Bottom (1991) s03e04 Episode Script

There.
That's "War and Peace" finished.
I knew that Russian bloke did it.
Same as last time.
What's he doing in there? I could have written that.
I would have, too, if Tolstoy hadn't sneaked in first.
Only I'd have put some nudey pictures in.
I wouldn't call it "War and Peace", either.
I'd call it something more appropriate, like"A Load of Old Bollocks.
" What is he up to in there?! Oh, God! I'm so bored.
Oh, all right.
Off we go again.
Count Leo Tolstoy Well, they spelt "Count" wrong, didn't they? Right.
That's it.
I've had enough.
Eddie! Eddie? Eddie, you've been in there for seven days.
What are you doing? Eddie? Right, young man.
I'll count to three, then I'm having a ruddy good look through that keyhole.
One two Two! Three.
Not funny.
Oh, Eddie, please.
I'm so lonely.
I haven't had anyone to talk at for a week.
- What are you doing? - It's just a hobby of mine.
- Why don't you go and do yours? - I've had five this afternoon already.
- Oh, Eddie.
- Sod off.
Eddie? Eddieeee-eeee? Eeeeeeeeeddieeeeeeeeeee-mwah.
Oh, blimey! I'd better put it out.
It could go on for days, I'm so well hung! Just need some more ink.
You've found something to help pass the time, then? Yes, thank you, Eddie.
Point taken.
Well, point nearly burnt right off, actually.
Oh, God! What a life.
Ow! Oh, who'd be me? Oh, God! I'm so bored.
I'm so bored I could watch a whole episode of "The Bill" without vomiting blood.
No, no.
I mustn't.
I owe it to myself.
Oh.
I can't go on like this.
Hurrah! I'm coming! I'm coming! Wait! I'm coming! Don't go away.
You'll like me.
Spudgun! Dave Hedgehog! How great to see you.
Er, well come ye.
Come ye why don't you? Ah! So, what brings you round here? The bus.
No.
I mean, why are you here? His telly's broke.
Oh, charming.
Well, anyway, er sherry? - No.
- Good, 'cause we haven't got any.
- Er, cheesy dip? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Me, too.
There's something going round.
Oh, well.
Let's all have an olive.
Here we are.
Phwoar! Uh-uh.
Just one.
There we are.
So, Spudgun read any good books lately? Well, have you thought about anything ever? - Um Er - Well, never mind.
Hedgehog? - I was thinking - Oh, he's got one! Strap in! It might be a bumpy ride.
- Go on.
- Well, I was thinking about baked beans.
Ah 'Cause it, like, says on the label "baked beans", but wouldn't it be funny if there was just one baked bean, 'cause then it'd be a misprint? That's the end.
I wasn't thinkin' Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha.
Terrific.
It's great when us great minds get together, isn't it? What can I say? It's happened to me fumfty times.
Marvellous.
- So, Hedgehog - No! - What? - I don't know anything! Help! Eddie! Eddie! It's talking at us again! - Help! - No, shush.
I've got it.
Morris dancing.
Eh? Come on.
Get your hankies out.
I hope they're not as crinkly as mine.
Come on.
Look lively.
Skippity, hoppity, slappity-slap.
Skippity, hoppity, chinky-chink.
Get your bladders out.
- Hello, Eddie.
- Eddie! Thank God you're here! The troglodytes have arrived.
I've been trying to occupy them for hours.
- Hello, boys.
- Are they dry yet? Shh! - His wife's not supposed to know.
- What? What? Is there something going on? I think we better go upstairs, boys.
Oh, look.
A nudey magazine.
Oh! Where? Where? Where? Where, guys? Guys? Guys? Guys! Here you go, boys.
El Dorado.
- Wow! - Nice one, Eddie.
Guys.
What nudey magazine? What's going on up here? Anything for a joke.
Come on, you wild bunch.
What's going on? Come on, guys.
Let me in.
You guys are great, aren't you? Eddie.
You've been That's right, me ol' black-hearted bounty hunter from the devil's lavatory.
I've been forging money.
No more living on the edge.
No more tick.
No more nicking.
No more running into off-licenses to see how much we can drink before the police arrive.
