Big Mouth (2017) s03e04 Episode Script
Obsessed
1 [BIRDSONG.]
[PHONE ALARM CHIMING.]
[SNIFFS.]
Mm Good morning, Nick.
I have so much to show you.
I wanna see it all.
- Well, follow me.
- [GROANS.]
You're already behind.
- I'll follow you anywhere.
- [LAUGHS.]
[YELLS.]
- Oof.
- Oh, Nick.
The world is on fire.
- [SIRENS AND EXPLOSION.]
- But so is Steph Curry.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Mm.
Come swipe me for more rock-hard content.
How did I wake into this dream? - You like this? - Uh-huh.
How about this? I like all of it.
Mm.
I know exactly what you want and what you need.
[GASPS.]
- Do you love me, Nicky? - I'm obsessed with you.
[WHISPERS.]
Perfect.
[DIANE.]
Nicky? Nicky? Nicky, we're late! - Ow! - What are you still doing in bed? - Put down that phone.
- Ugh! Your mom totally hates me.
Who cares? Her opinion means shit to me.
Then keep scrolling, 'cause you'll never believe how fat these ten civil rights heroes got.
I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh [KIMBERLEY.]
Matthew, time for kindergarten! Bye, Harry Potter.
Matthew, time for tap class! Bye, Nick Jonas.
Matthew, time for school! - Okay, I'm coming.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Aren't you gonna kiss the door jamb and pretend it's your crush? - Oh, it's so stupid.
- Come on! You've been doing it forever.
"Bye, Aiden.
" Oh, God, no.
If I pretend it's Aiden, then it's a whole thing.
Why don't you start with half your thing? Then, if he relaxes, maybe he'll take the whole thing.
Jesus.
Aiden and I haven't even kissed yet.
- I haven't kissed anyone.
- What about Jay? No, no, no, no.
no.
Kissing Jay is like eating McDonald's at the airport.
It doesn't fucking count.
And then you fart so hard on the plane, all the masks drop? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Ugh, God.
So, I told Grandma, "You can't keep a microwave on your nightstand.
" Nick, stop lookin' at real stuff out the window.
Look at this video.
This kid calls himself Short Stack.
Is that all he does, eat pancakes? [CELLSEA.]
Yeah, but then he pukes them up on his friends.
He's pretty popular.
Oh, look at all them likes.
He's got 20,000 followers.
Why can't we ever do something cool and viral together? I would totally do a video with you.
Oh, you'd totally do a video with me? Yeah.
What what should we do? Oh, now I'm supposed to have all the ideas? - No, I I just - You have to think of your own content.
Ooh! We could throw a towel up in the air higher than it's ever been.
- What? - So, we're thinking, why tell Grandma about the cancer when she doesn't even know where she is, right? - Wow, that's really exciting.
- Bye, Nicky.
Have a great day with your phone.
So glad I opened up to you about my dying mother.
- [NICK.]
Okay.
- You little fuck.
[MISSY.]
Nathan Fillion had been time-traveling the galaxy for eons and had grown quite lonely.
Oh, Gustavo.
[MISSY.]
Nathan and Gustavo had met only once, while buying saffron at a 7th-century spice market.
But Nathan couldn't get that muscular horse out of his mind Missy, what are you doing over there all scribbling away? What? Nothing.
I'm actually just It's something for myself, private.
Lamies and gentlejerks.
Who's gonna pick a card? - Well? How 'bout it, Nick? - I don't care.
Uh, Nick's still preoccupied with his phone, but he's always got time for a best-bud fist bump.
No? Fists? Come on, please? All right, rain-check that fist bump.
Another day.
We will do it.
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Never mind.
I'll pick the card.
And boom! Disappeared! Okay.
Can we please go to class now? No! I haven't gotten to the prestige.
Now, if we just look in Missy's old-timey notebook here Holy shit, I did it! [GASPS.]
Gaia dang it, Jay! That's my private property.
Missy, calm down.
It's just a stupid notebook.
Stop overreacting, or I'll fucking kill you! So, why were you off today? Is it, like, the Pope's birthday or something? Well, my school put up a more "body-positive" Jesus in the chapel, and it fell on Father Lucien.
But did Daddy Lucien like it? - Daddy did.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
So, do you, maybe, wanna meet up at Rosa Parks Park tomorrow, after school? Um Yeah.
That sounds great.
Okay, cool.
Uh, I gotta go.
- Oh.
- But not an awkward "gotta go.
" - Uh.
like, I really gotta go, so - Totally.
- Um, see you tomorrow.
- Yes, yes.
It's a date.
- Byeeee.
- Byeeee.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, quick.
Jerk it to Aiden while his voice is still fresh in your head.
- What? No.
- Ooh! Did you take any screenshots of him with his mouth open? Maury, calm down.
You're putting too much pressure on me.
Pressure, yes.
Let's get your mom's panini press.
We'll make a pan-enis.
The house will smell for weeks.
Ugh, what the hell has gotten into you? I'm jazzed, man.
It's your first date.
It is kind of exciting.
What are you gonna wear? What am I gonna wear? [GASPS.]
What are my dicks gonna wear? Probably just, like, a cute top and jeans.
[CELLSEA.]
I'm so bored.
Post something, babe.
Babe, what do you want me to post? This guy took a selfie on the tip of the Seattle Space Needle.
- Whatchu got? - I don't now, but that sounds terrifying.
Yeah, well, you need to take risks if you wanna get attention, dude.
Do something cool, you fuckin' shit.
Look, I don't want you to feel bored.
I want you to scare me, Nick.
I don't wanna feel safe with you.
[ELLIOT.]
First comes the baby oil On places big and small Next comes the lotion Don't forget the balls Take the time to do it right Soft Daddy thinks you'll find You'll be smooth as baby skin From kisser to behind [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, your dad's like a serial killer.
He's hilarious.
You have to put this online.
I don't know.
This seems, like, profoundly private.
Jesus! You never wanna do anything I wanna do.
- Are you kidding me? - Do you even fucking love me? Of course I do.
I love you so much.
Then fucking do it.
For me.
[ELLIOT.]
One and two refrain! Elliot, you're as smooth as hell What's your secret? Sh! Soft Daddy never tells [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
So, me and Aiden are going to the playground after school.
Oooh! Are you going to "Le Slide"? Why are you saying it like that? Uh, because the slide is where all the eighth graders go to French kiss.
Ooh-la-la! My French penis is très excited.
Oh, I love a cigarette.
Oh, God.
Why is there no spit in my mouth? Because it's going straight to your balls.
It's turning into cum.
- Eyebrows, eyebrows.
- Aw, Matthew! I've never seen you nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I'm just uncertain how things will go and, therefore, deeply terrified.
Well, I think you should go and definitely make out with him, and then definitely tell me all about it.
Yeah, I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? You wanna lip-fuck his yapper.
