Blackadder s03e04 Episode Script

Tweaks by XhmikosR You look smart, Mr Blackadder.
Going somewhere nice? - No, I'm off to the theatre.
- Don't you like it, then? No, I don't! A lot of stupid actors strutting around shouting, with their chests thrust out so far, you'd think their nipples were attached to a pair of charging elephants! And the worst thing about it is having to go with Prince Mini-Brain! - Doesn't he like it, either? - He loves it.
The problem is that he doesn't realise it's made up.
Last year, when Brutus was about to kill Julius Caesar, the Prince yelled out, "Look behind you, Mr Caesar!" I can't see the point in the theatre.
All that sex and violence-- I get enough of that at home.
Except for the sex, of course.
I want you to give this palace a good clean.
It's so dirty, it'd be unacceptable to a dung-beetle that had lost interest in its career and really let itself go.
Come on, Blackadder, or we'll miss the first act! Coming, sir, as fast as I can! Stick the kettle on, Baldrick.
Now, sir, give I this advice to thee: Never, never, never trust thine enemy.
Agh! Aaaaaagh! Thy life is forfeit, sir Aaagh Thy life is forfeit, sir, and at an end, like our poor play.
We hope it pleased you, friends.
Certainly not, you murdering rotter! Guards, arrest that man! Your Highness, it's only a play.
What about the poor fellow who's dead? Saying "it's only a play" will not feed and clothe the little ones he leaves behind.
Call the militia! Sir, he's not dead.
See, he stands, awaiting your applause.
Oh, I say, that's very clever.
He really isn't dead.
Bravo! Bravo! - Blast, the Prince likes it! - Shit, we'll close tonight.
Work for the weavers! Smash the Spinning Jenny! Burn the Rolling Rosalind! Destroy the Going Up and Down a Bit and then Moving Along Gertrude! And death to the stupid Prince who grows fat on the profits! I say, how exciting! This play's getting better and better! Bravo! It's not a play any more, sir.
Put the bomb down and make your way quietly to the exit.
Blackadder, you old thing, your problem is, you can't tell when something's real and when it's not.
I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave.
Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill "you"? I think it might've been you he was after, sir.
Hogwash! What on earth makes you say that? Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words "Death to the stupid Prince".
It was a bit rude, wasn't it? These are volatile times, Your Highness.
The American Revolution lost your father the Colonies, the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia, although that might be something to do with the sausages.
The whole world cries out, "Peace, freedom, and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie".
Well, yes, quite, something must be done.
Any ideas? Yes, sir.
Next week is your royal father's birthday celebrations.
I suggest that I write a brilliant speech for you to recite, to show the oppressed masses how unusually sensitive you are.
Tell me about these "oppressed masses", what are they so worked up about? Because they are so poor, they are forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas.
Disease and depravation stalk our land like two giant stalking things.
And the working man is poised to overthrow us.
Oh my God, and here he is! Don't be silly, sir.
That's Baldrick, my dogsbody.
He looks like an oppressed mass to me.
Get him out of here at once! Shoo, Baldrick, carry on with your cleaning elsewhere.
By the end of tonight, I want that dining table so clean I can eat my dinner off it.
Crikey, Blackadder, I'm dicing with death here.
The sooner I can show how unusually sensitive I am, the better.
Oh, I just had another brilliant thought.
- Another one, Your Highness? - Yes, another one, actually! You remember that one I had about wearing underwear on the outside to save on laundry bills? I'm thinking myself, Why don't we ask those two actors we saw tonight to teach me how to recite your speech?" - Brilliant, eh? - No, Your Highness, feeble.
What? I would advise against it.
It's a feeble idea.
Well, tish and pish to your advice, Blackadder! Get them here at once! I'm fed up with you treating me as if I'm some kind of thickie.
It's not me that's thick, it's you! And you know why? Because I'm the bloody Prince and you're only a butler.
Now go and get those actors here this minute, Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky- Adder-Thicky.
Mrs Miggins, I'm looking for a couple of actors.
