Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s03e04 Episode Script
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Excuse me, fellas.
Do you know if there's a coffee shop around here? _ Yeah, go and make a left right here.
- It's the Vatican.
I have to take it.
- Okay.
Holy Father! What's up?! Yes! Oh, thank you, Father! Oh, yes.
_ Excuse me, miss? Would you like to see today's specials? Hi, and welcome to the show.
Aretha and Ann and I are starting off the show with a toast.
Here's to being young, hot, and single.
Young? Okay.
Here's to being hot and single.
I'm only hot in flashes now.
Here's to being single.
Do we really want to drink to that? At this point, I'll drink to anything.
Do you have a key or something, that I could just slip this open? _ Can you help me open it? I bought this on the Internet from Russia.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my new husband! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- I was so cold.
- Thank you! Thank you! - I lost my dog.
- You lost your dog? I lost him.
I lost him.
- What kind of dog is it? - Yama! He's a mutt.
White hair, brown eyes.
Yama.
Here, Yama.
Oh, here he is.
Oh, you're such a bad boy! Oh, my God! Now, don't let this happen again! Now, wait a minute! Stop it! Yama! Hey! Oh, my God! Pull over.
I said pull over.
Up yours, copper.
I don't care.
Up yours.
Pull over! Damn it! Hey.
Hey.
You.
Can you hear? - No.
- Damn teenagers.
Excuse me.
Can I get you to add your signature to a petition to lower the cost of hearing AIDS? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not a registered voter.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
I'm not a registered voter or anything.
I'm sorry.
Could you speak a little louder? I'm not I'm not from California.
I'm not what what are you saying? I don't live here.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Try this ear.
I don't live here.
What? I'm not from California.
Can I get you to sign this petition to help lower the cost of hearing AIDS? No, sorry.
- What? - No.
What? - No.
No.
N o.
- What? What? No, sorry.
- What? - No! Well, look, if you didn't want to sign it, you should have just said no.
I said no the first five times.
_ _ Excuse me, sir.
Hold on one second.
You have to wear this hard hat.
Someone will take it on the other end.
We got a crane coming over.
- Really? - Yeah, just Thank you.
I'll take the hat.
Thanks for your commitment.
Thank you.
Could I ask your advice? Sure.
I did something.
I got to tell my wife.
It'll never happen again, but I did something really bad, and it only lasted for a minute, but, you know, it happened, and I don't know what the hell I can do about it.
Um I deleted everything on the DVR.
Do you think she'd forgive me if I gave her these flowers? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
If you talk to her and, like, really tell her, like, how you really feel.
If you tell her before she finds out what you did.
Damn.
Yeah.
Hell, I wish I would have had an affair, you know? Thanks, all right? I've got so much going on now.
But part of keeping my life organized is being able to delegate some of the more routine tasks.
I'm all done with the floors.
What would you like me to do next? Oop.
It looks like you missed a spot.
Oh.
Excuse me, I just got an emergency text, and I don't have my glasses.
Could I trouble you to read this for me? Um, yeah.
Sure.
"Oh, yeah.
I'm not kidding.
The test came back positive.
I have chlamydia and so do you, too.
" Oh.
"That also means Alan has it and Donna, Jeff and Lily and Robin and " Oh, my God.
"And Barry and Tina.
Send them a Facebook message or something.
- "This sucks.
" - Oh, no.
Thank you so much for reading it.
I'm not even sure who was there that night.
Really? Chlamydia? Ugh! Since I started my own clothing line, I've learned a lot about marketing.
It's not what you sell.
I mean, I could sell trash if it were wrapped up in a pretty package.
Introducing Betty White Couture.
It gives a whole new meaning to the words "trashy outfit.
" - Aaaaaaaah! - Oh, crap! Do you know what time it is? Hi.
I'd like to invite you to a support group.
- I can tell in your face.
You're a virgin.
- No! I'd like to invite you to a support group for virgins.
- _ - To keep you yes.
You have that look.
- You're beautiful and you look like - _ - _ - Yeah.
You look like a vir oh, no.
You look so pure.
And this will help you stay pure.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Would you think of coming? Uh, I probably can't make it.
I sure would like you to think about it.
All right.
Okay.
Keep you from temptation.
Bye.
See you soon.
Excuse me.
We're having a special on foot-long sandwiches, but somebody ordered the wrong bread.
And I got to make sure they're a foot long, otherwise my boss is gonna kill me.
So, like, your foot looks, like, pretty good.
