Cougar Town s03e04 Episode Script

What is up with the cop uniform? Aw, this is from when Grayson proposed to me, but lately, we've been using it for, well, you know how we do.
Role playas.
You have the right to remain naked.
How would you like it if we talked about our sex life all the time? - Oh, come on.
- No.
Don't.
No, no, no.
Great.
They're grossed out by the thought of us naked.
Not us, my friend.
Newspaper jinx! I win.
Come on, guys.
Hand 'em over.
Sweet, triple coupons.
Tom, do you think you could turn that new fountain off every once in a while? Why? I sleep with my windows open, and it just makes me have to pee constantly.
What just happened? Was that magic? It's the damn bicycle boys.
They found a shortcut to the new mall.
What new mall? They built it right behind our neighborhood.
You signed my petition trying to stop it, remember? No.
The bicycle boys are bad news, Jules.
They--They write "don't" on the stop signs.
They call anyone over 20 "grandpa".
They made my garden gnomes gay.
Actually, that was me, Tom, but those bicycle boys-- they picked the wrong cul-de-sac.
- Duck! - What? A new mall? That's horrible.
Do they have hot dogs on a stick? No! We are against the new mall, even though they have an awesome men's store called "Short And Wide".
I believe we just found your new nickname.
Fine, but I will still gladly take on the burden of handling the bicycle boys.
Short and wide fancies himself the protector of the neighborhood.
I'm more like the king.
I do everything around here.
No, you don't.
Who got us all new recycling bins? Who writes the Cul-de-sac's Weekly newsletter? Who got the permits so Tom could put up his fountain? That thing undid six months of potty training for Stan.
Andy, you're talking about manual labor.
Kings didn't build the pyramids.
Slaves did.
Or aliens.
You know, I wine-watched a documentary last night, and it's all a little fuzzy.
Come back, sweetie.
Bring your point with you.
Sorry.
I am the king of the neighborhood, because I take care of the people.
Who saved the Goldsteins' marriage? Who stopped Mrs.
Rose from her suicide attempt? She was gonna jump off her shed.
She was holding scissors.
Okay.
Let's take it to a vote.
Okay, all that think Andy is king of the neighborhood, raise your hand.
Grayson, count those.
Give me a sec.
Zero.
And those who think I am king.
All hail King Jules.
Come on! Bye, S.
W.
Okay, dad, stop posing.
The assignment is to take a picture of a stranger working in his natural environment.
You're not supposed to know you're being photographed.
I see the camera right there.
I see your dilemma.
Can I wear the pirate hat? No pirate hat.
This is gonna be a boring picture.
Crazy idea--instead of cheating on your assignment, how about--get this-- not cheating? Yeah, that's not really an option with the old, uh skull fracture.
You want to see what happens when you try to take secret shots of strangers while wearing a helmet? "Daddy, look!" "It's Dork Vader.
" "It's Dork Vader.
" I got that one a lot.
Okay, here.
Bobby.
Go like this.
Purse your lips a little, like What? It's--It's what we did when I was an underwear model for Montgomery Ward.
You just tried to slip that one in there, didn't ya? There are two types of underwear models-- front guys and butt guys.
I was both.
He said proudly.
All right.
Dad.
Grayson in bikini briefs-- think about it.
Whoa, it's not a sad thing.
Laurie, why are you texting me? And you sent me a nude picture of yourself? You just got photo bombebe Check out your downstairs.
Someone's an artist.
- Thank you.
- Dear god, jelly bean.
Why would you risk having a picture like this get out? What risk? The whole world saw paris Hilton's Berts and Ernie, And now she's rich.
Yeah, and now she's rich.
Jules put naked pictures of herself online.
That was an accident.
Apparently, anyone can call themselves an "online dermatologist".
Now I have Ellie check my downstairs moles.
Nothing good comes out of letting nude pictures of yourself out in the world.
You are so wrong, and I'm going to prove it.
There's this army guy in Afghanistan that I met on Twitter.
He's been asking for a skin pic, and now I am about to oblige.
"Send".
Don't worry.
I kept it classy.
Covered up my Berts.
Single-nerped him.
Just a peek.
You're a dummy.
It's amazing you got this from a stranger.
The sea has taken so much from him, and yet it's all he has.
Do you really think so? No.
Head of my department was walking by.
I wanted to sound smart.
Oh, come on.
Don't go sensitive artist on me.
Look at me.
Wow, it is not easy to have an honest moment with a kid wearing a helmet.
Um, I'll push through.
Okay, so usually when I tell students their work moves me, I'm lying to spare their feelings.
There's a lot of criers at this school.
But your work does move me.
Thanks.
Professor LeClaire? Everyone hates my photo essay.
Oh, Franklin, no, no, no.
It's wonderful.
It's not.
It's bad.
Hey, Sig.
You know that dream when you're falling and you won't stop? I kind of feel like that all the time now.
Why is that, Helmet? For starters, people call me "Helmet".
Also, I'm cheating in my favorite class with the only teacher who has ever believed in my talent as an artist.
I'm not sure how it could get much worse.