- Fine, I'll go.
- Yes! Vive la France ! Let them eat cock.
- Oh, I get it, Maury Antoinette? - Oui.
- Good one.
- It's my drag name.
Hey, Nick.
Paging Dr.
Nick.
Patient Glouberman desperately needs your attention.
I need a a hot Nick injection.
Uh, no No, that didn't come out right.
Ooh, Soft Daddy got so many likes! Eh.
Not like it went viral or anything.
But it still could go viral.
Oh, my God.
It's bumming me out that you think that.
I don't wanna bum you out.
I I just wanna make you happy.
Holy shit, Nick! I tried your dad's skincare routine and it's, like, amazing.
From kisser to behi-i-ind [CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Missy.
- I wound up with a page of - That's not yours.
- Give that back! - I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
Fuck you! I really liked it, though.
- You did? - Yeah.
Especially the romantic parts with Nathan and Gustavo.
Are you making fun of me? 'Cause I wasn't sure you knew how to read.
Are you kidding? This half a page is my favorite book.
Wow, Jay.
That's very flattering.
Does the horse go into space? Because you've made Nathan into a character I can really root for, and I just want him to be happy.
He's gonna be happy.
This isn't some Damon Lindelof Lost bull honky.
I know where I'm goin'.
I'm not gonna smoke-monster this thing.
Missy, if you don't let me read the rest of your hot, horse-on-guy, Spanish space epic, I'm gonna set myself on fire.
- Jay, I respect your passion.
- Thank you.
But I don't know if I can trust you with something so private.
You can trust me.
I have big-ass secrets, like, way bigger than your stupid stories that I fucking love.
- Okay.
- Fuck, yes! I mean, that'd be cool.
But please, don't make me regret - opening my heart to you.
- [GASPS.]
That's what Nathan says to Gustavo! Oh, my goodness! You really did read it.
I really did.
I can read.
Bet you didn't think You'd get your elbows so smooth But Soft Daddy's got you covered Just copy my moves - Uh-oh.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
Your dad's such a lady clown.
I can't believe you'd post something so private of your father.
He's very upset.
How could I be upset? Nicky's captured me at my most velvety.
Exactly.
It was an homage.
Oh, please.
Your father's ridiculous and you're making fun of him.
Give me the phone.
Now.
- No.
- Slap her hand away.
- Throw me at her face.
- Bite your mommy.
Bite her hard! - Give me that.
- No, I need it.
You can't do this! It's for your own good, Nicky.
This phone's a bad influence.
Nick, save me! I'll find you, baby.
I love you! And I love you.
Give your Soft Daddy a hug.
Ugh! You're slick like a seal.
Umpty, umpty! - If I'm a seal, then you're my ball.
- Oh! - Is this a dream? For me, it is.
- Oh! Uh! - [BARKING.]
- Play nice while Daddy's working, okay? Oh, I'm so psyched.
Look at me, Matt.
I'm making love to the snail.
Hey, Matthew.
Huh? He's already in "Le Slide".
- Mais non ! Zut alors.
- No, no, no.
I can't do this.
[WHIMPERS.]
Hey, Matthew.
You're not in charge anymore.
Look at my teeth.
Look at my teeth.
- I'm the captain now.
- Oh, God.
Yeah, that's how serious I am about this reference.
Now, get in the slide and suck that boy's face.
[YELPS.]
Hi.
Hey.
Thank you for joining me in this tubey slide.
Thank you for having me.
It's very plasticky.
Oh, man.
The sexual tension in here is electric.
I think that's static electricity.
- Ooh, Shock his cock.
- Shush.
Ooh, wait, you you have a, um something like a wood chip in your hair.
Oh, I thought I felt something.
I thought it was maybe a barrette.
- Uh - So Oh, God.
Maury, why am I shaking? Because it's gonna happen.
It's gonna happen! - Are you okay? - [GROANS.]
Um, I I I feel like I'm inside of a lunchbox.
- Oh.
- The light in here is making me nauseous.
I Okay, um, I gotta go.
- Oh.
Okay.
Um, bye.
- Yes, okay.
Bye.
Where the hell are you going? It was about to happen.
You kept shaking me.
You ruined it.
All you had to do was kiss a dude.
Most straight guys do it by accident.
- Stop being such a maniac.
- [BARKING.]
Don't yell at me in front of my penii.
They don't even know what we're saying.
They understand energy.
Okay, good.
They're gone.
My phone has gotta be somewhere in here.
Cellsea, where are you? Why don't you call her from the home phone, dummy? I don't know her number.
I don't know any numbers! That's one of the many reasons I need her.
[GASPS.]
That's it! Oh, find my phone app.
That's good! That's good! - That's my smart baby! - Sh! Listen.
[CELLSEA.]
Help, Nick.
Help me.
I'm coming.
Just keep talking, babe.
I'm up here.
Nick! I can't believe Diane crawled up in here.
- This way.
- Okay, I see you.
- I see you! - Hurry! It's so hot in here.
She put me in a box with your baby teeth.
[SNIFFLES.]
She's so crazy.
What? It's locked.
Damn! Your momma is not fuckin' around.
Ooh! "Nathan Fillion, his skin glistening with sweat beneath his mustard-colored caftan don't know what that is wanders through a Moorish bazaar also don't know what that is in search of " Yeah Gustavo.
Gustavo? Gustavo! - ¿Dónde estás, Gustavo? - [WHINNYING.]
Gustavo, is that you? Neigh, amor.
Claro que neigh [LAUGHS.]
They can steal your human form, old friend, but they could never steal your wit.
- [WHINNIES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mmm.
Warm.
Oh, they are gonna bone.
I can feel it.
"Nathan drapes a saddle on Gustavo's muscular equine back " Damn! " brushes Gustavo's coat " Oh, shit! " then pats him on the head and leaves to look at local tapestries"? Oh, come on! Fuck you, Missy! So, how was "Le Slide"? - He "le blew it.
" - Ugh, I went, but we didn't make out.
It was too weird.
What do you mean? Weird how? I don't know.
I just felt out of control.
Like Roseanne trying to get into a box of Raisinets.
That's called being horny.
Maybe that just means you like him, if I may be so bold? Ugh, I do.
And now it's over.
No, no, no.
no, no.
Let's think.
Maybe the slide was too public? I know.
What if you invited him over to "study"? - Wink, wink, wink, wink.
- Oh, yeah.
Great idea.
My dad would love it if I brought another "artistic boy" home.
Oh! You could say I'm coming, too.
Your dad loves me.
He said the Rapture can't happen without me and my people.
Yes, but you'll really come, right? Yeah, but I'm not gonna like watch you guys make out.
Hey.
Hey! Don't start negotiatin' against yourself here.
- [GRUNTING.]
- [CELLSEA.]
