Bored to Death (2009) s03e04 Episode Script
We Could Sing a Duet
I think I was aiming so well because Emily's making me go on a date tonight with Bernard and I don't want to go.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, okay? Just wear two pairs of underwear and that'll slow him down.
No, I can handle Bernard.
That's not the problem.
It's their relationship that's eating at me.
I need the two of you to sabotage their engagement.
- Sabotage'? - I know.
That's strong language, but things have gotten worse.
They're talking about having children now.
She told me that her That her eggs are like plums, very ripe.
Really? Plums? Yes, but the truth is she's still maturing and he's half dead.
You know, I have to save her from herself somehow.
We gotta get Bernard out of the picture.
We could bring him here and accidentally shoot him.
I'm such a bad shot, we could probably get away with it.
No, no, look, here, here's what we do.
Take her out tonight, show her a youthful time.
Show her what she'll be missing by marrying some old fart.
- We can do that.
- I can't.
I finally became unconstipated creatively.
- Only took about a year.
- Okay, all right.
Then it's up to you, Jonathan.
Please take her dancing, you know, have an adventure.
; Island, anything.
Like a date, but platonic.
Okay.
I'm good at platonic.
It's my default sexual setting, after nervous.
Thank you.
What are you working on, sweetheart? I finally made a breakthrough on Super Ray 2.
His son, Super Spencer, is kidnapped by The Emasculator, kind of a half-woman, half-plant.
She looks like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting, except when you punch her she gives you a urinary tract infection.
Okay, you know what you're doing.
You know, just work a few more minutes and then get started on your chores.
Look, can you do them today? I'm feeling, like, really potent and thick.
It's like my pencil is Ron Jeremy.
Usually I'm like this, but today I'm more like just right on target, like, just really banging it out.
Yeah, but Ray, that's not fair.
I work all week and today is my day to just be with the girls.
You know that.
But I want to draw! Oh, God.
Oh, God! Ow! God.
Slimming.
New York is so lit up.
I guess everyone's afraid of the dark, but it's a great view.
Yeah, it's great, but only a young person like me would live above a clock that makes the whole apartment shake.
- Wait, what? - You'll see.
In a minute, this place will have a case of delirium tremens.
- Want a glass of wine? - Oh, no, thanks.
Just water.
I'm sorry I don't have anything else to offer you.
As a youthful bachelor, I live off white wine and avocados.
Thanks.
Whoa.
Oh.
You know, you look a lot like George.
I can see him hidden in your features.
- Really? - You know, we're very close.
He's like a father to me, which I kind of need.
I'm searching for my biological dad, but the trail's gone cold.
Oh, but aren't you a private detective? I saw your ad on Craigslist.
Your slogan was funny.
- But I don't have a slogan.
- Yeah, you do.
"Need a dick?" That is catchy, but it's not mine.
No, look.
Oh, my God.
I have a double.
The girls are all tucked in.
That's good.
Ray, is this the wrapping from the chicken? Yeah.
Why? You took the sticker off an apple.
Well, yeah The apple is organic, so You let the girls eat a factory-farmed chicken? That's in their perfect bellies right now? My back was spasming.
I couldn't walk the extra block to Trader Joe's.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe this.
You poisoned them.
You know I don't allow any industrial food in their bodies.
- Leah, I - You put hormones into them.
And I showed you that article on early breast development.
What were you thinking? I don't think one industrialized chicken is gonna set off puberty.
I didn't start developing breasts until I was I was in my 30s.
Yeah, I was in my 30s.
Ray, the one thing you're supposed to do is shop for organic food and clean the house.
- That was our agreement.
- I do.
That's all I do! You know, I don't even get drunk anymore.
I only get stoned.
I didn't draw Super Ray today.
I only hang outwith Jonathan three times a week.
I'm sick of being a Park Slope mom.
Well, that's because you're not a Park Slope man.
Son of a bitch.
Did you just call me a bitch? No, but I would like to.
Get out! Leah, ow! My back! - You called me a bitch - No, I didn't.
I said I would like to.
There's a huge difference.
Please leave.
I need some space.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and that I'll try to be a better person.
Okay? This restaurant isn't open yet, so this is sort of a preview, like a Broadway show, you know, like Spider-Man or Cats.