Spudgun, have 25 grand.
Hedgehog, have 100 grand.
Richie have a £15 note.
- Fifteen? - Yeah, it's a misprint, but very rare.
Could be worth 20p in a few years.
Let's get down the Maserati showroom.
Hang on a sec.
What's this tomato? That's the Queen's face.
I've got to get the dye right yet.
I think you've got to get the shape right.
Now, that is Welsh money.
- They don't have any Welsh money.
- No wonder they all vote Labour.
- Here, what are those? - Those are the Queen's jugs.
- What?! - The Queen's jugs.
Eddie.
- the Queen doesn't have jugs.
She's royalty.
And - if she did, she wouldn't get them out on a fiver.
She'd save 'em up for the fifty.
If you care to have a look at my fifty, I think you'll find it a mite more risqué.
God! - That's disgusting! - I know.
Eddie, that's tantamount to treason! How will you pass off these pornographic doodles as real money? Especially when you see what the Duke of Edinburgh's up to.
- Who's that with him? - Meryl Streep.
Hang on.
She's got three knockers.
No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.
- Nice one.
- Eddie, are you insane?! You couldn't buy these under the counter in Hamburg.
That's the plan.
The unsuspecting publican will be so mesmerised by the classy erotica that I'll have had seven pints by the time he notices how crap the squiggly lines are.
To the nearest hostelry to expose our prodigiousness.
- No, to the Lamb and Flag to see if it works.
- It's a better idea than mine.
- I didn't know what I was talking about.
- Nor did I.
Stand back, birds.
It's the Hammersmith hard men! - There's no birds here.
- As usual.
All right.
Stand back, everyone else.
Once we get started, who knows when we'll stop? Usually when Dick finds out we haven't any money.
But not tonight.
Evening, Dick.
Lovely weather.
- It's rainin'.
- Yes.
- Is that a Guards' tie you're wearing? - It is, actually.
Well, maybe you should give it back to him.
Right, enough of the conversational pleasantries.
- Drinks all round.
- Of course there is.
It's a pub! No, I mean drinks all round us.
What are you having? Palpitations.
Has he seen the cash yet? Don't blow it or I'll swing for you.
Come on! I'm very busy! - No, you're not.
- I know, but I've been on a course in customer relations.
So hurry up and order, you time-wasting parasites, or I'll set the dogs on ya! - Boys? - Half a mild.
- Same for me in a pint glass, please.
- I'll have a pint in a half-pint glass.
- Richie? - What? Oh, er, anything.
It doesn't matter.
Anything'll do.
You know, anything at all, really.
Oh, um something sophisticated and Left Bank.
Ooh, um Er, oh, diddly-do diddly-do.
I don't know - Um Oh, absinthe.
- Bless you.
- It's a It's a drink, Eddie.
- Oh, right.
And a pint of absinthe, please.
- Absinthe? - Yes.
- There's a gay pub down the road, you know? - Oi! Oi! Oi! - Are you starting, buster? - We haven't got any, anyway.
What about, er Pernod? Oh yes.
All right, then.
A pint of Pernod.
- Make it a straight glass with a good head.
- Here you go.
Thank you, mein host.
And what's this? It is a £27 note.
- Keep the change.
- You can't expect me to Phwoar! Er Yeah, take 'em, take 'em.
Er I think the light's a bit better in the toilets.
Watch the bar for me, would you? It bloody worked.
Here's to us, the master criminals! Cheers! This is shit! Hello? Skullcrusher Henderson? Yeah, it's Dick Head here.
No, don't laugh.
Yeah, I have in my possession a very rare and extraordinarily pornographic £27 note, which may be of interest to a man in your position.
What? Well, it's Sylvester Stallone fisting what looks like Mister MacHenry from "The Magic Roundabout".
And they say Toulouse-Lautrec used to drink this? No wonder his paintings were crap.
Hello, boys.
Everything all right? - Not a problem.
- It's been very quiet.
A coachload of Japs came and finished off the Malibu, but apart from that Good.
Gives us a chance for a chat.
- A chat? - Yeah.
I've just been on to one of my pals, Skullcrusher Henderson, who, as it happens, is THE master counterfeiter of London Town.