Nick, hurry! I'm at three percent.
Baby, just be strong! - If I don't make it out - [NICK.]
No! know that Wetzel's Pretzels followed you on Instagram.
Baby, hold on.
- You're pathetic.
- Ah! Are you gonna tell on me? What? Fuck, no.
I'm an agent of chaos, you little scrunt.
Oh, thank God! Give me those baby teeth.
- Are you okay? - No.
I'm exhausted.
Can you please just charge me? Sure, yeah, whatever you want.
Great, thanks.
The outlet's over there.
Let's start walkin'.
- First off, I loved it.
- You did? The writing's amazing.
I love the world.
- I love the characters.
- Great.
I do have a few notes, though, if you're open to hearing them.
I mean, I'm not really, like, in feedback mode right now.
Oh, yeah, totally.
I totally respect your process, but I did have one idea that I think you could really use.
- All right.
- And now, this is, like, the bad pitch version of it, but what if Nathan Fillion, like, full-on butt-fucks Gustavo in his butt? Don't answer yet, just think about it.
Huh.
Uh That's maybe not really, uh, this story.
What I mean is, like, the sentiment behind the note is that I want more heat.
Like, right now the story is at a simmer, and this shit could really boil.
So, going along that vein, what if Nathan grabbed Gustavo by, like, the scruff of the neck and then just kissed him passionately? With tongue, French-style, let's say.
Yes, that's even better! And, like, what if you, I don't know, threw, like, some sort of busty chick into the mix? Okay.
Well, Fatima is Gustavo's first love.
She's an astronomer, and her breasts are like Valencia oranges.
- Does that hit a nerve with you, or - Perfect.
Perfect.
I wanna see a strong female character who interacts with other female characters in a way that is not related to the men in the story, Missy.
- This could pass the Bechdel test.
- Wow.
And both of those women should get slammed.
It's a feminist allegory.
Jay, do you wanna, maybe, like, collaborate with me on this? Oh, my God.
Yes! 'Cause I have a shit ton of other ideas.
Okay.
Like, here's something I've never seen in literature.
A man's penis going inside of a horse's penis.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP.]
[MAURY.]
Uhhh.
You know what he wants.
Ugh.
Your breath is so fucking hot.
This is so fucking hot.
Linky your pinkies.
Now, ask if he wants to wrestle.
Throw him off a ladder.
Hit him with a chair, brother! - Aww.
Aren't they sweet? - They are.
- Get her the fuck out of here.
- Sweetie, let's go.
We gotta bounce.
Oh, yeah.
Right, okay.
Um I'm gonna go check the stocks market.
And I'm leaving.
Goodbye.
What a tender fucking moment, brother.
Oh, yeah! - Ugh.
- [CELLSEA.]
Oh.
You're not gonna like this.
Short Stack is in Montauk with Roland.
What? How do they even know each other? I don't know, but they seem pretty close.
Nicky, message Roland.
Tell her it looks fun.
Use some of them heart mamojies up in it.
Hey, Nick.
Uh, if you're just gonna be on your phone, - I can go home.
- Okay.
Whatever.
Oh.
Doesn't care.
Okay.
Figured he wouldn't, but it still stings.
[GASPS.]
Roland already wrote back.
She said, "You should come.
" Pssht.
You don't have the balls to go to Montauk.
I've got the balls.
I've got Montauk balls.
Your parents are at their lame-ass book club.
Let's go! Yes, a road trip is what we need, baby.
You can keep me plugged into the USB port the whole time.
I'll be so charged up.
- Okay, we're doing this.
Andrew.
- I'm still here.
I need you to get an Uber, so we can meet Roland in Montauk.
Hah, Nick, you think I have Uber? My dad thinks that taxis are for celebrities.
The human potato looks tall.
He could drive us.
[GASPS.]
You gotta drive my mom's car, then.
No, that's ridiculous.
Why is it ridiculous? 'Cause it's a ridiculous idea.
I don't do regular things.
Why would I do something out of the ordinary? Because I'm too small to reach the pedals, and, Andrew, you are a beast of a boy.
- Let go of my arm, man.
- No! You can do it.
- You're hurting me.
- You can do this, Andrew.
- I have to go to Montauk.
- I wanna hang out with Nick, but this is crazy, right? I don't know.
He's finally off his phone.
- Isn't that what you wanted? - Yeah, but And you wanna drive, baby.
Pull up to a beautiful lady at a stop light.
You lower your shades.
You give her a wink.
- What do you say? - I say "I love you so much.
" No, you fucking idiot.
- You say something sexy.
- Okay.
- Like, "What's up, baby?" - Where'd you get your shirt? Next thing you know, she's blowing you while you listen to a college basketball game on Sirius XM.
- Gonna get blown in a red car.
- Yeah Let's do it, Nick.
Let's do somethin' fuckin' crazy.
- Yeah, buddy.
Let's do it.
- One quick thing.
- Uh-huh? - I don't know how to drive at all, and I've never paid attention when someone else was.
- Tell the potato I'll get him a video.
- We'll figure it out.
Hello, Coach Steve.
In case you forget your memory, this is a video to remind you how to drive.
Oh, this isn't gonna help at all, but I gotta watch this.
I'm going to demonstrate using this pizza.
First, grab the pizza wheel and put your hands straight out like a mummy.
- [SIZZLING.]
- Ooh! I burned my peena.
- Who do you think these are for? - Hold on.
I gotta check something.
Hello, Coach Steve.
In case you forget your memory, this is what you do when you burn your peena with pizza.
Step one, drive to the hospital.
Look how slack his face is as he watches himself.
You remember how to drive, right? If not, watch this video below.
Hello, Coach Steve.
Okay.
I think we got it.
Question, would it be in Gustavo's character to sit in the corner, and quietly self-jack onto a silk pillow, while Nathan and Fatima stone-cold plow each other? I just think, if we are in outer space, we owe it to ourselves to write a zero-gravity 69 scene.
You know? It's, like, what are we doing here? And then, after Gustavo turns back into a man, he and Nathan should totally Bump uglies! [GIGGLES.]
Absolutely not.
Yeah, you're right.
- I'm sorry.
That was too far.
- They bump beautifuls.
[GASPS.]
You better put that in! Is what Gustavo should say.
I would like that very much! Is what Nathan should say.
Kimberley, I hate to say it to you, but go fish.
Well, hello, Jessi.
Oh, hi.
Hey, sweetie.
Are y'all done studying? No.
No, no, no.
I, um I just came down for - um, um a snack.
- Oh, you know, if y'all are hungry, I'm just gonna bring somethin' up for you and the boys.
No, we're good.
So, why am I still standing here? Oh, I know.
I've been meaning to ask you.
Um How do you make a marriage work? Well, interesting question, Jessela.
First thing you do is find the love of your life.
- And for me, that's the Navy.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- He's kidding, of course.