You know, as a T.
S.
Eliot fan, I have to say, I did love Cats when it first came out.
Yeah, there was a lot of pussy in that show, huh? Bernard.
What? I thought this was gonna be a boys' night out.
Emily told me that you like dirty jokes, so, I don't know.
- Well, here we are.
- Yes.
Do you mind if I take a quick hit of pot? It makes the food better.
Well, no.
Actually I do mind.
See, Emily loves to smell me and I want to respect her sobriety.
I can't have pot smoke all over my clothing.
She won't smell anything.
Just No, George, George, George, please.
Emily would like you to be more attuned, like a shaman, to her issues.
That's why we came here, for you to know her again.
All right, all right.
Okay, okay, no pot.
Just quit preaching.
- I'm not preaching.
- Let's go in.
Funny, this sign looks just like my sign.
George, what a surprise.
Jesus, you look gaunt.
Is the gruel you're sewing at George on Jane making you sick? Who's your boyfriend? Oh, Bernard, Antrem.
Antrem, Bernard.
What are you doing here? What, are you having a mini stroke or something? I'm the Richard in Richard & Sons you addled old sissy.
Thanks for doing this.
After I confront him, we can go to this magic show in Williamsburg, which will be very youthful.
Why do you keep emphasizing that we're gonna do youthful things? Oh, Jonathan Ames? Sometimes.
How can I help you, blondie? Who are you? Why are you impersonating me? I was wondering when you might show up.
I would love to talk to you sometime, fish bait, but I'm busy.
Fish bait? What do you mean, you're busy? Explain yourself.
You can't just walk away from me.
You've stolen my name.
Another time, skin tag.
I'm on a case and I don't want to be late.
Won't be good for our reputation.
You're on a case? But you're wearing a windbreaker.
Aren't you that good-looking kid who was looking for his girlfriends dog? Yeah, don't rub ii in.
Why? What's the matter? She kicked me out of the house.
Mind if I join you then? You're blue.
I'm lonely.
We could sing a duet.
Sure.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
Another Baileys for me, neat.
And a - Whiskey.
- whiskey for handsome here.
I can't believe I have an impersonator.
Why isn't he trying harder to look like me'? How do you know he isn't trying? We don't know what he looked like before.
Good point.
I'm sorry if we miss this magic show, but I gotta figure out what this nut is up to.
Oh, no, are you kidding me? This is much more exciting.
I feel really stimulated.
Good.
I love following people.
When I do it, I pretend like I'm a spy.
Wait, you're a private detective who pretends that he's a spy? Yeah, ifs like wearing layers in the winter, but with fantasy.
- Quit following me, gumshoe! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! How did you know we were Where did you even learn to be a detective? - I read your book.
- Really? Did you like it? So-so.
Your endings are weak and I found a typo.
My endings are intentionally vague.
But one book isn't enough training.
I read all of Hammett and Chandler before I went professional.
All right, lord it over me, ass rash, but you and the frail better quit trailing me.
I don't like it.
Tough shit.
We're coming on the case.
All right, but only because it'll be nice to have a broad on a stakeout.
It'll help pass the time.
We can play "spin the dame.
" I can't believe Antrem is cultivating Salman Rushdie.
I mean, he's my number-one customer.
He loves our line-caught striped bass.
You should never have brought me here.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
George Christopher, welcome.
Oh, please tell me that Jonathan hasn't infected the premises, has he? No, no, he's not here.
But what are you doing, Louis? I don't understand the costume.
I know it's unusual to see me in such a reduced station, but Richard was good enough to hire me under the work release program after I was arrested for vandalizing the Dick Cavett set.
Oh, well, I'm sorry Sorry about that.
But let me ask you something why is this place called Richard & Sons? Antrem doesn't have any children.
No, that's true, but he's always wanted male heirs and I think Richard and I both agree that I fulfill the role of son in Richard & Sons.
I'm sorry to be a fussbudget, but it's plural, "Sons".
Yes, we're also thinking about adopting one of the Filipino busboys, you know, to complete the family.
And tax purposes.
What did I say about talking to guests? Sorry, Richard.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
I've got to go verbally lash my coworkers.
