Call Me Fitz (2010) s03e04 Episode Script

Previously on Call Me Fitz Over half of the city councilors are members of the Glen Downs Country Club.
They control local politics.
Fuck! It'll be good to get some fresh blood into this place.
I'll see you at the initiation.
When it's a male sacrifice, we cut off his johnson and feast upon it.
Yeah, I'm out.
Melody Gray! I haven't seen you since you slept your way through student council! I'm an ethical journalist.
I only report the news I manufacture.
Six months I've been stuck in this mental hospital, with no contact from the outside world.
Only thing you ever had was your dealership, and now you got shit.
I'm gonna get it back! Even if he got it back, he cannot sell cars.
Our agreement includes a non-competition clause.
Fitzpatrick cannot own a dealership, any dealership.
Unless he opened it in someone else's name! You're all goin' down, fuckers! I'm Richard Fitzpatrick, and I approve this message.
Coverton.
There was a time when this shithole wasn't such a shithole.
On election day, you can help return this shithole to its former glory.
How? Vote for me, Richard Fitzpatrick.
Hey, way to ruin the fucking shot, shit berry! Asshole! Why vote for me? Because I'm an outsider, like you.
I don't care about budgets, or by-laws, or any other bullshit.
I care about people.
And I'm here to help you.
There's a reason you're single, scowlie.
So if you're happy with high taxes, crumbling infrastructure, and sexually inexperienced politicians, go ahead and waste your vote on Chester Vince.
But if you want real change? Your hero has arrived, Coverton.
My name is Richard Fitzpatrick.
But you can call me Fitz.
- Fucking masterpiece.
- I'll schedule a reshoot.
You blew our entire advertising budget on Ebony Jugs magazine? Oh! Budget price for a national spot.
For a municipal election.
We need to spend our money wisely.
And try to reach a wider demographic than "exposed lady-parts aficionados.
" The only demographic Chester Vince is currently not kicking our ass in.
Do you even know how big the ethnic community in Coverton is? Well, I bet it's big.
Don't you worry, buddy.
On election day, shit like this won't even matter.
Shit like what? Like anyone's going to believe Chester is a hero.
He doesn't have x-ray vision or a cape Or a utility belt.
Perfect example.
This is why Chester Vince is killing us with the ethnic vote.
Because he's actually targeting the ethnic vote.
In Richard's defence - it is Ebony Jugs.
And the ethnic groups all love Chester.
He's like some kind of white Jesus.
What the fuck are you talking about? The ethnics love me.
Mai Ling gave me extra chicken balls last week - if you know what I'm sayin'.
Richard, you shouldn't use the "E" word.
We need to show voters that you care about all people the same.
Fuck me! You know what? Every time I turn my back, that Vince is one-upping me.
You turds need to up my profile, big time.
I'm the hero of the people, not that dick-licker.
Now get me the ethnic vote.
How? Three hours, and I want ideas.
Fifty bucks? I'm not that desperate.
Forty.
And your diazepam.
We split the diazepam.
All right.
Let's do this.
Yes! Come and get it.
Oh yeah.
Going to pay those student loans.
Hurry up, what's taking so long? Hey! What the fuck, man! Hey! That was my date.
Pack your shit.
We're going home.
Not until you tell me what you want.
To know my daughter is happy and healthy and free to sign a lease on a new dealership.
I knew it! I got to get around whatever crap those flying carpet munchers put in the contract.
Non-compete clause my ass.
And you want to work with me? Never shoulda sold the family business to those gooks.
Biggest mistake I ever made.
Keep it in the family, that's what grandpa said.
Even if they're fucking retards.
How 'bout it, kid, You and me? Ninety-ten.
Fifty-fifty.
Eighty-twenty.
Gross.
Seventy-five-twenty-five.
Net.
That's my little retard.
No matter how hard I try, I can't make Richard happy.
You should know, titmouse, because you're dead because of my failure.
Are you ok? Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, you just sounded so sad.
Iris.
Oh, Larry.
Who are you visiting? Oh, a noble bird who died needlessly and deserved a proper burial.
You? My fluffy little cuddly Bunny? He got away from me one morning and was crossing the road when a Mustang ran him over? It's been a tough three years.
Three years.
I'm here everyday after work.
I just can't seem to let go.
Such a tragedy.