- Having a sense of humor - is key in a marriage.
- He wasn't always this funny.
When I first met him, he was a violent, angry man.
You know, Matthew used to have an older brother.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm kidding, Jessi! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [SNORTS.]
Sense of humor.
If we had a dead son, there'd be pictures of him everywhere.
[LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
Seat a little bit up.
- [WHIRRING.]
No, a little back.
- What is he doing? - Okay.
If I remember what Coach Steve said, hands at pepperoni and olive.
Great.
All right.
Let's go.
Let's go, buddy.
- You wanna give me a second? - Ugh.
What do these do? Whoa! Blue liquid.
Fun.
Everyone okay? Everyone's fine.
I'm sorry.
I just want everyone to be safe.
Oh, fuck safety.
Let's go! Andrew, let's get on the highway.
I wanna moon some truckers.
One second.
I'm figuring out the signals.
Ooh, I can't wait to feel my hot taint against the cool window.
What? Why is your taint hot? Andrew, just put the car into gear and What is "gear"? I don't know.
The letters in the middle there.
Just put it in the - [ANDREW.]
All right.
Press - It's probably the one right after P.
- Hold on.
- Yeah, just - press on this.
- There we go.
- R meaning rev the engine.
- Good.
It's fine.
Let's just do it.
[ALL YELLING.]
[ANDREW WHIMPERING.]
Uh, hold my coke.
Wait, you know what? Just put the coke up my nose.
Save it up my nose.
Haaaah.
[CAR PULLS UP.]
[DIANE.]
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened out here? - [HYPERVENTILATING.]
- Andrew, hey.
Eyes.
Look at me.
Just stay cool.
We don't know what happened, right? We know what happened.
We know what happened.
- No.
- Andrew drove the car.
Andrew drove your mom's car.
I betrayed her trust.
I'm gonna flip on everyone.
- I'm gonna tell - Hey, hey.
- Come here.
Andrew.
- I gotta cut a deal.
- Come here.
Shut up.
- Please, let me get away with it.
- Okay.
- You just relax, okay? - Yeah.
- You keep your mouth shut.
- Uh - Let Uncle Nicky take care of you, okay? Ooh.
Me likey when scary Nick takes control.
- Hey.
You shut the fuck up, too.
- [GIGGLES.]
Don't you talk to me like that.
I gotta put you away.
Oh, yeah.
Jam me in the couch like I'm your dirty little secret.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Ooh.
That phone's crazy.
[MISSY.]
And so, through the power of space technology [JAY.]
And also, like love? [MISSY.]
Gustavo's transformed into a nude human wearing only a weathered saddle.
[JAY.]
But still with a thick, girthy horse cock.
Whoa.
Gustavo.
Mmph.
Nathan.
[JAY.]
Nathan jumps into Gustavo's arms, and Gustavo carries him across the spaceship threshold to bump beautifuls? Hell-fuckin'-yeah, they do.
The end.
- You were right, Jay.
- I always am.
Nathan and Gustavo needed to be intimate with each other.
Great call.
You know what? We make a pretty good team.
Yeah.
There's something about you that makes me wanna, like, listen to the words that come out of your mouth.
What even is that? That, to me, sounds a lot like friendship.
You think? Huh.
How about that? I'm friends with a girl.
Wait a minute.
Does that make me gay? If you were, Jay, it'd be all right by me.
Uh what if I was bisexual? Does that make me gay? No, that would make you bisexual.
- Which I'm not.
- Okay.
Okay! Uh Why don't you let me know when you're feeling like you're ready to go, Jay? Who's Jay? I'm already gone.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP.]
Tongue him.
I can't take it anymore! Maurice Beverley.
I want to kiss him, okay? - I really, really want to.
- Great, then do it! But I can't if you keep making me so fucking crazy.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
[SIGHS.]
You're right.
I'm I'm just so excited.
Can I just stay and watch, if I'm quiet? Yeah, you better fuckin' watch.
Oh, I'm so proud of my boy.
How'd the garage door get smashed, Nicky? I don't know what you're talking about.
How did you get to be such a beautiful son? - I get it from my beautiful father.
- [SOBS.]
Okay, Mr.
Cool.
We're gonna go crack your sweaty friend like an egg.
Garage? What garage? The one right out there? Garaji P.
Henson? Why would I Why would I smash through a garage that I've named? - Elliot? - Andrew, I want you to know that I've always thought of you as one of my own children.
We did it.
I did it.
I drove the car, I put it in R.
- Andrew! - Nick stole his phone from the baby tooth box, and he saw this hot girl was in Montauk, so we took the car.
- I knew it! - We learned to drive on the internet! - Nick, where's that goddamn phone? - Don't tell her! - What phone? - Oh! So that's how you wanna play it.
[RINGING.]
- [SHRIEKS.]
Ah-ha-ha! Got it! - [GRUNTS.]
Nick, she's trying to break us up.
- She doesn't understand our love.
- [GROWLS.]
Uh-uh! Aah! - Ow! - Damn, your momma quick! Mom, stop it.
You're being crazy.
You're right, Nicholas.
I am crazy.
And this phone? I fuckin' hate it.
- No, don't! - [GRUNTS.]
Ow! She cracked my screen! Fucking bitch.
[YELLS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, my God! A murder! How do you like your precious phone now? Nick Cupertino [SLOWLY.]
Take me to Kanye Mom, please don't.
I love her.
Oh, Nick.
It's a thing and you don't love it, you're obsessed with it.
And it ends now.
- My phone! - [ELLIOT.]
My coffee table! - [DISTORTED.]
Oh, my God.
- [CRACKLING.]
- Go to your room.
- Mom! Baby, you need to shut the fuck up right now.
Take that little tushy upstairs.
- [GROWLS.]
Fuck! - That was wild.
What Diane did was was primal.
You should see her push a human life out of her birth canal.
I would like that very much.
We should "study" again soon.
I'd like that.
[BOTH.]
Bye.
Well, your parents' marriage is strong and, if I may speak freely, fuckin' weird.
Jessi, you fell on a grenade for me today, and it's so crazy, because that's something I would never do for you.
- Shut up.
Yes, you would.
- I know.
- Was it fun? - It was actually perfect.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Love you.
For he's a jolly gay homo For he's a jolly gay homo - For I'm a jolly gay homo - For he's a jolly gay homo - This song is public domain - [LAUGHS.]
Oh, put me down.
Put me down! Great work out there today, Matt.
Couldn't have done it without you, Maurice.
Now, let's go yank it to Aiden.
Fuckin' A! That's what I'm talkin' about.
I love you, man.
My fingertips and my lips They burn from the cigarettes Forrest Gump, you run my mind, boy Runnin' on my mind, boy Forrest Gump, forest green Forest blues I'm rememberin' you If this is love I know it's true I won't forget you Ooh [KAZOO PLAYS.]
