Corner Gas (2004) s03e04 Episode Script

Hi.
Hank? Oh.
Thanks.
Ah-uh.
The whole idea of the new board is to keep it neater.
That way bulletins don't cover each other up.
That's not a bulletin.
That's a for sale ad for my truck mats.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
My truck mats don't matter? No.
It-it doesn't matter if it's a bulletin or an ad.
I'm trying to organize the board.
It's like painting lines in a parking lot.
There's order and then people just don't park all over the place.
Yeah, but bulletins are all different sizes.
How are you gonna know where to paint the lines? I'm not gonna paint lines, Hank.
Geez, you give up too easy, Lacey.
You'll have to commit if you want this to work.
All I'm saying is people around here aren't great at communicating and the new board is gonna change that.
Holy hell! A new bulletin board.
I didn't hear anything.
There was no bulletin on the old board about it.
Nice communicatin'.
You can tell me that your dog ran away Then tell me that it took three days I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong And that's why you can stay so long Where there's not a lot goin' on It's simple.
All bulletins What if it's not a bulletin? Bulletins, memos, missives, what have you.
It seems a little loosey goosey.
Yeah, it's no sprawling tack board with three-year-old missing cat notices.
You make it sound as if Whiskers isn't coming back.
Harsh.
Look, this will be better.
Notices will be taken down two days after the event.
And I'm thinking, for readability, larger bulletins at the top, smaller ones at the bottom.
This bulletin just in.
Lacey's bulletin board has too many rules.
Rules.
I should post some rules.
Way to go.
Pylons? It's a drinking and driving program.
We don't need pylons.
People put up fierce resistance to checkstops.
Pylons help diffuse that.
Makes it more festive.
We've already got a breathalyzer, so we're done here.
Okay.
I'll call and cancel the pylons.
I'll call.
Whenever you call, they talk you into stuff.
Fine.
But I have a rapport with the sales rep.
Don't blame me if she's cold to ya.
I sell the stuff and I still can't believe the crap he orders.
I know.
He's unbelievable.
Is she talkin' about me?Yeah.
That's why we have to plan this.
I want to make sure Brent gets the furniture and the couch.
I love that couch.
But you're not gonna need it.
I hate thinkin' about these things.
What's goin' on? Wouldn't you like to nosey.
Well, that was a little awkward.
These booths are tight and you're not as thin No, I just overheard what I'm getting from my parents when they, you know? Celebrate your birthday? I think he meant pass away, Hank.
What? What kinda birthday present is that? So what are they gonna give you? It's not about that.
I know.
But what are they gonna give ya? Well, all their furniture, for one thing, and that great couch.
But it's not about that.
So that's what this is all about to you, a couch? No.
It's just weird hearin' your parents talk about it.
It kinda gets ya thinkin'.
Yeah.
Do you buy a new couch or not? I didn't know they had a will.
You should check.
A lot of people don't, then the government swoops in and takes their couch.
Who, the Federal Department of Swooping? I don't know what department.
But they should have a will.
I got one.
In fact, uh, Lacey, you know my paper towel hanger Ah, don't spoil the surprise.
Oh.
I was looking forward to those pylons.
I think everyone was.
It was a waste of money.
We could get a new breathalyzer for what the pylons cost.
Okay, we did get a new breathalyzer for what they cost.
What? It was marked down.
And she threw in a carrying case.
But we don't need a new breathalyzer.
We need it more than pylons.
And it chimes.
Gadgets.
That's your answer to everything.
Different chimes, musical chimes.
All chimes are musical.
That's my point.
Brent, listen.
Oscar and I were talking and we would like you to have some of our things when we, you know? Die? How ya doin', Blurty? I think what Hank meant to say was pass away.
What the hell are you talking about? I overheard you talkin' about giving me your stuff.
We meant you could have it when we move to a smaller place, which I'm not sure we will.
You told me they were dyin'.
You told him what? Brent was convinced you were dyin' and was hopin' to get your couch.
Is that true? Everything except what Hank said.
Now I know you don't like it, but it's gotta be done.
What's he talking about? Drinking and driving checkstops.
See? Fierce resistance.
What drinking and driving checkstops? It's a new program to discourage drinking and driving.
Systematically Limit Impaired Driving Everywhere, or SLIDE.
SLIDE? That's not discouraging.
Slides are fun.
You may as well call it the-the Drunky Bars or the Boozy-Go-Round.
Well, it's festive anyway.
So, when are these slidey things happening? Karen put a notice up on the bulletin board.
Ah, I took it down.
There was no date on it.
That is one of the rules.
Probably pinned up with a wrong-coloured thumb tack too.
Are you seeing this resistance? Fierce.
I don't want your couch.
You don't like our couch? Fine.
We'll give it to someone else.
Hank? No, I want your couch.
Obviously.