Out of my way! Excuse me! He's a good boy.
I love humiliating him.
You can see how deep it cuts.
Richard, why did you open a restaurant? Saw what you did, hated it thought I could do better.
- That's not very pleasant.
- I'll handle this.
You know, that wasn't very pleasant.
You know something? You're nothing but a copycat.
That's pretty tough talk for someone who has to go 100 miles to get his radicchio.
What's that supposed to mean? All of our produce and proteins come from within 50 miles of New York.
And you claim 100.
Do the math.
I'm gonna dominate the artisanal scene.
Fifty miles? Well, that's not possible.
Looks like lover boy needs a drink.
This is bad.
This is very bad.
Oh, my God, that's obscene.
This is a really good case.
- I want to look.
- No, it's too upsetting.
Are you a member of PETA? Don't protect her.
She's a grown woman.
What are you, a C cup? Oh, don't be rude.
And you, don't stop me.
I want to look.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
That doesn't bother me.
I used to be a plushie.
- Really? - Yeah, I've had a lot of phases.
That's good.
I like troubled women.
Makes 'em needy.
So what's the plan? I gotta get a picture of that horny tiger with his helmet off.
That's the one I'm trying to catch in the act.
- Who hired you? - Tiger's boyfriend.
He's a handsome power bottom but not a plushie.
Tiger over there was supposed to give up his taste for the fur.
- I've worked these kinds of cases.
- Yeah? Well, the only thing to do now is wait.
That's one way to go about it.
What's the other way? We could This is how real detectives pass the time.
Want a hit, dollface? It'll improve my looks.
- No, thank you.
- I'll have some.
I've also got pot, which is another way that real detectives pass the time.
I'm on supervised visits with my son.
I only get to play with him in front of his mother.
I have no income and my art career is shit.
And my girlfriend hates me.
I feel for you, Ray.
You got nothing going for you.
- Well, I - It's like a bad run in cards.
But these things pass.
And then you get a good run.
But I know when you're losing it feels like you're gonna lose forever.
Yeah, that's where I am right now.
All bad cards.
Plus I have back spasms.
I had a streak like yours in my 40s.
My husband Nat got drunk one night and slept with my sister.
She was having a breakdown, going haywire, wasn't thinking clearly.
And he was a man.
I understand.
That tiger's head has a functional mouth, so I don't think he's ever gonna remove it.
He will.
After he comes, he'll lose interest and take the head off.
Underneath that costume is a man.
What's that supposed to mean? After an orgasm, a male, even a plushophile, just wants to move on.
Kiss me a few times and I'll prove my theory to you.
Hey, let's keep this civil.
Yeah, back off, Romeo.
I'm engaged.
To this pimple of a preschooler? No, no, to a much, much older man.
I'm sorry.
I'm stoned.
That's what George told me.
Oh, my God.
My dad is such a jerk.
What exactly did he say about Bernard? Nothing.
Just that he's older and that he wanted me to show you a youthful good time and that's it.
Bullshit.
As somebody with borderline personality disorder, I'm like a human polygraph and I can tell you're lying.
Forget that.
What else did George say? I really want you to tell me.
You have to tell me.
Otherwise I'll just make it up and it'll probably be worse.
He's just very concerned about you having children.
He said that you were talking about your ripe plums He talked about my plums? Yes, but in a loving way.
God.
Fuck him! Sweetheart, your dad sounds like a real perv.
But you do have gorgeous plums.
I love a C cup.
Just take a slug and relax.
It'll be good for you.
Now we're on a stakeout.
We might as well be sitting in the kitchen.
Oh, George, I'm so sorry about all this.
I wanted us to have a good time.
I want you to like me.
I like you.
Look, I don't care about that right now.
I'm trying to observe the competition.
If Antrem gets the artisanal crowd, it could be the end of George on Jane.
It'd be the end of me, because stupidly I invested all my money in it.
Can I have your attention, please? Thank you so much for coming to the opening of Richard & Sons.
- As some of you may know - Do you mind? We are trying to elevate New York City's connection with its food.
We promote only truly local fare grown by vegans and conscientious objectors.
Some restaurants in New York City, like that salmonella shack George on Jane, falsely claim that 100 miles is local.