[PHONE ALARM CHIMING.]
[SNIFFS.]
Mm Good morning, Nick.
I have so much to show you.
I wanna see it all.
- Well, follow me.
- [GROANS.]
You're already behind.
- I'll follow you anywhere.
- [LAUGHS.]
[YELLS.]
- Oof.
- Oh, Nick.
The world is on fire.
- [SIRENS AND EXPLOSION.]
- But so is Steph Curry.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Mm.
Come swipe me for more rock-hard content.
How did I wake into this dream? - You like this? - Uh-huh.
How about this? I like all of it.
Mm.
I know exactly what you want and what you need.
[GASPS.]
- Do you love me, Nicky? - I'm obsessed with you.
[WHISPERS.]
Perfect.
[DIANE.]
Nicky? Nicky? Nicky, we're late! - Ow! - What are you still doing in bed? - Put down that phone.
- Ugh! Your mom totally hates me.
Who cares? Her opinion means shit to me.
Then keep scrolling, 'cause you'll never believe how fat these ten civil rights heroes got.
I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh [KIMBERLEY.]
Matthew, time for kindergarten! Bye, Harry Potter.
Matthew, time for tap class! Bye, Nick Jonas.
Matthew, time for school! - Okay, I'm coming.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Aren't you gonna kiss the door jamb and pretend it's your crush? - Oh, it's so stupid.
- Come on! You've been doing it forever.
"Bye, Aiden.
" Oh, God, no.
If I pretend it's Aiden, then it's a whole thing.
Why don't you start with half your thing? Then, if he relaxes, maybe he'll take the whole thing.
Jesus.
Aiden and I haven't even kissed yet.
- I haven't kissed anyone.
- What about Jay? No, no, no, no.
no.
Kissing Jay is like eating McDonald's at the airport.
It doesn't fucking count.
And then you fart so hard on the plane, all the masks drop? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Ugh, God.
So, I told Grandma, "You can't keep a microwave on your nightstand.
" Nick, stop lookin' at real stuff out the window.
Look at this video.
This kid calls himself Short Stack.
Is that all he does, eat pancakes? [CELLSEA.]
Yeah, but then he pukes them up on his friends.
He's pretty popular.
Oh, look at all them likes.
He's got 20,000 followers.
Why can't we ever do something cool and viral together? I would totally do a video with you.
Oh, you'd totally do a video with me? Yeah.
What what should we do? Oh, now I'm supposed to have all the ideas? - No, I I just - You have to think of your own content.
Ooh! We could throw a towel up in the air higher than it's ever been.
- What? - So, we're thinking, why tell Grandma about the cancer when she doesn't even know where she is, right? - Wow, that's really exciting.
- Bye, Nicky.
Have a great day with your phone.
So glad I opened up to you about my dying mother.
- [NICK.]
Okay.
- You little fuck.
[MISSY.]
Nathan Fillion had been time-traveling the galaxy for eons and had grown quite lonely.
Oh, Gustavo.
[MISSY.]
Nathan and Gustavo had met only once, while buying saffron at a 7th-century spice market.
But Nathan couldn't get that muscular horse out of his mind Missy, what are you doing over there all scribbling away? What? Nothing.
I'm actually just It's something for myself, private.
Lamies and gentlejerks.
Who's gonna pick a card? - Well? How 'bout it, Nick? - I don't care.
Uh, Nick's still preoccupied with his phone, but he's always got time for a best-bud fist bump.
No? Fists? Come on, please? All right, rain-check that fist bump.
Another day.
We will do it.
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Never mind.
I'll pick the card.
And boom! Disappeared! Okay.
Can we please go to class now? No! I haven't gotten to the prestige.
Now, if we just look in Missy's old-timey notebook here Holy shit, I did it! [GASPS.]
Gaia dang it, Jay! That's my private property.
Missy, calm down.
It's just a stupid notebook.
Stop overreacting, or I'll fucking kill you! So, why were you off today? Is it, like, the Pope's birthday or something? Well, my school put up a more "body-positive" Jesus in the chapel, and it fell on Father Lucien.
But did Daddy Lucien like it? - Daddy did.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
So, do you, maybe, wanna meet up at Rosa Parks Park tomorrow, after school? Um Yeah.
That sounds great.
Okay, cool.
Uh, I gotta go.
- Oh.
- But not an awkward "gotta go.
" - Uh.
like, I really gotta go, so - Totally.
- Um, see you tomorrow.
- Yes, yes.
It's a date.
- Byeeee.
- Byeeee.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, quick.
Jerk it to Aiden while his voice is still fresh in your head.
- What? No.
- Ooh! Did you take any screenshots of him with his mouth open? Maury, calm down.
You're putting too much pressure on me.
Pressure, yes.
Let's get your mom's panini press.
We'll make a pan-enis.
The house will smell for weeks.
Ugh, what the hell has gotten into you? I'm jazzed, man.
It's your first date.
It is kind of exciting.
What are you gonna wear? What am I gonna wear? [GASPS.]
What are my dicks gonna wear? Probably just, like, a cute top and jeans.
[CELLSEA.]
I'm so bored.
Post something, babe.
Babe, what do you want me to post? This guy took a selfie on the tip of the Seattle Space Needle.
- Whatchu got? - I don't now, but that sounds terrifying.
Yeah, well, you need to take risks if you wanna get attention, dude.
Do something cool, you fuckin' shit.
Look, I don't want you to feel bored.
I want you to scare me, Nick.
I don't wanna feel safe with you.
[ELLIOT.]
First comes the baby oil On places big and small Next comes the lotion Don't forget the balls Take the time to do it right Soft Daddy thinks you'll find You'll be smooth as baby skin From kisser to behind [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, your dad's like a serial killer.
He's hilarious.
You have to put this online.
I don't know.
This seems, like, profoundly private.
Jesus! You never wanna do anything I wanna do.
- Are you kidding me? - Do you even fucking love me? Of course I do.
I love you so much.
Then fucking do it.
For me.
[ELLIOT.]
One and two refrain! Elliot, you're as smooth as hell What's your secret? Sh! Soft Daddy never tells [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
So, me and Aiden are going to the playground after school.
Oooh! Are you going to "Le Slide"? Why are you saying it like that? Uh, because the slide is where all the eighth graders go to French kiss.
Ooh-la-la! My French penis is très excited.
Oh, I love a cigarette.
Oh, God.
Why is there no spit in my mouth? Because it's going straight to your balls.
It's turning into cum.
- Eyebrows, eyebrows.
- Aw, Matthew! I've never seen you nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I'm just uncertain how things will go and, therefore, deeply terrified.
Well, I think you should go and definitely make out with him, and then definitely tell me all about it.
Yeah, I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? You wanna lip-fuck his yapper.
- Fine, I'll go.
