water in my apartment.
And I am not a creature of habit.
You know, I have merely streamlined my life down to the things that work for me.
What you call routine, I call refinement.
Say whatever you want, Becker, but we know you're not going to Wong's.
Because you are incapable of change.
Hey, what is this? You daring me? Is this some kind of challenge? - Margaret, he might try Wong's.
- No way.
No, you're forgetting one very important aspect of his personality: He's cheap.
Ha-ha-ha, right.
The free egg roll.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Hey, you know what? Screw all of you people.
I can change any time I want to.
I simply don't want to.
Yeah, and another thing.
I am not cheap.
- You tell them, Becker.
Shut up, Bob.
Hey, look at this.
He left me an extra quarter.
Maybe he is changing.
Say, did, uh? Did anyone find a? Oh, yeah, thank you.
Well, Margaret, I guess you and the morons down at the diner were way off-base.
I had dinner at Wong's last night.
Oh, yeah, and if the IRS calls, so did you.
We talked business.
Hmm, business must be pretty bad.
Dinner for two, $7.
50.
Yeah, actually, if you'd turn the seven into a 17, I'd appreciate that.
All in all, Wong's wasn't really too bad.
You ate at Wong's? What happened, did Ming's burn down? No, Ming's did not burn down.
Wong's was giving away a free egg roll.
Clever.
Because the egg roll is where they get you.
Yeah, exactly.
Thank you.
Mrs.
Rigney's in 2.
Oh, I'm so bored.
That's strange, because there's plenty to do around here.
Like confirming patients' appointments, restocking the exam rooms, re-filing patient charts.
No.
Young and the Restless is on in 15 minutes.
I'll just tough it out till then.
Well, your thyroid level, blood counts, liver functions are all normal.
There's nothing here really to explain your fatigue.
All I know is I'm just not feeling like myself these days.
Well, your tests are all fine.
Is there anything going on in your life that could be affecting your mood? Well, maybe.
But it's sort of embarrassing.
Mrs.
Rigney, I'm your doctor.
Anything you say stays just between us.
My husband I haven't had sex in months.
The last time we did have sex, we were just going through the motions.
- Same position, same - Yeah, yeah, I got I got it.
I'm just worried that, well, I've become another boring housewife.
Well, now, you know, all couples go through these times.
I mean, after all, you know, we all become creatures of habit in one way or another.
So, what can I do? Well, why don't you try something new? You know, change in any area of your life can be positive.
For instance, now, last night, I changed my routine.
I went to a new restaurant, and I really enjoyed the experience.
Got a free egg roll.
Yeah, so don't be afraid to experiment.
Shake things up a bit.
You know, that's always been my philosophy.
Thank you so much.
I feel better just having talked about it.
Well, you're very welcome.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
What? Experiment? Shake things up? You ever thought about naming your personalities? You ever thought of giving me more respect around here? Oh, I've thought about it.
New patient in 1.
Oh, and Jake called.
He said he'll meet you here at 5 to go to the game.
What game? Oh, shoot, the hockey game.
Don't tell me you didn't order those tickets.
I reminded you twice last week.
Of course I ordered the tickets, Margaret.
Give me your credit card.
I'll do it.
Thank you, I I was going to, I just Where's my credit card? Oh, damn it.
When was the last time I used it? Oh, you know, I left it at Wong's.
Oh, damn it.
See, now this is what happens when you screw with things that work.
Now, this would never have happened at Ming's.
I have a tab at Ming's.
Now I gotta go all the way down to Wong's at the busiest part of my day and get the stupid card back.
Or you could send Linda.
Yeah, unless she happens to be doing something important and Sorry, what was I thinking? Oh, while you're out, pick me up an egg-salad sandwich.
What am I, some sort of lackey who gets stuck doing all the lousy jobs nobody else wants to do? Okay, I know the answer to that.
But you don't have to treat me like an idiot.