I say why travel that far when New York City itself is far greener than that, and in itself provides an eco-role-model Oh, oh, a rat just ran up my pant leg A large rat.
Oh, my God, there it goes! - I think I see it! - Everybody calm down.
Something just ran over my foot.
- Fire! - Fire? - What? - I think the rat's on fire! Wait You senile bitch! There's no fucking rat on fire.
Assholes! Tiger is going to the door.
Holy shit, threesome.
We could learn something from these dudes.
Let me see, Mr.
Borderline.
Here you go.
It's hot when you're dismissive.
Keep it up.
Yeah.
Nice dance.
Okay, I'm gonna go down to the bar and take a squirt.
Emily? Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I just have to pee.
Be sure to layer the seat with TP.
That place looked nasty.
Gotta keep that hot ass clean.
She's blitzed.
I like it.
- This is getting good.
- Yeah.
So why exactly are you pretending to be me? - What do you care'? - What do you mean? Of course I care.
I've never had my identity stolen before.
I've never been that popular.
Well, I read about you in the paper and I figured I could do what you do.
I watch a lot of noir films and I'm on disability.
Jesus, that hardly qualifies you.
- Shut up! - No, I won't shut up.
And as my impostor, I think you should be a bit more respectful towards me.
All right, all right, don't get your braids in a knot.
Hey, Tiger's going back to the door.
This orgy's getting bigger.
Oh, my God, that's Emily.
Good girl.
Now just get out of the way so I can see his face.
Oh, my God, that tiger smacked her! Let me see.
Oh, shit.
Those animals are gonna eat her! Let's go! We gotta save her! A mop? I'm right behind you.
We didn't mean to hurt her.
Holy shit.
Smells like fur and jizz in here.
I like the way you eat.
- You have a nice body.
- Thank you.
It's like a fat prick.
That's how my Nat was.
I can't eat more.
My girdle's pinching me.
You know what you should try for your back? OxyContin.
I was on it when I got my new hip.
It's good for the whole body.
I've heard that stuff is great, especially if you snort it.
My girlfriend Rita told me the same thing.
You know, I didn't take all the pills after the surgery.
You could come back to my place and have some if you like.
We could call Rita, make it a party? Oh.
I'm really sorry about everything.
See you, sugarplums.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
We did it.
We make a great team.
My brains, your name.
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna take down that ad, you're gonna stop using my name, and I'm never gonna see you again.
Fine! I'm getting out of this racket anyway.
I just needed the 1,000 bucks to get certified as a massage therapist.
You charge $1,000? You know, whenever I'm depressed, I'm gonna picture Antrem's face as it was tonight.
Even if he drives me out of business, I will have that to hold onto.
You should know, George, that if you ever do need a loan to keep the restaurant going, I'm here for you, all right? No, I couldn't do that.
I sold my tech company for $150 million.
I only tell you this to reassure you that I can help you if you need it.
You'd really help me? Well, anything for my future father-in-law.
- Oh hey, you know, no cell phones - Oh, Emily.
- She's probably checking up on us - All right, all right, all right.
Emily.
What? I'll be right home.
Emily was attacked by a homosexual tiger in Brooklyn.
Emily's perfect Christopher nose is broken.
I'm so sorry, George.
I can't believe that you got her drunk and stoned.
- I mean, she's in A.
A.
, Jonathan.
- You didn't tell me that.
Well, I'm in denial about her sobriety.
You're supposed to be in denial about her using.
No, no, no, you know, I trusted you with my daughter.
I followed your instructions.
We had an adventure.
I did the best that I could.
No, you didn't.
And now she won't talk to me anymore.
She says I'm a people, place and thing, which is A.
A.
speak for something that causes a relapse.
- Oh, George - Don't you understand what happened? I was rebuilding our relationship and now I'm not a father anymore.
- I'm a trigger.
- I'm sorry.
Things got out of control.
But you were the one who wanted me to sabotage her engagement with Bernard.
No, not anymore.
He's a beautiful person.
But you crossed every line tonight, Jonathan.
Now, I just wanted to tell you in person, I'm very, very disappointed in you.
That's all.
George, please.