- Yes! Vive la France ! Let them eat cock.
- Oh, I get it, Maury Antoinette? - Oui.
- Good one.
- It's my drag name.
Hey, Nick.
Paging Dr.
Nick.
Patient Glouberman desperately needs your attention.
I need a a hot Nick injection.
Uh, no No, that didn't come out right.
Ooh, Soft Daddy got so many likes! Eh.
Not like it went viral or anything.
But it still could go viral.
Oh, my God.
It's bumming me out that you think that.
I don't wanna bum you out.
I I just wanna make you happy.
Holy shit, Nick! I tried your dad's skincare routine and it's, like, amazing.
From kisser to behi-i-ind [CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Missy.
- I wound up with a page of - That's not yours.
- Give that back! - I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
Fuck you! I really liked it, though.
- You did? - Yeah.
Especially the romantic parts with Nathan and Gustavo.
Are you making fun of me? 'Cause I wasn't sure you knew how to read.
Are you kidding? This half a page is my favorite book.
Wow, Jay.
That's very flattering.
Does the horse go into space? Because you've made Nathan into a character I can really root for, and I just want him to be happy.
He's gonna be happy.
This isn't some Damon Lindelof Lost bull honky.
I know where I'm goin'.
I'm not gonna smoke-monster this thing.
Missy, if you don't let me read the rest of your hot, horse-on-guy, Spanish space epic, I'm gonna set myself on fire.
- Jay, I respect your passion.
- Thank you.
But I don't know if I can trust you with something so private.
You can trust me.
I have big-ass secrets, like, way bigger than your stupid stories that I fucking love.
- Okay.
- Fuck, yes! I mean, that'd be cool.
But please, don't make me regret - opening my heart to you.
- [GASPS.]
That's what Nathan says to Gustavo! Oh, my goodness! You really did read it.
I really did.
I can read.
Bet you didn't think You'd get your elbows so smooth But Soft Daddy's got you covered Just copy my moves - Uh-oh.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
Your dad's such a lady clown.
I can't believe you'd post something so private of your father.
He's very upset.
How could I be upset? Nicky's captured me at my most velvety.
Exactly.
It was an homage.
Oh, please.
Your father's ridiculous and you're making fun of him.
Give me the phone.
Now.
- No.
- Slap her hand away.
- Throw me at her face.
- Bite your mommy.
Bite her hard! - Give me that.
- No, I need it.
You can't do this! It's for your own good, Nicky.
This phone's a bad influence.
Nick, save me! I'll find you, baby.
I love you! And I love you.
Give your Soft Daddy a hug.
Ugh! You're slick like a seal.
Umpty, umpty! - If I'm a seal, then you're my ball.
- Oh! - Is this a dream? For me, it is.
- Oh! Uh! - [BARKING.]
- Play nice while Daddy's working, okay? Oh, I'm so psyched.
Look at me, Matt.
I'm making love to the snail.
Hey, Matthew.
Huh? He's already in "Le Slide".
- Mais non ! Zut alors.
- No, no, no.
I can't do this.
[WHIMPERS.]
Hey, Matthew.
You're not in charge anymore.
Look at my teeth.
Look at my teeth.
- I'm the captain now.
- Oh, God.
Yeah, that's how serious I am about this reference.
Now, get in the slide and suck that boy's face.
[YELPS.]
Hi.
Hey.
Thank you for joining me in this tubey slide.
Thank you for having me.
It's very plasticky.
Oh, man.
The sexual tension in here is electric.
I think that's static electricity.
- Ooh, Shock his cock.
- Shush.
Ooh, wait, you you have a, um something like a wood chip in your hair.
Oh, I thought I felt something.
I thought it was maybe a barrette.
- Uh - So Oh, God.
Maury, why am I shaking? Because it's gonna happen.
It's gonna happen! - Are you okay? - [GROANS.]
Um, I I I feel like I'm inside of a lunchbox.
- Oh.
- The light in here is making me nauseous.
I Okay, um, I gotta go.
- Oh.
Okay.
Um, bye.
- Yes, okay.
Bye.
Where the hell are you going? It was about to happen.
You kept shaking me.
You ruined it.
All you had to do was kiss a dude.
Most straight guys do it by accident.
- Stop being such a maniac.
- [BARKING.]
Don't yell at me in front of my penii.
They don't even know what we're saying.
They understand energy.
Okay, good.
They're gone.
My phone has gotta be somewhere in here.
Cellsea, where are you? Why don't you call her from the home phone, dummy? I don't know her number.
I don't know any numbers! That's one of the many reasons I need her.
[GASPS.]
That's it! Oh, find my phone app.
That's good! That's good! - That's my smart baby! - Sh! Listen.
[CELLSEA.]
Help, Nick.
Help me.
I'm coming.
Just keep talking, babe.
I'm up here.
Nick! I can't believe Diane crawled up in here.
- This way.
- Okay, I see you.
- I see you! - Hurry! It's so hot in here.
She put me in a box with your baby teeth.
[SNIFFLES.]
She's so crazy.
What? It's locked.
Damn! Your momma is not fuckin' around.
Ooh! "Nathan Fillion, his skin glistening with sweat beneath his mustard-colored caftan don't know what that is wanders through a Moorish bazaar also don't know what that is in search of " Yeah Gustavo.
Gustavo? Gustavo! - ¿Dónde estás, Gustavo? - [WHINNYING.]
Gustavo, is that you? Neigh, amor.
Claro que neigh [LAUGHS.]
They can steal your human form, old friend, but they could never steal your wit.
- [WHINNIES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mmm.
Warm.
Oh, they are gonna bone.
I can feel it.
"Nathan drapes a saddle on Gustavo's muscular equine back " Damn! " brushes Gustavo's coat " Oh, shit! " then pats him on the head and leaves to look at local tapestries"? Oh, come on! Fuck you, Missy! So, how was "Le Slide"? - He "le blew it.
" - Ugh, I went, but we didn't make out.
It was too weird.
What do you mean? Weird how? I don't know.
I just felt out of control.
Like Roseanne trying to get into a box of Raisinets.
That's called being horny.
Maybe that just means you like him, if I may be so bold? Ugh, I do.
And now it's over.
No, no, no.
no, no.
Let's think.
Maybe the slide was too public? I know.
What if you invited him over to "study"? - Wink, wink, wink, wink.
- Oh, yeah.
Great idea.
My dad would love it if I brought another "artistic boy" home.
Oh! You could say I'm coming, too.
Your dad loves me.
He said the Rapture can't happen without me and my people.
Yes, but you'll really come, right? Yeah, but I'm not gonna like watch you guys make out.
Hey.
Hey! Don't start negotiatin' against yourself here.
- [GRUNTING.]
- [CELLSEA.]
Nick, hurry! I'm at three percent.
