Catastrophe (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

1 Jesus, Dave Men shouldn't lie to women.
Don't feel you need to talk to me.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Hey, Harita! I want to talk about my future, see if you had any use for this old bag of bones around the old shop.
I miss you guys! OK.
(MOANING) Where do you want me to come? - OK.
- No, where! (ROB MOANS) (SHARON GROANS) (ROB SIGHS) Are you sure it's OK, that we did that? Yeah, it's fine, because Well Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck it, it should be OK? Did you pre-come in me? Yeah, I was pre-coming before I put it in.
Well, that's not very nice! (BOTH CHUCKLE) We need to be using birth control.
We can't have any more kids.
I've got to go and see the doctor tomorrow anyway, to work out why my tits are so sore.
I'll look into a coil or something.
You've been saying that for over a year.
Yeah, well, it's just hard, because, if I get the coil, it'll probably stop the sore tits, because it'll be stopping my periods.
But the only thing I like about my periods is that I get big tits.
- That hurt! - Yeah, but that are big.
I guess that big tits are worth a little pain.
I wonder how much pain I'd put up with to be less fat.
- Probably not much.
- Yeah.
- (SARCASTICALLY) Thank you so much.
- (SHARON LAUGHS) What time do your folks get in tomorrow? Uh, they get in at six.
Fergal gets in at three.
What's he doing back here? He's got a little business here.
How the fuck has Fergal managed to start another business? Any idiot can start a business.
You could start a business.
- Business that does what? - Business! Do you not have any ideas? Well, I do have an idea for an app - Get out.
- No, seriously.
Listen.
You know how a lot of women in porn don't have pubic hair? - Mmm-hmm.
- And then you know how the Terminator sees things with, like, grids and heat signatures? What if there was an app that did the same kind of thing but only for bald pussies and when it found a bald pussy, it put a nice healthy bush on it.
You could pick the style, it could be '70s bush, or 1870s, if you really want to But I mean, that's detail, that's up to the user.
I'm been deadly serious now.
That is a fucking brilliant idea.
Devil's advocate, though, have you thought about the fact that one day your daughter might find out what you do for a living? Doesn't that worry you? Am I worried that my daughter will find out that I'm a feminist innovator? No.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) - Who's that? - Oh, Fran.
You're not going to answer it? No, I'll just let it go to voice mail and then I'll text her.
Should I cook for your folks? - Are they going to be eating? - Erm, no.
Best not set that precedent.
We want to telegraph they're not totally welcome here.
Fran wants us to have dinner tomorrow night with her and Chris.
That's weird.
She wants to ask us something.
I wonder what that's about? If you'd answered your phone, you might know that.
Maybe they want a threesome.
So, wait, three of us fuck and one of us makes sandwiches? You know I'm meant foursome.
I think that ship has sailed.
What about your parents? No, I don't think they want a foursome, either.
Ha! No, they are just here for the night.
Then they start their funeral tour.
Two funerals, one visit.
Fair play.
Bye.
Bye! OK, I'm going to go to school.
Drop some science on the leaders of tomorrow.
What are you doing? I'm just going to make the most of my last few days of freedom.
I might go to a Ukip meeting or get a tattoo.
Ugh.
Don't get a tattoo.
You want to go in the the sitting thing.
The big soft sitting thing with the squares - The couch? - The couch.
- Couch? - It's called a couch.
That's a silly word.
So, you're back in the Braeband fold? That sucks.
Yeah, but look.
I was watching the news the other night and there's this doctor in Aleppo and he puts people back together after they get blown up and he just stays there and sticks it out.
And I know that's not my situation, but my family is my Syria and I have to work at a terrible job so that they can eat and live in a house, and that's just how it is.
Isn't it more that you just couldn't get another job? Oh, speaking of Syria Catherine wants a baby.
Really? Well, that's great Yeah, great for you, maybe.
- How is that great for me? - I can't do it.
Look at me.
I'm an idiot.
I haven't contributed one thing to society.
What could I contribute as a father? What? You're funny, you're enterprising, you have beautiful blue eyes.
Rob? If you're asking if you can jerk me off, the answer is yes! It's not unbearable pain.
It's They just feel sort of hot.
You know and lumpier than usual and You know, if I touch them or run, they just feel tender.
Nipples? Pardon? Do your nipples feel tender? Mmm-hmm.
Mmm.
Hmm.
You can put your top back on now.
Oh, OK.
So, I don't feel anything suspicious, there are some fatty tissue deposits here and there and one of your nipples is a little cockeyed.