He takes a dim view to people muscling in on his patch.
Some might say an almost psychotically violently dim view.
So? - So, Eddie - Ah-ah-ah-ah! My name is Deirdre Barlow.
- So is mine.
- Me, too.
And his.
Well, Deirdres, Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you.
Should we send him some flowers? No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers.
Basically, unless you stop printing and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, he's going to come round here and crush your skulls.
Is that bad? - And that's why they call him Skullcrusher.
- Exactly.
So, till tonight, gentlemen.
- I think I need the lavvy.
- Me, too.
- And me.
- I've just been.
- What are we going to do?! - I'm thinking! We'll come back next week, then, shall we?! Ooh! Look! I've just had a pint of absinthe.
I'm practically blind! That sign.
"Annual pub quiz.
First prize 5,000 quid.
" - Eddie, you're a genius! - Hang on.
5,000 quid.
That's just what we need to pay Dick.
Eddie.
I've just had the same idea as you.
Yes! Yes! Yes! - Hey, Dick, put us in for the quiz tonight.
- Certainly.
200 quid.
- What?! - Each.
- Double what?! - That's a bit steep, isn't it? Steep? It's effing vertical.
Well, it is a very, very big prize.
Excuse us just one moment.
Er, Dick would you accept teeth? - Gold ones.
- Great.
- There you go, Dick.
- Hang on.
- There's only enough here for two.
- What? Oh, rats' bollocks! Er Right, stand firm, Eddie.
This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.
I had an idea it might.
- Are you off? - No, just getting a good run up.
- How was that? - Wrong side.
God, the things I do for you! Spit.
There you go, Dick.
Hang on, these are all real.
Well, I haven't got any gold teeth.
Haven't you? God, I've got about three.
- Oh, good.
- Oh, shit! Thank you.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! There we are, Dick.
Ooh, look.
Some change.
Hah! Be blab burbed blibbelly! - Pardon? - Be blab burbed blibbelly! Thanks, Eddie.
The plan worked brilliantly.
Now we have to bone up.
Right, well, you do what you like, but we'll do some revision.
- We could do that as well.
- We've got two hands.
Trousers off, birds.
It's the Hammersmith hard men! - Sexist pig! - That's us, baby.
Thank God for Grandad's teeth.
The birds are crazy already.
- Right, four pints of mild, thanks, Dick.
- What's this? It is a 137 krugerrand note.
Bloody hell! Is that Dick Emery? I didn't know he could ride.
No, he's not riding.
That's Princess Anne.
I told you to stop printing unless you want to incur the wrath of Skullcrusher.
All right.
Take this gold tooth, you bastard.
- Racketeer! - Vulture! - Body snatcher! - Shop assistant! Budgie! No, that's not it.
- No, it's not, is it? - Oh, this is embarrassing now.
You're on table number three.
Right.
Fingers on buzzers.
Don't be so foul! Got it! Hamster! Help! Help! Someone's anus has broken loose! Good one, Hedgehog.
Look at him trying not to cry.
Great.
- What's this? - Hitler, Hammersmith.
- Oi! Who's pressing their buzzers? - Oh, is that the buzzer? I thought Crikey-o-blimey! I thought my crumpetometer was going doolally.
Get an eyeful of the nursey jug-fest on table number two.
Hey, Richie - I've got a great plan.
- Run with it, Eddie.
You are the raunch machine! Hi, birds.
Oh, dear.
I seem to have inadvertently dropped my keys under your table.
You don't mind if I bend down and have a quick get of them? God! God, Eddie! You're so hard.
Yeah, well, I am now.
Well, come on.
Come on.
What did you see? - Is it true? - Don't be stupid, Richie.
It was just a cover.
I was fixing their buzzer.
Phwoar! Fixing their buzzer! - Oh! Fixing their buzzer! - Yeah.
Hey, good idea.
Why don't you fix the buzzers on the other tables? - Right, I'll do the CID table first.
- Tell you what, give me the big coat.
While you're at it, I'll stash the encyclopaedias in the lavvy.
Er, hi, blokes.
Oh, dear.
Dropped me keys.
Don't mind if I get 'em, do you? Oh, dear, everyone.
