Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s03e04 Episode Script

1 Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola Why have you come here today? Uh, to marry the beautiful Abishola.
Sometimes we do not know what we need in our lives until it's there.
I did not know I needed laughter.
I did not know I needed your kindness and love.
I promise to pray for you and love you always.
Thank you.
Kind of sounded like vows.
Yes, Husband.
Now where are mine? Husband? Boy, I like the sound of that.
Oh, breakfast in bed.
- Very romantic.
- It is.
Just the two of us.
DOTTIE: Bobby? Hello? - I'm kind of busy, Ma.
- Got it.
Go back to your lovemaking.
We're not lovemaking.
Yeah, we are.
Go away! Bob made me breakfast.
Aw, that's sweet.
The door is locked.
Yup.
What about my breakfast? There's a big tub of yogurt in the fridge.
I smell pancakes! - No, you don't! - There's plenty here.
- She can have some of mine.
- No.
I got up a half hour early to make my wife a nice breakfast, and she's gonna eat it, and you're gonna leave me alone! [SIGHS.]
Mom? Yeah? Give me one pancake.
I'll slip it under the door.
What am I a stray dog? Do you want it or not? Yeah.
["IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING.]
Chukwuemeka is pouting because there are certain things I will not do with him.
You do everything with him.
And then tell us about it.
Well, even I have boundaries.
I draw the line at swimming lessons.
That's where you draw the line? Swimming? I don't like what it does to my hair.
I come out of the pool looking like Frederick Douglass.
That's not even your hair.
You can just take it off and hang it up like a towel.
Never.
I will be buried in this wig.
Anyway, if Chukwuemeka wants to get wet, we can use Bob's hot tub.
You have to share with his mother.
Every time we so much as dip a toe in it, she wheels out in a swimsuit and scares Bob away.
GLORIA: Ugh.
Nothing like seeing an old lady in a hot tub.
That's the reason I stopped going to the Y.
Gloria, you are one of those old ladies.
At least I can swim, baldy.
Abishola, I know how hard it is taking care of a parent.
Mm.
My grandmother used to live with us, growing up.
She used to pinch us for no reason.
Sometimes when I catch my hand in a drawer, I think about her.
Oh.
So sweet.
[SCOFFS.]
That's one thing Americans do right.
You treat your kids bad enough, - they just send you to a home.
- Hmm.
My mother-in-law walked that line like a Flying Wallenda.
I like the Nigerian way.
I can treat my children like doo-doo, but if they treat me poorly, I will come back after death and have my revenge.
Oh.
That's what kept us in line for so long - Fear of a pinching ghost.
- Mm.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
What are you doing? My shirt keeps riding up.
Maybe you should wear a shirt that fits.
The shirt did fit until your wife washed it.
So you blame my wife for your peek-a-boo tummy? I have told her, this shirt needs to be washed in cold and tumble dried on low.
For a man with so many demands, perhaps you should do your own laundry.
Then how would she get better at it? - I will leave her a note.
- No.
No more notes.
You are right.
This is a bigger problem.
We should have a family meeting.
No! No family meetings.
We banned family meetings at the last family meeting! Fine.
Then peek-a-boo.
I see you! Oh.
- He still living above your garage? - Yes.
I have thought about setting fire to it, but then he would just move into the house.
Yeah, fire's not an option for me, either.
The house has a sprinkler system.
- We'd all survive.
- Oh.
Thanks for coming to lunch with me.
- [LAUGHS.]
- No problem.
You begged, and I was hungry.
Well, hungry or not, I enjoy our special time together.
Sure.
Look, I'm sorry if I'm coming across a little needy.
You know, my therapist says I'm in constant search to either get love or give love, you know? I'm a love junkie.
[LAUGHS.]
Is that all you're on? You know, I used to resent the fact that you moved in with Bob.
It's 'cause he's the oldest.
Plus, he has the wine fridge.
No.
I mean, I-I totally get it now.
I mean, imagine if you would have moved into the room I made up for you after your stroke.
- You had a room for me? - I did.
I had no idea.
But the universe has a way of working things out.
You know, I couldn't handle you the way Bob does.
God, he gets you full blast, 24 hours a day.
Dottie at home, Dottie at work, Dottie in the bed, Dottie in the bath.
Dottie, Dottie, Dottie! [CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
- I get it.
You dodged a bullet.
Not really a bullet.
More like one of those little shivs they make in prisons.
You know? [IMITATES STABBING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ah Kofo, what do you mean, you're moving out? I see you have received my note.
Is this because of the laundry? I will tell my wife to put it on warm.
Not on warm! It peek-a-boos on warm! This is why I must go.
No one hears me, but I hear you and your wife.
Making love? No! Talking about me.
"He was only supposed to be here two months.
" "A grown man shouldn't have so many puzzles.
" "He cries more than our son.
" Not more.
Just louder.
And longer.
Then I will make sure my new apartment allows crying.
And will not count my puzzles.
Kofo, sometimes we complain, but that does not mean we want you to leave.
I heard your wife say, "Make him leave.
" We are family.
I will never turn my back on you.
- Never? - Never.
It's just sometimes I feel more like an unwanted guest than a cherished member of your family.
We will try and do better.
- Thank you, Cousin.
- Mm-hmm.
I actually have some suggestions of how you can do better.
A walk-in bathtub? It is not just for me.
It is for all of us for when we grow old together.
Where you been? At the hospital.
But you're usually back by 5:45.
It's 6:15.
There was traffic.
Well, not according to the bus tracker, but no one's calling you a liar.