But that's just cosmetic.
Oh.
OK.
Sorry.
Jeez, are my tits that filthy? (SHARON CHUCKLES) Now, if you want, we can pop in a coil that will stop your periods and almost certainly stop the breast pain.
What form of contraception are you using now? Erm, pull it out.
Erm, yeah, the pull it out, usually, method.
- Which is, obviously, know, silly - Reckless.
Yeah.
Right.
I thought about getting the coil, but, you know, I'm 44 now and my husband's not in great shape, so, I just thought, what are the chances, really? Would you like me to assess your ovarian reserve? - Eggs? - Yeah.
Erm, yeah.
Sure.
- How many do I have? - Well, I'll have to take a look see.
OK, sure.
Do I need to take my tights off? I'd recommend it.
- Hey.
- Hey! Are you ready? I thought we could go and get Argi wraps before the Action for Children dinner.
Sure.
Oh, shit, I left my erm Let me go grab my, erm How have you been, Rob? Good.
Great.
- How're you? How's - You were a real mess the night Dave OD'd.
It's none of my business, really, but are you getting the help that you need? Well, sure, I mean No, because I'm fine, you know, it was a one-time thing.
You know, if you ever need to talk, you can just come over, bring Sharon.
See you later, buddy! Couch.
I'm going to look that up, because I think you're pulling my leg! That's our neighbours, Sebastien and Maria.
They don't speak English, - but they have a Jacuzzi.
- Ooh! - There's Mallandra in the Jacuzzi.
- BOTH PARENTS: Ahh! - That's the kitchen.
- Oh! That's not our cat, that's just some Spanish cat.
That's our fire grill, or parrilla, where we do our asados.
That's Spanish for "special barbecue".
Wow, really living the life of Riley.
How's business? Well, my Spanish Uber idea hasn't got off the ground yet for two reasons.
The Spanish drivers are unbelievably lazy, and then, when they actually do show up on time, people get angry with them.
If you are on time for something in Spain, they look at you like you have got two heads.
Point is, it's a lazy culture with no respect for time and you'd be better off going into some kind of ham-based business.
They always have time for ham.
But I'm going to be marketing leather man-bags over here that you get in Malaga for fuck all.
They're cheap as chips and they are great quality.
Dad already bought one.
Dad, show us your man-bag.
- What? - Your new bag, your leather satchel.
Oh, yeah.
Here you go.
See? - Wow.
- Do you want to buy one? That's your business? Selling bags to me and Des? (SHARON SCOFFS) Very funny.
I hear you're heading back into Braeband.
Christ, don't blow your brains out.
I thought you hated that place.
You still owe me £8,000.
I'm going to get the tuna off the grill.
You all right, Sharon? You look a bit distracted.
Huh? No, fine.
You guys should head over to Spain for a break.
- Get a bit of sun.
- We have to settle things back home first.
We've put the house on the market.
Your father was having a bit of trouble with the stairs.
We saw a bungalow in town.
- What? - Next door to Margaret Flynn's eldest daughter.
Do you remember her? Siobhan.
She is divorced now.
She's living with a black fella from Germany.
Jesus.
Why are you only telling me this now? Well, Siobhan has only just told me.
Not About moving! You're terrible communicators.
If you're having trouble, I'd like to help.
- But you have to tell me.
- Well, we're not moving back here! I don't want to die in Walthamstow.
You're not going to die, and this isn't Walthamstow.
Would you prefer to die in Spain, Dad? Well, it might be nice.
Is there a phone here? Yeah, yeah.
You can use mine.
Who do you need to call? Let Carol know I won't be home for dinner.
She's a cranky old bitch when I'm late.
Mum said from about 6:30, he's pretty useless.
He's like a toddler now.
It's bonkers.
It's tough being away with all this going on.
I mean, what if something happens to Dad? Don't be stupid, nothing's going to happen to him.
And if it does, it'll be a long, grim march.
- A denouement.
- Ugh, No.
- You're in a shit mood tonight.
- I know.
I've just found out I'm, like, 99% barren.
- What? - I started out with four million eggs, clutches of eggs, and now there is, like, a handful.
I'm just an old crone.
I should start figuring out if I want to be buried or cremated.
Well, I think that you should be buried, because I'd like to have somewhere to go and visit you.
Bring Frankie and Mirren, sit down, play my lute Who cares? No-one knows you're old.
No-one can see your egg pockets or whatever.
We're lucky, genes-wise.
No-one would believe Rob and I are the same age.
- He looks like shit.