You're a sweet soul, Larry.
I'm sure it wasn't your fault.
You wouldn't say that if you knew how responsible I am for everything.
Richard's anger.
The poor dead titmouse.
Jeepers, Larry.
Pretty selfish of you to take all the blame.
Some of the rest of us want to mourn too.
I'm sorry - I didn't mean- I was just kidding, silly.
I can tell by your aura, you're a good person.
I wish every man was like you.
Yeah.
D-do you want? Uh Every man Ahh! Richard Fitzpatrick is not a hero.
Yes I am, dick sniffer.
Richard Fitzpatrick is better.
I'm listening.
Richard Fitzpatrick is EVERY MAN.
Oh! That sounds like a super-hero.
He is a super-hero, Josh.
Compassion is Every Man's superpower.
You understand the plight of the sweat shop employee struggling to put food on the table, the inner city youth whose only career choice is crime, the overqualified immigrant stuck driving a cab And you shoot laser beams from your eyeballs! What do you think? I think it bites while it sucks - and we all know how bad that can be.
This isn't brain surgery, Larry.
We just need a way to make the ethnics love Fitz more than Chester.
I love him more.
Where the fuck have you been? I said three hours.
Doing my job.
Chester's holding a surprise unity rally at City Hall.
This afternoon.
His multicultural drones will be there.
See guys? This is simple.
All we have to do is hijack Chester's rally.
So what do ethnics want? Equality is an easy gift to give.
And it's always free.
There's one color everyone loves.
Green.
Beautiful.
Let's do that.
Corruption? Bribery? This isn't how Every Man operates.
Yeah, he flies.
And bullets bounce off his chest.
P-ting! P-ting! And he's all like 'Ha ha ha ha!' That's what I'd do if I was Every Man.
Aw, and I'd have a bitchin' cape.
I'm afraid your daughter's not ready to be released, Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
She's still suffering from-- Paranoia, resentment, delusions of grandeur, hypersensitivity, excessive irritability, rapid mood swings, and violent outbursts.
That was one fucking time, and I didn't know the bedpan was metal! In fact, I was hoping to schedule some time with you, sir.
I believe your daughter's rage is a learned behavior.
I'm as calm as a summer breeze.
Now give me my fucking daughter back! Well I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
Go ahead.
Ask.
This way, please.
Relax, Igor.
I'm leaving.
Bye, Daddy! I know what you're thinking.
Another politician here to talk about himself.
Pause for laughter.
But today isn't about patting myself on the back for all the weapons and drugs I've managed to get off your streets.
I want you to meet some special friends of mine Richard, please, don't do this.
Not only is bribery unethical, it's illegal.
Vote for Fitz.
Vote for Fitz.
Best place to troll for votes- Some other guy's rally.
This is Greg.
A few short months ago, he was a wretched lowlife.
Reeked of alcohol and sweat.
Slept in puddles of his own urine, and sold himself for money to buy drugs.
And now I am clean.
He doesn't have two dimes to rub together, but he's not tempted by any of the drugs on this table, even though a tenth of these drugs could certainly buy his way off the street.
And it's all thanks to me.
Coverton, the hero you've been waiting for has finally arrived.
And his name is Chester Vince! That's my fucking line.
Nobody move! This is Melody Gray, embedded at the press conference, where we are under attack.
Don't hurt us! We have money! Yeah? Nice one, fuckwit.
I call upon the powers of equality! What the fuck? Black strength! Asian wisdom! Russian endurance! Super-fast! Swiss organizational skills! And American cheese! How about Pashtun generosity? We have our own community centre! All are welcome! That's right, yes! Except Kurds.
That's right.
Get my money! My money! Scram, punk.
Yeah! Fuck.
No one knows the swarthy savior's secret origins, but one thing is certain The costumed vigilante "Ethnic Man" is quickly becoming a local legend.
There I was, surrounded by hooligans.
Then he came out of nowhere brandishing an opium pipe.
He said: "Hey, you kids! Stop teasing that man.
Smoke this instead.
" And they did.
In a matter of days, Ethnic Man's unique brand of street justice has reduced crime all over Coverton - except drug trafficking.
But despite these statistics, opinion about the vigilante is mixed.
Ethnic Man's not racist.
Black is the absence of color.
By painting his face black, he's making a decisive statement about his dream of a post racial world.