- It would be nice to put my things down, huh? - Of course.
I know I can be a lot sometimes.
- You are fine.
- Bobby complains about me all the time, so I don't know what's truth, or what's just him being that chubby little boy who cried wolf.
Do you have that story in your country? But with a different animal, like a lion or a zebra? "The Boy Who Cried Zebra.
" It doesn't have the same ring.
- The story is the same.
- Oh, so you know what I'm saying? - I do.
- And you'll be able to tell me if I'm being a lot? You are being a lot.
- When? - Right now.
And first thing in the morning.
And late at night.
- I see.
- Now you can improve on your behavior, huh? - I'll do that.
- Good.
I'm glad we could have this talk before Bob would want to put you in a home.
Yeah.
I'm glad, too.
Mm.
I cannot remember the last time we had a date.
Three weeks and four days ago.
- That was our wedding.
- Exactly.
I texted your mother to see if I should bring her back some food.
Let me guess no answer.
- Oh, so she's giving me the silent treatment? - Oh, no.
This isn't silent.
This is time release.
She'll bring up this slight at Christmas, at her birthday, your birthday, and just when you think she's forgotten, it'll flare up again, like a cold sore.
She asked me to be honest.
And you fell for it, but we all do.
Once.
So that's it? There's nothing else I can do? Well, there is one thing.
Since we know she wants us to feel bad, we could stick it to her by having a good time.
- That does not sound healthy.
- Ah, we're way past healthy.
Welcome to the family.
[LAUGHS.]
Is that PAC-MAN? [SHOUTING.]
: Is that PAC-MAN? No, it's a game where I plant corn.
Sounds boring.
It is, until the corn grows.
[LAUGHS.]
Then you got to harvest it.
Listen, I'm glad you came over.
It's nice to know one of my children cares.
My Wi-Fi was down, so it's a win-win.
So, how's life? Why? I'm curious.
Why? Can't a mother just talk to her son? But why? Oh, go back to your corn.
I got to feed the pigs first.
This is ridiculous.
[WHIRRING.]
It's your turn.
I know.
Why are you thinking so much? You are going to lose.
Said the snake to the weasel.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
That is ayo! I win.
You sneaky little devil.
And you are also a little devil.
Oh, really? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hold that thought.
I will hold whatever you would like.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
DOTTIE: Tunde, open the door! Dottie? Buenas noches! Who wants a margarita? - [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY.]
- Mmm.
This is very nice.
You know, from this vintage, I would have thought this would have been too fruit-forward.
I love that you were a sommelier.
Keep going.
This is a light, beautifully-balanced Beaujolais.
All that class, and you married me.
I don't know what I was thinking.
[LAUGHS.]
- Have you decided? - Yes.
I'll have the lamb chop.
Nice choice.
Salmon for me, and instead of potatoes, could I get the vegetable medley? Of course.
We are not going to switch meals halfway through, if that is your plan.
I'm just trying to eat healthier.
Mr.
Wheeler, are you trying to seduce me? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
I mean, if it's working, yes.
- [LAUGHS.]
- But, uh, it's time to make some changes.
Hmm.
When did you decide this? When I saw you walking down the aisle.
- Oh.
- Before you, I didn't I didn't think too far ahead.
What did you think about? Mostly my next meal.
Sometimes the only thing that got me through the day was picturing a rib eye and a baked potato.
That is very sad.
Well, back then, I didn't have a lot to look forward to.
Now I do.
Are you saying I'm your new rib eye? Ooh, let's not get carried away.
You can be the baked potato.
- I am the rib eye.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yes, you are.
And you are extremely rare.
Mm-hmm.
Did I win? No.
But I got more rocks than you.
Some of those are peanut M&Ms.
Ah, you caught me.
- Look at that, Tunde.
- Mm.
She cheats better than you do.
- You know I cheat? - [SCOFFS.]
Why didn't you say anything? Because you are so cute when you win.
He does a little dance in his seat.
Do the dance.
No.
For me, Babatunde.
- Okay, for you.
- Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
You two are so adorable.
Thank you.
It reminds me I'm gonna die alone.
Oh, Dottie, you will not die alone.
It's way too late to find somebody.
Yes, it is, but now, you are part of a Nigerian family.
- You will always be taken care of.
- Really? I can be pretty annoying.
Yes, you can.
But you have earned the right to be as annoying as you want.
It is a perk of being old.
You can yell at grocery clerks, or-or leave your turn signal on and never turn.
Do not worry, Dottie.
You will always have your family, and you will always have us.
I will? Yes.
And eventually, Olu and I will also be invalids, and move into Bob's house to die alongside you.
I can't wait.
Mom, we're home! And we brought you cheesecake.
Want an untouched vegetable medley? - No, thanks.
- How'd it go? Great.
Barely even saw her.
- She's not here.
- What? I cannot find her anywhere.
Where is she? Why are you asking me? Because you're the one who's supposed to be watching her! I'm sorry.
I had a bad harvest.
She cannot be alone.
She's still very fragile.
There's no answer.
I'll try, too.
You know what? We should go drive around.
She can't be far away.
I'll stay here in case she comes back.
[SIGHS.]
Hmm.
No.
Ugh.
- [PHONE DINGS REPEATEDLY.]
- Will you look at that? My phone's blowing up.
They must be sick with worry.
- [DINGING.]
- Isn't it wonderful? [WHIRRING.]
[GROANS.]
[EXHALES.]
Wait.
You can walk? You didn't see anything.
Yes, I did.
You can walk.
- You tell anybody about this, you're dead.
- What do you mean? - This is great.
- Not a word!