Black Jesus (2014) s03e04 Episode Script

1 [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
WOMAN: Our next stop on our Southern California "Yo Home Slice" Ghetto Gear and Weed Tasting Tour is the notorious New Compton Gardens, a hot bed of drugs, violence, cut-rate weed, and designer knock-offs.
To my left are genuine African-American drug dealers.
- The average life-span - She must really dig it.
of a ghetto drug dealer is 28.
So, obviously, the two men you see here are well past their prime.
The residents of this complex are, in many ways, prisoners in their own homes, in constant fear of gang violence.
[TOURISTS OOH-ING AND AHH-ING.]
Time to make mama proud.
[CHUCKLES.]
WOMAN: Taste, please? [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
- That's some Fantastic right there.
- Oh, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ahhh.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- Gang face, Yoga Bitches! - Get down! - Duck! [GUNFIRE.]
- Get down, everyone! - Let's see what happens! [TOURISTS OOH-ING AND AHH-ING.]
[YOGA BITCHES WHOOPING.]
[TOURISTS CHEERING, LAUGHING.]
That was real gangsta hood shit! [LAUGHTER.]
This craziness needs to stop! Y'all was applauding a drive-by? [GASPS.]
- Y'all are crazy! - Thank you! Sayonara! - Thank you! - Thank you! Hey, she didn't pay me for my weed! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Lloyd! What? As you know, we just experienced some incoming fire from a local gang.
That's them bitches in spandex.
Well, them bitches in spandex got guns, and they will be back.
I'm suggesting an armed special show of forces.
I call it "Operation: Shut'em-down.
" It provides multiple layers of security.
Layer one, the Word Keepers.
You know what? Them young punks don't know they ass from a hole in the ground! No.
But look they don't got to.
'Cause of this.
[LOUD CREAK.]
Damn, M-Track! What the hell is that? And unmanned reconnaissance vehicle with visual surveillance capabilities.
In other words, it's a drone.
Yeah, man, it's custom-designed to keep an eye on things around here.
Look at this.
See, it looks like trash on the ground Uh-huh.
then, when you move the bitch like this [DRONE WHIRRING.]
that bitch look like a kite from the bottom when you see it in the air.
Look at that.
Ain't that a bitch.
L-look, look.
I see I see a bald spot! Clever, right? Who the hell fly a kite in the hood? You should've made it look like a pair of tennis shoes hanging on some telephone wires.
- [AIRPLANE RUMBLING.]
- Uh-oh.
Oh, damn.
Oh.
Oh, damn.
I got to go.
Hey, no, no, no, man.
Come here, man.
Look.
I'm trying to tell you my new plans for increased security with Operation: Shut'em-down.
Ambro, you are head of security.
Do everything you can to keep everything secure.
All right? Bye.
All right.
It's time to take the streets back.
And if not, at least shoot some shit up.
[GROANS.]
Can't get away from Darby.
Oh, what am I gonna do now? Maybe some TV on.
Let me check this TV out.
[GRUNTS.]
All right.
What do we got here? - [TV TURNS ON.]
- Oh, yeah, Look at that.
"Real Ho Wives of Atlanta.
" They put the "trifle" in "triflin'," the "get" in "ghetto, and the "hoe" in ho-ho Hold it a minute.
[SNIFFS.]
I smell ass.
I didn't know they made a scratch-and-sniff television! What the [SNIFFING.]
Nice fragrance, too.
Smell like Darby.
What the hell going on? That's some Jesus bullshit.
First he take my desire to get drunk, then he taunt me with some booty-crack smellin' like Darby.
Oh, that's some cold shit to do to a man.
And he ain't gonna get away with it.
He ain't gonna get away with it.
Jesus! I'ma get drunk.
You ain't gonna stop me from getting drunk.
Tell you that.
[GRUNTS.]
I'ma get drunk.
Mm.
Mm.
Yep.
Let me see.
Oh, that looks good.
Um So, these are quarters, right? And these go over here.
And we need some eighths.
Yeah.
And these go over here.
Okay, Daddy! [CHUCKLING.]
All right.
I love you, baby.
You doing a good job with that dope.
- Uh - [DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I was hoping Rihanna come through the door.
Even with Jesus as your best friend, that ain't gonna never happen.