Baby, just be strong! - If I don't make it out - [NICK.]
No! know that Wetzel's Pretzels followed you on Instagram.
Baby, hold on.
- You're pathetic.
- Ah! Are you gonna tell on me? What? Fuck, no.
I'm an agent of chaos, you little scrunt.
Oh, thank God! Give me those baby teeth.
- Are you okay? - No.
I'm exhausted.
Can you please just charge me? Sure, yeah, whatever you want.
Great, thanks.
The outlet's over there.
Let's start walkin'.
- First off, I loved it.
- You did? The writing's amazing.
I love the world.
- I love the characters.
- Great.
I do have a few notes, though, if you're open to hearing them.
I mean, I'm not really, like, in feedback mode right now.
Oh, yeah, totally.
I totally respect your process, but I did have one idea that I think you could really use.
- All right.
- And now, this is, like, the bad pitch version of it, but what if Nathan Fillion, like, full-on butt-fucks Gustavo in his butt? Don't answer yet, just think about it.
Huh.
Uh That's maybe not really, uh, this story.
What I mean is, like, the sentiment behind the note is that I want more heat.
Like, right now the story is at a simmer, and this shit could really boil.
So, going along that vein, what if Nathan grabbed Gustavo by, like, the scruff of the neck and then just kissed him passionately? With tongue, French-style, let's say.
Yes, that's even better! And, like, what if you, I don't know, threw, like, some sort of busty chick into the mix? Okay.
Well, Fatima is Gustavo's first love.
She's an astronomer, and her breasts are like Valencia oranges.
- Does that hit a nerve with you, or - Perfect.
Perfect.
I wanna see a strong female character who interacts with other female characters in a way that is not related to the men in the story, Missy.
- This could pass the Bechdel test.
- Wow.
And both of those women should get slammed.
It's a feminist allegory.
Jay, do you wanna, maybe, like, collaborate with me on this? Oh, my God.
Yes! 'Cause I have a shit ton of other ideas.
Okay.
Like, here's something I've never seen in literature.
A man's penis going inside of a horse's penis.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP.]
[MAURY.]
Uhhh.
You know what he wants.
Ugh.
Your breath is so fucking hot.
This is so fucking hot.
Linky your pinkies.
Now, ask if he wants to wrestle.
Throw him off a ladder.
Hit him with a chair, brother! - Aww.
Aren't they sweet? - They are.
- Get her the fuck out of here.
- Sweetie, let's go.
We gotta bounce.
Oh, yeah.
Right, okay.
Um I'm gonna go check the stocks market.
And I'm leaving.
Goodbye.
What a tender fucking moment, brother.
Oh, yeah! - Ugh.
- [CELLSEA.]
Oh.
You're not gonna like this.
Short Stack is in Montauk with Roland.
What? How do they even know each other? I don't know, but they seem pretty close.
Nicky, message Roland.
Tell her it looks fun.
Use some of them heart mamojies up in it.
Hey, Nick.
Uh, if you're just gonna be on your phone, - I can go home.
- Okay.
Whatever.
Oh.
Doesn't care.
Okay.
Figured he wouldn't, but it still stings.
[GASPS.]
Roland already wrote back.
She said, "You should come.
" Pssht.
You don't have the balls to go to Montauk.
I've got the balls.
I've got Montauk balls.
Your parents are at their lame-ass book club.
Let's go! Yes, a road trip is what we need, baby.
You can keep me plugged into the USB port the whole time.
I'll be so charged up.
- Okay, we're doing this.
Andrew.
- I'm still here.
I need you to get an Uber, so we can meet Roland in Montauk.
Hah, Nick, you think I have Uber? My dad thinks that taxis are for celebrities.
The human potato looks tall.
He could drive us.
[GASPS.]
You gotta drive my mom's car, then.
No, that's ridiculous.
Why is it ridiculous? 'Cause it's a ridiculous idea.
I don't do regular things.
Why would I do something out of the ordinary? Because I'm too small to reach the pedals, and, Andrew, you are a beast of a boy.
- Let go of my arm, man.
- No! You can do it.
- You're hurting me.
- You can do this, Andrew.
- I have to go to Montauk.
- I wanna hang out with Nick, but this is crazy, right? I don't know.
He's finally off his phone.
- Isn't that what you wanted? - Yeah, but And you wanna drive, baby.
Pull up to a beautiful lady at a stop light.
You lower your shades.
You give her a wink.
- What do you say? - I say "I love you so much.
" No, you fucking idiot.
- You say something sexy.
- Okay.
- Like, "What's up, baby?" - Where'd you get your shirt? Next thing you know, she's blowing you while you listen to a college basketball game on Sirius XM.
- Gonna get blown in a red car.
- Yeah Let's do it, Nick.
Let's do somethin' fuckin' crazy.
- Yeah, buddy.
Let's do it.
- One quick thing.
- Uh-huh? - I don't know how to drive at all, and I've never paid attention when someone else was.
- Tell the potato I'll get him a video.
- We'll figure it out.
Hello, Coach Steve.
In case you forget your memory, this is a video to remind you how to drive.
Oh, this isn't gonna help at all, but I gotta watch this.
I'm going to demonstrate using this pizza.
First, grab the pizza wheel and put your hands straight out like a mummy.
- [SIZZLING.]
- Ooh! I burned my peena.
- Who do you think these are for? - Hold on.
I gotta check something.
Hello, Coach Steve.
In case you forget your memory, this is what you do when you burn your peena with pizza.
Step one, drive to the hospital.
Look how slack his face is as he watches himself.
You remember how to drive, right? If not, watch this video below.
Hello, Coach Steve.
Okay.
I think we got it.
Question, would it be in Gustavo's character to sit in the corner, and quietly self-jack onto a silk pillow, while Nathan and Fatima stone-cold plow each other? I just think, if we are in outer space, we owe it to ourselves to write a zero-gravity 69 scene.
You know? It's, like, what are we doing here? And then, after Gustavo turns back into a man, he and Nathan should totally Bump uglies! [GIGGLES.]
Absolutely not.
Yeah, you're right.
- I'm sorry.
That was too far.
- They bump beautifuls.
[GASPS.]
You better put that in! Is what Gustavo should say.
I would like that very much! Is what Nathan should say.
Kimberley, I hate to say it to you, but go fish.
Well, hello, Jessi.
Oh, hi.
Hey, sweetie.
Are y'all done studying? No.
No, no, no.
I, um I just came down for - um, um a snack.
- Oh, you know, if y'all are hungry, I'm just gonna bring somethin' up for you and the boys.
No, we're good.
So, why am I still standing here? Oh, I know.
I've been meaning to ask you.
Um How do you make a marriage work? Well, interesting question, Jessela.
First thing you do is find the love of your life.
- And for me, that's the Navy.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- He's kidding, of course.
- Having a sense of humor - is key in a marriage.