Trav.
I'm in love with that gal.
There it is.
Well, you fancy yourself the king of the people.
So go ahead.
Handle it.
I will.
Hey, guys.
Guys.
Those are cool bikes.
You know, when I was a kid, I had a Huffy.
Her name was "Sparkly Thunder".
Anyway, instead of going through our yards What are you doing? Oh, well, that's cute.
Well, I'll just wait here till you get bored.
Got all day.
Stupid fountain.
Do you really want to see a middle-aged woman pee right here in the street? Yeah.
I-I'd want to see that, too.
- I call bathroom.
- I call window.
Fine.
I'll go downstairs.
That's it.
This ends now.
The bicycle boys stole my fountain.
No.
- Come on! - Damn them! Oh! I am sorry for your loss, Tom.
You're a good friend.
I really am.
Now let me say what we're all thinking.
Wine fountain.
Okay, we have to do that.
Agreed, but first I need help figuring out what to do with the bicycle boys.
- You know, you could always-- - I'm sorry.
I almost forgot-- I already fixed it.
Meet Officer Pumpkinhead.
Those boys will see him, think the place is crawling with 5-0, and move along.
There's no way this works.
Wait.
I want to say it with you.
Come on! Guess what? No, thanks.
The army guy and I stayed up all night tweeting, and now we're dating.
It's actually pretty serious.
It's healthy when things move that fast.
I told you good things would come from sending naked pictures.
You're fake-dating someone you've never met, who may or may not be in the army, who may or may not be a man, and who may or may not slice you from nose to navel when you finally meet.
I wonder what he looks like.
I hope if he's black, he's super black.
Dark black is hot.
Is that racist? No, but it makes us uncomfortable.
Okay.
Dad, come on.
You're being even more ridiculous than normal.
Is that even possible? Well, he's just mad because I'm in love with a gal I've never even met.
No way! I'm in love with a dude I've never met.
No look! Maybe looking is important.
I only saw her for a second, but man, my heart raced, time stopped.
Fireworks? I mean, haven't you guys ever felt an instant connection with someone you just met? - Never.
- Once.
Several times a week.
And only Ellie is correct.
There is no such thing as love at first sight.
Professor LeClaire-- Just give me a sec.
I mean, look at him.
Yeah, I'm good.
You don't speak French, do you? Enough.
What the You get back here! He will shoot you! No! Did you turn Officer Pumpkinhead around and blow his cover? I don't know.
Why don't you ask him? Aw, he only speaks in spooky laughs.
Don't.
You don't have the guts.
- You better run! - Ellie! You think you're safe.
One of these rocks has a key in it.
Shoot.
See, this was my boxer brief pose But if I was modeling racer briefs, I'd just arch my back a little, maybe pop the cheeks like so.
Miss those days.
You and no one else on earth.
The male prisoners who keep my fan site active strongly disagree.
You know who looks great in his racer briefs Probably? Wade, my army boyfriend, who is--fingers crossed-- super dark black, blacker than space.
That felt pretty racist.
See, I still say no.
This is the best relationship I have ever been in.
So we decided that if one of us meets someone who's super hot, we're totally allowed to bang 'em-- No mouth kissing, of course-- and it won't even touch us, because our connection is that deep.
He even sent me a virtual promise ring.
What should I send him? Your dignity? Oh! Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know.
My social security number.
It is the ultimate display of online trust.
"Send".
Penny can Sig! Looks like you're good at something other than not getting laid.
He's kidding, Siggy.
Penny pickup! So your family just shows up whenever they feel like it? Yeah, that's pretty much how it works.
Hey, look, Trav, you know why we really came over.
I want to ask out professor, uh - LeClaire? - LeClaire.
Yeah, well, you and Professor LeClaire-- obviously super tight, but-- Now let me finish, all right? You come first.
She's your teacher, and you look up to her, and I don't wanna mess that up.
So if you want me to back off, you just say the word, and I'm Dad, if she met you, she'd know right away that I was cheating.
Okay? But let's just forget about that for a second.
Good.
Done.
Please don't date my teacher.
All right, copy that.
Thank you.
What Couldn't find a hose.
Oh, and by the way, while you were locked in my house, I put up a new sign.
All right, can we please end this silly thing? You win.
You're the king of the neighborhood.
Andy, please don't do that thing where you turn something small into something serious.
I'm begging you.
I never get to be in charge of anything in my life! And here we go.
At work, I have to do whatever my clients want, and who do you think is the boss of my home, me or Ellie? Who can really say? This cul-de-sac is the one place where I felt like I called the shots And you took that away from me.
Andy, don't go.
Why? Because I put Stan there.
Oh, God.
Not the sad sigh.
It's sexy on a man, isn't it? Come on.
We're all the same.
None of us are in charge of anything.
You own a successful real estate company.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Go, Jules.
Sorry.
What about Grayson? He's not in control of anything.
She's right.
Wait.
Hey! Everybody, out of my bar right now.
I'm serious.
Go.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm so sorry.
Come back.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I'll just accept being the world's bitch.
My heart feels like your sad face.