Hey, Mommy, look! This is a quarter.
This is seventh.
Uh, th-that's an eighth, sweetie.
Boonie, you teaching your little girl how to bag weed?! Look, she bagging it, not smoking it.
Besides, it's good math practice.
Fractions and stuff.
Her teacher told us to pay extra attention to the math, remember? So I'm preparing her for school and us for that parent-teacher conference we got.
You not preparing her for that.
You preparing her for a life of crime, Boonie, and us a visit from Child Protection Services! Boonlinka, put that down.
Come on.
Your daddy gon' have you in foster care.
Boonie, I'm 'bout to drop her off at my mama's house, and I'ma come back and get you so we can go to this parent-teacher conference at the school.
And be ready! Big earrings, big mouth [DOOR CLOSES.]
big back.
- Got it? - Good work, Word Keepers! AMBRO: Keep it up! That car goes to checkpoint Bravo, that sofa to checkpoint Charlie.
- Yeah.
- Hey! - What's your name? - Roger that.
Scambro? Ambro.
Ms.
Booty, right? The name is Ms.
Tudi.
- Right.
- What is all this? A garage sale? Oh, nah.
These are vehicle checkpoints.
This is Operation: Shut'em-down.
Shut'em-down.
The Word Keepers are gonna be occupying the control points of this area.
So that way, no unauthorized vehicles will be able to get through.
For how long? All day.
- All day? - All day.
Ain't gon' be no drive-bys while I am in charge of security - for this complex.
- No drive-bys! Who is this nigga? Oh, that's Clancy.
That's my second in command.
- [TIRES SQUEAL.]
- Crazy-ass motherfucker Ooh.
Now, if you'll excuse me, uh, duty calls.
You's a crazy-ass nigga.
Stupid Anthrax.
Have a good day, Ms.
Booty.
Nigga, don't have me come in there and knock over your wheelchair, hear? Still here to protect you, Ms.
Booty.
And all that ass.
- I heard that! - [SNICKERS.]
If you don't live here, you can turn around and get the fuck out.
[DRONE WHIRRING.]
Fuck! Damn it, Clancy! This is an integral piece of our operation, man! I thought you said you flew one of these in the Air Force! I-I did, but I flew in the plane, not below it! LLOYD: Internet say I can get drunk.
Just follow the instructions.
Paprika.
Oooh, boy! Cinnamon.
Yes, indeedy.
All right.
Some sugar.
Chicharrón.
A little crushed garlic.
And look at that That Damn Devil.
[STIRRING.]
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
[SLURPS.]
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Damn you, Internet! I ain't get drunk off this shit! Agh! All right.
Listen up.
This is it.
This is the turning point.
This where it's all gonna get better.
If Scambro and his soldiers of misfortune don't fuck it up.
But we just got shot at again this morning, Ms.
Tudi.
What if the Yoga Ladies come back trippin'? Baby, they got that out of the way early.
They ain't coming back.
But this nigga's dumb-ass operation could cost me my sale.
Listen here.
In less than an hour, I got carload of horny senior citizens coming, and they're expecting suitcases of weed and Viagra.
How 'bout you call the senior citizens and tell them we gonna move the sale to another location, huh? You don't understand how skittish these old players are! Plus, they don't even know the shit is basically legal.
So if anything changes, anything, they gone for good.
And then I'm stuck with suitcases full of punk-ass weed and penis pills.
Nigga, what are you doing?! Ms.
Tudi, is these Vitamin V even really real? I mean, the instructions ain't even in English.
Jesus, foreigners like sex, too.
I'm just saying, Ms.
Tudi, I'ma feel real bad if these pills are counterfeit and these old folks can't get nothing up but they hopes.
Boonie, try one of those.
See if it's real.
So you just gonna experiment on your son, Ms.
Tudi? Come on.
What? Your father killed his.
- Ah Hey.
- Mm-hmm.
He the only one with a dick, okay? - Hm? - A dick that work.
Boonie, I said take "one"! [FARTING.]
Nothing can cut the smell of this shit [SNIFFING.]
- [FARTS.]
- Mmm.
but Darby! [SNIFFING.]
I smell Darby.
I know there's none here.
But I'ma track it down no matter what it takes.