- He wasn't always this funny.
When I first met him, he was a violent, angry man.
You know, Matthew used to have an older brother.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm kidding, Jessi! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [SNORTS.]
Sense of humor.
If we had a dead son, there'd be pictures of him everywhere.
[LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
Seat a little bit up.
- [WHIRRING.]
No, a little back.
- What is he doing? - Okay.
If I remember what Coach Steve said, hands at pepperoni and olive.
Great.
All right.
Let's go.
Let's go, buddy.
- You wanna give me a second? - Ugh.
What do these do? Whoa! Blue liquid.
Fun.
Everyone okay? Everyone's fine.
I'm sorry.
I just want everyone to be safe.
Oh, fuck safety.
Let's go! Andrew, let's get on the highway.
I wanna moon some truckers.
One second.
I'm figuring out the signals.
Ooh, I can't wait to feel my hot taint against the cool window.
What? Why is your taint hot? Andrew, just put the car into gear and What is "gear"? I don't know.
The letters in the middle there.
Just put it in the - [ANDREW.]
All right.
Press - It's probably the one right after P.
- Hold on.
- Yeah, just - press on this.
- There we go.
- R meaning rev the engine.
- Good.
It's fine.
Let's just do it.
[ALL YELLING.]
[ANDREW WHIMPERING.]
Uh, hold my coke.
Wait, you know what? Just put the coke up my nose.
Save it up my nose.
Haaaah.
[CAR PULLS UP.]
[DIANE.]
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened out here? - [HYPERVENTILATING.]
- Andrew, hey.
Eyes.
Look at me.
Just stay cool.
We don't know what happened, right? We know what happened.
We know what happened.
- No.
- Andrew drove the car.
Andrew drove your mom's car.
I betrayed her trust.
I'm gonna flip on everyone.
- I'm gonna tell - Hey, hey.
- Come here.
Andrew.
- I gotta cut a deal.
- Come here.
Shut up.
- Please, let me get away with it.
- Okay.
- You just relax, okay? - Yeah.
- You keep your mouth shut.
- Uh - Let Uncle Nicky take care of you, okay? Ooh.
Me likey when scary Nick takes control.
- Hey.
You shut the fuck up, too.
- [GIGGLES.]
Don't you talk to me like that.
I gotta put you away.
Oh, yeah.
Jam me in the couch like I'm your dirty little secret.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Ooh.
That phone's crazy.
[MISSY.]
And so, through the power of space technology [JAY.]
And also, like love? [MISSY.]
Gustavo's transformed into a nude human wearing only a weathered saddle.
[JAY.]
But still with a thick, girthy horse cock.
Whoa.
Gustavo.
Mmph.
Nathan.
[JAY.]
Nathan jumps into Gustavo's arms, and Gustavo carries him across the spaceship threshold to bump beautifuls? Hell-fuckin'-yeah, they do.
The end.
- You were right, Jay.
- I always am.
Nathan and Gustavo needed to be intimate with each other.
Great call.
You know what? We make a pretty good team.
Yeah.
There's something about you that makes me wanna, like, listen to the words that come out of your mouth.
What even is that? That, to me, sounds a lot like friendship.
You think? Huh.
How about that? I'm friends with a girl.
Wait a minute.
Does that make me gay? If you were, Jay, it'd be all right by me.
Uh what if I was bisexual? Does that make me gay? No, that would make you bisexual.
- Which I'm not.
- Okay.
Okay! Uh Why don't you let me know when you're feeling like you're ready to go, Jay? Who's Jay? I'm already gone.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP.]
Tongue him.
I can't take it anymore! Maurice Beverley.
I want to kiss him, okay? - I really, really want to.
- Great, then do it! But I can't if you keep making me so fucking crazy.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
[SIGHS.]
You're right.
I'm I'm just so excited.
Can I just stay and watch, if I'm quiet? Yeah, you better fuckin' watch.
Oh, I'm so proud of my boy.
How'd the garage door get smashed, Nicky? I don't know what you're talking about.
How did you get to be such a beautiful son? - I get it from my beautiful father.
- [SOBS.]
Okay, Mr.
Cool.
We're gonna go crack your sweaty friend like an egg.
Garage? What garage? The one right out there? Garaji P.
Henson? Why would I Why would I smash through a garage that I've named? - Elliot? - Andrew, I want you to know that I've always thought of you as one of my own children.
We did it.
I did it.
I drove the car, I put it in R.
- Andrew! - Nick stole his phone from the baby tooth box, and he saw this hot girl was in Montauk, so we took the car.
- I knew it! - We learned to drive on the internet! - Nick, where's that goddamn phone? - Don't tell her! - What phone? - Oh! So that's how you wanna play it.
[RINGING.]
- [SHRIEKS.]
Ah-ha-ha! Got it! - [GRUNTS.]
Nick, she's trying to break us up.
- She doesn't understand our love.
- [GROWLS.]
Uh-uh! Aah! - Ow! - Damn, your momma quick! Mom, stop it.
You're being crazy.
You're right, Nicholas.
I am crazy.
And this phone? I fuckin' hate it.
- No, don't! - [GRUNTS.]
Ow! She cracked my screen! Fucking bitch.
[YELLS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, my God! A murder! How do you like your precious phone now? Nick Cupertino [SLOWLY.]
Take me to Kanye Mom, please don't.
I love her.
Oh, Nick.
It's a thing and you don't love it, you're obsessed with it.
And it ends now.
- My phone! - [ELLIOT.]
My coffee table! - [DISTORTED.]
Oh, my God.
- [CRACKLING.]
- Go to your room.
- Mom! Baby, you need to shut the fuck up right now.
Take that little tushy upstairs.
- [GROWLS.]
Fuck! - That was wild.
What Diane did was was primal.
You should see her push a human life out of her birth canal.
I would like that very much.
We should "study" again soon.
I'd like that.
[BOTH.]
Bye.
Well, your parents' marriage is strong and, if I may speak freely, fuckin' weird.
Jessi, you fell on a grenade for me today, and it's so crazy, because that's something I would never do for you.
- Shut up.
Yes, you would.
- I know.
- Was it fun? - It was actually perfect.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Love you.
For he's a jolly gay homo For he's a jolly gay homo - For I'm a jolly gay homo - For he's a jolly gay homo - This song is public domain - [LAUGHS.]
Oh, put me down.
Put me down! Great work out there today, Matt.
Couldn't have done it without you, Maurice.
Now, let's go yank it to Aiden.
Fuckin' A! That's what I'm talkin' about.
I love you, man.
My fingertips and my lips They burn from the cigarettes Forrest Gump, you run my mind, boy Runnin' on my mind, boy Forrest Gump, forest green Forest blues I'm rememberin' you If this is love I know it's true I won't forget you Ooh [KAZOO PLAYS.]