That's it, Emma.
We're changin' the will.
We don't have a will.
That's what I thought.
Part of your plan, huh? This isn't about me.
That's it, Emma.
We're gettin' a will.
I'm surprised at you, Brent.
I'm actually trying to help.
Yeah! Help yourself to a couch.
You got them to get a will.
That's step one.
I'm confused.
You want to kill your parents for a couch? It's not about a couch or murder.
I want them to get a will.
So you don't want to kill your dad? Not for his stuff.
Do they have a lawyer? No.
I think they're doin' it themselves.
What have you got there? A legal will kit.
Hmm.
An easy and convenient way to make your wishes known to loved ones.
They don't talk like that.
They would if they were making a commercial for legal will kits.
True.
Where else would you hear a conversation like that? What have you got there? A legal will kit.
It's kind of an easy and convenient way to make your wishes known to loved ones.
Ah, so Brent talked you into it? He sure did.
I'm not sure about this location for a checkstop.
Maybe you can buy another gadget to tell us where to set up.
Shouldn't we be closer to town, you know, where the drivers are? Then they'll see us and avoid us.
Right.
Because them avoiding us now isn't a problem.
I figured it out.
You can't deal with your parents' mortality.
Obsessing on their stuff eases the pain.
We all see it.
We? Yeah, Hank and his many paranoid delusions.
Look, you can call me Paranoia all you want.
But that's why you're lookin' at your parents with dollar signs in your eyes.
What's he gonna inherit, a green hat and a ball of yarn? Well, they do have that great couch.
It's not about that.
I'm just saying you were public about your lust for their stuff.
If anything happens to Oscar and Emma, who will they suspect? And by "they," you mean you? I'm just tryin' to help a buddy out.
So sue me.
Then you'd have a ball of yarn and two hats.
Look, Hank, I appreciate what you're saying, but I think I'm gonna be okay.
I'm not givin' Brent a damn thing.
Nothing good anyway.
Yeah.
Sorry you had to wait so long for the fries.
They're on the house.
Really? Just for that, I'm willing you our night table.
Oh, thanks.
But I don't really need a night table.
How about the credenza? We're giving the credenza to Jed Wilcox.
But you don't even like Jed Wilcox.
It's a lousy credenza.
A leg keeps fallin' off.
Well, I can see I'm not gonna get anything out of this.
Fries are three bucks.
This is payback for the bulletin, isn't it? It's just a standard road check.
Okay.
So, how does this SLIDE thing work? Do I just drive up really fast and slam on the brakes? It's not SLIDE anymore.
We changed the name of the program to Fully Reduce Impaired Driving Anywhere.
Or FRIDA.
It's not as strong an acronym, but it's friendly.
Oh, hey.
Is that a new breathalyzer? Cool.
Still, you must be pretty disappointed we don't have pylons.
You know why we couldn't afford pylons? Do I just blow in it like this? I'll tell you why we don't have pylons.
Wait for it.
Outstanding.
Hey, guys, check this out.
Cool.
I did kind of obsess about my parents' stuff.
Am I a bad son? No.
Mind you, my kid sticks peanut butter up my nose while I sleep, so maybe I'm not a good barometer.
If you want to smooth things over with your parents, just spend more time with them.
Have some fun together.
Twister with your parents, that's your idea of fun? It could be.
Hank, you already had a try.
You don't even have a car.
Yeah, I'm walkin' under the influence.
Well, move it along.
I wanna get FRIDA'd.
Yeah, me too.
This is workin' out okay.
If you're into gadgets.
Hi, Brent.
Hey.
Hey, Mom.
I think we got off on the wrong foot with this will thing.
Oh, no, no.
It was a wakeup call.
Your scheming was just the push we needed.
I wasn't scheming.
I just Most people your age have wills.
What do you mean our age? I said wage.
People of your wage bracket, is what I said.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm not blaming you.
We obviously just raised you wrong.
But this is kinda fun.
We've been willing away all kinds of stuff to all kinds of people.
Oh.
Well, that's good.
What people? Like who I mean? All kinds of people.
Like family? A little goes a long way.
Well, that's-that's nice.
You're sharing your wealth, while also making sure you take care of your own.
Well, like you said, Brent, it's not about you.
Thatwas good advice.
Yeah.
Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry.
This bulletin board is just for rules for the other bulletin board.
That way people can always see them.
This is the bulletin board for actual bulletins.
Doesn't the "Post no bills" break the Rules Only on the rule board rule? Technically that is an instruction.
So while not a formal numbered rule, it is a rule.
But these are rules for next week's silent auction.
Shouldn't they be posted on the rule board? Touch? No touch? Even thought by definition they are rules, they don't go on the rules bulletin board, because they're not rules about the bulletin board.
So they go up on the bulletin bulletin board.
Your bulletin board sucks.