I'ma be like a hound dog to get that Darby.
[HOWLS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Darby! I'm coming to get your fine ass! Yes, I am.
- Ooooh-whoo! - Get it locked down.
AMBRO: Look at that pretty ghetto bird.
Yeah, make that barricade a little bit taller.
Checkpoint Charlie, checkpoint Bravo.
- Tires always checkpoint Bravo.
- MAN: Got it.
There will be no infiltrating these streets today.
Oh, Operation: Shut'em-down is in full effect.
Ain't that right, Word Keepers? - Word! - Word! Jesus, I think you right.
We gonna have to call them old bastards and have them meet us someplace else.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- [SIGHS.]
It ain't nothing but a phone call, Ms.
Tudi.
Boonie, hand me my damn cellphone.
[GROANS.]
Come on, boy.
Why are you limpin'? Ooh It's - Ohh, that shit done kicked in? - [GROANS.]
I told you that counterfeit Viagra was on point.
- Oooh.
- Gangsta, Ms.
Tudi.
[LAUGHS.]
- Damn.
- Unh.
Mm.
Hello? Hello? Hello? [LINE CLICKS.]
[SIGHS.]
She hung up.
Lord, why do you give old people technology? [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause it tickle the shit out of Pops.
MAN: Yo, man, what's up with the surveillance? - AMBRO: Watch out, Clancy.
I got this.
- Ooh.
[GATE CLANKS.]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah, ah, ah.
Stop the damn car.
Stop the damn car.
Stop pointing that damn gun at me, Ambro.
I came here to see Boonie.
I said turn off the goddamn engine.
I ain't turning off shit.
- Move out my way.
- MAN: Let's go, ladies.
Move it! Okay, we got a situation at Charlie.
Shalinka to see Boonie.
- I need to search the car.
- MAN: 10-4 Ambro.
You not searching my car.
- Why not? - Because it's my car.
And what you got to hide? The shit in my car.
And what is with this outfit you wearing? Cosplay? No, this ain't no motherfuckin cosplay.
I don't even know what the hell that is.
You know what? You getting on my damn nerves, Ambro.
I ain't come here for this shit today, and I ain't got time for it.
I got a parent-teacher conference to go to.
I'm already nervous about that.
I know the war was rough, and a lot of y'all got back here with real problems.
But I encourage you to get some help.
But first, let me encourage you to stay the fuck away from me and have a precious damn day! You can't stop me from seeing my baby daddy.
You done lost your mind.
All right, then.
Okay.
We got a - We were right on you.
- All right.
We got a rogue.
Especially if you can't stop somebody from getting through with a couch.
Okay, Word Keepers.
We got a code Ain't no damn Word Keepers.
But I bet I'm going through this bullshit-ass barricade.
MAN: Ain't none of y'all got a phone charger? Oh, shit! - [DRONE WHIRRING.]
- Clancy! LLOYD: Come on.
- [BOTTLES CLANKING.]
- Okay.
Look at that.
Come on, now.
Come on here.
There we go.
Come on, then.
All right.
Who knew that I could smell Darby in a liquor store a half mile away? Oh, my goodness.
Lookit here.
Now, if I can't get drunk drinking it, uh Maybe just maybe Hm.
Let's try it.
No one to stop me.
Come on.
Come on, Darby.
I'm depending on you.
I don't get it.
Boonie, Boonlinka is your daughter.
Ms.
Tudi, she's your granddaughter.
And, Jesus, she's a child of God.
Y'all should be helping me and Boonie be on time for this meeting at Boonlinka's school.
Instead, y'all in here hiding out like Anne Frank, schemin' how to get old folks through barricades so they can buy weed and Viagra? What the hell you lookin' at, Boonie? And what the hell is this? Well, Ms.
Tudi kindly decided to throw in some free adult diapers.
Counterfeit diapers, Jesus? MS.
TUDI: No, no, no, no.
These are called "Tight and Tidy.
" Ain't that an accident waiting to happen.
And I intended the hell out of that pun.
[CHUCKLES.]
AMBRO: So, when I push this down like this, I want you to push the button forward.
Got it? Yeah.
The thing is, Ambro, I I'd be better with a steering wheel.