Well, you've come to the right place, Mr B.
There's more Shakespearian dialogue in here than there are buns.
All my lovely actors pop in on their way to rehearsals for a little cup of coffee and a big dollop of inspiration.
You mean they actually rehearse? I thought they got drunk, stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck.
Oh, no! There's ever so much hard work that goes into the wonderful magic that is theatre today.
Still I don't expect you'd know much about that, being only a little butler.
They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain.
They are of course wrong, as you'll soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome Mr David Keanrick.
- And the fabulous Mr Enoch Mossop.
- Hurrah! Gentlemen, gentlemen! Settle down, settle down, settle down.
I'm sorry, no autographs.
- The usual, Mrs M.
- Coming up, my lovely.
Well, if I can just squeeze through this admiring rabble.
Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.
How dare you, sir.
You think just because we're actors we sleep with everyone.
I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
I come here on behalf of my employer, to ask for some elocution lessons.
I fear, sir, that is quite impossible.
We are in the middle of rehearsing our new play and we could not possibly betray our beloved audience by taking time off.
Oh no, mustn't upset the punters.
Bums on seats, laddie, bums on seats.
And what play is this? It is a piece we penned ourselves, called "The Bloody Murder of the Foul Prince Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife".
A philosophical work, then.
Indeed yes, sir.
The violence of the murder and the vastness of the bosom are entirely justified artistically.
Right, I'll tell the Prince that you can't make it.
- Prince? - Sorry, yes, didn't I mention that? It's the Prince Regent.
Shame you can't make it.
No, no, no, please, no.
Please wait, sir.
Off, off! I think we can find some time, Mr Keanrick.
Definitely, Mr Mossop.
No, you've got your beloved audience to think about.
- Sod the proles! We'll come.
- Yes, worthless bastards to a man.
It's nice to see artistic integrity thriving so strongly in the acting community.
This afternoon at four, then, at the Palace.
- Well, what do you think? - Are you ill or something? No, I'm simply trying to look more like an actor.
I'm sure you don't need the false moustache.
- No? - No.
Ow! Egads, it's that oppressed mass again! No, sir, that is Baldrick spring cleaning.
Oh yes, so it is.
- Finish the job later, Baldrick.
- The cleaning or the being strangled? Either suits me.
Look, Blackadder, this is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it? Are you sure we can even trust these acting fellows? Last time, three of them murdered Julius Caesar, and one of them was his best friend Brutus.
As I've told you about eight times, the man playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp.
- Really? - Yes.
Thundering gherkins! Brutus must have been pretty miffed when he found out.
What? That he hadn't killed Caesar after all, just some poxy actor called Kemp.
Do you think he went to Caesar's place after the play and killed him then? Oh, God, it's pathetic! - Is that the door? - Don't worry, it's just the actors.
- My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
- Really? - Yeah, it was called Macbeth.
- And what did he play? - Second codpiece.
Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
So he was a stunt codpiece? Did he have a large part? Depends who's playing Macbeth.
Incidentally, Baldrick, actors are very superstitious.
On no account mention the word "Macbeth" this evening, all right? It brings them bad luck and it makes them very unhappy.
Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either? No.
Well, not very often.
You should have knocked.
Our knocks, impertinent butler, were loud enough to wake the hounds of hell.
- Lead on, McDuff.
- I shall.
Lest you continue in your quotation and mention the name of the Scottish play.
Never fear, I shan't do that.
By the Scottish play, I assume you mean Macbeth.
Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow! - What was that? - We were exorcising evil spirits.
Being but a mere butler, you will not know the great theatre tradition that one does never speak the name of the Scottish play.
What, Macbeth? Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow! You mean you have to do that every time I say "Macbeth"? Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow! Will you please stop saying that! Always call it "the Scottish play".
You want me to say "the Scottish Play"? Yes! Rather than "Macbeth"? Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow! Say, what is all this hullabaloo, all this shouting and yelling blue murder? It's like that play we saw the other day, what was it called? Macbeth, sir.
Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow! - No, no, it was called Julius Caesar.
- Ah yes, of course, Julius Caesar.
Not Macbeth.
Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow! Are you sure you want these people to stay? I asked them, didn't I, Mr Thicky Butler.
Your Royal Highness, may I say what a great honour it is to be invited? - Why certainly.
- Thank you.
What a great honour that it is to be invited here to make merry, in the halls of our King's loins' most glorious outpouring.
Ugh! Now, Your Highness, shall we begin straight away? - Now, I've got this - Before we inspect the script, let us have a look at stance.
The ordinary fellow stands like, well, as you do now.
Whereas your hero stands thus.
Right, sort of like this Excellent, Your Highness.
Even more so Like that? - What was that noise? - It wasn't me.
We are used to standing in this position.
It came from over here.
- Anarchist! - Cleaner! So you've had a wash, that's no excuse! - That is Baldrick spring cleaning.
- But look, he's got a bomb! It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge.
So it is.
Get it out of here at once before it explodes.
Now, stance.
I'm sorry about that.
I think we really had something there.
Yes, Your Highness.
Your very posture tells me "Here is a man of true greatness".
Either that, or "Here are my genitals, please kick them".
Sir, I really must ask that this ill-educated oaf be removed from the room.
Get out! Your presence here is as useful as fine bone china at a tea-party for drunken elephants.
Is that right? Well, yes, get out Blackadder, and stop corking our juices.
Certainly, Your Highness.
I'll leave you to dribble in private.
Something wrong, Mr B? I've had it up to here with that Prince.
One more insult, and I'll hand in my notice.
Does that mean I'll be butler? Not unless some kindly surgeon cuts your head open with a spade and sticks a new brain in it.
I don't know why I put up with it.
I really don't.
Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party I'm the one who has to wear the red nose for winning the "Who's got the stupidest master" competition.
All I can say is, he'd better watch out! One more foot wrong and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk-jug.
But that milk-jug isn't broken.
You really do walk into these things.
Excellent.
And now, sir, at last, the speech.
Right.
No, Your Royal Highness.
What have you forgotten? If I stand any more heroically than this, I'm in danger of seriously disappointing my future Queen.
No, Your Highness, not the stance, the "roar".
- You want me to roar? - Of course we wish you to roar.
All great orators roar before commencing their speeches.
It is the way of things.
Mr Keanrick, from your Hamlet, please.
Ooooooo, to be or not to be.
From your Julius Caesar.
Ooooooo, friends, Romans, countrymen From your leading character, in a play connected with Scotland.
That's Macbeth, isn't it? Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Ow! Let's all roar together, shall we? One, two, three Oooooooo! Excellent, Your Highness.
Now, shall we try putting it all together? Rooooaaarr! Unaccustomed as I am No, no, no.
Alas, I fear you mew it like a frightened tree.
May I see the speech? Who wrote this drivel? Is there a problem with the speech? Well, yes, there is a problem, actually.
The problem is that you wrote it, Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-Can't-Write- For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed! Whoops! Shall I get their supper, sir? Yes, preferably something that has first passed through the digestive system of the cat.
And you'll have to take it up yourself.
Why? Because I'm leaving, Baldrick.
I'm about to enter the job market.
Right, let's see.
Situations vacant: Mr and Mrs Pitt are looking for a baby-minder to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament.
Some fellow called George Stevenson has invented a moving kettle, wants someone to help with the marketing.
Oh, there's a foreign opportunity here.
Treacherous, malicious, unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, wanted to be King of Sardinia.
No time wasters, please.
Apply to: Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris.
Right! We're on our way! Oh, sir, about costume Any thoughts? Well, enormous trousers, certainly, and perhaps an Admiral's uniform, because we know what all the nice girls love, don't we? I'll tell you what, why don't I go and try them on for you? Help yourselves to wine.
You'll need a stiff drink when you see the size of these damn trousers.
- Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening! - You're so right, love.