You know something? Emily's taking a break from me, so I'm taking a break from you.
Wait, wait.
You mean like the silent treatment?
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, okay? Just wear two pairs of underwear and that'll slow him down.
No, I can handle Bernard.
That's not the problem.
It's their relationship that's eating at me.
I need the two of you to sabotage their engagement.
- Sabotage'? - I know.
That's strong language, but things have gotten worse.
They're talking about having children now.
She told me that her That her eggs are like plums, very ripe.
Really? Plums? Yes, but the truth is she's still maturing and he's half dead.
You know, I have to save her from herself somehow.
We gotta get Bernard out of the picture.
We could bring him here and accidentally shoot him.
I'm such a bad shot, we could probably get away with it.
No, no, look, here, here's what we do.
Take her out tonight, show her a youthful time.
Show her what she'll be missing by marrying some old fart.
- We can do that.
- I can't.
I finally became unconstipated creatively.
- Only took about a year.
- Okay, all right.
Then it's up to you, Jonathan.
Please take her dancing, you know, have an adventure.
; Island, anything.
Like a date, but platonic.
Okay.
I'm good at platonic.
It's my default sexual setting, after nervous.
Thank you.
What are you working on, sweetheart? I finally made a breakthrough on Super Ray 2.
His son, Super Spencer, is kidnapped by The Emasculator, kind of a half-woman, half-plant.
She looks like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting, except when you punch her she gives you a urinary tract infection.
Okay, you know what you're doing.
You know, just work a few more minutes and then get started on your chores.
Look, can you do them today? I'm feeling, like, really potent and thick.
It's like my pencil is Ron Jeremy.
Usually I'm like this, but today I'm more like just right on target, like, just really banging it out.
Yeah, but Ray, that's not fair.
I work all week and today is my day to just be with the girls.
You know that.
But I want to draw! Oh, God.
Oh, God! Ow! God.
Slimming.
New York is so lit up.
I guess everyone's afraid of the dark, but it's a great view.
Yeah, it's great, but only a young person like me would live above a clock that makes the whole apartment shake.
- Wait, what? - You'll see.
In a minute, this place will have a case of delirium tremens.
- Want a glass of wine? - Oh, no, thanks.
Just water.
I'm sorry I don't have anything else to offer you.
As a youthful bachelor, I live off white wine and avocados.
Thanks.
Whoa.
Oh.
You know, you look a lot like George.
I can see him hidden in your features.
- Really? - You know, we're very close.
He's like a father to me, which I kind of need.
I'm searching for my biological dad, but the trail's gone cold.
Oh, but aren't you a private detective? I saw your ad on Craigslist.
Your slogan was funny.
- But I don't have a slogan.
- Yeah, you do.
"Need a dick?" That is catchy, but it's not mine.
No, look.
Oh, my God.
I have a double.
The girls are all tucked in.
That's good.
Ray, is this the wrapping from the chicken? Yeah.
Why? You took the sticker off an apple.
Well, yeah The apple is organic, so You let the girls eat a factory-farmed chicken? That's in their perfect bellies right now? My back was spasming.
I couldn't walk the extra block to Trader Joe's.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe this.
You poisoned them.
You know I don't allow any industrial food in their bodies.
- Leah, I - You put hormones into them.
And I showed you that article on early breast development.
What were you thinking? I don't think one industrialized chicken is gonna set off puberty.
I didn't start developing breasts until I was I was in my 30s.
Yeah, I was in my 30s.
Ray, the one thing you're supposed to do is shop for organic food and clean the house.
- That was our agreement.
- I do.
That's all I do! You know, I don't even get drunk anymore.
I only get stoned.
I didn't draw Super Ray today.
I only hang outwith Jonathan three times a week.
I'm sick of being a Park Slope mom.
Well, that's because you're not a Park Slope man.
Son of a bitch.
Did you just call me a bitch? No, but I would like to.
Get out! Leah, ow! My back! - You called me a bitch - No, I didn't.
I said I would like to.
There's a huge difference.
Please leave.
I need some space.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and that I'll try to be a better person.
Okay? This restaurant isn't open yet, so this is sort of a preview, like a Broadway show, you know, like Spider-Man or Cats.
You know, as a T.
S.