See, these things is like operating two tiny penises.
I wouldn't know nothing about that, Clancy.
Hold up.
Okay.
Now! [DRONE WHIRRING.]
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER.]
Whoooo-ooh! It pretty! [LAUGHING.]
Fly, sugar baby! Fly! What's wrong with you? Man, nothin', it's just It's just that, uh, you know, Li'l Boonie needs some lil' love right now, you know what I'm saying? To help him get straight.
Or maybe un-straight.
Hey, let's hit that bathroom up for a hot minute.
Boonie, you know we too damn big for that bathroom.
That bathroom ain't big enough for two ants to get busy in.
And why you pushin' up? We ain't drunk.
[MUMBLES.]
Wait a damn minute.
Did your mama make you take some of them pills to prove their efficacy? Efficacy? What Oh, you fuckin professors now? No, she did it to prove to Jesus they could make my dick hard.
BLACK JESUS: Look, dawg, I don't need no proof of your junk getting hard.
I just didn't want her selling them old folks no false promises.
Man, trust me.
This stuff is extra-strength.
[CHUCKLES.]
You get the whole SHALINKA: Ms.
Tudi, how you gonna experiment on your own child's genitals with some fake-ass pharmaceuticals? Shalinka, do me a solid here, and don't mess with me no more today.
I'm trying to figure out how to get these niggas out the way before the seniors come.
[DISTANT LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
What the hell? [DRONE WHIRRING.]
MAN: Hey, Ambro! I got a doctor's appointment! What the hell is that? Look like some kind of trash heap or something.
Oh, no.
That's a drone.
You see the camera? Ambro's probably using it for surveillance.
Oh, shoot.
Here come Ms.
Evans.
All right, I need a diversion.
Here, hold this, Shalinka.
[GUN COCKS.]
[GASPS.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[WHIRRING DISTORTS.]
- Whoa! - What?! - Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, hey.
[DRONE SPUTTERING.]
AMBRO: Drone down! Heads up! - Aah! - Oh! Oh, Lord! - Clancy! - We got a fire! It wasn't me, Am! Somebody shot it down! Damn.
I didn't know it was gonna do all that.
Lis Listen.
You got to go.
Go, go, go, go! Word Keepers! Checkpoint Charlie's under attack! Checkpoint Charlie's under attack! Boonie, here they come.
It hurts to run! MAN: Nothing true, y'all.
Here come my stuff.
That's what I'm talking about.
Mm, mm, mm.
All right.
BOONIE: Whew! Y'all y'all good? You sure this weed is good? And and the pills gonna grow wood? Trust me, this stuff ain't no joke.
Okay.
You ain't playing me, are you? I ain't pla Feel that.
Hey.
Take your digits.
- [CAR STARTS.]
- Get on away from here, boy.
Girl [CAR DRIVES OFF.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
Watch out! Get in! - Get down! No, get down! - Ow! Damn! I think I shattered Li'l Boonie! [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
BOONIE: Get down! [ENGINE REVVING.]
- Here they come right now! - Incoming! MAN: Freedom fighters! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
Oh! Aaaah! Yoga Bitches run this hood, Tudi! - Namaste, bitch! - Get 'em, mama! [GUNFIRE.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Watch out! - What the hell?! Aaaah! [YOGA BITCHES WHOOPING.]
[SCREAMING, FIRING.]
[LAUGHS.]
BLACK JESUS: Whose car that is, Boonie? That was amazing.
Word Keepers, we protected home base.
But those bitches will be back.
It's time for review.
[SPLASHING.]
LLOYD: Brrrr! Ohhhh! Hmmm! Darby.
Oh, yeah.
That feel good.
Come on, Darby.
Work your magic.
- [RECORD SCRATCHES.]
- It ain't working! Damn you, Jesuuuuus! Boonlinka is a very special little girl.
She are you okay, Mr.
Johnson? [GROANS.]
Is that a Tight and Tidy adult diaper? Uh, yeah.
It's just this little cut I got.
It's really started bleeding now that the pill I took wore off.
And I feel like all the blood is rushing down from [CHUCKLES.]
Li'l Boonie, and But but I'ma be I, uh It's my my blood.
Oh This punk-ass.
I Miss Marburry, can we reschedule, please?