I'm putting on so much weight these days.
Oh, great.
A gentleman's lavatory.
I'll just pop in for a quick workout.
When I say a quick workout, I don't mean a sort of hairy-handed adolescent It's all right, Rich.
No one's listening to you.
We could be at home, looking at the telly.
You said the telly's broke.
That doesn't matter.
We could just look at it.
Oh, they've run out of extra large.
Er Gonna have to use the bin bag again tonight.
Hope it's dry.
OK.
All set? They don't stand a chance.
Right.
Spudgun.
What's your special subject? Oh.
I had it a minute ago.
- Hedgehog, what's yours? - Um I'll have a pint, please.
Well, it's a start.
Look, I'll cover Eng, Hist, Geog, Chem, Phys, Bilg, Lat, Fr and Gym, OK? All the brainy stuff.
Eddie, what are you covering? - The exits.
- Right, off we go.
- You nervous, Eddie? - No, I think it's that bloke.
- Tell him to put a cork in it! - Right.
Now, I'd like to welcome you all to the Lamb and Flag, especially our rival pub, the Dog and Handgun.
Get on with it, you latent homosexual! All right! Keep it friendly.
We all got three months last time, remember? Right, here we go.
First one to ten gets the 5,000 quid.
Questions come from the "World of Knowledge", 1,000 questions for eight- to ten-year-olds.
Shit! Concentrate, guys.
This is gonna be a bitch! Right, here we go.
First question.
Brace yourselves.
Where are the Appalachians? Is the wrong answer.
I can hand it over for a bonus point.
No, I think you'll find that was the same answer the CID gave.
- Right, moving along, then - Christ.
He's stopped breathing.
Oi! Quiet please.
What - and I'll repeat that - what is the square root of 100? - Phone for an ambulance! - I thought you were covering maths.
Is that? I thought it was gardening.
- Could it be daffodils? - Oh, we're not getting anywhere! Bide your time, Richie.
Bide your time.
Right, next question, which is the greater, two dozen or a score? - Daffodils.
- Wrong.
- It bloody is.
- No, it isn't.
- Are you calling me a liar? - No, I'm calling you a tosser.
- Well, that's OK, then.
- We need more bandages.
See? The plan's working brilliantly.
They're all busy looking after the wounded.
This is where we close in for the kill.
Yeah.
Get them out of here! And watch the blood on me sawdust.
Now.
With the, er team neck and neck on a nail-biting zero all round, we move on to our next category - pop music.
Berlin is the capital of which country? Germany.
The answer's in the question.
Look, Eddie, you keep him talking.
- I'll nip into the lavvy and look it up.
- Righty-dokey.
Er, Dick isn't it true that you once did a trial for QPR? That's right.
Trevor Francis phones me up.
He says, "Dick Head?" I said, "That's me" - Is somebody in there? - Yeah.
- It's out of order.
- Not as out of order as I am.
I've got through three books of this posh loo paper already.
What?! Oh, no.
E to K! You bastard! Oh, Jes! straight in the corner of the net.
I turn for applause, Les Ferdinand decks me.
Apparently, I was supposed to score at the other end, but loads of their players were up that end Well, I showed him how to completely beat the shit out of me.
- Anyway - Yeah, thanks.
That's enough, Dick.
- Now, what was the answer? - Pass.
- Pass.
- Correct.
- What?! - Well, near enough.
- We get the five grand? - Yeah.
Here you go.
Now, bugger off, 'cause I'm off down the night bank.
- We won! - Come on! Let's scarper! Evening, Skullcrusher.
Oh, er Hello, Mr Skullcrusher So glad you could make it.
If I may say so, what a smashing blouse you have on.
Oh, look.
There's your five grand.
Looks like 20 grand, it's wibbling about so much.
Well, it's been a pleasure.
- Look at the time, Eddie.
- Yes, we must dash.
Is that the door behind you? - Hang on! - Is there some sort of a problem? - I can't take this.
It's forged.
- What? - It's not.
- Yes, it is.
I forged it.
Look.
That ain't the Queen, it's Danny La Rue.
Well, it's a queen.
- Yeah, I mean won't that do? - 'Fraid not, boys.
It's skull-crushing time!