- He doesn't look like shit! He's just a bit heavier at the moment, cos he's stressed out and he's eating a lot of coffee-toffee ice cream, OK? Give him a break.
- Come here.
- Oh, don't fuss! I'm just hugging you.
I'll call you when we get to Peg's.
Call me any time.
I worry about you and him.
(SHARON GROANS) - Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, God.
Just getting so old.
Everyone's getting old.
Frankie wipes his own arse now, my eggs are dead Oh, honey, he doesn't OK, yeah, he wipes it, but he doesn't wipe it clean.
He just wipes it around the place.
I think I'm having a hot flush.
You are not having a hot flush! It's probably just a panic attack.
You think that's OK, me sticking around for a few days? This is really good.
- What is it? - Meat.
- I mean I mean, beef.
- Mmm.
- I thought so.
- I had to hone my culinary skills when Chris left.
It's just me and Jamie Oliver now.
I just popped it in the slow cooker and voila! - Viola what? - Falls off the bone.
Hello, love.
Can I get you anything? - No, thanks.
- Can you say hello to Sharon and Rob? - Hello.
- Hi, Jeffrey.
- You've gotten tall.
- Before I forget - For you.
- Oh, wow.
- - When did this come out? I didn't see this.
Well, it came out on DVD same time as streaming.
It didn't get a theatrical release, because it's arthouse.
Would you like Jeffrey to autograph it for you? - Fran.
- For God's sake.
I'm only saying what they're thinking.
Are you working on anything at the moment, Jeffrey? Not really.
He's just wrapped in Woody Allen's new film.
Robert Duvall and Emma Watson play star-crossed lovers in Vienna.
I was worried, I won't lie.
But they have on-set tutors to, you know, keep an eye.
Chaperones, you know.
Right, well, what have you got coming up next? Nothing interesting.
Mostly just American shit.
- Right.
- Maybe if I had a pair of tits, I'd have a chance of getting on Game Of Thrones.
No Star Wars either.
They're only interested in women now, which I think is great, but, you know, come on.
Give it a rest! I just think he's not being honest with himself.
Or his hair.
When I asked him why he smelt of piss that night, he said you'd pissed on him, which is bullshit, right? If you piss yourself the first night back drinking, then you've got a problem.
The likelihood of that being a one-time thing I don't think this is working.
Well, I have good news.
(SHE INHALES SHARPLY) It is.
I-I was thinking about what you said.
About having a baby.
Yeah.
I'm not going to do that.
- You don't want kids? - No, no, I do.
I mean, biologically and psychologically, I want to be a dad.
Frankie made Rob a paper boat the other day, and I mean, it was shitty, it sank, but I'd like a little person to make me a boat.
Of course I would.
But I know I shouldn't.
My ingredients are bad.
How are they bad? You speak fluent Russian.
I am not a good person.
And I've met a lot of people along the way who agree with me.
So I don't get the little boat.
And so what? You don't get everything you want.
I'm pregnant.
That is wonderful news! So, cut to the chase.
We invited you here this evening to showcase my slow cooker, obviously, and to say that, well, because of the divorce, we have to do some estate planning.
And we wanted to ask you two if you would consider being legal guardians to Jeffrey.
And look after him if we die, if we both die.
Wow.
Oh Right, erm, wow.
- Erm - OK.
Well, that's that's a lot to take in.
- Erm - I mean, may I ask, why us? - Because we love you, man.
- We couldn't agree on anyone else.
Right.
Well, I mean, that's really flattering, right? Oh, yeah.
I mean, you know, for me, it's yes.
I don't want to speak on Sharon's behalf, but Right, yeah, I mean, for me, it's, erm But I just think out of respect for the question and for you guys, it's something, you know, we should discuss at home.
Take your time.
Not too long though! - We thought you just wanted a foursome! - (SHARON AND ROB LAUGH) How about Fran puts on some tea, I have a piss and then we come back and you say "yes"? Well, we're not We're not saying no.
I think what we're probably saying is that, - you know, we just need time to - I'm home! - (DOOR CLOSES) - Is that Douglas? You're early.
Yeah, I finished up early, so I thought I'd pop back to see if the Warsaw Pact was drawing to a close.
(FRAN GIGGLES AND KISSES DOUGLAS LOUDLY) Oh, erm this is Sharon and Rob, good friends, and this is Douglas.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Aloha.
And Chris, this is Douglas.
(FRAN CLEARS HER THROAT) Nice to meet you, Chris.
Oh There you are.