Can I use your foot to measure it? - I just want to measure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- _ Okay.
Let's see.
So, okay, do you think that looks like a foot? Yeah.
- _ - Okay.
Can I use your foot again? - I got a customer waiting, okay? - Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- These sandwiches are gonna be delicious.
- _ Thank you.
_ Thank you! Hi.
Hi.
Can I talk to you for a sec? - Sure.
- Okay.
What's your name? - Justin.
- Justin, hi.
Hi.
My name is Peter Green.
- I'm a personal injury attorney.
- Oh, okay.
Listen, I got an opportunity.
Would you like to make a bunch of money without really doing too much? - Doing what? - Well, all you have to do is, you know, kind of "get hurt" a little bit.
Here? Yeah, look, see? You put the water down, right? Go ahead, take a walk, you slip on the water, you wind up with a big settlement.
It's called a slip-and-fall.
Have you got anyone to do it yet? Hundreds of people.
- Really? - Yeah.
And they make money? Make money? Most of them have yachts.
Okay, Justin.
Well, I'll think about it.
- Okay.
- All right.
Why don't you walk this way so you can slip on the water? - All right.
- Go ahead.
- All right.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Whoa.
Hey! That's it.
Good rehearsal.
_ Sir? Sir? I hear your footsteps.
Could help me a minute, please? Well, I'm babysitting my grandchild, and I don't hear any noise in there, and I'm just wondering if everything is all right.
Would you check, please? There's no baby in there, man.
There's no baby there? Oh, my God.
Oh! My daughter is gonna kill me.
People think things have changed so much since I was a kid.
Well, they have and they haven't.
I mean, I still enjoy getting an ice cream from the ice-cream truck, but, then again, swinging has taken on a whole new meaning.
You want to sit down, ask him? - Go ahead.
- Hello.
- Hi.
How you doing? - How are you? - I'm good.
- May I sit? - Yeah, no problem.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, you're drawing, huh? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Listen.
My wife and I, we want to get it on, you understand? We want to bang, but the thing is he can't get it up unless somebody's watching.
Yeah.
You like to watch? Um, I've never watched before, actually.
- Really? - No.
Well, this might be a new experience for you.
Right.
It won't take very long.
What do you say? I'm gonna have to pass, actually.
Thank you guys very much.
Well, maybe another time.
- He doesn't know what he's missing.
- I know.
Thanks anyway.
You change your mind, we'll be at the snack bar.
_ Excuse me.
Can I get you to do something for me for one second? Someone's gonna come and pick up this cake, and I got to run in and get my wallet.
It'll take me one second.
I'm just gonna leave it right here for one second.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Aiii-yah! Aiii-yah! Whoa! That guy just came over and karate-chopped the cake.
What? What the hey! That guy right there? Hey! You! What do you hey! Oh, hello, there.
My protégé and I are just rehearsing our award show etiquette.
And the winner is Not you.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Smile.
Even though you're thinking, "it should be me," your face must read, "I'm so happy for you.
" Excuse me.
This is for V.
I.
P.
s only.
Can you just form a line right here? Is your name on the V.
I.
P.
list? Well, this is for V.
I.
P.
s.
Ah, Miss Simon.
Please come in.
Come in.
Thank you so much, Roscoe.
Oh, you're welcome.
- Okay, just yes, just form a line here - _.
I'll be right back.
Can I ask you a favor, please? Could you take a picture? I'm visiting here.
Here, let me I want you to get the ferris wheel in the back.
This is for my wife.
- Ready, ready? - Yeah.
Okay, take one more.
This is for my ex-wife.
Okay, you ready? Okay.
It's good.
She was a bitch.
Didn't like her at all.
Thank you very much for doing that.
Thanks a lot.
Here we are, Henry.
Favorite tree.
There'll be leaves on it in the spring.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna miss you, Henry.
Oh.
Oh, no, this is Henry.
My husband.
This was his favorite tree.
In the spring, there are leaves and it's nice and shady and this time of year, you get the evening sun.
I promised him I'd leave him here.
It's been about a month, but it took awhile to get him cremated.
Well, he'll be happy now.
He's in a better place.
There you go.
And just be careful when you leave.
Bye, Henry.
I miss you.
Go ahead.
Oh, go ahead.
You got a second? Surely.
You're from the younger generation.
Okay, so, I'm going to a club for the first time, and my grandson suggested I stuff my pants.
I'm trying to figure out which one to use.
What do you think? Some advice would be really appreciated.
Honestly, I would suggest you do neither.
- It is a horrible idea.