And my face feels like your sad eyes.
Aw, poor "short and wide.
" I feel bad for him.
Oh, good god.
Not another sad man sigh.
Why is this one so down? Let your dad ask out your teacher.
What, you told on me? I did, and I'd do it again.
Hey.
Sig.
My mom's here now.
Bye, Sig.
It's tough for your dad.
He's lonely.
Plus he's got to find someone while he still has his looks.
Cobbs do not age well.
After 50, it's like a rocket ship to dogville.
What? Relax, dude.
I'm not a Cobb.
Look, I know you're just trying to be a good mom by coming over here to convince me to let dad bang my photography teacher, But do you really think there's anything you can say that's gonna make me want that to happen? When's the last time your dad liked someone? Is that what you do now when he says something almost smart? You point at him like a dog? Yeah.
So what? He likes it.
I do.
Are you done with your funk, boo? Oh, brother.
He's starting to burrow.
So lame.
Oh, yeah.
Don't let them bother you.
So, um, do you think I should go see Andy? Don't.
He's just trying to manipulate you.
I don't agree.
Jules, if there's one thing that I've learned in my relationship with Wade other than the fact that he is indeed black--he just told me.
Congrats! Thanks.
I'm super happy about it.
Anyway, earlier today, I was trying to give my under-brows a little color and I got some spray tan in my eye.
Now granted, it was a little dumb.
You're not using the word "little" correctly.
Still he picked me up, and maybe that's what you need to do for Andy.
You know, pick him up, no matter how dumb he's being.
Don't you dare take lessons from her and her fake relationship.
What? You don't know it's fake.
- What's Wade's last name? - Dunno.
- Where's he from? - Dunno.
- Did you say "Dunno" Or "Doughnut"? - Dunno.
- What color are his eyes? - Dunno.
- Does he have eyes? - Dunno.
Jules, see, she d-- Where did she go? Dunno.
Andy? Yeah? I am so sorry.
I need your help with the bicycle boys.
I need you to rise up and be the king that we all need.
Like a Cul-de-sac Braveheart? Okay.
Let's go.
Come on.
Look, I know the way I feel about this woman is classic idealization.
You surprised I know what idealization means? - Absolutely, yeah.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
I have no idea how it got in there.
You know, I looked her name up in the college directory.
It's Angie.
Good name.
Yeah.
She's from France.
Better than Tampa.
Bobby, if I can find Wade, you're gonna find someone great, too.
You didn't find someone.
You stripped online for a stranger.
That's not real.
Let's read your tweets with him from last night, shall we? Go ahead.
Dime eyes? Read with me.
"What up? It's hot as ballensteins in flizorida.
" "What, what!" I'm reading Laurie, by the way.
"I've got something to make you hotter right here.
" Wow, this gets raunchy fast.
"I'm glad you're around tonight.
" "Me, too, said my lady parts.
" Girlfriend knows how to flirt.
"Where have you been? I missed you.
" "Yeah.
Sorry.
Some bad stuff went down, but I'm okay.
" "You sound scared.
If you want to talk, I'm here.
" "Thanks.
Hey, if I'm not here tomorrow, just know that tweeting with you was all I looked forward to today.
" "Me, too.
What, what?" You can say it.
You and Wade-- you're just so good together.
He finally sent me a real pic.
You want to see? He looks sweet.
He's naked, but still sweet.
All those that live in this cul-de-sac, join me now.
What's with the face paint? He's doing "Braveheart.
" I did it with lipstick.
Sons of Scotland Oh, my god.
He's on a horse.
Is "Braveheart" a movie? He's a, uh, famous Indian chief.
I knew it! We've come to fight in defiance of tyranny, and dying in your beds many years from now, Would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom! Hold Hold Hold Now! Sand trap! Thanks, Mike.
Well, even though Jimmy dislocated his ring finger, we are not liable, because he was trespassing.
Oh.
Yes! Thanks for letting me have this, Jules.
We are so happy that you are king of the neighborhood.
Really, guys? Yes! Yes.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Hey, while we're still here, we should only water our lawns at night, because it's better for the environment.
No.
Unh-unh.
That's stupid.
No.
Can't.
Can't.
Mnh-mnh.
Eh, okay.
Come here.
I'm psyched you wanted to grab lunch.
I'm a hole-punch away from a free meatball.
Actually, I can't.
Why didn't you tell me? I drove all the way up here.
Hey.
Professor LeClaire.
Hey, Travis.
Professor LeClaire, This is my Dad.
He's the fisherman in my pictures, which I faked, and I'm sorry.
It's just the helmet sort of prevented me from taking-- And you're not listening.
Anyway, I just really wanted you two to meet, so Hi.
Hi.
King Andy got your fountain back from those mean bicycle boys.
Ah.
Let there be wine.
Y-you've put wine in my fountain? You're welcome.
It looks like a fountain of blood.
People are gonna think I'm creepy.
I think the ship has sailed on that one, big guy.
Gonna be here a while.
Might as well get comfy.
You guys know I own a bar, right? Yeah.
Cheers.
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