Now what is that you want me to do? Credit card, Wong's, egg salad, go.
Egg salad.
Okay, uh, Mr.
Hatch, I'm Dr.
Becker.
Hey, doc.
Want me to take my clothes off? Because that's no problem.
Uh, why don't we just talk first.
All right, it says that you're here for stomach distress.
Any, uh, recent changes in your diet? No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen that before.
Mexico? No, I was on this island.
My diet was pretty exotic.
I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae.
Ho, ho, ho, stop.
What the hell's wrong with you? - The other people there ate rats.
- Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that? It was for Survivor.
Survivor? You know, the contest, the show.
It was on television.
Television? Oh, my God.
You know, what is this world coming to? You know, people are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God, you know, TV has become nothing more than the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots.
Don't people have better things to do with their time than to debase themselves coast to coast? Well, I won.
Oh, yeah, won.
Yeah, please.
You know, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect? A million dollars? Now, how would I get involved with something like that? Is that something you need to? - Hi, Reg.
Lunch to go, please.
Ahem.
- Anything in particular? It doesn't matter.
Just put the brown stuff on the green stuff.
Then put the yellow stuff on the side there.
Hey, you remember to get the tickets for tonight? It's funny you should ask.
I was gonna order the tickets, but I went to Wong's and they forgot to give me back my credit card.
You know, serves me right for changing my routine.
I knew something like this was gonna happen.
Obviously, you didn't or you wouldn't have left your credit card.
Did you or did you not get the tickets? Jake, for all intents and purposes, yes, I almost ordered the tickets.
So how was the food at Wong's? It's Chinese food.
What's the difference? If there's no difference, Becker, why not eat at Wong's instead of Ming's? If there's no difference, why not eat at Ming's instead of Wong's? - Because there's no difference.
- Which is exactly why I eat at Ming's.
Are we going to the hockey game or not? Yes, yes, we're going.
That is, assuming Old Man Wong and my credit card aren't halfway to China by now.
On your credit card? He couldn't get halfway to Chinatown.
Margaret, I'm back.
What's up? My patience with Linda.
Do you know it took her over two hours to go three blocks to Wong's, pick up your credit card, get me an egg-salad sandwich and get her butt back here? - Oh, good, you got my credit card.
- Oh! I am so mad at her I'm starting to feel sick.
So then did you order those hockey tickets? - Ugh, really sick.
- Margaret, suck it up.
Did you or did you not order the tickets? Thank you for your compassion.
Your credit card is in the drawer and you can pick up the tickets at the box office.
But now you owe me a favour.
Oh, Margaret, I'm really busy.
You are going to have a word with Linda, and I mean a harsh word.
Oh, I can do that.
As a matter of fact, it'd be the highlight of my day.
Uh, Linda, where are you? In your office, filing.
Oh.
Well, I am.
Yeah, look, Linda Dr.
Becker has had it with your cavalier attitude.
It is unprofessional, it's aggravating, and it is going to stop or there are going to be serious consequences.
Yeah, Linda, this whole Consequences up to and including dismissal.
Now, I'm sorry Dr.
Becker has to be so tough on you, but you screwed up royal today, and we are sick and tired of it.
Mostly sick.
Well, gee, Dr.
Becker, you could at least let me explain before you jump all over me.
- Well, Linda, l - He's waiting.
Okay, I picked up Margaret's sandwich like she told me to, which by the way, I never got a thank you for.
Then I went to Wong's to get the credit card.
But while I was there, I noticed that this guy was staring at me.
Which happens a lot, because I guess I am reasonably attractive.
And you are wearing a handkerchief for a shirt.
Anyways, this guy was really scary and creepy.
And when I left there, I realised that he was following me.
So I walked all over the city trying to lose him.
And it's unseasonably hot out there, in case you haven't noticed.
Then I got on the subway where there was no air conditioning.
And, finally, I cut through Bloomingdale's where I lost him.
I really know my way around that place.