- Really? Think of the logistics involved.
How are you gonna keep one of these in place? Well where's it gonna go? Well, look, if I put it in here, right What happens if you're dancing and you crush it against your leg? That's just gonna be a mess.
Oh, man.
Well, I could I hope that helps.
Well, I'd have to be dancing kind of like this, wouldn't I? To make it work.
- Right? - Indeed.
Right.
Hey, you need a flashlight? _ Okay.
Well, thanks.
You've been terrific.
Delilah from Pittsburgh asks, "Betty, what's your favorite recipe?" Thanks for your question, Delilah.
My favorite recipe is tomato soup mixed with coffee grounds, fish sticks, peanut butter, and sugar.
Basically, it's a recipe for disaster.
If everyone thinks you can't cook, then you'll never have to.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Um I want to take a picture.
Do you know how to do this? Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Take a picture.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's probably not right.
And then what do I do? - And then just press that.
- Oh, wow.
Can I take a picture of you? - Of me? - Okay.
Yeah.
Now, do you mind if I use this picture on my Internet-dating profile? - Yeah.
- Really? Yeah, I do.
I would mind.
Well, you know _ No? Okay.
I'm babysitting! Whoo! Hello? Hello? Oh, my God.
Oh, hon.
Hon.
Could you hang up? Your signal is interfering with my signal.
I've got my boyfriend on the line.
Hello? I'm trying to have phone sex with him.
Can you hear me, big boy? Mama loves you, honey, yes.
No, not that mama.
Okay, honey.
Yes, yes! Yes, yes! Ohh! Was that good for you? Miss? Miss? They're after me.
They're really after me.
The code is "the eagle is flying.
" Remember that, please.
The eagle is flying.
You got it? - Okay.
I got it.
- Thank you very much.
Ma'am, I believe you have something that belongs to us.
What? What is the code? Ma'am, what is the code? I work for an evil international organization.
You've helped in the destruction of Canada.
Hi, team.
I invited you all here today so you could each give me a little feedback on how you think our show could run better.
Now, don't hold back.
Well, Betty, there is one Oh, darn.
That's all the time we have for today.
Great talk, team.
It's the Vatican.
I have to take it.
Okay.
Holy Father! What's up? Yes! - Aaaaaaah! - Oh, crap!
Do you know if there's a coffee shop around here? _ Yeah, go and make a left right here.
- It's the Vatican.
I have to take it.
- Okay.
Holy Father! What's up?! Yes! Oh, thank you, Father! Oh, yes.
_ Excuse me, miss? Would you like to see today's specials? Hi, and welcome to the show.
Aretha and Ann and I are starting off the show with a toast.
Here's to being young, hot, and single.
Young? Okay.
Here's to being hot and single.
I'm only hot in flashes now.
Here's to being single.
Do we really want to drink to that? At this point, I'll drink to anything.
Do you have a key or something, that I could just slip this open? _ Can you help me open it? I bought this on the Internet from Russia.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my new husband! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- I was so cold.
- Thank you! Thank you! - I lost my dog.
- You lost your dog? I lost him.
I lost him.
- What kind of dog is it? - Yama! He's a mutt.
White hair, brown eyes.
Yama.
Here, Yama.
Oh, here he is.
Oh, you're such a bad boy! Oh, my God! Now, don't let this happen again! Now, wait a minute! Stop it! Yama! Hey! Oh, my God! Pull over.
I said pull over.
Up yours, copper.
I don't care.
Up yours.
Pull over! Damn it! Hey.
Hey.
You.
Can you hear? - No.
- Damn teenagers.
Excuse me.
Can I get you to add your signature to a petition to lower the cost of hearing AIDS? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not a registered voter.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
I'm not a registered voter or anything.
I'm sorry.
Could you speak a little louder? I'm not I'm not from California.
I'm not what what are you saying? I don't live here.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Try this ear.
I don't live here.
What? I'm not from California.
Can I get you to sign this petition to help lower the cost of hearing AIDS? No, sorry.
- What? - No.
What? - No.
No.
N o.
- What? What? No, sorry.
- What? - No! Well, look, if you didn't want to sign it, you should have just said no.
I said no the first five times.
_ _ Excuse me, sir.
Hold on one second.
You have to wear this hard hat.
Someone will take it on the other end.
We got a crane coming over.
- Really? - Yeah, just Thank you.
I'll take the hat.
Thanks for your commitment.
Thank you.
Could I ask your advice? Sure.
I did something.
I got to tell my wife.