There's some meat er, beef, in the slow cooker, if you are hungry.
No, thanks.
I'd like to die with all my own teeth.
(FRAN SCOFFS) - Have you seen this? - Er, no, no.
We just just got it.
So, where is the little luvvie? We should maybe say yes, because are both of them going to die in the next three years? No way.
And then we'll have done something wonderful for them, so they'll let us stay at their beach house, probably.
Yeah, but what if she dies of cancer and then he dies a year later of a different kind of cancer? Or if he gets hit by a rubbish truck? You know? Or what if he doesn't die? What if he's just a vegetable? Or has to live in an iron lung? I don't want to look after Chris and Jeffrey.
I mean, I love Chris, but I don't want to have to wash his balls.
- Really? - No! Look, I'm just saying we need to read the small print.
What do we get? Yeah? I mean, we know what they get, they get their son taken care of, what do we get? Let's ask them.
I mean, maybe we get their house.
You know, we'd have to maintain Jeffrey's deluxe lifestyle Yeah, because, like, what if Daniel Radcliffe and Susan Sarandon want to come over? You know, they can't come here.
They should let us move into their house, when they die.
OK, so, we say we'll do it if they sign a contract giving us a sort of posthumous dowry of their house? Yeah, but just temporarily.
Until Jeffrey turns 18 Or 21.
Jesus.
- Talk about two birds with one stone.
- How do you mean? Well, you were worried about no eggs and now you're going to get an extra son and Susan Sarandon's coming over for dinner.
What? What?! Why don't you say something to make me feel better about my no eggs? What if you went to the doctor and they were like, "Oh, bad luck, you've no sperm left in you.
"What you blow into your wife from now on will just be "you know, dead glop.
" I'd say, that's terrific! No, you wouldn't.
And what if you have the urge to make more babies.
You know? What if your body's like, "I need more babies!" And my eggless body can't do it, and so you leave me? Do you not listen to me? I would love you more if you had no eggs.
I want to be with you, our current children and that's it.
I'm rotting, Rob.
Me too, and that's fine! Look, your body is slowly turning off and that's upsetting to you, but it's supposed to happen.
And if it's any consolation, your pussy still tastes and smells delicious.
And not all of them do.
Honestly, that really means a lot.
What about Douglas, though? Holy shit! You can tell he sucks right out of the gate.
(SHARON CHUCKLES) (KNOCK ON THE DOOR) What? Can you give me a hand? I can't get the printer working.
(SHARON SIGHS) What do you need fucking printing, anyway? Nothing.
Huh? I don't need anything printed, I just needed to talk to you.
I've run away from Spain.
What? I want is to leave Spain and if Mallandra won't come back, then I'm going to leave Mallandra.
She's horrible in Spain.
She walks around naked now, all comfortable with her body.
Also, some of the lads from the local canteen had took me to a bullfight and I fainted.
So I'm pretty much blacklisted now, socially.
I just need to figure out a way to get the girls out of the country legally.
It's not funny.
No, but I mean, I can see how it's not funny to you, but Can you see how it's quite funny to me? - No.
- Well, look, you can't stay here.
Where am I supposed to go? - Where did you say your girls were again? - Spain! Well, there you go.
Oh, shit.
(DOORBELL RINGS) I think you know why I'm here.
I'm here to bully you into being a guardian for my kid.
It's you guys or ape man Douglas and I'd reanimate from the dead to stop that fucker ever getting his mitts on him.
Adopt my son when I die! Mate, I'm pretty sure I can smell booze on you.
Don't you not drink? I have the odd drink now.
OK.
Does Sharon know? I have the odd private drink.
All right.
- You want to talk about it? - Not really.
I mean, I didn't drink, and now I slightly drink.
But, look, you don't need to bully me, we'll be guardians to your son.
- There's just some fine print - No, you've got a lot on your plate.
Let's park it.
Why? That's For a good few years you told me you shouldn't drink and I took your word for it.
And now, you're drinking.
Well, OK, but - Look, can you - I won't tell Sharon.
Someone will, though.
It might be a good idea if it was you.
Hang on a second, Chris Listen! I know what you're thinking and I just want to say, I don't know if I had a problem with booze itself, I mean, yeah, sure, I had problems, can you trace it to booze? I mean, I'm not so sure.
You know, I was younger then Oh, fuck! (ROB GROANS) Oh, this is I twisted my ankle a few weeks ago, so that's what And it still So that's what that was.
I know it would be convenient for your little theory, but I'm fine.
I'm actually doing really well.
Hi, Pearl.