So, Dr.
Becker, maybe next time you'll think twice before you come in and start barking at me like that.
You carried my egg-salad sandwich around in this heat for over two hours? No wonder I'm feeling sick.
Thanks a lot, Linda.
Finally.
You're welcome, Margaret.
And I'm not kidding.
Mr.
Angelo, use the ointment.
They're parasites.
They're not pets.
Where is Margaret? Okay, I'll tell you, but I don't want you to go off on me again like you did in your office.
- Linda.
- She went home.
What? Oh, come on, she can't do that.
She knows I have to get out early for the hockey game.
She said she was too sick to work, the big baby.
So anyways, you're on your own.
No, no, no, you get back here.
I've been here too long already.
What if that scary guy who was following me comes in? Oh, he's not gonna show up here.
Trust me, Linda.
Oh, my God, there he is.
That's the big scary guy? Oh, that's the coupon guy from Wong's.
Oh, for God's sake, Linda, don't be ridiculous.
He looks completely harmless.
Oh, jeez.
- Are you following Linda? - No.
Who is that girl that just ran down the hall? - Linda.
- Oh, then yes.
You know, a little tip, kid.
If you walk in a room and a woman runs out, maybe she's not interested.
Linda.
What an unusual and beautiful name.
Are you busy? Hey, you know what? You're standing way too close.
Ahem, Dr.
Becker, I've been waiting since 4:30.
Yeah, well, it's only 5.
You're beating the average.
Sign here.
Write quickly.
Oh, jeez, you know what? Rule one, personal space.
This is mine.
You're in it.
Get out of it.
Hey, doc, am I gonna have my next birthday here? Hey, give me a break, will you? Margaret's out sick.
I'm doing the best I can.
What can I do to impress Linda? You know, just change your approach.
You mean like what, get a Harley? No, I don't Yes, get a Harley.
And get one now, will you? - Are you Dr.
Becker? - Yes, I am, just sign in right here.
I'm not a patient.
My wife is, Carla Rigney.
I understand you told her to try something new.
- You know, I'm really busy right now - She tried my next door neighbour.
I found them in bed together.
Boy, I'm almost positive I didn't tell her to do that.
Do you believe this guy? He told my wife to go out and have an affair.
I did not, I did not.
Listen, I know you're upset, but l You think I'm upset? Wait till you see my neighbour's husband.
Husband? Your wife had an affair with another woman? Can you say that any louder? There's one outside guy who can't hear you.
- No, I heard him.
Oh.
Is this gonna take much longer? I gotta get home and start dinner.
Do you mind? We're talking girl-on-girl action here.
Speaking of mismatched plumbing, you got the wrong valve on your heater.
You need a new one.
Give me 20 bucks.
Doesn't the building have money for that thing? I used that to dress up the place a little.
So how do you like my new jacket? Sure, our sex life wasn't perfect.
But a lesbian? - What colour Harley? - Blue.
Yeah, Mr.
Garland, go on back to Room 1, please.
No, 2.
No, 1.
Oh, hell, how does Margaret keep all this straight? Listen, I've been waiting since 3:30.
You said 4:30.
- Maybe I ought to see another doctor.
- How much longer is this gonna take? Hey, Becker, you want your valve fixed or not? Hey, hey, keep it down.
I can't hear the TV.
Oh, my God, you're still here.
You wanna ride on my Harley? It's gonna be blue.
Wow.
Is that a handkerchief? Because Bob feels a sneeze coming on.
Hey, you can't talk to her that way.
She's a woman of great beauty and grace.
Not to mention the boobage, huh? Ow, my nose.
Oh, no, you can't hit people.
- Not even Bob.
- Ow.
That was so sweet of you.
- What's your name? - Pete.
Pete.
What an unusual and beautiful name.
I think he broke my nose.
My beautiful nose.
Oh, so I suppose you're gonna see him ahead of us? No, he can walk it off.