It'll never happen again, but I did something really bad, and it only lasted for a minute, but, you know, it happened, and I don't know what the hell I can do about it.
Um I deleted everything on the DVR.
Do you think she'd forgive me if I gave her these flowers? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
If you talk to her and, like, really tell her, like, how you really feel.
If you tell her before she finds out what you did.
Damn.
Yeah.
Hell, I wish I would have had an affair, you know? Thanks, all right? I've got so much going on now.
But part of keeping my life organized is being able to delegate some of the more routine tasks.
I'm all done with the floors.
What would you like me to do next? Oop.
It looks like you missed a spot.
Oh.
Excuse me, I just got an emergency text, and I don't have my glasses.
Could I trouble you to read this for me? Um, yeah.
Sure.
"Oh, yeah.
I'm not kidding.
The test came back positive.
I have chlamydia and so do you, too.
" Oh.
"That also means Alan has it and Donna, Jeff and Lily and Robin and " Oh, my God.
"And Barry and Tina.
Send them a Facebook message or something.
- "This sucks.
" - Oh, no.
Thank you so much for reading it.
I'm not even sure who was there that night.
Really? Chlamydia? Ugh! Since I started my own clothing line, I've learned a lot about marketing.
It's not what you sell.
I mean, I could sell trash if it were wrapped up in a pretty package.
Introducing Betty White Couture.
It gives a whole new meaning to the words "trashy outfit.
" - Aaaaaaaah! - Oh, crap! Do you know what time it is? Hi.
I'd like to invite you to a support group.
- I can tell in your face.
You're a virgin.
- No! I'd like to invite you to a support group for virgins.
- _ - To keep you yes.
You have that look.
- You're beautiful and you look like - _ - _ - Yeah.
You look like a vir oh, no.
You look so pure.
And this will help you stay pure.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Would you think of coming? Uh, I probably can't make it.
I sure would like you to think about it.
All right.
Okay.
Keep you from temptation.
Bye.
See you soon.
Excuse me.
We're having a special on foot-long sandwiches, but somebody ordered the wrong bread.
And I got to make sure they're a foot long, otherwise my boss is gonna kill me.
So, like, your foot looks, like, pretty good.
Can I use your foot to measure it? - I just want to measure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- _ Okay.
Let's see.
So, okay, do you think that looks like a foot? Yeah.
- _ - Okay.
Can I use your foot again? - I got a customer waiting, okay? - Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- These sandwiches are gonna be delicious.
- _ Thank you.
_ Thank you! Hi.
Hi.
Can I talk to you for a sec? - Sure.
- Okay.
What's your name? - Justin.
- Justin, hi.
Hi.
My name is Peter Green.
- I'm a personal injury attorney.
- Oh, okay.
Listen, I got an opportunity.
Would you like to make a bunch of money without really doing too much? - Doing what? - Well, all you have to do is, you know, kind of "get hurt" a little bit.
Here? Yeah, look, see? You put the water down, right? Go ahead, take a walk, you slip on the water, you wind up with a big settlement.
It's called a slip-and-fall.
Have you got anyone to do it yet? Hundreds of people.
- Really? - Yeah.
And they make money? Make money? Most of them have yachts.
Okay, Justin.
Well, I'll think about it.
- Okay.
- All right.
Why don't you walk this way so you can slip on the water? - All right.
- Go ahead.
- All right.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Whoa.
Hey! That's it.
Good rehearsal.
_ Sir? Sir? I hear your footsteps.
Could help me a minute, please? Well, I'm babysitting my grandchild, and I don't hear any noise in there, and I'm just wondering if everything is all right.
Would you check, please? There's no baby in there, man.
There's no baby there? Oh, my God.
Oh! My daughter is gonna kill me.
People think things have changed so much since I was a kid.
Well, they have and they haven't.
I mean, I still enjoy getting an ice cream from the ice-cream truck, but, then again, swinging has taken on a whole new meaning.
You want to sit down, ask him? - Go ahead.
- Hello.
- Hi.
How you doing? - How are you? - I'm good.
- May I sit? - Yeah, no problem.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, you're drawing, huh? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Listen.
My wife and I, we want to get it on, you understand? We want to bang, but the thing is he can't get it up unless somebody's watching.
Yeah.
You like to watch? Um, I've never watched before, actually.
- Really? - No.
Well, this might be a new experience for you.
Right.
It won't take very long.
What do you say? I'm gonna have to pass, actually.
Thank you guys very much.
Well, maybe another time.