Look, while he's gone, why don't we have a quick read-through of "The Murder of Prince Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife"? Act 1, Scene 1? "Spring has come, with all its gentle showers.
Methinks it's time to hack the Prince to death.
" Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship.
Ah, thank you, Mr B.
But as we both know, it'd be an utter lie.
I will therefore confine myself to saying simply, "Sod off", and if I ever meet you again, it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.
I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words.
I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you could survive five minutes here without me.
Come on, Mr B, it's not as though we're gonna get murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it? Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
Coming! - Let's kill the Prince.
- Who shall strike first? Let me, and let this dagger's point prick out his soft eyeball and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly.
Have you the stomach? I have not killed him yet, sir, but when I do, I shall have the stomach and the liver, too, and the floppily-doppilies in their horrid glue.
What if a servant should hear us in our plotting? Then shall we have servant sausages for tea.
And servant rissoles shall our supper be.
Murder! Murder! The Revolution's started! - What?! - A plot, a plot to kill you! Ah, so you've come clean at last, have you, you bloody little poor person.
Not me! The actors downstairs, they're anarchists! I heard them plotting.
They're gonna poke out your liver, turn me into rissole, and then suck on your exquisite floppily-doppilies.
- What are we going to do? - Mr Blackadder says, "when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table".
- Blackadder, of course! Where is he? - He's in Sardinia.
- What? Why? - You were rude to him, so he left.
Oh no! What a mad, blundering, incredibly handsome young nincompoop I've been.
What are we to do? If we go downstairs, they'll chop us up and eat us alive.
We're doomed, doomed! Good evening, Your Highness.
Four minutes and 22 seconds, Baldrick.
You owe me a groat.
Thank God you're here! We desperately need you! Who, me, sir? Mr Thicky-Black- Thicky-Adder-Thicky? Oh tish! Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-Can't-Write- For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed? Yes, well Mr Brilliantly-Undervalued-Butler who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight? Take an extra thousand guineas per month? All right.
What's your problem? The actors have turned out to be vicious anarchists! They intend to kill us all! What, are they going to bore us to death? No, stab us! Baldrick overheard them.
I did! - Are you sure they meant it, sir? - Quite sure.
- How far apart were their legs? - This far.
- And their nipples? - That far.
They meant it, all right.
All right, sir, I'll see what I can do.
To torture him, I lust.
Let's singe his hair, and up his nostrils hot bananas thrust.
- Rehearsals going well, gentlemen? - Begone! A mere butler with the intellectual capacity of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us.
Indeed yes, sir.
Your participation is as irritating as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas.
Well, in that case, I won't interrupt you any longer.
Sorry to disturb, gentlemen.
Blackadder, thank God you're safe! Well, what happened? Sir, there was no need to panic.
It was all perfectly straightforward.
They're traitors, sir.
They must be arrested, brutally tortured and executed forthwith.
Bravo! But Your Highness, there's been a terrible mistake.
That's what they were bound to say, sir.
It was a play, sir, a play! Look, all the words you heard were written down on that page.
Text book stuff again, you see.
The criminals' vanity always makes them make one tiny mistake.
Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy printed and published in plain manuscript.
- Take them away! - Mercy, we beg for mercy! I have got only one thing to say to you Macbeth! Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends.
Well done, Bladder! How can I ever thank you? You can start by not calling me "Bladder", sir.
Macbeth! Of course, Bladder.
No sooner said than done.
- No hard feelings? - No, sir.
It's good to be back in the saddle.
Did I say saddle? I meant harness.
Bravo! So we're the best of friends as ever we were.
Hurrah! In fact, now that the evil Mossop and Keanrick have got their comeuppance, the Drury Lane Theatre is free.
I thought we might celebrate by staging a little play that I've written.
Oh, what an excellent idea! And with my new-found acting skills, might there be a part in it for me? I was hoping that you might play the title role.
What a roaringly good idea! What's the play called? "Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks and Gets Pelted with Rancid Tomatoes" Excellent! Tweaks by XhmikosR