Eliot fan, I have to say, I did love Cats when it first came out.
Yeah, there was a lot of pussy in that show, huh? Bernard.
What? I thought this was gonna be a boys' night out.
Emily told me that you like dirty jokes, so, I don't know.
- Well, here we are.
- Yes.
Do you mind if I take a quick hit of pot? It makes the food better.
Well, no.
Actually I do mind.
See, Emily loves to smell me and I want to respect her sobriety.
I can't have pot smoke all over my clothing.
She won't smell anything.
Just No, George, George, George, please.
Emily would like you to be more attuned, like a shaman, to her issues.
That's why we came here, for you to know her again.
All right, all right.
Okay, okay, no pot.
Just quit preaching.
- I'm not preaching.
- Let's go in.
Funny, this sign looks just like my sign.
George, what a surprise.
Jesus, you look gaunt.
Is the gruel you're sewing at George on Jane making you sick? Who's your boyfriend? Oh, Bernard, Antrem.
Antrem, Bernard.
What are you doing here? What, are you having a mini stroke or something? I'm the Richard in Richard & Sons you addled old sissy.
Thanks for doing this.
After I confront him, we can go to this magic show in Williamsburg, which will be very youthful.
Why do you keep emphasizing that we're gonna do youthful things? Oh, Jonathan Ames? Sometimes.
How can I help you, blondie? Who are you? Why are you impersonating me? I was wondering when you might show up.
I would love to talk to you sometime, fish bait, but I'm busy.
Fish bait? What do you mean, you're busy? Explain yourself.
You can't just walk away from me.
You've stolen my name.
Another time, skin tag.
I'm on a case and I don't want to be late.
Won't be good for our reputation.
You're on a case? But you're wearing a windbreaker.
Aren't you that good-looking kid who was looking for his girlfriends dog? Yeah, don't rub ii in.
Why? What's the matter? She kicked me out of the house.
Mind if I join you then? You're blue.
I'm lonely.
We could sing a duet.
Sure.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
Another Baileys for me, neat.
And a - Whiskey.
- whiskey for handsome here.
I can't believe I have an impersonator.
Why isn't he trying harder to look like me'? How do you know he isn't trying? We don't know what he looked like before.
Good point.
I'm sorry if we miss this magic show, but I gotta figure out what this nut is up to.
Oh, no, are you kidding me? This is much more exciting.
I feel really stimulated.
Good.
I love following people.
When I do it, I pretend like I'm a spy.
Wait, you're a private detective who pretends that he's a spy? Yeah, ifs like wearing layers in the winter, but with fantasy.
- Quit following me, gumshoe! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! How did you know we were Where did you even learn to be a detective? - I read your book.
- Really? Did you like it? So-so.
Your endings are weak and I found a typo.
My endings are intentionally vague.
But one book isn't enough training.
I read all of Hammett and Chandler before I went professional.
All right, lord it over me, ass rash, but you and the frail better quit trailing me.
I don't like it.
Tough shit.
We're coming on the case.
All right, but only because it'll be nice to have a broad on a stakeout.
It'll help pass the time.
We can play "spin the dame.
" I can't believe Antrem is cultivating Salman Rushdie.
I mean, he's my number-one customer.
He loves our line-caught striped bass.
You should never have brought me here.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
George Christopher, welcome.
Oh, please tell me that Jonathan hasn't infected the premises, has he? No, no, he's not here.
But what are you doing, Louis? I don't understand the costume.
I know it's unusual to see me in such a reduced station, but Richard was good enough to hire me under the work release program after I was arrested for vandalizing the Dick Cavett set.
Oh, well, I'm sorry Sorry about that.
But let me ask you something why is this place called Richard & Sons? Antrem doesn't have any children.
No, that's true, but he's always wanted male heirs and I think Richard and I both agree that I fulfill the role of son in Richard & Sons.
I'm sorry to be a fussbudget, but it's plural, "Sons".
Yes, we're also thinking about adopting one of the Filipino busboys, you know, to complete the family.
And tax purposes.
What did I say about talking to guests? Sorry, Richard.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
I've got to go verbally lash my coworkers.
Out of my way! Excuse me! He's a good boy.
I love humiliating him.