- He doesn't know what he's missing.
- I know.
Thanks anyway.
You change your mind, we'll be at the snack bar.
_ Excuse me.
Can I get you to do something for me for one second? Someone's gonna come and pick up this cake, and I got to run in and get my wallet.
It'll take me one second.
I'm just gonna leave it right here for one second.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Aiii-yah! Aiii-yah! Whoa! That guy just came over and karate-chopped the cake.
What? What the hey! That guy right there? Hey! You! What do you hey! Oh, hello, there.
My protégé and I are just rehearsing our award show etiquette.
And the winner is Not you.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Smile.
Even though you're thinking, "it should be me," your face must read, "I'm so happy for you.
" Excuse me.
This is for V.
I.
P.
s only.
Can you just form a line right here? Is your name on the V.
I.
P.
list? Well, this is for V.
I.
P.
s.
Ah, Miss Simon.
Please come in.
Come in.
Thank you so much, Roscoe.
Oh, you're welcome.
- Okay, just yes, just form a line here - _.
I'll be right back.
Can I ask you a favor, please? Could you take a picture? I'm visiting here.
Here, let me I want you to get the ferris wheel in the back.
This is for my wife.
- Ready, ready? - Yeah.
Okay, take one more.
This is for my ex-wife.
Okay, you ready? Okay.
It's good.
She was a bitch.
Didn't like her at all.
Thank you very much for doing that.
Thanks a lot.
Here we are, Henry.
Favorite tree.
There'll be leaves on it in the spring.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna miss you, Henry.
Oh.
Oh, no, this is Henry.
My husband.
This was his favorite tree.
In the spring, there are leaves and it's nice and shady and this time of year, you get the evening sun.
I promised him I'd leave him here.
It's been about a month, but it took awhile to get him cremated.
Well, he'll be happy now.
He's in a better place.
There you go.
And just be careful when you leave.
Bye, Henry.
I miss you.
Go ahead.
Oh, go ahead.
You got a second? Surely.
You're from the younger generation.
Okay, so, I'm going to a club for the first time, and my grandson suggested I stuff my pants.
I'm trying to figure out which one to use.
What do you think? Some advice would be really appreciated.
Honestly, I would suggest you do neither.
- It is a horrible idea.
- Really? Think of the logistics involved.
How are you gonna keep one of these in place? Well where's it gonna go? Well, look, if I put it in here, right What happens if you're dancing and you crush it against your leg? That's just gonna be a mess.
Oh, man.
Well, I could I hope that helps.
Well, I'd have to be dancing kind of like this, wouldn't I? To make it work.
- Right? - Indeed.
Right.
Hey, you need a flashlight? _ Okay.
Well, thanks.
You've been terrific.
Delilah from Pittsburgh asks, "Betty, what's your favorite recipe?" Thanks for your question, Delilah.
My favorite recipe is tomato soup mixed with coffee grounds, fish sticks, peanut butter, and sugar.
Basically, it's a recipe for disaster.
If everyone thinks you can't cook, then you'll never have to.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Um I want to take a picture.
Do you know how to do this? Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Take a picture.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's probably not right.
And then what do I do? - And then just press that.
- Oh, wow.
Can I take a picture of you? - Of me? - Okay.
Yeah.
Now, do you mind if I use this picture on my Internet-dating profile? - Yeah.
- Really? Yeah, I do.
I would mind.
Well, you know _ No? Okay.
I'm babysitting! Whoo! Hello? Hello? Oh, my God.
Oh, hon.
Hon.
Could you hang up? Your signal is interfering with my signal.
I've got my boyfriend on the line.
Hello? I'm trying to have phone sex with him.
Can you hear me, big boy? Mama loves you, honey, yes.
No, not that mama.
Okay, honey.
Yes, yes! Yes, yes! Ohh! Was that good for you? Miss? Miss? They're after me.
They're really after me.
The code is "the eagle is flying.
" Remember that, please.
The eagle is flying.
You got it? - Okay.
I got it.
- Thank you very much.
Ma'am, I believe you have something that belongs to us.
What? What is the code? Ma'am, what is the code? I work for an evil international organization.
You've helped in the destruction of Canada.
Hi, team.
I invited you all here today so you could each give me a little feedback on how you think our show could run better.
Now, don't hold back.
Well, Betty, there is one Oh, darn.
That's all the time we have for today.
Great talk, team.
It's the Vatican.
I have to take it.
Okay.
Holy Father! What's up? Yes! - Aaaaaaah! - Oh, crap!