Boardsze.
You sure love a backlash, don't ya? You know, I've been thinking.
Maybe we shouldn't use the breathalyzer.
But everyone loves it.
But they've done studies.
They say that human assessment is more reliable.
Do you know what they love about it? I think it puts up barriers.
Where's the chime? It failed the field test.
Hey, try chime number 48.
It's supposed to be the theme to Rocky.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, you wanna go for a bike ride or somethin', play some Twister? It's too late to suck up now, Johnny Golddigger.
First of all, it's Jimmy Golddigger.
Second of all, I'm not lookin' to marry ya for your money.
Well, when I'm done, I won't have any.
What do ya think of that? You bought a backhoe? I'm gonna get the whole driveway relandscaped.
It's gonna cost me a fortune.
Well, I see you've thought this through.
The rest is goin' to charity.
A round of applause for Oscar Leroy and his generous donation of $11.
65.
It'll be more than that, Smart Guy.
$15.
65.
The point is, it'll teach you a lesson about countin' your chickens before the father of the chickens dies.
Ah, that old chestnut.
You young people think you're entitled to everything.
Can I at least have your giant novelty cheque book? No.
Well, we'll get started on this right away.
Oh, and thanks for the offer on the couch, but it's just too big for my place.
Unbelievable.
Hey, do you know if they're still doin' the checkstops? I heard their breathalyzer plays movie themes.
Well, if there's anything about it, it'll be up on the board, which I think you'll find is quite tidy.
It sure is.
If you can figure out a way to stop serving food, your plates will stay tidy too.
Don't you want people to use this? Oh, there is a bulletin, right down there.
See? Someone has used my board to let the town know that there's a no rules bulletin board at Corner Gas.
There is? Oh.
We just need to figure out a different test, that's all.
What are things you can't do when you're drunk? Say no to pizza? Stop yelling at you for breaking my breathalyzer? No.
Like play pickup sticks.
I can play pickup sticks when I'm drunk.
Everyone can.
Really? I hope I kept the receipt for the pickup sticks.
So you can see it's a fairly big responsibility, but that's what an executor is.
Okay.
So where-where does the axe and the mask come in? That's an executioner.
That's something different.
Right.
So do I wear the mask or not? Lacey, will you be executor of our will? Oh, I don't know, Emma.
That's a pretty big responsibility.
If you say yes, I'll put a new bulletin on your board.
My board doesn't need your pity.
It is just a slow season for bulletins.
I have a bulletin.
Here's a tack, if you can find any space.
Okay, enough's enough.
I get nothin' in your will and now you're lookin' for an executor.
Why would you think that? Hank told me.
Actually, he told me you were looking for an examplitor, but I figured out what he meant.
We'd never pick Hank over you.
No.
We'd pick Davis over you.
Why Davis? He knows the law.
The game is pickup sticks.
I'll tell you what.
Let me go and I'll make you executor of our will.
What's in it for me? How about our couch? All right! He's solid.
Hey, Lacey, I need your boards.
I'm up to my armpits in bulletins.
That's almost two feet of bulletins.
Just take 'em.
They're not doin' any good here.
That was on purpose.
Mrs.
Owens is just about done with the ball and cup.
Well, what about the breathalyzer? I wanted to hear it do Live and Let Die.
I have a breathalyzer.
Great.
Cue up the theme to The Good, Bad, and the Ugly.
Sorry, it's just a courtesy breath tester.
It doesn't chime.
I don't give a rat's ass.
I just want this over with.
It looks like you could use a drink.
The sales rep hooked me up.
We have a bit of a rapport.
Is that a new safety vest? See? It's harder than you think.
Hey, everybody.
The old bulletin board at The Ruby is back and there's only one rule.
No, the only rule is there are no rules.
So are there rules or not? No, I-I was just trying to make a point.
There are no rules.
It sounds confusin'.
We'll stay here, thanks very much.
Oh.
Actually, I don't really like the bulletin boards.
Too cluttery.
I'm shuttin' 'em down.
You're just mad because Oscar and Emma wouldn't give you the couch.
It's not about that.
Murderer.
Who said that? Let-let's go to The Ruby.
You should try this.
It's harder than you think.
There's our will, signed and delivered.
Geez, I come out all right.
It's good to plan for the future.
For the future, eh? Who are you? I'm you, 20 years from now.
Wow.
Is this our place? Yep, bought and paid for, with a couple a cool million left over for kicks.
I guess we did okay.
Hey, Jackass.
Dad, do you live with me? I'm not your dad.
I'm you, 22 years from now.
Noooooo! You done? Yeah, I usually wake up when I do that.
I'm gettin' a drink.
Closed Captioning by I don't know the same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know It's a great big place full of nothin' but space and it's my happy place I don't know Yes you do You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com I don't know I just don't know