Hey, John, ready to go to the game? - Come on, man.
- Hey, hey, hey, calm down, will you? Actually, Jake, I can't go with you.
Margaret's not here and I'm way behind.
- So you'll have to find somebody else.
- Oh, man.
Where am I gonna find anyone so pitiful they can just pick up and go at the last minute? Thank you for thinking of me, Jake.
Lucky I didn't have plans.
Hey, I took a shot.
- Next.
- Oh, that's you, Jake.
Hi.
Uh, there should be two tickets for John Becker.
Becker, Becker, Becker.
Ah, here they are.
I'll just need to see your credit card, Mr.
Becker.
Oh, I'm not John Becker.
I see.
Next.
No, he bought them, he was supposed to come with us, but he got stuck in the office.
His nurse went home.
He had patients Okay, I'm gonna stop you here, because I don't remember asking for your life story.
- Next.
- Hey, wait, wait, what do you think? We picked a name out of the phone book and drove down here on the off chance that some guy named John Becker would buy tickets and not show up? How stupid do you think we are? I really don't know how stupid you are.
Perhaps we could discuss your stupidity another time.
- Next.
- Are there any other tickets available? Sorry, we're sold out.
- Next.
- Next, next.
Is that all you can say? - Security.
- All right, all right.
All right, all right.
Damn, we came all the way down here, and we don't even get to see the game.
- Yeah.
- Hey, wanna buy some tickets? - Actually, we do.
- Eighty bucks.
Eighty bucks for hockey tickets? Hey, am I asking you why a blind guy is going to a hockey game? Do you want the tickets or not? - Jake? - Yeah, okay.
Great.
Hmm.
Here you go.
Well, gotta run.
- Why? - You'll see.
Are they good seats? Yeah, they're great seats.
For Rugrats On Ice.
So by the time I got through with that guy, he didn't know what hit him.
Yeah, because nothing hit him.
Let me get this straight.
We're talking about that wimpy guy who was in here giving out coupons, right? Wimpy? He had a Harley.
Well, we could have used him when Jake got us mugged.
We did not get mugged.
We got scammed.
It's not my fault that John got stuck at the office because he had no help.
- No help? What am I? - You're no help.
Oh, yeah? Well, as I recall, Margaret, you were the one who had to go home early just because of little "food poisoning.
" Excuse me.
I got food poisoning because you took my egg-salad sandwich on a tour of the city.
Yeah, well, if you'd gotten Dr.
Becker's credit card yourself, none of that would've happened.
I don't remember you coming in here for a sandwich.
Interesting.
The minute you hear food poisoning, you automatically assume it's you.
In all fairness, it usually is.
I make great sandwiches.
You know, the next time I want something done right, I'm gonna do it myself.
I'm gonna kick his ass.
Hey, hey, hey.
It wasn't a stalker.
He wa Nothing comes from pointing the finger at each other.
You're all to blame.
What? Yeah, let's take a look at this great big mess, shall we? Now Reggie and Jake were mugged because I was stuck at the office after Margaret got sick from the sandwich that Linda picked up before she was stalked by the guy from Wong's where I had dinner.
Now, why did I have dinner at Wong's? What? Oh, that's right.
Because you all told me that I should vary my routine.
As a matter of fact, I think I was sitting Well, I was sitting right here in my usual seat when Margaret suggested that the Earth would wobble out of the solar system if I were ever to change.
Now, I don't think that I am the centre of the universe, but, obviously, I'm the centre of yours because, well, look what happened.
Look what happened.
Now stick with me here, stick with me.
I think we learned three very valuable lessons.
One, I was right.
Now, let's just, uh, stop and savour that moment for a minute, all right? Okay, that's enough.
All right, two, no good ever comes from change.
Ever.
Three Three, um Egg salad doesn't keep in the sun? Close enough.
All right, what say we get our lives back to normal, shall we? I'll start.
I'm off to Wong's.
Ming's.
Just checking.