You can see how deep it cuts.
Richard, why did you open a restaurant? Saw what you did, hated it thought I could do better.
- That's not very pleasant.
- I'll handle this.
You know, that wasn't very pleasant.
You know something? You're nothing but a copycat.
That's pretty tough talk for someone who has to go 100 miles to get his radicchio.
What's that supposed to mean? All of our produce and proteins come from within 50 miles of New York.
And you claim 100.
Do the math.
I'm gonna dominate the artisanal scene.
Fifty miles? Well, that's not possible.
Looks like lover boy needs a drink.
This is bad.
This is very bad.
Oh, my God, that's obscene.
This is a really good case.
- I want to look.
- No, it's too upsetting.
Are you a member of PETA? Don't protect her.
She's a grown woman.
What are you, a C cup? Oh, don't be rude.
And you, don't stop me.
I want to look.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
That doesn't bother me.
I used to be a plushie.
- Really? - Yeah, I've had a lot of phases.
That's good.
I like troubled women.
Makes 'em needy.
So what's the plan? I gotta get a picture of that horny tiger with his helmet off.
That's the one I'm trying to catch in the act.
- Who hired you? - Tiger's boyfriend.
He's a handsome power bottom but not a plushie.
Tiger over there was supposed to give up his taste for the fur.
- I've worked these kinds of cases.
- Yeah? Well, the only thing to do now is wait.
That's one way to go about it.
What's the other way? We could This is how real detectives pass the time.
Want a hit, dollface? It'll improve my looks.
- No, thank you.
- I'll have some.
I've also got pot, which is another way that real detectives pass the time.
I'm on supervised visits with my son.
I only get to play with him in front of his mother.
I have no income and my art career is shit.
And my girlfriend hates me.
I feel for you, Ray.
You got nothing going for you.
- Well, I - It's like a bad run in cards.
But these things pass.
And then you get a good run.
But I know when you're losing it feels like you're gonna lose forever.
Yeah, that's where I am right now.
All bad cards.
Plus I have back spasms.
I had a streak like yours in my 40s.
My husband Nat got drunk one night and slept with my sister.
She was having a breakdown, going haywire, wasn't thinking clearly.
And he was a man.
I understand.
That tiger's head has a functional mouth, so I don't think he's ever gonna remove it.
He will.
After he comes, he'll lose interest and take the head off.
Underneath that costume is a man.
What's that supposed to mean? After an orgasm, a male, even a plushophile, just wants to move on.
Kiss me a few times and I'll prove my theory to you.
Hey, let's keep this civil.
Yeah, back off, Romeo.
I'm engaged.
To this pimple of a preschooler? No, no, to a much, much older man.
I'm sorry.
I'm stoned.
That's what George told me.
Oh, my God.
My dad is such a jerk.
What exactly did he say about Bernard? Nothing.
Just that he's older and that he wanted me to show you a youthful good time and that's it.
Bullshit.
As somebody with borderline personality disorder, I'm like a human polygraph and I can tell you're lying.
Forget that.
What else did George say? I really want you to tell me.
You have to tell me.
Otherwise I'll just make it up and it'll probably be worse.
He's just very concerned about you having children.
He said that you were talking about your ripe plums He talked about my plums? Yes, but in a loving way.
God.
Fuck him! Sweetheart, your dad sounds like a real perv.
But you do have gorgeous plums.
I love a C cup.
Just take a slug and relax.
It'll be good for you.
Now we're on a stakeout.
We might as well be sitting in the kitchen.
Oh, George, I'm so sorry about all this.
I wanted us to have a good time.
I want you to like me.
I like you.
Look, I don't care about that right now.
I'm trying to observe the competition.
If Antrem gets the artisanal crowd, it could be the end of George on Jane.
It'd be the end of me, because stupidly I invested all my money in it.
Can I have your attention, please? Thank you so much for coming to the opening of Richard & Sons.
- As some of you may know - Do you mind? We are trying to elevate New York City's connection with its food.
We promote only truly local fare grown by vegans and conscientious objectors.
Some restaurants in New York City, like that salmonella shack George on Jane, falsely claim that 100 miles is local.