All I know is that I loves it when the niggers win, because they got nothing.
What is racist is choosing to ask me what is racist because I am not white.
You see, you are the racist.
You.
But whether you're pro-Ethnic man, or an uninformed idiot, there's one thing we can all agree on crime fighting in Coverton just got a lot more sexy.
Thank you, Ethnic Man, wherever - and whoever - you are.
Call me.
It's not Ethnic Man, it's Every Man! I mean, I bet that's what it is.
I mean, how would I know, right? I'm not Every Man.
Shut up, fucktard.
Plan B.
Everyone loves you so you'll make them love me.
Ethnic vote - boom.
I can't hide it anymore.
I'm Every Man.
No shit.
That's why you're going to put on your little clown outfit, prance around at my rally and tell everyone you endorse me for city council.
I'll start on the permits.
We're having a rally? Yeah, set it up.
We're gonna call it: The rally for all people everywhere.
Rally for all people everywhere Yeah.
A rally for RAPE? All right, snot lunch, you come up with something.
No.
Every Man is many things, but he's not a dancing monkey.
Every Man doesn't believe in politics.
He believes in justice.
And equality.
And fish tacos.
Because fighting crime makes him wicked hungry.
Remember kids, you can't be Every Man but you can be a difference.
Because being a difference makes you Every Man.
Yeah? What does that even mean? It means you need a fucking cape.
Oh This isn't going to work.
What the fuck do you know? No one in their right mind would ever believe you're a doctor.
This ID got me in here, and it will get us both out.
You know what we should do? Raid the pharmacy.
Shut up and act crazy.
You want crazy? The shadows! They're eating me! Sideways! Thorazine! Give me my thorazine! How am I supposed to do that? You figure it out, Doctor.
Richard, this is a bad idea.
And tomatoes are a fruit.
What's that have to do with anything? I thought we were talking about stuff we didn't give a fuck about.
Get out here, Ethnic Man.
Now, tell the people that I kick ass.
That I am "the man.
" Tell who? Where are the crowds? I don't know.
I posted flyers and everything.
Cops.
Oooh.
You're Ethnic Man? You're damn right.
Ma'am.
Richard, help.
You can't arrest Ethnic Man! He's about to endorse me as his favorite candidate.
So this rally was your idea? What the fuck do you think? Hey! Hey buddy.
Hey, get your hands off my nightstick, officer! Oh boy.
You can't seriously want an endorsement from that costumed lunatic.
I'd be crazy not to.
Everyone loves Ethnic Man.
Plus, I need to keep the coloreds happy.
I married a racist imbecile.
Would an imbecile come up with the perfect plan to meet Ethnic Man? Yes.
That's exactly what an imbecile would do.
This isn't the grocery store.
I must have taken a wrong turn.
I hope no one tries to mug us! Are you trying to get us robbed on purpose, so you can meet Ethnic Man? I heard this is where he hangs out.
We call it crack town.
You endanger your wife and child for a publicity stunt? She's right, dude.
That's low.
You don't look like Ethnic Man.
You don't even remember me, do you? I was at your fucking rally.
I robbed you.
Oh what, we all look the same? Okay, whoa! You don't want to do this.
Oh right, 'cause an Asian can't carjack a bitch.
I should go do some calculus or something.
Ethnic Man! Help! We're going to take a little ride.
Wow.
Wow.
Dispatch, we have two in custody, heading to booking.
What did I do? Ten-four.
Let's begin with reckless disregard for human safety.
Inciting violence.
Indecent behavior.
We'll worry about the hate crimes at the precinct.
Hate crimes? For a rally? City doesn't take kindly to Aryan rallies.
Go figure.
It's a peace rally.
That's a swastika.
Oh But it's a Tibetan symbol for peace! Way to make things all white supremacy.
Unit 36, there is a kidnapping in progress.
Warehouse 3 at Riverside and John.
City prosecutor's wife.
Ali! The assailant is drugged and armed.
Thirty-five-years-old and you can't swallow a fucking pill.
I can see forever.
You know, if you were permanently whacked out, Daddy could get custodial control of your life.
Would you like that? Butterflies are Tuesday.
Daddy, love you so much! It's a good thing I found this patient in time.
The security here.
You couldn't spring for a decent lock? We need to pump her stomach.