I say why travel that far when New York City itself is far greener than that, and in itself provides an eco-role-model Oh, oh, a rat just ran up my pant leg A large rat.
Oh, my God, there it goes! - I think I see it! - Everybody calm down.
Something just ran over my foot.
- Fire! - Fire? - What? - I think the rat's on fire! Wait You senile bitch! There's no fucking rat on fire.
Assholes! Tiger is going to the door.
Holy shit, threesome.
We could learn something from these dudes.
Let me see, Mr.
Borderline.
Here you go.
It's hot when you're dismissive.
Keep it up.
Yeah.
Nice dance.
Okay, I'm gonna go down to the bar and take a squirt.
Emily? Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I just have to pee.
Be sure to layer the seat with TP.
That place looked nasty.
Gotta keep that hot ass clean.
She's blitzed.
I like it.
- This is getting good.
- Yeah.
So why exactly are you pretending to be me? - What do you care'? - What do you mean? Of course I care.
I've never had my identity stolen before.
I've never been that popular.
Well, I read about you in the paper and I figured I could do what you do.
I watch a lot of noir films and I'm on disability.
Jesus, that hardly qualifies you.
- Shut up! - No, I won't shut up.
And as my impostor, I think you should be a bit more respectful towards me.
All right, all right, don't get your braids in a knot.
Hey, Tiger's going back to the door.
This orgy's getting bigger.
Oh, my God, that's Emily.
Good girl.
Now just get out of the way so I can see his face.
Oh, my God, that tiger smacked her! Let me see.
Oh, shit.
Those animals are gonna eat her! Let's go! We gotta save her! A mop? I'm right behind you.
We didn't mean to hurt her.
Holy shit.
Smells like fur and jizz in here.
I like the way you eat.
- You have a nice body.
- Thank you.
It's like a fat prick.
That's how my Nat was.
I can't eat more.
My girdle's pinching me.
You know what you should try for your back? OxyContin.
I was on it when I got my new hip.
It's good for the whole body.
I've heard that stuff is great, especially if you snort it.
My girlfriend Rita told me the same thing.
You know, I didn't take all the pills after the surgery.
You could come back to my place and have some if you like.
We could call Rita, make it a party? Oh.
I'm really sorry about everything.
See you, sugarplums.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
We did it.
We make a great team.
My brains, your name.
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna take down that ad, you're gonna stop using my name, and I'm never gonna see you again.
Fine! I'm getting out of this racket anyway.
I just needed the 1,000 bucks to get certified as a massage therapist.
You charge $1,000? You know, whenever I'm depressed, I'm gonna picture Antrem's face as it was tonight.
Even if he drives me out of business, I will have that to hold onto.
You should know, George, that if you ever do need a loan to keep the restaurant going, I'm here for you, all right? No, I couldn't do that.
I sold my tech company for $150 million.
I only tell you this to reassure you that I can help you if you need it.
You'd really help me? Well, anything for my future father-in-law.
- Oh hey, you know, no cell phones - Oh, Emily.
- She's probably checking up on us - All right, all right, all right.
Emily.
What? I'll be right home.
Emily was attacked by a homosexual tiger in Brooklyn.
Emily's perfect Christopher nose is broken.
I'm so sorry, George.
I can't believe that you got her drunk and stoned.
- I mean, she's in A.
A.
, Jonathan.
- You didn't tell me that.
Well, I'm in denial about her sobriety.
You're supposed to be in denial about her using.
No, no, no, you know, I trusted you with my daughter.
I followed your instructions.
We had an adventure.
I did the best that I could.
No, you didn't.
And now she won't talk to me anymore.
She says I'm a people, place and thing, which is A.
A.
speak for something that causes a relapse.
- Oh, George - Don't you understand what happened? I was rebuilding our relationship and now I'm not a father anymore.
- I'm a trigger.
- I'm sorry.
Things got out of control.
But you were the one who wanted me to sabotage her engagement with Bernard.
No, not anymore.
He's a beautiful person.
But you crossed every line tonight, Jonathan.
Now, I just wanted to tell you in person, I'm very, very disappointed in you.
That's all.
George, please.
You know something? Emily's taking a break from me, so I'm taking a break from you.
Wait, wait.
You mean like the silent treatment?