Is your first name doctor? Get me one of those electro-shock thingies A defibrillator? What did I just fucking say? Ethnic Man! Finally.
Get him out of the car.
You seem taller in person.
My wife! She's in danger.
You've got to save her, Ethnic Man.
And then endorse me for city council.
What do you think you're doing? I'm drafting Ethnic Man to save Ali.
No, no, no.
This is my Ethnic Man.
If anyone is going to tell him to save Ali, it's going to be me.
Perhaps we should let the police save Ali.
Knock yourself out.
That guy's got a gun.
Do you want me to win this election or not? Very well, I - Ethnic Man - will save Ali Devon.
Because I told him to.
Ethnic Fucking go! Excuse me.
Are you sure this is the best way to deal with an overdose? Oh, I'm sure.
Clear! This asshole isn't a doctor! She's hallucinating! He's my father and he's trying to-- Ahhh! He's trying to turn me into a vegetable! Can we get a little more juice in this thing? Ahh! Asshole! Asshole! Ahhh! Ahhh! What's going on? Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
Hey.
Is your kid white? What? I heard you can get like thirty grand for a kid if he's not a minority.
Halt, evil doer.
I am Ethnic Man.
I clean up crime.
Like an ethnic cleanser.
No, wait.
Not like that.
Oh my God, Fitz put you up to this? Is it so hard to believe that I'm a degenerate drug addict? You don't know what I'll to do to get high.
Oh, God.
The things I've done to get high.
Don't think of Richard as a sleaze who makes your life miserable.
Think of the good times.
Like moment of happiness seven months ago.
Seven months ago, when you and Richard OH.
MY.
GOODNESS.
Larry - whatever you're thinking, don't say one more word.
You know why I became a drug addict? To show my friends Asian kids could be cool.
Yeah, it's really cool to suck dick for crack.
Do you mind? We're in the middle of something here.
Hey, fuck you, asshole! My shit's just as important as yours.
Hey, Jamal.
I got the stuff - Whoa! You're not Jamal.
Holy fuck.
Another one.
Oh, thank god.
You're here to save us.
Yes.
Yes! I'm here to save you.
And not to sell drugs.
You don't even have a weapon.
Before you pull that trigger, you gotta ask yourself one question.
Oh yeah? What's that? Wanna get high? It's been four hours since this hostage drama started, with no word from the kidnapper or kidnappers, except a demand for fish tacos and Battleship, original edition.
Hello there.
You're black.
What do you think? Do you think Ali Devon is still alive? Or do you think that she has been brutalized sexually in a way this reporter can only imagine? What is with you white chicks? Don't shoot! We're coming out.
We're okay! Fuck.
Let's see your hands! Come on, let's see them! Keep 'em up, keep 'em up! Ethnic Man! Ali! All right, cuff him, boys! Stay strong, brother.
Hey, ya! Ha ha, yeah! Thank you! But it's not Ethnic Man.
It's Every Man.
And Ethnic Man is voting for Richard Fitzpatrick! Every Man.
No, he's voting for Chester Vince! No! Every Man is not about voting! Cock banging fuck sockets.
And he's not about politics.
Yeah, he's about compassion.
No.
He's about equality.
You fucking idiots are wrong.
Ethnic Man is all about getting votes for Richard Fitzpatrick so he can open his bar.
Uh, and respect for all.
You want me to respect a criminal? You're just pissed I'm a better thief than you are.
I'm a Legal Aid lawyer, General Tao.
You rice rocket, fortune cookie, mother fucker.
Oh, for fuck's sake - can we talk about what's important here? Me, winning this election.
And for the record- Well, I love all races.
And I don't have to classify the women I nail.
I don't get the yellow fever.
I'm not after the brown sugar.
There's only one color that matters to Richard Fitzpatrick: that's the sweet, soft pink.
Mmmm.
Am I right or am I right? I'm not sure I think what Richard is trying to say is Can't we all just get along? Guys? Group hug, maybe? Good one, man! That answer your question, cracker ass? Look out! Hey, fuck you! Welcome to my world Won't you come on in Miracles, I guess Still happen now and then Step into my heart God damn torturer fuckers.
Now we can go to group together.
That'll be fun.
There's pudding on Tuesdays.
There's a pool here.
It's pretty okay.
Except that bitch nurse makes me wear floaties.
Like, what?